Big Bang Theory s01e16 Episode Script

The Peanut Reaction

- Take him down! - He's got you, Sheldon.
- Look at this move! - He's completely schooling you.
Hey, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called Tresling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
That's terrific, but they wanted me to ask you to cut it the hell out.
Come here, guys.
Come on.
Happy birthday to you We might as well stop.
It's a stalemate.
You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
Keebler elf? I've got your Keebler elf right here.
Okay, it's a stalemate.
So, Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday - for your free birthday cheesecake? - He can't eat cheesecake.
- He's lactose intolerant.
- He can have carrot cake.
- What about the cream cheese frosting? - He can scrape it off.
Forget about the cake.
How do you know my birthday's Saturday? I did your horoscope, remember? I was gonna do everybody's, until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
For the record, "that psychotic rant" was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudo-scientific hokum.
Blah, blah, blah.
Typical Taurus.
Are we gonna see you Saturday? - I don't think so.
- Why not? - I don't celebrate my birthday.
- Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
It's no big deal; it's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
- His mother published a paper on it.
- What was it called? "I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"? It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to Mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends Yeah, see? That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you really never had a birthday party? No, but it was okay.
When I was little, I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And? It turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
Well, it was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so It's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Episode 116: The Peanut Reaction Make sure they remember, no peanuts.
Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts.
When they see me coming, they go, "Ah, no-peanut boy!" - Hello, Penny.
Leonard just left.
- I know.
I want to talk to you.
What would we talk about? We have no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of.
As you know, I don't care for chitchat.
- Can you just let me in? - All right, but I don't see this as a promising endeavor.
Here's the deal.
We're gonna throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party - for his birthday on Saturday.
- I hardly think so.
Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Did someone say "party"? He just doesn't know he wants one 'cause he's never had one.
I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Howard, here's the difference The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it.
I'm just kidding.
Yes, you can.
Can you bring a friend? I think a birthday party's a terrible idea.
I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Anguish?! Year after year, I had to endure wearing comical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles.
Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no nonprofessional can heal, but, nevertheless, we're going to throw Leonard a birthday party.
Have I pointed out that I'm extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol-induced frivolity? - Nevertheless - In addition, I Here's the deal: You either help me throw a birthday party or I will go into your bedroom and unbag all of your most valuable mint-condition comic books.
And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
You can't do that.
If you make a mark in a mint comic, it's no longer mint.
Do you understand the concept of blackmail? Well, of course, I I have an idea.
Let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party.
That's not the secret knock.
This is the secret knock.
What difference does it make? The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
- Is that Raj and Howard? - Possibly, but unverified.
Will you just let us in.
Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.
- So what'd you get the birthday boy? - Well, Raj got him an awesome, limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman.
And I got him this amazing autographed copy of The Feynman Lectures on Physics.
I got him a sweater.
Okay, well, he might like that.
I've seen him get chilly.
- Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
- That's because I didn't bring one.
- Why not? - Don't ask.
The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense.
- Too late.
- Let's say I go out and I spend $50 on you.
It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need.
Now, I could simplify things just give you the $50 directly, and then you could give me $50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer.
And I ask you, is it worth it? Told you not to ask.
Sheldon, you're his friend.
Friends give each other presents.
I accept your premise; I reject your conclusion.
Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
- What? - Just do it.
It's a non-optional social convention.
Fair enough.
He came with a manual.
How am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don't drive and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station.
I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
Okay let's do this I will drive Sheldon to get a present.
Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard - for about 2 hours.
- No problem.
And then, Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
What if guests show up? Entertain them.
What if they're women? Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
- How's it goin'? - Fine.
So listen, the NuArt is showing the revised, definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Seen it.
No, you've seen the 25th Anniversary Final Cut.
This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage.
They say it completely changes the tone of the film.
Come on.
Afterwards, there's a Q & A with Harrison Ford's body double.
Look, I'm in the Halo battle of my life here.
There's this kid in Copenhagen he has no immune system, so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24-seven.
- Can't you play him some other time? - Not if you believe his doctors.
Oh, my God, do you smell gas? - No.
- Yeah, no.
They have DVDs over there.
Yes, but they have DVD burners over here.
Leonard needs a DVD burner.
A gift shouldn't be something someone needs, it should be something fun.
