Big Mouth (2017) s03e08 Episode Script


Everyone, listen up.
Listen up, guys! Guys, hold on one second, I just wanna thank you guys all for coming.
And thank you to my dawg, Charles Lu, for throwing the best bachelor party a 13-year-old child could ask for.
- Dude.
- Man of few words.
Man of one word, to be exact.
Devon, quick question, is this wedding for real? Like, do you actually think you're gonna be with Devin for, like, the rest of your life? Well, yeah, she's the hottest girl in seventh grade, - and that'll never change.
- Uh, peace and love, Devon, but I do think Gina might be the hottest girl in the grade.
Listen, listen.
Gina's hot, sure, she's probably my number two.
All right, bachelor party talk, the bach boys.
Now this is interesting.
Let's all rank our top three.
Yes! Top three guys and girls.
- What? - What? No, just girls.
Girls are for fucking.
Guys are for, you know, like, hugging? Okay, top three girls, but in what category? - 'Cause if we're talkin' boobs - Ooh, we always are.
Well, then, Gina's my gal, but if we're talking cutest metallic smile - We always aren't.
- then Missy wins the day.
Ooh, rankin' the girls makes us feel powerful, like a Buzzfeed freelancer.
This is gonna be fun.
Nothing bad could come of this.
Ooh, guys, my special surprise has arrived.
Devon, I got you a motherfuckin' stripper! Jay, Jay, Jay Why is nobody cheering with me? The fuck? She told me she was a dancer.
Uhhh Oh, boy, I get it now.
Jesus, Jay, she's a child.
Well, what do you want, some saggy-ass 20-year-old? Sweetheart, how old are you? Oh, my God.
That's all of her fingers, Jay, she's eight.
I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Ooh, look at Devin's hair, the shine, the swing factor.
Oh, yeah, she is number one for hair.
I'd like to cut it off and stick it down my pants.
Ooh Andrew, and I can deal with this if the answer is yes, are you the Ponytail Killer? Okay, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to our new student, Ali.
She just transferred from Our Lady in the Water.
Ooh, oversized funky glasses.
- She's makin' the eyewear list.
- I bet she's into foreign films, like 500 Days of Summer.
Ali, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Okay, um, I play soccer, I'm a Ravenclaw, and not to make all you normies shit your Old Navy undies, but I am pansexual.
- [BOTH.]
Holy shit.
Robert Durst, killed 'em all, of course.
Okay, Aiden says she got kicked out of their school because she made out with a nun.
Uh, hi, Nick Birch, Gryffindor.
The pansexual thing sounds intriguing.
Could you speak to that some more? I'm not sure I'm ready to unravel all of this in my classroom Pansexual means I'm into boys, girls, and everyone in between.
I thought that was bisexual? No, bisexuality is so binary.
It's pronounced bonery.
- Mmm, not so sure about that.
- You know, like when I see those ads for real estate couples on benches, it makes me real bonery in my pants.
Ugh, no.
Being pansexual means my sexual preference isn't limited by gender identity.
And gender is, like, male or female, right, and it's a choice, no? Uh, how do people talk these days? Oh, my God, okay, it's, like, some of you borings like tacos and some of you like burritos, and if you're bisexual, you like tacos and burritos.
Oh, my God, I'm fucking hungry now.
But I'm saying I like tacos and burritos, and I could be into a taco that was born a burrito, sure, okay, or a burrito that's transitioning into a taco, comprende? - Okay.
- And honey, anything else on the fucking menu.
I was really just looking for a quick, curse-free intro here.
I gotta update my list.
Ali is muy interesante.
Pardon me, dummies, but what list are you referring to? We made lists of the hottest girls at Devon's bachelor party.
Ugh, come on.
It was a bachelor party, NBD, no big deal, boys will be boys.
- There was a child stripper.
- Ew.
So, one thing cool about Ali is, uh, she likes guys and girls.
Yeah, she's double horny.
Ali's just cool, you know, there's just something, like, cool about her, I don't know [MUMBLES.]
