Big Mouth (2017) s04e02 Episode Script

1
What a day.
Oh, a sand dollar.
Whoa! What the hell?!
What? Where the fuck did
that wave come from?
Ah! My phone is in my pocket.
What? Why am I so soaked?
Did I wet the bed?
Mm, who cares? It's warm and womb-y.
-Oh, shit!
-Let's just go back to sleep.
It's blood!
Did you get killed in your sleep, dummy?
Actually, yes.
You know if you die in a dream,
you die in real life, Jessi.
That is not true.
That's what I read.
I think
I think I just got the hugest period ever!
Hey, Jessi. Hello and good morning!
What a day to be alive!
Oh, Jesus. What am I gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
-Rick, get the fuck outta here!
-But I wanna see what she gonna do.
Jessi? Holy shit, did you kill someone?
No, I just had a huge fat period.
That seems like a lot of blood.
It's way more than normal.
And it's also, like, chunky.
Oh, God.
Wow, I'm sorry. That's very visceral.
Yeah, it fucking is.
Visceral? What's visceral mean?
Rick. I told you, get the fuck outta here.
Is it too much period?
No, it's fine, it's totally normal.
It's my favorite time of the month. Whoo!
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Hey, I found another duck egg!
-Aww, man.
-I actually found two.
And they're in a nest. A hairy nest.
Hey, hey, hey!
No rat-tailing each other's
filthy wankers, you filthy wankers.
The boys' shower rules.
It's so interactive.
Get in there! Check out Seth's duck eggs.
I don't think Seth wants me
to look at his balls anymore.
Oh, Nick, that is the saddest thing
I ever heard.
Let's face it,
those nuts belong to Andrew now.
Ew, Milk, your dick is so weird!
I can see the veins in your balls.
During the Renaissance,
scrota such as mine
were considered a delicacy.
No one wants to eat
your weird dick, Milk.
I don't even think his dick's that weird.
The only thing that's worse than weird
-is small.
-What?
When they see your little rat nose,
they'll rip you apart.
Aww, shit, you got an anxito now?
They'll call you Little Dick Nickson.
"I am not a clit."
Or Can't Jack Dickolson.
"Wait till they get a chode of me."
Okay, that's enough! I get it.
Connie, I gotta get outta here.
I don't want everyone looking at my dick.
Don't listen to her, baby.
You gotta shower.
You got that sleep stank on ya.
I'm just trying to save him
from complete humiliation.
Think about it. They see your dick,
they make fun of you,
you have no friends,
you become the Unabomber,
and you write manifestos
like a small-dicked maniac.
Oh, shit, that all tracks.
Skipping one shower's
not gonna kill me, right?
Hey, Milk, Milk, lemonade
- Ew!
- around the corner, fudge is made!
I reached my limit with the boys' shower.
Missy, what's wrong?
You don't seem excited
to present your boarding pass.
-I'm fine.
-She's in anguish
because of all the fucking boys
in her year.
Bunch of pricks.
Hey, Firefly, I know we're flying Delta,
but you seem a little JetBlue.
Dad.
Did you just think of that,
or is that a famous joke?
Let's just get through this queue
so I can pop four Klonopin
and wake up in Ibiza.
Oh, we're going to Atlanta
to visit my dad's family,
so please don't be on drugs.
Sir, you need to take off your jacket.
This? This is a one-piece shirt-vest.
I'm not wearing anything underneath.
Oh, no, I accidentally left
my X-Acto knives in here.
-No problem, ma'am.
-I love to travel-craft.
-Happy carving.
-Thank you.
Oh, why is Dad always getting stopped
at the airport?
I think his electric personality
must set off all the machines.
-I guess so.
-That's bullshit!
She's hiding something from you.
Oh, my mom would never hide anything
from me.
She's my best friend.
Right, right, right, well,
there goes your other best friend.
So who gets to drink all the half-finished
Dasanis at the end of the day?
Excuse me, sir. You need to be in a bin.
Finally, I can poop in private.
Step onto your throne, my king.
Is that a makeshift Squatty Potty?
Yes, Your Anus. And here is your tome.
"Four Hundred and Fifty
Yiddish Animal Jokes."
-Written by Carl Reiner's sister?
-That's right.
Yes, please!
