Big Bang Theory s02e07 Episode Script

The Panty Pi?ata Polarization

All right, Klingons, pencils down.
Okay, I have pokh.
ALL: Got it.
ALL: Yep.
Got it.
-I have chorrr.
ALL: Got it.
ALL: Yeah.
-And kreplach.
-Hold on a second, kreplach? -Yeah.
That isn't Klingon.
It's Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling.
Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Really? Define it.
Kreplach, a hearty Klingon dumpling.
Judge's ruling? [SPEAKS IN KLINGON.]
Hey, guys.
I need to use your TV.
-What's wrong with your TV? -I don't know.
Just died.
I'm getting static.
Did you pay your cable bill? Ugh.
You sound just like the cable company.
All right, so shh.
Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America's Next Top Model.
-Excuse me, Penny, but we're-- -Don't tell her.
--playing Klingon Boggle.
What do you mean, "Ohh?" Like she didn't know we were nerds? All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.
All right, Boggle warriors.
Look at those women.
They're gorgeous.
Oh, worf.
Too bad that's a proper noun.
Oh, look, there's the future Mrs.
No wait, that's the future Mrs.
With her head in the lap of-- What a coincidence.
It's the future Mrs.
Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother.
The current Mrs.
Is qochbe spelled with a "qo" or a "ko?" Why is that Mrs.
Wolowitz crying? Oh, that's Anaïs.
None of the other girls in the house like her.
House? What house? -They all live in a house together.
-A house? Where? I don't know.
Somewhere in L.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels? Yeah, I guess.
And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights? -Hey, where are you going? -To pay my cable bill.
All right, pencils down.
I have lokh, makh and cherrrkh.
Anybody got those? [CHATTERING ON TV.]
Did I miss anything? Did they kick Giselle off? Not yet, but her underwater photo shoot was an embarrassment.
Sadly, Mrs.
Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine.
Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed.
Sheldon, the food's here.
Oh, there's the house.
Freeze frame, freeze frame.
-What are you doing? -Marking the positions and landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels.
-Why? -Isn't it obvious? Every week they kick out a beautiful girl making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem.
the future Mrs.
Howard Wolowitz.
-Is my hamburger medium-well? -Yes.
-Dill slices, not sweet? -Yes.
-Individual relish packets? Onion rings? -Yes.
-Extra breading? What did they say? -I asked.
-Did you protest? Vociferously? -Yes.
Well, then, what took you so long? Just eat.
-Hey, guys.
What'd I miss, what'd I miss? -Giselle's hanging by a thread.
Oh, good, I hate her.
Then you're not invited to our wedding.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative, pseudo-reality again? ALL: Yes.
You and I have a standing TV schedule the result of extensive debate and compromise.
Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.
Put it on the agenda.
You have to make a motion.
I'll make a motion but you're not gonna like it.
Mock parliamentary procedure.
At least put it on mute.
Oh, Giselle's not getting kicked off.
It's totally gonna be Summer.
-What? -Sheldon's onion ring.
Just put it back.
-It's one onion ring.
-Just put it back before he comes.
Don't think that's where it was.
Okay, here he comes.
Deny, deny, deny, people.
Wall of silence.
-Who touched my--? -Penny.
Penny did it.
Why would you do that? I don't know.
I was hungry? What's the big deal? The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
All right.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
-What? -You have two strikes.
Three strikes and you're out.
It's a sports metaphor.
-A sports metaphor? -Yes, baseball.
All right, yeah, I'll play along.
-What was my first strike? -March 18th.
You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.
I did? The photo of the cat who wants to "Has Cheezburger?" Oh, come on, everybody loves Lolcats.
They're cute and they can't spell because they're cats.
I trusted you with my e-mail address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality.
Strike one.
Touching my food, strike two.
Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
You can get them removed early but you have to take his class.
-Oh, come on, I touched one onion ring.
-And then you put it back.
Compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they? Look, I wish I could be more lenient with you.
But since you've become a permanent member l've to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
One of us, one of us.
Well, what a thrill.
-You're sitting in my spot.
-Oh, gee, you've gotta be kidding me.
-Leonard, she's in my spot.
-Yeah, yeah.
See, here's the thing after you leave, I still have to live with him.
I don't care.
I'm taking a stand.
All right, that's it.
-Strike three.
-Oh, strike three.
I'm banished? -What the hell kind of crap is that? LEONARD: Listen.
-Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
-Yeah, you do that.
Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class? You can do it online.
So on our triangulation, we've narrowed the location of the Top Model house to three square miles in the Hollywood Hills.
Or possibly Durham, North Carolina.
When we find it, wanna go with us? -To do what? -Party with the pretty girls, dude.
Are you insane? You're not gonna party with them.
You're not even gonna get near that place.
That's what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.
No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong.
The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
My fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's Top Models.
And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
Okay, let me guess.
Quesadilla with soy cheese -for lactose-intolerant Leonard.
