Big Mouth (2017) s03e09 Episode Script

The ASSes

1 [CHAINS RATTLING.]
Oh, yeah, you're in deep dookie now, Kemosabe.
So why don't you just come clean and tell us the whole story? Um, okay.
And really paint a picture.
Do all the voices.
[JAY.]
I'm Nick's Dad.
I might be gay.
[JAY.]
And I'm the hot mom.
I love Jay like a son and a lover.
You know what? Don't do the voices.
You're goddamn terrible at it.
Just tell us what happened.
Okay, well, at the end of every school year, we have this big three-day standardized test, the Academic Skills Survey.
Sure, the ASSes.
Now, that's a hard test.
Yeah, well, I tried to explain to Elliot and Diane that I don't take the ASSes.
What do you mean, you don't take the test? Principal Baron said I bring down the school's average, so I'm the child they're okay leaving behind.
Every year on test day, they send him to the zoo alone.
Oh, I'm not alone.
I hang out with the monkeys.
They love close-up magic and are very dear friends.
The school sends you to the zoo? Uh, hold on.
I have a note.
Where is it? Oh, it's in here somewhere.
Hang on.
Ugh.
Oh, I know.
- I bet it's in the wet section.
- [GASPING.]
- Jesus Christ.
- Jay, this backpack is a disaster.
No wonder you're struggling at school.
You're totally disorganized.
Guys, guys, it's okay.
Nobody cares about me.
No, Jay.
You're staying with us now, and we care.
Okay.
But the monkeys are gonna be disappointed.
[CHATTERING.]
One more sleep.
Then, the magic boy returns! [CHANTING.]
Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [SIGHS.]
God, I love this new recumbent bike.
It's so easy on my back and my knees.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, you've mentioned that.
Oh, and I just found out that Trader Joe's has a shower.
So if I get that job, I can bike the 20 miles there There's a shower at Trader Joe's? Well, it's a hose in the back, but yeah.
Ugh.
You're late.
Please tell me she did some practice exams for the ASSes tomorrow? - Mom, calm down.
- Uh I'm just excited for you to start this journey.
You could be the first female president.
- Wait.
We've never had a female president? - [SIGHS.]
Shannon's puttin' too much pressure on you.
You're still a kid.
You're not even usin' tampons yet.
Yeah, I don't wanna put anything, like, inside.
That diagram was scary.
Why's her leg up on the toilet? Jessi, if you ace this exa Sorry, when you ace this exam I thought for sure we had a woman president.
you'll get into all the honors classes.
I can totally picture a lady's hand on the Bible.
- Then Teen Jeopardy! - Ugh.
And then Yale.
Yay, New Haven! - [PURRING.]
- What was that? What? My mom mapping out my path to the White House? No, for a second I thought I saw that gloomy Depression Kitty.
Oh, shit.
I thought I got rid of my depression.
Oh, you know what it is? I'm thinking of House of Cards.
I don't miss you, Greg.
Hey, Andy, why don't you come to bed? Squirt, squirt.
Maury, I'm a little slammed right now, okay? I got this test tomorrow.
Sure, of course, but don't you want a little break? - Of course I want a break.
- Don't yell at me.
I am just stressed out, okay? My dad says if I blow the ASSes, I'm gonna end up a loser in Florida like my Uncle Skip.
Oh, snap, Andrew, you put another one of your dumb-ass babies up in my sloogie.
Why am I married to Vicky in this fantasy? The person I wanna have sex with is my cousin.
We ain't married neither, but you still gotta pay for this baby's red soda.
- And he's a guzzler, I can tell.
- [GROANS.]
Why did she call it a sloogie? I think that's the sound it makes? Dr.
Engel, I'm concerned about Jay's ability to focus.
Jay, honey, why don't you tell the doctor what a school day's like for you? Well, first, I'm always super late to homeroom.
Then I pick at my skin until it bleeds, at which point I start drumming relentlessly.
