Big Bang Theory s10e09 Episode Script

The Geology Elevation

1 Thank you very much.
LEONARD: That is unbelievable.
Good for Bert.
Damn, the MacArthur Genius Grant.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Everything is stupid and I want to go home.
That's Sheldon's way of saying he's proud of Bert, too.
Hey, it's not even called the "Genius Grant," it's the MacArthur Fellowship.
Just like it's not Frankenstein, it's "Frankenstein's Monster.
" Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there.
And if anyone's a genius, it's me for the way I brought that full circle.
How much money did he win? Over half a million dollars.
- Wow.
- And he doesn't have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.
Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under.
Here he comes.
Be polite.
I know how to behave.
Do you? Hey, congratulations Bert! Yeah, good for you.
That's amazing.
I was as surprised as anybody.
When they called and told me I won, I didn't believe them.
And then they said, "No, you really won.
" And then I said, "Cool.
" Someone call George R.
Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.
I've gotten pretty good at telling it.
Well, see ya.
Some genius.
I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn't even notice.
I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I've ever heard.
Well, aren't you a peach.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 10x09 The Geology Elevation @elderman Who leaves their bike in the hallway? You know, if I knew how to ride one, I'd steal it.
Ignore him, he's just cranky because Bert from the geology lab won a big grant.
Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio! You know, when they told him he won, he didn't believe it, but then he did believe it.
It was so funny.
SHELDON: Who listens to the radio anymore? Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions.
They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.
You know what, I've met Bert.
Isn't he an indicator of life on other planets? (chuckles) SHELDON: You used to make those jokes about me.
Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert! You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert's research, you'd be less bitter about him winning.
(stammering): You want me to read a geology paper? Honestly, I just want you to be quiet but I'm all out of taffy.
(knocking) You busy? There's somebody out here who wants to meet you.
Who is it? Say hello to everybody's little friend-- remote control Stephen Hawking! Where did you get that? I found him in an old box.
Why would you buy it? I didn't buy it.
I made it.
Last question.
What is wrong with you? What's the big deal? Howie, it's in poor taste.
No, it's not.
Check it out.
He says fun stuff.
RC HAWKING: Hey good lookin', want to go for a spin? His eyes also light up in the dark.
It's always fun watching him read someone else's work.
(scoffs) (moans) It's like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.
Ye-- why? Eh, why?! Oh, that's why.
Sounds like the night we had coitus.
I hope you're happy making me read this.
Bert's work is remarkable.
And I'm more upset than ever.
This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer's actually entertaining.
Sheldon, it's foolish to be angry that Bert's work has merit.
Yeah, well I-I am angry! And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry! And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel? Ooh, a-angry? What are you doing? I-I-I knew the answer.
I got excited.
Hey, buddy, why don't we go for a walk, so you can calm down.
(sighs) That's a good idea.
I guess everyone's having them now.
Hey, I'm trying to help you.
You can walk ahead of me and scare off the pigeons.
Just wave your arms a little and they fly away, it's not Okay, Raj, I'm gonna show you something.
Now, one of us thinks it's offensive.
The other thinks it's hilarious and a great idea.
But, I'm not going to tell you who likes it.
This is tough.
But I'm going to say it's the guy who shows me YouTube videos of people getting hit in the nuts.
(laughing) You're crazy.
I've worked with Hawking.
He's got a great sense of humor.
And I think he'd like it.
Okay, call him and show him.
I dare you.
I have no problem calling him.
Fine, then do it.
Fine, I will.
While you're bothering the world's most famous scientist, be sure to show him how funny he looks getting stuck under our dishwasher.
What's this button do? Gentlemen, start your wheelchairs.
You laughed when that guy got hit in the nuts.
I laughed because the guy was Leonard.
I admire you, Leonard.
Really, why? You're happy with who you are.
You don't get jealous of other people.
Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.
I couldn't just take the compliment.
I had to ask why.
You know, I do understand what you're feeling.
My brother and sister's accomplishments have always been held over my head.
How did you deal with it? I wet the bed until college, but I don't think that's a quality fix.
(groans) I can't believe I was surpassed by a geologist.
I mean rocks! He studies rocks! If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I'm having a primal urge to throw this rock.
Do it.
Visualize it as your anger a-and-and toss it out of your life.
Perhaps I will.
This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions.
I will cast you far away.
Feel free to take out a pigeon while you're at it.
Let it fly.
(inhales deeply) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow What happened? I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot! Then he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.
Wha--? And what happened to you? Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose.
It's fine.
You know, it's one thing to be envious, but now you're injuring yourself.
It has to stop.
Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.
You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life.
