Birdgirl (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

Sharebear

- For you.

- What's this?!
Just a little something
to commemorate
- your first week as C.
E.
O.

- Aww.

Okay.
I'm not a tube
of toothpaste.

Mer, I can't believe it!
I thought this was buried
with Daddy!
- It was.

- Gross.

I love it! Thank you!
Neodymium, a rare-earth magnet.

- People will be impressed.

- How impressed?
Uh, I mean, you know
So, ready to do this?
Our first time paying
the employees together?
I dare say
I've never been readier.

It's payday, bitch!
I was talking to myself.

- I wasn't calling you a
- Payday!
Payday!
- Hup!
- Hey, go! Whoop!
- Hyah!
- Hoop!
- Hup! - Whoop!
- Next! - Hey!
- Whoo!
- Hup!
Whoa-dee-oh-dee oh-dee-oh!
Yabada-doo-boo-boo!
- Whoo!
- Shake.

You got to be [bleep.]
kiddin' me.

I'm a senior executive
at this company.

- It's organic venison.

- Aw, God damn it.

Oh, good,
Brian's back.

I saw things inside those
toilet pipes, Judy
horrific things,
wonderful things.

Good thing I had the GoPro.

Your pen zapped my Pro!
And you only worked half
a week, so giddyup.

Hey! Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Who's the girl
that saves the world?
Hey!
Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God.

Birdgirl!
Oh, something else to sign.

- I'll make space right here.

- Nah, I can sign that one solo.

But if you have to sign
everything I sign,
why don't I have to sign
everything you sign?
I'm your backup so you don't
make any mistakes.

Well, what if you
make a mistake?
- Why don't you need backup?
- Sorry.

- Okay.

- I'm a mindtaker.

I don't make mistakes.

And you're Judy,
so you're always Judy-ing.

What the [bleep.]
does that mean?!
Am I sensing some anger?
No anger.

Nope.
None.

Not one bit.

Hey, guys.

As fourth-wave feminists,
how about we support each other,
and commemorate said support
by signing this important
- financial document, right here?
- He's right.

And as a woman who
supports other women,
I'd like to empower Judy
to chill the [bleep.]
out.

And I want to be a fierce
advocate of Meredith
getting off my jock.

- Stop fighting!
- We're not fighting!
And since we're not, maybe
I'll let you not cool down
while I take some not space
to read that New Yorker article
about a giant earthquake
that's going to
decimate the
Pacific Northwest, or whatever.

If I'm late on my court-ordered
restitution payments, I don't
- Everyone out, now!
- Yep.

What is that?
It's a congrats gift from
some dude another C.
E.
O.

- I wonder how he does it.

- I bet he starts at the "C.
"
Um, can I get you something
some hot tea
English breakfast, Chamomile,
Neem, Oolong, Po cha.

Oh, whatever you think
is best, Gillian.

Really and truly?
Whatever I think is
- What?
- best?
- Can you leave now?
- Whatever I think is best.

Best.
Best.
Hmm.

Best.
Best
B-E-S-T, best.

Best.
Best.

Ugh, I can't believe Meredith,
thinking I need her help!
- Ugh!
- Everyone needs help.

- Aah!
- Whee!
- What are you?
- I'm Share Bear.

It all spins.

Will you be my Share Mate, Judy?
I cast you down
to the flames of
No!
Let me explain.

I'm Share Bear,
your personal Thera-Bear.

I can help you
with your problems.

I'm listening.

It sounds like you're
fighting with your best friend.

- Tickle me for "yes.
"
- Ugh, Meredith.
Yes.

You got to tickle me.

Meredith thinks
she's supporting you.

No, she thinks I can't do
my job without her.

It sounds like you're creating a
victim narrative.

You're right.

I am a victim.

That's not really what I meant.

That's okay, because
that's what I heard.

Four internal microphones,
visual data processing.

Impressive.

- Whee!
- Gillian!
Can you get me Etan Delvay?
Ugh! Where is she?
You're the best.

I'm the best.

I'll show her.

Where's the buzzer?
- Judy?
- Aah!
Nice to meet you.

I like your office.

- Very minimal.

- It's not real.

Ow!
- That felt really real.

- Then it was to you.

I'm real.

The stapler isn't.

- Am I real?
- Ow!
You're being held back
by your company.

Not by my company,
by Meredith.
Ugh.

I was like you once.

Everything was built
to say "no" to me.

So I chucked it all,
and it's been one big "yes"
ever since.

Tickle me for "yes.
"
Share Bear brings affordable
mental healthcare to all.

It listens, learns,
and gives the most
optimal feedback it can,
all while keeping
your information private
and stored locally.

Your secrets are in my tummy.

Judy, our job
is to take big swings,
and we start with Share Bear.

It's not too late to be the you
you dream about.

- "We"?
- Yes.
Because the one thing
- I don't have is
- Factories?
hundreds of disgruntled,
miserable employees
to test the Share Bears on.

Oh, my God, I've got
so many of those!
Together,
we'll put mental healthcare
within arm's reach of everyone.

- Is this the power input?
- That's my poo chute.

For years, I struggled
with social anxiety.