Once Miss Benitez kicks me out, that's around when I, quote, "lose time.
" [CHUCKLES EVILLY.]
I come to and it's assistant principal's office, principal's office, drink cups of stuff on a dare.
And then I usually stare out the window at a bird and I wonder, "What if I was that bird? Would my shit be white like the bird's shit or green and watery like mine?" Enough! I already wrote you a prescription for Adderall, and here's a sample.
You're clearly suffering from ADHD.
Well, do you think he needs therapy? [CHUCKLING.]
What? No, no! That's what the pills are for.
Therapy is when my wife wants me to waste one of my four days off because [SARCASTICALLY.]
"I always mock everything she says.
" Do I really have to listen to him? Sometimes medication can help.
You know, when I had Judd, I had postpartum depression Done.
I totally swallowed it.
Hah! Now what happens? - [SCREAMING AND HOWLING.]
- I wanna hump shit.
- Where's my wand? - I'm poking dog shit with it.
- [BARKING.]
- No, I wanna hump that dog shit! - [GROWLING.]
- [WHISTLES.]
All right, off the ground, maggots.
Line up.
I am your pill sergeant and this nonsense is over! Your new orders.
Jay is going to sit quietly on the ride to school.
[CACKLES.]
Yeah, right.
Oh, lookee here.
Someone thinks they're cool.
We've got a regular Andy Garcia on our hands.
Well, Garcia, let's see you mesmerize the movie-going public with my foot up your ass.
I'm sorry, I'll be quiet on the ride to school, I swear.
That's right! Jay's gonna listen.
He's gonna nod while Diane talks and, when appropriate, he will say, "Wow, amazing.
" Now, Leah, she was an easy baby.
- I put her in a drawer.
- Wow, amazing.
You smell that? [INHALES.]
Jay's finally calm.
[LAUGHS.]
I love the smell of Jay calm in the morning.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Ohh, my anxiety-based vertigo's kicking in.
Jessi, be a dear and press right in the meat between my thumb and forefinger.
Not now.
I'm gettin' in the zone.
- Oh, my mouth is so dry.
- Guys, it's gonna be fine.
Look, in the future, we're all gonna be either a Lyft driver or a billionaire.
I will not work for Uber.
No, because they picked up at the airport when the border You know, I forget, but I don't forgive.
Guess who? Missy, please, I'm doing ASS prep.
Oh, relax.
These standardized tests are so easy.
Maybe for you.
You're the smartest person in our grade.
Yeah, well, I'd be Pfft.
Ugh.
I guess.
If you're going by grade point average or literally any other metric.
Guys, you have to come see this.
- Jay's here early.
- Really? And it's not to change out the memory cards in all his toilet cams.
Uh, wait, what? Good morning, jerks.
- Jay, you're in your seat.
- Yeah.
And you remembered number two pencils? All of a sudden, I'm, like, horny for following instructions.
That Jay is not the real Jay.
That Jay is an impostor.
Or are we experiencing some sort of shared hallucination? If this was a shared hallucination, the animation style would be different.
Okay, settle down, people.
Now, today is a very important day that will affect the rest of your entire life.
My mom says if I do good, I can get my ears double-pierced, but at Home Depot because the girl at Claire's said my lobes were too tough for their fucking machine.
Well, it's official.
I know none of the answers.
- Are you stupid? - Um - No.
- Oh, shit.
You're gonna be a Lyft driver.
And sometimes you'll have to pick up people you know.
[GASPS.]
That's gonna be a strange dynamic.
Oh, no.
Uhh, I'm not breathing.
Okay, relax.
Just relax, Andrew.
Someone tried to get someone to relax last night, but he said he didn't wanna.
Maury, I love you, but not now.
I'm in the middle of this huge test.
What the Andrew, why are you even worried about this? You're at the very top of your class.
I'm not at the top of my class.
You make me spend every minute of school imagining girls I know soaked from the rain.
