Black-ish (2014) s04e04 Episode Script

Advance to Go (Collect $200)

1 Dre: In my family, between the giant age range and all our different interests [Sniffs] Nice! That was my card! it's hard to find a game we can all play.
Mount Rushmore! A cloud? A-An amoeba? Madagascar! O-Oh, a blob! - Texas! - [Bell dings] - What? - It's a ghost! Get her! Get her! - What are you Oh, my God.
- Get her! So when I want to get everyone together for game night, I have to bring out the big dog "Monopoly.
" Aside from chess and checkers, it's the most popular game on earth.
"Monopoly" is life.
Hold up.
That's confusing since "Life" is also a game.
The point is, with "Monopoly," how you play reveals who you are.
For example, Diane is a killer.
Guys! Game time! And Jack is never gonna make it.
Just like in life, "Monopoly's" all about who you team up with and Bow and I are inseparable.
We got the shoe? - You know it.
- [Laughs] Because only weirdos are wheelbarrows.
- Oh, God, I love game night.
- Mm-hmm.
We get to be all cozy, just family.
- Hey, guys! - Hi.
Hey.
and an interloper no one likes.
Ooh! I call the wheelbarrow.
Hi, Dr.
Johnson, Mr.
Johnson.
I brought you some wine.
Oh, how nice.
How rude.
We could be alcoholics.
She don't know.
Be nice.
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you, minor with alcohol, roping us in to your felony.
[Chuckles] Hey, Megan.
What's up? We're the dog.
Don't even try.
Rainbow: Oh.
Diane.
Since there are so many of us, we play with partners, so She's the brain, I'm the hands.
And we are an established partnership - Mm-hmm.
- not some high-school fling.
Oh, and remember, this is about fun.
Yeah.
[Chuckles] - And winning.
- Sure.
Fun and winning.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe.
Well, nobody sleeps better than a winner.
Uh, Dad is obsessed with winning because he never does.
They do.
[DMX's "Where the Hood At" plays] Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at Have that in the cut, where the wood at? - Dee, waah, unh - Unh! Looking good, Mrs.
Johnson.
Back at you, Mr.
Johnson.
- Come on.
Let's get it.
- Hey! Yo! Mm-hmm.
Unh-unh.
I thought they were divorced.
Oh, we are.
Violently so.
Yeah.
You see, this nightmare of a man ruined my life, but I wouldn't have anybody else as my "Monopoly" partner.
- Hey! - They are ruthless.
Hey, hey, it's just a friendly family game, Junior.
Uh-huh.
Everybody, $10 on the Free Parking.
You know the rules.
- Here we go.
- Give it up, give it up.
- Give it up, give it up.
- I've never heard of that.
- See, in my family - No one cares what you do.
This is "Black Monopoly," so let me break down the rules for you, all right? - No side-coaching - Mnh-mnh.
- no gifting of money - Mnh-mnh.
but loans are allowed.
Just know you're never gonna get your money back.
You cannot collect rent while you're in jail - Yep.
- and Pops does not pay income tax.
Reparations.
And do not forget about the Andre Johnson Man Baby Tax.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Junior: Oh! If you lose your temper - and you flip the board - Ruby: Mm-hmm.
you owe everyone an actual $100.
- Diane: Yep.
- Uh-huh.
I got this scar from a flying top hat hitting me in 2015.
Ooh.
But I got paid, though, you know what I'm saying? - [Indistinct chatter] - Green money! Green money! - Let's play.
- Let's do it! - My baby don't mess around - both: All right.
- Listen up.
- Yes! Because she loves me so, and this I know fo sho [All cheering] - 1, 2, 3, 4! - Yeah! Hey, move me! - But does she really want to - Hey, that was crazy! - But can't stand to see me - [Laughs] - Walk out the door? - Diane: All right, all right, all right.
Aah! - Shake it, sh-shake it - Oh! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- Shake it, sh-shake it - All: Ohh! Come on.
Give me 5 to stay alive.
Like a Polaroid picture - Hey! - Hey ya [Dice clacking] - Hey - [Music stops] [Clacking continues] Okay.
This is why people hate you.
Okay.
Okay.
- [Dice clatter] - Oh.
Can I get another try, just all: No! [Ding!] Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Yes! All right.
All right, come on, Community Chest! Okay.
Talk to me.
"You've won second prize in a beauty contest.
[Singsong voice] Collect $10!" Can't even come in first in a made-up contest.
Okay, I'm still very much - younger than you in real life.
- Baby.
- All right, all right.
- So Shh.
- Ooh.
1, 2, collect $200.
- $200! 3, 4 Baltic.
We'll take it.
Oh, statistically speaking, I wouldn't do that.
Unless you own four houses, Baltic and Mediterranean is a terrible investment.