And now, I shall push
with my neck muscles.
-Oh, no.
-Someone's in here!
Blast it quick. Blast it hard!
Oh, no, Maury, it went back up.
-What do you mean "back up"?
-"Up." "In."
I was nervous,
and it got sucked right back into my guts.
It went back up. Remarkable.
Oh, it's you.
-It's you.
-How are you?
We hope very shitty,
you backstabbing little Missy kisser.
Hide your pain.
Don't give that friend-stealing
Nazi sympathizer the satisfaction.
I'm, uh I'm great.
I just took, like, five showers, so
-Well, I just shit to completion.
-Awesome.
Filled the bowl, then flushed it.
A little paper. Nothing to it.
Feels good to use facilities as intended.
It certainly does.
It most certainly does.
Hope you get athlete's foot
in your fat ass.
Yes, this is good.
Hold your feelings in, like your shit.
You're becoming a real man.
I'm very proud of you,
but I won't tell you that.
What are you gonna do with that?
I'm gonna wait until the middle of night,
and then I'll put it
at the very bottom of a trash can.
Wow. I was expecting something funny,
but, man, that's just sad.
Get changed for waterfront, girls.
-Let's go! Bathing suits.
-Um
I don't have to do swimming.
Didn't you read the detailed email
from my mom, you bald fuck?
The one that started "Dear Bald Fuck"?
Yes, I did.
You and your mom are both very mean.
That said, you don't have to go swimming.
Glaser, put on your bathing suit.
Sorry.
If I have to swim,
I'm gonna get eaten by a shark.
You are basically chum at this point.
Fuck, what am I gonna do?
What is she gonna do, baby?
Rick, get the hell out of here!
What about if we get a tampon up in there?
No! No way. I am not ready
to stick something up there.
-What if it gets lost and never comes out?
-Like Daniel Dave Lewis in an acting role!
Or what if it, like, breaks my hymen?
There will be blood!
Shout-out to my main man, Daniel Dave.
Nope, I'm not doing a tampon.
I can't. It's too scary.
Yoo-hoo! I have an idea.
You could just free-vag it,
like that lady who ran the marathon
and let the blood run down her legs.
She was fun!
- That sounds so bleak.
- Oh!
Clot. Excuse me.
Um, I can figure this out.
I can swim with pads. I'll just stack 'em.
You do you, girl.
And then just, like, tie 'em together
with floss. It's no big deal.
Maybe the floss will get
all the blood chunks out
of your pussy's teeth.
You know what?
I'll take it from here, thanks.
T to the H!
-T to the what?
-T-H in your face!
You know how it is.
I do know how it is.
Oink. Oink, oink.
Wait, Nick, Nick, Nick!
Um, I just have a question for you.
-Are you a TH?
-Um
-Take your time, think about it.
-They've got inside jokes!
Uh, what does "TH" stand for?
-"Terrible hemorrhoid"?
-Or maybe "teen hunk"?
Say something perfect!
Um, I think I am a TH?
He thinks he is.
"I think I'm a T--"
If you're not sure,
then you're definitely not a TH.
Isn't that right, TH?
-No way!
-Oink.
Oink, oink, oink!
Oh, no! You missed everything
when you didn't take a shower.
I told you you'd have no friends.
You're gonna be alone forever.
And when you die, no one will care.
No one? Not even my parents?
I'm glad he's gone. I never loved him.
I faked all our hugs.
But they felt so real.
T to the H!
Yeah, TH for life! Oink, oink.
TH makes me think of a top hat,
which is what I'm gonna wear
on the first day of school.
Shut up, Milk.
And on the second day of school,
I'm gonna wear a cape.
And then we landed at the airport.
And then we rented a car.
And then we drove here.
No fucking shit, Monica.
That's how you get places.
We drove on the parkway,
and then we parked on the driveway.
Whoa, Uncle Cyrus!
- Look who it is.
- My favorite fat vegetarian.
I know I am, but what are you?
Ooh. Yeah, and what are they?
They're my cousins, Lena and Quinta.
Hey, Missy.
Ooh, you got little titties growing in.
-Okay.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
These girls.
This is the fucking crew.
All right, show Missy
and her little titties her room.
-She's staying with you guys.
-Okay, Titties, let's go.
