Big Mouth (2017) s05e01 Episode Script

No Nut November

[belt unbuckles]
[Andrew] As far back as I can remember,
I always wanted to jerk off.
To me, where I grew up, see,
jerking off was better than sex,
which none of us had had
because we were kids, God damn it!
By Season 5, every character
was diddling their De Niro.
I'd whack off for two hours
till my dick was bright red.
Then I'd stop for 20 minutes
and start over again.
It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
My best friend,
Little Nicky Birch, he had it bad
for this redhead firecracker named Jessi.
Now, Jessi, she was busy rubbing her stub
to Little Nicky's big brother Judd,
which was her big secret, all right?
I only know about it
because I'm the narrator.
And then there was Missy.
She was worm-squirming
to God knows who, but she was doing it.
-And how could I forget Jay?
We called him Jay
because that was his name.
He used to be the best pillow fucker
in the tri-state area.
But Jay, he went and did the one thing
-no jerker-offer is ever supposed to do.
He fell in love.
And those are just some of the intimate
and very hurtful things that I'm thrilled
to reveal about Jay Bilzerian.
Now, swipe up for a video
of Jay taking a painful dump
and saying his shits are too sharp.
What the fuck, Lola?
Sending my sharp shit video around?
This war
with Lola is driving you crazy, Jay.
Want me to blow you
with an ice cube in my mouth?
Would that make you feel better?
Yeah, it would, Brad, but I gotta be
at school like half an hour ago, so…
I'll be quick, sweetie.
Now give baby his binky.
Oh, yeah!
-Goo-goo, ga-ga.
I got two hard teeth coming in.
-Both on the bottom.
-Yeah! That's what I deserve.
-[knock at door]
Shit! Mom, not now!
I'm getting blown in here!
[yells] What do you want?
[Lola's voice] Look down, ass clown.
What the fuck?
Well, well, well. If it isn't me, Pillola!
Pillow and Lola in one, motherfucker!
Get the fuck out of my head!
You're the one
who can't stop thinking about me.
You're, like, totally obsessed.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Get out of my brain!
We live in your head now.
We're never leaving.
Because we have squatter's rights!
[screaming] God damn it, Lola!
Ahh! Fuck!
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
I'm goin' through changes! ♪
I'm goin' through changes! ♪
Oh! ♪
In my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[school bell rings]
Hubba, hubba, who's the new girl?
Rick, that's Jessi,
she's one of my best friends.
Uh, your boner called,
it wants its phone back!
Hey, no. It's not like that.
Do you remember when I tried to kiss her?
-It almost ruined our friendship.
Okay, but you still want to eat her poon
with an ice cream spoon. [wags tongue]
-Hey! No!
You are my hormone monster
and you'll do what I say!
-Hey, stop that!
I'm sorry, but you made me do that.
I'll fucking kill you.
-Excuse me, what'd you say?
-Nothing, baby. Have fun in school!
-Andrew, just listen to me.
-Jay, you're talkin' like a maniac.
What's this called again?
No Nut November.
It's a challenge
for your mind and your dick.
Wait… It's called "No Nut November"?
-Yeah! You don't come the entire month.
Everybody's doing it.
Chris Pratt, Anthony Mackie,
the dad from Father of the Bride…
-Guy Fieri…
I mean, everybody! We should do it too!
-Should we?
-Yes, please!
I need something
to distract me from shit-ass Lola!
But, Jay, it sounds awful.
[chuckles] I mean, why would anybody
not jerk off for a month?
You gotta get the poison out. Am I right?
-Do you think of it as poison? The liquid?
I think of it as mayo, hold the sandwich.
Hey, don't take my word for it.
Listen to comedy star turned
jacked manbeast Kumail Nanjiani.
Now I'm intrigued.
[grunts] What's up, Kumaniacs!
-Wonder if it catches on.
That's right. It's your boy Kumail here
to preach the gospel of No Nut November.
-Look, I used to fap all the time.
-[Jay] Yeah.
In my house, on the red carpet,
in my car before going into the bank.
-[Andrew] Wow!
-I was a slave to my seed! [grunts]
But ever since I stopped nutting,
my life's been Mark Wahlberg good!
