Birdgirl (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1
[siren wails in distance.]

Birdgirl: Yeah, I may be
thinking about a career change.

I'm really only passionate
about what I do after work.

You know, I feel like
I can tell you anything.

What's that?
Oh, right, my [bleep.]
order.

Let's see.

I could just get ramen again,
but then I'm kind of in the mood
for rice balls.

But then there are
so many options!
What's that?
You're right, the [bleep.]
ramen.

It's Judy!
[receiver clicks.]

[light switch clicks off,
doorknob rattling.]

- I'm in here!
- Oh, sorry.
[light switch clicks on.]

- Working late again, huh?
- Yeah.

- So
- Hey.

- A group of us are grabbing drinks
- Wow! I would love to.

But I have some other stuff
I have to get to.

Y-you can just say
you find me repulsive.

[light switch clicks off, door closes.]

I don't find you repulsive!
I've just got this other thing.

It's, like, volunteer work.

[sighing.]
Ohh.

Someday, Judy, you won't
have to pretend anymore that
you're just a corporate lawyer,
that you don't watch the workday tick by
until you can slip out,
under cover of night,
to save the city as
[bookcase creaking.]

the city as
Birdgirl!
[bookcase creaking.]

Time for work!
Although they do say,
if you love what you do,
you'll never have to [grunt.]

work a leg [grunts.]

into your pants.

[rope gun fires.]

[rope gun snaps.]

Aaah!
Oh, thank god.

[desk wheels screech.]

Aaaaah!
Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.

Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! ♪
[imitates fanfare.]

Birdgirl!
- [gasps.]

- Aaaaaah!
[desk thuds.]

Slam!
[cat meows.]

[grunts.]

[beep, explosion.]

[cat meows.]

No more playing with matches.

[cat meows.]

[tires screech.]

[rope gun fires.]

Whoa!
[tires screech.]

[cellphone chimes.]

Aah!
[gasps.]

Birdgirl:
No texts, no wrecks.

[horn honks, tires screech.]

Uh, that's Judy's.

♪♪
[munching.]

[siren wails in distance.]

[plastic bag rustling.]

You're welcome!
[rope gun fires.]

- Phil Ken Sebben
- is dead.

Woman: So that's why
he didn't text me back.

The forecast,
mostly sunny skies today.

[gasps.]

Hey, handsome, want to come
live in my purse? [chuckles.]

[cat screeches.]

Ow!
Just just in the purse, now.

Reporter: Phil Ken Sebben,
known to millions as Daddy,
took a mom-and-pop
law firm
and built it into
a multinational conglomerate
that makes all the things
no one else will.

But Phil was most famous
for one thing
he never accomplished
choosing a successor
to run his company.

Now the world waits to see
who will lead
Sebben & Sebben worldwide.

[buzzer.]

Find Judy Ken Sebben now.

Woman:
It's 3:00 A.
M.
, sir.

Right, right.

Uh, wait till 9:00 or 8:00.

Is 8:00 too early?
Yeah, 9:00.

[siren wails in distance.]

[cat purring.]

Which says
"confident and decisive" to you,
harbor gray or slate gray?
[cat purring.]

Château, campfire smoke?
Ooh, maybe thunder sky,
or is that
screaming for attention?
Oh, god, they're all so gray!
[cellphone ringing.]

[indistinct conversations.]

He's not dead, everyone.

He's done this before.

I have sort of grieved his
might-have deaths so many times,
I refuse to kind of fall for it again.

- Sorry, Daddy ish.

- They found this.

[sniffing.]

Burnt mushrooms.

[sniffing.]

Some box wine.

- It's him.

- [scoffs.]
He has a hundred eye patches!
- Here's his foot.

- Oh, Daddy! No!
What if it's true?
- [man laughing.]

- Daddy?
Not Daddy.

We all know
there's no replacing Phil,
but in the event of his death,
he insisted we use
this impersonator.

[clears throat.]

Everybody get in here.

[applause.]

[chuckles.]

Phil loved this guy.

I'm here to announce
a successor.

