Big Bang Theory s02e05 Episode Script

The Euclid Alternative

[GROANS] [SIGHS] -Good morning, Leonard.
-Aah! Uh-huh.
We have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work.
I bought these Star Wars sheets.
They turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep.
I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
I'm not going to work.
Just because your career's been stagnant for a few years, that's no reason to give up.
Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my x-ray-diffraction experiment.
Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas? -No.
-Then you can drive.
Let's go.
[LEONARD SIGHS] Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and you'd have to make other arrangements? -You did.
-And? I didn't.
Let's go.
Good night, Sheldon.
-But how am I going to get to work? -Take the bus.
But I can't take the bus.
They don't have seat belts.
And they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords? I didn't try, I succeeded.
But for some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.
Oh, you're a big boy.
You'll figure it out.
Don't talk to me like I'm a child.
Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets.
Penny? Penny? Penny? Sheldon, what is it? Leonard's asleep.
Thanks for the update.
No, wait.
You have to drive me to work.
Yeah, I really don't think I do.
But I don't drive and I can't take the bus.
You'll be fine as long as you don't do that bungee thing.
Penny.
Didn't you recently state that you and I are friends? Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.
Then I hereby invoke what I'm given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship.
The favor.
Oh, dear God.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting your morning prayers.
When you're done, we'll go.
Thank you for driving me to work.
You know this is my day off, Sheldon.
Oh, good, I'm not keeping you from anything.
-Your check-engine light is on.
-Mm-hm.
Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
It's fine.
It's been on for, like, a month.
Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
-Sheldon, it's fine.
-lf it were fine, the light wouldn't be on.
That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Maybe the light's broken.
Is there a check-the-check-engine-light light? Oh.
What? Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
-Do you have any alcohol? -Of course not.
Too bad.
-You're going up Euclid Avenue? -Mm-hm.
Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
Well, good for Leonard.
Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps which increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice.
But you have the con.
[SPEED BUMP THUMPS] Oh! If you're not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my objection.
Here's a fun question.
Do you know what the most common street name is? -No.
-The answer's tricky.
It's Second Street.
You'd think it would be First Street.
In most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else.
Like Main Street Broad Street Michigan Avenue.
Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds with brain teasers like that.
We also play games.
Would you like to play one? -No.
-Oh, come on, it's fun.
[SPEED BUMP THUMPS] Whoo! Another bump.
Okay.
Uh, I'll say an element and, uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I'll start.
Helium.
Now, you could say, "Mercury.
" That would give me a Y.
Ooh, very clever.
That's a tough one.
So I go with ytterbium which gets you back to M.
So you go, "Molybdenum.
" And I say magnesium.
And you say, "Manganese.
" And I say europium.
And you're left with "Mendelevium.
" And there are no more M's, because I believe that meitnerium should still be called eka-iridium.
So congratulations, you win.
Do you wanna go again? How about we just have a little quiet time now? All right.
[SPEED BUMP THUMPS] [SHELDON WHIMPERS] I'm sorry.
I'm finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.
Get out.
I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of an internal-combustion engine l'm not sure I'm capable of performing diagnostics.
I said, "Get out.
" Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Oh, Leonard, there you are.
I'm ready to go home.
I just got here.
Good.
Perfect timing.
Sheldon, I told you I only have access to the free-electron laser at night.
-I can't drive you for the next few weeks.
-No.
You said you couldn't drive me to work.
This is from work.
Howard, help me out here.
No, just for the fun of it, I'm gonna take his side.
Now, how do you propose I get home? -How did you get here in the first place? -Penny.
But I sense that's not longer an option.
Look, I need to get to the laser lab.
You're just gonna have to find someone else to take you home.
Oh, damn.
I picked the wrong side.
[SCREAMING] Oh, God, not Euclid Avenue.
[SCREAMING] Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road, anyway? We had a difference of opinion.
Over what? Whether or not he was trying to kill me.
For the record, I maintain he was.
-Where are you going? -I'm taking you home.
But I'm not going home.
It's Wednesday.
Wednesday is New Comic Book Day.
We have to go to the comic-book store.
And then we have to stop at Souplantation.
It's Creamy Tomato Soup Day.
And RadioShack.
There's a sale on triple-A batteries.
We have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
I have a better idea.
You wanna go to Pottery Barn first? Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? Maybe if I turn off the nightlight, I can keep the sheets.
Good morning.
ALL: Good morning.
Sheldon, sit down.
She's in my spot.
Don't look at me like that.
Everybody knows that's my spot.
Sheldon you know that we care about you.