[Jay] Fuck, yeah!
So, what are the rules? Easy.
One month of no sex,
no masturbation, no wet dreams,
-no nutting in any form!
Even that involuntary pre-cum
you get in a bank parking lot.
[grunts] So cork that cock,
stay rock-soft,
and I'll see you
for Decimate Your Dick December!
-[Maury] Whoa!
-Fucking incredible, right?
-Honestly, it's a great ad for walnuts.
Be that as it may, I'd like to say that
No Nut November demonizes masturbation,
which is a perfectly healthy activity.
That's what my doctor says,
and she has one long gray braid.
Missy's right,
this whole thing sounds stupid.
Besides, I couldn't last
more than a few days anyway.
Ugh! Devon can't resist his own dick.
How do you think he wanks, Missy?
Standing up? Lying down?
-Crouched over your face?
Okay, what about you two?
The boys, hanging out,
one month, no cumming.
-Please, please! I really need this.
-Need what?
-Oh, Jay wants us to do No Nut November.
-Oh, God.
-"No Nut November"?
I thought that shit was fake,
like John Travolta's bangs.
Motherfucker look like Count Chocula.
Now's your chance, Nick. Go ask your new
friend Jessi if she wants her butt hugged!
No! Enough!
In fact, maybe doing No Nut November
will shut your moldy ass up.
-Jay, I'm in.
Well, if Nick can go
a month without masturbating,
then I, Andrew, can too.
-That is… That is very funny, Andrew.
-No. Ah…
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Oh, you're laughing at me.
What are you saying? That I can't do it?
No chance. You are a jerk-off maniac.
Oh, I'm a maniac, huh?
Why, because I lust after my own self?
You think you could do it better, Nick?
-I can hold out longer than you!
-Care to make it interesting?
You mean, like a contest?
[Seinfeld theme plays]
That's right, baby. A contest.
I bet you this oatmeal raisin granola bar
that I can last longer than you!
You're on, George Costandrew.
-Whoa! You're both going down!
-[audience cheers]
This is gross!
And I want in.
-You can't be in.
-Why not?
-Girls can't nut. No nut!
-Nothing comes out.
It's pantomime!
Oh, baloney! I have orgasms all the time!
You don't say.
I do say.
-It's like a million suns…
…exploding in your "Soup Nazi."
We're doing the contest. No soup for us!
Soup is… glug, glug, glug, glug, glug,
[laughs] Oh! This is great.
I'm not going to think about Lola at all.
[chuckles] Oh,
you're gonna think about me, Jay.
This is gonna be
the hardest month of your life.
You and your jagged little shits.
[laughs, snorts]
[in sing-song] Nathan, I'm home!
Missy, my gentle geranium.
Are you ready to engage in the perfectly
healthy activity of self-stimulation?
You bet your sweet bippee!
Captain, we should touch down
on Climax Six in just a few moments.
Would you like to take the controls
while I sensually comb my hair
and make searing eye contact with you?
Permission to comb your thick mop,
you total dish!
-[alarm blares]
-[computer] Intruder alert!
There's an unidentified life form
in Sector Five.
[gasps] They must have stowed away
during our last refueling!
I'll accompany you, Captain. But please,
hold my hand, for my own safety.
The signal seems to be coming
from this way.
[scanner pinging]
-Yo! What's up, Missy?
-[gasps] Devon?
-What? I didn't know we had a steam room.
You want to join me and my big-ass dick?
[gasps] Oh! Devon?
Don't you mean, "Oh, Devon!"
No! Maybe!
[groans] I don't know!
So, how's everyone holding up?
I'm impressed with old Andrew so far.
-It's literally only been three hours.
-I know, and I'm totally fine.
I mean, sure, normally I'd go home
and jerk off, eat a giant bag of Doritos,
fall asleep on the floor,
fart myself awake,
and go down to dinner.
Oh, fuck, that sounds good.
What are we doing here, guys?
Oh, yeah,
you're not a jerk-off maniac at all.
That's right, I'm not.
I just need a distraction.
Can somebody stab me?
Or another option, maybe tonight
we watch, like, a boring, unsexy movie.
Yes, for Christ's sakes, anything!
Help me! I mean, whatever, man.
