Birdgirl (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

The S.I.M.M.

JUDY: We tried to warn you.
Hints. Bigger hints.
Company-wide e-mails that were
in fact directed only at you.
We even paid for one of those
aggressively large blimps
to fly over your house for a week.
But unfortunately,
it's come to this.
You're fired.
You can't be serious!
I've given my nuts to
this company, literally.
It's a long story.
Does loyalty count for nothing?
For years, we had to show you
how to use the copier.
Now we have to remind you
not to use it
because we're
a green company.
You take forever
to complete a task,
then need an assistant to
transcribe it from carbon paper.
But mostly
it's the ass grabbing.
It's a new day at
Sebben & Sebben
where asses can be
lightly fantasized about
but no longer grabbed.
This is the hardest thing
I have ever had to do,
but we both know it's time.
[Melancholy music plays]
JUDY: No! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
I take it back!
You're not fired!
[Bell rings]
Well, you got all the way to
the townhouse,
- so that's good.
- Damn.
Really thought I had it this time.
You can't pretend fire him.
How are you gonna
real fire anyone else?
By pretending
I'm pretend firing them.
Goddamn it, Judy.
I was fine until
he microwaved the chili.
That was just too sad.
I do that every night.
Go through a lot of microwaves.
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
[Rapping] Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
[Imitating fanfare]
CEOs need to be able to fire people.
It was your father's favorite
part of the job.
But I don't see Sebben & Sebben
as a company.
- That's a good sign.
- I see it as a steward.
We give thousands of
employees a reason
to get up in the morning,
or at least tire them out
so they don't have the energy
to get swept up
in global conspiracy theories.
Wah, wah, bullshit.
I'm serious.
You can't swing a cat
without hitting an employee
that needs to get shit-canned.
We're not in preschool.
This isn't a play date.
You and I aren't wearing
performance tights,
grabbing iced-blendeds,
flirting with the barista
with the nose hoop
then racing to pick up
our fourth grader.
We need you to a real-life
fire someone.
- Can you do it?
- Sure Who?
Someone who has spent most
of their billable hours
chinwagging in the break room.
I had no idea it did that.
- You can't see both ways, right?
- You got to fire her.
Jessica from accounting.
- Yeah, I can't fire her.
- Give me one good reason.
Lots of reasons,
including but not limited to
she's the office candy person.
Her Thursday candy dish
is legendary.
She never forgets a birthday.
She cares about birthdays.
Did I mention the candy thing?
It's the only reason some people
come out of their cubes.
You are totally ball-less,
and I know where of I speak.
Again, long story.
Rip the Band-Aid-brand
adhesive off, Judy.
Without Jessica, there wouldn't be
- Band-Aids in the first aid kit!
- That settles it.
We got to get you
in the S.I.M.M.
Hey, did you guys
see a curtain close?
[Cat yowls]
Your dad's
secret second office.
You could look for a thousand
years and never find it.
Part inner sanctum,
part tickle dungeon.
All man.
He was never less at leisure
than when at leisure,
or less alone
than went alone.
The S.I.M.M. your dad
built it in the '80s
so he had a place to work out
his CEO conundrums.
Every possible
corporate scenario program
for bosses to practice on.
This baby's going to
make you a killer CEO, Judy.
Welcome to the S.I.M.M.
Juice up and bag your sacks.
It's CEO time.
You know who got next
when Phil played?
Nobody. Your dad
[bleep]ing owned this game.
Continue your last game, PKS?
Steno ♪3
was taking dictation.
- What's she doing?
- Uh, a new game.
No, this is the game
my father played.
I'm going to play it, too,
and I'm going to beat his ass.
I did not order a floating,
spinning moon lamp in teal.
I ordered a faux gelatin
fruit salad lamp in tangerine.
- Yes?
- I got to go do some exec
training for a few hours.
- Mind taking over for me?
- [Laughs] Wow. Really?
"'Mind taking' over for me?"
To a Mind Taker?
That's what you say?
Oh, my God, Mere, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to
I'm shitting you!
- But don't say it again also.
- Okay then.
Since I'll technically
be incapacitated,
I need to cede
proprietary rights to someone.
You will be CEO pro temp.
Sign here, here, and here.
Nope. Unh-unh.
Not that again.
- Give Bith to some other sucker.
- Me-e-ere.
You're the only sucker I trust.
[Engine starts]
[Engine revving]
SIMM: Welcome to the S.I.M.M.
