Birdgirl (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Thirdgirl

1
Out there,
while people gossip
or take 10-minute breaks,
I remain at the ready.

Nothing can happen
that I haven't anticipated.

I am the gatekeeper,
the keeper of secrets,
for I am Birdgirl's assistant.

- Gillian!
- And Judy's.

My veggie gumbo
has tomatoes again.

On it, boss.

I was made for this.

Hey! ♪
Oh, my god, oh, my god, ♪
oh, my god, oh, my god.

- Hey! ♪
- Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
- Hey! ♪
- Birdgirl! ♪
Still half a million short.

Damn.

- Maybe if we sell the Northfield plant.

- We already did.

- I thought we sold Southfield.

- We did.

- Eastfield?
- No one would buy Eastfield.

It's in the middle of nowhere.

Plus, it smells like beans.

Hello?
Yuri, Charlie.

I have a property
so deep in Assburg,
- it's not on the map.

- I'll take it.

He wants East Assburg.

- I won't take a penny less than
- Are you nuts?
We got a live one here.

Don't blow it.

We've got a deal.

- We've got a deal.

- Lock it up.

Someone must have made a sale,
'cause I just piddled.

Not really.

Oh! Still 12 bucks short.

Whoa-ho, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She eats on the company dime?
- He does.

- Huh.
I thought all cats were girls.

Anyway, there's your 12 bucks,
right there.

And, uh, you could afford
to miss a couple of meals.

Aaah!
Get her off me!
Sir, Peter Pants contributes
in ways you don't know,
but, fine, we'll switch him
to dry food.

- Carry the 2, and blammo we hit zero.

- Thank god.

Maybe this will stop all the
employee rumors about layoffs.

There have been rumors about
layoffs?
The shifting of resources
may mean staff changes.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Why didn't someone tell me
"staff changes" means "layoffs"?
I'm the good CEO.

I can't lay people off.

And you won't have to,
as long as you stick
to this ass-clenchingly
precarious balance sheet.

Speaking of ass-clenching,
anyone headed outside?
- Well, that went well.

- You did great.

You're actually kind of
growing into this.

I kind of am.

Gillian!
I'm running late.

I'm just gonna Birdgirl
straight from here.

Fresh from the cleaner's!
- Did you
- Reinforce the pits and tits?
Of course.

Hey, anybody want to grab a drink?
That was close.
Did he see it?
Did he see the suit?
Did he see it, you guys?
Did he see it?
Hold it up like you were.

Okay, this is very important.

No one can see the suit,
because then they'll know
that Judy is also
Wait, I almost said it.

Does Meredith know?
- Do I know what?
- Don't be mean.

Yes, I know, along with
everything else,
because I'm in your mind.

Gillian, it's kind of
a low-key secret.

It's okay for people
really close to me
to know about Birdgirl,
but I don't want everybody
knowing about it.

Judy, if even just one person
knows about
your secret identity,
then they tell three more,
then those three become nine,
then they tell three,
and it's three cubed.

You see where
I'm going with this?
Then, someone falsely claims
Birdgirl injures them
and sues Judy Ken Sebben
for all of Sebben & Sebben.

Gillian, I appreciate it.

But there are already a ton
of pictures on the internet
comparing me and Birdgirl.

Ooh, pits then tits.

Wah-wah.

Much better.

- Three, two, one.

- Birdgirl!
Tell no one
of what you've seen here.

I will tell no one of that.

I protect Judy's secret identity,
not for her sake but for ours.

Well, a little bit for hers.

She's so boss.

Let's get you home.

Hmm?
That was unexpected.

Energy.

"No, not same!"
Nuh-unh.

Coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two
Birdgirl!
Gillian, did you get
the cost-saving
- but still-delicious cat food?
- Of course.

After he eats,
can you play with him?
I got a cat so he could play
with himself,
but he doesn't,
because he's a cat.

Okay, great day today, Gillian.

You can go home now
and get some rest.

I am so amped.
I'm never
gonna get to sleep tonight.

Make sure I sign those contracts
tomorrow and find something
to remove blue dye
from skin.

When I'm alone ♪
And I've got no one
to dry my tears ♪
I hear a voice
crying out ♪
In my ♪
Carl!
I can't take this anymore.

