Birdgirl (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

With a K

Come on down to Li'l Judy's.
Order up!
Chick chunks!
Raw, juicy,
and ready for the greaser!
You buy it, you fry it!
Breakfast all day long,
even after the bars close.
So many memories.
You know, I wasn't just
the mascot.
After school, I'd hitch a ride
over there and play for hours.
Sometimes I'd even
pull a shift,
flipping burgers,
rousting hobos.
And cue nostalgia spiral.
Remember when
you could roust a hobo?
It wa It was never
okay to do that.
Shame we shut 'em all down
long ago.
We didn't.
That's why I called you here.
- Oh, boy.
- In the past week, 12 Li'l J franchises
have been vandalized.
Oh, my God.
It's beyond repair.
Uh, this one was actually
remodeled recently.
Here we go.
Our South Assburg store.
A masked delinquent has been
defacing Li'l Judy's face
and leaving this tag, "KK."
We think that stands for
Kaptain Khaos.
Problem isn't the vandalism.
It's the spelling.
'Cause K for C is a '90s trope.
It's the news coverage.
It's drawing unwanted attention
to the fact that Li'l Judy's
are more rundown than
a shitter on shitty Tuesday.
I was thinking this might be
a job for your friend.
- Oh, Mackenzie from pilates.
- No.
Ah, right Birdgirl.
Let me Mackenzie know anyway.
We may need backup.
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Oh! A Wanky Jr.
I got the official
mini leadership stick.
- You wanna trade?
- Over your dead 10-year-old body.
He's hit every Li'l Judy's
within a 12-mile radius
except this one.
- Any action? Over.
- Nothing here.
- Unit 3.
- I assume I'm unit 3?
No, Paul, you're unit 5.
Nobody had the courtesy to tell
Donner, Prancer, Vixen go!
What kind of monster
defaces an American institution
where our children come
to get their fry on?
Oh ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
I'm Kaptain Khaos
with K's.
The most virile of velar plosives.
- Uh, what's that mean?
- I don't know.
Which is why you'll remember it.
Not mommy's little girl ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
- Mommy's little girl ♪
- Oh.
Va, va-da-va-voom ♪
I'll deal with that later.
We're live in East
Assburg, where the masked
delinquent has struck
yet another Li'l Judy's.
How would you describe
the assailant?
Uh, there was quite a bit
of grease smoke,
but if I had to put a name to it,
he was half Zorro,
half that slurring
Disney pirate, and, uh
- 100% hunk.
- Mackenzie.
We do a pilates class together.
Is it true you sketched an image
of the perpetrator
- who calls himself Kaptain Khaos?
- I dabble.
I have a message for you,
Kaptain Khaos.
When I catch you,
oh, the things I will do to you.
And I am prepared nay,
lying fully prone in wait
for whatever you may
have planned for me.
- Ohh.
- And back to you, Sandra.
I pulled a print.
Size 12, Pronater.
Probably ran cross-country.
Luckily, I got a littermate
works security at 23 and Me,
owes me one.
We should have results
in three to six months.
This job's all about
relationships, kids.
Or I just rant the footage
through FaceMatch
and found all his socials
and his WikiFeet page.
There's one for men now?
- Ew! They're all barefoot.
- Enhance.
- This isn't voice-activated.
- I know. Enhance.
"Kaptain Khaos fancies himself
as an anti-corporate vigilante.
His goal is to take down capitalist
America and to 'kill the rich.'"
Ooh, that must
harsh your buzz a bit.
Dook one for the people!
Ugh! what's the opposite
of "enhance"?
Take that, Li'l Shitty.
Just another "brocialist."
Only know what they're against,
no clue what they're for.
Give it a week,
and he'll jump to
the next trendy cause,
like canine intactiveism.
- Oh. Sorry.
- I don't know, guys.
- Something about him feels true.
- Watch out.
"True" is Birdgirl's kink.
- And, apparently, dirty feet?
- It's not like that.
Sure, he's not a great speller,
and he's rough around the edges
and clearly all man.
But you don't don a mask and
commit third-degree vandalism
unless you've got
something loud to say.
