Big Mouth (2017) s04e01 Episode Script

The New Me

Life is busy, heaven knows ♪
So many characters
So many shows ♪
Who can keep up with all the shit
That's on TV? ♪
So we've made this little snippet ♪
If you don't need it, honey
Skip it ♪
We're gonna sing a season three recap ♪
To bring you up to speed ♪
Okay, the first thing to tell you
In this song ♪
Is that I kissed Missy ♪
Which was wrong ♪
Then I guess I kind of dumped her
In the end ♪
And now everything's a bummer ♪
'Cause I've got to spend the summer ♪
Off at camp with my backstabbing
Former best friend ♪
It's our "Previously on Big Mouth"
Song ♪
So you'll know
What the hell's going on ♪
'Cause it's been quite a while
Since last year's shows ♪
I got Queer Eye'd ♪
I joined the cast ♪
I got sexually harassed ♪
We're recapping all of the stuff
You need to know ♪
The latest thing that's shitty
Is this fall I'm moving to the city ♪
I'm a heartbroken loner
But now I got Mona to wipe my tears away ♪
I came out as bi ♪
Yeah, I fuck pillows
Both girl and guy ♪
I kissed my boyfriend Aiden ♪
And now I'm hoping for ass play ♪
That's our "Previously on Big Mouth"
Song ♪
So now you're good to go ♪
Now off to summer camp to start anew ♪
I'd rather die ♪
I'm going too ♪
It's a brand-new season
of the Big Mouth show! ♪
Ooh ♪
Ow! Fucking mosquitoes.
Yeah, baby, sleepaway camp!
No parents, s'mores, and I'll bet
someone we know is gonna get Lyme disease.
Yeah, probably.
What's wrong? You don't wanna see
your friend get more and more tired?
No, I just been thinking
about what Andrew said this morning.
Oh, about how you're a bad person
and a piece of shit,
and he don't wanna be friends
with you no more?
Yeah, all those things.
I mean, is he right?
Nick Birch! The Westchester Molester.
Hey, Seth Goldberg,
the Butterball from Montreal.
Who is this person?
Dude, wait, check it out.
I found a duck egg. Feel how smooth it is.
Ew! Nasty!
But wait. But taste it.
They taste like regular eggs.
-I don't wanna taste your eggs!
-They taste like regular eggs!
I don't wanna taste your eggs!
Oh, shit, that's his nut.
This boy's delightful.
Yeah, that's Seth.
He's my camp best friend.
All right! Fuck Andrew.
I'm glad he's staying in Bridgeton.
Yeah, we've got Seth.
Oh, Nick, look, a mongoose is trying
to eat the duck egg.
Okay, that does not look like a mongoose.
-That just looks like a child's dick.
Welcome back, bitches.
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Woo! They put us in the bunk
with the cool city girls.
They got so many serums
and lotions and potions.
Yeah. Maybe I'll finally learn how
to pluck my--
Your nipple hairs?
I was gonna say eyebrows.
You noticed them?
The thing is, your nipple hairs are black,
but the rest of your hairs are red. Why?
Jessi, I heard you're moving to the city.
-Yes, you bitch.
-Hmm. Close, but bad.
We gotta get you Manhattan-ready.
Hey! New York,
up your nose with a hot dog.
Jessi, honey, you need to stop talking.
Okay, let's start with this sheet mask.
Oh, okay. What does, um
What does this do?
It's gonna raise your eyes.
Yes! Let's raise those eyes.
Um, hey, guys, this mask is starting
to burn a little bit
in a way that I'm not sure
if that's on purpose or
Oh, no. We put it on upside down.
- Oh, my God, you did?
- Oops. Your eyes are lower now.
-It's fine.
We'll just paint your eyebrows
really thick.
Maybe put a cigar in your mouth.
Oh, yeah, that's better.
Yo, Nick, check it out.
I brought Canadian Swedish fish
just for us.
It's smoky.
Yeah, that's
It's 'cause it's fish.
Hey, whose bed is this?
I think it's Gabe's.
No one's seen him yet.
Is he coming back to camp?
I haven't heard from him all year.
Last summer Gabe urinated
in my liquid soap.
Yeah, Milk, and it was fucking hilarious.
