Big Bang Theory s10e10 Episode Script

The Property Division Collision

1 If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating? Oh, actually, I would.
Great, what'd you have in mind? Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.
Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.
You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.
Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Well, I'm sure she misses this one.
I mean, it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.
It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
It may have appreciated in value.
The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.
Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.
Look, it's the same smile she has in the painting.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 10x10 The Property Division Collision Original @elderman Yeah-- there's hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.
Oh, no, no, Th-those hooks are gone.
What happened to them? Uh, we ran out of candy on Halloween, I was just giving everything away.
Hey, guys, what are you? Oh, that's here, cool.
Amy wants me to have it.
Well, it would be selfish of me to keep it.
B-But it's a picture of you.
And you.
But you commissioned it.
To give to you.
But you like it so much.
So do you.
I seem to be losing.
Yes, you do.
You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through.
Uh, for example who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw? Why don't you keep it? That seems fair; we did just give you the painting.
Yeah, I don't need anything around that I can stab myself with.
SHELDON: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine.
And how about you keep our avocado plant? Sounds right-- a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.
Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.
Fine, take the plant.
Oh, we got a sword and a plant; our apartment's really shaping up.
Stuart, you didn't have to get us a baby gift.
Just homemade coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here.
Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor.
If you're not in a hurry, I can dig you a koi pond.
A foot massage? And that's not me being creepy, that's for either of you.
This is very nice, Stuart, thank you.
How come this one's on the back of an eviction notice? Oh, yeah.
Uh, now that you mention it can I live here? Stuart, we'd love to help you out, but this a bad time; we're about to have a baby.
Or is that why this is a great time? Think about it-- when that baby comes, you're gonna need all the help you can get.
Thank you, but I'm not really sure.
Hang on, maybe it's not the worst idea.
I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.
That woman didn't get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.
Hey I guess you could stay for a few days and we'll see how it goes.
Thank you.
And it's only temporary, just till I get back on my feet.
or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.
(chuckles) When would you move in? Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm gonna say now.
But I am ready to be helpful.
In fact I'm gonna go vacuum.
Actually I just did that this morning.
Then I'll dust.
I did that, too.
Then I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Howard just did that.
Yeah, let him do it.
(gasps) Oh.
Remember when we got this at Comic-Con? LEONARD: Oh, yeah.
The Mr.
Spock cuckoo clock.
Live long and prosper.
Live long and prosper.
Live long and prosper.
Live long and prosper.
It's one of a kind.
So if it breaks there'd be none of it? Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr.
Spock more than you do.
On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.
So you think you should keep it? I'll be right across the hall.
You'll probably be able to hear it.
Keep the clock, Sheldon.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you? Oh, now (grunts) what about our 3-D chess set? Let me guess, you want it.
Well, no, I just didn't think you'd want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win.
As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.
You know what, Sheldon, take it.
In fact, you can have everything.
I really don't care.
Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together.
Well, now they're yours.
Well, you know what's gonna happen.
He's just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.
For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess? Sheldon, you're-you're being a little selfish.
Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things? It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.
You know what? There is one thing I would like.
Yeah, take whatever you want.
I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment.
But you don't even like flags.
Yeah, I like this one.
But I designed it.
But you made me order it because you were "too well-known" in the flag community and they'd jack up the price.
But you don't even understand its symbolism.
Oh, I do.
The-the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I'm happy about it.
Come along, Amy.
I know when I'm not wanted.
I don't think you do, but all right.
Stuart, you cooked? How did you know it wasn't me? There's only three people in this house, and you'd still be my fifth guess.
(doorbell rings) That's Raj.
You guys relax, I'll get it.
Have some bread while it's still warm.
(chuckles) It's like we have a butler.
If I had a Batsuit I'd be Bruce Wayne.
You have a Batsuit.
It's pajamas, there's no cape.
Hey, Raj.
Hey, Stuart.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm living here again.
Do, uh, Howard and Bernadette know? Or is it like a possum in the walls kind of thing? No, I needed a place to stay and, with the baby coming, I figured they could use some extra help.
Okay, cool.
Anyway, come on in, dinner's ready.
Oh, but I bought Chinese takeout.
Oh, okay.
Well, if Bernadette wants her ankles to swell up even more, she can have that.
Is the Wi-Fi working for you? Uh, hang on.
I don't think so, I'm clicking on "One weird trick for a flat belly," but I'm still seeing "Celebrities who look like their pets.
" Oh, I knew it, Sheldon changed the password.
Are you sure? Well, the new network name is, "Ha ha ha, now I've got you," so It's either Sheldon or Gargamel from The Smurfs.
What a jerk.
You're good at revenge; how do we get him back? Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person's boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I'm already doing that.
Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.
Well, powder me in sugar and call me a donut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.
Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.
If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth.
Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.
All right, I tried.
"All right, I tried.
" That should be the title of your autobiography.
Ooh, a second-degree burn.
I've got the Neosporin.
Who got hurt? It's a good thing you're cute.