Peace. I don't give a shit.
Cool. Should we go over to your house?
You come to my house?
Cool. Sure. We can make that work.
Oh, yeah! Your house is
where all your underwears are.
That's where you're gonna cum,
yum yum yum.
No, there's no cumming.
I'm not losing this contest.
We'll see!
Let's just hope your little dicky bird
doesn't slip and fall into your hand,
squirt pudding
out of its pretty little mouth.
Oh, fuck, I'm so sick!
Hey, Maury, if I'm gonna win this thing,
I'll need your help.
Andrew, why would I help you?
If you don't cum,
they take away my dental.
-Unless what?
No, you probably wouldn't even be into it.
Come on, you grouch, what is it?
Frankly, it's a little
above your pay grade.
I'm not even sure you can handle it.
I can! I'm mature for my age.
My mom says
I have the soul of an old grocer.
[sighs] Okay. Andrew,
I think it's time for you to attend
one of my award-nominated Semen-ars.
Ooh, where is it?
It's at the Radisson Hotel
across from LaGuardia.
That's the haunted Radisson.
What about these towels
from our pool party?
Anything that reminds you of Lola
needs to go.
What? Even this chicken parm
I had half of the night I fingered her?
Throw it out!
You'll make new memories
with my tight ass.
And my death grip, Jay.
I'll rip that cock
right off the base, bro.
All right, well,
I guess that's everything.
There's one last thing, Jay-Jay.
You gotta unfollow Lola
on all social media.
Oh! Yeah, right. Ooph, this is big.
Hey, guys, just squishing
my dirty little nuggies in some fresh mud.
A little bit's
coming through my toe cleavage.
-It's a really tight space.
-It is, I've been there.
But not so tight
a tongue couldn't fit in it.
Anyway, good luck with No Nut November.
I'm looking at you, Jay!
Shit! She's got me
hard as a fucking crouton over here!
I'm gonna lose No Nut November.
Ugh, I wish Kamil Nanjiani were here.
He'd know what to do.
Jay, I am here.
Whoa! Cum Kumail?
Dude, what do I do about Lola?
Unfollow her.
Protect your precious seed. You can do it.
[sighs] Okay.
Yes, Jay, that's sick.
The Big Sick. Only on Amazon Prime.
Hey, man, hey. Good to see you.
We're gonna get started. Ahem.
Hello, everyone,
and welcome to Maury's Semen-ars.
If you're here for "Make your own soap,"
that's now in room 203.
Today, we'll be discussing edging,
a time-honored sex move
where one approaches
the precipice of orgasm, or the edge.
Shout out to my penis
that looks like the Edge.
Oh, tanks, Maury.
And then, once you're at the edge,
pull back and stop that cum in its tracks.
Question. How does this keep me
from being a jerk-off maniac?
Because you're not actually nutting.
It's a huge jack hack, man.
Shout out to my penis
that looks like Hugh Jackman.
I know it's a little late to say this,
but I actually
meant to go to the soap thing too.
-Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
So with edging, I can still masturbate,
but I won't lose the contest,
and my friends won't know
how disgusting I am!
It's perfect! You tease and you tease,
building up tantric energy.
Shout out to my penis
that looks like Sting, the tantric king.
God, there are a lot of famous dicks here.
And then when you finally do cum,
oh, boy, you're gonna plaster the ceiling.
Maury, you can stop selling it
because I'm in.
All right, break off into groups,
and, everybody, start masturbating.
[chuckles shyly] Starts regular, okay.
-Okay, Andrew. Stroke, stroke, stroke…
-[Andrew moans]
Now stop and think
of something deeply unsexy.
Andrew! Look at me!
I'm blasting my big balls
with your mother's hair dryer!
[Andrew] Oh, fuck!
Gross! Whoo!
-What a rush.
-See what I mean?
Oh! I feel so alive,
I can hold out all month.
I came ♪
I'm not good at edging ♪
I don't know what happened, Mona.
It just felt wrong to do it to Devon.
Why? Because his dick
is too bold and beautiful?
Uh, no.
Because he's someone I actually know.
-I see him at school every single day!
-That's what makes it sexy!
-That's what makes it scary!
