Birdgirl (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

The Rejuvication

1
Couch.
Lap.
Play.

You want to play?
You want to play on my lap?
Or the couch?
Eat.
Car.
Car.

Now you're just
[bleep.]
ing with me.

Girl's trip!
Gentle.

Morning energy, please.

I've been up since 3:30 a.
m.

I've already had dinner.

Y'know how we've always
fantasized about touring
the regional offices in the
lower northeastern region?
- No.

- Poison groundwater?
Interspecial dating?
'70s architecture?
- Hard pass.

- Mere.

It's just two best friends
hitting the road,
eating snacks, harmonizing
to songs from my aughts mix.

And best of all,
you don't have a choice
- because I'm your boss, technically.

- Technically.

Car's packed and ready to go!
Oh, good, printed directions.

Where the hell's Buttzville?
- It's where we make The Lady Pump.

- The what?
From the Little Miss Sebben
personal protection line.

It's
a pink shotgun for the gal
who wants to look chic
downing a grouse.

- They'll let us rack a couple, you know.

- Fine.
I'm in.

Why didn't you lead
with the guns?
- You said it was urgent?
- Yep.
We're going to Buttzville.

Wow, pegging really
has gone mainstream.

What's pegging?
Oh.
The town.

Rack a couple for me.

Ugh, it's south of Assburg?
I'm back out.

Come on, we never spend any
time where it's just us girls.

Charlie, as much I'd love
a contralto in the car,
I'm gonna need you to hold
down the fort while we're gone.

I now pronounce you interim
CEO of Sebben & Sebben.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait.

Okay, I know where
this thing's been.

Buttzville.

- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Birdgirl!
Mmm.

Girl's trip?
I told you these outfits
made sense.

Gillian, can you give Birdcat
his shots while I'm away?
It would be my great honor.

You and you
co and dependent.

One shot every 25 minutes.

He will resist.

But if he's a good boy,
you can give him his spankys.

We could always
just put her down.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

I hear you,
but you can't run this.

She's all chin.

Gillian, text Judy's new
headshot to "The Times.
"
Ow!
What new headshot?
Ow!
Oh.

Oh, my God.

It's time.

- Gillian, come in here, please.

- Ow! Can it wait?!
I've got the Leadership Stick.

Yes? Aah!
- Oh
- You'll need this.

What the [bleep.]
is that?!
Aah!
Gillian.

Computer.
Watch.

Sugar.
Blood.

High.
High.

Judy, thank you
for shepherding me
through my Rejuvication process.

And special thanks for not
pawning the whole thing off
on that dipshit, Gillian.

- Hi, Gillian.

- Hello.

Every 19 years for the past
thousand or so,
I, like the versions of
me before me, shed my old
skin and emerge a more
evolved version of myself.

It keeps me at the top
of my game
and staves off any fine lines.

You said it was exfoliants
and river hooch.
Over.

Don't make me come out there.

During stage one, it's vital
to keep my sack damp.

Using the provided ass bag,
simply hose my sack
every eight minutes
and keep the walkie charged.

Khaire!
If feces be the food of love,
play on.

You got O'Brien.

I told you never to call me here.

Okay, well, maybe I forgot to.

I understand.

Thank you.

And never call me here.

Boys?
Meet me in the Nest.

My source in the parking deck
tells me the power three
have left the building.

And it's our time to implement
some experimental ideas
that the man Judy
says are too hot for prime time.

So who's down for blowing
the roof off Sebben & Sebben?
Question:
Did you mean to invite me?
Because sometimes people think
they're texting Paul R.

And they're disappointed.

- I just needed a third set of balls.

- Uh-huh.

By "set" do you mean
"a pair" because
So, every day, some Tom,
Dick, or Harriet makes
a dumb-ass comment or unwanted
advance, word gets out,
and they get cancelled,
we get sued,
- and someone has to clean up the mess.

- Please, charge that.

That's why I've perfected
a new technology.

Ahem.

That's why mostly Evie
perfected a new technology.

We track employee's online
footprint to predict
inappropriate behavior
seconds before it happens.

Like, in six seconds,
Paul will post
that he invented Taco Tuesday.

