Black-ish (2014) s04e11 Episode Script


1 DRE: I've been doing this Dad thing for a while now and pretty much killing it.
That's because I know the three rules of parenting.
Rule one Comfort your children when they are hurt.
Aah! Not me.
Oh, sweetie.
- [DEVANTE CRYING] - Rule two Protect them from scary things in the world, like the boogeyman.
And rule three Make sure your kids are provided for now and in the future.
Thanks for trusting me, Dad.
I don't.
That's why I labeled them.
Those Don't touch 'em! And my mom feels the same responsibility for me and my sister, Rhonda.
All right.
What's going on? Hey.
All right, the last time you baked this cake is when you told us to hide the gun you shot Pops with.
I said it was the gun I shot Pac with.
- [LAUGHS] - And thank you, babies.
Now, listen.
I was at Sandy Jenkins' funeral, and I realized I have to tell you two things.
When I die, I want my ashes sprinkled on Ving Rhames.
And two we need to talk about who's gonna get my rental property.
When you die? M-Mama, are you sick? Do I look sick? I had two pregnancy scares last month.
[CHUCKLES] Then why the hell are we talking about this? I don't want to think about you dying.
And if God is good, he's gonna take me before you.
Ooh, Black Jesus, don't you dare! - Take me first! Don't let - No, Lord, take me! As an atheist, I swear you guys are just yelling at a vent.
Mama, I can't believe you made us death cake.
Oh, no, baby.
This is from Sandy's funeral.
Not well attended.
Now, at my repass, I want peach cobbler.
And a small amount.
I want people to fight for it.
Okay, Mama, you know what? I'm done talking about this, all right? You're never gonna die.
Ving Rhames? Well it's a promise we made to each other.
[CHUCKLES] [DOOR CLOSES] Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Santamonica! - Oh.
- Santamonica! I didn't know you were in town.
No, no, no, no.
- I'm Santamaria now.
- Oh.
I renamed myself after a saint because I found Jesus.
Bow looks skeptical.
That's because her sister is always reinventing herself.
The last time we saw her, she was a reality TV star.
Have a drink, you thirsty bitch! She's also been a vegan, a Goth, and, for some reason, a Roller Derby girl.
You found Jesus? - Was Was he missing? - Don't blaspheme.
[CHUCKLES] Do you still drink wine? I'm born again, not dead.
Yes, please.
Do you want a glass? - Yes, please.
- Yeah? Okay.
Wine it is! Okay.
So, what are you doing here? I'm in town for the L.
Divinity Expo - Interesting - and I'm and I am gathering funds so that I can start my own megachurch.
- Megachurch? - Yeah.
Why not just like a church? - Oh.
- Or like, I don't know, Bible study? [LAUGHS] I mean Have you even read the Bible? - I downloaded it on Audible.
- Oh.
Okay, so But did you listen? - Yeah.
A little bit.
- Oh.
Hey, look.
Hey, Auntie-monica.
It's Auntie-maria now.
I found Jesus.
Oh, that's your That's Devante.
Cool, cool.
Well, Mom, this little guy is hungry, so I think it's time to Are you drinking wine? - Yep.
- It's not even 5:00.
If you've been up since 4:00, it is.
We're sleep-training Devante.
Uh, we are.
A more accurate name would probably be awake training.
I'm telling you, Mom, if you would just let Devante cry himself to sleep, he'd be better rested.
[BABY VOICE] Let me cry it out, Mommy.
I'm stronger than you think.
[CHUCKLES] W-What'd I tell you about the baby talk? [BABY VOICE] It wubs you the wong way? - It does.
- Junior you're very talented.
God has a plan for you, and it is bigger than all of this.
[NORMAL VOICE] I've always felt that.
You need to be where you're appreciated.
I need a new assistant.
Somebody who can help me navigate the religious waters.
I'd love to work for you, but I've just got so much to do around here.
I still have to finish re-sorting - someone's frozen milk.
- What? The oldest goes in the front.
I still don't know what you don't get about that.
Okay, come to Mommy, sweetheart.
And you should go work for Auntie-maria.
Right? And guess what.
[BABY VOICE] We'll be fine without you.
That is not Devante's voice.
[NORMAL VOICE] I don't care.
So, my mom talking about dying and divvying up her stuff had me upset.
Well, I-I remember telling my father that he was gonna die.
He didn't believe me, of course, but, uh history is written by the one who holds the plug.
[LAUGHS] I miss him.
You know, his will caused a huge rift between Papa and Uncle Henry.
Yeah, it was worth it, though.