The next CEO of Sebben & Sebben is
Birdgirl!
- Birdgirl?
- [scoffs.]
That Phil.

It's an unconventional choice,
but makes sense.

- He always did love Birdgirl.

- Why Birdgirl, you ask?
Well, she never stops,
she's an arrow in motion,
she's Phil in womanly form.

In fact, there really is
no other woman on Earth
who embodies Phil
as much as Birdgirl.

I can't believe he chose
Birdgirl [sighs.]
over me.

Which is why he left you
all his stock,
making you
the majority shareholder.

It's on the gift card.

Now let's bring her out
your new CEO, Birdgirl!
One, two, Birdgirl!
Yeah, I said it Birdgirl!
- [chuckles.]
This guy is good.

- Birdgirl!
Birdgirl!
- Birdgirl!
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]

Birdgirl!
Birdgirl!
Paging Birdgirl!
Here to save the company!
[applause.]

[snoring.]

And we have a successor.

[cheers and applause.]

You're not supposed to
stand on the table.

Birdgirl!
[clatter.]

[glass shatters.]

[indistinct conversation,
telephone rings in distance.]

[clatter.]

[doorknob rattling.]

Hi.
Can you open this?
- Um, it's the CEO's office, actually.

- Uh, I am the CEO.

So how come
you're not in the office?
Because it's locked.

- Well, I need approval to unlock it.

- From?
The CEO.
Duh.

[buzzer.]

Whoa.
[grunts, clatter.]

- Thanks for unlocking it.

- Well, you are the CEO.

"If you need anything,
press and talk.

It's an intercom.

Your assistant, Gillian.
"
Uh, yes, Gillian.

It's Gil-ian, hard G,
as in "gatekeeper.
"
Got it.

Hard G.
Nice one.

Thanks.

Now I forgot why I would
oh, right.

Can you get me Meredith?
Aah!
Don't do that!
Well, you wanted to see me.

Here I am.

- Big news I am the new
- Blee-ooh-oop! New CEO.

- So I'm promoting
- Me to general manager.

- Of Sebben & Sebben.

- Reporting to you.

Just because
you can mindtake
doesn't mean you have to.

Blee-ooh-oop.

[scoffs.]
I'm not a truck backing
up.
It's not "blee-ooh-oop.
"
It's "blee-ooh-oop.
"
That's what I said,
"blee-ooh-oop.
"
You're not even trying.

Blee-ooh-oop.

- Bloo-eh.

- Blee-ooh-oop.

The first "B" is silent.

- Boo-oop.

- [sighs.]

Hey, so, I'm sorry
about your dad.

Uh, as you know,
I'm bad at emotions.

But, uh, the guy
at the kiosk downstairs
says this one's fairly
effective at, uh, filling the gap
- in your soul, or whatever.

- Thanks.

I'll make sure to give this
to Judy when I see her.

You can drop the act.

It's me.

- Are you okay?
- I'm terrific!
Phil's gone, which sucks,
but he chose Birdgirl as CEO,
which means he saw me
as executive material!
Judy, not so much.

Hey, don't be so hard
on her yourself.

Phil also gave you, Judy,
the majority
of the company stock.

I can totally see
why Phil chose Birdgirl.

- Judy just doesn't have it.

- Have what?
- A big swinging dick!
- Uh, wait.
What?
Everything's grays with Judy.

[grunts.]

Not black and white like
Phil and me.
[glass shatters.]

Why isn't this working?
Did you open it?
We cut to the chase,
call it like we see it,
find him, [bleep.]
him,
and forget him.

Blee-ooh-oop!
I just need to talk to Judy
for one second.

- Hey, Mer.

- Look, your dad just died.

How about you take a breath
and process that?
We'll both do it.

[inhales deeply.]

[coughs.]

- Okay, you'll do that by yourself.

- You know, Mer,
I didn't even get to
tell him that I love him.

[gunfire in distance.]

Somebody needs saving!
[rope gun fires, glass shatters.]

Enjoyed our chat.

It really helped!
Mm-hmm.

Did it, though?
[man snoring.]

