Big Mouth (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

The Department of Puberty

Jesus! Tyler! What the hell, man? I've been fired for working with the Shame Wizard! Well, yeah.
That makes perfect sense, you screwed up.
I know, but I really wanted to be there when you squinched your first load.
So hold on, wait, wait, wait.
If you're fired, who's gonna be my new Hormone Monster? Well, I'm not in charge of that.
Your puberty's just on hold until they figure it out.
- On hold? - I shouldn't even be here.
Stupid Tyler! - They're gonna be so mad at me.
- Who's gonna be mad? Give your mom's big naturals one last honk for me.
Smell her! What the ? Whoa.
Good morning, students.
I have 87 days until I retire and move in with my sister in Clearwater, Florida.
And we thank you, Principal Baron.
Okay, a lot of debauchery went down here during the lunar eclipse.
I mean, there was a goddamn fire in here.
And one of you mongrels shat right through the basketball hoop.
- Don't laugh.
This slam dunk dookie kid is sick! And by that he means the kid is medically unwell.
Yes, we are worried 'cause the turd kept its heat.
- Three days, it kept warm.
Come on, goddammit.
I'm still seeing a lot of smiling faces out there.
You think this is fucking funny? Look, if any of you have information about who started the fire, please, rat out your fellow students.
Spill your guts like that sick dookie kid did out on the basketball court.
Oh, Andrew, there you are.
You gotta come over to my house after school.
I have something crazy to show you.
Oh my God, you found Diane Lane's beach house on Google Maps? - What? Who? - Diane Lane.
Nick, do yourself a favor and see Unfaithful.
Yes, it's sexy, but it's got a real story and it is beautifully shot.
- You see, her lover has this loft - Andrew, just come over.
I'd love to, but I don't wanna see your sister.
It'll be so weird because of the whole Yeah, it'll be fine.
That Shame Wizard guy is gone, remember? Yeah, come on, I miss Nick's house.
They have DirecTV and name brand cookies.
- Yeah.
- And your dad's not there.
No, I know.
My house is a nightmare.
Okay, Nick, let's do it.
No more shame.
And why does your dad keep a bucket of power tools in the bathroom? So, how about that lunar eclipse? Yeah, pretty crazy.
Something really awoke inside of me.
Eyebrows, eyebrows.
Um, listen, I got to go.
My mom's making me do this thing.
Well, I got a thing, too.
It's a book about female sensuality called Ripples From the Inside Out.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah, it is good for me.
And so, it turns out, is the faucet of my bathtub.
Eyebrows, eyebrows.
Hey, Matthew.
- Hello, Jay.
Epic game of Smooch or Share, huh? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Especially when we continued the game later on when we were in private, but it was still part of the game and not real life.
Okay, I see you're dealing with us making out really well.
Is that what we did? Okay, I barely remember or think about it at all all the time.
It was a one-time thing.
See you at the Manhole in ten years.
Yeah, right! I'll see you at the Manhole in ten years! Oh, God.
What? Oh.
Wha ? Argh! Hey, Coach Steve, we got a few questions for you.
You got questions? For me? I feel terrible, I didn't get you anything.
Any idea who started the fire? 'Cause we're looking for this so-called "Arson Person.
" That's nothing.
That's a nothing nickname.
Okay, then, how about "the Pyro Maniac"? That's already a goddamn word! You know what's not a word: "cunther.
" So So this therapist is supposed to be very cool.
Just give her a chance.
- I don't wanna give her a chance.
- Yeah! You're not the boss of us, Shannon.
Just 'cause you're taller and you got a big-ass purse.
I'm not gonna talk about my private life with some random person I've never met before.
Well, maybe you should've thought of that before you decided to run away and shoplift and do drugs.
- She made a list? - I could keep going.
This cunther made a goddamn list! Well, if anyone needs a therapist, it's you, Mom.
Sweetheart, you don't have a choice.
You're going.
End of story.
No, no, no.