I mean, brothers come and go, but a brownstone on the island of Manhattan is forever.
You know, I recently inherited some family assets.
Which is cool in theory, but what am I supposed to do with a piece of Hawaii and Earth, Wind & Fire's publishing rights? This is ridiculous.
White people are constantly inheriting stuff when black families usually have nothing to pass down to each other but debt.
I beg to differ, Dre.
I inherited a Crown Royal bag full of marbles, a wave cap, and a treasure map that may or may not be a children's menu from Ponderosa, but I'm crewing up and, uh, we'll find out soon.
- I'm in.
- STEVENS: You see, Dre? Charlie inherited something.
So your argument is totally useless.
I'm assuming that a wave cap is some sort of luxury sailboat, right? You realize we're not running the same race.
The only money that we can rely on - is from life insurance.
- And lawsuits.
I'm in the middle of a potentially lucrative slip-and-fall suit against the Studio City Panera Bread.
[CHUCKLES] Where's my cane at? Oh.
I left it at the gym.
I'll get it on my run home.
All we can bet on is that we die early.
Well, you do have diabetes.
Isn't that why you took a policy out on him, Papa? You have a life-insurance policy on me? Oh, I have policies out on many of my employees.
I have one on you.
- On Charlie, of course.
- Aww.
On Jerome from the parking garage.
God rest his soul.
I used his payout to get my new Ferrari.
It's a shame that he'll never get to park it.
SANTAMONICA: All right, Junior.
Did you get me into Roma Downey's bowling night? I couldn't.
But I did get you into a VIP book burning.
And I got you an extra-dry copy of "Catcher in the Rye.
" That thing is gonna light up real nice.
Uh, excuse me.
I hear you're plotting to make a little light-skinned church.
Well, just don't forget Jeremiah 23:16.
Ooh, is he having a party? Is that his address? Heh heh heh heh.
It's a verse from the good book.
"Do not listen to what prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false hopes.
" That is gonna be so good on a T-shirt.
- Right? - Oh, my God.
On it.
I'll get quotes from the printers.
Pee now because we're leaving in 5.
"Pee now.
" [SCOFFS] God, he's so micromanage-y, right? - Yes, and I love it.
- Oh.
He takes care of everything.
Wait till he starts monitoring your alcohol intake.
- My car already does that.
- What? Thanks, judge who wouldn't accept a bribe.
The guys at work really got me thinking about how black families deal with inheritance.
So, you're a delivery person now? No, I'm a Lyft driver.
And that's my lunch.
And no, you can't eat in here.
That's a rule? No.
You just eat like Cookie Monster.
I have an underbite.
You know damn well Pops gambled away my braces money.
All right, look.
I'm sorry I walked out on you and Moms the other day.
I just hate thinking about losing her.
What we really need to talk about is what she's gonna do with the duplex.
Well, that's easy.
She's leaving it to me.
And then I'm gonna sell it.
What? Both plexes?! What about me?! You get her hat collection.
But I'm a 7 7/8 fitted kind of guy, and she loves snapbacks.
Th-This can't be right.
I'm Mama's special baby.
Dre, now, will you get out of my car? The Lakers game just ended, and I got to hunt for strays.
But you know what? If you're getting the duplex, - I'm taking these mints.
- Bye.
- And this car charger.
- Okay.
- And your garage-door opener.
- No, I need that! Dre! I need that! - You know what? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- Hey, hey! Your garage door's open now! Hey, Ma Mama? Mama, no! Why, Black Jesus?! Take me instead! Oh, stop acting a fool! I just fell asleep.
- What's wrong with you? - Oh.
How about fifty shades of a plot? [SCOFFS] Rhonda filled me in about what's going on with the inheritance.
- [SIGHS] - And I just want to let you know that I'm totally cool.
Totally, totally cool.
Well, I'm glad, baby.
You know, one might think that you would, uh, divide your assets among your children equally, but you made a strong move, and I get that.
Thank you, baby.
Damn it, Mama! I'm your special boy! What happened?! Ooh, this is an ugly color on you, Andre.
I never thought you were this petty.
If I was being petty, I would remind you of how many grandchildren I've given you, but I'm bigger than that.
Ma, it just doesn't seem fair.
I didn't ask for your opinion.
Now, if you don't like it, you go work it out with your sister.
[GRUNTS] My mother was no help.
Meanwhile, Junior was so busy helping his aunt, he was no help to Bow.
Hello, sweetheart.
- What's that? - Mother.
Wow! That looks - That looks unfinished.
- Mm-hmm.
- You see this? - Yeah.
This is where the stuff would go if I had a glue stick.
