Black-ish (2014) s04e03 Episode Script

Elder. Scam.

1 DRE: Black women.
They're the pillars holding up our entire community.
Throughout our history, they've been everything from emancipator to educator to multi-million-dollar moneymaker.
And because they're so important, they're often seen as powerful, invincible, ageless.
And they are.
Our expectations mean that black women are supposed to be wise and strong, work at a job all week and raise children, cook meals, and in doing so, never miss a beat, never show any weakness, mentally or physically.
They're our queens.
That's why I'm so happy I have a queen of my own.
My mama.
Dre.
Now, I didn't want to bother you with this because I know you got your hands full with the new baby.
Yeah, he's exhausted.
Junior's been kidnapped.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Earlier today, I got a call asking for his ransom.
- Um - But since they told me not to call you, I took care of it myself.
I went on down to the bank, wired the kidnappers the money, - BOW: Wha [GROANS] - along with my e-mail passwords and a couple of old pay stubs.
We're gonna get your boy back.
Mama, what are you talking about? Junior is right there.
Mama.
You got scammed? Mama, how could you not know about the kidnapping scam? It's been all over the news.
You know I don't watch the news.
My television stays on Centric.
And no alarm bells went off when a stranger asked you to send them money? Or when they said they wanted Junior? - Hey! - Mama.
It worries me that you fell for this.
Well, it worries me that you fell for Rainbow.
- What? - Talk about a scam.
Okay, I'm the best thing that happened to him, Ruby.
Baby, this neighborhood is making her soft, 'cause when we lived in the 'hood, my mama was the one doing the scamming, not getting scammed.
Oh! What? [GASPING] Oh, wait! I can see! I can see! Oh, my God! I got legs! I can walk! Thank you, Black Jesus! Dre, that was a really long time ago.
It's possible your mom got scammed because 'cause she's getting old.
Hey, my mama is young and vibrant.
Dre, your mom was the victim of an elder scam, all right? And it happens.
It just happened to my parents.
The Prince Emineke Nigerian phishing scam? - Yeah.
- Ha! - That's my mama! - What?! Ha! I told you she still got it, Bow! Your parents are the ones that we need to worry about.
Your mother conned my parents? - Why would she do that? - I don't know.
Maybe she needed something she couldn't afford.
Ha! I don't know.
The point is, your parents are dumb and my mama is young.
- Ha ha! - Okay.
Okay.
How many robes do I need to pack for college? Nothing matters.
Donald Trump is president.
Dude, that's what you said when I asked about shower shoes.
Zoey.
Hey.
Oh! Oh.
I didn't know someone was in your room.
[CHUCKLING] I wasn't expecting that.
Not that it matters.
It's fine.
It's okay.
'Cause it's a progressive household.
We did have a have a rule that there were no boys allowed in the bedroom, but in this case, it doesn't matter, 'cause you're a man! [LAUGHS] How old are you, man? - Um, 19.
- 19? Oh, so my goodness.
That's a man born in the '90s in my teenager's bedroom.
[CHUCKLES] That is That is great.
- Mom! - Huh? Mm-hmm? This is my friend Aaron.
- Hello! Friend Aaron.
- Hey.
- Bow Johnson.
- Nice to meet you.
Yes.
I'm her mom.
So, we met at pre-frosh weekend, and he's down for a music festival.
- Ooh, yes! - So I said he could crash here.
- Crash - So, let's just stop being weird about it.
I'm not being weird! Nothing's weird.
Honey, you know I can be weird.
I mean, when I'm weird, I'm weird! [LAUGHS] [HUSHED] Weird! - You're being weird.
- Like, really like, really weird.
- O-Okay.
Can you please go now? - Like, really Okay.
Yes, of course.
- I'm gonna go.
- And if you could just, like, - close that door behind you - I'm closing it.
Closing! Click! - Mom! - Oh.
Oh.
- Mom, come on! - Okay.
[GROANS] It's okay.
[SIGHS] Hmm.
- So - Oh! What? You think she's active? That is none of my business.
Or yours.
Well, as long as she's living under your roof, it's our business.
Zoey is leaving for college soon, and I just have to trust that what I taught my daughter has prepared her for the world.
- Has it, though? - Has What? Has I was doing some research online, and it turns out, college is basically just a Juicy J music video.
Really, Junior? Would the Internet exaggerate? That's what the Internet is.
An exaggeration.
[SIGHS] Sorry I'm late, guys.
Oh, no.
You're fine, Dre.
We tell you the meetings start 20 minutes before they actually do.