Shut the fuck up, Milk.
My dad's friend Bob Reedy
got me an iPod Shuffle.
-What are you talking about, Milk?
-I'm just saying it plays music.
Yeah, we fucking know!
Hello, boys. I'm your counselor, Harry.
I know my accent sounds fancy,
but I put my short shorts, black socks
and sandals on just like you,
with the help of two butlers.
Just kidding. I grew up poor.
That's why I'm working here
as a servant to children.
Hey, Harry. Welcome to the US.
The toilet's backed up, shit's coming out,
and none of us know how to clean it.
Can't wait. Cheers to that.
But first, I'm meant to introduce you
to a new camper.
I'm not new.
This is Natalie.
Hold on. Gabe?
-Hey, guys.
You see, kids, gender is like pasta.
No, it's not.
-There's many different shapes and sizes.
-You're making it worse.
Holy shit. What happened, Gabe?
Oh, God, coming here
was a terrible mistake.
Look at them. They hate you.
The camp clearly did not read
that detailed email from your mother.
Say something already!
Please call me Natalie now.
I wanted you guys to hear it from me
that I'm transgender.
I use she/her pronouns.
I'm sure you're all comfortable
with this, right?
One time my dad's friend Bob Reedy
opened a can of spaghetti,
but there were ravioli inside--
Shut the fuck up, Milk.
Now, I'm sure you all have questions,
And without consulting Natalie,
I'm simply gonna open up the floor
for a free-for-all,
like a session of Parliament.
I feel good about this.
Uh, are you gonna sleep here?
No, I'm staying in the girls' bunk.
Nice, nice.
So this is all a scam
so you can just watch,
-you know, girls change and stuff?
-Yep. You figured out my master plan.
Do you pee standing up or lying down?
The fuck? Do you pee lying down?
You know what, everyone?
I'm just gonna ask the thing
that we're all thinking but not asking.
-What does your crotch look like?
-That was my question.
-Thank you!
-I know. Someone had to.
Oh, God.
This is a disaster, but don't cry.
They'll think you're weak,
and they'll pounce.
My crotch looks like the back
of your mom's head
-while she's slurping me off.
-But what is my mom slurping off?
Please just tell us if you have a dick.
-Your buttocks remain the same, correct?
-Shut the fuck up, Milk!
Shut the fuck up, all of you.
Eat my fucking asshole!
Well, then, that went terribly,
but at least I've come out unscathed.
Now, I believe there's a clogged toilet
calling my name.
"Oh, Harry!"
I'm coming, toilet.
I know someone with a toilet.
It's my dad's friend--
Milk, don't say it.
- Bob Reedy.
- Shut the fuck up, Milk!
Hey, what gives, man? Ow!
All right. Now that school's asleep,
I'm lifeguard Coach Steve,
which is why my pepperoni nipples
are so cooked.
They're curling at the edges
and filled with oil!
I can't believe we're spending the summer
at a public pool.
Oh, come on. It's kitschy fun.
There's an old woman swimming laps
in a wedding gown and smoking.
I love it here. You should see if Aiden
needs any sunscreen on his dick and ass.
Maury, I said you could come to the pool
with us, but you gotta be cool.
I'll tell you what's not cool:
melanoma on your tuchus.
What's up, my fellow LGBTQ-ties?
Oh, my God. Is this Jay?
Well, well, well.
I see my reputation precedes me.
Matthew said you kissed him like you were
trying to push his tongue out a window.
Yeah. Hardest frencher in my grade.
Jay, the Devins are doing a chicken fight.
I need a partner,
and you look lonely and strong.
Lola, I have never felt more seen.
You guys are going down.
Oh! I'm already a winner.
I got my wife's goosh on my neck.
Devon, focus!
So, what do you think?
How are we gonna do this?
-I don't know.
-Me on you? You on me?
Underwater 69?
What? Obviously, I'm on top. I'm the girl.
I guess I just don't feel like
that's our best chance at winning.
-What do you mean?
-You'd make a pretty sturdy base.
What the fuck did you just say?
No offense!
You're just on my "Sturdy Under 30" list.
-Your body's a triangle,
and that is the strongest shape known
to man.
Lola, I think he's afraid
you're gonna drown him.
