Birdgirl (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

The Wanky

As you all know,
I don't have kids
- That we know of.

- Pbht!
But we can all agree
that kids are fantastic.

Look, there's one now!
Hey, Evie!
What's that in your hand?
The box you just gave me.

- Uh-huh.
What's in it?
- ATax Planner Toby?
Oh, can I play?!
He comes with
his own spreadsheets
and a booklet on tax dodges!
Lemme look at that.

Introducing our new toy line!
Sebben & Sebben: We Do Kids!
Something you'd like to share
with the class, Brad?
Uh, no, I was just asking why
kids isn't spelled with a "Z.
- Leave.

- This is bullshit!
We have been trying to break
into the kid market for years.

- Tiny clothes, deep pockets.

- And incredibly easy to exploit.

Glad we could be of help.

Besides Toby,
there's Measure Me Miles,
a measuring stick that comes
in three fun colors
which are all
the same.

And My Little Kidney Kleaner,
a play dialysis machine
with a dolly
whose "wet" function is

Hey, what say
we get someone who had
a happy childhood
to oversee the toy line?
Oh, my god.
You don't think I
know a fun toy when I see one.

I'll have you know I had
a goddamn great childhood
with [bleep.]
awesome toys!
I'll show you.

I'll show all of you!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Uh, six inches sharp.

Got it, got it, got it.

Here it is.

What exactly is that?
Oh, sweet Jesus!
Don't move!
Don't move, she says.

Ben's always an option
if I'm hard up, but it's like
can I deal
with the talking afterwards?
- Guys! I found it!
- What is that?
My Wanky!
- It's so fun!
- And just like that, she's lost it.

This puppy and I were best
friends when I was a kid.

Spaghetti dinner!
- I mean
- You know what that looks like.


A super fun toy that I love.

Come on.

It looks like a vintage schlong.

From the Perv Ages.

You know what,
with the right branding,
this could take the adult
toy market by storm.

Make billions.

Retire early.
Buy boats.

The Wanky is for children!
Jude, masturbation is
Freddie Prinze Jr, Freddie Prinze Jr,
- Freddie Prinze Jr.

- Look, at some point,
we really need to unpack
your sexual repression,
but thankfully,
I have a conference call.

Right now?
Can you push it five?
- Why?
- I have a flashback planned.

Yes, love a flashback.

Hold on, I'm texting
Donna to push the call.

Donna pushing a call?
- Hurry!
- Hold your squirt.
When my dad was in town
for Fisc-Que
Pagan festival at the start
of every fiscal quarter.

- Ah.

- he used to take me to this magical
little toy shop across town
run by this adorable elderly man
with an indeterminate
European accent.

My dad saw how much I
treasured it, because one day
Daddy, you remembered Christmas!
Est-ce vraiment possible?
Mon branleur et moi.

Qui a besoin
d'amis ou de famille?
Quand tu as un branleur
comme moi!
Ooohh, things are about
to get sexy!
I wonder if that store's
still there?
Holy shit, it is!
I got a clam.

You got a clam?
Call 911!
- Mr.
- Wha?
- [Bleep.]
- You hookers can't keep
coming in here to use my toilet!
You're right adorable.

You know, I'd sit over there
for hours playing
with this sweet
malnourished peasant boy.

Oh, yes, Devon.

My son.

- Doing 7 to 10 upstate.

- That's great.

Claude, look what I found!
Ach, that thing ruined my life!
Get it away!
I used to love
watching you tobble.

When you were done, you'd sprinkle
a little magic dust over the toy
which meant it was
ready for its new home.

Not dust, the salt from tears,
which turned sadness
to goddamned joy.

Claude, I have an idea.

- Which she hasn't run past us.

- Judy, no!
We're going to re-release
the Wanky!
Danke, no.

No, my tobbling days are over.

After the superstore opened,
no one wanted
handmade toys anymore.

Oooh, that one slipped by me.