Sorry I'm late, everyone,
but my last thing
ran a little long.

[whispers.]
Can you
put this in my office?
So, uh, let's get started.

While Judy knows you all,
our new CEO, Birdgirl,
has never met most of us.

I'm Meredith.

I'm general manager.

Hi.
I'm Charlie, head of PR.

Great to meet you,
and great jumpsuit.

I can't pull them off personally,
but I admire a woman who can.

I'm dog with bucket hat,
and I run security.

I know a thing or two
about security.

- You and me, beers later.

- I'm, uh, in recovery.

Hey, it's Scot with one T.

I run manufacturing.

- Next!
- Brian: Human waste.

Brian o'Brien
human waste.

Alright, sit down, Brian.

For the last time,
no one wants to hear your
weird, dangerous idea.

Weird and dangerous?
I'm intrigued.

Well you are?!
Well, uh, I'd like to introduce
what could be Sebben & Sebben's
newest product.

It takes
the farm-to-table concept,
replaces table with mouth,
and quintuples profit.

It's farm to mouth to toilet.

I give you the Calypsis.

[up-tempo music play.]

[crowd cheer.]

♪♪
Ms.
Birdgirl, have you ever
had to choose between eating
- or going to the bathroom?
- Only, like, all the time!
Now you don't have to.

With the Calypsis system,
simply order from our selection
of farm-fresh meals,
and we deliver it
right to your busy life.

And when you're finished
[grunts.]

[Calypsis whirring.]

your waste is heat-molded
into fertilizer
and shipped back to the farm to
grow more food.
[sniffs, groans.]

Farm to mouth to toilet
and back to farm.

Try some of our produce.

And one for our CE oh.

[man grunting.]

[munching.]

This literally tastes like shit.

And I know.

[carrot crunches.]

Ah, the park.

I wouldn't expect you
to understand,
you m-mental
l-little people!
Bri, Bri, do not have
a Calyp-shit fit.

- Calypsis, let's roll.

- It's called improv, Bri.

Two years, Tuesday company.

[siren wails in distance.]

Our 401Ks are tied
to Sebben & Sebben stock,
but with
little miss break shit up
trashing the city,
she's tanking the price.

I'm retiring at 45, Meredith.

- It's in my life planner.

- [sighs.]
I'll talk to her.

Great idea.

[glass shatters.]

Or
you, keep it in the office.

I will?
Oh, when we ran the tests,
the veggies tasted fine.

Well, now it tastes like shit.

This is my ticket out of here
and straight
to the top of the company!
- Fix it!
- What's the matter, Calypsis?
Talk to me, baby.

[metal snaps.]

Aah!
Oh, god, no.

[growling.]

[screaming.]

♪♪
Oh, Christ Jesus!
[gasps.]

[bell dings.]

["Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" plays.]

[choir singing.]

♪♪
Mmm.
I finally
get why they're a fruit.

[up-tempo jazz plays.]

[glass shatters.]

Just checking in!
This one!
[bomb beeping, explosion.]

I approve!
[bell ringing.]

I'm actually
having thoughts about you
in my head right now.

- That's not ignoring.

- I'm used to being ignored.
[sighs.]

Stuck down in the basement
in the waste lab.

- Animal waste?
- Human.

[Calypsis whirring.]

Oh, you almost had me.

[Calypsis gurgling.]

I got cake!
[plates clattering.]

Ms.
Birdgirl?
- I-I just need five minutes.

- You got one.

Okay, y-you got to believe me,
t-the toilet works.

Give me the go-ahead,
and we'll be swimming in
Shh!
Have some cake, relax.

- I love your project.

- You do?
Boss, I know you were distracted
during the Calypsis meeting,
but there was a hiccup.

- Maybe just taste this cucumber.

- Don't need to!
Anybody gives you flak,
you show them this.

- That'll be worth money someday.

- It will?
[soft music plays,
elevator bell dings.]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What, what,
what, what, what?
Can you just calm down
and, you know, be a CEO?
I have been in the office
for 67 minutes,
and people are loving it!
Is the birthday guy loving it
or the bombing victims on 26?
Look, I know Birdgirl has
a unique leadership style,
but she can't
run the company alone.

