Bizaardvark (2016) s03e18 Episode Script

The Stand-Up Standoff

1 Man, how much do you love the cereal bar? - Right? - Yeah.
I never thought I needed a cereal bar in my life, but now I can't imagine ever going back to boxes.
I'd be like, "How does this work? How does what's in here go in here?" (all laugh) - You see, it's funny because the box - (sighs) Don't mansplain me.
And why stop at a cereal bar? I wish I had a cereal car.
Just a station wagon full of Choco Yum Yum Flakes.
Every red light, I'd be like (imitates car screeching and eating) (laughing) And and when I'm running low, I'd stop at the milk station.
"Fill 'er up, Skip! The 2% today, I'm feelin' wild!" And what's up with this foam pit, am I right? I mean, seriously, foam pit? More like arm pit.
Has anyone smelled this thing lately? This guy knows what I'm talkin' about.
I do, it smells so bad in there.
And what's the deal with this swing? What's it doing inside the house? Is there some sort of mix up? Is there a playground out there where a parent is pushing their kid on a toilet? - (toaster dings) - Oh! That's my bagel.
I'll be here all week 'cause I live here.
Frankie, that was so funny! Thanks! It's always great to get a couple laughs.
Couple? You killed! Oh, I mean, obviously, I don't like to use that sort of violent language, but I-I know it's what people say so I'm trying to be supportive.
Thanks, Paige.
You murdered everyone in the house, Frankie! You're a total murderer! Okay, can you please stop yelling that? I mean, you've always wanted to try stand-up comedy.
It's the whole reason you have that comedy notebook.
You know about my comedy notebook? Oh, I thought it was your diary.
I read it once to see if you think I'm nosy.
I think you just answered your question.
Frankie, you're ready to give this stand-up thing a shot, for real.
Oh, um, what about that cafe we always walk by with the open mic night? You should try it! Thanks, Paige, but I-I'm not ready.
All right, but maybe we could at least go watch an open mic night.
Help you get a feel for it and gain more confidence? I wanna say no, but my gut is telling me that you're not gonna drop this so, yes.
You are correct and yay! Hello? Open Mic Night? I'd like to sign up Frankie Wong to perform comedy is what I will say once I find the phone number for this place, call them, go down there, and find out how a person actually signs up another person for an open mic night.
Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! (music ends) - (vampire video game noises) - (grunting in frustration) Man, Grandma really loves those bloody vampire huntin' video games, huh? She says they remind her of her childhood.
I like not knowing what that means.
So, what do you got goin' on today? I think Horse Face Guy and I are gonna go out and get some hand-burgers.
Uh Did you say "hand-burgers"? Uh, yeah.
That's what they're called.
Uh, no.
They're called "hamburgers.
" (laughs) Oh, Amelia.
Let me tell you why you're wrong.
See, you don't eat a burger with your ham.
You eat it with your hand, hence the name, hand-burger.
You wanna bet on it? Oh, you're on.
But, let's make this interesting.
When I win, one time over the next month, whenever I want, I can make you do the Chicken Dance.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Hmm but, wouldn't it be even more embarrassing if, instead of saying the lyrics, the loser has to say, "I'm a dummy dumb dumb" over and over? Bernard, she's clearly playing with you.
I'd back out.
Grandma, please, the adults are talking.
Shake on it? Great.
Now, we'll just look up the word "hand-burger.
" And it says "Did you mean hamburger, 'cause that's not a word" agh.
Oh, get ready to dance, Bernie Schotz.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
What did we learn today, Bernard? (sighs) When I talk, I lose.
Good.
And before you eat, wash your hams.
You know, I wasn't into this, but I'm glad you suggested we go to an open mic night.
Watching people do stand-up is gonna be great for me.
Me too! I'm so excited to see "people" do stand-up.
You said that weird.
But you say a lot of things weird, so I'll let it slide.
(cafe crowd claps) Hi, everyone.
We're your hosts.
I'm Brittany, and this is Whitney.
We're best friends.
Our friendship is based on a deep, deep connection.
Our names rhyme! Yeah, I met Whitney, and instantly thought, "Wow, horrible personality, terrible breath "but her name sounds like mine, so besties for life.
" Let's get to our first open mic-er.
This comic was so excited to perform she called here 10 times today to beg to be in the show.
(sing-songy) Embarrassing.
Give it up for Frankie Wong! - (cafe crowd claps) - What? Surprise! Paige, I told you I wasn't ready.
I don't have anything prepared.
I didn't even bring my comedy notebook.
