Big Mouth (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

Smooch or Share

Whether they know it or not, people need shame.
It protects them from the sickening filth infesters within their humiliating inadequacies, self-destructive proclivities, stupid magic tricks, their fundamental otherness.
And of course, the uncontrollable urge to squirm, on a glowed worm.
For you say, shame is the cone you place around the head of your dim-witted dog to protect him from naughting at his own genitals, because they will become infected.
But I wanna naught so bad! Uh, uh, uh! - Oh.
- There we are.
Oh, thank you.
You're such a good master.
- Bad boy! - Hit me.
What about my toochie? - Stop enjoying this! - But I love it.
Oh, Wiggles, won't you please wake up? It's no use, Missy.
You suffocated it with your greedy moans.
- Hey, it's the floating grandpa! - For the last time, you imbecile.
- I'm the Shame Wizard.
- What are you doing? - Oh, there's the problem.
- Oh, good Lord! - [CHUCKLES.]
LeBron James! [GASPING.]
Oh, man.
I was going to ask you why your hands were down your pants in front of all the children, but now that seems besides the point.
Pardon my French, but my pubbies were pulling my balls into my butthole, so Oh, you got one on your cheek.
- Don't touch me.
- Make a wish.
Oh, then my wish didn't come true.
- Your wish was to touch me? - Yeah, you're my best friend! - But we've never met.
- Okay.
- Hi, I'm Steve.
I'm your best friend.
- Wait, I'm sorry - Isn't Jay your best friend? - Oh, yeah.
Jay's my best friend and Miss B's my best friend - and the Shame Lizard's my best friend.
- Wait.
Do you think my name is Shane Lizard? Yeah, cool name.
I drew a picture of all of us in the bedroom.
- You want to go see it, The Shane Lizard? - [SIGHS.]
I do want to see this picture.
All right! Best friends.
- Hey, Gina.
- What do you want? I wanted to apologize.
I shouldn't have told anyone - about what we did.
- Okay.
Even though, you know, Jessi is the one who spread around - and it's ultimately her fault.
- Nailed it! - So, are we good now? - No, we are not good.
But I apologized, isn't that what you wanted? No, I wanted you to not tell your friends that you've squeezed my boob in the first place.
Unfortunately, Gina.
I think that ship has already sailed.
- Good point! - Look, we had a fight, - and I screwed up.
- Keep explaining.
And then I said I was sorry, so now we're making up and maybe it's time for a little make up make out.
Yeah! [KISSING.]
And then.
And then.
- You know what you are? - What? You're a little fucking prick.
You're a little big boob bitch.
- Get the fuck away from me.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
- I thought we were just flirting.
- No! Argh! Can't believe I made out with you in the first place, - but it won't happen again, so - But like - Please leave my sleeping area.
- Never say never? Now! - Furious.
- Yeah, I see, Caleb.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Ah, I feel bad about Gina.
Why? She sucks.
Everybody sucks.
- Yeah, I gotta get out of here.
- Ooh! We going on a walkabout? Let's hope there's no crocs out there! I really don't think there are any crocodiles in the hallway.
No, I mean crocs! Them dumb plastic shoes with all those holes up in 'em.
I don't wanna smell your stinky ass kid feet.
Well, it's been a good ride, Wiggles.
From my baby crib to that socialist Sleepaway Camp.
I'm really gonna miss you, comrade.
Really going to miss you.
- Missy? - [SCREAMS.]
Oh, Andrew! What are you doing here? I just I saw you coming out here and you looked so sad.
- Are you okay? - I can't even face you.
It's just too much.
- I'm the biggest perv in the world.
- What? That's impossible.
You can't be the biggest perv in the world.
- Why not? - Because, - you're looking at him.
Me! - What? I am him.
I am me.
Me is the biggest perv ever.
This guy, this two thumbs.
I think I understand what you're trying to do here, Andrew, and it's very generous, but I'm a horny spaz and everyone knows it.
What could be worse than that? She's a horny spaz.