I stayed shut in.

I only connected to the world
through computers.

Hmm.
Nobody told me
there was a meeting.

- I called it, as C.
E.
O.

- Well, isn't that great for you.

The thought of getting up
in front of all of you
- You've got this.

- Yes.
And that's why
I devoted my life
to making Share Bear a reality.

Judy, you can't jump into
an investment like this.

We don't know anything
about the tech world,
or mental health, or
- Share Bear
- this guy.

She's got a point.

We're an old-school company.

We make practical things
coal, potash, porn
things people can touch.

So, it's not porn, but it is exactly
the kind of business we should be in.

Etan is a decent, albeit odd,
man who's devoted his life
to bringing goodness to the world,
and we can be a part
of that dream.

I'm so confident in this deal,
I'll stake my reputation on it.

Yeah, uh, we'll
need a little more than that
for the display case, Judy.

You can't put that in a bowl.

We're so confident, Judy will
stake 20% of her stock
in Sebben & Sebben on it.

Uh, I will?
Wait.

Jude, let's talk about this.

- Deal!
- Oh.

Damn, I love a good bet.

I'm legally obligated to tell
you, if this goes to [bleep.]
,
you forfeit the stock.

Sign right there.

Oh, my, only one
signature needed.

We'll hold your stock
as collateral
ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght
over here.

Psst.
Um, hi.

Sorry.

I don't want to interrupt
the process.

Um, just, like, ballpark,
when do you think
I'll be able to hit the road?
Jude, slow down.

Let's talk about this.

Don't you think it's a little
weird Etan completely spoke
for you at that meeting?
And you're worried
because that's your job?
Whoo! Burn!
Even a Thera-Bear
loves a good burn.

You know the board's holding
20% of your stock.

If this tanks, you lose it,
and they can overrule you
on all your decisions.

It's super easy to judge
when you're second in command,
but my name's on this company.

I made a decision.

Ow!
Mer, as Birdgirl,
I've been trying to save
the world one person at a time.

But as C.
E.
O.
, I have a
shot at improving the lives
- of millions of people.

- Can't we be post-not-fighting?
Yes, we can't
not totally.

You're wrong about Etan.

You'll see at the launch party.

Sorry, you already planned
a launch party?
I still sense tension.

How did your families
communicate anger?
Shut up, Share Bear.

When I first met Judy,
I thought this partnership
was too good to be true,
because Sebben & Sebben
has the highest suicide rate
- of all Fortune 1,000 companies.

- Where's our paychecks?!
All this beautiful pent-up rage
makes Sebben & Sebben
the perfect launch pad for
a revolutionary new product.

Behold, the first
Share Bear.

Yeah!
Anyway, the Share Bear!
Sure, I've been fortunate.

Always had a job
with constant promotions
and a benefits package.

Things just always seem
to work out for me.

Maybe because I'm such
a good person.

That's very good, Brian,
but it sounds like
you're holding something back.

Nothing gets past you,
does it, ya helpful bastard?
- I'll give you 5 openness points.

- Five?! Okay!
I murdered Scot with one "T.
"
I can't eat or sleep.

My golf game's gone to [bleep.]
!
Confessing to the authorities
is a good first step.

Look at this little guy.

He even has a sense of humor.

Don't ever joke about that.

I will gut you
from stem to stern.

- That That's your stern, right?
- That's my bum button.

It's weird.
Partly, I'm worried
about my unsigned paycheck,
but I guess what I'm really
afraid of is money defining me.

Listen to me, going on and on
and on about myself.

- How are you doing?
- Oh.

Nobody's ever asked me that.

W-W-W-What?!
You have never shared?
But you're a Share Bear.

I volunteer to eat your pain.

Can you back up a tad?
- You're in my personal space.

- Am I?
Or do you want to go
to that place?
Do you want to go past
the scary, past the ugly,
behind the convenience store,
Mom left you in a running car
while she went on a date?
Share with me.

Share with me.

S-S-Share.

Don't let another author
tell your story, Jessica.

Oh, everyone is loving
these little [bleep.]
.

Tell me about your father.

Morale's never been better.

- I am so proud of you, Jude.

- Thanks, Chaz.

See, Mer, Ete is a genius.

- That's not short for Etan, is it?
- See he's a genius.

Ugh.
He sure is something.

- Wednesday fritters!
- And the fritters are amazing!
You've got to get on board
with this bear thing.

But it means overcoming years
of my natural inclination
to [bleep.]
on things.

That's called coprophilia.

I can help.

Etan just seems too good
to be true.

Why don't you just find out.

Invite him out to a nice lunch,
and then, when nobody's looking,
take a little stroll through his
brainpan to see if he's legit.

- Bwee-yoop.

- It's not "bwee-yoop.
"
It's Oh, forget it.

Aw, Thursday is fritters day.

I'd like a wine spritzer.

Nothing for the bear.

He's driving.

Mind if I take a look around?
I live my life as a "yes.
"
Oh.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

We're a shoeless household.

Judy may trust you, but I don't,
so I'm nosing around
for the real dirt.
Relax.