[CHUCKLES] What's your excuse today? Uh, another O.
J.
verdict? No.
I had to cancel my mother's credit cards.
- She got scammed.
- Ohh! The same thing happened to my mom when she turned 80.
Somebody froze her assets and had her declared incompetent.
- What? - Dad, that was you.
Yeah, it was.
I got tired of waiting to inherit the boat.
Sorry I'm late.
My bathtub was full of tarantulas.
No problem, Charlie.
You're right on time.
Dre was just telling us about how his ancient mother got scammed.
That's the first time that anyone has ever called Ruby Johnson "ancient.
" - She's old.
- Ruby's your mother? - Yeah.
- I thought you was her father.
- What? - No, no, no.
Dre, you have to admit, it's hard to tell.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
Black don't crack.
Mm.
That didn't sound right.
No, it did not.
But true black don't crack.
Guess how old fine Angela Bassett is.
Wow! She's 59! What?! Tina Turner is 77! Whoa.
Crispus Attucks is 294.
Wow.
Black people do keep their looks as they get older.
Mm-hmm.
Still, I would not trade places with any of you.
Oh, it seems so hard.
[CHUCKLES] I would not last a day.
Whew.
You know, black people have no right to look as good as they do, considering that they've had to put up with so much crap.
But still, we hold it down.
- Yeah on the outside.
- Hm? But on the inside, our brains are scrambled.
From racism, poverty, crime, general stress, we're twice as likely to develop Alzheimer's than white folks.
Uh I'm very sorry that your mother has dementia, Dre.
My mother's fine.
She's lived practically a stress-free life, if you don't count the fact that she had to raise me alone, work three jobs, and shoot my father.
Uh, don't mean to sound insensitive, Dre, but, uh, your mother has Alzheimer's bingo.
CONNOR: Yeah, every letter.
- Every letter.
- Yeah.
Ugh.
Frederick Douglass is not looking great for 199.
Hey, dum-dum, grab me a soda.
Dum-dum? Hello Is it me you're looking for? [LAUGHING] Ho! Um I'm sorry.
Uh, I thought you were my brother.
- Mm.
- He is dumb.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] I'm Diane Marie.
Diane Marie, I'm Aaron.
Nice to meet you, queen.
Pleasure's all mine.
Mm-hmm.
Ohhh.
What the hell was that? The story that you're gonna tell at my wedding.
I am going to marry him.
Not to be that guy, but you don't have a shot, Diane.
- Why not? - Zoey.
Pssh! She ain't got nothing on me.
What Aaron and I have is magnetic.
You just can't see it because you're using our parents as an example of what passes for a happy marriage.
[SIGHS] After all that talk about dementia at work, I realized I needed to check in with my mom.
Hey.
Ma.
- Hmm? - How you doing? - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Who's president? Boy, what are you talking about? Nothing.
It's just that, after you wired all that money to some kidnappers, I just want to make sure that you're okay.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Good.
You know, because you had some stress in your life, and I just want to make sure it doesn't get in the way of your golden years.
"Golden years"? Well, Mama, you know, not golden golden, but just, like, yellow arches Yeah, well, let me ask you this would somebody in their golden years be going to see Kid Capri at the Palladium tonight? Now, I done told you I'm fine.
- [ENGINE STARTS] - You're right, Mama.
[TIRES SQUEAL] Oh! [DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE] Damn! I'm okay, baby! I'm okay! They say "Black don't crack," but black just cracked the [BLEEP] out of my garage.
Please, stop making a fuss.
I am fine.
Please.
You know what, Dre I have checked her, - and she's right She's fine.
- Thank you.
Okay, you know what? I'm I'm gonna get a second opinion.
I'm gonna call a real doctor.
- [SIGHS] - Oh! Stop all that noise, now.
My uberPOOL is almost here, and I'm going to see the Kid! Soon as I find my purse.
- Where's my purse? - It's - Mama? - Huh? It's It's on your shoulder.
Oh! [CHUCKLES] I knew that.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- I'll see y'all later.
Bye! [HUSHED] It's happening, Bow.
My mama's becoming an old person, just like we always feared.
"We"? The signs were there.
I just thought she wasn't wearing underwear on purpose, and now I realize she just must be forgetting.
Yeah.
What about that macaroni and cheese she made for dinner last night? [CRUNCHING] Oh! [COUGHS] That was hers? Yes, Dre.
Oh, I assumed it was yours, it was so bad.
You know what? [GROANS] It's okay, Dre.
I know you're lashing out because of what just happened.