You should jazz on her.
- Jazz? - Jizz on her spaz.
- The one true American art form.
- Jesus Christ.
Missy, I can't believe I'm gonna tell you this but, when we danced together at the fall dance - A Night in Ancient Mesopotamia? - Well, when we were dancing, I kind of came in my pants.
Yikes! - Oh God, I shouldn't have told you.
- No, Andrew.
It was so brave of you to share with me and you know what, it actually does make me feel better.
She's into it! Thrust her.
I feel better too, telling you that and you not being grossed out or kicking me in the shins or something, makes me feel less alone.
I just can't believe I drove you to climax, that's so adult! I love it when she talks dork dirty.
If I were to speak from the heart, it was the most I ever made.
All right.
Well, thank you.
And I'm just gonna head back to the scene of the crime.
Oh, well, Inspector Clouseau.
The most you ever made? Please.
Just for the runoff you blam-o on my condo floors are warped.
And now my credit score is warped too, 'cause the condo's in my name! [GROANS.]
- Jay.
Nice pajamas.
Nice jean shorts.
Ha! Joke's on you, idiot.
These are my underwear.
Jean shorts as underwear, and he didn't wash his hands.
Oh, and he didn't flush, and he's reading a magazine called Jean Shorts Weekly? Oh, an interview with Andre Agassi.
Yes, please.
- Like, hi.
- I have nothing to say to you.
- But, we're like a seam.
- No, we're not.
Oh my God, are you joking me right now? We both have the best boobs in the grade, it's so obvious, right? And we were both like, wronged by Nick and Andrew.
I guess we did both kind of get used.
We're like total victim sisters in actuality.
Oh, I don't like to see myself as a victim.
Okay, so we'll just be sisters.
If mom dies, I get her Bon Jovi earrings.
All right, I see.
- So that one must be Jay.
- [STEVE.]
And why does Miss B have X's for eyes? She's asleep, 'cause I walloped her in the head with a telescope.
- That was a wiffle ball bat.
- All right.
And I understand why I'm a lizard.
But why are you drawn so big? 'Cause that's how I feel when I'm with all my best friends.
None of these people are your friends.
- How come they're in the photo? - Because you drew them! - Because they're my best friends.
- You know, I'm positive there's a treasure trove of shame somewhere deep inside you, if I could just drill down through all the layers of stupidity.
No drills! When I go to the dentist, I have to be completely knocked out.
'Cause I've been known to bite fingies.
I'm shocked that you've been to the dentist.
Uh, technically it's a groomer in the back of a Petco.
You truly are an enigma.
You shouldn't say that word anymore.
This things totally blows.
Gina broke up with me.
I'm not sure you two were really dating per se - Thanks for clarifying that.
- Go ahead.
The point is, we're in a gym with girls, and they're wearing pajamas, and underneath their pajamas is their bodies, and we're wasting this opportunity.
I don't know, maybe we should just sit here and not chew on our genitals.
Who's suggesting that we chew on our genitals? - Nobody.
- What are you wearing, man? - You look like a lamp.
- It's a special necklace - to help me be a good boy.
- Argh! I just wanna hook up with a girl.
Whoa! You can't just hook up with a girl.
First, you gotta be nervous for like a year and then We should be playing one of those games, you know, where kids trick each other into hooking up [SIGHS.]
Like Spin the Bottle.
Or Shoots and Splatters.
What about Truth or Dare? I just shared something really embarrassing with Missy and it felt great.
I don't wanna play this game.
What if someone dares me to like get naked or streak or something? 'Cause you have a sexy little dicky and it's just for you.
- How about Smooch or Share? - What the hell is Smooch or Share? A fantastic game I just made up.
The rules of Smooch or Share are very simple.
When it's your turn, you choose Smooch or Share and then you spin the bottle.
Nick, did you just invent this game to kiss girls? Yeah, I have to assume that's why you invited the Jansen twins.
Would anybody like a piece of salty licorice? Look, guys, I invited the Jansen twins because they're new to the school, and yeah, they come from a more sexually progressive culture.