- Yum, yum! - Their umbrellas blew away.
But you're very smart, right? I mean, you've got those schmuck glasses.
I have these schmuck glasses 'cause I got shitty eyes.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit! Fuck you, it's D.
Fuck you, A.
Fuck you, another A.
[CHUCKLES.]
D, A, D.
- Fuck, I'm killin' this.
- You are shit hot, Andy Garcia.
Who knew one of our most treasured dramatic actors could also dance? Every single person who saw Mamma Mia 2 in theaters, sir.
Here you go, Mr.
Lizer.
I'm gonna go fart outside.
What the hell? Jay finished already? [DEPRESSION KITTY.]
And you're not even halfway done.
[GASPS.]
Why don't you just give up? Get out of here, Depression Kitty.
I need to concentrate.
On what? How you'll never live up to your mother's expectations? Let me get back to my test! [GRUNTING.]
- Let go.
- You're not going to Yale.
You're gonna end up sellin' leggings on Facebook.
- Mmm - Oh! - Get off.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- [KIDS GROANING.]
- Oh, shit.
I can't do two more days of this.
I'm gonna eat peanuts.
I crave the sweet and salty relief of death.
No, Allergy Kid! Don't do it.
They won't grade a dead boy's test.
Mr.
Lizer! Um, I just got a little distracted.
Could I possibly get some more time? Ugh Fuck you, Jessi.
- Excuse me? - Oh, uh I said it wouldn't be fair to the other kids.
Oh, I hope you wake up deaf and blind.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I completely blew that.
I filled out a lot of the bubbles halfway so they'd have to call me later.
Woohoo, tests rule! I'm like Young Sheldon, - if he fucked.
- [GROANS.]
- Hey, Nick, are you Rebecca? - What? I'm Coach Lyft Driver Cautionary Tale to Nick Steve now.
- Uh-huh.
- So, uh, what'd you do in school today? Well, we have these standardized tests and Oh, the tepee snake snakes.
Yeah, I did bad on those.
But it's okay, because I'm gonna be a billionaire when I grow up.
Ooh, Jesus Christ.
Hey, tree, are you Rebecca? [CICADAS CHIRPING.]
This might sound crazy, Duke, but I don't think I need to keep bringing this old spaghetti to school in my backpack.
You don't even have a free period to fuck it anymore.
Jay, what was goin' on with you today? You were, like, smart.
Oh, your mom took me to a doctor, but instead of delousing me like normal, ha-ha, he gave me Adderall.
Whoa.
Does it make you feel weird? Weird? Hah! It makes me feel like I have the best body in our grade, in my head.
Get with it, Nick.
I loved pep pills when I was alive.
There's no better way to write music at 4:00 a.
m.
while eatin' a 12-course meal on a train.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, maybe I could use one of those.
- No way, these are my genius pills.
- What do you want, Jay? Cold hard cash, a night with one of my pillows? Take the money, kid.
Then the pillows come to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You give me money for the Adderall? And then what? It's my money? - Jay's money? - Yeah.
I want to give you money in exchange for what you have.
Wow.
Am I a boy or a store? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[RATTLING.]
Ladies and gentlemen, who wants to be smarter than a fifth grader? - We're in seventh grade.
- [SIGHS.]
It's loser thinking like that, Jessi, - that makes you a fuckin' joke.
- Excuse me? You couldn't dazzle a tribe of monkeys with sleight of hand if your bullshit life depended on it.
Jay's right.
His Adderall's amazing.
When I squint, I can see through people's clothes.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, no.
Now, it'd be a crime to keep this miracle drug to myself, so I'm selling these pills for the low, low price of $20 each.
We don't need your drugs, Jay.
We're already smart.
You're basically trying to sell Randy Newman a bitingly satirical pop song.
I'm tempted, but addiction runs in my blood.
My Uncle Skip got hooked on motion sickness pills.
Soon one Dramamine became two, then wham, bam, thank you, Dram, he tried to marry his own boat.