But, you know, there's things we can do.
I mean, studies have shown that as people get older, it's best that they spend less time around family and more time alone.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Real studies show that.
And they also say that living around babies is particularly bad for the aging process.
- Okay, now - It's actually dangerous.
That doesn't sound right.
Uh, would the Internet exaggerate? Pfft! I don't think so.
[CHUCKLES] I Hey.
Let's hit the pool.
Oh, I'm good, but have fun.
Oh, come on! I don't want to go out there alone.
Your grandma she keeps, you know, looking at me.
Oh, yeah.
She does that.
All right.
Let's go.
All right.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Wow.
See how easily she gave in to peer pressure? What if next, he's offering her a drink? Maybe a rum and Coke? Then a rum and cocaine.
Okay, settle down.
We both know Zoey doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do.
- So - Really? Then how come she's getting her hair wet after spending an hour on it this morning? Uh because she loves to swim? - Okay, Mom.
[CHUCKLES] - Mm-hmm.
Mom, right? - [LAUGHS] - [COOS] [SIGHS] Junior, right? [COOS] Bow is messing with me.
She wants to send my mother to a home.
Great! That much closer to getting her stuff.
You know, sometimes you have to goose the process a little.
CONNOR: That's true I once knew a guy who slowly poisoned his father over a series of years so that he could take over the family business.
Dad, would you like some coffee? Oh! Thank you, there, Buttercup.
Mmm! Almondy! You know, it's just so hard watching your parents get older.
Yeah, you know what's not hard? Having your maid drop them off at a nursing home.
You know what? I'm not sending my mother away.
Well, taking care of them on your own is hard, too, Dre.
When my dad had a stroke, I had to bathe him and dress him.
- Mm.
- It was like having a fifth cat.
You know, t-t-this this is premature.
My mother is in her 60s.
She She's still driving, dating.
She travels on her own.
Sorry I'm just getting in.
Tarantulas they took my phone.
I think they're playing a game, but I'm just not into it.
Oh.
So, you - Sort of unrelated.
- Yeah, they're not I don't know who you are, stepping to me like that! What's wrong with you, squirrel?! She's losing it, Bow.
Look at her! Dre.
Your mom talks to squirrels all the time.
She also throws rocks at birds.
I have seen it.
Yeah, that was before she crashed the car into the garage.
Okay, look, babe, I think it's really sweet how worried about your mom you are, but your mom is in great shape.
And, you know, there's nothing wrong with keeping your mind sharp.
She could do sudoku.
You could teach her meditation.
- Ehh - Dre.
Using your mind is never a bad idea.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And also, you know, they say physical activity is really good to, you know, keep them young, so she should I don't know maybe try base jumping.
Or maybe running with the bulls? - Maybe? Maybe? - You don't know me, squirrel.
- I ain't got no time for you.
- Hey, Mama? - What? - Is everything okay out here? No.
I don't like that squirrel.
W-Well, it doesn't look like the two of you are gonna solve it right now, so why don't we go in the house and do a sudoku? Why are you being so weird? Is this about me crashing the car? Well, it's not not about it.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
It's that damn car! It's old.
It makes noises when it drives! It sits too low.
And it doesn't have a rearview camera.
Okay, Mama I'm not blaming you or the car.
Okay? Hey, man, you came out here to take my keys away from me, didn't you? No.
Mama Now, you listen to me.
I will die before I take the bus, Dre.
I will die.
Hey, can I borrow your charger? Oh.
Yeah.
There's one in the car.
One second.
Look how she's throwing herself at him.
Whatever happened to self-esteem? What are you doing? She's breaking girl code.
I saw him first.
- Wha - Well okay.
Maybe I didn't see him first, but I always like looking at him.
You're wasting your time.
- Oh! Hey, Aaron! [LAUGHS] - Hey! Um, I'm just doing some homework and doodling.
[CHUCKLES] I do it all.
A lady who can multitask.
[LAUGHS] Oh, Aaron.
[LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Uh, see you later, alligator.
After while, crocodile.
Whoa! You're finishing each other's sentences?! I was totally wrong.
He is so into you! You're saying that like you're surprised.
But you should know by now, Jack I'm undeniable.
- Hey, baby.
- Yeah? I figured out what I'm gonna do for my mom.
[SIGHS] Put her down? Two to the back of the head? Double tap? [GIGGLES] Nope! I did something else.
- What? - [CHUCKLES] Come see.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Well! Now, this is what I'm talking about! You bought your mom a new car.
