Birdgirl (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

Topple the Popple

1
Pleasure doing business
with you.

Oh, nice cat.

- She is not my cat.

- Oh!
She's mine, and she's a boy.

Who are you?
I'm Birdgirl.

Ugh.

Sort of in the middle
of something.

Is it more important
than the all-staff
you're not at?
- Say hi to Judy, everyone.

- Hi, Judy.

Give me 10 minutes.

I got to bolt,
so I'll take the flash drive
and the money,
and in exchange,
I promise not to hurt you.

Oops, forgot about me.

She didn't.

I'm joking!
Birdgirl!
Get her off me!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪♪
Hey! Hey! ♪
Birdgirl!
Which is why
a lot of people have told me
I should be a slam poet.

Birdgirl!
Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Speaking of which,
I know it feels like
time has passed us by here
at Sebben & Sebben,
but it hasn't.

We've just been waiting for
our time to launch our company
into the future
with the Internet!
How's this affect
the sandwich board teams?
Let's meet in my office
to discuss.

To show the world we're ethical,
progressive,
that we're turning things
around.

And our first uh
I'd like to announce that
we're redesigning
the Topple Popple can.

- Wow.

- I mean, look at it.

It's as wide as it is tall.

It's not a can.
It's a
Oh, my God, you're right.

It is.

Let's all applaud Judy
for making bold suggestions!
You're here to announce
that e-mail thing.

Oh, right.
Our first step
in modernizing the company,
I give you
It's mail time!
Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪
Ugh.
You can turn
that off, right?
- Mm.

- You can turn that off.

Yeah!
It's mail time!
- My first e-mail.

- Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪
Whoops! You got phished.

Now proceed with
this three-minute
Internet security training video.

Now that we have a website, we
need to choose a photo of you.

That's right.

People will say,
"I wonder who leads this company.
"
- And they'll click "leadership"
- Expecting to see a man.

But they won't see a man.

They'll see "hands clasped,
slightly off desk, strong,
powerful" CEO
or "hands resting on desk" CEO.

They're just like us.

Are those the only choices?
I look gross.

"Hands off desk.
"
It says, "Yes, a woman
runs this company,
but there's no reason to panic.

- She's got this.
"
- Hands clasped.

She's aware
how everyone expects her
to fail, wants her to fail.

But guess what?
She's not gonna fail.

Because she can't and
will communicate all that.

- In a picture.

- Guys, I really want to change
the Topple Popple can.

- You're the CEO.
Do it.

- Really?
- Well, after you-run it past the board.

- Oh.

Ow!
Come on, come on!
Aah!
Oh, Father of Light,
it's just a dream.

Ow!
Come on, come on!
Oh, Father of Light,
it's just a dream.

But something still feels off.

It's back!
- So, turning our focus to Asia
- Cut the shit Judy.

What aren't you telling us?
Everything
I'm telling you.

When you lie,
your forehead swells.

That's why I always
taught you at canasta.

Oh, my God.

I look like an empanada.

What's that in the folder?
What, this?
This is bullshit!
Your dad designed that can
on a cocktail napkin.

People travel thousands of miles
to have sex with their sig-o's
next to that statue downstairs.

Look, I'm not saying
They do?
Have you discussed this
with Carlo?
As Topple brand manager,
I think he'd like
to have a say in this.

This isn't the end.

It's a beginning.

The beefy-handed can still enjoy
a cold Topple Popple,
and now so can everyone else.

When I first started here,
your father made a project
of me me,
a dog from down there.

Who was I to walk among giants?
But your dad saw something.

Know what he told me, Judy?
"Don't touch the can.

Never touch the can,
not even to drink from it.
"
Maybe it was
because I was a dog.

I've made up my mind.
In fact,
- I just approved the new design.

- Bullshit!
You want to do this?
Go ahead.

Call the factory.

Call the factory
your father built
to make one thing
the Topple Popple can
and tell him
you want to change it.

Charlie, what is all this?
Quick on-camera thing,
all softball.