Let's pick your avatar.
Not a lot of ladies.
When this rig was built,
the only thing
women were good for was
Uh, we'll
we'll create a new one.
[Clears throat]
- Brent?
- The name Brent
[Siren wails] has been
formulated for success
- by the simulator.
- And life.
[Elevator dings]
Speak into the mic.
[Clears throat]
[Brent's voice] Excuse me.
I-I know you're busy,
but may I have a moment?
I know you're busy.
[Health bar chiming]
Let's try this
to get you into character.
ladies and perverts.
- Ugh.
- You're losing them.
Just go with it.
Feel it.
Somebody got laid last night.
Slap some ass!
[Squeals] My God, the
breasts, the breasts!
Talking to her, Lance,
not you.
[Normal voice]
Although yours ain't bad.
[Brent's voice]
You've got great tits, Lance.
SIMM: Key to
the executive men's room.
[Normal voice]
1,000 points!
And ethically ambiguous.
Judy has handed me
the reins again.
I don't want any flack, guff,
bullshit, or static from you.
Open the door and leave me be.
It's my own poisoned chalice.
[Clears throat]
I have no plans to question,
impede, hamper, or obstruct
your constitutionally
mandated responsibilities.
Besides, I have to run
some errands for Judy
then take my three-minute lunch.
[Door buzzes]
- I've catalogued every item
- There you are!
in this office
and know the exact location,
condition, and scent.
If anything changes, I shall know.
Sit anywhere you like.
Not there.
Or there.
To the left.
So you're not all powerful.
You really shouldn't.
- You got a sec?
- Nah, kind of busy.
I knew it!
She did want to fire her!
She just didn't have the guts.
Come on, you.
[Engine revving]
She's actually in there?
[Shouting] Scenario 9!
And she's not doing bad.
JUDY: [Brent's voice]
Grab ass, slap ass.
Grab and slap ass.
[Women squealing]
[Normal voice] Sorry, Barb.
It's all pretend.
- What's Scenario 9?
- Uhh
Mergers and acquisitions.
[Slapping, women squealing]
[Brent's voice]
Grab and slap ass.
Look, uh,
she's tied up in there,
and we're adults, you and me.
What say we, meaning you,
take care of
the little pest ourselves?
If it were up to me,
the candy dish alone
would be grounds
for termination.
But it seemed important to Judy.
- We should check with her first.
- No! You must never
disturb someone
while they're S.I.M.M.'ing.
We barged in on her dad once
and he pissed blood for a week.
- Want to see pics?
- [Sighs] Fine. I'll do it.
But first I want to confirm
that Jessica really
doesn't do anything all day.
How do we do that?
Right. I'm security.
What are you going to do now,
[Telephone ringing]
Everyone's candy sick!
What about your jobs?!
The candy bowl.
It's laughing at me.
[Evil laughter]
I'm so sorry.
JUDY: [Brent's voice]
So get this, I'm in this little
Judy costume, but, you know,
as a 30-year-old
and I have this
ridiculous kid voice on,
and I'm telling him
that he didn't kill his parents,
I did!
[Normal voice]
[Brent's voice]
What's my favorite color?
- CO-WORKERS: Flesh!
- SIMM: Congratulations.
You've reached level 42,
the Boss Stage.
Juice up and bag your gas.
It's time to fire someone.
[Normal voice]
[Brent's voice] Hey, Tom.
- B-B-B-B-Dog!
- Uh, we need to talk.
Want a piece of candy?
[Normal voice]
Ouch. Candy.
Hot button.
[Inhales deeply]
[Brent's voice]
You can do this, Judy, come on.
- Who's Judy?
- Tom. I-It's just not
We're going to have to
- let you [Groans]
- Did I tell you I just had a baby?
SIMM: Promotion denied.
[Breathing heavily]
Painting her nails at her desk
and making a birthday card
with a pop-up thingy!
the toilet seat cover
to make sure it's working!
- Uh, are you okay?
- I'm better than okay.
I got my man,
and she has got to go.
So nice to see y
So you want to hear about
Frank's divorce
or Dana's gambling problem?
- you.
- You're fired.
[Chuckles] Excuse my eager
friend here, but [Door opens]
- You're fired.
- Since the dog's out of the bag,
as no one says,
uh, you are indeed fired.
Oh, I get it.
You're "firing" me?
You almost got me.
Oh, and I saved you a Zagnut
before the little elves
get their hands on it.