In the Netherlands, we play this game, but with Gouda.
- So you spin a wheel of cheese? - How do you know who it lands on? Well, we don't, so everybody gets a kiss and a slice of cheese, and this is what we call Kindergarten.
Now I'm interested.
Look, guys.
This game is about getting crazy, y'all.
Crazy, y'all.
Yes, yes, y'all.
I should have jumped on that.
- I'll play if Andrew's playing.
- Oh, enchanté.
- I'm in.
- I'm open to it.
Yeah, let's do this.
Okay, folks.
It's time to Smooch or Share, or Shake Your Booty.
- What's this third option? - Nothing.
I choose smooch.
Gouda, gouda! - Gouda, gouda! - Yes, no! No.
no! Me, me! Yes, yes.
Not Missy! We wanted one of those Chinese girls.
You think those girls are Chinese? Oh God, I'm sorry, are they Korean? Oh, Missy.
- Is that okay? - Well, I Don't look at him, it's the rules! And if you don't do it, we get to burn you with teacher coffee.
Uh Well, it is the rules.
- Okay.
- I consent.
Muah! - Wonderful, that was very appropriate.
- You are a gentleman, sir.
I choose share.
Hey, guys, I just want to say I'm having a blast and I also wanna make a mental note to recycle this bottle once we're finished.
When this sharpie dries out, we should flush a bunch of golf balls down the toilet.
- What's that picture? - I was the captain of the debate team.
What you doing with your face? - I'm smiling.
- Oh, yeah.
I miss that.
I smiled a lot more before you showed up.
Oh! Well, I'm so sorry.
I guess you don't want the present I got for you now.
- What is it? - It's a bucket of used golf balls, duh.
Argh! Honestly, when Nick and I hooked up, it was fun.
But then it just made me feel like, so shitty.
Touching boobs and rubbing fronts doesn't make you feel all shitty.
Mean jerks make you feel shitty, if there weren't any mean jerks, it'd be fine.
You know what? That's kind of a good point.
We should just like feed all the mean jerks into a wood chipper and then spread their body chunks all over the playground so kids don't get hurt because like, ultimately we're like very good samaritans.
Let's just cut off right before that last part.
Yeah, we'll just put them in a wood chipper, guys suck.
But what about girls, though? Devin looked me dead in the eye and called me a slut.
She let you look her in the eyes? Oh, my God! Lucky Lola.
Oh, Lola.
Devin is so mean to you.
No! - Why are you even friends with her? - 'Cause like, she said, like, she's like a beautiful speedboat and I'm like a lumpy barnacle that's stuck on her hull.
Oh, Lola.
You don't have to be Devin's Barnacle.
Oh, my God.
Are you proposing that I become like, your barnacle? - Oh, not exactly - 'Cause I'll like ruin your paint job, - but like, ultimately - Oh, we're hugging.
become very good company to you.
Well, Jay, I suppose if I had to let any magician butt fudge me, I guess it would be Teller, because he's small and he seems gentle.
Wrong answer! It's Chris Angel because his name sounds like anal.
Now, here's how it's done.
Come on.
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no, no! - And there it is.
- Shit.
You gotta kiss him.
- Argh! [ANDREW.]
But it's the rules.
Singe his skin with the teacher coffee.
I know how to play Smooch or Share, okay? But Matthew isn't even playing! No, I'll play, but there's no way Jay wants to seem gay by kissing a boy.
No, if I didn't want to kiss you it'd be because you'd hurt my feelings.
That's even gayer.
Fuck! Fine, I'll do it.
And when I win this game, you guys are going to smooch and share my asshole.
This kid is a goddamn prodigy.
I think he's his own Hormone Monster.
- Well, then.
- In your face, Matthew.
Whoa! Ah-ha! Jay, Jay.
Jay! Am I right? Here we go.
Jay, Jay [SIGHS.]
I really should be getting back to those children, but I can't leave until I'm finished with you.