-Thank you.
Shrimp caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-High-Holidays Howard.
And for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj meat lover's pizza, no meat.
Coming right up.
Excuse me.
You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Oh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
-Why? -Well, you have three strikes.
One, coming in.
Two, sitting down.
And three, I don't like your attitude.
You can't do that.
Not only is it a violation of California State Law it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Yeah, no, there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
-Penny, can I talk to you for a minute? -Uh-huh.
Look, here's the thing.
I talked to Sheldon and he feels terrible.
And he agrees that he was unreasonable and out of line.
-Really? Well, that's great.
Oh, just apologize to him, okay? What? I'm not gonna apologize to that nutcase.
Come on, it's easy.
He'll even tell you what to say.
Don't you get it? You keep going along with his insanity, you're encouraging him.
We're not encouraging.
It's more like knuckling under.
I like hanging out but I'm not gonna apologize for something I didn't do.
Well, actually, technically you did do it.
That's strike one, Leonard.
Here you go.
Here's your pizza.
And thanks to Sheldon's heated discussion with my manager barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Thank you.
Go ahead.
Eat it.
I dare you.
That's it.
There's the house.
I found America's top models! -Are you sure? -Look.
On the roof.
Anaïïs and Giselle are sunbathing.
European style.
You can recognize people on Google Earth? Of course not.
I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.
NORAD? You're using military aircraft? It was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia.
I took it an hour out of its way, tops.
Okay, where is he? Sheldon? I dropped him off at the comic book store.
Try and go online.
-Problem with the Wi-Fi? -No, just try.
Greetings, hamburger-toucher.
You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things.
Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our Wi-Fi.
If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own Wi-Fi and pay for it or you may apologize to me.
-Well? -I reiterate.
Knuckle under.
Oh, no, no, no.
It is on.
I'm gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Oh, Penny, you don't wanna get into it with Sheldon.
The guy's one lab accident away from being a super villain.
I don't care.
I was in junior rodeo.
I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds.
No need to neuter the nerd.
I can get you back online.
There, see? Problem solved.
SHELDON: Hello, puny insects.
As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Thanks a lot, Howard.
What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.
Oh! Hello.
Time to do your laundry, huh? Saturday night.
Saturday is laundry night.
I know.
Every Saturday at 8:15.
Easy to anticipate.
SHELDON: What are you implying? I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15 you might find it unpleasant.
Knuckle under, my ass.
Oh, no.
Are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do? No problem.
I'll just do my laundry another night.
Another night? Well, I guess you can try but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Yeah, well, your Ken can kiss my Barbie.
Sheldon? Sheldon? Sheldon? Yes? Where are my clothes? -Your clothes? -Yes.
I left them in the washers.
I went to get them, they were gone.
Really? Despite the sign that says: "Do not leave laundry unattended"? Sheldon, where are my clothes? You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments.
Where was that? Oh, yes.
Earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye.
Do those look familiar? How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible.
And may I add: Mua-ha-ha.
-Get them down.
-Then I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty piñata.
Look, wait, Sheldon.
This has gotten out of hand.
I've done some stupid things, you've done some stupid things.
How about call it even, move on with our lives? I've done no stupid things.
-Look, you've gotta meet me halfway here.
-I am.
I'm willing to concede that you've done some stupid things.
Hey, you guys are talking again.
What happened? Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it's junior rodeo on.
Oh, not junior rodeo.
What did you do? I had no choice, Leonard.
She ruined laundry night.
Ooh! SHELDON: Mua-ha-ha.
Telephone wires can't electrocute you, can they? No.
Look, this has to stop.
-Oh, no, no, no.
It is just beginning.
-All right.
I really didn't wanna do this but here.
What this? Sheldon's kryptonite.
Oh, my God.
He can never know that I gave that to you.
Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but-- But this? It will shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.
Pause it.
That's it.
We now have the address of the Top Model house.
God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark.
Okay, for the record, what you are doing is really creepy.
If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm "creepy.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Yeah, hold on a second, I'll get him.
Sheldon, it's for you.
-Who is it? -Your mother.
Oh, good.
Hi, Mom.
How are you? But, Mom.
She keeps sitting in my spot.
And she touched my food.
Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it.
No, that's not fair.
Why should I have to apologize? I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.
No, you're right.
I don't really know what Jesus thinks about.
All right! Goodbye.
-Did you tell on me? -Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.
I am very, very sorry for what I have done.
Here's your laundry.
I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.
Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, no.
Never mind.
Never mind.
That's not important.
Sheldon, this was big of you.
-Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
-Thank you.
-Good night, Sheldon.
-Penny? Yes? Well played.
-Thank you.
-Just remember with great power comes great responsibility.
Can I help you? Yes, we're here to fix the cable.
I think we have satellite.
That's what I meant.
Come on in.
She's taller than all the women in my family combined.
What do we do now? Follow Mrs.