Birdgirl (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

Baltimo

1
And our commerce site
is almost live.

Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Oh, right.

We didn't have the Internet.

A product's about to drop.

Wait.
We just sold 500
boxes of old office supplies
- at 24 bucks a pop?
- We like to think of it more as
a consumer-defined
vintage-organization experience.

Uh, but yeah.

- How much markup is that?
- 700%.

Uh
Okay.

It's a, uh, 700% markup.

Alright.

70%?!
Uh, is that the the decimal?
Another drop coming.

When these two suggested
we use all this
old, unsold Sebben & Sebben
stuff and market it
as curated experiences,
I thought they were high.

- We were.

- We were.

They were high,
but even impaired,
they found a way to make an old
company sort of relevant again.

They did it.

You all did it, even Paul.

- He did it.

- Whoa! Gah!
We did it, you guys.

I know it's cheesy,
but we're a team.
I'll say it.

We're a team of heroes
who saved the company
and sometimes save
Jude?
Jude?
- Fuke?
- the world.

You guys are heroes.

You make me feel whole.

And as a token of appreciation,
I've had a costume made
for each of you.

Halloween?
- Mm, Bird Team.

- Ugh!
Ooh, mama.

A Eurocup thigh hole,
fortified junk pouch.

It is like you crawled
inside my brain.

It is super body-positive,
so that's something.

You don't like it?
None of you like the costumes!
I do.
[Bleep.]
them.

Right, Judy?
Jude, you know how you're
the boss and we work
for you, even though our
name's not on the company?
It's the same with Bird Team,
except we don't get paid,
and it's kind of a
- the
- Pain in the ass.

We're happy to back you up,
but "team" might be
overstating it.

- What would you call it?
- A good hang.

It's a good hang,
until someone texts "You up?"
That's new.

Uh, what do
the other buttons do?
Just go.

You're on your own, Jude.

Hey! Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Who is the
girl that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Hey! ♪
Birdgirl!
I'll do everything in my power
to make this right, sir.

What's that?
I am somebody's
daughter, you pig.

Gil, I'm feeling a little empty,
like there's a pit in my stomach.

Want to grab a bagel
to fill the pit?
I'd like nothing more than to
fill your pit, but I can't.

You can't.

Right, right, right.

- I know it's last-minute.

- It's the experience boxes.

There are some
minor-ish problems.

Hold, please.

Hold, please.
Hold, please.
Go away!
It turns out stuff is disappearing.

It's been happening all morning.

Huh.

Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

I'd love to go
on my lunch break!
The company's going
down in flames.

Perhaps you'd like to hear why.

I'm talking over here.

Hello?
1997, we designed a phone,
and it was good.

Problem was,
it didn't have enough heft.

An office phone needs heft.

Should be hard to lift
because you're at work,
and it should feel like work
when you use it.

When you hang it up hard,
you want the person
on the other end to feel you
hang up in their stomach.

And when you throw it
across the room at someone
to underline a point,
that person should feel it!
Our engineers spent months
trying to crack it.

Nothing until one day,
your dad made a discovery
A deposit of a mysterious mineral.

It wasn't pretty,
but it was one thing,
and it was a lot of that thing.

It was heavy.

So this clever bastard
in engineering
had the notion to make
the phones out of this stuff.

But it didn't just add heft.

It made everything feel better.

We called it Baltimo.

We put the stuff
into every single product
Sebben & Sebben produced.

So, I don't understand
how a mineral makes
products disappear.

- Um, Baltimo has a half-life.

- We've known for years,
but the half-life
was well beyond
the projected end of the world.

- Which was when?
- 2015, of course,
- when the world ended.

- That's a gripping story,
but what am I supposed
to do about it?
Since it's only in stuff
in the curated boxes,
if you just approve refunds,
the problem's solved.

I'm sorry.

What's the Baltimo Project?
I'm shocked your dad
never told you.

Everything in Sebben Town
I want a personal briefing
on the Baltimo Project
in my office, you understand?
But first, I have to deliver a letter.

Your refund's being processed.

Yes, your refund's
being processed.

- Aah!
- Hey, buddy.
What's this?
Read the envelope.

"To be opened 25 years following
the event of my death.
"
Hey!
"Dear Meredith, I am dead now
and but a distant memory,
if you remember me at all.

We were friends once,
or at least I was.
"
Alright.

Stop being a weirdo.

If the Bird
is that important to you,
we'll just keep doing it.

To me, the Bird Team is more than
well, it's all in the letter.

Just know that the words
"bird" or "team"
- will never cross my lips again.

- Really?
Ugh.
Can we talk
about this later?
Sure.
No problem.

Oh, at the bottom
is the playlist for my memorial.

Yes, your refund's
being processed.