Hit her! Hit her while she's driving! Will you please stop it with the terrible ideas? Oh, God, I'm so tired of both of you! Jessi, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, what you doing, Lady Bird? Don't leave me alone with Shitshow Shannon! - Well, if it isn't Andrew Glouberman.
- Hi, sweetie.
Oh, we have missed you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, well, I got a job.
I'm working nights at the museum.
- Oh, the museum.
That sounds real.
- I mean, hi, Leah.
- Nice to see you again, Andrew.
And to be seen by you, a pleasure and a blessing.
It's always cool between us.
Okay, well, hang loose, dude.
Very smooth.
Okay, we'll be upstairs.
See y'all at dinner.
Have fun fucking, shitheads.
From the twisted mind of Judd Birch.
I love it.
Damn! Look at that fine Mediterranean ass.
Who are you? I'm Brad.
You're Jay, right? You look nice, bro.
So fit.
You exercise? I mean, I jump on the trampoline in my backyard.
Hell yeah, you do.
I bet you have the best body in your grade.
I don't know exact Wait, what do you want, Brad? What do you think I want, bro? I'm thirsty for that olive pecker.
Listen, as much as I'd love to dump a full load of tzatziki in you, I don't know that I should.
I have a girlfriend, Suzette.
Oh, I know that pillow.
So does every cake-boy at GNC.
Besides, I can keep a secret, bro.
My lips stay shut when I'm not sucking you off.
Oh, wow.
I mean, right, okay.
Very cool.
Are you insane? I'm not going in there.
Come on, Andrew.
They put my puberty on hold.
I know, that does sound bad.
I need a new Hormone Monster, and this time I want someone good.
Yeah, but you don't even know where this portal leads.
It's safe, okay? I tied a rope to a tennis ball, threw it in there, and when I pulled it back, it was totally fine.
This tennis ball is covered in pubes.
- Yeah, I guess that's weird.
- It is.
Like, whose pubes are they, right? Just shut up and do it already, pussies.
- Jessi? - What are you doing here? I came over to get away from my stupid mom, but then I overheard you dweebs talking about your portal, and I want in.
You want in? Did you not see the ball of pubes? Who even cares? Life sucks ass.
- Interesting take.
- Fuck it.
- No! - Argh! - Oh my God, I can't believe - Come on, Andrew.
Don't be a pussy! No, Nick, don't Have you both lost your minds? I'm not going in.
I'm not going to do it.
I'm not [SCREAMS.]
Well, my chapstick broke in my pocket, so these jeans, yeah, they're ruined.
What is this place? "Welcome to Human Resources.
We manage people.
" "Presented by Acura"? - What does that even mean? - Look! "The Department of Puberty.
" I bet that place is chock-full of Hormone Monsters.
- Let's go.
- Wait.
Are we even supposed to be here? Just try to blend in.
Be casual.
Yes, be casual.
Hang cool, everyone.
Be Andrew.
Oh my God.
Hey, check it out: Hormone Division, floor 13.
Come on.
- How you doing, Bob? - There you are.
- My mother-in-law's in town.
- Oof.
She said something so insulting.
- What'd she say? - She goes, "You couldn't get a kid a boner if you jerked him off yourself.
" Jesus.
Listen, she's right, but you know - She say it in front of your kids? - No, in front of me! - That's awful.
- There's my floor.
- Okay, see you later.
It's Maury at work.
He has a whole life.
Yeah, just got my pilot's license.
You gotta come up with me sometime, Lorraine.
All you need to do is bring your bikini.
- And money to pay for your trip.
What the ? Wow, Maury! Was that you flirting? - Blow it out your ass, Gavin.
Lorraine already did.
- She laughs at everything.
- You wanna chew on a door jamb.
All right, well, I gotta get back to work.
My dick don't quit.
I just got two 13-year-olds laid, on a school night no less.
I want him.
That's my guy.
He does seem confident.
New Jersey confident.
I'm gonna find his office and talk to him.
Wait here with Where did Jessi go? Hey, what the hell are you two doing here? Maury! Look, Nick made us come I'm taking you home right now.
Let's go, butt-fucks.
But we lost Jessi, she came here with us.
We can't go.