- Why? - Well, once I begin a task I feel I must complete it before I can move on.
- Why? - It's just this need inside of me.
I crave order, you see.
I suppose that's why mommy called me Mr.
- Why? - I don't know why! She was the one who told me to organize the books and I organized them.
And then she made me feel strange about how I organized.
- Who? - Mommy! - Oh, you mean Mrs.
- No, I mean Well, yeah, I suppose so.
Though truth be told, she never married my father.
- What was he like? - Father He was a tune whistled by a Cape Town whore.
Oh, yeah.
Cape Town, over by the airport.
- No, South Africa! - Oh, South Africa over by the airport.
All right! - Danke.
- Kissing with you is like for me to kiss my uncle.
These girls are hot, but they smell like herring and dark bread.
Okay, I guess it's my turn and I pick share.
What? You got to kiss somebody else to get the dark bread taste out of your mouth.
- No, let's keep sharing, it feels good.
- A good call in the share.
Ooh! Ask him what's the naughtiest ickiest thing he's ever done.
All right, buddy.
What's the grossest thing you've ever done? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow.
Uh That's like asking a Beatle his favorite Beatles song.
Uh, there's so many.
- Okay, this one's good.
- Okay.
- You'll like this.
- Waiting.
- It's gross, but it's good.
- Great, that's the question.
- At your pool house - Sure.
Your parents are making lunch, I go to the bathroom, I see Leah's bathing suit there, right, so I get hard - and I start masturbating to it.
- What? And then Leah Leah walks in on me.
Bah, bah, bah! So you jerked off to my sister? Well, to her bathing suit, but yes, I guess it was she had been in it.
So I was imagining her.
Ew! We don't want to think of Leah that way, Andrew's bad.
- The hell, Andrew? - She's hot.
What are we supposed to do? But you can take it as a compliment.
- What's the compliment? - You do have the same bone structure.
So it's like you're jerking off to me? This dirty turtle jerked off in your house! - I bet he does it all the time! - What the fuck are you doing? Have you masturbated in my house before? No, never! When you're in the room unless you're sleeping.
Whoa! You jerk off next to him while he's asleep? He really is like Uncle Bram.
I wasn't thinking about you, okay? Jerk.
- I was looking at your cat clock.
- My cat clock? - My grandmother gave me that clock.
- I know.
- Oh, that also turned you on? - Looking at this in realistic way, all my thinking was pretty abstract.
You're like a compulsive masturbator.
I hate Andrew, I hate his spermy dick.
- He's jealous 'cause he can't jack it.
- Oh, yeah? Well, Nick, you're just jealous 'cause you couldn't jerk off if I paid you to.
He wants to pay the boy to masturbate.
Uncle Bram.
You're a gigantic jizz creep.
Well, you're a dickless little dwarf.
Guys, stop it.
- I hate you! - That's convenient, 'cause I hate you too! I'm outta here.
What kind of hormone monster are you, man? Making your kid feel bad for jacking off? That's against the Jizzocratic Oath.
Which you signed in blood and semen.
I remember, it looked like a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, and I ate the whole thing.
Yum, yum, yummy.
Great, thanks a lot, now I'm starving.
Where is it? I know it's here.
There! See? That's who I used to be.
A person interested in social justice, the kind of female warrior who empowered other women.
Wait, where are you going? To be that person again.
That's too vague.
Hold up.
You know what? What I'm gonna do is just follow you.
Oh, shit.
My golf balls! Dammit! Oh, yeah, I jerked off to your sister.
God, I thought people were gonna laugh and applaud.
What's wrong with me? Nick and I are never going to be friends again.
You know what I think? - Jay.
- What? I like Jay, he has pubes.
He seems to have sex with everything and he's got a subscription to Jean Shorts Weekly.
- Wait, what? - Jay is your new best friend.
The fuck? No, no.
Nick's my best friend.
He called you a gigantic jizz creep.
Well, maybe he's right, maybe I am.
- I mean, look at me.
