Big Bang Theory s01e15 Episode Script

The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

on the other hand,some physicists are concerned that if this supercollider actually works, it'll create a black hole and swallow up the earth, ending life as we know it.
what a bunch of crybabies.
No guts,no glory,man.
Hey,check it out.
The school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
"We are testing a new medication "for social anxiety, panic attacks,agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder.
" Why would they be looking for test subjects here? I don't know,raj.
Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board.
What's going on? hot girl in sheldon's office.
Sheldon's office? Is she lost? I don't think so.
I followed her here from the parking lot.
Maybe she's his lawyer.
Well,she's free to examine my briefs.
-I know,I'm disgusting.
I should be punished by her.
Oh,look,I did it again.
That should do it.
Thank you for coming by.
-Oh,hey,buddy -"buddy"? Sorry I'm late.
I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
How can you be late? I wasn't expecting you at all.
Nobody ever expects me.
Sometimes you just look and bam! Howard wolowitz.
Sheldon,are you gonna introduce us? Oh,all right.
Uh,this is missy.
Missy,this is leonard and rajesh, and you've already met howard.
It's nice to meet you.
You,too,as well,also.
So,how do you two know each other? Oh,he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Excuse me? She's my twin sister.
She thinks she's funny,but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
That's because you have no measurable sense of humor,shelly.
How exactly would one measure sea nse of humor? A humormometer? Well,I think you're delightfully droll.
Or,as the french say,trs drale.
Okay,so let me see if I got this.
Leonard,howard and I'm sorry,what was your name again? Rajesh.
Proudly Presents theory Season 1 Episode 15 So missy,what brings you all the way from texas? Was it perhaps destiny? I think it was destiny.
My friend's getting married at disneyland tomorrow night.
Destiny,thy name is anaheim.
And I had to drop off some papers for shelly to sign for my dad's estate.
The papers could've been mailed.
Mom just sent you here to spy on me,didn't she? I guess that's why they call you a genius.
They call me a genius because I'm a genius.
Tell mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds and that I'm having regular bowel movements.
Enjoy the wedding.
If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight? Oh,I don't think so.
Shelly doesn't like company.
Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
They were not friends.
They were imaginary colleagues.
Look,you're here.
We have plenty of room.
No,we don'T.
Come on,shelly.
She's family.
So what,ion't issue invitations to your mother.
Well,it would be nice not to have to drive to anaheim in rush hour.
And don't ever call me shelly.
So it's settled: You'll stay with us.
Yeah,I'll walk you to your car.
You're in structure What just happened? So anyway,we're eight years old and sheldon converts my easy bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
just classic.
I needed a place to fire ceramic semiconductor substrates for homemade integrated circuits.
He was trying to build some sort of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Anyway,I go to make those little corn muffins they give you.
There's a big flash.
Next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
not your eyebrows.
Yep,I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my mom drew on.
Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
hey,leonard,you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Those are not mine.
Really? They have your little name label in them.
Yeah no,I do I I use those,uh, just to polish up my spearfishing equipment.
I spearfish.
When I'm not crossbow hunting,I spearfish.
Uh,penny,this is sheldon's twin sister,missy.
-Missy,this is our neighbor,penny.
you don't look that much alike.
Can I get a hallelujah? Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs.
They are no more alike than any other siblings.
Hallelujah! Hey,guess what.
I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Oh,good for you,raj.
Yes,I'm very hopeful.
They mentioned there may be side effects.
So,missy,have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of india? Well,there's dr.
Patel at our church.
Ah,yes,patel-- good man.
Do you like motorcycles? 'Cause I ride a hog.
A hog? You have a two-cylinder scooter with a basket in the front.
You still have to wear a helmet.
Have you ever heard of the kama sutra? -The sex book.
-the indian sex book.
In other words,if you "wonder,wonder who wrote the book of love," it was us.
-So,sheldon's sister is pretty cute -I wasn't staring.
I didn't say you were.
I just said she was cute.
Oh,maybe,if you like women who are tall and perfect.
Sheldon,why are you ignoring your sister? I'm not ignoring my sister.
I'm ignoring all of you.
I brought snacks! Oh,my,gherkins and onion dip.
It's onion dip.
We don't entertain much.
Do you enjoy pajamas? I guess.
Yeah,we indians invented them.
You're welcome.
Yeah,well,my people invented circumcision.
You're welcome.
Missy,I'm gonna go get my nails done.
-Do you want to come? -God,yes.
-You're welcome.
-Bye,missy,see you.
Okay,you two have to back off.
Why should I back off? You back off,dude.
Excuse me,this is my apartment,and she's my roommate's sister.
So what? You've already got penny! How do I have penny? In what universe do I have penny? -So I can have penny? -Hell,no! Excuse me.
Can I interject something? I'm ordering pizza online.