I did! Frankie, you're the funniest person I know.
You can do this.
- (applause) - (Paige cheering) - Um hi.
I'm Frank - (loud mic feedback) ie.
Frankie.
I'm Frankie.
You're doing great! So, uh who here has a cereal bar in their kitchen? Right, well, how cool would it be to have a cereal car? So you could eat cereal every time you stop.
Like (imitates car screeching and eating) - (Paige laughs) - HECKLER: I don't get it! Is the car full of cereal, or made of cereal? Uh I'm not sure.
Ha.
I do know it runs on milk! Nothing? Okay, um Don't you hate it when your foam pit smells like arm pit? (Paige laughs) What's a foam pit? Also, I still need closure on the cereal car thing.
Uh I'm sorry, guys.
I wasn't ready for this.
The only reason I'm up here is because my friend Paige signed me up.
Paige is one of those overly positive people.
If she got hit by a car, she'd say, "At least, it wasn't a bus.
" And if she got hit by a bus, she'd say, "At least the car thing's over.
" - (crowd laughs) - Oh, okay, uh That's the thing when you have a friend who's so positive, you never know how you're actually doing.
Because, according to Paige, you're always doing great! You got parsley in your teeth? You're doing great! You stubbed your toe? You're doing great! You got abducted by aliens and they're sucking out your brains? You're doing great! This is so relatable! I have an annoying friend, too.
I mean, I wouldn't call optimism an annoying quality Sh-sh-sh-sh.
All right, that's all I got.
You were a pretty mediocre audience.
But as Paige would say CROWD: You're! Doing! Great! Yeah, ya are! I'm Frankie Wong, thanks for making me work for it.
(cheering and applause) Whoa, that went so much better than I expected.
Thank you so much for signing me up! Yeah, ha.
You're doing great.
You said it wrong.
It's, "You're! Doing! Great!" You'll get it.
Hey, Frankie.
Amelia, it's me, Paige.
Oh my gosh.
I just saw defeated posture and felt a wave of angry energy radiating off you, and assumed you were Frankie.
What's wrong? Frankie did her whole open mic night routine about me.
She kinda made fun of me.
(sucks air through teeth) Whoa Sounds like you need some advice.
And advice is Paige's thing.
But you're Paige.
(gasps) What happens when Paige needs Paige? Just nod and act like you're listening, even though you're not.
Mm-hmm, interesting Not to me! Oh, right, sorry.
Should I leave? Okay, let's give this a shot.
Now what did Frankie say about you? I don't know, she did, like, this weird impression of me, and people laughed.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm And how did this make your feelings feel? Um, I guess it made me self-conscious and awkward.
And did you tell Bernie how you feel - Frankie.
- Frankie? I can't! She had so much fun up there.
I don't want to be a downer and take that away from her.
So, what do you think I should do? Mm-mm.
You're in way over your head, girl! I'm out.
I'm in way over my head, girl! I'm out.
Hey, Paige.
I, um, I just wanted to check in about last night.
I didn't ask if I could talk about you on stage.
And I I was just nervous.
And people were laughing, so I kept going.
I-I-I just want to make sure you're cool with it.
Cool? Pfft, yeah, totally cool.
I'm-I'm no downer.
You were hilarious.
Great.
'Cause, uh, Brittany and Whitney asked me to perform again tonight and do more Paige jokes.
What?! I mean, great! I get "what" and "great" mixed up.
Hey, um, tonight you should do some jokes from your notebook.
Nah, the crowd really loved my Paige jokes.
Really? (laugh) Oh, now, that's great.
I'm gonna put that in my act.
"Reeaally?" Genius.
Oh, by the way, thanks again for encouraging me to do stand-up.
I wouldn't be up there doin' you if it weren't for you.
Hey, Horse Face Guy.
Do you have a second? I could really use someone to talk to.
Oh.
Oh no.
Don't drag me into this.
You think your own thoughts, horsie! Hey, Bernie.
Nice shirt.
You look good in blue.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
No, you cannot have this shirt.
You have to buy your own.
(laughs) You're so funny.
Funny looking! Wait Well see ya, Bernie.
Dude, way to go! Lindsey is totally into you.
Huh? You mean my shirt, right? She's totally into my shirt.
No.
She was complimenting your shirt because she wanted to talk to you.
That's what girls do when they like a guy.
Whoa Lindsey's totally into me.
W-what do I do now?2 Do I get a ring and propose? Do I meet her parents first? What if her dad asks me to join the family business? This is a lot of pressure.