I mean, he is all-in.
We've gotta stop him
from trending.
He trends,
Li'l Judy's trends.
Li'l Judy's trends, people
realize they're still open.
- Let's neutralize the kook.
- When you say "neutralize"
There's some things
it's better you not know.
Like queening.
He's got that "it" factor.
Like a young Chevy Chase.
We have to engage with him.
Connect inches
from his face and body.
- That's not a touchscreen.
- How do we get to him?
He always codes in
geocoordinates for his next hit
on his page for his followers.
Looks like he'll be downtown
And our friend will be waiting.
And this time, she'll nail him.
Yeah, she'll totally nail him.
Calm down.
You sure sending Birdgirl after
that clod is a good idea?
- He's so her type.
- Ew! Gross!
Birdgirl might be into that
cootie bag, but Judy isn't.
Judy isn't into anyone.
We've established that.
But Birdgirl, however,
is seemingly into everyone.
Let's see. There was the
masked guy with the metal suit.
Or the other guy with
the other metal suit.
Then the other masked guy, then
the masked guy from Chicago.
- He ate deepdish?
- That he did.
And every one of them,
- Birdgirl was duty-bound to bring down.
- Literally.
Okay, okay.
So Birdgirl has a bad picker.
But don't forget
Birdgirl works for me,
not the other way around.
Judy's der bosserschnitzel,
and she'll command Birdgirl
to keep it in her suit.
You know who would never
condescend to Birdgirl like that?
Va-va-voom ♪
Uh, hello?
- Judy?
- Va-va-va-voom!
Aah! Aah!
Judy, no!
It's an abomination to man.
And I hope you never see it.
Oh, I've seen it.
That's Devil Judy,
the manifestation of
her abandoned libido.
It pops out anytime
Birdgirl gets a crush.
There's not enough room in there
for both Devil Judy
and Judy's ability to
deny herself pleasure, so
The way it was looking at me
and and licking
its thin little lips.
It becomes obsessed with
the first dick it sees,
and I really do mean "dick."
And the only way to get it to
stop tormenting you is to kill it.
But you flushed it, right?
Problem solved.
Hold me.
I'm pretty shaken up.
By Judy's libido?
Oh, you're so weak.
Oh, my God!
It's right behind you!
Oh ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Sugar and spice
and everything nice ♪
Are the kind of things
a girl like me doesn't like ♪
How is this helping the mission,
Ask me when you're 12.
I know what you're all thinking,
and I would never
sleep with a target.
I forswore humanly temptations
when I took the sacred
superhero oath.
- That is absolutely not a thing.
- You're right. It's not.
Grow up, Birdteam.
Sex is a weapon, even when
you're not having it.
- Which I won't.
- Just be careful.
Birdgirl can be a little rash.
Just ask yourself, "WWJD?"
- Jesus?
- Judy.
- Ugh.
- Birdteam go!
Where am I going?
What's my next move?
Feed me.
You're gonna turn right.
He's taking the tunnel.
Oh, my God.
Tunnels are both dangerous
and sexy.
Think about the things we do,
the things we said ♪
So who's lying now? ♪
- Ooh.
- Who comes crying now? ♪
I was hoping I'd see you again.
That makes one of us.
Why don't we drop the game
of cat and mouse?
- Says the mouse.
- Or am I the cat?
This really is the worst Y.A.
But you'll be back again ♪
Oh, I like it rough.
Which is why I don't.
Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
'Cause you'll be begging ♪
Birdgirl, can you hear us?
Oh, why, thank you.
Is that your doggy?
No, that dog is his own owner.
I don't own things.
Is that your hibachi?
That hibachi is free to go
at any time.
Wanna see some real chaos?
Only if it's with a K.
How do you spell "Is it in"?
Oh, never mind
that's three words.
It's dead.
You flushed it.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Va-va-va-voom ♪
It could be the wine talking,
could be the gouda,
- but whatever it is, it's fate.
- It's not fate.
You, me, him, her
are all part of my grand plan.
I've been watching you,
When I saw you working to
destroy the company
from the inside, I knew
we'd make the perfect team.
