Bizaardvark (2016) s03e20 Episode Script

Rozes are Red

1 (sighs) The open road, the wind in my hair, nobody telling me what to do.
You're still at the curb, that's the AC, and as required by law, I absolutely will be telling you what to do.
GRANDMA: Or I'll just do it for you.
Thanks to the Vuuugle Van's remote technology, I can control everything with this tablet.
- Reverse.
- (tablet button beeps) (tires whir) - Forward.
- (tires whir) - (tablet button beeps) - Pine-scented air freshener.
- (air freshener sprays) - (coughing, choking) Too much nature! Too much nature! I regret nothing.
Now, take us out slowly.
Yeah, yeah.
A few months of this, then it's goodbye driver's permit, hello driver's license.
Then it's goodbye Malibu, hello trucking career.
You driving is the best.
I get all the perks, with none of the responsibility! It's like when someone blows out your birthday candles.
It takes all the pressure off the wish.
All right, slow down! You're learning to drive, not trying to win a drag race.
- Slow.
- (tablet button beeps) I know how to gradually press the brake pedal.
But sure, use the tablet.
I'm not offended.
I'm so glad.
Also I don't care.
Now, let's see you try to pass that car.
Give it some gas! Oh, actually, the van doesn't run on gas, it's electric, which means we're saving money, and the world.
(chuckles) Oh.
I am so me sometimes.
Well, I don't care what it runs on, you're not passing fast enough.
Grandma, I think I know what I'm doing.
You're talking to Frankie Wong, Super Driver! Woo! I have total faith in your driving skills, Frankie.
- That tablet's fully juiced, right? - Mm-hmm.
Nothing can stop you, Frankie! You can totally stop her, right? Go Frankie! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Our dad is here! Our dad is here! Our dad is here! Oh I thought there'd be more fanfare.
That's okay.
My girls are the only fanfare I need.
Gimme a hug.
- Ohh.
- (Amelia giggles) (sighs) Welcome to the Vuuugle House, Dad.
The foam pit's up there, the cupcake tube is over there, and the hot tub with the ocean view is on the back deck.
Wow, we live a charmed life.
Girls, I'm here to see you.
I don't need anything else.
But if that cupcake tube has confetti flavor with rainbow sprinkles, I-I do need that.
- (video game music) - Hey, Zane, wanna come meet our dad? I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of something very important.
A video game? (chuckles) This isn't just a video game.
It's "Bad Driver 2.
" Finally, America gets the sequel they never wanted.
and that's why I don't think it's weird to ask total strangers to feel my leg muscles.
You're a very odd boy, Bernard.
Hey, who's this tall glass of handsome? Young lady, you flatter me.
Yes, and you have accurately described me as young.
But inaccurately described me as a lady.
Seriously though, who is this person? Grandma, this is our dad.
Dad, this is a woman we're not related to who we call Grandma.
It's Roz, actually.
Or Rosalyn D.
Schotz, as I'm known to the cops in six different states.
Howdy, Roz.
My name's Red.
(romantic music plays) Oh, sorry about that.
That's the alarm on my phone.
It goes off whenever my blood pressure rises.
Well, that's too bad.
High blood pressure can be serious.
(romantic music plays) That's my alarm this time.
I need to go feed the meter.
Lucky meter.
Pleasure to meet you, Red.
Pleasure's all mine, Roz.
Ooh (chuckles) C'mon, Dad.
Um what was that about? I think your Grandma and my dad were (shudders) flirting.
(ringtone) Princess Puppy - She's got puppy power! - Oh.
That's my phone this time.
I have it set to go off every 15 minutes 'cause, you know straight fire.
Few thought anyone had the guts to drive to the Malibu Pier and back.
But no trip is too difficult for Frankie Wong, Super Driver! Let it be noted, I wanted to honk the horn in celebration, but that's unsafe.
Eh, I'll do it.
- (Vuugle Van's horn honks) - (other cars honk back) 'Ey! We're drivin' over here! Did you know car horns are the number one cause of noise pollution? Man! I cannot stop being me.
Forget noise pollution.
That guy must have nose pollution.
'Cause his finger is way up there.
I'm talking about boogers.
Uhp, looks like we got a turn ahead.
Fear not, passengers.
Blinker, brake, and smooth as butta.
We're home, folks.