I don't know what it is, she's just cool.
Cool, cool, cool, okay.
So you guys think it's cool that she's into, uh, girls and guys? - A hundred percent.
- Fuck, yeah.
- Yes, hell, yes.
Why is that so hot? I'll give you two words.
Three somes.
I see, two girls and me.
Yeah, I know just how that would go down.
Hey, Andrew.
I invited my friend, Leah's Friend, over to join us.
The one from the Instagram post at the beach? Yeah, where you zoomed in on her boobs, but you didn't even look at her face.
You can tell when I zoom? - Yeah, but we liked it.
- Mm, mm, mm.
Is it okay if we French kiss in front of you? Leah, Leah's Friend, that sounds mighty fine.
Oh, yeah.
Lick her blank face.
Do you wanna join us? I thought you'd never ask.
Aah! Oh, no, holding Already out, it's already out.
Do you think they came too? Andrew, I really, really do.
So, Andrew tell me more about these fun lists you guys made at the bachelor party? Oh, they're not fun.
There's so many variables.
Like, what's most important? A hefty bosom or a perfectly centered belly button? Yeah.
Oh, it does sound hard.
White men, the hardest time.
Tell me about the other guys' lists.
Oh, uh, I don't think that's my place.
The boy's weak.
Use your wiles.
You know, Andrew, I bet if you named names, you'd get some real, um, currency with the girls, you know.
- No, no, I can't betray my - You could be a real ally to all the women in our grade, you know, - like, a sexy friend.
- Hand on arm List number one.
Nick Birch.
In order, Gina, - Mila-slash-Lotte and Devin.
- Ew.
Mila-slash-Lotte, really? Well, to be fair, he hasn't factored in Ali yet.
So, anyone's ball game.
What about you? So, like, am I on anyone's list? Don't care if I am or I'm not, just wanna know for the record.
- Nope, you didn't make anyone's.
- Mm.
- But that's a good thing, right? - Yeah.
'Cause these lists ain't woke, they're gross.
Yep, totally, bleugh.
- But you still wanna be on 'em.
- I know, why is that? - It's like Schindler's List.
- How so? You wish there didn't have to be a list, but if there's gonna be one, you wanna be on that motherfuckin' list.
The child wedding of the century has a new twist.
At Devon's bachelor party, the boys all made lists of the hottest girls in the grade, and the girls are fucking pissed.
These lists are so not cool, and I'm sick of the boys objectifying us.
Yeah, I feel like a dirty piece of meat.
Like a slab of prime rib that knows what's what.
I should be the only one on Devon's list, and it makes me feel like he is not mature enough to get child married.
Oh, I'm so screwed.
- Who fucking snitched? - Yeah! Who told Jessi this morning who then told Matthew who, let's change the subject, is doing some solid reporting.
Nick Birch has Mila-slash-Lotte in his number two spot.
- Oh, dear Lord.
- Two girls, one schmuck.
I am sorry, guys, that is messed up.
Eh, we understand, this is only the opinion of one small boy.
We are confident in our individualism.
I agree with the hot Janssen.
Hold the donkey, Lotte is the hot one? Yeah, Lump likey.
This is exactly the kind of thing that could tear our grade asunder.
Missy, I want you to know - I would never make a list like that.
- [SIGHS.]
How will the girls respond? Let's turn to the new girl, with a final thought.
You know, I I thought this school was so basic, but a weird kid wedding, rankings, and you get to swear on an in-school TV show This place is fucking awesome, you cocksucking pussy lickers! Welcome to Devin's bachelorette party.
- Wow, Mila, you look - Like a sexy Lego woman.
Love the bangs.
Just, you know, trying something different.
Yeah, okay, bitch.
You guys, it's time to play Pin the Lenny on the Kravitz.
- I'm sorry, what? - Devin, you get to go first, but don't lick it, it just tastes like paper.
How can I play a game? I'm too upset about Devon's list.
If you're so pissed, why don't you make your own? Oh, my God, everyone, I just had the best idea.