I don't want that to be my nickname
-for the entire trip.
-We gonna call her Titties.
-Darn it.
-Y'all crazy.
Yeah! Who needs Ibiza
when we've got Atlanta?
See if they know Donald Glover
so you can suck his nob.
Don't say "nob."
If you need to say it at all, say "penis."
This is America.
Oh.
-Please stop.
-But do I look like it?
Oh, what do you think?
No one's gonna notice, right?
That the airbag in your pussy went off?
It's possible.
Get outta here, you sexy freak of nature!
Go smell somebody else's menstruals.
All right, look at me.
one.
Period: zero.
Ew! Oh, my God! What is that?
No, no, no, no! My crotch boat!
Well, hold on,
maybe the children will be nice.
Who would wear a pad in the water?
Ew. Gross!
I don't wanna know
girls get their periods.
No farties, no poopies, no periods.
Keep it all in there!
Who even has a period that big,
am I right?
Yeah, mine's just like a Skittle
that falls out, and I just throw it away.
Oh, dear God, please disappear me
from this life.
Holy shit!
The lady pads are sucking up the lake.
Oh, for fuck's sake. What?
Everyone out! It's creating a vortex!
Everybody out of the water!
It's a big pad disaster!
Hey! It's the kids
who disappeared last year.
Mystery solved.
Whichever one of you menstruators
did this owes me a lake.
Hey, how's camp going for you?
-Absolutely terrible, you?
-Constant nightmare.
-Oh, perfect.
-Great.
I'm gonna go to archery
and shoot an arrow into my face.
Save some of that suicide for me.
Okay!
-Ugh! Ralph texted me again.
-I told you, men are trash.
Oh, wow,
that's a rather aggressive qualifier,
but I do agree that men are garbage.
You know what? Niggas ain't shit.
Whoa-ho-ho!
Okay. Oh, boy.
N-word alert.
-Girl, "n-word"?
-Man, that's some shit her mom taught her.
Yeah, she says you're never supposed
to say that word.
She can't say it 'cause she's
of the Caucasian persuasion.
-But you can.
-Oh, no, no.
I don't-- I definitely cannot.
-Yes, you can.
-I promise you,
it is not okay for me to say that word.
Besides, I don't believe
anyone should say it.
I was raised in a post-racial household.
That's fucking Monica.
Yeah, but you gotta blame
Uncle Cyrus' old siddity ass too.
Careful! I don't know
what "siddiddity" means,
but you're talking about my best friends,
and it doesn't seem positive.
-Missy.
-Uh-huh.
-Baby girl.
-Cool.
Your parents are straight-up dorks.
-What?
-Yes! That's what I said.
Man, they're corny as fuck.
And worst of all, they've been
depriving you of your own culture.
They have?
-Yes, have you ever had your hair braided?
-No.
Forced to watch a bootleg
of a Tyler Perry play?
I don't know.
Do you prefer sweet potato pie
or pumpkin pie?
-What's the difference?
-I'm gonna slap her in the face.
-Your parents haven't let you be Black.
-What?
Yeah! Now we're stirring the pot, baby.
But if you want us to help you
-Please!
-I do.
-Then all you have to do
-Yeah?
is say nig--
No, no, no. All I have to do
is say no to that word.
I'm just kidding. Let's go shopping.
-Yeah.
-Get you some new just everything.
-Let's get her some new everything.
-You need a whole new situation.
Yes! I nicked Cyrus's wallet.
His middle name is "Byrus"?
Cyrus Byrus?
Okay.
-There you go. That shouldn't fall off.
-Ooh. Smart.
So much thick, wonderful hair.
Look at them, they're so intimate.
And you're stuck with Milk.
Okay, Milk, as a volleyball partner,
you would not have been my first choice.
My dad's friend Bob Reedy
says there's no such thing as choice,
only destiny.
-Shut the fuck up, Milk.
-Okay.
-Let's beat these sons of bitches.
-Ha! Fat chance, denim pants.
Volleyball in jeans?
We doing a Top Gun kind of thing?
Oh, man, my hormone monster, Val Kilmer,
is gonna love this.
Face it, losers, you're gonna lose.
Service!
I got it. I got it! I don't have it.
Set!
Ooh!