Hope you guys enjoyed another flawless Frankie Wong driving - Horse Face Guy's cat! - (tires screech) (cat meows) Is everyone okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah My life flashed before my eyes.
It was quick but adorable.
We should check on the cat.
(seat belts unfasten) (van door opens) PAIGE: Cat Face Cat's okay, everyone! I can't believe that just happened.
I could've killed Horse Face Guy's cat.
I can't do this.
I'm never driving again.
Remember when I was talking about boogers? That was fun! and that is why I don't think it's weird to ask random strangers to feel my leg muscles.
I wasn't listening but eww.
- (Roz laughing) - Roz, I never would've known that if you scrape a penny on the sidewalk, you can make the parking meter think it's a dime.
Stick with me, Red.
I got a million tricks like that up my sleeve.
I love a woman who knows how to cheat a city out of tax revenue.
What do ya say we head to the deck and watch the sun set? The doctor says it helps reduce my rage.
I hate that know-it-all doctor! Maybe you should spend less time with the medical system, and more time with the Red-ical system, what! - What?! - What?! - What?! Woo! - Come on, now! Oh, no it's getting worse! Yeah! I've been taking the supplements, but my doctor says when I hit my 20s, it's gonna be all gone.
No, Bernie, the flirting.
Oh, yeah.
What's up with that? It's getting weird.
Well, the good news is, my dad's going back to Kentucky tomorrow.
So, after that, we won't have anything to worry about.
Pfft, says the girl with the flowing mane of hair.
I'd give anything for that bounce and volume.
Amelia! This is bad! (grunting) Red left a note for Grandma on her punching bag.
Why did you bring the punching bag? So you could see the note.
I feel like you're focusing on the wrong thing.
"Roz, at my age, I know a good thing when I see it.
"If you'd like to go on this journey with me, "let's get our rings on at the Courthouse at 5:00 P.
M.
"If you're not there, I'll know it's not meant to be.
Red.
" Oh.
My.
Gosh! Wait, I don't get it.
He's going to ask her to marry him! Which means we would be BOTH: Brother and sister.
Amelia! Did you take your makeup off with my Princess Puppy wash cloth? Uhh This was a collector's edition! It was in a frame for a reason! I'm sorry, gosh.
Hey, have you seen my hair extensions? Hmmm, I don't, uh, I don't think so Ughh! Those were in a frame for a reason! You seem upset.
Let's calm down by doing our brother-sister meditation.
(sighs) BOTH: Om, this is our life now, every day is terrible, how did we let this happen.
(both screaming) Oh, no.
We're already having the same fantasies.
We have to stop my dad from proposing to your grandma! - We cannot become brother and sister! - Agreed! But in case we do, I think we should talk matching outfits for the holiday photo.
I'm thinking sleeveless denim.
Paige, Frankie, we need your help! Amelia's dad wants to marry Grandma! - BOTH: What?! - He left her a note.
He wants to meet her at the courthouse at 5:00 PM tonight so he can put a ring on it.
- He cannot be my brother.
- I cannot be her sister.
Whoa, guys, slow down.
- Red and Grandma? That's - So beautiful! I was gonna say "gross," but.
We need you guys to keep Grandma out of the house so she doesn't find the note and show up at the courthouse.
If she misses the 5:00 P.
M.
deadline, Red will think she isn't interested, and he'll move back to Paris.
We're from Kentucky.
Ahh, the Paris of the south.
I don't know, guys.
Red seems like such a nice guy.
And standing in the way of love is a bad idea.
Because love, like Beyonce, cannot be stopped.
Unnecessary Beyonce shout-out, but okay.
Please! We cannot become siblings.
And it's not just about us.
Think about my sweet dad! Grandma is a total heartbreaker.
Need I remind you what a terrible track record she has with men? Twelve of them, to be exact.
Each of them shattered shells, scattered along the rocky shores of Roz.
That is a good point.
And so poetic.
What can I say? My grandma's my muse.
You know what you shouldn't say? That.
You guys are right.
I would hate to see Red get his heart broken.
Great.
We just need you and Frankie to take Grandma driving for a couple of hours.
Driving? Uh I don't know if that's such a good plan.
M-m-maybe Grandma's changed! Maybe she's ready to love! And, uh, hates driving.
BOTH: (in unison) That makes no sense.
(gasps) Oh no.