Man knew how to use a "Z.
- Oh!
- I know what you're thinking.

What does this bimbo know
about tobbling,
what with her gender-neutral
shoes and taste
for expensive infused waters?
But listen here, when I set
my mind to help someone,
I help 'em.
Even if
they're begging me to stop.

That's the Judy guarantee.

Ah, Christ, the Judy guarantee.

Achtzig/zwanzig split,
full ownership of IP.

- Deal!
- Are we still in the flashback?
Then Mr.
Claude gave up
his passion for reasons
I feel a fair amount
of familial responsibility for,
and I have given him
the Judy guarantee.

- Ugh!
- Uch, the Judy guarantee?
- Really?
- Can she guarantee
everyone gets a goddamn chair?
So, against two people's
better judgment,
I'm building him
a workshop downstairs.

Who's in?
How do you even hold this?
- My hands are asleep.

- Ah, it looks like a little dicky.

Spitballing here, but maybe
we zhoosh it up a bit
- for modern kids?
- You wanna sell that to kids?
- It looks like my mom's
- Skeet Ulrich!
This seems like a great time
to take some PTO.

If we're actually gonna do this,
I suppose Charlie and I
could handle the Wanky
redesign and marketing.

I suppose we could.

I understand that as a CEO,
you have to be very careful
what you say, but I hear you.

And it's time others did, too.

I am on it.

Let go of my pinky, Paul.

Whadya say we have
a little girls' lunch?
Is this the lunch I've been
ducking for 14 years?
We'll talk redesign
over some hot apps.

You like hot apps,
don't you, pretty girl?
- Lukewarm.

- Jude, we're a little worried
all the childhood nostalgia
is causing you to

Do you take time for yourself?
I mean not necessarily
with the Wanky,
although it is
the perfectly designed
- Crab cakes!
- Stop doing that.

Enjoying crab cakes?
I'll never stop doing that,
and that's a goddamn promise.

I don't know why you guys
are so obsessed with this,
but if you must know,
I've had buckets of orgasms.

- Pbht!
- Of course,
like all high-powered
business women,
"me time"
can slip through the cracks.

That's why I have Gillian
schedule it as "wash hair.
- You schedule getting off?
- Five minutes?!

The last three I wash my hair.

Look, I'm comfortable with my

I just don't shout about it.

Plus, after 90 seconds,
I get sweaty.

Look, we just want you to be
open to the possibility
that the Wanky might be
more than just a childhood toy.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Oh, I used to grind on my Furby
like there was no tomorrow.

I'll have the scallops,
and we weren't talking
about masturbation.

I would like to welcome you
all to Paul's 100%
company-sanctioned sexuality
in the workplace seminar.

- And Brian's.

- A short time ago,
our brave leader
took my hand and said,
"Paul, go forth and declare
that Seabben & Seabben
- Sebben.

- Sure.

"is a sex-positive workplace.
on she/her/hers behalf,
let us acknowledge we're humans
with sexual needs that
don't stop at the security desk.

- This is a trick!
- Sit down!
Okay, now, before we begin
this day-long
immersive experience,
let's pick out where we fall
on the sexuality spectrum.

Does anyone know
what autosexual means?
- Yeah, is lunch provided?
- Go [bleep.]
yourself, Josh.


Autosexual is an individual
who prefers masturbation
over sexual intercourse.

Does anyone identify
with that term?

Come on.

Saturday when the wife's
at the craft store,
you're doin' a little slobby nobby?
Okay, took the ride,
got the sticker.

Not me.

Just a vanilla hetero-dude.

You know what, It's okay
if you don't know where
you fall on the sexuality
spectrum just yet.

That's what today is for, people.


Now, follow me
and make sure to stay with
your designated buddy.

You might have a future.

Next stop,
the computer everyone uses
to download porn.

Your new state-of-the-art
toy workshop!
Eat shit, Santa.

If you hate it,
we can burn it to the ground
- and start again.

- I can't make toys here.

- There's no magic.