What if we made our own lists ranking the boys? - Oh, my God, I'm so in.
- Fuck it, me too.
I just got Uma Thurman bangs, you guys.
It's not, like, a big deal, everyone.
You got bangs.
- Hey, Duke.
- Fifty Shades of Jay! What's up? Well, there's this new girl at school, and everyone thinks it's so cool that she likes boy holes - and girl holes.
- Uh-huh.
And I'm thinkin' maybe it's time for me to tell everyone that I'm bisexual.
Oh, I don't know, maybe you should keep it to yourself, like my dear friends The ghosts of Richard Pryor And Marlon Brando - Ho-ho-ho! - Holy shit, gotta love it.
They are full-on devouring each other.
I'm gonna give you a blow job you can't refuse.
Shit, motherfucker, goddamn, put some coke on it, then.
Richard! Richard! - Okay, I'm gonna send 'em back.
- No, no, no, no, no! Aww, come on.
But you know something? Watching 'em yin-yang each other's wing-wangs makes me think they might've liked to have done it openly while they were alive.
I wanna suck dick while I'm alive, like, at halftime, at a basketball game, while I'm sinking the shot to win a Kia Sorento.
Ha-ha! Me too.
I don't know who to put on my list.
The boys at school are so lame.
Ooh, you know who's not lame? - Who? - Judd.
Stop, he's Nick's brother and he's a legit maniac.
A maniac that turns your undies into a Slip 'N Slide.
- Ugh.
- I'm a little worried because the boys' lists made us feel bad and now we're doing the same thing.
Oh, shut up, Missy, we'll learn our lesson later.
I've got my list! Charles Lu, like a fart, silent but deadly, Mr.
Lizer - Ew, he's a teacher.
- Yeah, a hot teacher with an ass made for Lee jeans.
- Oh, wow.
- And, lastly but not leastly, - Nick Birch.
- Really? I like a little rascal I can bat around.
Okay, I'm ready too.
Mila Janssen, love the hair.
This is a comedy joke.
- Then, Matthew.
- Uh, Matthew's gay.
So what? He's obviously the hottest guy in the grade.
- Uh, it's true, you're right.
- And finally Lola.
Wait, what? What? Lola? You're into this mess? I know, there's just something about her.
She's like a sexy refrigerator, and I wanna know what's inside.
Cat medicine and a white onion, sweetheart.
- Okay, this is ridiculous.
Oh, my God, you guys, I almost forgot, because of my acne medication.
I got us a dank-ass stripper! - Oh.
- Lola, that is so inappro Eww! Coach Steve, you're not an erotic dancer.
What? No, the agency told me they wanted an aerobic hamster.
- Go on! Let me see that tail.
- Be careful.
- Drink from the water thingy.
How do I stop? Whoa! Now, show us your dick.
Breaking news.
The child wedding is on life support.
The reason? List fever, and it's contagious.
With me now is our statistician Caleb to break down the rankings.
What up, fam? It's your boy, Caleb, I'm reading cue cards.
The number one ranked boy is Devon and the number one girl is Ali.
Holy shit, the pansexual girl is number one? This is happening.
Let's chart Ali's meteoric rise to the top, and you can all follow along at home with our downloadable app.
I went to coding camp last summer.
- Whoa, Jessi, you low.
- [SIGHS.]
Quick, stuff your bra with bacon.
Boys love bacon.
No! Fuck that.
I don't even care what these losers think.
Oh, my God, I'm number seven.
And I'm number 14? Up is down, left is right! - How does it feel, you little prick? - Excuse me? I'm sorry.
Number seven went straight to my head.
You couldn't get laid in a fuck dungeon, you fourteen motherfucker.
I'm not even on Ali's list.
Oh, that's okay, Fourteen, you're third on Gina's.
Really? I guess I'm back in the mix with Gina.
You're also number three on Lola's list.
Yeah, this Gina situation's interesting.
Wait, babe, I can't I can't find you on the list.
- I'm number 13.