Listen, I just think if we wanna win,
you'd be a better bottom.
I think you'd be a better bottom
because of how bisexual you are.
I don't care if you're a girl!
I'll kill you right now!
You'll be the second person I've drowned!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No monkey business in the pool, okay?
Unless of course, you know,
you're a monkey and you're doing business.
Oh, thank you, Steve.
Congratulations on your banana deal.
Okay, Steve, I've got this.
You two, no fighting in the pool.
-He started it!
-Oh, yeah? Well, she farted shit!
- What the fuck?
- Gross!
That's it! You're both banned
for the whole summer.
-You busted my nose, you asshole!
-Fuck you, Jay! You ruined my summer!
Hey, hey, hey, I don't wanna hear
any more cursing from you two.
Unless, of course, you're U2 cursing.
-Well, shite, Steve. Thanks.
-This pool is fuckin' great.
Congratulations on your banana deal
with Apple.
Please don't make me spend the summer
with Nick.
We hate camp. It stinks like trees.
And the boy only likes to poop at home!
Marty, maybe we should just take him back.
And give in to my enemy?
Wait, I'm your enemy?
I thought your enemy was Citi Bike.
No! It's you.
And I've already paid this small,
insignificant man.
He's right, Andrew.
He has my check in his hot little hands.
You're staying.
Bye, sweetie. Don't try anything.
Wait! No! Don't leave me here! I'll put
the screens on the house with you!
I'll do anything.
I'll suck your dick.
Whoa, Andrew, you gotta talk to me
before you offer to blow your dad.
There's a form you have to fill out,
Hey, guys, this is Natalie.
She'll be in our bunk this summer.
She is trans, so, everybody,
just, uh, fucking be cool.
Hey, everyone.
Wait Gabe?
It's "Natalie," actually.
That is so cool.
Yaas, queen! Go off, girlboss!
Pussyhat slay!
-Hello, Natalie.
-Hey, Jessi.
Welcome to the bunk.
What in the hell, girl?
Do you hate Natalie because she's trans?
No! Of course not!
I hate Natalie because
last summer she called me "fire crotch,"
and the whole camp made fun
of my "burning bush."
Well, to me, Connie,
that sound like a compliment.
She saw God in your pussy.
This bunk is already way better.
The boys were such scrotes.
Scrotes? Ew. What is that?
What are you saying? Don't talk like that.
Oh, sorry. I apologize.
Now, that sounds like a girl.
So, tell me, what kind of girl
is this "Natalie"?
-Shh! Don't answer.
I see Hari Nef.
Fashion Week. Gucci.
I see snakes everywhere.
Oh, shit, do I get to keep this?
Ooh, I want that coat!
I get my eyes moved,
and she gets a $5,000 coat?
Nope. Snakes are phallic,
and that's offensive.
- We need something inclusive.
- Think Karlie Kloss.
Ooh, with dreadlocks, full geisha.
In a wheelchair.
Now, this feels offensive.
What if we just went classic?
Yes, thank you.
Caitlyn Jenner.
Silk bustier, MAGA hat, brave.
No! Stop it!
Stop dressing me up!
What's your problem?
You know what?
I'll just wear my own clothes.
No offense, and not to be a bitch,
but your current look is pretty butch.
Yeah, don't you wanna, like,
pass as a girl or whatever?
- Excuse me?
- No! Don't get mad at them.
Just agree with them now
and then think about this
for the rest of your life.
Aww, that poor girl.
Say something nice to her, fire crotch.
You know what? No.
She never said anything nice to me,
and karma's a bitch.
-Uh-oh. Your eyes are falling again.
Do you want the cigar? Or
Oh, fine.
Okay, deep breath to myself.
Look at that little shit,
cutting his spaghetti
with a fork and knife.
Twirl it with a spoon, you fucking child.
Okay, you can do this.
It won't be so bad, it won't be so bad
-Oh, Nick!
-What are you doing here?
Much like Johnny Depp in the shower,
I am here against my will.
I think it's best for everyone if the boys
keep their distance this summer.
I couldn't agree more.
But you can still bust open my biscuit
once in a while.
Mm. I love a country breakfast.
Wait a minute. You're Andrew Glouberman?
Well, that's what it says on every piece
of clothing I brought here.