We need Judy.

- But Phil chose Birdgirl.

- Hey oh!
Uh, yo, card guy, uh,
I bought a defective
sympathy card from you.

- You need to fix it.

- Let me just turn you around.

- Ohh!
- My god, I do need to fix this.

The knot in your shoulder
- Ohh!
- is ginormo.

- Ohh!
- Hashtag me knot.

- You! [groaning.]

- Okay.

[cracking.]

- Mm-hmm.

- [grunts.]

Executive touch!
Soothe! Heal!
Relax! Unwind!
Honey, honey, "executive touch"
means something different
in massage-speak.

- Ugh!
- [gunshots and screaming in distance.]

[rope gun fires.]

Whoa!
That vag attacked my client.

[telephone rings.]

So, Birdgirl isn't working out.

Can't you just
mindtake her and
- Zip it.

- Oh.

I just don't know what to do.

She isn't
dealing with Phil's death.

- Well, he was her father.

- What?!
Phil Ken Sebben
was Birdgirl's dad,
and something
about mindtaking?
Oh, my god!
And now he knows everything.

Better read him in.

- What's your name?
- It's Paul, of the Syracuse Pauls.

You know not when you
may be summoned, but
These junior pilot plastic wings
are both an honor
and a responsibility.

Better not screw it up.

[laughing.]

I mean, can I fly now?
Yeah, sure.

Why not?
Good morning.

Since launching this ad campaign,
we've been getting pre-orders
out the ass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're taking pre-orders?
Uh, are you sure you got
all the kinks worked out?
[Calypsis whirring.]

Ow!
Worked out enough
to get the CEO's approval.

Sebben & Sebben hasn't had this
many orders for anything ever.

This is the kind of leadership
this company needs.

[cellphone clicking, chimes.]

I can't cover for her anymore.

She's never here.

And when she is here,
she's using C-4
to unclog the printer.

Look, I appreciate
what you've been doing.

I know
we're used to laughing at Brian,
but this toilet thing,
it's so crazy,
it just might work,
because crazy things
usually work.

You need to find your girl.

I think Brian's gonna call
a proxy meeting.

- What's that mean?
- How should I know?
I'm a goddamn dog.

[grunting.]

Zip it up, back there!
Zip it!
[police radio chatter.]

[mindtake dial wailing.]

No, no, I do not accept!
I refuse to be blee-ooped.

You're giving me no choice.

[tires screech.]

Give me my arms back, Mer.

[tires screech, crash.]

[horn honks.]

[gurgles, gasps.]

Ugh.
Where am I?
- Is this a palace?
- It's like a palace.

It has 36 rooms
and a laundry in the basement,
but most people
call them apartments now.

[water draining.]
I need to
talk to Judy, so I'm going in.

Oh, hey, Mer.

Since I was a kid,
the only way I could get him
to pay attention to me
was to do crazy,
impulsive stuff as Birdgirl.

Because he was crazy
and impulsive.

Yeah, kinda.

And then after a while,
I got so addicted to his approval,
Judy just sort of
took a backseat.

And now
it all just makes me
- Sad?
- Yeah!
Wow, my dad
sort of sucked as a dad.

But whatever he did made you,
and you're so
very adequate.

[sniffles.]

[paper tears.]

[cellphone chimes.]

There's a board meeting
to replace Birdgirl
with Brian o'Brien as CEO!
Let's go.

[cellphone chimes.]

Ohh!
Oh, no, no, no.

[cellphone chimes.]

I've put my blood, sweat, tears,
and [bleep.]
into this
company to drive success!
I've given you this!
[Calypsis gurgling.]

What has Birdgirl given you?!
Let's vote.

All those in favor
of naming Brian o'Brien
the new CEO, say "aye.
"
All: Aye.

- Nay!
- Nay!
Oh, yeah!
[up-tempo music play.]