- Hey, man, you look great.
Women are into soggy guys.
Says so right here in Soggy Guy Monthly.
- God, that magazine is really - Soggy.
Yeah, comes in a wet bag.
Andrew's right, I'm a dickless dwarf.
And I only said those terrible things to him because I feel bad about myself.
- But that's good! - Excuse me? You're supposed to feel that way.
- That's what the ghost says.
- The ghost? The floating guy with the Harry Potter accent.
Hold on, are you talking about the Shame Wizard? Oopsie doopsie.
I wasn't supposed to say anything.
No, no, no.
This isn't cute or funny.
What did he say to you? Ga, ga, gu, gu Stop it! Have you been working for the Shame Wizard? Ah! I'm in cahoots.
Didn't you want me to be in cahoots? No! No cahoots.
The Shame Wizard sucks, he makes you feel shitty.
You need to feel shitty, or else you'll do things you'll regret.
The only thing I regret is being mean to my best friend! What about messing things up with Gina? Yeah, and that's your fault too.
And what about when I made you call your dad a pussy? Yeah, all those things, you're a shitty Hormone Monster.
Wait, Nick! I'm not done listing all my failures.
Hey Gina, I just wanted to say I am Gina, like, doesn't wanna talk to you.
Yeah, look, I totally understand why you're upset with me.
It was never my intention to slut shame you, but that's not who I am and I'm really sorry.
Wow, you and Nick are a real pair.
What do you mean? Your whole friend group.
You can't just do something awful and then say you're sorry, and then just expect like, make up make outs.
- What? - If Gina's gonna make out with anybody it's going to be me.
So say goodbye to these, and while you're at it, say goodbye to these.
They're real and they're basically two different colors.
- Wait, why? - I sleep on my side in the tanning bed.
Jessi, I put some golf balls in this pillowcase.
We're going to turn Lola's organs into cottage cheese.
Okay, let's all calm down.
I'm just trying to keep sisterhood alive, you guys.
- Sisterhood? Are you kidding? - Yeah, you're basically Bill Cosby.
You tell all of us young black men to pull up our pants and then you like, rape everybody.
- No, wait - You like, snooze everyone down, and then you like, go to town.
I think Lola is saying that you're a total hypocrite.
Let's fuck them both up! No, stop it, they're right.
Even Lola's right.
I am Bill Cosby.
- Oh! - [SIGHS.]
Goddamn golf balls.
Then everybody at work said they weren't doing anything.
- Okay.
- But it was clear they were all - going bowling together.
- Wow.
- And how did that make you feel? - Abandoned.
- Abandan? - Sorry? Abandan? Are you trying to say "abandoned"? - Abandan.
- Yes.
- Abandan.
- Yes! Just like how my father "abandan" me.
- Adandan.
There, I got it, now I got it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um I just wanted to let you know that - you're my best friend.
- You're my best friend too.
Now I don't have to be best friends with Jay.
- Wait, what? - But Nick, why did we say all these terrible things to each other? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Tyler is driving me crazy.
No Maury was the driving force behind the holy a-jerk-off debacle, I don't even know if I like doing it standing up.
- Please, no details.
- My butt cramps.
- That sounds hard.
- There's a hard ball in the arch of my Just, please, okay? Tyler is in cahoots with this floating demon with a scar.
Wait a second.
The Shame Wizard? You know about the Shame Wizard too? I thought only I could see him! I thought only I could see him! We thought we were the only ones who saw him, but in the Netherlands we call him Father Shame.
- Oh, he's the worst.
- Shame Wizard? I've seen him.
I saw him too! What was that? Oh, when you were talking, I spiked a can of soda on the floor.
No, you imbecile! The children! I'm right behind you, best friend.
There's tiny Epcot Center's on the ground.
What are they doing here? [LAUGHS.]
Bye, Roo! - He comes out of the shadows.
- Yeah, he has like a British accent.
And his face is burned and he has fingernail knives.
I think that might be Freddy Krueger, Caleb, but, the rest of us we're all definitely seeing the same guy.