So, I was reading how it's a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.
Yeah, we've been meaning to do that.
Oh, I know a CPR instructor who'll come to the house.
That'd be great.
STUART: I'll give him a call.
We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.
Thank you again for cooking.
It's getting tough for me to be on my feet all day.
You just kick back and relax; I've got it all under control.
Although it was already under control.
(clears throat) I'm sorry, you mumbled something? It's just that they've had plenty of help.
Well, you know what they say-- it takes a village.
Well, they already had a village.
I noticed the village couldn't find time to put the crib together.
Yeah, well, maybe the village was too busy checking out the local Montessori school for the new arrival.
You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We'll pass, thank you.
Do something, Batman.
(gasps) Hey.
What do you think you're doing? Separating my delicates.
This is the level you're stooping to.
This is the level I am stooping to.
I believe that is flag to crotch four, checkmate.
Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy.
Hey, what's up? I'm here to put the crib together.
Ooh, sorry, I already did it.
Oh, I don't know if you realize this, but I bought that crib.
Oh, yeah, I read about that on WhoGivesACrap.
com Why are you being like this? Because I love Howard and Bernadette and if I want to keep mooching off them, I need to be helpful.
Hey, this pregnancy had an emotionally-needy third wheel way before you came along.
Why can't there be four wheels? Is this what you do when I'm not here, make really good points? Look-Look, just come in and help me build a baby swing.
Thank you.
If you're hungry you can eat your takeout; nobody touched it.
I think I'm gonna go for a run.
You want to come? No, last time that old lady in the park kept screaming, "Watch out, he's right behind you.
" Hello? Hey, how you doing? Uh, can I help you? I don't think so, but you're sweet for asking.
What-What are you doing in our apartment? Oh, I rented a room from your neighbor, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.
Okay, uh, I don't know what he told you, but you can't stay here.
So, there are fresh linens on the bed and Oh.
Well, now, I see you've met Theodore.
Theodore, these are your new roommates, Leonard and Penny.
They're very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.
Sheldon, what do you think you're doing? My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.
It's like the '40s again.
Anyway, I'll leave you be.
I have to oh, oh! He's expecting a newspaper in the morning.
Apparently, they still make them.
All right, Sheldon, this is over the line.
That's true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn't be a man in your kitchen who can't produce a single form of ID.
Oh, oh, I have a receipt from a blood bank.
I'm O-negative.
And now you know as much about him as I do.
Oh, hey, Bernadette, the swing comes with two different mobiles.
The giraffes are pretty cute, what do you think? Great, go with the giraffes.
Although the high contrast of zebra stripes might provide better stimulus for a developing baby.
Yeah, you're probably right, go with the zebras.
Good choice, boss.
At least my nose is naturally brown.
Hey, could you please go to the market for me? Get Stuart or Raj to do it.
Howie, they've been doing everything for you.
Mm, I know.
It's really making me lose respect for both of them.
Please just go to the store.
Who wants to drive me to the store? KOOTHRAPPALI: Me! STUART: I'll do it! Take Raj.
Stuart is supposed to paint my toenails.
What do you think? Should we go to a hotel? And just leave him here alone? Okay, I'll go to a hotel.
Text me in the morning if you're still alive.
Uh, Theodore, how long are you planning to stay exactly? Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought.
This is ridiculous.
I like the painting.
Is that your mom? Sheldon, get out here! Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I'm running? We lived together 13 years.
How can you be so awful to me? I'm being awful?! You're the one who went out of your way to hurt me.
Because you were being selfish.
Dividing our belongings is difficult.
(laughing): Why? I said I didn't care! THEODORE: Excuse me.
It's none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love.
Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you.
Well, I'm just gonna keep on talking.
Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you're in a new phase of your lives and it's easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.
I think he might be right.
Also, who is that? I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.
Well, for me, too.
It's not the same with you gone.
If you're looking for a new guy to live with -No! - We're good.
Thank you.
So, no one's gonna tell me? Okay.
Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.
Well, I'd like that, too.
In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I'm not just saying that because it touched your genitals.
You promise? I do.
And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.
Well if we're rubbing genitals on things, that's where I shine.
Little lower to the left.
A little more.
Is it good? No, still hideous.
Well, I'm sure at some point, we won't even notice it's there.
Yeah, you'd think that, but after a while it starts showing up in your dreams.
I think it brings the room together.
Hey, tomorrow who wants to paint the nursery? I'll do it.
Why do you get to do it? I'm the artist.
Just because you're starving doesn't make you an artist.
Just because I look sickly doesn't mean I'm starving.
BERNADETTE: Howard! Guys, you heard her, go see what she wants.
I think I'm in labor.
Oh, oh, okay.
Okay, uh, uh, uh, I can do this.
We have a plan.
Somebody please tell me the plan.
I'll get the hospital bag.
I'll pull the van up.
Meet you outside in 2 minutes.
Team Baby, go! I love you.
I love you, too.
Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go! @elderman
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