Something they wouldn't buy for themself.
You mean like a sweater? It's a fun sweater.
It's got a bold geometric print.
Is it the geometry that makes it fun? The point is one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
Okay, I see.
So, not a DVD burner.
Something he wouldn't buy for himself, something fun, Something like An 802-11n wireless router! Here you go, Copenhagen boy.
How about a taste of Hans Christian hand grenade? That could not feel good.
Come on, come Oh, you clever Come on.
Take that! - What's the matter? - This granola bar has peanuts in it! - Oh, my God.
Why did you eat it? - I don't know.
It was just there! If I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself? Don't yell at me! I've got to go to the emergency room! - Now?! - No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket! All right, just let me get my keys.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! The laundry is out of the hamper.
Okay, Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine.
It's out of the washer! I'll call you when it's in the dryer.
All right, let's go.
- What do you think? - That one.
Because of the two additional Ethernet ports? - Sure.
- No need, he's already got a six-port Ethernet switch.
- Okay, then this one.
- Why? I don't know.
The man on the box looks so happy.
Penny, if I'm going to buy Leonard a gift, I'm going to do it right.
I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
I know I'm gonna regret this, but: What trauma? On my 12th birthday, I really wanted a titanium centrifuge so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
Of course.
Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me This is hard.
They got me a motorized dirt bike.
What 12-year-old boy wants a motorized dirt bike? All of them? - Really? - Yeah.
So we're getting this one? - Yeah, I suppose.
- All right, let's go.
Excuse me.
Do you know anything about this stuff? I know everything about this stuff.
Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Buy this one: it's the one we're getting.
Happy guy.
No, she doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want firewire or USB? It depends on what buss you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
- We have to go.
- Not now.
This poor man needs me.
You, hold on.
I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one.
" - Excuse me.
- Fill this out.
Have a seat.
We're throwing my friend a surprise party I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for 2 hours.
Fill this out and have a seat.
No, the only way I could get him to leave was to tell him I ate a peanut because I'm allergic to peanuts.
Well, in that case, fill this out and have a seat.
All I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a Band-Aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine, and you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for 1 hour 1/2.
- Is that all you need? - Yes.
Get out of my ER.
- No, you don't understand.
- I understand, but unfortunately, this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Okay, I get it.
I know how the world works.
How about if I were to introduce to you to the man who freed your people? Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time.
Sorry, I couldn't find a parking spot.
- How are you doing? - Bad, very bad.
Really? You don't look like you're swelling up at all.
We should just pick up some Benadryl at the drugstore and go home.
- We can't go home.
- Why not? Because because Brisket! Brisket! - Water! Need water! - I'll be right back.
I've got a problem.
Well, so do I.
You gotta stall Leonard a little longer.
- I don't think I can.
- You have to.
We all have to be there at the same time to yell surprise.
You have to understand something.
We're in a hospital right now.
- Why? Is Leonard okay? - Leonard's fine.
I'm fine.
Thanks for asking, by the way.
Okay, I don't need your attitude.
Just hold him there a little longer.
I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Okay, how about this? You keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy? Don't toy with me, woman.
I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around a alcoholic who's 2 tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Thy will be done.
I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
Okay, we don't have that in stock but I can special-order it for you.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently, neither does anyone else.
- Sheldon, we have to go.
- Why? For one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party, and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
"1234" is not a secure password.
Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
Look, sir, we are very busy here, and I Holy crap! Please help me! Code four! I need a gurney! - Right away! Right away! - Thank you.
Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits, they sure test everything.
I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.
You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
Right, it's your birthday.
I had no idea it was your birthday.
I completely forgot.
What a lousy way to spend a birthday.
It's all over now.
There is a party, isn't there? Maybe.
- Are you mad? - How could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you care about me.
Yeah, that's why I did it.
All right.
Here we go.
My first birthday party.
Dude, everybody left an hour ago.
Surprise! Okay, Leonard.
I am at your birthday party.
I don't know where you are, dude, but it's really kick-ass! Everyone is very, very drunk and And look, there's a girl taking her shirt off! That's my friend Carol.
Remind me, I gotta introduce her to Howard.
Oh, sweet Krishna, shake that rupee maker! I'm so sorry you didn't get your party.
It's okay.
Happy birthday, anyways.
When's your birthday?
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