Now we can stop cancellations
by precanceling the offender.

And ethics are in the gray area,
right where they belong.

FYI, anyone asks questions,
and I will drop a dime
on all of you so fast
it'll make your nuts drop.

Well, one of 'em.

Is she going to be here
the whole time?
'Cause according to my book
of Guy Rules, no ladies allowed!
It is literally illegal to say that.

Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Get out of my room, Tiffany,
or I'm gonna tell mom!
Gotta go anyway.

Ballet recital,
in case anyone cares.

Yeah, that won't be happening.

So, are there risks involved?
Yes.

Is it worth it?
No.

Are we going to have some fun?
Abso-[bleep.]
in'-lutely.

I've always struggled connecting
with men until now.

Look at us!
The trinity!
Thought I invited Paul R.

Here's the bean dip.

Precanceling
looks a lot like kidnapping
because it is.

Precancel alert:
Brad from BizDev is about
to initiate a "lean and creep.
"
Bag 'em and drag 'em.

Oh, hey, Sarah, look for
an NDA in your inbox,
and I would sign it if I were you.

Go for Miles from Accounting.

Impending African-American
Vernacular English.

Watching
"Neighborhood Watch.
" ♪
Boost Mobile on the plug,
what you need, I got ♪
A blaccent, Miles?
- Really?! A blaccent?!
- Argh!
Go for Sandra from
Consumer Affairs.

Imminent harassment.

Hey, Mike, think I can fit
this whole thing in my
Ohh!
In God's name, tell me you were
gonna say "mouth," Sandra.

- Ohh!
- HR nightmare averted.

- An HR nightmare averted.

- Go for Rudy from Sales for
Oh, boy.

TGIF, mon!
Me! Us!
Boys! Balls!
Bruh, we got to make
sure we're always on
each other's teams, right, like forever.

Whoa!
Hello! Hello!
Another young lady sliding
in my DMs.

That's a spam text, Paul.

I'm just trying to find
a persona that fits.

Brad!
Can't breathe!
Birdcat.

Codfish.

Florentine-style.

Feeling
a little dry in here.

Aah! Ooh!
5, 4, 3, 2
Ahh.

Ah, bubala, buttercup, you've
completed the wetting process.

Oh, thank Jesus.

Time to start phase two.

Please tell me you eat me.

Unfortunately, no.

But we are gonna need a car.

- Hey, Gill.
Happy hour?
- I wish.

Unfortunately, though, I got
to get this rug to the cleaners.

- I diarrhea'd on it.

- Fun! Next time!
You can do this.

It's just physics.

Argh, [bleep.]
!
What's going on out there?
22 pounds of heroin was seized along with
Well, well, well.

The day has come.

Remember when I sent out
an all-staff
saying anyone
could borrow my truck?
Every single person replied.

Except you.

But I knew one day
you'd come a-beggin'.

And you're right.

I was wrong to not reply
to your completely
inappropriate all-staff.

No, you were wrong to think
I would forgive you.

Not so fast!
Where my truck goes, I go.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Aah!
911?
What's your emergency?
It's Jessica.

From Accounting, yes.

I'd like to report a stolen truck.

And I happen to know
there's a brick of skag
in the rocker panel.

From accounting, yes.

You've always scared
the shit out of me,
but I'm sleep-deprived
and I've had a medium
Diet Dr.
Pepper so I'm
feeling a little [bleep.]
-it.

What's going on?!
Let's just say I come
from a highly evolved race,
a race of one.

I don't even know how I got
this way, I just am.

Where are we?
Um, if Jeffrey Dahmer
were a farmer
We're here!
Annabel! ChiChi!
You're late!
Where'd you find this one?
Am I dumb?
Oh, my God!
That pig is adorable.

I love animals!
Speaking of which,
meet my son, CJ!
He was but a wisp the last time
you saw him, eh, Charlie?
She must be molting.

We've got elev
twelve pieces of chicken,
so everyone can have four.

Four pieces of chicken.

Stop trying to force
chicken down our throats.

Nobody likes your rub!
- You don't like my rub!
- We'll order Thai.