Y-You've got love, you're in good health, you've got a roof over your head.
Yeah, but you've got all those things, and no one's lining up to be you.
Anybody else want to try? I'm gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices.
LEONARD: You're up.
(Penny clears throat) This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off! Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful? I do! Your life is fine, you big baby! Maybe you're right.
Really?! If it helps, I'm questioning your life choices, too.
Thank you, Penny.
You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert's success is not my failure.
There you go.
And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.
There you go What's up? I'm conducting a quick survey.
Do you think this respectful and loving tribute to a great man is in poor taste? Yep.
Do you think this is in poor taste? Does it spin around and do tricks? Yeah! Then yeah.
What do you think? That is hilarious! Give me the remote control.
I want to drive him into the girls' restroom.
All right, we're done.
It's offensive.
Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.
You're in a good mood.
Well, it's a new day.
I have a new outlook.
You know, I realized I don't need to worry about other people.
I just need to think more about myself.
Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you? Well, I'm glad to see you moving forward.
Bert did quality research.
And he deserves whatever accolades he receives.
What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night? I think he might be learning on his own.
Then the robot uprising has begun.
Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.
He doesn't just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him.
Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.
I've been hearing that a lot.
Ever since I won, people think I'm great.
Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.
You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I'm allowed to nominate someone for next year.
Really? I didn't know that.
So I was thinking, you know, engineers don't get a lot of respect.
Is your friend Howard working on anything cool? You know, I-I'm not sure.
You know, you'd have to ask him.
Excuse me.
Aah! (loud bang, thud) SHELDON: Leonard! I hurt myself again.
Excuse me, I-I have to go take some pictures.
I can't believe you head-butted a water fountain.
No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.
I can't imagine you being violent.
It's not hard.
Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
Jealousy is completely illogical.
It's a human emotion, Sheldon.
Everyone gets jealous.
I'm jealous of Leonard and Penny and Howard and Bernadette for being in such happy relationships.
What about me and Sheldon? Sure.
I've always been jealous of how much money Raj's family has.
Thank you for saying that.
Next to buying things, that is the best part about having money.
Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.
Aw, thank you.
That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.
What?! You know what I mean.
You were still hot, but more like a "why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.
You liked my short hair, right? Yeah I loved it.
Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.
Seriously, none of you liked it? I thought it was brave.
Does that count as liking it? You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut? I think he looks cute.
And I think you're cute.
I think you're both cute.
I think I hate all of you nerds.
Sorry I'm moving slowly.
Oh, I don't mind.
If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I'm walking with my grandma.
Oh, no.
Did you A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.
Well, change "plaque" to "mixed-race couple" and you are my grandma.
I can't take this anymore.
Bert! BERT: Come in.
All right, let's do this Bert? We need to talk.
What happened to you? Rock, rock, water fountain.
I am not proud of this.
But I have been envious of your recent success.
Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone's jealous of me.
Once I get Lasik, I'll be out of things to wish for.
I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I'd somehow be unburdened.
Is it working? No.
Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.
Well, you know, we're both pretty smart.
I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.
We Hang on.
You're my enemy.
Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend.
And right now, I'm my own worst enemy.
That makes you my fr-- Okay, I'm good to go.
Now that we're friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen? You know what? This isn't gonna work.
Sheldon wait.
You know, you've got a lot to be happy about.
You're at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.
Yes! That's right! I have Amy! In the past, you've professed feelings for her.
Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don't? It used to.
But now that I'm rich and successful, I think I can do better.
I can't believe you punched Bert.
I didn't punch him.
He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop.
I'm not even sure he knows I did it.
Hey, Sheldon, I've got someone here who might make you feel better.
Hello, Sheldon.
Professor Hawking! HAWKING: I understand you're struggling with professional jealousy.
Thanks, Leonard, now he's not gonna think I'm cool.
Don't worry, I know how you feel.
I have never won a Nobel Prize.
Oh, wow, that doesn't seem fair.
It's fine.
I've been on The Simpsons.
How do you deal with the success of your colleagues? I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory.
Also, I was on Star Trek.
Oh, it was a good one.
He played poker with Sir Isaac You don't care.
Don't waste your time on jealousy, Sheldon, you're too brilliant.
How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you're brilliant? I can't.
Thank you, Professor Hawking.
You are a gift to mankind.
There should be statues of you everywhere.
You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair.
We could swap you right in.
I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.
What a wonderful idea! How does this man not have a Nobel? Do not tell Wolowitz.
Way ahead of you.
A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better.
And I know that's true because laughing has made me the "smartiest.
" (laughter) Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they're dumb.
(laughter) Do people know about her? 'Cause she's delightful.
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