-I won't scare you, Missy.
I go to sleep at 9:00 p.m. every night,
and sometimes I sneak into bed at 8:30.
See? Nathan's comforting and familiar!
He's boring.
Devon is young and cool, and he can move!
Uh! Watch out. [grunts] Whoo!
He's not the only one who can move,
Missy! Watch this!  [grunting]
See? Come on! Jerk off to me, Missy!
Oh, stop it.
Can you both just put a sock in it?
I don't know who I want! I need to think!
You mean, "whom I want", Missy.
That should secure my victory.
Hey, guys, come in.
So, everybody make it through dinner
without cumming?
Sorry, quick pause. Have you ever not
made it through dinner without cumming?
Who are you, the fucking Gestapo?
Sorry, it's been a tough afternoon.
I can see that.
Anyway, I've put a lot of thought into it,
and I have no doubt that I found
the least sexy film ever made.
What's the movie?
It's Doubt, a gut-wrenching drama about
child molestation in the Catholic Church.
Lives are ruined,
monologues are very long, a nun and a--
Stop. It's perfect.
I'm a good priest, Sister.
I have not touched a child.
Oh, please, Father. Look at you.
If you're not a pedophile,
I don't know who is.
Psst. Hey, Maury,
-see those potpourri balls?
Wouldn't you say
they look like stinky little tits?
-I wouldn't.
-Then you need to open your eyes!
Hold on, you're watching Doubt
and you're still horny?
I've been edging ever since
we got kicked out of the Radisson.
I told you, didn't I?
Edging is nature's Viagra.
Wait! Shh. Shut your mouth. Listen.
-[squeaky moan]
-Does the couch sound like it's, ooh,
-Oh, yeah! Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's what the doctor ordered. Yes!
Andrew, be careful.
Focus on the film Doubt.
I'm focusing.
I'm literally sitting here, asshole!
I'm gonna catch you hooking up with a kid
if it's the last thing I do.
Hey, Nick, can you pass the popcorn?
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow
I'm a cat who likes to fuck ♪
-What the hell are you doing?
-Giving you a bone-bone, baby.
-Give me the popcorn!
-Dude, are you okay?
Yeah, great! Just my favorite part
of the movie is coming up, so…
I don't care if my son was molested.
This is a good school!
It's powerful stuff.
Jessi, you're gonna
win this thing so easy!
-You think?
-These boys are idiots!
-They only think with their--
[yelps] Ding-dong!
I wanna do it again!
Oh, shit! Doubt? This movie's hilarious.
Why's your shirt off?
I was sharpening my knives outside
and got sweaty.
It's hard work, even in the fall.
Fuckin' fine-ass bitch.
I wanna rest my ear on his chest
and listen to his blood pump.
You damn right you do.
Oh, God, Maury, look over there.
That picture
of Nick's family in Costa Rica,
and Leah's in a macrame bikini.
This house is a minefield!
Hi, Andrew.
Wanna stick your clammy finger
in my wet mouth?
Holy shit, yes, I'm a pig. Let me do it.
[couch] Oh, yeah? Yeah? Oh, wow!
-Oh, God.
Maury, my dick,
it's rubbing against the back of my pants,
and it's pure pleasure.
-[couch] Thanks, Mister!
-[Maury] Be careful.
You're right on the edge,
look back at Doubt!
Fuck off, Maury! My body, my choice.
-Oh, my God, he dropped his shirt!
-Ooh! Go give it to him.
I can't do that, it's too embarrassing.
Oh, but that's your excuse to talk to him
and then stuff that shirt in his mouth!
Nick, fuck the popcorn.
Stick your dick in there.
Get a hot little popcorn kernel
stuck up in your pee hole!
Jesus, Rick, what's going on with you?
Andrew, turn away!
No. I can get closer to the edge.
I can touch it. I can be God!
-What are you doing? Why are you standing?
-Yeah, oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, thanks, Mister!
-Oh, what the fuck, Andrew?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Did you just fucking cum
in my living room?
Yes. Okay, I came. I came.
Here's your goddamn granola bar.
How did that even happen?
Oh, because I was edging. I'm disgusting.
-I did a workshop at the Radisson.