Yes, your refund's being processed.

Gillian, I forgot
my password again.

Gillian!
You shouldn't have
stuck your nose in.

- It's done.

- She's so pretty when she's sleeping
and when she is awake, too.

- Okay, I'm bored.

- I got an idea.

The stomach issues
you've been having
the past couple of days,
it's from Baltimo.

You were the first human
to ingest it.

- The Baltimo Project.

- Nah.
That's something else.

Ow!
You found a jar of it
on your dad's desk,
and you used to put every
goddamn thing in your mouth.

Whoa.
Oh, oh!
Who-o-o-o-o-a!
Then it occurred to your dad
if it makes everything better,
why not a daughter?
Soon it was sprinkled
on your cereal,
stuffed in your animals.

The guy you went to the
prom with, 100% Baltimo.

Colin was Baltimo?
Now it's disappearing
and leaving holes in you,
and not just metaphorical ones.

- You're on your own, Jude.

- Actually, you're not.

We built an entire test town
made of Baltimo
next to the mine
Sebben Town.

The Baltimo Project.

Way off the beaten path, woodsy.

And you signed the order
to sell it
so we don't get sued
before it disintegrates
around all 462 of them.

But they'll be okay.

I sent them a bundt cake
from Kohler's.

I brought you here
to save your life.

You might have led with this,
given everything in a town
with my name on it
is disintegrating.

Roofie hankie!
You know, I'm thinking we should
- play honest assessment.

- What's that?
I look at the real you
and say the most awful,
but true things I can, and
the first one to cry loses
or wins.
I forget.

The only role is
it's got to be honest.

But I was raised to never say
anything honest to a woman.

I'll go first.

Your chest has
3 1/2 months' growth,
which means you last
shaved when you went home
for Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah.

I see that fat stomach.

You ate so much stuffing.

So you could go to the local bar,
cruise the girl you went to
school with,
and bring her back to your
parents' house to the attic.

Oh, yeah! Booyah!
It's in the details.

Turn your head slightly.

Your dad slept with her, too.

How'd I do?
Huh.

I'm gonna grab a water.

- No water! Your turn.

- Uh, I can't
Okay.
I'll go again.

You were absolutely terrible.

No, no, no, no, no!
No, no.
I'll I'll go.

Y-Your, um
Your a-a-a-ass could be
rounder for my taste.

Yeah, see, that isn't one.

What? Why?
You've got to drill into my soul
and tell me something
I can't even admit to myself,
like, "Brian, nobody ever talks
about your hairline.
"
Oops! Aah! Lose a turn, Gillian.

Not true.

Really?
The Eostre cards go in this slot!
JonBenét!
Okay.

Whoa! Hey!
Whoo, my, my.

Alright,
it's a sale on Eostre cards.

Where are we?
Five klicks south-southeast
of Sebben Town.

Are you insane?
It's disappearing.

You and my dad built
a town out of Baltimo.

You're gonna help fix it.

Want to know something
about your dad and me?
I promised him I'd make you
a leader in his image
sadistic, sexual, selfish,
scornful, supercilious
- all the "S" words.

- I get it.

Ha ha!
Take us back to the clinic, Judy.

Don't make me go feral.

Relax.

I'm not gonna force you
to come with me
to save hundreds of people.

There's a parachute
in the bench.

Before I go, I need to
tell you something
the BM-1136 lag bolt
87% Baltimo.

Found in copy machines,
office chairs, and
helicopter rotors.

I'm sorry, Judy.

Next to my dad,
you're the biggest
disappointment of my life!
Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t!
Aah!
What do you want from us, stranger?
It's okay!
I come in peace.

Aah!
Stop, please!
I'm from Sebben & Sebben,
and I'm here to save you.

Phil Ken Sebben, the founder?
- Yes! I'm his daughter.

- Judy?
She has returned!
She has returned!
I have actually never been here,
but I do have one of those faces
people think they went
on a date with.

Not you.
Her.

She has returned.

She has returned.

Holy shit.

- You're lonely.

- Duh.
Who isn't?
And
And you invented this game
so you could say
mean things to people
just so you can project
your self-loathing onto them.

- I'm listening.

- Uh, l-let's see.

The only reason anyone, uh,
pretends to like you
is because you work
for a rich, single woman
and they think
there's a possibility
she'll leave everything to you.

And because you'll die alone,
they think they'll get your money.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm so sorry.

- Gotcha.

- Yes, your refund's being processed.

No, my name's not really Vivian.

That's it, the last one.

Hi.
Uh, where's Judy?
- At the spa in the boonies
- Where they drug the guests
and everyone shows up
unconscious.

What?
What are we doing here?
- Bird Team business.

- God damn it!
We said we were not
gonna do this! Go on.