Is everyone okay with pepperoni? -Sheldon,can I talk to you in private? -I guess.
Don't worry.
I was going to order you cheese-less.
-Thank you.
-It's okay.
Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm a fancy indian man.
We invented pajamas.
Hey,look at me.
I don't have a foreskin.
Sheldon are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman? she certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable.
It's noteworthy,at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
-That's fascinating,but -I didn't say it was fascinating.
I said it was noteworthy.
All right,but noted.
My point is that koothrappali and wolowitz, they're hitting on your sister.
Oh,it'S oh,ay.
You know,I don't want to criticize your rhetorical style, but we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought.
That's great,but my what I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
-You have to do something about it.
-Why? Because she's your sister.
I don't understand.
Yes,we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we've pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Okay,uh,consider this with your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that missy chooses a suitable mate.
I hadn't considered that.
We do share dna.
So there is the possibility,however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
And you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring.
You're right.
If someone wants to get at missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me.
I am shiva the destroyer! I will have the woman.
I'm warnin ug yo I was judo champion at math camp.
All right,now that's enough juvenile squabbling.
You stop it.
Stop it,I say! I'm going to settle this right now.
Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Who are you to decide that? He's the man of his family.
You have to respect his wishes.
-You're out,too,by the way.
-Say what? It's nothing personal.
I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an eskimo pie.
What are you so happy about? I'm not happy.
It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.
Now that leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Wait a minute.
Leonard made you aware of that? We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.
Excuse me,but I think you're missing a big opportunity here.
How so? Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring.
Why not put a little mocha in the family latte? In principle,you have a point.
But as a practical matter,need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
I think you're focusing entirely too much on the drugs.
Is it 'cause I'm jewish? 'Cause I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.
This has nothing to do with religion.
This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny,tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Sheldon,you are really being unreasonable.
Am I? Here,eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Oh,really? Shelly,can I speak to you for a minute? Alone.
Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.
We all make mistakes.
Let's move on.
Okay,I'm not even going to ask why you're pimping me out for cheese.
But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? Well,truthfully,I've never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry dna of great potential.
-What on earth are you talking about? -Let me explain.
You see,I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
And what do you mean,"mediocre stock"? That would be you.
But residing within you,is the potential for another me.
Perhaps even taller,smarter, and less prone to freckling,a sheldon 2.
0,if you will.
-"Sheldon 2.
0"? -Exactly.
Now,I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with.
If you're not attracted to the suitor, then the likelihood of conception will be reduced.
-You have got to be kidding me.
-Not at all.
Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertilization.
Okay,shelly,sit down.
Now I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is,as mom puts it, "one of god's special,little people.
" I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird.
You know,a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds.
Of course,the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death.
Luckily for you,that's where the metaphor ended.
I thought it ended at "cuckoo.
" You listen to me.
If you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me,then terrific.
Bring it on.
But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and i are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little.
Remember? I have an alternate proposal.
Go on.
You donate eggs.
We will place them in cryogenic storage.
I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you.
That way,everybody wins.
Missy can date whoever she wants.
Look,we have to settle this.
I agree.
Sheldon's sister is hiding at penny's because we've all been hitting on her at the same time.
She's not hiding.
She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick.
Oh,and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Oh,you poor,deluded bastard.
Don't start with me,dude.
You want to go again? Let's go.
-Sit down.
If we're going to fight over missy,let's do it the right way.
The honorable way.
Take that! you want some more? And he's down! come on,come on! Get up! Stay down,bitch! yeah! Natural selection at work.
I weep for humanity.
Excuse me while I go tell missy the good news.
How's it going? Listen,that guy mike that you were dating, is that still going on? -pretty much.
Why? -Nothing,just catching up.
By the way,may I speak to missy,please? Of course.
What's up? Well,since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
That's so sweet.
But no thanks.
-Do you have other plans or? -No.
All right,enjoy the rest of your evening.
See ya.
here's something we didn't anticipate.
What do you want,howard? I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
I've come to call on missy.
The amazing howard.
-Do you like magic? -Not really.
Then you are in for a treat.
Behold,an ordinary cane.
Thank you.
I apprec apprec appreeee Oh,honey.
Is your medication wearing off? Well,hi,tie pie.
I was hoping you'd show up.
we had a dog who made a noise like tha had to put him down.
Any news you want me to pass along to mom? Well,she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heterotic string theory.
Yeah,I'll just tell her you say "hey.
" Okay,well,it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles.
Come on,shelly.
I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Really? Yep,I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the rocket scientist.
You tell people I'm a rocket scientist? Well,yeah.
I'm a theoretical physicist.
-What's the difference? -What's the difference?! Good-bye,shelly.
My god! Why don't you just tell them that I'm a toll-taker at the golden gate bridge?! Rocket scientist.
How humiliating.
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