Yay!
Oh, that was yours, Milk!
-Chest bump. Yeah!
-Yeah!
-Hey!
-I'm diving!
- Shit!
- You like spikes?
Oh! Milk!
-I throwed up.
-Ugh!
Come on, Seth, let's get outta here
before I throw up,
'cause when I see
other people throw up--
That's so weird, 'cause so do--
Hashtag Me Three.
Ew, gross!
Oh, God, he puked on you.
Now you smell as if Cheetos made wine.
Ow, my eye!
I'm sorry.
I throw up when I want to.
Quick facteroo:
in the UK, beach volleyball
is called Paddington Bear.
And now this.
Look at you, Titties,
those jeans are fire!
-Damn, cuz. Looking all grown up and shit.
-Oh, they do feel pretty snazzy,
I've gotta say.
Yes, you've got a body.
I do, don't I?
Permission to smack my own ass?
Granted!
Now you can finally get rid
of those wretched overalls.
Oh, wow, I
I didn't really think about that.
Oh, no. Don't leave me, Missy.
I'm your iconic look.
Oh, shut the fuck up, overalls.
You make her look like a baby farmer,
and you suck shite.
Oh, golly, why are you so mean?
Mona, please. Let me handle this.
Overalls, I wanna thank you
for all the good times.
Remember when you couldn't get
my clasps off at the bowling alley
and you ended up peeing in me?
You never made me feel bad about that,
even though you were soaked in my urine.
Oh, Missy, I'm scared.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Well, I'm scared too. But it's time.
I'm gonna donate you to Goodwill,
and you'll make some other kid
as happy as you've made me.
No! I'd rather die!
Just douse me in gas and light me on fire.
Overalls, don't say that.
It's okay. We're both gonna be okay.
Talking to your clothes?
That is some white-girl shit right there.
Girl, please, you did the exact same thing
with your blanket.
You know damn well his name was Bonky…
…and I will never forget him.
Okay, good, the coast is clear.
But you better shower quick.
Somebody could show up at any moment.
I know that. Shut up!
I just want you to be safe.
I'm trying to protect you.
Oh, man, I cannot wait to drink and drive.
-Oh, shit!
-You gotta get out of here!
I can't, I'm covered in dried puke. And
And really, how bad could it be?
TH, baby! Thick Hogsman.
"Thick Hogsman"?
I know I'm a Thick Hogsman.
What about you, Seth?
I don't know, is this a thick hog?
That is a husky
truffle sniffer, my friend.
Thick Hogsmen for life!
Thick Hogsman? That's what TH means.
Their penises are thick, hairy hogs,
and yours is a bald, little piglet.
Ah, Nick, it's not the size of the pig.
It's the flavor of the bacon.
That's what boys with tiny dicks say.
-Run, piggy, run!
-Ugh!
Hey, Nick, you want
some strawberry lemonade?
Ew! There's blood in your pee?
I got hit in the balls with a hockey puck.
It's fine. Everything's fine.
Look, I don't get why you just can't ask
for a tampon.
For some strange reason,
I don't want everyone picturing
-blood gushing out of my goosh.
-That's fair.
Plus if I ask for a tampon,
it'll connect me to the monster lake pad.
Yeah, look, it's still out there.
Oh, God.
Ooh, I think I found some cooter plugs
for your ginormous period.
-We're dainty.
-Your massive flow will surely drown us.
I don't wanna die.
Okay, these gals are not up for the job.
Ladies, we love you.
But we decided to go
in a different direction.
Fuck!
That skinny bitch has a big fat period.
-We'll pop your cherry, Jessi.
-What?
-We're gonna stretch your vag so far
-Ugh!
you'll have to gather it back up
to put on underwear.
-Uh
-The only way you're gonna get me out
is to tie my string
to the back of a fucking pickup truck.
They might not be for you,
but I am intrigued.
- Jessi, I think I found some.
- Salutations!
We're just right for you, mamacita.
And totally stoked
to be riding your crimson wave.
-Okay.
-They seem nice.
Let's put 'em in your vagina
so they can drink up your period.
Sweetie, who has been doing your hair?
-Oh, my mother.
-She got a white mama, yo.
- Uh-uh.
- What shampoo do you use?
Well, Tom's of Maine, of course.