The level of denial's unbelievable!
- You're really fired.
- I hope you don't mind taking
- Don't do that.
- advice.
But you're new at this,
so I'll do you a huge favor
and allow you to undo
what's going to be
the biggest mistake of your life!
I'm confused.
Are you threatening me?
She's threatening you.
And she's fired.
- Lick your lips.
- Do you know who I am?
Do you know what I can do
to this company?
Ooh, ouch.
I think we'll survive
without Mallomar Mondays.
It isn't just marshmallow
holding this company together.
You'll see.
You'll all see!
Two's "both,"
three or more's "all."
- [Whispers indistinctly]
- No.
No, not the fireballs.
[Siren blaring] She's taking
away the atomic fireballs!
We are aware of the candy situation
and are working diligently
to address it.
Please return to your offices
and await further instructions.
[Engine revving]
JUDY: [Brent's voice]
Oh, wow, it's a quarter to Brent,
which means it's party time!
- Oh, my God.
- The candy is disappearing.
But Candy's our reward
for a job well done.
[Normal voice]
The importance of candy
in an office setting
can't be overestimated.
[Siren Blaring]
Jesus, Brad, keep it in your pa
Well, everyone,
it seems Jessica did everything
that powers an office ecosystem.
Besides issuing paychecks,
she wrote the passy-aggressy
notes about dishes
in the sink,
planned baby showers.
She even rolled Carl for bedsores.
[Electricity powers down]
seems powered
the entire building
- with her under-desk exercycle.
- Beautiful.
You've been tailing her for six
days and this is news to you?
I got a lot on my plate.
We're going to have to
fill in for her, people.
Payday's coming up.
Paul, can you cover
the social fabric nonsense?
I am but a humble seamstress.
And can you roll Carl
for bedsores?
Am I authorized to hire a hot
but competent nursing staff
and collect some
fecal samples from him?
Get out.
[Workers screaming]
JUDY: [Brent's voice]
Is this another boss level?
Brent, thank God.
What should we do?
Slap my ass a couple times.
That always helps him think.
[Normal voice] Look,
I think it might be time
for me to go back
where I came from.
[Brent's voice]
I'm not like you.
- Kill Brent.
- Candy.
[Normal voice] Oh, boy.
Let's go while we still can.
I don't want to die in a drape suit!
SIMM: Key to the executive
men's room!
Kill Brent. Kill Brent.
[Exercycle cranking]
Here we go.
- Is it her "Glee" fanfic?
- Yes, and every paycheck
she ever earned at this place,
she hasn't cashed a single one,
and she's been here 10 years.
The second she decides to cash
the checks, we go bankrupt.
[Electricity powers down]
[Exercycle cranking]
[Cellphone rings]
Did Jessica say
where she was going
- when she stormed out?
- She did mutter something
about the Affiliated Bookkeepers
and Accountants Credit Union.
Good [bleep].
Looks like I'm going to Assburg.
- We have to get Judy.
- Oh, she's still in the S.I.M.M.
[Engine revving]
JUDY: [Brent's voice]
Uh, what's going on?
You suck at at firing people!
[Normal voice]
I've heard that before.
The game is winning, and
and the only way
to stop it is to
shit-can some employees!
SIMM: Level 27 Club Seb.
JUDY: [Brent's Voice]
This is how guys vacation?
Mere and I went to
the Smithsonian last year.
Ooh-ooh. Some baby oil for
those rough spots, baby?
Things seem fine in here.
We're executives, okay?
Look, nothing can
touch us in here.
SIMM: Hostile takeover.
[8-bit music plays]
[Normal voice]
Can I go home now?
There's something wrong
with the S.I.M.M.
- EVIE: How can you tell?
- Hysterical strength!
Oh, my God, Jude!
You okay?
[Gasps] She's gone!
SIMM: Bounce your bongos!
Jude's trapped in there.
We've got to go after her.
And that's all
the exposition you need.
Uh, before we go in,
you should know
this is no place
for a Fourth Wave feminist.
Now let's go slap some ass.
Welcome to the S.I.M.M.
Yeah, I don't think so.
[Elevator dings]
Shake your cakes!
[Woman squeals]
Climb the corporate ladder.
Big swinging dick!
[Growls nervously]
[Cellphone vibrates]
we got a problem here.
You got several.
JESSICA: [over loudspeaker]
Good people of Sebben & Sebben.
What's she doing?