He told me I was a horny spaz.
He told me I should feel bad about my mom still wiping me, like yeah, right.
He told me I was a slut, in fact, all of you told me that I was a slut.
So he was right about at least one thing.
Oh, hi, you want me to kick your ass again? - [DOOR SLAMS OPEN.]
I hate you.
Dick in the wall.
You're a slut.
Nickie dickboy.
Filthy perv.
- He's back, oh, God! - [SHAME WIZARD.]
You're geriatric.
Horny spaz.
Your mother wipes you.
Oh, no! [JAY.]
Oh, fuck! No! Brighton! Don't listen to him, he's just trying to make us feel alone and terrible.
That's because you are alone and terrible.
I'm telling you the truth.
Unlike this perverted masturbator.
Oh, big wow.
I already told them about the masturbating and it was liberating, sir.
So, why don't you just leave us alone? You truly believe you'd be better off without me? - We know we'd be better off without you.
- [GASPS.]
And now, as my mom says when I'm not getting in the car fast enough, "Vamos your caboose, mister.
" - Yeah! - You suck! Freeze your piss like a popsicle and eat it! Yeah! If someone wants to chew on their genitals they should be allowed to make their own mistakes! See that? Nobody wants you around.
You You're just a room full of daddies trying to "adandan" me.
Well, you can't, because I "abandan" you.
- What? - I "abandan" you! Um - Did he just actually leave? - I think he did.
That means we're free, we can do whatever we want.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a world without shame, baby.
Wiggles, you're back! I missed you so much.
Let's dance, Missy.
- No.
- Oh.
Let's masturbate! [CHEERING.]
Make it faint, girl.
I'd let you wipe me.
Now people know.
Okay, so under here is coach Steve's office.
Now, this is a great place to jerk off when coach Steve gets himself stuck in the volleyball net.
Well, well, well, what are we up to here, bud? Hey, just giving a tour of all the places in the school where I've totally whacked it.
- You? - I'm showing up my sweet, little Dicky.
Hi, everybody! I'm Nick's pubic hair.
Y'all have a lovely school.
Nick, you have a small penis, but your confidence is so appealing.
Thank you, one of the Jansen Twins, and don't worry, ladies, someday it'll be totally average.
No shame! You know, back in the Teachers Lounge, that was actually my first kiss.
It was my first guy-kiss.
- What did you think? - Hey, man, a mouth's a mouth.
Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.
Why don't you make me? [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, it tickles.
You know what, Devin? I liked getting my boobs felt, and if that makes me a slut, well, then that's your problem.
Lola, quit humping your new boyfriend and kick her ass for me.
Devin! You like, full on broke my heart.
Bacio della morte, you fucking bitch.
- Lola.
- Unfriend.
- What - Unfollow.
- Do you think - Blocked.
- You're doing? - Unsubscribe.
From my makeup tutorials? I hate how you say "Hey, guys!" when you know I'm the only one watching your stupid makeup tutorials.
- Oh my God! - You should just say, "Hey, Lola".
And cat eyes are so over.
You don't know what you're saying right now.
Do you even read Teen Vogue? It's political now.
Oh, God! [GROANS.]
His dimpled eggs are really tricky.
- [CRASH.]
Pretty ponytail! [STEVE LAUGHING.]
Shake your booty, Missy! It's more of a scoop then a shake, but thanks! Come on, baby.
Don't you wanna join in? The Shame Wizard's gone.
I just wanna be left alone.
Oh, come on.
You want to take a tinkle on the principal's desk? Or take a tinkle on the vending machine? - No! - What? You don't have to go? Stop! You keep making me do shitty things.
I don't like who I am when I'm with you.
I see.
Maybe we should just take a break.
- Good.
Yes, go.
- All right, good.
- We still going to watch Riverdale or - Stop! Should I save it? 'Cause I'm like, three ahead.
Get out of my life! Well I guess I'll see you later, baby.
SDH created by: Arvind Vishwakarma
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