Yeah, Jay, it's wrong, and we are not interested.
I want one.
Give me one.
Uh, hashtag metoo.
[HOWLS.]
Business wolf, sellin' pills! Wolf of Walgreens.
[HOWLS.]
Ha-ha.
Yeah, pills.
Ha-ha.
For my bungholio.
Ha-ha-ha.
[TICKING LOUDLY.]
Okay, FDR introduced the New Deal in 1933 for what reason? All right, okay, New Deal, New Deal, because the old deal wasn't working, right? Huh, the old deal fuckin' sucked.
Right, so he brought in the New Deal, a better deal.
Deal or No Deal, Howie Mandel.
[GASPS.]
Howie Man-deal.
- Oh, this is all gold.
- Here's the deal with Howie Mandeal.
I'm fuckin' hard right now.
Are you hard right now? I've never been less hard.
My dick's inside of my stomach.
I'm all balls.
Put that in.
Oh, my God.
Nick's already on the essay.
Maury, I need your help.
Well, well, well.
Look who's interested in Maury again.
Come on, I know I screwed up, baby.
I know it, but listen, when this test is over, I am gonna jerk off so much I will need one of those big Gatorade bottles with a handle - just to rehydrate.
- Uh-huh.
And then, when I'm done drinkin' it, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna fuck that bottle.
Will you put a warm sponge inside? The warmest sponge money can buy.
That actually sounds really nice.
- So will you help me? - Okay, fine.
- Here's what we know.
You're not smart.
- That's true.
- You have no Adderall.
- I do not.
[GASPS.]
You've gotta cheat.
- Copy the smart girl's answers.
- Oh, my God, you're brilliant.
And while you're at it, you can look down the front of her shirt.
All right, let's just focus on one thing at a time.
Maybe later you go to the bathroom, do a little self sucky-fucky.
Maury, you know I can't reach.
Not yet.
That's why every couple months, we must try.
Ah, yes, the monthly try.
By the end of the semester, you'll be eating your own ass.
They'll call you Armadillo Boy, and families will come from far and wide to watch you feast upon yourself.
Okay, yeah, back to the test.
Keep moving, Glaser.
Synonym for capricious.
- Mercurial, fickle, volatile.
- [HISSES.]
- [YOWLS.]
- Get out of here, you shitty kitty.
- Yeah, vanish, evacuate, fuck off.
- [YOWLS.]
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- Is it just me, or were there some curveballs in that test today? No, I think it's just you, Magoo.
That shit was a cakewalk.
And my toes, baby, - they're covered in frosting.
- What? Hey, Jay, I wanna buy more Adderall.
I'm in a race with these meth addicts about who can take a sink apart faster.
Hold on.
Are you guys all on study drugs? That's not fair.
Yeah, it's a major bummer, but I feel amazing.
And I just realized there's a better way to fold my T-shirts.
Sorry, bye.
- Not sorry.
Bye.
- [SIGHS.]
How are we supposed to compete when everyone else - has their thumb on the scales? - I know.
If I'm not the smartest person in our grade, then, well, who who the heck am I? I'll tell you who I am! Someone who has earned the respect of people with no teeth.
Jesus, this blog says Malala didn't get into Yale 'cause she didn't have enough extracurriculars.
- How do you get on blogs? - What? That's your fucking question? Well, I mean, are they different from websites? I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
Shred those shanks.
Please.
This was great for taking the test, but now I need to go to sleep.
My mind feels insane.
Sleep is for the weak, like Jimmy Smits who doesn't deserve to eat the shit out of Andy Garcia's smooth Cuban butt.
- What? - Now crank up that anxiety knob, because we're gonna start fixating on what broke up your parents' marriage in three, two, one go! [YELLS.]
Andrew, now that you're a big-time cheater Um, don't call me that, please.
the test is no longer an issue, right? I suppose, yeah.
So I was thinking maybe you can - stroke your dick until you come? - Oh! Look at you with the ideas.