♪♪
- What now?
- I'm gonna do the right thing
go down to his office
and congratulate that asshole.

♪♪
[door creaks open.]

Hey, Brian,
I-I'm not here to suck up to you
because you're CEO now.

I'm not, okay?
In fact, I'm here because
I treated you badly
and I'm asking
for forgiveness, okay?
Taste pipe, shit brick!
Aah!
That's your cue
to shove him down
that ridiculously small hole.

Aaah!
- Aaah!
- [laughing evilly.]

[bell dings.]

[dramatic music plays.]

- Huh?
- I saw everything!
Shut the lid
and step away from the bowl!
Sic 'em.

[gurgles.]

My god, I thought you were
smart technology.

♪♪
[Calypsis wheels screech.]

♪♪
Blee-oop, blee-oop.

What?
I'm at the Veggie Shawarma place.

You know how they are
about phones.

I know you said Birdgirl sucks
as a CEO,
but you didn't say she sucks!
How could you let her approve
a man-eating toilet?
Wait.

I thought it just ate waste.

Um, that's every toilet.

This one eats people!
Now do you see why it's good
to have Judy around sometimes?
- Aah, aah!
- Oh, my god!
I'll take that to go.

♪♪
[grunting.]

It's escaped.

My god, what have you done?
Pretty sure this is on you.

[soft music plays.]

[elevator bell dings.]

You can do this, Judy.

[screaming.]

Then again,
some jobs call for Birdgirl.

Can we do this
without things getting weird?
No problem on my end!
That wasn't super convincing.

Let's roll.

♪♪
Birdgirl needs our help!
He'll be summoned.

He knows not when.

Hey, I've still got
3 1/2 minutes on my swedish!
Find somebody else
to touch your back fat!
[screaming.]

♪♪
I am the master of human waste!
Human waste, human waste!
There's some human waste!
You're all human waste!
Human waste.

- Maybe now is a good time to
- Already on it.

You're all human waste!
♪♪
Hyah-ha!
Aah!
[grunts.]

Massage guy, you're up!
- Let out tension.

- [grunting.]

Oh, you really are
a miracle worker.

[Calypsis creaking.]

♪♪
Huh?
I didn't want money or the title.

I just wanted the glory.

Sic Semper Calypsis!
[grunts.]

Not today, toilet.

Not today.

Aaaaah!
[car alarm wailing.]

You're on my foot.

- Uh
- You're at the circus.

You're at the park.

You're a sexy chicken.

You're leaving $400
in my guitar case.

You like the smell
of library books.

You say "faux" instead of "fuh.
"
Uh, you kissed your cousin once.

I'm responsible for this.

I greenlit the man-eating toilet
for Sebben & Sebben.

I belong on the streets,
not behind a desk.

As my last official act as CEO,
I name Judy Ken Sebben as
the new CEO of Sebben & Sebben.

[cheers and applause.]
Uh, do we
care that none of this is legal?
No?
Where is Judy anyway?
[indistinct conversations.]

I accept!
[cheers and applause.]

Mer, I don't know
what we would have done
- without you and your dial.

- There is no dial.

You were controlling yourself
the whole time.

- Good one, Mer.

- No, there really isn't a dial.

- Ha!
- Hey, hey, what do you want?
Hmm.

I used to think I should quit
and save the world as Birdgirl,
but now I see
I just wanted my dad to see me.

- But now he's gone.

- No, I mean what do you want?
Oh, right!
I'll have the [bleep.]
ramen.

[sighs.]
Here we go.

Let's do this.

Well, everybody, I'm officially
CEO of Sebben & Sebben.

And we are the Birdteam!
- Meredith the Mindtaker
- What?
- The Feels
- Yes.

- Strongarm
- What is she doing?
and Birdcat!
[cat purring.]

Hey, a group of us
are grabbing drinks.

- Drinks?
- Do not make that.

- I licked myself.

- Love to.

Hey, who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Birdgirl! ♪
Wins a fight,
unique like pearls ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Who's the one
they can't defeat? ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Hey! ♪
Hey ♪
[imitates fanfare.]

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