Then your squeakin'
prick tease of a couch wouldn't shut up,
so I blew my load
in your dumb ass TV room.
Oh, Andrew!
You're such a little pervert!
I need to not be here anymore.
[sniffs] Did somebody
just ejaculate in here?
[panting] Connie, look what I did.
Oh, shit. You stole Judd's shirt!
-I'm such a creep!
-Who cares?
You're a creep with Judd's shirt.
We're gonna be freaks tonight!
-Uh-huh! Got his shirt!
-Uh-huh! Okay!
-It stank, you did it!
You're so beautiful, Missy.
May I kiss you with my mouth?
-You can always be yourself around me.
-Aww, thanks, Missy.
I'm mounting your horse so that
I may gaze straight into your eyes
whilst professing my love to you.
I can't last more than a few days anyway…
[echoing] Missy…
-Missy, I knew you'd come back to me.
Nathan, I-- I did come back.
-To break up with you.
-I've… What?
I'm so sorry.
You're wonderful,
but I have feelings for Devon,
and I don't know where they will lead me.
They'll lead your fingers
right to your velvet pita!
-Sorry. Go on.
Nathan, I-- I just don't think
it would be honorable
to fantasize about both of you.
What does Devon have that I don't?
Well, not to be rude,
but he is more age-appropriate.
I can play 13. Look.
It's been a Fortnite since I've hung out
with my Mario Brothers. Scene.
Okay, but he's also real?
I can be real, too! Fly to LA!
I'm always strolling the Walk of Fame
hoping to get recognized
by single mothers.
Oh, Nathan, I'm going through changes.
-And we'll always have…
[kisses] …outer space.
-No, Missy, don't roll me up, please!
-Excuse me, sorry.
-Just watch your face. Close your eyes.
-Not the closet!
I'll do anything!
I'll eat your poo-poo, Missy!
And just like that, poof!
Lola's gone!
Lola's right here,
you fucking Brussels sprout!
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
Jayzarian Ric Flairian Bilzerian.
-You think you can just unfollow me, Jay?
-Well, why don't you unfollow this!
-[dramatic sting]
Real-life Pillola?
Why do you know me so fucking well?
Your family's Alexa
reports back to me, shithead!
No, no, no! I won't look!
Meow, meow, meow
I'm a cat who likes to fuck ♪
All right! You win.
I can't stop thinking about your
grubby toes and your sexy fucking voice.
-Is that what you wanna hear?
-Yeah, that's exactly what I want to hear.
Fine. I think about you all the time!
-You do?
-That's why I did No Nut November.
-Because of you.
-You… make… me… Knock-knock.
-Who's there?
Well, you make me
"Knock-knock, who's there, horny" too!
Really? Oh, shit,
this is just stupid, right?
Should we just like--
Go crazy on each other's pubes?
-I think so too!
Okay, there's just one thing
I need you to do first.
Babe, anything.
I'm so horny, I could break a brick
over my dick without wincing.
All you have to do to step over
the metaphorical threshold is, like…
-Say you're sorry.
Sorry for what?
For cheating on me with your pillow.
Oh, babe, I will…
[screaming] …never say "I'm sorry"!
You're the one who should apologize to me
for not saying "I love you" right away.
-[flames whoosh]
-Fuck you, Jay! I hate you!
I hate you!
I will destroy you!
You will cum this month!
-I will never cum again!
-[dramatic music plays]
Okay, so what do we do?
Well, on the one hand,
I don't want to lose to the boys, right?
-But also as a feminist, I feel like…
-Yeah, go on.
…isn't it kind of my duty
for me to nut as much as they do?
Well, exactly, that's the Me Too movement.
Well, no. That's something--
Hey! Do you want to nut
to this fucking t-shirt or what?
-Well, me too.
So time's up on this conversation,
and let's Women's March
your hands down your pants!
Okay, here's a thought.
Should I maybe lie face down
with my nose buried in the shirt
and my body completely rigid?
-Like a horny little corpse?
Yeah, I could co-sign on that.
-[sniffs] Oh…
-Stick your sniffer in there.
-Mmm! [sniffs]
-Sop it all up like a toucan.
Oh, fuck!
I'm gonna owe Nick a granola bar.
