Big Bang Theory s02e04 Episode Script

The Griffin Equivalency

Let's see, Raj was the kung pao chicken.
-I'm the dumplings.
-Yes, you are.
Creepy, Howard.
Creepy good or creepy bad? -Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce? -That would be me.
Come to papa, you un-kosher delight.
I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Sit over there.
Sit over there.
-Baby wipe? -Why do you have--? -No, don't ask.
-No, don't, don't.
I'll tell you why.
I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the restrooms with hot-air blowers.
I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
-Why? -Really, don't.
Hot-air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence.
It'd be more hygienic if they had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Hey, guys, I just got the most amazing new-- Do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? Okay, well, I'll just go eat by myself.
-You don't have to do that.
-It's okay.
Between him not talking, him talking, and him l'm better off alone.
So goodbye, you poor, strange little man.
-She's so considerate.
-So, what's your news? Remember that little object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt? Oh, yeah, 2008-NQ sub-17.
Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood.
Anyway, because of my discovery People Magazine is naming me one of their 30 Under 30 to Watch.
-Raj, that's incredible.
-Congratulations.
Excuse me, 30 what under 30 what to watch what? Thirty visionaries under 30 years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of the fields.
If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.
They've got me in with a guy doing something about hunger in Indonesia a psychotherapist using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Oh, I'd so do her.
You'd do the dolphins.
Do I get a mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket? Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist.
He drives a Bentley.
It's a lease.
I'm confused.
Was there some sort of peer-review committee to determine which scientists would be included? Peer review? It's People Magazine.
People picked me.
-What people? -The people from People.
What? Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials? How are they qualified? What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment by someone under 30? Boy, I'll bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
You proud of yourself? In general, yes.
Oh, there's my missing neutrino.
You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge weren't you, you little subatomic dickens? -Hi, Sheldon.
-Hey, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Oh, good, we can take it off the milk carton.
We're gonna apologize and invite Raj out to dinner.
Apologize? For what? He came over last night with some pretty good news and we weren't very supportive.
I sense you're trying to tell me something.
You were a colossal asshat.
Oh, no, I beg to differ.
Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Really? Do tell.
How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was 11, my sister bought our father a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug.
And frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
Okay, let's try it this way.
What if this People Magazine thing is the best Raj is going to achieve? -I had not considered that.
-Mm-hm.
Come on.
I often forget other people have limitations.
It's so sad.
-He can feel sadness? -Not really.
It's what you and I call condescension.
Now, when we go in there, let's show Raj that we're happy for him.
But I'm not.
Well, then fake it.
Look at me.
I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz.
But I'm bigger than that.
Fine.
What do you want me to do? Smile.
Oh, crap, that's terrifying.
We're here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Try less teeth.
Close enough.
Come on.
-Hey, Raj.
-Hey, guys.
What's up? We wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Celebrate your 30 Under 30 thing.
Right, Sheldon? -It's very nice of you.
I would like that.
-Hello, boys.
-Dr.
Gablehauser.
-Dr.
Koothrappali.
-Dr.
Gablehauser.
-Dr.
Hofstadter.
-Dr.
Gablehauser.
-Dr.
Cooper.
-Dr.
Gablehauser.
-Mr.
Wolowitz.
Boys, I've got a question for you.
Who in this room discovered a star? Actually, 2008-NQ sub-17 is a planetary body.
I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me.
You, my exotic young friend, are my star.
But you didn't discover him.
You merely noticed he was here much like he did with 2008-NQ sub-17.
-Sheldon.
-Ugh.
Sorry.
Well, we gotta get you into a better office.
Something more suited to your status.
-You don't have to go to trouble.
-How about von Gerlach's old office? -I'd rather have Fishbein's.
It's bigger.
GABLEHAUSER: Done.
Wait, I called dibs on Fishbein's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
He gets a new office, I can't get paper towels in the mens' room? -Sheldon.
-Damn, this is hard.
Let me ask you, what do you think the business of this place is? [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] -Science? -Money.
Told you.
And this boy's picture in People Magazine is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than-- Well, taller than you.
-I have a Master's degree.
-Who doesn't? Dr.
Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the president's dining room? I didn't even know there was a president's dining room.
It's the same food as the cafeteria, only fresh.
-Come on, little buddy.
-Okay, big buddy.
See you tonight, guys.
-You can stop smiling now.
-Ah.
So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked to the People Magazine photo shoot-- -Have any of you been to a photo shoot? HOWARD: No.
It's fantastic.
Apparently, the camera loves me, and I, it.
They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this: They're going to digitally add a supernova.
They say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Right, a ball of hot, flaming gas that collapses upon itself.
[CELL PHONE RINGS] Excuse me.
Oh, it's my assistant, Trevor.
Go for Koothrappali.
Uh-huh.
They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen, I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Have we at this point met our social obligations? Not yet.
Okay, put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go.
Alrighty? Koothrappali out.
God bless that boy.
-Don't know what I'd do without him.
-You just got him this afternoon.
Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
-A lackey? -I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India, we just call them untouchables.
-Now? -Almost.
Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys.
People Magazine is having a reception Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
-Oh, gee, thanks.
-Oh, you're welcome.
Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, P's.
There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin.
Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point.
Here you go, Raj.
You might wanna drink this one slowly.
Okay.
So Saturday night, can I count on my posse? Gee, I'd love to, Raj, but I can't make it.
Oh, okay.
Leonard? Well, uh.