- All right, any time now.
- Hm.
Is something wrong? I don't know what's goin' on.
It's just Completely soft.
Oh, God, is it me? Am I not sexy anymore? No, it's not you.
It's me.
I think I'm just worried about the cheating.
Oh, no.
You've got Cheater Peter.
- Cheater Peter? - It was a big problem for a dear friend.
I'm not gonna name names, but he's a famous cyclist, one testicle, first name Lance.
Oh, Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong.
Hey, game boy, time to turn off the Fortnite and turn on the good night.
I heard about Fortnite on NPR.
Nah, I'm good.
I'm gonna stay up.
Where did this Xbox come from? Uh, I bought it with cash, and it's kind of none of your goddamn business.
Jay, you've got more testing tomorrow.
- Turn the game off now.
- Oh! Fuck all these rules.
Leave me alone.
- Whoa, Wario, bring back Mario.
- Oh, I've had enough of this.
At my old house, there was only one rule, never touch Dad's diet root beer, and it was punishable by death.
Well, you're in our house now.
Oh, my God! You did not just do that.
- Oh, your house sucks! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
And you wanna know something else? Hot water is weird, and I don't know why you like it so much.
- Hello, Jay.
- Missy? What are you doing here? I've made a dark and difficult decision.
I'd like one large Adderall, please.
What? Why? You're, like, already smart.
Well, that's what I thought, but then everyone started doin' drugs, and now I feel like I'm being left behind.
Oh, yeah, I get that.
Like your family fumigated your house and went on vacation without you.
Uh, I don't really relate to that.
So you moved into a new house that's full of love, but really you just wanna live like a beaten pig.
I think we're going through two different things here.
I was really just hoping to buy a study drug from you.
Missy, I care too much about you as a friend, so I can't sell you a pill at full price.
Are you sure it's okay - I'm taking your medicine? - Ah-ah-ah-ah.
The transaction's over.
I'm not one of those drug dealers that wants to hang out afterwards.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- We're not gonna chill on the couch - and watch Amazon Prime together.
- Okay.
The number one streaming video service, Amazon Prime.
[SHANNON.]
Jessi, time to wake up.
- [PURRING.]
- [GROANS.]
I can't move.
Of course you can't.
You didn't get to sleep till four in the morning.
Jessi, last day of the big test.
I'm not going to school and I'm not taking the test.
I don't care about anything anymore.
- What? - That's right, honey child.
Jess, are you okay? Stay in bed until your sweatpants smell like an animal shelter.
[PURRS.]
Uh, hey, guys.
What what are you doing over there? Something dangerous and unsupervised, I bet.
Turning your insecurities into malice? The mailman's super allergic to bees, so we're filling the mailbox with bees, duh.
He thinks he's so cool 'cause the government buys him shorts.
Whoa, where'd you get that Xbox? Oh, I guess you guys haven't heard, huh? I got prescribed Adderall and now I'm selling them, so it's no big dealio.
Oh, fuck.
Like a store.
Exactly.
[JAY'S MOM.]
Boys, the pizza tracker says breakfast is almost ready.
We gotta go.
Hey, store, uh maybe I'll see you around.
Wait, how's Mom? I don't fuckin' know.
Old.
Yeah.
That sounds like Mom.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Whoa The magic boy lives.
Hold on.
I have to take this.
You wanna watch this targeted ad for machine washable rugs? Again? I don't know.
- My neck is starting to hurt.
- [KNOCKING.]
Jelly Bean, your mom says you're feeling a little blah this morning, kiddo.
Ugh, my brain is a tuna melt.
You know what always makes my brain feel a little better? - Moving my body - Yeah.
while goin' easy on my back and my knees.
I'm just overwhelmed by the test, Dad.
I know it feels like a big deal, but tests aren't everything.
Did you know Barbara Buatois hated school? Who's Barbara Buatois? Jessi! She set the world recumbent speed record in 2009.