- Oh, no?
One bottle of magic dust
or I hope it is.

It wasn't labeled.

- You reached it!
- It's literally four feet up.

But I think the magic
might be gone.

We'll just make more magic.

- Owie!
- Tears from an innocent!
I was on the varsity judo team.

You've always been pure
of heart, Judy.

That's why you understand
the true spirit
of the Wankenschtuber.

This is for you, Maude.

He names each one.

And your name is Penelope.

Wanky buzz is off the charts.

Our pop-ups in Tokyo,
Berlin, and Melbourne have
already run out of the product.

Somebody's been to Australia.

I can't thank you guys enough.

Now every child
can experience the joy
the Wanky brought me.

Look at all the people here
to experience
your magic, Mr.
Ja, it's all for the children, Judy.

Whores! There's a toilet
in across the street!

All the time we spent together,
you're like a
surrogate dad to me.

And maybe I'm a little
like the child you never had?
Has a son.

Third time.

Wanky dropping in five, four
three, two
Pssst, hey you.

Yeah you.

Come here.

Are you overworked
and under-sexed?
Why not take a "break?"
The Wanky.

Euro engineering,
expertly designed
to fit the contours of your body.
Use Offer Code Judy123
for an extra spicy surprise
in your box.

The Wanky
by Sebben & Sebben.

Ages 18 plus.


The surprise is a fedora.

Not today, Death.

You'll have me,
but not on this day.

Work the problem, Gill.

You need to eat,
but your boss said don't move.

God wants you to eat.


Harness the power
of your mind.

And here we have
the vending machine I call Tom,
where a shapely bottle of Fanta
gave me a quarter stiffy
that never quite made semi,
so I'm gonna add
an ObjectumSexual
sticker to my sash.

- Bam!
- Um, I really like
those little peanut butter
cracker sandwiches.

Like, a lot.

A lot, a lot.

There's no sticker
for what you have, Sharon.

Am I pansexual or polysexual?
Ah, that's a great question,

As it was when you asked it
10 minutes ago.

Okay, poly comin' and goin'.

Get up here!
Hey, Brian? Are there any
feelings coming up for you?
Any feelings at all?
I'd have to go
with the protein bar.

That's a replenishing snack
after I make missionary-style
love to a woman.

Oh, god, that's gross.

I'm so sorry about
what these deviants
have done to your beautiful toy!
Don't apologize.
It was
all part of my decades-long,
unnecessarily complicated plan.

Hey, guys,
back from PT Oh!
Yeah, I'm just gonna hang out
in Judy's office.

- Ah, I'm nekkid!
- Mr.
People of loose morals
and orifices,
let me tell you a tale.

Many years ago,
I came downstairs
to the shop floor
to see a small ginger girl
playing with my son.

Then I heard strange noises
coming from the back.

So I went to see
what the rumpus was.

My wife, Maude, betrayed me
in the worst possible way.

But then I thought,
"Eh, [bleep.]
and I used my magic
to curse Maude,
suck her ass into the Wanky
and imprison her for eternity!
Then, I anonymously sent
the toy to Phil to curse him,
knowing that that manslapper
would use it
and suck himself in, too.

But Little Judy found it first,
and she played with it
that the way
that I originally intended.

When Judy offered to make
more Wankys,
I used her to rid the world
of perverts like meine frau.

And if you've corrupted
the Wanky,
you will be sucked in
for eternity
to rot for your goddamned sins!
And the dust from your tears
will imprison this lot forever!

Birdteam? Go!
I am a technosexual.

It makes perfect sense.

Thank you, Judy, for allowing me
to see myself as I truly am!
Well, look at this.
got at least one sticker.


Except Brian.

Is it possible, everyone,
that his reliance on masculinity
has something to do
with his father?
Daddy's on a business trip, Bri.

It's just us now.


Don't scare him.

Thank you for guiding me
on this journey.

- Thank you!
- Bravest person I've ever met.