Maine? Like the state?
No, like the toothpaste.
They make a six-in-one, so it's soap,
shampoo, a laundry detergent--
I feed it to my grandma to keep her sick
so I can take care of her.
And then everyone thinks I'm a saint.
Okay, okay.
What are we gonna do with her hair?
Yeah, what are you gonna do, baby?
Celeste, go back to sleep.
Okay.
Is that your grandma?
No, I keep my grandma much sicker.
Tom's of Maine. Keep your grandma sick.
I mean, are we straightening it? Braids?
-Twists? Sew-ins? What?
-Well, I like braids like Quinta's,
but practically speaking,
I don't think I have enough hair.
Oh, don't worry about that, baby girl.
We got plenty.
Oh, no,
I don't want somebody else's hair.
-What the hell do you think I have?
-So your hair is a liar?
-Oh, I'mma hit her for real this time.
-Ooh, you could shave your head like mine.
What is that? Stop doing that.
Mona, will you give me a ride
to the hair salon?
I gotta get my hair done.
Oh, Celeste, did you get fucked
too hard again?
You should see the other guy, honey.
Come on, baby. You gotta stop that blood.
I know! I know!
But how does this thing, like, even work?
Hey, I'm Mark.
I'm stoked. Let's get in there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mark, whoa, buy me dinner first.
Jessi, we've never done this before.
How about a practice run?
Okay, yeah, that's a good call.
So do I, like, pull it, or do I push it,
or just, like, stuff it?
-Whoa!
-Oh, shit. Oh, I'm so bad at this.
That's okay, I'm ready to get back up
and ride that crimson wave.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think
you belong to the floor now, Mark.
So it is to be. My journey complete.
Aww. Bye, Mark.
Okay, I think I finally understand
the mechanics.
Hey, I'm Mark.
Yes. Hi again.
- Oh, going in slanted.
- Not there.
A little to the right.
Whoa! Too low. That's the ol' butthole.
Okay, okay, okay. Is this right?
- I wish. He's only halfway in.
- Double down!
Oh, boy. Not good. Pull it out!
Everybody just shut up!
-Whoa!
-Aah! God, that was bad.
- It was too dry.
- Yeah, it stuck to the sides.
-Your goosh did not like that.
-Ugh. I certainly did not.
Okay, this is our last one.
All right, we got this.
Let's make it count.
-Hey, I'm Mark--
-Yep.
Oh, we're getting right into it.
Okay. I'm pushing,
and I think this is right. Did it work?
Mark, speak to us.
I'm in! And it's beautiful!
Oh, my God, you guys. I did it!
I'm a tampon user!
Congratulations on your menstruations,
Jessi!
- Good on you, Jess!
- Ooh-hoo-hoo! It tickles when he talks.
Ugh! I feel so gross from not showering.
Ugh. You smell like a fart farted.
Ew, what is that stink?
Ugh! It smells like sweet and sour
chicken parmesan?
Sometimes I smell Bob Reedy's watch band.
He's my dad's friend.
Milk, shut the fuck up!
We're trying to track this stench.
-Oh, no! They're gonna all know it's you.
-Aww.
It's Nick. The stench is Nick.
Nick is the stench.
Do you think we should say some--
The stench is Nick! Nick is the stench.
-Okay, you kinda took my thing.
-We came up with it together.
Oh, my God, you're right!
Nick, you smell like
if a puke took a shit.
You didn't take a shower
after I made sick on your chest?
And after I pissed blood on you?
I didn't get a chance to.
No, no, no, no, no.
This ain't a one-day stench,
this foul odor's been simmering.
Like a Like a rancid soup.
Yes. That's it!
That's the smell! It's soup!
Complex.
It's been reducing into layers of smell.
Hey, everyone! He's fucking Soup.
What's up, Soup?
- Soup! Soup
- That's not his name. It's "Soup."
I mean "Nick." Shit, they got me, Soup.
You were afraid they were gonna make fun
of your little dick,
but now they're making fun of your stench.
Matzo No-Ball Soup. Get it?
Hey, guys, what if you called me, um
Mr. Lasagna?
-Oh, my God! It's so hot.
-Yeah, hot like Soup!
Oh, Mr. Lasagna no likey.