Shit, you kids are like dogs.
I need to put you on a leash.
- I am enamored with you, Lorraine.
- Tyler.
Of course that little shit left a portal open.
That's exactly why I need a new Hormone Monster.
Maybe you could introduce me to that guy Gavin? You want to work with that chode? It doesn't matter.
You don't have the time to talk to him anyway.
- Why not? - Humans can't stay in this world for longer than an hour.
If you do, it'll be Oh, fuck! Our dicks will age rapidly and fall off like a bunch of rotten nectarines? - Where do you come up with this shit? - [SOFTLY.]
I don't know.
Look, the point is, if you stay here, you will be developmentally stunted forever.
Either physically, like child weightlifters, or mentally, like my dear friend's son, Michael Jackson.
But I want to grow up.
I have big plans to be a regular man.
I'm going to go find Jessi.
Stay here.
Do not leave this office.
Capiche? You got it, Maury.
Capiche to the max! - I'm gonna go talk to Gavin.
- But we don't have time.
I can't be stuck halfway through puberty.
I don't wanna look like this for the rest of my life.
You mean like the assistant manager at a bowling alley? That's what I look like? - Yeah, you really do.
Holy shit, man! See? I told you I could do things Suzette couldn't.
I'm a dude.
I'm familiar with the equipment.
- Yeah - What is it, bro? I don't know.
Is it a weird coincidence that I made out with Matthew, and now you show up? I don't see the connection, man.
I just think it's so funny to suck dick.
Yeah, of course.
It's hilar Oh my God, Suzette! How could you? And with a couch cushion? You basically fucked a fart, Jay.
Suzette, I swear to God, all he did was suck me off.
And mostly as a joke.
It was Logan Paul-level hilarious.
Jay, look at you.
You're literally in a closet.
What the hell are you doing? I don't know! Everybody wants me! I'm very confused.
And hard again? [CHUCKLES.]
Let me get this straight.
While the students were engaging in all kinds of debaucherous depravity, you were busy.
Talking to the floating grandpa! - This is the "Shane Lizard"? - That's right.
And then it says here that you rolled away on golf balls.
Oh, it's not the first time.
I once made it to LaGuardia on marbles.
Okay, I've heard enough.
Steve, we're gonna have to let you go.
Okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
No, we're firing you.
Cool! Out of which cannon? Steve! You are fired.
Yeah, I'm fired up to meet Nick Cannon, baby.
ONE HOUR LATER Okay, I think I finally understand.
Because of what I did, you never want me to come back to this school of fish.
Close enough! I'll take it.
I guess these fish don't like soda! [LAUGHS.]
More for me.
Connie, since you took over as Jessi's number one, things have gone off the rails.
Okay? I put together a projection of what she'll look like if she continues on her current path.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, no! Her neck tat says "I love codeine"? We're doomed! What a waste of genetic potential! [HOWLING.]
It makes me want to throw my shit against the wall! Well, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to make my Jess-bear feel good.
Feeling good is not the only thing that's important.
We were supposed to be the next Elizabeth Warren! We need to make a change.
That's why we've been working - [DOOR OPENS.]
- with an outside consultant.
Oh, no.
This is Kitty.
She's from the Depression Division.
Not the Depression Kitty.
Hello, everyone.
It's so nice to be part of the team.
Oh, come on! Get your velvet Froot Loop out of my face! - [DOORKNOB CLICKS.]
- Uh, sir, you can't go [SHOUTS.]
Nick! [SOFTLY.]
You shouldn't be here.
You'll turn into a child weightlifter with veiny cock arms.
Hold on, you're Gavin's assistant? Can you get me a meeting with him? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, right.
A meeting with Gavin? You're funny, Nick.
- You should do comedy.
- You got to get me in there.
- You owe me.
- Oh, man.
Okay, I'll slip Gavin your headshot.
Did you take that while I was sleeping? Are you mad at Ty-Ty for snapping a picky of Nicky taking a snooze in his Underoos? Tyler, please just get me the meeting.
Wow, Maury's office.
"San Diego Bartending College, certificate of attendance.