Uh, statistically speaking, Junior, you need to shut [bleep] up.
[Ruby laughs] - Give me $60.
- [Laughing] All right.
Hey.
When did I have cashews? - Ah, 1, 2, 3, 4.
- Unh, unh, unh, unh.
- Kentucky Avenue! - Ooh! [As Foghorn Leghorn] Oh, I say, I say, you owe me $18 for Kentucky, sir.
3, 4.
[Brooklyn accent] $200 for New York Avenue? [Brooklyn accent] Forget about it! Okay.
Unh, unh, unh.
St.
Charles Place.
Who owns that? [Jamaican accent] Hey, mon.
Pay me now.
Lord, have mercy.
What you think this is? Shabba! [Normal voice] I'm sorry.
My family went to Sandals.
[Groans] - Okay.
- Yes! That's your third double! - [Laughs] - [Normal voice] No! Can't go to jail again.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
I will sell you my Get Out of Jail Free card for a dollar.
Wait.
We don't need her help.
Why don't you just take it, honey? Let's win on our own.
You know what? Mom, I don't need your help.
- What? - You know my girl.
She got me while I'm serving my nickel.
Gonna put money on my books.
- Yuck.
- Ain't that right, boo? I'm scared to say anything this time.
- [Baby crying] - You know what? Okay.
I will be right back.
Keep playing without me.
- [Dice clatter] - You sure? You know, I'm happy to wait.
Means less if you roll before you say it, Dre! New York! We own it.
Oh, sorry.
No rent for jailbirds.
That's white justice.
[Laughs] Oh! Another double! Suddenly, with Bow gone, I could feel my luck changing.
Marvin's Garden! Uh-huh.
I'll take it.
Dad, it's Marvin Gardens.
- $20 change, please.
- Not Marvin's Garden.
It's like it's not Olive's Garden.
You talkin' 'bout how my baby loves Olive's Garden? Y'all are just jealous because I got the first Monopoly.
Oh, we got a Monopoly? No, I got a Monopoly, Albatross.
What? You know, now I'm finally starting to understand why I always lose.
Why? 'Cause you're bad at this? Children, how about I give you Vermont Avenue - What? - and $100 - No! - if you take Mommy on your team.
Wha $200, and you agree not to have any more children.
- Okay, that's a decision I have no.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- No.
No, okay.
- Jack: Thank you.
- I don't know what is going on here.
- What's going on? - That's exactly why I sold you.
- You sold me? - Uh-huh.
Now, please, go on.
Get up over there.
Your team awaits.
- Oh my God.
- Your team awaits.
It's time for Daddy to shine because this couch is all mine.
- Wow.
Okay.
Sure.
- [Laughs] So, I'm finally living now that something has separated me and Bow - me.
- Let me squeeze in.
- Mom.
- Okay.
I'm fine.
- Hold on.
Help me in, then.
- Aah! - Ooh.
- I got it.
Ugh.
Damn velour.
Doesn't breathe.
We never should have changed what worked.
Won on you We won on you, we won Won, won, won-won, won, won-won, won, won I loved those suits.
I never would have blown your boat up if I knew those suits were on it.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
Jack, don't make any deals or trades without me.
- Understand? - Okay.
All right.
Hey, Jack.
How about I trade you Short Line for Pacific Avenue? Uh, Diane said no trades.
Okay, how about you give me that one, and I'll give you this one? Oh.
A give-and-give! - Mm-hmm.
- Sure.
No, no! Don't do it.
Hey, no side-coaching.
Sweetheart, it's not a good trade.
No side-coaching! I'm on his team now.
Statistically, Short Line is worthless without the other three railroads, and you don't have them.
Now, maybe Grandma and Pops, they'll sell theirs to you.
Stop lyin' to the boy.
You know we never go easy on anybody.
We want our money, man! Ruby: I swear to God, little boy! Okay.
[Whispers] Hey, Jack.
[Normal voice] You just do what you think is right, and everyone will respect you for it.
Okay? Jack.
You know what the right thing to do is.
Think, honey.
Let's trade.
- Aw, man! - [Laughs] Dumb baby.
- Dad! - Dre.
He is a dumb baby.
Look.
This is my corner.
I own this corner.
Ah! I am a corner boy! - [Laughs] - Diane: What did you do? You're just the hands.
I'm the brains! Okay, I'd like three houses, please.
- Oh, Lord.
- Are you sure you want to do that, Dre? You know, you might overextend yourself.
You know what? Give me six more houses.
You can't hold me back anymore.
I got this.
- Oh, look at this.
- [Chuckles] Look at this.
Uh-huh.
Come to my corner, 'cause the corner is always open! - Like your mouth.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, now.
Oh, look at that, look at that.