Focus on the future.

We're here with Judy Ken Sebben,
CEO of Sebben & Sebben
and the custodian of beloved
soda pop Topple Popple
until today, when she,
a female CEO, killed it.

No! The product's
not going anywhere.

It's just being repackaged.

We're making the cans slimmer.

Why would you do that?
- So people can pick it up.

- Women people, right?
But only the manliest drinkers
can handle Topple.

Pop me another Popple,
Farmer Phil.

People love the can.

I mean, why are you
destroying that?
Uh, Sebben & Sebben
will always honor its past.

Aah!
Sebben &
Sebben will always honor its past.

Paul, when I saw you
on the appointment list,
I was a little surprised.

I haven't seen you
since you were 9?
It's been a while, hasn't it?
So, what brings you in today?
Well, I need a dick check
from someone who's been there.

It's a miracle, Dr.
Sheila.

My foreskin's back!
That's impossible.

I snipped you mysel
Oh!
It's beautiful.

I know.
But in a way,
it does make emotional sense.

Foreskins are highly sensitive,
and I'm a person who's always
deeply felt things,
and not just in my penis.

This company's been asleep
at the wheel,
and now we're finally
doing something.

What's next?
Let's burn some shit down.

I should take off my bra.

This stuff is really good.

Why didn't anyone tell me?
Gillian, you've been
a big ally in this,
and there haven't been
a lot of allies.

I've been an ally.
I've had your
[bleep.]
back through this.

Which is why I'm putting you
both in charge
of, uh, the rebrand.

Ooh, my head.

This stuff is rat poison.

I'm sorry.

Teaming us up?
We'll do a ton of premiums.

Um, and I have a TikTok content
strategy locked and loaded.

Ugh!
We got another one.

- Another one?
- It's been happening all morning.

The last one was dressed
like an actual can.

We got a vintage Topple tee.

I warned you, anytime you
[bleep.]
with a classic product,
there's gonna be some blowback.

You didn't warn me.

Well, I should have.

Don't be alarmed, Paul.

I know this is a lot to process.

Talking foreskin?
Oh, not really.

What's your name?
- It's Graham.

- Oh, pleasure.

Uh, there's a good chance
you're killing Dr.
Sheila.

She's fine.

I just knocked her out
so we can have
a man-to-skin conversation.

Oh, that makes sense.

Question why me, Graham?
Why here? Why me,
why here, why now?
I belong to an ancient people
of sensitivity and feeling
who once thundered
by the millions
across the plains
of what you call North America.

But when, through a spyglass,
we spotted strange ships
on the horizon,
we sensed danger.

We knew these men
would prioritize inhibitions
over the mystical range
of full feeling.

- Well, I sure don't.

- Which is why I'm here.

I'm super active in
the genital-autonomy movement.

We meet at the church Thursdays.

I have a few bear claws,
me and a few other intactivists.

Oh, Paul sweet,
sweet, sensitive Paul.

You're just like your father.

You knew my dad?
Oh!
That thing attacked me!
Security!
Aim for the dick!
No, wait!
No, wait, please stop!
Graham! Graham, wait!
Foreskin Gra-a-a-a-aham!
It's mail time!
- My second e-mail.

- Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪
Ba-ba-dum ♪
Firewall breach!
DDoS!
We have your information
Judy's information.

Contact you at 2:00,
Topple Nation.

Ooh!
Topple Popple.

A new day is here
where women and children
and the terminally ill
can finally raise a cold one
and join the Topple team.

Plus, apparently,
we have a tag line
that I may or may not
have heard.

Get your hand around it.

- Hadn't heard that.

- I kind of like it.

"Get your hand around it.
"
Who wants to see
the new T-shirt design?
We have to assume they've seen
everything, know everything.

- Evie, what's the plan?
- How should I know?
You're 10, goddamn' it.

You know this stuff.

So, I cruised the Topple boards,
and I organized
all the online hate comments
about Judy into categories.