" Now, what would Maury's password be? C-U-M, cum.
Yeah, okay, that worked.
"Andrew Glouberman.
Classic pervert.
Projected profession: manager at a bowling alley.
First girlfriend: Missy Forman-Greenwald.
" Yes, "Missy Forman-Greenwald: burgeoning horny spaz.
Projected profession: Ambassador to the Moon.
" [GASPS.]
"Still has a thing for Andrew Glouberman.
Well, I wonder if they'll have bowling alleys on the Moon.
Wait, was that ? Hey, I can't find Jessi Oh, shit.
Where the hell are they? These kids really are like dogs.
- Oh, Lorraine.
I'd like to cook you up in a spoon and mainline you.
It's time for a new approach.
We just want things to be easier.
Don't we? - Uh-huh.
- Yes.
I think so, too.
I'd like to take over as Jessi's number one.
What? No! We can't hand Jessi over to this pouty pussy! Connie, you had your [HOWLING.]
Let's not be rude.
Some of us just aren't cut out for this type of work.
Connie, I have a cousin in Body Odor.
He says they're hiring.
Oh, that's it.
I'm gonna piss in your lasagna, Garfield.
- [JESSI.]
Connie! Stop! Jessi! You can't be here! I I want to go with Kitty.
- What? No! - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Kitty's right.
I am so tired of fighting and feeling bad.
Oh, no! I can help you.
No, you just make things worse.
I've got it from here, love.
Jessi, have you ever laid on your side, facing away from the television - [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- listening to a Friends marathon? It's raining outside and you're wearing double socks.
Yeah, let's do that.
There you go, sugar plum.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm just so comfortable.
That's okay.
- Let go of everything.
Coach Steve? - Jay! - What are you doing? What is this? Oh, I got fired.
Did you not hear? - No.
- Yeah, I got fired big time.
- From the school? - Yeah, from the school.
Not from Nick Cannon, you know, so for all intensive porpoises, I'm pretty bummed.
Fuck, that sucks.
Yeah, it really does, man.
I need some advice.
Well, hit me, kiddo! Don't hit me! Well, last night I got a blowjob from a couch cushion.
So far, of course.
And now I feel weird about it, because, well, the cushion is a dude.
- Cool! - It is? I don't know.
Did you like it? Yeah, I guess I did.
He, like, said my name in, like, a really cool way.
How'd he do it? - "Jay.
" - I get it.
I mean, for someone to know your name? Woof.
- Yeah.
- Well, you know what I always say Let's go Mets! That's it? It's just that simple? Even if it's not, I can't offer you more.
- Thanks, Steve.
- Thank you, Jay.
Thanks for being my friend.
It's gonna be weird not to be Coach Steve anymore.
I guess now, I'm just Coach.
Gavin, this is Nick Yeah, I know who the fuck he is.
I've seen your cock.
- You have? - And there's potential there.
I'm gonna make it so big and thick, it's gonna be a problem.
I don't think he wants a problem cock.
Don't speak unless you have something to say.
Nick, you know the kid who basted Mary Kay Letourneau? Mine.
I think Nick might be a little young to remember - Tyler! - [THUD.]
Nick, what do you want, huh? - A thick neck? A nice high ass? - Huh? You want to pistol whip a dumb nun? I guess I'm more focused on just cuming for the first time.
Jesus Christ! - You haven't cum yet? - No.
Oh, man.
When I'm done with you You know when a car crashes into a fire hydrant? No, no, no.
You know when they power wash a sidewalk? No, no, no! You ever get mad at your mom on Thanksgiving, and smash a jar of mayo against the wall? Goodness, not Diane! Tyler! I'm gonna pull that horn out of your fucking head and finger fuck the hole.
All right, um, this has been amazing.
And so relaxing Now, to make it official, I'm going to superglue your dick to your stomach so you piss up your nose.
I'm kidding! You're so serious, Nick.
Whoa! Relax! I think you're scaring him.
Tyler, I move my heel, you die.
All right, sweet lips, I got your home address.
I'll show up whenever the fuck I want.