Dude! You're school "me"!
I'm Seth Goldberg! Camp "you"!
Have a seat, man.
Milk, fuck off. Get lost.
It's actually time for my activity,
so in fact, you're doing me a favor.
-Oh, no, please. Uh, Milk, is it?
-It is.
I, uh
I think I'm just gonna head down
to the bunk and unpack my duffel bag.
-Andrew, I found that form you wanted.
-What form?
-For sucking your dad's dick.
-I don't wanna suck my dad's dick.
Well, then why did I bring
my notary pubic?
Uh, yeah,
just happy to get out of the house.
Not as many people sucking
their dad's dick around here these days.
Oh. It's, like, you.
Dismount. Kickstand.
What, are you, like, turning tricks
in the parking lot?
No, magicians do tricks, Lola,
we don't turn them.
I fuck for free.
So then, like,
what is the meaning of this?
Uh, I'm making a bomb
by pouring Baba Booey boner pills
into a Monster Energy drink.
Monster Energy drink!
Brings out the monster in you, baby!
What the hell? He got the job?
Yeah! What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna call my agent.
He said I was "in the mix."
Hey, yeah, this is Mo Beverley for Adam.
Yeah, I'll hold for a long time.
You know, if you really want that thing
to explode,
try adding a pinch
of my mom's Ukrainian diet pills.
Good call.
Here we go!
- Holy shit!
- Yes! Everything must break!
You little shits!
That flew right into my butt!
It's still on fire!
Run, Lola, run!
No, Jay! Jump in my basket, Jay.
My proctologist is never gonna believe
I didn't do this to myself.
Do you like my swim trunks?
They're "Michael Caine"
for Marks and Spencer.
Now let's make like a tea bag
and bob around in the water for a bit.
I can't believe Andrew showed up.
Is it still weird between you guys?
Yeah, it's kind of a bummer.
You fucking hate it, Nicky!
I honestly feel kinda bad for him.
I mean, I have Seth,
and he's got nobody here.
Fuck him! This is our camp.
Yeah, I'm kind of
going through a similar thing right now
-with Natalie--
-You're right, Andrew's not my problem.
-This was a good talk. Thanks, Jessi.
Yeah, cool, thanks. Great catching up.
Did you see me, Jessi? Going by?
When Nick was ignoring you?
I don't wanna go in.
The water looks cold and brown,
and I know the bottom's gonna be squeeshy!
Hey, we're twinsies!
Yeah, same UV shirt.
Yeah, my mom makes me wear these
‘cause she's afraid of, like, everything.
You know, my mom is terrified
of everything as well.
Well, to be fair,
my aunts died of melanoma.
What are the odds?
My aunt also died of skin cancer!
-The same aunt that got married this year?
Um, idiot, that was a lie I told
'cause I was addicted to porn.
I got addicted to porn this year too!
-It was pretty painful.
Andrew, this kid's likable. I like him.
Okay, let me ask you this.
What type of porn made you, you know,
messy the computer chair
in your family room?
Well, like, I started on stepmom stuff,
and then I found
this Russian webcam chick, Svetlana--
Svetlana! Oh, my gosh!
I bought her a mini-fridge.
No way! I bought her one of those
Green Egg barbecue smokers.
That's amazing!
They're bonding! This is bad.
Fuck you, water skis!
Look, guys, I think we can agree,
you're both pretty gross.
Well, if sending your cousin a picture
of your girthy hog is gross
then I am 26 times gross.
I also sent my cousin a dick pic.
Technically it was my aunt,
but she was one of those young aunts.
Oh, a young aunt.
Sounds like your grandma stayed fertile
for a long time.
Come on, Natalie, it's only been one day.
I just really wanna go home.
I really wanna go on Birthright,
but I'm not Jewish.
We both just have to be strong.
I tried being strong, and it did not work,
so please, just let me go.
-Oh. Natalie wants to go home?
-Good, I hope she does.
Jessica Cobain Glaser, this is not
the kind of woman you wanna be!
That girl needs a friend!
And so do I! To help me get out
of these water skis!
Oh, wow.
Those are really on there.
I have a wedding this weekend.
The bride will kill me
if I show up like this.
Also, I can't work Saturday.