- What? You have to scroll down.
Hey, Lump, bro, uh, why didn't you put Devin on your list? - She just doesn't do it for me.
- What? What does that mean? - Sorry I'm not into your wife.
- Hey man, we're not married yet.
So, I see that Charles Lu is your number one.
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
He's a great athlete and he's super nice.
Nice? How can we know? He barely speaks.
What do you care, anyway? Ali's your number one.
So, you looked at my list? - Interesting.
- I might've glanced.
Well, you might be intrigued to see who's gonna be at the top of my list as soon as I get somewhere with Wi-Fi.
Is that so? That's right, I'm going to the Holiday Inn at lunch.
- Wow.
- And that means I'm walkin' on the highway, baby.
- I'm gonna be scared as shit.
- Okay.
And that's how the algorithm works.
Caleb, you have a beautiful mind.
Breaking news! Da-ra-da-da, da-da-ra-da da! I have a sick-ass announcement.
- Jay.
This is a closed set.
- I jack down to girls and boys.
I, Jay Bilzerian am bisexual! Here you go, Matthew, my new official fuck list.
- Uh, Ali.
- Mm-hm.
- Gina.
- Boobs.
And Charles Lu.
I'm sorry to throw everything into chaos, but everybody can start adjusting your lists now, because I wanna fuck everyone.
We have got to put a delay on these broadcasts.
Well, that was fun, that was good today.
I don't know if you heard any of what I just said, but, uh, pretty sweet I'm bi, huh? Oh, honey, you can just say you're a top, you don't have to say you're bi.
- What? - Hm, how do I say this? Usually, when a guy comes out as bi, he's just making a rest stop - on his way to Gay Town.
- Gay Town sounds fun, but I have thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.
- Biami is not a real place.
- See, Caleb gets it.
Hey, hey! So? - What? - What about my big news? Oh, that you're bi? Yeah, we just assumed that was a ploy for attention.
What? No way! Seriously, guys, I'm bisexual.
- Oh, okay.
- Good for you.
- Congratulations.
- More like conflatulations.
- Mazel-toot.
Yeah, we're, we're pretty uncomfortable with this.
No judgment, bi's bi's weird.
You guys suck.
When you heard that Ali was into guys and girls, you thought it was so cool.
Because in her case, it is.
I mean, Ali has very smooth, porcelain skin.
- She's number one on my skin list.
- Okay, easy, Hannibal Lecter.
I wish you could take skin off a person but they'd still be alive.
I guess what Andrew's trying to say is bisexuality just feels different for boys than girls.
Well, that's totally fucked! Yeah, man, you're right, it's a double standard.
But standing here with you half-naked, ah, I'm a little uncomfortable.
Uh, Andrew you just exposed your full dick.
- Oh, good Lord.
- So are you, like, into either of us? What? Eww, no, not you.
Maybe, Andrew, I don't know.
You'd rather hook up with him? Oh, Nick, you cannot catch a break.
I don't wanna hook up with either of you ass potatoes.
You're not even on my list.
My number one guy is Charles Lu.
- Sorry dude, I'm straight.
- Oh, now you have something to say.
You guys can all suck my dick, but not in the way I'd like! - How do you like it? - Like Like Like like everybody likes their dick sucked, with teeth.
Oh, this is impossible.
See, I like Devin's hair and Ali's glasses, but I like Gina's boobs and Lola's relentless front rubbing.
But but how can I make just one list? - Andrew, I've done it.
- Ah! Frightening.
- Done what? - Peegor! - Remove the cover.
- Yes, monster.
It's alive! It's alive! [BABBLING.]
What the hell is that? It's your perfect woman.
Good God, Maury, have you no respect for nature? Her face is tits.
Gina's tits.
- I've truly thought of everything.
Well, I hate it.
It's disgusting.
It's blasphemous.
But she's got all the parts you love.
Missy's smile, Diane's hands, and her vagina, it's Leah's butt.
- I also gave her two cup holders.
Ooh, look, she's really taken to Peegor.
