Big Bang Theory s02e08 Episode Script

The Lizard-Spock Expansion

Oh, look.
Saturn 3 is on.
I don't wanna watch Saturn 3.
Deep Space Nine is better.
How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3? Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Compromise.
Watch Babylon 5.
[CHUCKLES] In what sense is that a compromise? Well, five is partway between three-- Never mind.
I'll tell you what.
How about we go Rock, Paper, Scissors? Ooh, I don't think so.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors players familiar with each other will tie due to the limited number of outcomes.
I suggest Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
-What? -It's very simple.
Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Okay, I think I got it.
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
Oh.
Hello, boys.
Ahoy, matey.
Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women.
You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pink eye.
Mock me if you will, but it works.
You show up in something distinctive scope out your target and toss out some negs.
-What are negs? -A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally, I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work.
" I got a whole list of them.
Who wants to be my wingman? You're not gonna need a wingman.
You're gonna need a paramedic.
Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
Oh, did you get pink eye again? Step one: she notices the eye patch.
May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair.
Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the Dumpster.
[DOOR SLAMS] Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie.
I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Well, I wanna watch it now.
Then I believe we've arrived at another quintessential Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock moment.
Watch whatever you want.
I saw what you did there.
What'd I do? [PHONE RINGS] Hello? Hey, Howard.
What's wrong? Uh, okay.
Okay, we'll be right there.
-What happened? -Howard's at the Mars-rover lab.
He says he's in trouble.
DEFCON 5.
DEFCON 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
-What? -DEFCON 5 means no danger.
DEFCON 1 is a crisis.
How can five not be worse than one? Well, Star Trek V, worse than 1.
First of all, that's a comparison of quality, not intensity.
Secondly, Star Trek I is orders of magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
No, no, no.
Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board.
Art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
You know what? Can we just forget I said "DEFCON" and go? Star Trek V.
SHELDON: Will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best? I have three words for you: Wrath of Khan.
-Thank God you're here.
-What's the emergency? I got the Mars rover stuck in a ditch.
-Where? -On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield.
Where do you think? On Mars.
[DOOR OPENS] -Howard, is everything okay? -Yeah, baby, I'll be right in.
You brought a girl to the Mars-rover control room? Yeah, I picked her up in the bar.
She's a doctor.
One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked? No, there were three other guys with eye patches.
It was a fiasco.
What did work was, "How'd you like to visit a secret government facility?" So, what exactly do you want us to do? You help me get the rover out, and you get Stephanie out before somebody notices.
She doesn't exactly have clearance.
Really? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks play with $200 million government projects on distant planets? Yes, I was bad.
Maybe she'll spank me.
Can we please move on? Hey, Howard, it's getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what? Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but something's come up.
Kind of a Mars rover-- Mars-rover-can-Howard-come-over kind of situation.
So my friend Leonard is gonna take you home.
Oh, okay.
Let's go, friend Leonard.
-Okay.
-I'll call you.
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
So are you a scientist like Howard? LEONARD: No one's a scientist like Howard.
My mother is so gonna love her.
How nice.
Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.
I'm sorry, I totally interrupted you.
What were you saying? -Just said Howard's a terrific guy.
-Yeah.
He's got a great sense of humor.
He loves his mother a lot.
Some people say too much.
-I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
-Yeah, I am loyal.
You know, if you look at the big picture.
Just, uh, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you? Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
-So then why did you--? -He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
-Got it.
-Yeah.
So can I see you again? You're not done seeing me now.
LEONARD: Hm.
Cool.
[KEYS CLICKING] Anything? Actually, I was just checking my e-mail.
But, uh, no, the rover is not responding.
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Hang on, there's gotta be other options.
You could try calling AAA.
But based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years.
Plus, I understand you have to be next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Oh, snap.
[CHUCKLES] Snap what? -Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
-What's plan B? Erase the hard drives, grab the tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Why wasn't that plan A? ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data they will most likely be unable to determine the cause of the Mars rover's malfunction.
Thank God for plan B.
Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars rover? No, you're mistaken.
Yeah, when we first met.
You said that if I went out with you I could drive a car on Mars.
I don't know what you're talking about.
LEONARD: Psst? Will you all excuse me? Leonard is signaling that he'd like to talk to me in private.
No.
Yeah, I remember specifically.
You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.
Well, that does sound like me, but no.
SHELDON: Is there some problem? Yeah, um, listen, I have to kind of sneak out for a while.
-All right.
Goodbye.
-No, wait.
If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
-Where are you going? -I can't tell you that.
Well, who would ask me? I can't tell you that either.
You brought me here to inform me you can't tell me where you're going.
And you can't tell me who might ask? Yeah, I really didn't think this through.
-Leonard, a moment.
-What? If someone-- And we don't know who this would be.
--does ask where you've gone, what should I say? I don't know.
Tell them I went to the office.
-Are you going to the office? -No.
-Well, then how can I say it convincingly? -Just say, "Leonard went to the office.
" All right.
Leonard went to the office.
What is--? No, not like that.
Just "Leonard went to the office.