Oh my God, it's him.
Stan the man! How were the bright lights of Las Vegas, Nevada? I'm not telling you.
You'll just make me feel shitty.
Hey, Grace! Are we doing a cake for Linda's birthday? We did it two hours ago.
Oh, I didn't realize.
Yeah, 'cause I didn't need you telling me it was gonna go straight to my hips.
I like my ass and you can kiss it.
I wouldn't mind, for I am in love with you, Grace.
This feels so nice.
You want to drink some more soupy ice cream? Mmm.
Mmm, yeah.
That's right.
How 'bout another blanket? I should get up.
It's kind of weird to be in bed in the middle of the day.
No, it's not.
Oh, you're a little heavy.
I can't really move.
Hello, Andrew.
I thought we were rid of you.
No, you can't get rid of me.
That's why when you saw Leah, you still felt like a skeevy little Creep? Pervert? Masturbator? Yeah, I get it.
I jerk off quite a lot.
But why do you have to be such an asshole? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Perhaps I'm too harsh sometimes, but I only want you to be a better person.
- You do? - Of course.
I don't want you to grow up to be one of those men who wait six months for a customized sex doll.
Six months? That seems like a ridiculously long time.
Yeah, well, they have to get the eyes right.
That's not the point.
Look, I get it.
I want to be a good person too, I do.
I know you do.
You see, we're not so different, are we? - C'mere.
- Why, what you gonna do to me? - I'm gonna give you a hug.
- Oh.
Because you seem like you need a friend.
- This is nice, right? - It really is.
There you are.
Jesus Christ, you're the horniest kid I've ever met.
- No! We were just It wasn't - It doesn't matter.
We've got ten minutes to get you out of here.
But I do want the deets.
Goodbye, Andrew.
Goodbye I don't think I ever got your name.
You can call me Shane Lizard.
That's what my friends call me.
- You're friends with Coach Steve? - Isn't everybody? No.
I am drained.
Better than Brad, right? Well It's different.
I kind of like it with both of you.
That's bullshit.
If you say you like boy pillows and girl pillows, it means you really just like boy pillows.
No, I like you so much, Suzette.
In fact, I love you? Yeah, that sounds right.
I love you.
Then prove it.
Burn Brad.
- What? - If you love me, you'll light him on fire and throw him in the garbage.
But he's a good dude! And he's part of our couch.
Well, what's it gonna be, Jay? Him or me? You can't have both.
Ah, fuck! So Gavin's pretty great, huh? I don't know.
He's really intense.
Can I tell you a secret? When you're not around, Gavin's actually pretty mean to me.
Look what he did.
Is that a lit cigarette in your butt? He calls it his "ass tray.
" My God.
He's like the Suge Knight of Hormone Monsters.
Believe it or not, I think I'd rather have you.
Oh, Nicky, that's so nice, but I'm pretty sure you don't have a choice.
Tyler! Get in here! How the fuck do I minimize Safari? Sorry, Nick.
I got to go.
Ow, ee, aye, oh, ewe! And sometimes Y! Nick, we're running out of time.
- We need to find Jessi now.
- But she could be anywhere.
I think I know someone who could help.
Connie, there you are.
- Boys, this is Jessi's Hormone Monstress.
- Hello.
- Ms.
- Hey.
We have to get these kids out.
Do you know where Jessi is? It's too late, Maury.
They took my boo-boo to the Depression Ward! Depression Ward? Jessi's depressed? I knew it.
Looking back, I knew it.
- Then why didn't you say anything? - Oh, honey, it wasn't my place.
We still have time to get her out, but we need your help, Connie.
I'd just make things worse.
We can't leave Jessi here.
- What will we do? - [RICK.]
Yeah What are you gonna do? Rick! I thought you retired.
Yeah, but this place is great.
I get my big coffee, I do my Sudoku, eat some cake, can't miss Linda's birthday, baby! - [NICK.]
- Constance, do you remember - your horny swearsies? - Rick, honey.
- I can never understand you.
I think he's talking about the Jizz-ocratic Oath.