It's already happenin'.
We're becoming more alike with each passing second! Before you know it, we're gonna be doing brother-sister potato sack races.
I'm still gonna win, but I'm not gonna like it! Oh, you know what I just remembered? We can't go driving.
Grandma's out for the day.
Hey, guys, what's up? Or in for the day.
What's up is me, you, and Frankie need to go driving.
You know, 'cause she needs to get her practice hours in.
Unless you're busy.
Are you busy? You seem really busy.
If I were busy, would I be talking to you ding-dongs? See you downstairs in five.
Thank you so much, guys.
Oh, while you're out, we're gonna work on convincing my dad that Grandma's not marriage material.
GRANDMA: Make it 20.
I gotta hit the can! For one of my long visits.
Shouldn't be too hard.
(cars racing in video game) You're still playing "Bad Driver 2"? Can't talk.
Playing "Bad Driver 2.
" How can you spend so much time in front of a screen when it's so nice outside? The game takes place outside.
Just play it, maybe you'll like it.
All right.
I'll try.
But I'm sure it'll be no match for nature's endless splendor.
I'm a bad driver! Mama likey this game! Okay, ready for Operation: "Stop My Dad from Marrying your Grandma"? Not loving the operation name.
Can we pitch on it? No.
Coo, coo.
Wow, can you believe this video? I know.
I mean, I've seen Grandma lose her temper, but nothing like this.
What are you guys watching? Oh hi, Dad! (stammers) I didn't even see you there! Uh, we were just watching footage from Bernie's fifth birthday party.
A clown gave my grandma a balloon animal she was not happy with.
Check it out.
- (balloon squeaks) - GRANDMA: What is this, a poodle?! I asked for a Norwegian Wolverine! (slide whistle) Don't you slide whistle me, ya low-rent, garbage birthday clown! - It's punching time! - (whack) - (clown groans) - (whacks continue) - (slide whistle) - (clown grunts) I can't believe Roz did this.
- I despise - This kind of behavior, sure.
Grandma is a total loose canon.
No.
Clowns.
I despise clowns! You do? They terrify me.
That's why I feel so safe hangin' around your grandma.
She's like a Clown Ninja Warrior, man! She's the best, isn't she? - (fighting continues) - Oh, looks like the magician is getting involved now.
Get him, Roz! What is that? Wind? Are we swaying? What's happening? Hey, great idea driving so slow to keep Grandma away from Red's proposal.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's why I'm driving so slow, and why my knuckles are so white.
(gasps) Ohh! A new game! Let's try this one! - (tires screech) - (Frankie gasps) Oh, good, we stopped at the red light.
Ohh, red light.
Just like Red Duckworth.
Both'll make you stop in your tracks.
Uh-huh, um uh hey, speaking of something else, um y-you know what I love? Current events.
In fact, in this article I read Ahh, Red.
Like Red Duckworth.
Uh-huh, um Hey! How 'bout we read road signs? Oh, like that one.
"Ducks for sale, $200.
" Pfft, oh c'mon, who can say what a duck's worth? (sighs) Red Duckworth (sighs) That one's on me.
There's just something about Red.
I've never felt this way before.
We just laugh, and have fun, and wanna be around each other a lot.
I think I'm in love with Red! You are?! Well, that changes everything! Frankie, come on.
We have to go home and get Grandma back to her soulmate! Go home? (sigh of relief) Sweeter words have never been spoken.
What's happening? - Frankie, turn around.
- I-I-I-I'm trying.
- Frankie, why are you speeding up? - I'm not! The van's not responding! PAIGE & GRANDMA: What?! Where's the remote tablet? I'm outta control, and I'm loving every minute of it, baby! You're scaring me.
I'm scaring me! ALL: Ahhh! Turn left! ALL: Ahhh! Turn right! ALL: Ahhh! Ooh! Drive down those stairs! ALL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Betcha can't do spin-out donuts.
Watch and learn, sucka! ALL: Ahhh! I'm gonna throw up! Aim that way! You better watch out for that football field.
I think you mean that football field better watch out for me.
ALL: Ahhh! I hate football! Oh look, there's a girl on that team.
You go, girl! Aww, a barn! Reminds me of back home! Know what I can't do back home?! - (chicken squawks) - ALL: Ahhh! BOTH: Wooo! ALL: Ahhh! BOTH: Wooo! ALL: Ahhh! That was so awesome! I'm bored now.