-[intriguing music plays]
-[grunting softly]
Sister Glazer.
-May I come in, Father Birch?
-Of course.
Ahem. What did you want to talk about?
-Your wandering eyes.
-My-- My what?
Father, I saw you looking at me
while I laid out the Jesus crackers.
I was not doing any such--
-I thought we were just friends, Father.
-Yes, that's all we are.
Would you like to see my body,
Father Birch?
This is… Absolutely not, Sister.
Do you like what you see, Father?
-Or wait, should I just call you "Daddy"?
Yes! No! I-- I don't know anymore.
So you do want me! Admit it.
No, I… I…
Are we just friends, Father?
-Are we? Are we?
-I have doubts. I have such doubts! Ooh!
-[church bell tolls]
[gasps] Oh, no! I "Andrewed."
Shit! Now I'm down a granola bar!
-How'd you like that creamy dream?
Rick! What the hell?
I knew you wanted to squish in Jessi.
You're scaring me, Rick.
Aw, you have such a pretty mouth.
What the fuck is going on?
That's what I want to know… baby.
[Andrew sniffles]
-I'm pathetic.
I can't believe I was the first one
eliminated in No Nut November.
Oh, uh, I thought
you were gonna say you were upset
about jizzing yourself
in front of your friend's entire family…
[chuckles] …but sure,
yeah, No Nut November.
Yeah, for some reason, I don't feel bad
about the in-front-of-the-family stuff.
God, what is wrong with me?
Nothing, you're a jerk-off maniac,
and that's a good thing.
It's your very special talent.
What? Maury, I've always wanted a talent.
And now you also know about edging.
That's right.
I don't wanna learn any lessons,
I just wanna cum again.
And I don't care if I get caught!
-Maybe that'll even be my thing.
-Oh, shit, that's where we're going? Okay.
-[sentimental music plays]
-So, yeah, sure.
When you get right down to it,
maybe not nutting
was the nuttiest thing we could do.
[sighs] Oh, isn't it beautiful, Devon?
That hot, fiery ball in the sky?
It is, Missy, and I should know.
I'm an expert on all things hot.
That's funny,
because I'm an expert on all things balls.
[Andrew] And yeah,
maybe at the end of the day, we…
We were all jerk-off maniacs.
Now click on that pic of Elaine
in the skin-tight vest at the desert.
That's a bathing suit,
and she's at the beach,
and her name is Jessi.
Potato, potutu, man.
Just mash that dinky spud already.
She's, uh… She's looking right at me.
Oh, yeah! The ocean is
where the fish do their pee-pee!
[Andrew] But that's the thing.
-That's what no one ever got.
-We were all just pervs trying to get by.
-[grunts, panting]
Trying to get by in a cruel, cruel world.
Fucking Lola,
showing up dressed like a pillow.
You must hate her so much, bro.
No, that's the thing. I don't hate her.
I miss her. I miss her so much.
What the fuck, Jay?
You're cummin' outta your eyes.
I think I'm having
an-- an emotional orgasm?
Uh, there, there, bro.
At least I didn't cum for No Nut November.
-Sorry, dude, emotional orgasms count.
But you lasted the longest,
-and for that you get a granola bar.
Nah, I don't like that healthy stuff!
-It's made out of cum.
-Okay, I'll try it.
[Andrew] We always
used to call each other good fellas.
Like, you'd say to somebody,
"You're gonna like this guy.
He's all right, he's a good fella."
You know? "He's gonna jerk off
in your friend's TV room.
-That's a normal, okay thing to do."
But now it's all different.
The other day, I tried to jerk off
in a model home during an open house,
and they threw me out
like an average schnook.
[moans] Oh, there it is!
Oh! Hi!
Oh, yeah! Superb!
[groans] A million suns!
["Layla" by Eric Clapton plays]
What'll you do when you get lonely? ♪
And nobody's waiting by your side? ♪
You've been running ♪
And hiding much too long ♪
You know it's just your foolish pride ♪
Layla ♪
You've got me on my knees, Layla ♪
I'm begging, darling, please, Layla ♪
Darling, won't you ease
My worried mind ♪
I tried to give you consolation ♪
When your old man had let you… ♪
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