"I do solemnly swear to counsel, develop, and make horny the adolescents of the tri-state area now and forever.
" The keyword is "always.
" - I think he means "forever.
" - Rick, you're right! I sworesie! Now let's go help my Jessi! Watch this.
Look at that, that's awesome, baby.
- [NICK.]
Jessi! - Come on, baby, stop hiding! - [ANDREW.]
Where are you? - I can't see you but I can smell you.
Oh, God, there are a billion rooms in here! - [CONNIE.]
Jessi-bear! - [ANDREW.]
Where are you? What? - Nick? Andrew? - Shh.
You belong in here, with me.
Let me out! Wait, did you hear that? Someone help! I need help! - I'm in here - [ANDREW.]
It's her.
There's no doorknob.
How do we open this thing? Maury, you still got that laser dick? You kidding me? Of course I do.
Let me see.
Got the can opener dick, my Cool Ranch dick, my dick that looks like U2's The Edge, my dick with a dick, and here it is.
I got an idea.
Dance, pussy, dance! Oj! Little red dot! Gimme! Little red dot! Oh, where'd you ? No, stop! [BELLOWING.]
- Get back here.
Keep fighting, baby! Let go of me! Let her go, you kitty bitch! Let go! [YOWLING.]
Yeah! The men saved her! Ugh.
Oh, yes, we made it! Goddammit, pubes everywhere.
Am I the only one with pubes on them? You guys came looking for me.
Of course we did, Jessi, you're our friend.
Look, we didn't realize you were depressed.
And that's on us.
But also on you.
- Honey, you should have said something.
- Andrew.
No, it's fine.
I do need to figure some shit out.
Interrupting, but do I have any pubes on my back? Can one of you give me ride to train station? [JESSI.]
Mom, I'm sorry.
- You were right.
- Really? Wow.
What am I right about? I do need help.
I want to talk to that therapist.
Oh, Jessi, I'm so glad to hear that.
- [SIGHS.]
You're not a shitshow, Mom.
- Thank you.
You're not too short-neck bitch either.
And also, like, who knows if you and Cantor Dina scissor each other.
- What's scissoring? - You don't know? Scissoring, it's like what lesbians do to, like, get their vaginas to meet.
- It was a word I wasn't familiar with - Like two scissors You know what, sweetie, let's save this for therapy.
Okay, you can do this, Jay.
- What the fuck? - Jay! I couldn't help it.
She was irresistible.
She's still heavy with your musk, bro.
And if you want Brad, then I want him, too.
Why don't you join us? We want to suck the honey out of your baklava.
If everybody wants me, then they can have me! - [JAY.]
Oh, bro! - Jay! - [BRAD.]
Yes, bro.
Proud! I'm proud of Jay.
LUNA LANES BOWLING Well, hello, Ambassador Forman-Greenwald.
Well, well, well! Bowling Alley Manager Glouberman.
I'm so glad you found out I was still into you and completely over Nathan Fillion.
Sir, if you need me, I'll be flinging shit out of the window by hand, because that's the way we do it here on the Moon.
You're goddamn right, you loser.
So, what do you think, Andrew? Shall we hump a lot? All right, my friend.
Let's grip it and rip it.
No, no, no, I don't want to do this now.
But you found out Missy's still into you.
Pump your stump.
Actually, I don't think I'm going to jerk off inches from my best friend's face tonight.
I am better than that.
- You gonna go to the bathroom? - In the middle of the night.
- Good call.
- I'm gonna run the water.
Goodnight, sweet perv.
Who's there? Tyler? Oh, shit.
Gavin? Hello, my tasty little tortellini.
Connie? What are you doing here? I'm your new Hormone Monster.
What? That's not possible, I'm a boy.
Not for long.
- I'm here to make you a man.
- I'm listening.
Baby, you are in very good hands.
I am? Yeah.
Your own.
Oh my God, this is happening! Not how I Imagined it or even wanted it at all, but Oh, this feels really good.
That's right, sweet lips.
You're gonna be president of cum-edy! [GROANING.]
SDH created by: Arvind Vishwakarma
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