A little about myself
I'm not much of a joiner,
but, big sigh, uh, Judy needs
me us, the Bird Team,
for an actual
large-type problem.

- Yeah.
I've got a thing.

- I'm in.

They fed her Baltimo
when she was a kid,
and now she's disappearing.

She does put every
goddamn thing in her mouth.

So, where's this town?
An entire town made of Baltimo?
I may be of some help.

It all started
when my foreskin
- We don't care.

- Okay.

Ooh.

Yep, Birdgirl's been
our patron from the start.

Wha This is your money?
Yep.
I mean, it doesn't go
quite as far these days.

Says the fellow who dropped
980 Phils for his house.

- So, you know Birdgirl, do you?
- Yes, I do.

I'm her representative
until she gets here.

Wow! I thought you were
as close as you could get,
but you've just got closer.

Well, we'll squeeze in a visit
to the Baltimo mines.

It cures what ails ya.

I'm getting a real strong pull.

God, we're coming for you, Juju.

So every movie
features Birdgirl?
Every single one.

She's our hero.

Yours too, I'd imagine.

Sausage?
No, thanks.

You guys eat Baltimo, don't you?
I tell you what,
every day and every way,
just like Birdgirl tells us to.

Delicious,
nutritious Baltimilk.

As Birdgirl says
It's Balterrific.

When the market for Baltimo
dried up,
Birdgirl told us to eat it.

I tell you right now, that's
how she kept our economy
alive and prospering
well, that and the 91-hour
work week, of course.

Yep.
Kids used to go to school
until Birdgirl told us
they were more valuable
working the mines.

Oh, my God.
She did?
Yeah.
When Birdgirl returns,
as foretold by the prophecy,
she'll lead us
to even better days.

Guys, if you're wondering
why you're so tired
or missing a limb, it's Baltimo.

Jude, Jude, wake up.

Mer, tell the guys I'm sorry
for taking them for granted.

Guys, Judy's sorry for
taking you for granted.

I read your letter,
all nine scrolls of it.

You got nothing to apologize for.

We're your friends.

Next time, say it and spray it,
but don't write it.

Outsiders! Kill them!
Kill the hippies!
Hippie? In this jumpsuit?
Please.

Good townspeople,
don't harm them.

They're my friends.

- Kill her!
- Oh, boy.

What?
You look worse
since you lost weight,
- I didn't lose weight.

- Huh.

Your favorite color is blue.

That's all you got?
Your favorite color is blue.

You pay cash for things
just so someone will touch you.

I do.
That's true.

- You have no online presence.

- I don't know what that means.

You've made zero impression
on anybody, anywhere, ever.

I can't.

You're an awful person.

I'm an awful person.

Who'd even invent this game?
You win.
Is that what
you want to hear? You win?
Yes, yes, it is.

- Want to play backgammon?
- Sure.

It started as a crazy
marketing stunt
that got out of hand.

Birdgirl was just a shill
for Baltimo.

But now she's a God.

I really can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but, uh, we got to
get the costumes.

Where is Paul?
Alright.
Swing to the right.

Swing to the left.

Get the costumes
to the theater, stat.

On it.

Good townspeople.

It was foretold, and it is her.

It is her,
and she's here to save you.

They're clapping their arms off.

I know.
Can you believe it?
Oh.

Oh, God.

Tell them to stop clapping.

Oh, God.

Not the old lady.

Not the old lady.

Evie, you're the cure.

I talk to buildings.

What, I can't talk to molecules?
No! The Baltimo
is what's hurting you!
Use reason!
Think about it!
Don't bother.

You guys already
filled the hole in me
the metaphorical one.

You were my team.

Not the old lady.

It's done.

Turns out it's not.

Aah!
It's gonna blow!
The dam, not his [bleep.]
.

Aah! Aah!
Bird Team go!
It's done.

There are still people
in the mines!
Fine, I'll go.

Hell of a golf shot.

Does she scare you
just a tiny bit?
Who, her?
Yes.

Even though we weren't
saved from total destruction,
thankfully, Birdgirl and her
friends have generously offered
to relocate everyone
while they rebuild Sebben Town
exactly as it was,
but way better.

- We have?
- Eh, that may have been me
on behalf of the team.

I speak for Judy Ken Sebben
when I say it's a new day
at Sebben & Sebben.

She will atone for the sins
of her father
and clean up this mess
- While not admitting guilt.

- Whoa!
A little Baltimo's still
in there, huh, Jude?
Welcome to the Nest.

This is just a little something
I threw together
when I was a little too into us.

- Yuck, right?
- I hate this height.

Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Ultra fierce and so unique ♪
Hey! Birdgirl! ♪
Birdgirl! Hey!
Hey! ♪
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