- What you got, Pops? What you got? - 2, 3.
Yes! [Groans] Atlantic.
Damn! That's $800, old man! Count it out slowly.
[Exhales forcefully, dice clack] Uh-huh.
Ooh! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
This don't look good.
Rainbow: Mnh, mnh, mnh No! Ooh! Another eight hundy! You know what? I'ma come around there, 'cause I want you to put it in my waistband.
- Come on.
- Don't do that.
- Stop acting a fool.
- Okay, mama.
Grandma, will you loan us $200? We never loan, we never sell.
What's in the brassiere stays in the brassiere.
Except for when you're napping on the couch.
My waistband is waiting.
Oh, God.
[Laughs] Oh, it's so unappealing.
Here you go, Dre.
Just go.
I'll see you and your mama on the street.
Get out of here.
Listen, I'm gonna fix this.
Junior.
Can you lend us $200? - Sure.
- Oh.
We really shouldn't.
We're saving for a house on New York.
Oh.
[Laughs] Megan really loves theater.
[Both chuckle] - [Wheelbarrow clacking] - Hey.
Uh-oh.
You owe me $390, Jungle Fever.
Can we borrow $200? No, they don't Yeah, I guess we could do that.
Wait a minute.
Whatever happened to, "We never loan, - we never sell"? - Yeah.
We never lend or sell to you people, but there's something about her just feels, I don't know, a little more trustworthy.
Yes, it does.
Come on, now.
Y'all all know she's good for it.
This is the worst day ever.
[Vic Mensa's "U Mad" plays] - Ooh - Aah! - I don't need y'all either - Pops: 7, 8, 9.
Oh, no! - Yeah! - Damn! Ooh, don't wanna talk about it $50 from every player.
- Like I don't know nobody - [Laughs] - Aw.
- For God's sake, boy.
Gettin' on my nerves.
Give it to him! Oh, you mad, huh? Oh, you mad, huh? Ooh - Oh, you mad, huh? - Bam! I'm rich! - I'm rich! - Jack: Oh! [Laughs] I'm rich! I'm riiiiiiiiiiiiiiich! - [Music stops] - Where'd you get those from, Dre? Not a strip club, 'cause I don't go to them.
Will you just roll the damn dice, then? [Laughs] On my own, I was unstoppable.
Victory was just around the corner.
6, 7, 8, 9 10.
Finally! Finally! Park Place with a hotel.
- You owe us $1,500.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's chump change.
- Give it here.
- Chump change.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Roll again.
Roll again! Come on, snake eyes! Come on! [Chuckles] Just look in the mirror.
You can see them.
Oh! - [Laughing] - Sweet Black Jesus! Sweet Black Jesus! $2,000! $2,000.
[Laughs] You in trouble there, Dre? No.
I'm a real estate impresario.
I'll get it back as soon as one of you fools check into my huge, luxurious hotels.
You're Donald Trump.
- Rainbow: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I am Donald Trump.
[Laughs] Oh! 5.
All right.
Oh! Passed Go.
Give me $200, Pops.
- Pops: All right, all right.
- 3, 4, 5.
No! Ha! Income tax! [Laughs] [Singsong voice] There goes your $200.
- [Laughter] - Boom! You know what? I don't need it.
Did the impossible - Oh! - Now we're unstoppable - 3, 4, 5, 6.
- Whoo! Let's go! - [Laughs] 1, 2, 3.
Can't stop, never sleep 'cause you know we Did the impossible, now we're unstoppable Push the line every time, never quit Dig deep, always fight, always win Can't stop, never sleep 'cause you know we Did the impossible Push the line every time, never quit Dig deep, always fight, always win Looks like you're gonna have to turn a few tricks on that empty corner there, corner boy.
[Laughter] [Singsong voice] Corner boy.
Corner boy.
- [Jack chuckles]- Shut up.
Ruby: Oh.
[Dramatic music plays] 5, 6, 7, 8.
Short Line.
- Oh! - [Normal voice] Ha! Ha! Pay me! [Laughs] Pay Pay us.
Pay Pay us, 'cause we're a team.
We're, like Yeah.
Guys, this is just a game, so, like, calm down, right? Whatever.
25 bucks ain't nothing.
I got that.
Well, uh, not if I give him Reading Railroad.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Now you owe them $50.
You know what? Why not make it $100? Oh! Okay.
Rainbow: Nice.
Uh, why are all you guys ganging up on me like this? Because it's fun to see you lose.
Oh, yes, it is.
Here, baby.
Take B&O, too.
- [Squeals] - Bury him.
- Mama.
- [Ruby chuckles] This is against the rules.
You all know that you cannot give him your property! But they can all sell them to me for the hefty price of $1.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles] Let get me that paper, playboy.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, I mean, you know, I could I can scrape that together.