There's "weird,"
"weird-violent,"
"weird-sexual,"
angry-weird,"
"angry-sexual," and "funny.
"
My assessment is that Judy needs
to get the [bleep.]
out of Dodge.

Where you ask?
To my safe house
for people
who've been canceled online.

- Please charge that.

- Remember the racist grandpa
who pushed the 7-year-old
off the pony?
No, you don't, because
- he's in my safe house.

- Help!
Your cot's waiting for you.

It's 2:00.

This is Judy.

This is Topple Nation.

He's got cancer.

What do you want?
One, publicly admit
you made a horrible mistake
- in changing-the Topple can.

- No, I won't.

Two, admit that you are
unqualified to lead the company
- your father built from nothing.

- No, I won't.

Three, apologize
for being a dumb bitch.

Nobody says that to my Judy!
I'm not apologizing,
and I'm not changing the can.

We hoped you'd say that.

We just published your
phone number online.

Judy, this is Balls of Gordo
and Balls on Power 101.

Permission to speak on air.

Release whatever you want.

Mer, Gillian,
continue the Topple launch.

Jude, you know I support you,
but I don't want to get murdered
over a soda can.

Which is why
Brian's joining you.

If anyone's getting murdered,
it's him.

You two use the hate posts
- to track down Topple Nation.

- A walk?
Come on, kid.

Welcome to Prepucian.

I have to say, in man's world,
I felt out of place,
but here, I belong.

- As did your father.

- Oh, please tell me about him.

When they take a baby away
for circumcision
- Yes.

- we offer money
in exchange for
the child's foreskin.

I did not know that.

Those who won't sell
are our hope
- for a common peace.

- And my dad didn't sell.

- Oh, he sold.

- Okay.

For about 7 bucks
in today's dollars.

- Uh-huh.

- He felt guilty
and spent months
wandering in the wilderness
until we found him, half wild,
and nursed him back to health.

He became one with us.

Many of us spent time
on his penis.

Isn't this just the best?
Our first product launch.

Yo, dudes, it's the
mother[bleep.]
Topple girls.

Okay, we're not
the Topple girls, are we?
We're gonna sell
so much soda today.

Allow me to introduce you
to the foreskin
who saved your father.

Paul, this is Miriam.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Paul.

Oh, thank you for everything, Miriam,
especially for
a satisfying explanation
of why my father
walked away from us.

- What's that?
- It's a transmitter.
It's like 6G.

- Hmm.

- And that's an altar for the sacrifice.

Oh.
What are you sacrificing?
Aah!
Oh!
What's going on?
Graham! Ugh!
Your father was going to be
the bridge
between humans and foreskins,
two cultures united in love
and sensuality,
and you came along and ruined
everything by being born!
Aah!
I know this smell.

And now you shall die!
- Live.

- On Instagram.

He's released your
bank-account info
and your Social Security number.

Oh, Jude,
he just released your sex tape.

Why didn't you just tell me
you had a sex tape?
Because there is no sex tape.

Then what do they think
they have?
Oh!
Glenn, we're six hours in
to the leaked
Judy Ken Sebben video,
and there's still no sex.

So I guess we can call it
a no-sex tape.

I set up a webcam
so I could check on Sir Peter
Pants when I'm not home.

Lots of cat, no sex.

This is a billion times worse
than a sex tape.

Maybe I didn't have my coffee
strong enough this morning.

I don't know.
I mean,
this is just a waste of time
for the viewers.

I'm sick of this shit.

Get me a wireless account
and a laptop.

You know, we got to
get you one of these.

Where in the hell is Brian?
He's the one who's supposed to
be murdered!
Uh, shouldn't you have scanned
that laptop for the Topple virus
before giving it to Jessica
from accounting?
Charlie
check your Wi-Fi.

It's dead.

You're a genius.

Graham, why?
We now summon Instagram stories.

What the [bleep.]
.

Ow!
Hey, guys, it's Miriam.