Oh, Jesus Christ, fuck.
No! Peegor! I mourn you.
But, truthfully, he was not a very good assistant.
Just write stuff down, you know? [SIGHS.]
I can't believe I'm ranked so low.
You're below Lola Skumpy? This is bullshit.
Wait, what the hell? Gina took me off her list completely? What the fuck is goin' on? - It's these goddamn lists.
- Damn right.
- They're making everybody feel shitty.
- Darn tootin'.
Why don't any of the boys like me? How come none of the girls like me? I don't get it, you're great.
I think so.
I mean I got charm and wit I'm all funny and shit But I guess that's not enough I got brains and sass Comin' out of my ass But I can only act so tough I thought the nice guy got The girl in the end Who'd have guessed all the movies lie? I must have traded my heart For funny and smart Now I'm all alone till I die So tell me why, why does nobody get How great I am? I got it all goin' on But the world doesn't seem to understand In this endless sea Of chumps and fools Well, they oughta be crown' me the king of cool So why, why, why does nobody get it? Someday, babies, the clouds will part The world will take notice And your life will start Your talent will shine Your dick will grow You'll be the belle of the ball And the star of the show Someday - Someday? Who cares? - How does that help me now? Why, why does nobody get - How great I am? - Why does nobody get it? Why? [CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS.]
Here we are at Nick's house, Lola, and it's a beautiful day for two minors in major love.
But this fairy-tale wedding may be turning into a nightmare.
I hope.
And speaking of drama, here come the Janssen twins, who are on the outs.
You stolen my hairstyle, you copy cow.
And here comes Ali, the official hottest girl in our grade.
Hey, Ali, I saved you a seat, it's right here.
Hey, guys, I said it.
I wouldn't sit on your face if I had hemorrhoids - and your nose was a suppository.
- What? What are you talking about? Must be nice to be Ali, everybody's on her dick.
Forget all these dumb middle-school boys.
Why don't you go talk to a high-school man? Whew.
Hey, Judd.
- Hey, Nick's friend Jessi.
- What's the haps, Mr.
, uh Mr.
Guy? - Hm.
- Quick, Jessi, say more stuff.
I won't be ignored, I am a dangerous lady.
- See you later.
- What? Why are you being so weird? - I'm not being weird.
- Ow.
No one saw that.
Fuck you.
Mmm, Judd smelled like wood chips and cigarettes.
Hmm, I wanna eat his T-shirt.
Oh, shit.
What is that thing doing here? - Oh, she loves you, Andrew.
- No, no, down, down.
Oh, and she's got Lola's zest for humping.
Down! Make it stop, Maury.
"It"? She's got a name, you know.
And it's Krewkie.
- Krewkie! - Yeah, the name doesn't help.
Either that or she wants Krewkie, I don't know.
Hey, man, everybody's, uh, kind of waiting on you.
Dude, I am freaking the fuck out.
I don't know if I can go through with this.
Well, that makes a huge amount of sense considering you're a child, right? I'm the number one boy in the grade.
And Devin is number 13? Not swag.
Oh, that's what's troubling you.
Bro, what am I missing with this girl? Okay, well, Devin Devin's kind of, uh Come on, Nick, just be real with me.
Kind of a a bitch.
What? Everyone knows she's a bitch? - Total B.
- I thought only I knew.
- You know too? Wait, what? - Oh, my God.
And we're back, it's 20 minutes past call time and still no sign of the groom.
Lola, what's the scoop? - Oh, my God, that's bullshit.
If you don't give me another pig in a blanket, you're gonna be a raccoon in a coffin.
Okay, she's terrifying.
Let's check in with my plus one.
- Aiden, how do I look on camera? - You look hot.
- Oh, thank you, Aiden.
- You're the Oprah to my Gayle.
I don't like Aiden.
- Hey.
- You got a lot of nerve showing up here after you come to our school and ruin everything with your pansexuality and your smooth skin and your sexy glasses, and I wasn't even on your list! Whoa, okay! I mean, you're hot, but - What the fuck? - What, I thought you were pansexual? That doesn't mean I wanna kiss everybody, you sociopath.