It's so cool you get to watch those people
-do naked muay thai!
-How do you know they're doing muay thai?
- Muay!
- Thai!
Land. Stay.
And now something that's been, like,
bugging me for almost minutes.
Are you, like, alone all the time?
Basically. Except when my brothers drop by
and fart in my mouth.
Well, my mom only really comes home
to hide hand-gums for her boyfriends.
Well, sure, of course.
You gotta hide those hand-gums.
Jay, no offense, but your house is,
like, no joke,
like, amazing.
Oh, yeah!
It's so much better
than that gay public pool,
which by the way,
I'm allowed to say now because I'm bi.
I don't even get what that is for guys.
Is that, like, when the same actor
plays twins in a movie?
-Not at all.
-And, like, on that note,
-like, we should build our own pool!
I love that idea!
Let's build our own pool. Right here!
We could use my dad's grave scoopers.
Ugh! This one's still got lye on it.
Be careful.
Oh, my God, did your dad
Breaking Bad someone back here?
My dad Breaking Bads people all the time.
Pool. Pool.
I can't help but think
I'll be the one maintaining the pool.
-Good opening.
Are you here to tell me I'm butch
or ask me what my crotch looks like?
I just wanted to say coming back
to camp seems really hard.
Uh, yeah. I used to love it here.
Last summer,
the boys threw me a pizza party
when I pissed in Milk's liquid soap.
Ask her how those boys got pizza.
You give the counselor money,
and they go into town.
Okay! I've never been to sleepaway camp.
You may proceed with the scene.
So did you, like,
already know last summer?
-That I was a girl?
Kinda. I mean, this is gonna sound weird,
but when I started going through puberty,
it was like this monster showed up.
All right, buddy, we're gonna give you
broad, hairy shoulders
and a high fucking ass!
Oh! And you're gonna get more pussy
than a no-kill animal shelter.
No! Get away from me, you horny psycho!
I think maybe I'm gay.
Yeah, I did kinda think you were gay.
So did I. But then I sang this duet
with the ghost of Freddie Mercury--
Sure, as one does.
Be gay, totally gay ♪
And I realized
that didn't feel right either.
It was something more than that.
What's your fucking problem, kid?
I don't know. I just know I hate you
and what you're doing to my body.
Nobody likes puberty!
That's why they made the fucking show!
It was like I was vibrating
at this weird frequency all the time.
-Hey, I get it.
But then I found this forum
for trans kids.
And it was like, "That's who I am."
So I told my parents.
-Oh, God. Did they freak out?
-Sort of, yeah.
But then my mom started listening
to Lady Gaga, and sadly,
-that's what made her come around.
-Don't love, but go on.
I like that movie where her boyfriend
pissed his pants at the Grammys.
So we decided I should go
on hormone blockers
All right, let's get you some toe hair.
What the--?
Fuck you!
I was gonna make you such a man.
You were gonna have dry knees,
and the confidence to wear flip-flops
with long fucking nails.
And now you'll never write for Bill Maher!
And now I'm here, and the boys are dicks,
and the girls are also dicks,
-but, like--
-In a more decimating way?
Yes! What is up with that?
Listen, I know they're sociopaths,
but I'm not.
And if you leave, I'll be all alone.
But if you stayed,
we could suffer together
as, like, friendskis?
You wanna be friendskis with me?
I wish I didn't say it that way,
-but yeah.
Yep, I looked it up.
Bill Maher has, like, no female writers.
I guess you can get away with anything
if you're gorgeous.
Go fish, Drew-dog.
Don't mind if I do, Seth by Chocolate.
I'm sorry, I'll work on that.
They got cutesy nicknames?
Uh-oh. I don't like this.
Ah, it's okay. I'm not worried.
Seth will eventually see
that Andrew's a dork.
Hey, Seth Amphetamine,
can I show you something?
-Oh, yeah--
-Be honest.
What do you think of the bandanna?
Is it too, you know, David Foster Wallace?
I think it's a little more like
David Foster Fabulous!
Oh, no, you're right! They're bonding!
They're both dorks!
Andrew's gonna tell Seth
that I'm a bad guy.
-He's gonna tell him about Missy!
-Oh, shit!