I know I was gonna show
you how to do a two-minute
eyebrow hack, but I thought
I'd switch things up.

So today we're gonna sacrifice
a real, live human.

Firewall breach, DDoS.

- Ugh! What the?
- We have your information.

Someone check the router.

Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Don't kill me, Graham!
Hush, man, hush.

I can't kill you.

It's not in my character.

If I get us out of here, you
have to help me with something.

- Deal?
- Deal.

- Slap it.

- Ow.

How'd the launch go?
- It was
- Pbht!
Birdvan phone.

Well-done, Judy.

How'd you know we were
calling from a landline?
You like old-fashioned soda.

Wasn't rocket science.

Is that a phone line, in a van?
Only line that works right now.

We used the virus to wreck
the city network.

Oh, if you thought the no-sex
tape was embarrassing,
just wait till we release
your CEO head shots.

Gross!
And all of your medical records,
including gynecological.

Got it!
It's only a couple miles away.

Hey, maybe we should
check these people out.

- Yes?
- You like Topple Popple, do you?
Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that a crime?
Not yet.
Those are some real
meat hooks you got there
big and beefy.

Birdgirl!
Guys, we've got
the wrong address.

Oh!
Look, let me do this.

I understand this guy.

- Let me bring him out alone.

- You've got five minutes.

Nobody move!
Hello? Hello?
It's just me here, I'm afraid.

I know how you feel.

You don't know anything
about me.

Disaffected, irrelevant.

Brian, Brian!
It's not what you think!
The world changes,
but you're the same.

Brian!
Nobody move!
Show us your hands.

You're a woman?
And your hands,
they're magnificent.

Step away from the mouse pad.

Make me.

I had a whole spiel
thinking you'd be a guy.

Not a guy.

Just a lady with
big paws who likes her soda.

Why are you wearing a GoPro?
Legal reasons.

Helen and I were together
37 years,
but then my host body, David,
fell ill and passed away.

We could no longer be with her.

She was the love of my life,
Helen, and she's in that house.

Wait.
When you said David,
did you mean
Yes, Paul.

Your father.

And when you say
house, you mean
- A house.

- Aha.

Oh, I don't like this.

What's going on in there?
Let's just see, shall we?
I think we shall.

Brian?
1, 2, 1, 2.

It's been five minutes.
Help!
You're the one in the costume.

Ow!
Shouldn't you be on my side
rooting for me?
I'm all for women CEOs
as long as they
keep their hands
off my cans.

You need any help in there?
No.
We got this.

It's over.

Topple is poppled.

The important thing is all your
ladies' medical secrets are safe.

- You're welcome.

- Um, why is a picture of my hooha trending?
Probably because
I cloned all our files,
sent them to all
the major news outlets,
and told them to release it
if they didn't hear from me.

It's called a failsafe.

It's in every spy movie,
and it works.

You send it to the press
- If you want it to get out
- Not keep it a secret
You [bleep.]
idiot.

Yes, David was my one and only.

I miss him horribly.

Well, what if you could share
a piece of David again,
if just for a moment?
Helen!
Graham!
Oh, I somehow wish
I could step away.

Well, we should probably
be a-moseying down the road.

What's going on
with you two?
You are about to have
the best half-hour of your life.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

New feelings.

Stay here with us,
live as a thrupple.

There's absolutely nothing
for you out there.

No, I must go.

I have values.

I'm not gutter trash
like you two.

But through all this,
I somehow feel changed.

Now I have a responsibility
to bring feeling back to mankind!
It's my power now!
New Topple Popple slim cans,
Topple Popple classic cans.

If you a fake fan,
get you that new
Topple Popple slim can light.

If you a day-one real one,
stick with that
Topple Popple classic.

Sure, that slim-can Topple
new new is 50% cheaper.

But that classic can
is 50% realer.

Get your hand around that!
Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Wings of fire,
unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Who's the one
they came to see? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Ultra fierce and so unique ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Hey! Hey! ♪
Birdgirl!
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