" Would have worked better if you told me you were going to the office.
I'm going to the office.
See, why don't I believe you? [MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] -I'm going out for a while.
-Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES] Doesn't anyone wanna know where he's going? Okay, where is he going? Leonard is going to the office.
-So how was work today? -Busy.
I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
I'm hoping that was three different guys.
[CHUCKLES] No, just the one.
He didn't make it.
So how was your day? You know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
-That's it? -I wrote some of it down.
[LAUGHS] -Are you done eating? -Yeah.
Oh, good.
If I knew you were waiting, I would have swallowed that lasagna whole.
[PHONE RINGS] STEPHANIE [ON RECORDING] : You've reached Dr.
Stephanie Barnett.
Leave a message.
[PHONE BEEPS] HOWARD: Hey, Steph, it's me again, Howard.
If you're free Friday, maybe we could have something to eat at my place.
My mom cooks a hell of a brisket.
Let me know.
It's Howard.
[CLICKS] -I've had her brisket.
Melts in your mouth.
-Mm-hm.
Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom.
That's a good idea, because there's a bed there, and I'm very, very, very pro-bed.
[PHONE RINGS] STEPHANIE: You've reached Dr.
Stephanie Barnett.
Leave a message.
[PHONE BEEPS] HOWARD: Hey, it's me again.
Just wanna let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up.
My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs.
Oh, and if anybody should ask, you're half Jewish on your mother's side.
Okay, call me.
It's Howard.
[CLICKS] Don't you think you should tell him you're not interested? You want me to stop and call him back right now? Dear God, no.
STEPHANIE [GIGGLING] : Oh, Leonard.
[LEONARD LAUGHING] [PHONE RINGS] STEPHANIE: You've reached Dr.
Stephanie Barnett.
Leave a message.
[PHONE BEEPS] HOWARD: Hey, it's me again.
Howard.
Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you so that means we're gonna have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ [SHOUTING O VER PHONE] : Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden.
I have a coupon from the paper.
HOWARD: We're not going to the Olive Garden, Ma.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Oh, Mr.
Big-Shot with his Red Lobster.
HOWARD: I'll call you back when we firm up the details.
It's Howard.
-Oh, hey.
-Hey.
-New shirts? -Yeah, a couple.
PENNY: Nice.
-Thank you.
So who's the girl? -I'm sorry? -Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.
So, what we did was in fact dating? Well, yeah, we did have a date.
Exactly.
Thank you.
Do me a favor, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him.
So who is she? -Oh, she's a doctor.
-Oh, nice.
A "doctor" doctor, or a you kind of doctor? "Doctor" doctor.
Surgical resident.
Smart, pretty.
Let me ask you something.
If your friend thinks he's dating someone but he's not, because in fact, you're dating her does that make you a bad person? -Well, that depends.
-On what? Is that friend Wolowitz? -Yeah.
-Screw him, you're fine.
-Are you sure? -Well, have you slept with her yet? You dog.
Good for you.
-Does that change things? -No.
-So why'd you ask? -I'm nosy.
See you.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ [SHOUTING] : Howard, get the door! HOWARD [SHOUTING] : Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks? Thank you, I had no idea! [IN NORMAL TONE] Hey, buddy.
What brings you to my little slice of hell? MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Who is it? -It's Leonard! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive! No one cares, Ma! So, what's up? Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
[CELL PHONE RINGS] Momentito.
Hello? Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back.
I was worried.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, I understand.
Sure, we can be friends.
Absolutely.
Thanks for calling.
Yeah, you have a nice day too.
You are dead to me.
Okay, who gets the extra dumpling? Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
How do we decide that? Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
[ALL GRUNT] -Oh, hey, guys.
SHELDON & RAJESH: Hey.
Hi, Howard.
-Howard? -Sheldon.
Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are for all intents and purposes deceased.
He intends to act on this by not speaking to you feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
That's ridiculous.
Why are you cooperating with him? I don't make the rules, Leonard.
Howard, come on.
I didn't plan on this.
These things just happen.
Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Did someone just feel a cold breeze? I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor.
The cold breeze is a so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.
You know, screw it.
I'm just gonna eat the dumpling.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Oh, hi, Steph.
-Hey.
-Come on in.
-Oh, is this a bad time? Yeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon, so.
Oh, if it isn't Mrs.
Dead-To-Me.
Hello, Howard.
-Sheldon? -I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence.
I'm out.
He just won't listen to me.
Okay, well, I guess it'll just be the three of us then.
-Yeah.
Lisa's gonna be disappointed.
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
Lisa? Yeah, my roommate.
She just went through a bad breakup.
I thought she might like to meet somebody fun like you.
Leonard, Stephanie, you're alive.
It's a miracle.
So anyway, Lisa, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed the other night, and again, I'm sorry for how it ended.
But again, if you could let me know about Friday my mother needs a head count so she can know how big a brisket to get.
Howard.
Look at this.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] Anyway, call me.
It's Howard.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV] : It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice but one thing's certain: The data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind.
Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
Son of a bitch.