Friends, candy lovers,
if you have ever enjoyed
one of my delectable treats,
do as I ask.
Please walk to the south corner
of your office.
She's tipping the building.
She's using candy coercion
to tip us over! Help!
I am mistaken, I am.
is it okay to hang up now?
This is it!
The end of the game.
[Whispering] It's a land
beyond the S.I.M.M.
[Normal voice]
Don't let that close!
How are we gonna find Judy?
Oh, I know where she is.
That Chard whore.
[Deep voice] You came.
I've been waiting
for this day for a long time.
You've only been gone
like two hours.
And why are you talking like
Christine Baranski?
Because I've earned it, Meredith.
JESSICA: [over loudspeaker]
Now, please make your way
to the north corner
of your office.
[S.I.M.M. powers up]
Sounds fun.
SIMM: Pick your avatar!
BRIAN: [Groans] Not a lot
of guys to choose from.
I do look good in cornflower.
SIMM: Level one
Sales & Marketing.
Shake your cakes.
Shake your cakes.
Low hanging fruit.
Get ready to go public.
10,000 points!
Best game ever.
I've been working to build
each of you
your individual
perfect virtual world.
Mere, this is the ranch
you've always wanted.
It's gorgeous, Jude.
I never thought you were paying
attention when I said that.
And Evie, I give you
the Teen Zone.
For not now,
because you're but a child.
EVIE: What is he doing?
[Co-worker screaming]
BRIAN: Aaaah!
Jessica's gone power mad
and is destroying the building.
EVIE: Don't let that close!
Ah, Brian, my love,
I didn't forget you.
It haunts me in my dreams.
- Am I the
- Deejay? Indeed.
And finally, you
Wait. Where's Dog?
SIMM: Fringe benefits.
Now, what's this about Jessica?
I may have fired her a little bit.
Uh, then we realized she hasn't
been cashing her paychecks.
Now she's going to cash them
and bankrupt the company.
- That's a summary of events.
- Maybe it's okay.
Maybe we let Jessica burn
Sebben & Sebben to the ground.
I could be doing everyone a favor
by just shutting
the whole thing down,
letting go, moving on.
Jude, do you want to save
the company or not?
If I may?
If you don't, no bills get paid,
the power gets shut off,
the building forecloses,
the S.I.M.M. shuts down,
and we go bye!
When you put it that way,
I guess we should go back
to the office.
But can we?
Word around the watercooler is
the S.I.M.M. can't go backwards.
No player's ever done it.
Well, maybe no player has.
- Are you saying
- No, no!
- She is not saying that.
- Birdteam, go!
[Razor buzzing]
[Imitates fanfare]
Follow me, guys, and Charlene.
[Whip cracking]
Ha! Ha!
[Cellphone rings]
[Nazi zombie laughs evilly]
Huh, still had
Nazis in the '80s.
Glad we don't
have to deal with
these assholes anymore.
[S.I.M.M. beeping]
JESSICA: [over loudspeaker]
Now left foot in
and shake it all about.
JUDY: Mere, get me Jessica.
If you've ever felt overlooked,
taken for granted, underpaid,
I want you to stand on one foot
and start hopping up and down.
May I help you?
Jessica, there's been
a horrible misunderstanding,
and I'd like to apologize
and increase
your candy budget.
TRISH: News happens, and this is
"The Sylvia Situation."
In an exclusive update,
the tipping building
has come to a rest,
and the thousands of
employees inside are safe.
Quite the "sky escapers."
- Right, Trish?
- People nearly died, Walt.
Do you have empathy?
CHARLIE: So after the meltdown,
she went candy shopping,
had a carafe of pinot,
then the blowout.
Ah, no wonder
you couldn't fire her.
People's candy rage nearly
destroyed the building.
You still don't get it.
The fire Jessica meeting
was never about firing Jessica.
It was a cover so she could
tell me who's angry,
who needs encouragement,
who wants to quit.
She's never going to cash
those checks, guys.
I smell like a goddamn toddler.
[Exercycle cranking]
Know what I think?
Why didn't she cash out
one of those checks
and get a decent
pair of shoes?
I think this place
can't be too bad
if we drag our asses
in here day after day.
- H.R. complaints against "Charlene."
- He did all this?
- In a sense.
- Brian?
- Yo.
- You're fired.
Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
- Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
- Hey! Birdgirl!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
- Hey!
- [Imitating fanfare] Birdgirl!
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