It'll feel like you're inside
of a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Bwee-oop!
Let's see what you're hiding
up in that piece, Mr.
Delvay.

Nope.
Nope.
Nope.

My God, does he never
leave his apartment?
Wait a second.

Yep.

Yep!
Yes.
I knew it.

Now, how to show Judy all this?
Totally uncrackable.

The only way to access the info
is, head turn right,
arm, knee, bend elbow,
grab, shake around, thumb up hoo-hah.

Caring, shar
Yes, Dog With Bucket Hat,
I've sent the wire transfer,
so you can move that 20%
of Judy's stock
right over to my account.

I [bleep.]
knew it.

He's plotting to take over
the company.

Gotta get that dude's bear.

Yes.

A million times, yes.

Y-e-s.

Y-e-s.

Hmm.

Bear goes on the belt.

You're free to go.

He's gone.

I don't even know why
you wanted his bear.

They're trash.

I've broken, like, 10.

I don't really give a [bleep.]
, Paul.

Let's see if this
gets you to talk.

Head turn, right arm,
knee bend, elbow grab,
shake it 'round,
thumb up hoo-hah.

Share
Yes, Dog With Bucket Hat,
I've sent the wire transfer
- Bingo.

- 20% of Judy's stock right
Sharing.

All bears share.

What the hell did I do?
Sharing
So, how are you? And I
don't mean that as a platitude.

Okay, is that what I sound like?
Gross.

- All bears share.

- Sharing.

- Sharing.

- Sharing.

But I never make mistakes.

Sharing.

So, there's this guy Dave
who's so bland and soft and milky.

I have this creepy fantasy he
actually shows up in my office
in espadrilles
and a welding mask.

Aaah!
I'm not quite sure
where this goes.

You leave my office, and I
pretend this never happened.

What are espadrilles?
Sharing
People have told me
I have a good voice.

What people?
Guys, we all have them.

Lance has one.

Lance, buddy, tell them.

Tell them!
What's wrong with lipstick, huh?
Guys.
Guys!
Don't leave while it's weird!
Dismiss.

My golf game's gone to [bleep.]

I've been anonymously sending
his family all my loose change,
but even that hasn't helped.

I could see Scot with one T's
life force draining from him.

The more he pleaded with me
the more I hated him.

- I don't know what's wrong!
- What's wrong?
I staked my reputation
on you and your bears,
and now, both are worthless.

Jude, I got his bear to talk.

You can move that 20% of
Judy's stock right over to my account.

He tricked you into
signing over your stock
so he could wrest control of
Sebben & Sebben from you.

- How could you?!
- How did you crack my bear?
What did they do to you,
baby boy?
You know the thing
elbow grab,
shake it 'round, thumb up ass.

You overrode their
data-encryption settings!
This is your fault!
How about we all
take it down a notch?
And later, we will be revisiting
you stealing 20% of my stock.

It's really not
what it seems, Judy.

I really trusted you, you know?
You and me, changing the world.

Brian, you're lurking.

I know you invented
the Share Bear,
and on behalf of everyone
at Sebben & Sebben,
I'd just like to say
jump.

I don't know about you people,
but I told my bear some dark [bleep.]
.

And what do Share Bears do?
- They share with the world!
- Yeah!
They'll leave the building, and
everyone will know our secrets.

Thanks, broom guy.

No bear shall pass
that threshold!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Uh, except him.

Hey, Dave, can you go get
your Goddamn bear?
I'm gonna be the bigger person,
and say this isn't all your fault.

Another way of
putting that is?
It's not your fault at all.

I was just trying
to protect you.

I don't need it, Mer.

I blew my shares, but at least
it was my decision.

You're right.
I know your
name's on the company.

And you know I support you
no matter what.

Toothpaste.

Why are we stuck togeth
oh, magnetic pen.

You wear underwire bras, too?
Have you been to Jeanette's?
- Where the alphabet starts at "D.
"
- Ugh!
Mer, get the Birdteam.

Aah!
It's not that bad.

Really.

- Whee!
- Hey, guys.

It's me, Meredith,
in y'all's head!
Bwee-yoop, mother[bleep.]
.

Paul, you round them up,
and drive them towards Charlie.

Charlie, you trap them
in the front entrance.

Birdcat, guard the flank,
and make sure none of them
get out the side door.

Birdteam, go!
Come on, little ones.

Come to Daddy Bear.

Neodymium, go!
- You don't have to tell it to go.

- I like saying "go.
"
Rent! Yes!
Before I go, I'd like to
propose direct deposit.

Next!
Huh.

I thought I said "coffee.
"
Coffee.

I see, coffee.

Who sent the congrats gift?
"Dearest Judy, you're the
only one who ever believed in me
so much that you risked
20% of your company.

I bought your stock just
to give it back to you.

Friends forever, Etan.
"
- Uhh
- Um, gulp.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming for you, Judy-y!
Who is the girl that
saves the world?
Hey! Birdgirl!
Wings of fire, you need that girl.

Hey! Birdgirl!
Who's the one they came to see?
Hey! Birdgirl!
Oh, this is so unique.

Hey! Birdgirl!
Birdgirl! Hey!
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