Get in there! Be a little knife
and stab their conversation.
-Hey, guys. Um, I'm not a bad guy.
And by the way,
you guys look fucking ridiculous.
Like the Crips and the Bloods
hired teenage accountants.
What? What is your problem
this summer, dude?
This! This is my problem!
Your weird little friendship.
Your stupid bandanas.
Your circle jerks!
Hey! You need at least three people
for a proper circle jerk.
Otherwise, it's a double toss-off.
God, I love this kid.
Nick, you're kinda being an asshole.
-Yeah, dude.
-I'm not the asshole.
You guys are the assholes!
Seth was mine. You stole my Seth!
Dude, weird thing to say.
This summer fucking sucks!
Can't get my damn water skis off.
This was my camp!
You're not even supposed to be here.
Nick, Nick.
I think maybe you're just hungry.
Do you
Do you want a duck egg?
Shit! You got him with the duck egg!
He looked at your nut. This summer rules!
Fuck you! Fuck you both!
Yeah. Wah-wah!
Run away, you backstabbing bitch baby!
-Shut up, Maury, you fucking asshole!
That feels good.
Stick the other one in and pry me open.
I hate that you like this.
But it's the only way to get my skis off.
My proctologist is never gonna
believe I didn't do this to myself.
It was honestly cool
how those two skeletons we found
were hugging each other.
Yeah. You're, like, an amazing digger.
-You stupid turd!
-What the hell?
How many times do I have to tell you
I'm a girl?
We're not supposed to be strong
-and good at work.
We're supposed to be pretty and delicate,
like big old fake tits.
Hey, Jay, who's your new boyfriend?
Shut up! Lola's a girl.
She's pretty,
and she's not good at anything.
-Is that right?
I get it. You guys are digging us
a giant toilet. Thanks!
Hope we don't accidentally
piss on you.
Jay! Reverse Chicken 69!
Here we go!
Nobody pisses on Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy!
-Holy shit!
That was so hot.
You think that was hot?
You should taste my mouth.
I want you to protect the shit outta me.
Let's protect the shit out of each other.
Oh, my God, you french so hard.
I'm gonna push your tongue
out a fucking window.
All right, the trick here is,
the first cup of shit
we'll hide someplace
where the boys can easily find it.
I'm listening.
But the second cup
we're gonna hide up in the rafters.
Okay, you're amazing,
but can I just get some credit
for shitting in a cup
before you even told me what it was for?
Whoa, you shit in the cup?
I just picked up some raccoon poop
from the woods.
Oh, my God, what?
I'm just kidding, it's from my ass.
Andrew and Seth are assholes!
Ugh! Why are there so many fucking
mosquitoes? I can't breathe!
I'm fucking freaking out.
Oh, no! Are you having a panic attack?
What? Who said that?
Me! I did!
What the hell are you?
I'm Tito, the anxiety mosquito!
Anxiety mosquito?
- I'm sorry.
- Ow!
People hate it when I do that.
They hate it when I do everything.
But do I stop? No!
- Zing!
- Oh, fuck!
I'm so sorry, but I can't stop.
You killed me!
I get it. I'm the worst.
But so are you.
I know. Andrew hates me.
And so does Seth.
They're probably making fun
of you right now.
-You think so?
-Here's what they're definitely saying.
"Nick is a little whiny baby!"
"Let's jerk off on his pillow."
No, please stop saying this stuff!
You're gonna have the worst summer.
Everyone's gonna hate you.
Oh, shit, they are.
They're gonna know you're a selfish
little prick who has a little prick
that nobody wants to fuck.
You're gonna die a virgin. All alone!
As the world explodes
from global warming!
You dead, lonely little virgin!
I don't want to be a dead,
lonely little virgin.
Mosquito drink most anything ♪
Whatever's left
Mosquito scream ♪
I'll suck your blood
I'll suck your blood ♪
I'll suck your blood, suck your
Suck your, suck your blood ♪
Suck your blood
I'll suck your blood ♪
I'll suck your blood, suck your
Suck your, suck your blood ♪
Ahh! ♪
Mosquito sing, mosquito cry ♪
Mosquito live, Mosquito die ♪
Mosquito land on your neck ♪
Mosquito drink ♪
"Good at Bizness."
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