- None of us can take it.

- Eileen, I'm a grown man, okay?!
I've been out looking for a job,
and now I'm home.

I just want to spread my legs
and relax!
- You're drunk, Dad.

- You're both drunk.

Where'd this goddamn cat
come from?!
Cassie, how many times
do I have to tell you
to close the screen door
when you come in?
- Dad, you're drunk.
That door was shut.

- Dad, you're drunk.

You know Cassie always shuts
that door when she gets home.

You're just too drunk to notice.

My god.

That goddamn cat's right.

I'm a drunk.
I need to dry
out and get my family back.

- We're right here, Dad.

- We've always been here, Dad.

Risking country
music star Caleb Lee Hutchinson?
We'll always be here, Cassie,
right here, no matter what.

Unlock the door ♪
and set it free ♪
Unlock the door ♪
and let it be ♪
Dee-dee-doo.

Morning, all.

Good morning.

Good morn
Oh! Oh, my god!
Floris is dead!
- What?
- What?
No? Just resting?
Thank goodness.

Floris, refill that carafe,
you lazy bag.

Energy.

Good morning, Judy.

I haven't seen you
since 6:00 p.
m.
last night,
- when we both left work.

- Your dress is smoking.

- We have to fire Gillian.

- We can't fire Gillian.

Remember that ass-clenchingly
precarious balance sheet?
Her ridiculous number of O.
T.

hours has put us in the red.

I need those ridiculous hours.

My life will fall apart.

- We've got no choice.

- Unless we
- Put her in a coma.

- hire another assistant to split her workload.

Probably what Mer said.

A new employee is actually
cheaper than overtime.

Okay, great, now Birdgirl gets
an all-night assistant.

No more boring sleep.

- I'll get Gillian.

- Crudité time.

- Gillian, take a seat.

- Did I do something wrong?
- No, you did everything right.

- You're working too much.

I'm working
just the right amount
of all the time,
all the time.

Gillian, we were wondering,
you know,
would it be so bad
if we hired a night assistant?
You take normal business hours,
6:00 a.
m.
to 6:00 p.
m.
,
- and someone else
- Okay, perfect.

That went easier than I thought.

I'll start the hiring process
straightaway.

I already know who I'll hire.

We need someone with tight
lips and a tighter ass
Not literally.

Just someone who can keep a secret
- and takes it deadly serious.

- Gillian said "ass.
"
I'll find the one person
who can do this job.

Mm.

- Gillian!
- Gillian!
Loose lips.

Can't keep his mouth shut.

None of these people
are good enough for Judy.

Bingo.

Gillian.
Hi.

- Ugh.

- Hi, Benjy.

Rumor has it, the boss is
looking for some night help.

FYI the best version of me
comes out at night.

Everyone knows that's just
stacked pubic hair, Benjy.

Besides, you're too late,
as "ushe.
"
- I've already found the perfect match.

- Oh, yeah? Who?
- None of your beeswax, "pube-jy.
"
- Okay, okay, good burn.

Welp, when you realize you're
desperate for the Benjy effect,
you know where to find me.

Nowhere near Birdgirl.

That's where.

Interestingly, she's a little
casual about her secret identity,
which means we have to be
super serious about it.

- Got it?
- Got it.

- Hyah!
- Oh, my
- Nose in the carpet, hands above the top bun.

- Oh, hello.

I'm Gennifer,
your new night assistant.

Oh, so, so sorry! She told
me you'd be starting tonight.

I'm shocked
she actually hired someone.

She's, like, totally freaked out
about people learning
my not-secret identity.

Oh, that Gillian.

Stop.

Hmmmmm.

- Show time.

- Nice job, Gennifer.

You, too, Gillian.

You're almost as good as me.

Nobody's that good.

Oh, one thing.

Never give Birdgirl
a freshly sharpened knife,
because she stores them
in her pants.

Oh, I know.

How?
Because I'm you.

You're kind of crazy.

And I quite like it.

Energy.

Another day guarding the secret
comes to a successful end.

I will paint a picture ♪
Just as another begins.

The sun rises because of me,
though I'm not the sun.

That's, like, Elizabethan for,
"what have you done
for me lately?"
When I jump inside
and walk on ♪
What the [bleep.]

have you done?
That's totally normal.