Yeah, I know it was a lot, but, you know, buying her a new car will keep her safe.
Now, I can't say that for everybody else on the road, but at least Mama will be straight.
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS] I can't believe it! - This car is really all mine? - Mm-hmm.
- My name's on the title? - Yep.
- All paid for? - Yep, Mama.
It sure is.
- Good to go? - It's all yours! Ooh, baby! I don't know what to say, except gotcha, sucka! [ENGINE STARTS] See, you just got got by a woman in her golden years.
I'm worried about you, son.
You're slipping.
Ha ha! Talk about some golden years.
Sucka! Ooh! Ruby, Ruby, Ruby! Damn it, Mama! You scammed me.
I didn't scam you.
I played you.
I had to.
Talking about my golden years.
So, this whole thing was a setup? - Smashing my garage? - Mm-hmm.
- The squirrel? - Mm-hmm.
The mac and cheese? What's that you say about my mac and cheese? Nothing.
Mama, how could you do this to me? You played on my worst fear losing you.
I don't want to think of you other than the strong, invincible woman you are.
Then don't.
It's hard not to.
You fell for that scam with Junior! That wasn't my fault.
That boy screams "kidnap victim"! Mama.
I'm serious.
[SIGHS] All right.
Maybe I wouldn't have fallen for that scam five years ago.
You think it's easy getting older? People don't listen to you.
Body feels different.
Men on the street stop looking at you with desire.
You start to get the feeling that you don't matter anymore in society.
[SIGHS] I didn't know you felt like that.
Well, I do.
Except for that part about men not looking at me.
[SCOFFS] Andre, I may be getting older, but I don't like being treated like an old person.
Okay.
But I'm making you meditate with me.
And possibly base-jump.
Fair enough.
Why are you wearing your Easter dress? Oh, just thought I'd make an effort because we have company.
Looks like you went the other way and feel fine looking like whatever.
Hello, queens.
Hey, nice dress! - Thank you.
- I like it.
- You ready to go? - Yes.
Yes.
Let's do it.
Hold up.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay, enough playing both sides.
I need you to choose me or this.
- What? - Yeah, what? Don't play dumb, Zoey.
Look, Aaron, I'm a 10, and what we have is electric.
I don't have time to play games.
I need to practice my violin.
So sh Ohhh.
Um yeah, well, here's the thing.
I think that you both are incredible, right? But there's no way I can come between two sisters.
Your bond okay, is way more precious than any guy, you know? I'm cool.
Pick.
No! Oh, no, no.
You don't have to do that, because, now that I'm thinking of it, you can have him.
I mean, he is an undeclared sophomore.
He is an awful listener just awful.
And, on top of all of that, he spends more time getting ready than I do.
- Hey! - But you know what? Maybe you'll change him.
[SIGHS] Sorry, Aaron.
I'm not looking for a project.
[SCOFFS] Boy, bye! - So, that was upsetting.
- Oh.
No, what's upsetting is my grandma when she stands over you when you sleep.
- What? - Uh Oh.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Let's go get those tacos! Sure.
Just give me an hour and a half to get ready.
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Wow.
You see that banter? That relentless "Will they?/ Won't they"? Nine months from today, DeVonté's gonna be an uncle.
Okay, Junior.
Enough.
What's going on with you? - Nothing's going on.
- Mm-hmm.
What, do you think I made up stuff to talk about just to hang out with you because I'm going to college in a year, and I'm already missing you, even though you're right in front of me? Aw, buddy.
College is gonna punch you right in the face.
I know.
I think I need a gap year.
I know I should really be mad at my mama for having me dip into our retirement and pay for that new car.
You did what? But I'm just so relieved that she had it together enough to scam me! That lets me know that she has a lot of good years ahead of her.
You're right.
So, when it comes time to put her in a home Bow, I'm never doing that.
So, two to the back of the head? - Double tap? - Mm.
In my medical opinion, that's the most humane way for her to be put down.
Okay.
Good night, baby.
Good night, my love.
[GROANS] [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] [GROANS SOFTLY] Stop smiling.
[LAUGHS] I can't! Tap tap! Hey, Grandma.
Why are you wearing your Easter dress? Mm.
Because we got company.
Hi, Ms.
Johnson.
Enough of playing both sides.
You're gonna have to choose me or this child? - What? - What? Stay out of this, Zoey.
Look, Aaron, on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 12 with a brand-new car and my own room.
So, what are we doing? What are we doing? Choose.
[SIGHS] I should've just stayed at an Airbnb.
He's soft, Zoey.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Get another one.