Gillian
- I've got this!
- No, I've got this!
- 5, 4, 3, 2
- I'm her assistant!
I'm her attendant!
They both gasp.

A moment shared between
a woman and a man.

We'll both do it.

So you know,
I don't work well with others.

There've been a few HR complaints.

- Those your guncles?
- All will be revealed in time.

Mind the clypeal sheath!
Welcome to the Cancel Cabin!
This is bullshit!
We prevented each of you
from being cancelled.

You'll still be able
to Google yourself
and go to a kids' talent show.

You're welcome.

Some of you
will pump Sebben & Sebben stock,
others will dump it.

Paychecks can be cashed there.

We will issue a debit card
connected to your paycheck.

Your card can be used
at the company store
where everything costs $14.

Is it supposed to be this
c-c-cold in here?
Those are $14.
Officer?
Yes, yes it's supposed to be
this cold because this is work!
My job is to make sure
things run smoothly.

And her job is to tune
up troublemakers.

Oh, my God, guys,
I am loving this persona!
Whoa.
An original 19th
century hatching room.

They don't make 'em
like this anymore.

I do a lot of reading
on birthing techniques.

That's how I know
it's pronounced birthing.

Whoa!
Well, looks like stage
one's complete,
so if you don't need me anymore,
I'm gonna call it.

This part of the process
could take days.

I could use another steady
pair of hands and
- sturdy calves.

- I do wide squats three days a week.

Please stay.
For her.

- For me.

- Do you have a points program?
I'll have CJ make up the guest
room where we keep the dolls.

What's that?
That's our office building.

- Where's the rest of it?
- And what's that?
That's Cade.

He works in receiving.

Where's the rest of it?
I'm being sexual.

Mere, take a pic of me
in front of it.

I've never seen a one-story
building!
- Guys, I've got something to show you.

- His teste?
What do you give the men
who have everything?
Well, their very own 77-foot
man bus!
I got a hook-up in
the recreational vehicle space.

That margarita machine
ain't foolin' around.

- How'd you pay for this?
- Easy.
He gave me an 18.
5%
96 month loan
which I collateralized
against the stack
we're gonna make out there.

It's all funny money,
right, bros?
[Bleep.]
you,
the man-slash-Judy!
That's our money, Paul.

Wait
is that an entire wall of Big Macs?
You must be wondering
what my part is in all this.

I was more wondering why there's
a goat on the table, but sure.

I come from a centuries-old line
of attendants
who've ushered Miss Charlie
through her rebirth.

And when I'm gone,
CJ will take my place.

If, and when, he stops
forcing chicken on people!
You don't like my rub!
Sure, I had other dreams,
but the enema bag,
- she's a stern mistress.

- Oh, Charles, I understand.

Because, I, too, was born with
my destiny already forewritten.

The Sans pinky.

Everyone in my family has it.

It's a genetic gift that
makes us superior assistants.

It allows me full keyboard
access with one hand.

It's my gift.

And my burden.

The winner takes it all ♪
The loser's standing small ♪
Beside the victory ♪
That's her destiny ♪
Bam! A crisp $50
to today's top closer,
and it ain't gonna be Hugh
the way he's [bleep.]
ing going!
Given that we've only been here
45 minutes,
I'm not sure it's fair
to judge me.

Please, I beg you,
a little heat.

I've lost feeling
below the waist.

Aw, happy holidays.

Thanks for supporting
my vision, fellas.

This never would've happened
with Judy Ken Bottomline.

Bottomline.

Classic.

I tell ya, when I was four,
mother had one of her spells
and took to her bed
for three years,
making me the lady of the house.

Listen, maybe we us,
are about more than
just ripping farts.

When's the last time
you were vulnerable?
What do you wish you said
to your Gran Gran
before she passed?
Nana?
Please, no.

Please, no.

I've got a family of pugs
at home.

I brought stuff for s'mores!
Well, I forgot marshmallows
and chocolate.

It's been lovely having you here.

We're used to rattling
around the manse by ourselves.

Just out of curiosity,
where's CJ's mother?
He doesn't have one.

I grew him in the hatching room.