Wanna pause it and go play outside? Sure.
- (tires halt) - (Paige sharply exhales) Are we alive or the other one? We're alive somewhere in the woods.
And look, the remote driving light went out.
Whoever was controlling the van turned off the tablet.
Frankie, get us out of here! I can't! I'm done with driving! I knew I never should've gotten back in this van.
What are you talking about? - I thought you loved driving.
- I did! But then I almost killed Horse Face Guy's cat the other day! But you didn't.
Cat Face Cat was fine! Only because Grandma stopped the van! I didn't stop the van.
What? You had the remote.
Yeah, but I didn't use it.
That was all you.
You hit the brakes.
You see, Frankie? You are a good driver! Your instincts saved a cat.
Now, let's get Grandma home ASAP! Why? What's the rush? Do you want to tell her, or should Red's gonna propose to you! I'll tell her.
Red's gonna propose?! Oh! That's amazing! Out of the driver's seat, Glasses, I got a date with destiny.
No, if anybody's driving this van, it's Frankie Wong, - Super Driver! - Yes! Also, there was a girl on the football team! What a day! Hi, Dad, you going somewhere? Uhh I was just about to go to the courthouse.
Well, that's interesting information we're just learning now.
But before you leave to go do whatever potentially life-ruining thing you were about to do, we ran into some gentlemen we think you should meet.
Come on in, fellas! (chains rattling) Mr.
Duckworth, meet my grandma's ex-husbands.
Well, the three we could find.
The others are either in jail, on the run, or whereabouts unknown.
This is Steve, though he prefers Sir Steve now.
Ever since he and my grandma broke up, he dresses up and pretends to be a medieval knight on the weekends.
It's called larping.
He's an adult larper.
Well, howdy, Sir Steve.
(chains rattling) And this wild man is Wayne.
Tell my dad what you got into after Roz dumped you, Wayne.
One evening, while slumbering in my rented one-bedroom condo, I was abducted by aliens from the planet Alf-Tonia in the undiscovered Meglabron galaxy.
But don't ask the government.
They'll deny everything.
Yeah, so that's Wayne.
And that is Marvin.
He and my grandma were married for five days, and since then, he's been a minor league baseball mascot for five years! (fog horn) What'd he say? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was sad.
You see, Dad, a marriage to Roz can really change a man.
Yeah, I love my grandma, but she's kind of a life destroyer.
Okay.
Why are y'all telling me this? Just making small talk.
Your grandma was right.
You're an odd boy.
C'mon, fellas, I'll give you a tour.
What are we gonna do? We're running out of time! I don't know.
Who are those train wrecks? Those are Grandma's ex-husbands.
We're trying to convince your dad not to marry her, but I don't think it worked.
Dad's gonna marry Grandma? So, you're gonna be our brother? That's weird.
Fun! But weird That's why we've been trying to stop it.
But Dad's about to go to the courthouse to meet Grandma, and I don't think there's anything we can do.
The Courthouse? Like the restaurant where Dad and Grandma ate the other night? BOTH: Uhhh They have the best onion rings there.
It's the diner to get your rings on.
So, he didn't mean engagement ring, he meant onion ring.
And The Courthouse isn't a courthouse, it's a diner! Why would they get married at a diner? Bernie! (sighs heavily) They're not getting married! We're not gonna be brother and sister after all! (Grandma panting) Red, I heard about your note! Uhhh, funny story about that Bernard, zip it.
I'm about to make a very emotional speech.
Red, you're the kindest, funniest, most big-hearted man I've ever met.
Spending time with you has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
And I know life is short after the crazy van ride I just went through.
It's true.
We destroyed a football field.
And a barn.
I guess what I'm trying to say is Red Duckworth will you marry me? I'm a man of few words, but I got four for you.
Let's get married, Roz! What?! Oh wait, that was five.
(cheering and clapping) Love wins! Grandma's gonna be my something! Wait, why are my ex-husbands here? If the government asks, we never were.
Let's go to The Courthouse and get our rings on! - I'll drive! - No, you won't! Shotgun! We're gonna be brother and sister.
Uh, okay, okay, let's just process and relax.
BOTH: Om, this never would've happened if we hadn't have gotten involved.
Ahhhhhh!