And it's because we care about you that we've decided we have to speak up.
You're hurting the people around you, sweetie.
So we've made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.
"Department of Motor Vehicles New Driver Handbook"? But I don't have a problem.
Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive.
This madness has to stop.
Penny's taking you to the DMV.
I'm going to bed.
-Why Penny? -Because rock breaks scissors.
Good night.
-All right.
Come on, Sheldon.
-Hold on.
I've one condition.
-What? -We have to stop at Pottery Barn.
Okay.
And RadioShack.
Fine.
-And the comic-book store.
PENNY: All right.
I wanna go to the comic-book store.
I like comic books.
I still don't see why I need a driver's license.
Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.
You know, I gotta ask: Why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everyone else? I was otherwise engaged.
Doing what? Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop N = 8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.
Well, how about when you were 17? Take this to the testing area.
Name at the top.
Sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back.
Next.
Application? I'm actually more of a theorist.
The application in your hand.
Give it to her.
Oh.
Take this to the testing area.
Name at the top.
Sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back.
Next.
Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
Look at the sign up there.
-Yes? -Does it say, "I give a damn"? -No.
-That's because I don't.
Just look.
See, this first question makes no sense.
Look, "How many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving?" There's no possible way to answer that.
A car length is not a standardized unit of measure.
Look at the sign.
-Sheldon, it's C.
Just put down C.
-I don't need your help, Penny.
-Listen to that little girl, honey.
Put C.
Next.
SHELDON: No, no.
Wait, no, hang on.
Take a look at this next question.
Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV? How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" There are three answers, none of which are correct.
The correct answer is, "When covered by liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient to static friction between the tire and the road to zero.
But not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
" Here's your learner's permit.
Go away.
But I'm not done.
I have many additional concerns about these questions.
-Don't make me climb over this counter.
-All right, come on.
Let's go.
WOMAN: Next.
Aced it.
Okay.
That's it.
Let's boot it up.
Booting.
This is a state-of-the-art simulator.
I adapted from something a friend designed for the Army.
Is that why I appear to be in Fallujah behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee? I haven't configured it yet.
Let's see.
Bradley tank.
Transport truck.
Batmobile.
-Ooh! -No.
Here we go.
Red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
Ah, mm.
-What? -Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other color.
I don't want any hassles with the fuzz.
Fine, what color do you want? You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber? Before it was digitally remastered.
Black it is.
Okay.
Now, what you wanna do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
I haven't fastened my seat belt yet.
Okay, fasten your seat belt.
Click.
-Are there air bags? -You don't need air bags.
What if a simulated van rear-ends me? I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
[ENGINE STARTS] Okay, now shift into drive.
And pull out slowly into traffic.
[TIRES SCREECHING] Do you--? Watch that-- Watch out for the pedestrians.
Oh, God, wait.
Slow down.
Hit the brakes.
Hit the brakes.
[TIRES SCREECHING] [CAR CRASHES] Thank you.
[TIRES SCREECH THEN CAR CRASHES] Sorry.
Excuse me.
[TIRES SCREECHING] My bad.
[TIRES SCREECH THEN CAR CRASHES] Student driver.
How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria? I don't know.
I was on the Pasadena Freeway, and missed my exit flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
No.
I quit.
[CAR CRASHES] [CROWD SHOUTING] [ANIMALS CHIRPING AND WHIMPERING] Oh.
The pet store.
Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software.
It's amazingly detailed.
So wait.
You're just gonna give up? No, I'm not giving up.
No, I never give up.
So, what is it you're doing? I'm, uh, transcending the situation.
I'm clearly too evolved for driving.
-What does that mean? -Leonard have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size? I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not that.
Well, those are indicators that I'm farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
-No kidding.
-Yeah, wait, no, I'm not gonna so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind.
You know, a Homo novus, if you will.
No, that's for anthropologists to decide.
But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.
Yes, you are.
You're meant to learn how to drive.
-Please learn how to drive.
-No, no.
I'm meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe not determining when it's safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.
-It's never safe.
-Yeah, well, I know that now.
Fine.
Assuming that everything you say is true how does the biologically superior Homo novus get to work tomorrow morning? Homo novus doesn't know.
Well, hang in there.
Maybe you'll evolve into something with wings.
SHELDON: Good morning, gentlemen.
-Hey.
Good morning.
Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don't know about? No, he lives here now.
Really? Why? Well, since he won't take the bus and he's too evolved to drive he decided to sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I'm finished with my experiment.
But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Yep.
[IN SPANISH] [LOUD BANGING] [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] You saw nothing.