Get away.
If you really wanna make
a difference in this world,
you have to cut the beast off
at the foot.
- Enhance.
- You and me, Birdgirl,
taking down the worst offender
of them all
capitalism's handmaiden
Judy Ken Sebben.
Her? Really?
I mean yeah, she has
horrible taste in pillows,
she doesn't shave above the knee,
but is she really
the worst offender?
Huh. You seem to really know
a lot about her.
The devil, when she comes,
won't shave above the knee.
Ugh. That was taken
out of context.
Just look at her.
But she's trying to
change the company.
Can I trust you?
'Cause I've procured
a high-level job
at Sebben & Sebben
under my alter-ego,
corporate slave Ed Todd.
When the time is right
- Aah!
- Ugh!
- Same guy who, uh, runs my social.
Don't move.
I just can't
take a bad picture.
No, really.
Scientists are mystified.
- Aah!
- So, this is what the flight of shame looks like.
I assume you paired it with
a trip to Denny's.
- Aah!
- So, how'd the mission go?
- We heard everything.
- Everything.
- Uh
- And it turns out
you do know what queening means.
You let Birdgirl's carpet
run Judy's drapes.
- And now he's in the building.
- We gotta eliminate him.
You're right.
I destroyed Judy's apartment,
carpet, drapes,
and crown molding.
- Crown molding?
- Bazooms.
Birdgirl got us into this mess,
so now Judy's gotta
get us out of it.
Her way.
Hey, Denise!
eczema's looking sharp.
Hugh, tell Cheryl happy birthday.
- The big 5-0!
- Cheryl's 8.
Judy, I'd like you to meet
my new executive intern.
Not now, Paul.
I'm looking for
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh. Hi, there.
I'm Ed Todd.
- What happened to you?
- I'm sorry?
Do not blow this for me.
He is a genius at
stacking those cards.
Nice to meet you
for the first time ever.
How about a tour?
I always give new hires
some one-on-one.
It's just who we are.
As the CEO,
we put the people first.
We! Me!
I'm gonna need him back
for inventory!
God, that man has a great ass.
Two halves of
the same hairy peach.
Since I took the reins,
I've really revolutionized
the company.
We put out not one but two
products for mental health
that backfired miserably,
and I redesigned the Popple can
for the differently handed.
Pissed a lot of
big-hand types off.
Ahh, the price of being a
capitalist activist do-goodnik.
Hi, boss.
We just wanted to thank you
for letting us work here
another year.
You're the best boss,
and we know you really care.
- Was that a child?
- It was.
As you can see,
we are leading the way on
sustainable corporate culture.
We made the executive decision
to switch
from single-use cups to not
- single-use.
- Um what's in there?
Nothing exciting.
Hey! It's nearly 10:00 am.
Hibachi for lunch?
Is it okay if I use
my own utensils?
I know they're clean.
How many other corporations offer
on-campus cuisines
of the world?
One reason Sebben & Sebben
is number 3,428
on the list of
best places to work.
- Get away.
- Okay.
Oh. You've hardly touched
your onion volcano.
Not enough steam?
Did you read the piece in EcoWar
about factory fishing?
What happened to you?
Uh, I thought you loved hibachi?
Why would you think that?
I think it was mentioned
on your
mention of yourself to me.
We eat the floor shrimp.
We are zero waste here.
- Get away.
- Okay.
Arigatou gozaimasu.
How do you stand this guy?!
He's so judgy
and self-righteous.
You're trying way too hard.
It's embarrassing.
Why can't you just be cool?
Your boyfriend wants us dead.
He wants you dead.
He's pretty happy where we are
as a couple.
He told me so.
After sex.
I am you, and you are me!
Judy, I'm starting to
think that the only thing
we have in common is that
we're the same person.
You got us into this mess
with your own untamable libido.
I won't apologize for my carnality.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe the only way to change
the system is to destroy it.
That's it!
- You, come with me.
- Don't you dare make me call
my nonexistent
H.R. department!
You think Sebben & Sebben
is evil
and I'm a blight on humanity?
Well, bub, you don't know
the half of it.