Okay, so tonight is your speech
at the Harley-Davidson hogs
for a female cause.

And Friday, you have
the Women in business
male empowerment seminar,
a networking event for
businesswomen, run by men.

Got it.
Let's write
the keynote for tonight.

Maybe we start with
some motorcycle slang.

"Good evening, riders.

I hope you're all keeping
the rubber side down.
"
Cutting.
Right.

The latest numbers are in.

Productivity is way down.

People are spending
all their work hours
droning on
about the not-layoffs.

So, by worrying about layoffs,
employee productivity is down,
- which will lead to massive layoffs.

- I'll take notes.

Thanks for saying that
out loud.

I say, if they can't stop
talking about layoffs,
- do some layoffs.

- No, we have to find some way
to get a positive message
out there.

- Bwee-oop?
- No.
No cheating.

Just a snap of these fingers, and
everyone forgets about layoffs
and a few of them, their names.

No, we're gonna do this
the right way.

I'll go to these functions
and deliver an upbeat view
of Sebben & Sebben.

Meredith, you do a listening tour.

Make the employees
talk so much,
they forget what they're afraid
of, but no "bwee-oop.
"
- I promise.

- Gillian, I forgot to tell Gennifer
I'm gonna need her
at the event tonight,
and you, both of you
there tonight
at the same time.

Can you let her know?
Uh, both of us?
There, tonight?
I'll do some Birdgirl-ing,
go to the event, then
get back to Birdgirl-ing.

It's a Birdgirl sandwich
with a hog-meat center.

Speaking of hog meat,
where is Birdcat?
Energy.

I'll find him.

I don't know, Trace,
they just put me on register,
and I don't want to lose this job.

I'll pay it all back
on Thursday, babe.

They won't even know.

My god,
even a cat can see it.

I don't need to sacrifice
my job for a man!
Get your hands off me,
and get out!
We are done and done,
and don't ever come back here!
I don't know where or how
or why or how,
but i'll get you, cat.

That cat's a freak.

He's not a freak!
He's an angel.

- Unlock the door ♪
- and set it free ♪
- Unlock the door ♪
- and let it be ♪
So, let's go
around the room,
and you tell me
what's on your mind.

Using the pads in front of you,
I want you to write down
- journaling!
- Am I in trouble here?
Is this about the layoffs?
Like, 1 to 10,
what's my risk exposure?
it!
We're all at risk!
Look, either way, I'm covered.

Protected class.

They can't fire me.

It'd look like they discriminate
against majorities.

And the majority of people would
have a big problem with that.

They might rise up,
take the power
they already have
into their own hands.

- it!
- Thanks for coming, everyone.

And
synchronize watches.

The event starts at 8:00.

Gennifer, you meet Birdgirl
at the southeastern entrance
at exactly 19:56
with Judy's outfit.

Got it.

Birdgirl, you'll steal away
behind the chocolate abyss.

Chocolate abyss?
Oh, it's a bottomless fondue pot,
which will provide you
with ample cover
to change into judy's
evening gown.

Then, you'll meet me, Gillian,
at the production booth,
where I'll drop off her
head shot to be projected on
the screen, and we'll get
Judy ready to go onstage.

Got that, Gillian?
Roger.

Le coq au vin, Gillian.

Benjy?
What are you doing here?
I never miss this event
for obvious reasons.

Benjy works
at Sebben & Sebben.

Miss Ken Sebben,
we're all pulling for you.

Finally,
a female CEO.
It's time.

Introducing your keynote speaker
- Speech, speech!
- CEO, and honorary hog
Speech, speech,
speech, speech.

Judy Ken Sebben!
Hello, riders.

I hope you're keeping
the rubber side down.

I just found out we raised
over $160 million
for female causes tonight.

Isn't that something?
Uh, $160,000.

Sorry about that.

We live in amazing times.

In my company,
old ladies are no longer
considered just back-warmers.

And when it comes to my
employees, uh, if they
can't stop talking about
layoffs, do some layoffs.

Sorry, uh, bit of a mix-up.

Must be the fumes.

Just so we're clear, there are
no massive layoffs going on.

I'm gonna stop saying
the word "layoffs.
"
This is the absolute last time
I say "layoffs.
"
You were so concerned
about my secret identity,
we messed up the reason
we were here
to stop the rumors about layoffs.