No, I could-- No.
-Sheldon? -I can make it, but I won't.
-What are you talking about? -The reception for my article on Saturday.
You guys aren't going? I can't believe you.
Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment.
You're not gonna be there? A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
That would be cool.
I'd go to that reception.
Come on, this is huge.
Raj is gonna be in People Magazine and he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Would you like to go with me? Of course I would.
I would be honored.
Really? Cool.
Shame on you guys.
Look at that, I got a date with Penny.
I can't believe it took you a whole year.
-Now? -Now.
Hey, buddy.
I'm gonna be in People Magazine.
Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.
Oh, Raj, look at you.
I know.
I'm resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not? Um, yeah.
Starting with the champagne a little early, aren't you? It was in the limo.
They sent a limo.
I have a limo.
I just love saying limo.
Here.
-Sip on this while you're getting ready.
-Oh, I'm ready.
That's what you're wearing? Um, yeah.
Why, what's wrong with it? Nothing.
I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, ridonkulous.
Yeah.
Well, this is all the "donkulous" you're gonna get tonight.
Okey-dokey.
Let's roll.
All right, it's time to raise the roof.
Ooh-ooh.
Hey, Leonard.
-Hey.
-Dude.
-You look very nice.
BOTH: Thank you.
-Come on.
Good night, Leonard.
-Good night.
-Leonard, do you see my limo downstairs? -Yeah.
It's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
-Terrific.
-It has more food too.
All right.
Come on, come on.
[RAJESH SINGS "GET THE PARTY STARTED"] -Hey.
-Hey, good news.
You don't have to sulk about Penny anymore.
There are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Anything-for-a-Greencard.
com? I'll lend you my username.
It's Wealthy Big Penis.
-You're joking.
-You gotta make it easy for them.
They're just learning English.
Pass.
You're just gonna sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Dr.
Apu from the Kwik-E-Mart? It's not a date and that's racist.
It can't be racist.
He's a beloved character on The Simpsons.
Let's just eat so I can get to bed.
With any luck, tonight will be the night my sleep apnea kills me.
Did you ask for the chicken to be diced, not shredded? -Yes.
-Even though the menu specifies shredded? -Yes.
-Brown rice, not white? Stop at the Korean grocery and get the hot mustard? -Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce? -Yes.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
What took you so long? -Just sit down and eat.
-Fine.
All right, it's shredded.
What do you want me to do? I want you to check before you accept the order.
Sorry.
Were you distracted by the possibility Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight? He's not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Then there's no excuse for this chicken.
You know, this situation with Koothrappali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Oh, goody, more tales from the panhandle.
That's Northwest Texas.
I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region.
Home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Do the shrimpers feature in your story? No.
Anyway, when I was 8 a Montgomery Ward delivery van ran over our family cat, Lucky.
-Lucky? -Yes, Lucky.
He's irony impaired.
Just move on.
Okay, dead cat named Lucky.
Continue.
While others mourned Lucky I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs.
A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
So not a puppy? Please.
No, nothing so pedestrian.
I wanted a griffin.
-A griffin? -Yes, half eagle, half lion.
And mythological.
Irrelevant.
Yeah, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confidant I could create one but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen.
Of course, my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Sheldon, not that we don't all enjoy a good lion-semen story, but-- What's your point? My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame then perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
You wanna breed a new friend? That's one option, but who has the time? But consider this.
The Japanese, they're doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence.
Now, combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney.
Next thing you know, we're playing Halo with a multilingual Abraham Lincoln.
Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but you're insane.
That may well be, but the fact is it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
For the record, it could kill us to meet new people.
They could be murderers or the carriers of unusual pathogens.
And I'm not insane.
My mother had me tested.
If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust.
You know, a guy who has your back.
He should have money, live in a cool place by the beach where we throw parties.
-He should share our love of technology.
-And he should know a lot of women.
Okay, let's see, money, women, technology.
Okay, we're agreed.
Our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
[RAJESH SINGING] Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Yes, it's very nice.
Good night, Raj.
-Wait, the evening's not over.
-Yes, it is.
No, it's time to put on some R.
Kelly and suck face.
Oh, wow, is the evening over.
[COMPUTER BEEPS] Wait, wait, wait.
That's my mommy and daddy calling from India.
I want you to meet my parents.
Wait, meet them? Hello, Mommy, Daddy.
Good to see you.
How are you? I'm not drunk.
-Why would you say that? -Just making conversation.
Mommy, Daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
I am not your squeeze.
There is no squeezing.
I can't see her.
Center her in the frame.
Here you go.
Cute, huh? She's not Indian.
So she's not Indian.
The boy's sowing some wild oats.
No, no, no, there's no sowing, no squeezing and no sucking face.
What if he gets her pregnant? Is this hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren? What right do you have to pick whom I have children with? Look, Rajesh, I understand you're in America.
You want to try the "local cuisine.
" But trust me, you don't want it for a steady diet.
Now, you listen to me.
I am no longer a child and I will not be spoken to like one.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up.
-What's wrong with him? PENNY: I don't know.
Maybe it's the local cuisine.
Okay, well, it's nice to meet you.
Just gonna set you on down over here.
And I'm gonna leave, so namaste.
And FYI, you'd be lucky to have me as daughter-in-law.
She's feisty.
I like that.
[SHUFFLING] Raj, what are you doing? No, no notes.
If you have something to say to me, say it.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Sorry.
Oh, sweetie, it's okay.