Oh, jack off, Josh.

Mark my curse,
ere it seals thy fate.

Use this nevermore to masturba
News happens.

And this is the "Sylvia Situation.
The global devastation continues
as more people vanish
into thin air.

Some have drawn connections
to a new adult toy
that just hit the market.

The Birdteam
is roaming far and wide
desperately trying to prevent
the people of planet Earth
from masturbating.

With the latest on the Wanky,
we go to Diana Van Vleet.

Ad lib.

It's a ghost town in here.

A sexy ghost town.

Landing in three, two
Oh, right, this window
doesn't open.

We just released the damn thing
an hour ago.

Where do people find the time!
See? Look around you.

Self-pleasure is part
of a healthy work-life balance.

Somebody feed my Beta fish!

Don't [bleep.]
it up, Gil.

We're at the end here.

Final stretch.

Final Stretch.

I could do this.

Oh, tut, tut, fraulein,
you'll do better to know
who you're ficken mit.

Your accent, it's interesting.

Upper Saxon?
Or neither!
Haha, 'cause you're not
really German, are you?
I know that because my first
boyfriend was a pretend German!
Take that, and that!
Sieben, acht!
Okay, fine, I'm Austrian!
I'm Austrian!
Gillian's gone Carrie again.

Did I do good, boss?
I didn't mean "don't move!"
Oh, you're so bad at idioms!
Wait! How did you
- if you didn't move?
- I sat on it
- Tell me how to break the curse.

- No!
It's the least you can do
since you betrayed me.

Say it's a sex toy!
Say you stole my childhood!
I would say never,
but there's no word
in German for it!
Uch, you're like a
a hairy body pillow.

I found a way
to break the curse.

I'm listening.

So the Wanky came
with instructions.

- You kept the box?
- It's a collectible.

"Only a fair woman
in her Jesus year
with ginger hair who's
had a handful of mild
and mostly accidental
orgasms can break the curse.
In terms of my orgasms,
I will admit most of them
have been mild and mostly
- accidental.

- Oh, sweetie.
- Okay, all of them!
- I'll bite, how does she break the curse?
- She needs to f
- Play with her Wanky
the way God intended.

Don't listen to them, Judy.

Don't let them suck you
into their pool of cess.

It's a toy.

Only you understand that.

There has to be
another way.

We need a place
abandoned by humanity
where there's no chance
she'll be disturbed.

Ho-ho, I know where I go
to flack the flep.

- Whores!
- You, with the chimp nipples!
Everyone, everyone,
Judy Ken Sebben,
our sexual spirit leader!
- Asexual!
- Keep it in your pants, Denise.

we do it in Judy's office.

Hey, gang!
Judy's gonna wank
and needs your support!
Come on!
Follow me, you're fired.

Look, lets dig up
those instructions.

I'm sure there's
another alternative.

Judy, it has to be this way.

One wank to save us all.

this is a mission for Judy.

Birdgirl's a different party.

A woman in her Jesus year.

This is all for me?
- Mostly.

- We don't have much time.

Uh, next time one of you says
you're "really busy"?
Let's leave you to it, shall we?
Please, God, tell me
he didn't use this one.

Who are you?
I'm Devon, Claude's son.

Now let's say we wank together.

Just one more time.

- It's a one-person game.

- Not the way I play it.

Yep, there you go.

- Oops.

- Did Did you just
Sure did!
Curse is broken!
Want to get into this
seafood tower?
I could really use the time
to finish up some correspondence.

- Way behind on e-mails.

- I call next.

The buzzing.

It's too strong.
I-I can't.

No, but we can.

Skeet Ulrich!
Fooled around
and saved the world.

Jude, you did it!
I've come to spread
the good news.

- Who is that?
- Wait, is that?
Maude? Claude's wife?
The curse is broken.

Wait, wait, don't go!
Oh, spectrosexual!
Turned on by sexy ghosts!
We need a flag for that!
- Hey!
- Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
- Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
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