You want to know
what's behind that door?
All the horrific things
this company has done.
Before my tenure and during.
The mother lode.
Why are you showing me this?
How do you think I felt
when I inherited this?
Pretty gutted.
But then, I realized something.
I could give up and give in
and just say the company sucks,
so let's burn it all down,
or I could work to clean up
the mess we've made,
ever day,
a little bit at a time.
It's easy to judge
from the outside,
so I'm showing you our insides.
- Your sanitizer, it's coming loose.
- Let it fall.
I wasn't exactly planning on this,
which may serve as an explanation for my
somewhat retro grooming
situation down there.
Don't transcribe that.
Come and get me, hell girl.
I dare you.
Dear God, the grotesquerie.
Good God, it's been six minutes
and it's still not in.
- Oh, they're done.
- Does anybody have eyes on him?
He's still upstairs. I put a
tracker in his hand sanitizer.
The other half
of the hairy peach.
- Captured with a K.
- Oh, God!
You don't own me,
you tiny pervert!
Unh! Unh!
No, no, no!
It's over.
I guess it's a cheat day
for ol' B-O-B.
Excuse me, sir. Aren't
you gonna file a report?
I no longer file reports.
I'm moving on with my life.
Been dying to see you all day.
I was wrong about
Judy Ken Sebben.
I told you she's trying.
No. Actually, it's worse than we
could've possibly even imagined.
She's nothing.
A powerless figurehead.
Spends her days
touring interns around
while her team does all the work.
These are the real masterminds
behind the operation.
Oh, boy.
If we eradicate them,
it's just a matter of time
before Judy
drives Sebben & Sebben
into the ground on her own
while we stand by
and watch it burn.
- What's wrong, Birdgirl?
- Ahh.
Judy, in the name of
all that doesn't reek
of sensitively cured meats,
stop him!
If only you could
smell his musk,
- you would understand.
- Boy-oop!
Okay, I guess
my reckless dating decisions
have put my friends
in mortal danger.
Multiple times.
Oh, the deepdish guy.
Thank you
for not making me say it.
And today's the day
I grow up and say,
"I choose my friendships
over my crazy-ass libido."
How about 80% friends,
20% booty?
- I'll do it!
- We both will.
The one thing that
makes us unstoppable is
we are the same person.
Hi, Judy.
- You knew? When?
- I knew the whole time.
Oh, and by the way,
you smell like shrimp.
Damn floor shrimp.
Maybe it's time to say
what we're all thinking.
"Kaptain Khaos"
is a ridiculous name.
is spelled with a C-H.
And despite
what you may think,
I'm damn proud of
what I've accomplished
with these fine
bound and gagged people.
Will you shut up?
We're about to be flash-fried!
This corporation you love so much,
do you know the damage it causes?
Can you show us in a flashback?
Do love a flashback.
It was my 8th birthday.
Welcome to Li'l Judy's!
Before we welcome you
to Li'l Judy's,
please sign this contract
for 16 monthly payments
and these waivers indemnifying
Sebben & Sebben
from any responsibility.
Now have some fun!
I deep-fried everything
nuggets, burgers,
the car keys.
I must have
overloaded the system
because the entire place
exploded into flames.
And it killed my parents.
- It's all my fault!
- It's not your fault, Eddie.
- Li'l Judy? Is it really you?
- No, it's not.
It's our fault, and it's
time for us to come clean.
What are you doing?
A very special quiet meal
for the birthday boy!
She's not admitting culpability!
He signed a waiver!
Plus, he had some fun!
Take it and do good with it.
And now
you give me the button.
Are you insane?!
You'll ruin us!
She's gonna blow!
Don't worry.
I'll be okay.
It's with a K.
Sometimes other letters.
Making that pirate clown
think you were giving him
all our secrets, and then
turning the tables on him?
Genius! All that incriminating
evidence up in smoke.
I had my doubts about you,
but you're not afraid
to get bloody.
- Enhance.
- You might turn out to be
the best CEO
this company's ever had.
Uh not including Phil,
of course.
Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
- Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Ultra fierce, and so unique ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
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