The winner takes it all ♪
Takes it all ♪
The loser has to fall ♪
Has to fall ♪
It's simple and it's plain ♪
Yes, it's plain ♪
Why should I complain? ♪
Why complain? ♪
You pushed it too far, Paul.

You broke the only rule
you tried to make us feel.

I started to feel something
and I never feel something!
- I'm so pissed at you, bro!
- Uh, what do we do with him?
How about we just leave
his body in the woods
and then wolves will come
and finish the work for us.

I like the way this is going.

No body, no crime.

I'd like to strenuously object
to the manner
in which we have
been detained in this cabin.

Let us handle this, Frenchie,
we're going to get our $14 worth.

Because it's us, I'm gonna
assume there's no fire exit.

Yep!
Now we'll be together forever.

Oh, God.

If we ever shared divine love,
you must protect me
and my pinkie at all costs.

- Did you hear that?
- Probably a chicken.

Ah, your lips.

What was that?
Probably CJ or a chicken.

Just go back
to what you were doing.

Oh, dear God,
what have we done?
Get me the [bleep.]

out of here!
You had one job and now
my Rejuvication is blown!
And you released my skin sack
before we had a chance to fuse.

By the way,
I could hear everything.

Charles, you talk way too
much when you're [bleep.]
ing.

- And you're fired.

- But my blood oath!
Like my father
and his father before him.

- That thing can drive?
- That thing is 10% of me,
so it can do anything it
damn well sets its mind to.

Put those in milk.

You got Diane here.

- Judy?
- Diane!
Regular old line worker Diane.

Hey, uh, we've run into
a little problem
and I think you guys might
want to get back here.

My name's also Diane
but with a hard E.

Dian-ee.

Gillian.

Gillianianiana.

You have got to get
your flat ass out here.

So, Charlie has this little
thing she does every 19
The Rejuvication!
What year is this?!
- 1991!
- Since you're clearly up to speed
- the skin sack's escaped.

- Oh.
My.
God.

Birdsteam?
- No.

- Go!
Oh, God.

I didn't know how much
I needed fellowship,
but now I can't live without it.

You'll never be one of us,
but you're all right.

He's not all right!
He swallowed the keys,
and we're all gonna die!
- What's this?
- A secret exit.

This wasn't worth mentioning?!
Then it wouldn't be secret,
would it, Marty?
It's Hugh, Brian.

I was your best man.

Stop!
- It's close.

- She can sense it.

No, Gillian, I have a nose.

It smells like pork rinds
and gooch.

- Scarlie?
- Aah!
- Scarlie, no!
- Help me!
- No!
- It's too late.

- Bad Scarlie.

- He's gone.

- Help me!
- Scarlie!
Nothing to do now but watch.

There are so many things
besides watch that you could do!
- He's with the chickens now.

- A little help?
Any kind of disinfectant!
Two-day road trip
with the bros!
I'll get my clothes back on.

Hey, kid,
make yourself useful
and give me a piggyback.

Scarlie, don't run!
Scarlie.

We're not going to hurt you.

Come here, pretty girl.

Yeah, Mamma's got you.

Come on.

Come on.

There you go.

Birdcat, bad!
Two Charlies,
can't tell who's who.

Are you [bleep.]
ing kidding me?
You're such a lightweight.

That's obviously Charlie.

Take the shot!
- I've got this!
- No, I've got this.

I'm her attendant!
Charles!
My love!
I always have so much anxiety
with driving,
but this is like driving
with mama.

Aah!
I can't believe I'm going to have
to wait another 19 years to rebirth.

Looks like someone
needs a piggyback.

- Moment's passed, Cade.

- Bye.

Gillian! Ohh!
Where is she?
A gift.

For your pretzel hands.

- So people won't stare.

- Stay with me.

Think of what we could do in
19 years.

No.
I shan't.

We've both sworn fealty
to a higher power.

Plus, you'll be like 80?
- Gillian!
- It's life calling.

- I'll see you in 19 years.

- Yes.

Unless, like, I'm married,
then it probably
wouldn't be appropriate.

Gillian!
I've got a hangover.

Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Hey!
Birdgirl!
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