- Not happy, Gillian.

- It's my fault.

You do seem to be stretched
a little thin.

What if somehow
we found the funds
to hire a second assistant
to assist you?
What about that weird kid
on the 27th floor?
The pubic-lump guy?
Yeah, he seems to be
an upper-level floater.

Super perfect way to describe him.

Benjy can fill in the gaps
- Energy.

- that Gillian and Gennifer might miss.

There are no gaps!
I mean, okay, great.

Benjy it is.
I'll tell him.

I know where to find him.

We're friends.

Even though I hate him.

Your magnetic pen, ma'am?
Benjy here, reporting for duty.

I'm Benjy.

Yeah, that's me.

Hmmmmm.

Great!
Welcome to the team!
Judy Ken Sebben's office.

Judy Ken Sebben's office.

I'm a tea
drinker, Floris! You git!
Benjy!
Gillian!
Gennifer!
Judy Ken Sebben's office.

Energy.

Benjy, you're so annoying.

Aah!
Look at yourself.

You need help.

You're going to die.

Then I'm going to die,
and nobody's going to know
until a corpse dog
sniffs me out because you
have no friends and
you're always at work.

I have everything
under control.

I can't let you find out
that Judy is Birdgirl.

I know she's Birdgirl.

Energy.

- Ahem.

- Did I do something wrong?
Gillian, some things have been
falling through the cracks.

And not just the one
on your face.

I think it'd be best to get
the assistants together
- on the same page.

- Uh, let me go get them.

Yeah.

Whew.

Energy.

Energy.

The gig is up, Gennifer.

Or should I say Gillian?
Gillian, you don't
have to do this anymore.

No! I'm Gingerfer.

I'm Gengillian.

Gillian, stop.

You're making it worse.

It is with great sadness,
uh, that we must force you
to use your five months
of unused vacation time.

Fired?!
You're firing me?
Let's just put her in a coma.

I'm the only one strong
enough to keep the secret.

I'm the only one you can trust!
I gave my everythi-i-i-ng!♪

And now I'm fired!
You don't run from me, missy!
No, you don't run
No, there is no Birdgirl.

No, you shut up!
There's no Birdgirl without me!
- Or me!
- Or me!
I'm the keeper of the secret!
I'm Judy's assistant!
I'm all Judy's assistants!
Oh, my god.

You can't see her change
into her costume!
Carl, we're gonna lose
the house.

Eileen, I'll get another job.

Maybe I'll get a job, too.

God damn it, Eileen.

Don't say that.

How'd that cat get in here?
Cassie!
40 pounds of dry-aged
wagyu beef.

- The real missing dead see scrolls.

- A Ferrari!
The forgotten Klimt painting!
We're gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

The cat's lick.

It's
Pointing to heaven.

That's right.

She's an angel cat.

- Unlock the door ♪
- and set it free ♪
- Unlock the door ♪
- and let it be ♪
Unlock the door
and follow ♪
Oh, no, they're out of
that cute leopard print
Gennifer wears seamlessly
from morning to evening.

Hey!
You shouldn't be out.

Let's get you home.

Whoa!
Gillian!
Gillian!
Oh, sorry.

I'll find your wet food.

Aw, Gillian.

Must protect boss.

We're so tired.

- Shh.

- What happened?
Pretty sure we're gonna
make the news again.

You can watch tomorrow.

I was just trying to protect you.

Gillian, we're all
just regular people
trying to do the best we can,
- and you're better than best.

- You mean it?
Yes, but you suck
at taking care of yourself.

Rest, and tomorrow we can
talk about that vacation.

Wow, that sounds nice.

Whew.
Boy, I can
I can really smell that.

Hoo!
Birdcat, coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two
Relax.

Half a mil in the black.

When folks saw that
the stress of working for you
turned your assistant
into a three-headed monster,
some of them decided to
pursue other opportunities.

A lot of people quit.

Veggie gumbo, extra tomatoes.

- When is Gillian back?
- I hate that guy.

Hey, who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Wins a fight,
unique like pearls ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Ultra fierce and so unique ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Hey, Birdgirl! ♪
Hey ♪
Previous EpisodeNext Episode