I-I'm feeling smothered.
Maybe Lindsey and I need a break.
Bernie, calm down.
Just just go over and talk to her.
Ask if she wants to hang out after school some time.
Okay, thanks, Paige.
Hey, you don't see Amelia around, do you? Um, no, I think she went home, why? Let's just say I really don't feel like chicken dancing right now, you know what I mean? No Lindsey! Long time, no see.
(laughs) That's hilarious.
We literally just saw each other.
Yeah.
Hey, so, uh, do you like movies? No.
I love them! My favorites are comedies, dramas, dramedies BERNIE: (thinking) This is going really well.
I think I'm gonna ask her to hang out.
She's cute, she's fun we both like movies and my shirt Wait.
Why does that fake janitor look like Amelia? Oh no, it is Amelia! She's gonna embarrass you in front of Lindsey! Quick, think of one of your masterful plans! Ahh! (school bell rings) Okay bye.
Oh, hey, Amelia.
You got lucky this time, Chicken Boy.
But I'm comin' for you.
Remember: Anywhere.
Anytime.
I can't live in fear like this.
Amelia could dummy dumb dumb me at any time, anywhere.
It's psychological warfare! You just had to know the word hamburger, Bernard.
Hamburger! Look - I'll help you fix this.
- How? We'll put you in a made-up, embarrassing situation.
Amelia will see you, think it's the perfect time to cash in on the bet.
You'll do your stupid dance, but you won't care 'cause it's all fake.
Wow, Grandma.
That was surprisingly detailed.
Have you done this before? Let's just say making dumb bets runs in the family.
Ask your sister.
But I don't have a sis Oh, my gosh! I'm joking! (crowd laughing) My, uh, my friend Paige does this thing where whenever she says the word "really," her voice gets super high.
Like, (high-pitched) "really?!" "I like your top" (high-pitched) Really?! "I love this song.
" (high-pitched) Really?! "I robbed a bank and framed you for it.
" (high-pitched) Really?! I don't even know why they make car alarms anymore.
They should just use Paige's voice.
(imitating shrill car alarm) Really?! Really?! Really?! That's not what I sound like! Hey! There's Paige! Whaddya think? Should we get her up here? (crowd cheers, applause) (laughs awkwardly) Uh, no, um, that's okay.
Oh, c'mon! "You're doing great!" ALL CHANTING: "You're doing great! You're doing great! - You're doing great!" - (cheering and applause) Say hi, Paige.
Hi, Paige.
Look who's getting the laughs now.
Maybe she should have the mic instead of me.
- FRANKIE: Yeah? - (applause) Maybe I should.
You know, uh, I'm surprised Frankie's even doing comedy.
She's actually kinda lazy.
Like if she won the lottery, it'd be like, "Frankie, congratulations! "You won 50 million dollars! All you have to do is sign your name.
" And she'd be all, "F-R Ugh, it's too hard, forget it.
" Yeah, well, I might be lazy, but compared to Paige, a hummingbird is lazy.
He'd be all, "Hey guys, where are the flowers, I need breakfast.
" And she'd be all, "Where ya been? I already had breakfast, lunch, and, dinner!" Yeah, well, I may be a hummingbird, but Frankie's like a bear.
All she does is sleep, sleep, sleep, then she wakes up, and goes, (growls) "I'm angry!" Also, her feet smell like lasagna! Speaking of cheesy, Paige cried for a month when her goldfish died.
You know who didn't cry? The goldfish.
He was going down the toilet like, "I'm freeeeeee!" - Frankie eats her scabs! - CROWD: Eww! Gross.
(Brittany and Whitney laughing) Well, that got super uncomfortable.
Yeah, looks like we just found two new peeps for our Diss Battle later tonight.
Two comics going head to head, tearing each other apart.
Who thinks Paige and Frankie should come back and duke it out later? What do you think, Frankie? You wanna battle, or does it sound like too much work? I don't know, I think we're doing great.
What the heck was that? Oh, yeah? You don't like it so much when the jokes are about you, do you? What? Are you mad that I was talking about you on stage? Of course I am! I clearly told you that I didn't want you making jokes about me.
No, you didn't! You said it was cool and it was fine.
Well you should know me well enough to know that when I say things are fine, they're not fine.
Paige, that's crazy.
You should've just told me the truth.
Oh, so now I'm a dishonest crazy person? Why don't you put that in your stupid act? Oh, so now my act is stupid?! Whoa, ladies.
Save it for the stage.
The Diss Battle doesn't start for another hour.