- Ugh.
- She made a big impact on the sport.
- Okay.
- But no impact on her back and knees.
- Okay, okay, okay! - Now bike with me to school.
I promise you'll feel a little better.
Hey, Jessi, Eric Trump left a comment on a porn star's Instagram.
- Really? - Just the word "stunning.
" [SIGHS.]
- Wait, no.
- Aww.
Dad, I'm coming with you.
Nice.
I brought you a Propel, the only energy drink endorsed by - Barbara Buatois? - Barbara Buatois.
- Yeah, that's who.
- Okay.
I figured.
Last call for genius pills.
Give your brain a boner.
Hey, Jessi, you look stupid.
Want one? No.
I'm not doing that shit ever again.
Hey, Jay, I found hella change in my grandma's big cup.
Pill me, homie.
Hmm I can take my last pill and ace the test, or I can sell my last pill and have 20 bucks now.
Jay, don't sell your last pill.
You're the only person who actually needs this medication.
Hey, Jessi, I'm not a person.
I'm a store.
- What? - Exactly.
- Lump, here's your pill.
- If I was a store, I'd be a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.
Yeah, on the Jersey Turnpike.
- No shit, Lump.
- [CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
Okay, ladles and jellyspoons, let's demonstrate what we've learned over the course of the school year.
[SIGHS.]
Here we go.
It's show time, baby.
Ah, Nick, there you are.
I'm freakin' out.
I can't cheat anymore.
I got Cheater Peter.
Okay, so don't cheat.
You're right.
I won't cheat.
I'll just do drugs like everyone else.
Give me that pill.
- No, I need it.
- Give me that.
If you try to take it, I will cave your head in.
Fuck you, man, I'll kill you.
Give me that pill.
Come on.
[GRUNTING.]
No.
Uh, no! You idiot! - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- [BOTH.]
Oh, fuck.
[WHIMPERING.]
- Missy, are you okay? - I think so.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I'm very aware of my scalp.
Can you feel every one of your hairs individually? Okay, everyone, the test starts right now! Go! - [YELPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Biking to school made me feel a little better, - but I'm still stressed.
- Listen to me.
- Ow! - You are Jessi Fucking Glaser.
You are smart, you know who you are, and you can do this.
You're right.
Thank you.
Oh, what am I gonna do? I didn't get a pill.
I'm gonna fail.
- Ow! - Listen to me.
You are Nicholas Arsenio Birch.
You don't care about learning, and you sure as hell don't care about tests.
But what about my future? You are a charming little dude.
You're funny.
People like to be around you.
That's way better than bein' smart.
You're right.
Thank you.
Now answer C for everything and let's get the fuck out of here.
What if I was that bird? Whoo! Sick nest.
Do birds even sleep? And, like, what's up with my bird dick? Your dick is hard and made of chicken.
Come fuck your home, asshole.
Okay.
Fuck, yeah.
Uh! Take it.
Oh, shit.
I've got the best imagination in my grade.
[WHIMPERING.]
- [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Foreman-Greenwald! You are draggin' ass, and I just cleaned the carpet.
I can't think, everything's too loud.
Andy Garcia, ay, Papi.
If you can't survive a mosh pit full of Andy Garcias, - you're gonna fail this fuckin' test.
- Uh, uh! - You've just - Uh, uh! Oh, no, get away.
I don't know who you are.
You're not Alec Baldwin, - but I don't know who you are.
- Andy Garcia.
- [ALL.]
I'm Andy Garcia.
- I'm down here.
No.
Okay, I get it, but, like, are you my city councilman or something? [GROANS.]
- [GASPING.]
- Pencils down.
- Oh, dear God.
- And hands in the air.
- Oh, jeez.
- Riddle me this, joker me that.
Which one of you assholes am I gonna kill today? Ahem.
Not I, officer.
Oh, wow, Conan O'Brien.
We're huge fans of your comedy down at the station house.