Uh-oh, folks, we've got a runaway groom.
Devon, wait, look.
If you don't wanna get married because you're a child, then that makes perfect sense.
Or because Devin's a total bitch, sure.
But if you don't wanna get married just because of these stupid, bullshit lists, then that's crazy, because because it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.
Why do you want to marry Devin? She said if we got married, she'd give me a hand job.
See, there you go! - That's beautiful.
- I said maybe.
Damn, girl, you look amazing in that wedding dress.
You're goddamn right I do.
Devin, let's you and me get child married.
- Maury, aww.
- I'm sorry, I I always cry at hand jobs.
We are gathered here today because no adult has stopped us and because love truly conquers all.
Ooh, uh [BABBLES.]
You may now tongue the bride.
I don't think she's ever gonna give him a hand job.
Hey, have you seen Devin's sister? She is so wasted.
Hey, what are you guys going after [HICCUPS.]
after this? I say let's do karaoke.
Maury, please, get rid of this thing.
Why? She's gorgeous, simply glamorous, and she came from your mind.
I know, but I don't think I should be looking at girls that way.
They're people, not a collection of parts.
Down, girl.
And if I can't see that, well, then, maybe I'm the monster.
Wow, Andrew, that's really beautiful.
All right, I'm gonna stick my nose dick in Krewkie's front butt if, of course, you'll have me, Krewkie? Krewkie! Front butt? Is that technically anal? You know what? I want no part of this.
- Shit, is Gina with Charles Lu now? - [SIGHS.]
I guess you don't have to say much if you got rock-hard butt cheeks.
Missy, there's a reason I didn't make a list.
There is? Yes.
Because you'd be the only one on it.
- Oh, gosh.
- May I kiss your cheek? You'd better.
Hey, Judder Butter, what's meltin'? - What are you talkin' about? - Um, I was just wondering, um So dumb, but if you might, um, fancy a dancey, or Oh, Jessi.
I don't dance with kids.
I am not a kid, for your information.
I am 60 years old.
I remember when Moses was president.
Okay, well, fuck.
Ugh, why do I like guys that I can't have? I'll grow out of that, right? Weeeelll Hey, um, it's cool you came out.
Is it? 'Cause everybody's being super weird, and some people don't even believe I'm bi.
- Oh, that's lame.
- It'd be so much easier if I was a girl.
Are you kidding? Do you have any idea why I left my old school? Ooh, I know this! I heard you finger blasted a nun in the b-hole.
- Um.
- Up top, girl.
- No.
- Yas, queen! - That's not it.
- Am I allowed to say that now? - I told my best friend I liked her.
- Oh.
And she called me a lesbo and made everyone stop talking to me.
Dude, that sucks.
I mean, no matter what, coming out is hard and you should be proud.
Look, I'm pretty good at reading people, and I think what you're saying is you wanna squeeze my dong so hard that I shit myself.
Or we could just dance? Okay.
Great compromise! Be honest, if I wasn't smuggling a ham under my dress, would you still be dancing with me? [CHATTERS.]
Oh, my God, that's, like, actually very sweet.
We have found jealousy in each other's hairs.
And now, look at us, we dance at a child's wedding.
We are truly becoming of Americans.
And soon we will feast on the childrens.
Mmm, feel the muscle tearing away from their bones.
- Yes, exactly.
- As they shriek.
Until we bite off their lips.
I love you, sister.
Hey, at least we have each other, right? - This old gang.
- Yeah, we're - ¿Amigos? - We're great.
Nick, Andrew, and Jessi, virgins until college.
- Fuck me.
- Sophomore year.
This is for all the lonely people Thinkin' that life has passed them by Don't give up until you Drink from the silver cup And ride that highway in the sky This is for all the single people Thinkin' that love has left them dry Don't give up until you Drink from the silver cup You never know until you try Haha.
Good At Bizness.
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.

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