C'mon, I'll give you some diss coaching.
Yeah, you need some coaching! Yeah, I'll coach your face! All right, we'll work on your comebacks.
I can give you some pointers, too.
After you're done with Paige, she's gonna crawl home crying to mommy.
Actually, she'll probably end up crying to me, 'cause we live together.
(laughs) Well, that's not gonna last.
What do you mean? Well, Brittany and I used to live together.
Used to? Yeah.
We used to be best friends.
Now, we just act like it.
It's pretty convincing, right? Wait, you're not actually best friends? How can we be? I mean, when you're up on that stage all the time insulting each other, you're bound to say things you can't take back.
You can't do diss comedy and be friends with the person you're dissing.
So, why do you do it? Duh, for the laughs.
So big deal, you lose a best friend.
If the crowd's laughing, it's worth it.
Hey, Whit? Just want to tell you, I still don't like you.
Okay, Amelia will be home soon, and I paid these guys to act like your buddies.
So, you ready to do the Chicken Dance? I guess.
I mean, it is still pretty embarrassing to do in front of all these tough guys.
(laughs) Pfft.
These wimps? Hey, Tank.
After this, you wanna go down to the basement and tussle? No way, Roz.
Doctor said you damaged most of my organs last time.
That's what I thought.
Would you rather pay the bet off in front of strangers or in front of Lindsey? She is cute I'll be the judge of that.
- (door closes) - Oh! Amelia's home! Places, people! (sighs) Bernie? - What's all this? - Oh, hey, Amelia.
I invited some of my bros from the gym over for a lift sesh.
I greatly value their opinion, and feel very vulnerable right now.
Well, it's clearly a perfect time for you to pay off our bet.
Yep, looks like I'm gonna be doing some dancing.
TANK: Whoa! (laughing) That was embarrassing! None of us are very smart, but we've never done that.
Well, that works out.
I was gonna make you do the Chicken Dance, but you already embarrassed yourself, so I'll save it for another time.
Amelia, no, I can't take this anymore! We faked this whole thing to trick you.
There's a girl at school who might actually like me, or maybe just my shirt, but I didn't want you to embarrass me in front of her.
Oh, my gosh I'm so sorry.
I didn't know this was torturing you so much.
Tell you what.
I'll call the bet off.
Really? Thanks, Amelia.
Sorry I was such a jerk about the whole hand-burger thing.
Tell you what.
I'll text Lindsey and see if she wants to go to the Paige and Frankie diss battle.
You wanna come? Yeah, it smells like gross dude sweat in here.
Thank you! (crowd laughing) Now, I don't want to say that Brittany's not smart, only because those words are too big, and she won't understand them! Good to hear you guys laughing.
You know laughter is the best medicine, which means Whitney's face must be curing the world.
That's it for us.
But up next, two girls who are gonna tear into each other.
- Paige and Frankie! - (applause, cheering) - You were terrible out there.
- You're terrible everywhere.
Hey.
What's wrong, Frankie? Gettin' cold feet? I'll even let you go first.
Yeah, I wanna go first.
You guys want to hear something juicy about Paige? CROWD: Yeah! Oh, this is gonna be good.
Paige Olvera is the best friend a girl could ever ask for.
Huh? Um (crowd murmuring) Oh, yeah? Well you guys wanna hear the worst thing about Frankie? CROWD: Yeah! You're gonna have to ask someone else 'cause I can't think of anyone I'm a bigger fan of.
Their tone is angry, but their words are nice.
Yeah, I've known these girls for three years, and I still can't figure 'em out.
I got more.
Paige is so cheap CROWD: How cheap is she? She's so cheap she can't afford to lose a best friend like me, who would loan her money if she ever desperately needed it.
- (mic drop) - (crowd boos) What does that even mean?! It means Frankie Wong is my best friend and she always will be.
And she's gonna be a huge stand-up comedian one day.
If that's what she wants.
She could also be a Supreme Court justice.
A funny one! Because now, more than ever, we need that.
- Love you.
- Love you more.
(applause) That was really fun, Bernie.
Thanks for inviting me.
Thanks for coming.
I had a great time.
Me, too.
Do you think we'll hang out again soon? Maybe.
I guess we'll just have to play it by year.
(laughs) You mean "play it by ear.
" Uh no.
The expression is definitely "play it by year.
" Care to make it interesting? I'm a dummy dumb dumb I'm a dummy dumb dumb I'm a dummy dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb I'm a dummy dumb dumb I'm a dummy dumb dumb I'm a dummy dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Let's give him a hand.