Shut the fuck up, Soup!
And eat my dickhole.
I'm gonna fucking kill you, Soup!
Whoa, Milk burned the Soup!
Am I bullying right?
Milk! Milk! Milk!
Milk! Milk! Milk!
Ladies and gentleman,
the new and improved
Missy "Misdemeanor"
Foreman-Greenwald.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Or should I say, 'sup?
Actually, I think I will
actually just stay with
What's… ♪
-up?
-Whoa! Looking fly, Firefly.
- Corny.
- Missy, look at you!
Do you like it?
It's very different.
Just to be clear,
"different" is not a compliment.
What do you mean by "different"?
It's just all those braids
are so elaborate.
I I don't know how manageable they are.
-Oh!
-She did not just say "manageable."
Monica, ix-nay on the anageable-may.
What do you even know about my hair, Mom?
You've been washing it with toothpaste.
It's a six-in-one.
Well, it doesn't work on Black hair.
-Straight facts.
-Fucking right.
-That's tea, bitch.
-And you know what I'm tired of ix-naying?
-The ace-ray alk-tay.
-The what?
The race talk!
-Issy-may.
-Why they talking about Issa Rae?
You guys haven't taught me anything
about being Black.
I didn't even know the difference between
pumpkin pie and sweet potato pie, okay?
I like all pies.
There goes Uncle Cyrus
with that "All Pies Matter" bullshit.
You're Black, Dad! How come
everyone knows that except for you?
-Tell him, girl.
-Mm-hmm.
I know I'm Black.
-Then why don't you act like it?
-Thank you.
I act like myself.
Stop it, Missy!
He's perfect just the way he is.
And you!
-You
-Go in for the kill, Missy.
You better stop stealing our men!
-What?
-Oh, damn.
-Too far.
-No, I liked it.
- Missy, that's enough.
- I just--
Go to your room.
I just really wanted to show you
my new hair.
Oh, boy, did I need a shower.
I feel so much better.
And you smell better,
like a Bed, Bath and Body Works.
You're not gonna be Soup no more.
Hey, guys, just a heads-up.
You can call me Mr. Clean Lasagna now,
because I--
-Shut the fuck up, Soup!
-Hey, Soup got wet. We got some wet soup!
- Soup got wet!
- But I don't stink anymore.
You can scrub all you want, Nick,
you'll always be Soup.
Ow!
Soup! Soup! Soup!
Soup! Soup!
Issy-may, a little Abble-scray?
Talk normal, Dad. You're so corny.
I just don't know
what's gotten into her lately.
Oh, I'll tell you what's gotten
into her, baby.
Me.
Damn right!
Excuse me, ma'am. A ginger ale, please.
And keep 'em coming.
Hey, folks, we're encountering
some slight turbulence.
Seems an inconsiderate little girl
wore a pad into a lake,
and it's causing our instruments
to go a little bit haywire.
I don't think there's a pilot alive
who's been trained how to handle
something like this.
I can't believe I have to do this
every four hours,
every four weeks for the next 40 years.
But on the bright side,
all your underwear's gonna look like
two mice fucked to death.
Okay, out comes the old one
My journey complete.
In goes the new one.
-Hey, I'm Mark.
-Oh, hi, Mark.
Let's hang ten.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
You can do it, Jess. Be one with the wave.
Ho-ho! Here comes a ton of blood.
Oh, God.
Pop up, dude!
I'm doing it.
You are shredding,
and shedding your uterine lining.
I am beyond stoked.
- Whoo-hoo!
- We are red-crushing it!
Yeah!
It's that time, that time of the month
Well, I woke up early, and I got a hunch ♪
Gonna head on down to the beach today
Surf all my girl probs away ♪
'Cause all I wanna do is cry
Ask mother nature, "Why, why, why?" ♪
Listen to the Cramps on my stereo
Turn it up as loud as it will go ♪
Oh-oh! Surfin', surfin' the wave
All the girls are surfin' the wave ♪
Surfin' the crimson wave today ♪
Gonna call in sick to work
I don't care, my boss is a jerk ♪
Can't believe all the pain I'm in
Get me white wine and vicodin ♪
Surfin' the crimson wave today ♪
Fathouse.
- Chirp.
- "Good at Bizness."