You know, what Jay Leno did to you was a travesty over there on NBC back then over there.
It was me! I'm on illicit drugs, and now my eyeballs are poppin' out of my head.
Okay, eye poppy, Andy Garcia.
Case closed.
And I cheated and now my dick is as soft as a Livestrong bracelet.
My backpack is filled with miniature figurines of every student.
I took Ukrainian diet pills that made food look like spiders, but then I got a taste for spiders, so now when I walk by a dusty barn, I totally binge.
- I did it.
You're very welcome.
- I pick my grandma's nose and eat it.
All right, all right, that's enough, that's enough.
We're not here for any of you.
- We're here for the drug dealer.
- [GASPING.]
And we only brought one pair of the pediatric handcuffs.
Just so you know, I don't regret a thing, because following rules is gay and I'm bi.
Well, then, say good-bi to your friends.
You see what I did there, Mr.
O'Brien? Jay, wait, if you meet a guy in jail with iron teeth, tell him Lola's mom says, "What's up?" [CHUCKLES.]
Ugh.
Are you guys getting more divorced? Actually, your father was just explaining to me that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you.
- And your lower back.
- So you're okay if I don't get into Yale? Of course.
There's Brown, Columbia, Cornell but not Barnard.
- Those girls are not happy.
- Mom.
The point is, the children of Trader Joe's employees get free admission to the Fearless Flyer Academy.
- You got the job? - [CHUCKLES.]
I don't know.
What does this name tag say? It says "Grag.
" It Yeah, they already had a Greg.
Nicky's home! I have an H and a G and all that's missing is U.
- Ugh.
- H-U-G.
Hug.
So, how do you think the test went? Honestly, guys? - I think I aced it.
- Hold on.
You completely bombed that test.
Yeah, but they don't need to know that now, and like you said, what I got, they don't test for.
That's right, baby.
You got charm, charisma, - and dem dick-suckin' lips.
- What? Now go in that bathroom and do a little self sucky-fucky.
You mean, blow myself? I don't think I can.
- Well, it's important to try.
- Thanks, Connie.
Not on tests but on suckin' that dick.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Hey, Nicky, where's Jay? And that's what happened.
My, my, my, that's quite a story.
Hey, what's Conan O'Brien like in person? You were there for that part.
[SIGHS.]
I was so star-struck, I think I blacked out.
Yeah, yeah, he's Team Coco all the way.
Hey, Bilzerian, your lawyer's here.
Holy shit, you're my lawyer? You bet your dirty little dick I am.
And look at you, sellin' drugs, gettin' arrested.
It's givin' me a hard-on thinkin' about what a piece of shit you've become.
Aw, Dad, you just quoted your own law commercial.
That's right.
And guess what else? You're comin' home, Jay.
- You bailed me out? - Strangest thing.
Your bail was already paid.
- [JAY.]
By who? - [GUY.]
He was a short guy, hairy, smelled like bananas, big red balls and a ripped-up six-pack.
He was a monkey.
Hey, monkey, are you Rebecca? Are you Steve? That's my name.
[GRUNTING.]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, monkey.
I forgot to ask.
What do you do for a living? You need a phone charger? You want a tiny water that's been stuck in my trunk for three weeks? How about some gum? You want me to eavesdrop on a conversation you're having on the phone? How about a conversation you're having with the other person in the car? You want me to seem like I'm not listening and then weigh in on what you're talking about? You want a melted candy? Do you want to hear my life story? You wanna know how long I've been a Lyft driver for? You wanna watch me text and drive? You want me to take a weird route? You want me to make a left across traffic? How about I pull over here for ten minutes? How about me watching a TV show on my phone while I drive? Hey, you wanna listen to something? You wanna know what radio I listen to? You wanna know my political views? You want me to hear about your political views? What do you do for a living? - Fathouse.
- [LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]
Haha.
Good At Bizness.
- Chirp.
- [KAZOO PLAYS.]