- I mean, you know, I just have to - Give me my money.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, i-i-i-it's here somewhere.
I just have to You know, I just got to Give me my money! Okay.
All right.
Uh You know, uh, my secret stash money I put under the board is all gone.
Might be under the table money, 'cause, you know, it went all over the place.
Uh [Suspenseful music plays] Bra money, mama? Oh, hell, no.
I'ma ask you one more time, [Scoffs] dumb baby.
[Gasps] Ooh.
My real estate empire has failed.
I have no friends.
Oh, my God.
I am Donald Trump.
Sad.
Fake game! I was cheated bigly! Her e-mails! Her e-mails! Stupid Hillary! Stupid Hillary! Put her in jail! $100! Real money! [All cheering] Yeah! - Fork it over! - Hey! You're not getting a penny! - [Laughs] - Hey, I'll see you on the streets! [Laughter] Wow.
Black Monopoly is wild! Pops: Uh, little white girl, when you go home and you tell your family about tonight, I suggest you just say "Monopoly.
" [Cheers] So, "Monopoly" revealed some new truths.
Jack was gonna make it, and maybe I couldn't do it alone.
[Laughs] I'm going to count that as a win.
We were right on track until your son threw a temper tantrum.
To the Dream Team.
Mm, yes, Lord.
Mm.
That was fun.
You know what, Ruby? I really miss you handing me money out your brassiere.
I miss hearing you talk to little white girls like that.
[Both chuckle] Now, why didn't we work again? Because you slept with all my girlfriends.
And you blew up both my boats.
Hmm.
Reparations.
You think we ought to make another go? I mean, we might make it this time.
All your girlfriends are dead.
And you don't have any more boats.
I got to say, Jack, you really handled yourself in that game.
You might actually make it without a full-time caretaker.
I swallowed a hotel.
[Sighs] This was fun.
Your dad is intense, but cool.
Your mom, though, is not nice at all.
Look, I like you, Megan, but I think you should know that's my mom.
Totally! Totally.
Totally.
And, out of respect for your mom, I'm not going to invite you back to my house where my parents are out of town and the Jacuzzi is a comfortable 97 degrees.
She was totally out of line.
I will testify against her.
Tell me more about this Jacuzzi.
Marvin's Garden is where it all went wrong.
Oh.
Maybe I should've taken the purple then the light blue corner.
But wait.
Megan was obviously attracted to me.
Maybe I should have used that to my advantage.
What are you doing? Oh, trying to figure out where I went wrong.
[Chuckles] In general or just today? You know what? - I deserved to lose.
- Mm.
I've been thinking about it, and I probably shouldn't have sold you.
Ah.
But when I had these dice in my hand, it was so clear to me that my life would have been so much better without you in it.
- Dre.
- [Chuckles] But, without you in it to balance me, - I became a monster.
- Mm-hmm.
A broke, friendless monster.
I know.
You're lost without me.
- It's true.
- Mm-hmm.
- You make me a better man.
- Yes.
Yes, I do.
Hey, remember that time you went to that conference in Montreal? Mm-hmm.
Me and the kids survived on Hot Pockets for five days, not warmed up.
Why didn't you just order take-out like I do? - Huh.
It never occurred to me.
- [Chuckles] I need you, baby.
Aww.
Honey, I need you, too, 'cause one day's, a woman's gonna take Junior away from me, and all I'll have is you.
Huh? Just you.
Ooh.
And because you love me.
Sure.
Yeah.
[Chuckles] I love being on your team.
I love being on your team.
- You know, babe.
- Mm-hmm, I'ma get back to this game.
I'ma figure this out.
- I'm going to bed.
- Okay.
- Good night, baby.
- Good night.
Love you.
Love you, too.
All right, so - if I roll that - [Dice clack] Come on, Dre! It's time to go trick-or-treating! Well, some people think you shouldn't be able to go until you pay up.
It's me.
- [Chuckles] - Come on.
Okay.
- For you.
That one.
- Thank you.
- [Muttering] - Thank you.
You take that one.
Yeah, put it in my waistband! Unh! Unh! - Take that one.
- Thank you.
So, I can still be a part of the family costume? [Deep voice] Dad, you are my father.
- [Rainbow laughs] - Junior: Jack, we've practiced this.
You can't lead with "Dad.
" It ruins the reveal that he's your father! [Normal voice] What's the difference? "What's the difference"? It's only one of the most important scenes in cinematic history.
Help me, Devante.
You're my only hope.
[Gravelly voice] Devante, you're my only son.
- [Scoffs] Dre.
- Okay.
Nonsensical.
You're Darth Vader.
He's Yoda.
[Sighs] Oh, God.
Okay.