Oh, my God.
A glue stick.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get you a glue stick.
- Thanks.
Can you watch the kids while I - I ca - [DEVANTE CRYING] Okay, hang on.
Oh, my God.
Hold on.
What? Why is he awake? He has nowhere to be? Okay, Junior, can you go get her a glue stick? - That's a no can do.
- What? Got to drive Auntie-maria to the Creed meet and greet.
I'm pretty sure she can get there by herself.
She's had six Proseccos.
What? Blessed be the fruit of the vine.
All righty, let's go.
Yeah, put that down.
[SIGHING] Oh, my God.
Hey, wh why are you in your pajamas? Did you take a nap after school? A nap? I'm just waking up from last night.
What? Junior has been getting us up in the morning.
- He has? - Can I have some cereal? I only have an hour to eat breakfast and lunch before dinner.
Of course, sweetheart.
I'm sorry.
My goodness.
O Oh.
Junior buys the cereal.
Guys, the Environmental Impact Agency says this entire building is riddled with asbestos and black mold, so gather up our stuff.
We got to vacate immediately.
I need to get my inheritance back from my sister.
Nobody leaves this table till we figure it out.
- Come on.
- But the asbestos.
First things first how bad do you want to crush her? Like, are we talking "no relationship for 10 years" crushed or, like, "yelling at cars for the rest of her life" crushed? I don't want to crush her.
Okay, that's the wrong attitude, Dre.
Hey, everyone else is leaving, so maybe You want to lawyer up, just like I did when I sued Panera.
Actually, I hired two lawyers.
Got the second one to look after the first one to make sure he wasn't in the pocket of Big Bread.
Okay, I'm not gonna get a lawyer, all right? I just need to convince Rhonda to give me half.
Okay, good luck.
You couldn't convince me to give you half of my sandwich at lunch, and I was done.
Sandwich, huh? So Bread's got their hooks in you, too.
Hey, could we have this conversation outside? Everything's starting to look like burning film.
Mark my words, Dre.
You do not want to be the only one without a lawyer.
You don't get it.
My sister is not the lawyer type.
Just be smart and lawyer up, okay? Otherwise you're gonna find yourself answering a lot of questions about what you were doing with zoo-grade elephant tranquilizer.
- Want some? - JACK: Mom, for our project - Yeah.
- we need to interview an old person to learn about how life was in the past.
- Okay.
- So, how was life in the past? What? And why haven't you gotten me a glue stick? - Oh, a glue stick.
- Am I supposed to use tape - like some kind of jerk? - Guys, I am on it, all right? I just I got to finish feeding Devante, who doesn't seem to sleep anymore.
I know.
Okay, are you sure it's not too much boob? Definitely too much boob.
I've asked you to cover up multiple times.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're here.
I need you to give your brother a bath so that I can go to the store and get your sister a glue stick.
I'm escorting Santamaria to Mase's Midnight Mass.
I'm not allowed in, but she needs me to wait nearby in case she catches the Holy Ghost.
Okay, that is a no.
It's a school night.
Really? That's the part you have a problem with? - Excuse me? - I have to go.
It's my job, Mom.
Auntie-maria appreciates me.
She's taking advantage of you.
And I need you to give your brother a bath so I can go to the store to get her a glue stick.
Devil is a lie.
You have no problem with the fact that it's a school night.
You're mad because the Lord told Junior to come work for me instead of you.
Junior doesn't work for me.
He's my son.
And I gave him to you [WHISPERS] so that I could have a break.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving him back.
Hey, you can't just pass me back and forth like a collection plate.
- What's a collection plate? - What? See, Mom? She needs me.
You're staying.
That's not fair.
Take him.
I-I have a cold.
I have a cold.
We're on a break.
N Mnh-mnh.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
This is a Halston.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? No.
No! This is a baby.
Santamaria, I apologize.
I can no longer work for you, as my mom cannot handle me having a career.
What? I guess it's true what they say.
Teenage boys can't have it all.
So my mom told Rhonda I wanted half of the building, and she was not happy about it.
Hey, thanks for coming.
We, uh We need to talk.
I don't even know why I'm here.
Honestly, I don't.
I don't normally speak to people that steal my garage-door openers and half my inheritance.
I wasn't trying to steal it, all right? We've never had any property to pass down to our children.
This is our first chance at having a legacy.
I don't have time to think about a legacy.
I'm using deodorant that's also toothpaste.
How much could you possibly be saving? A lot.
Just because Mom says that you could have the duplex doesn't mean that's what's right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Could you just state your full name and detail exactly what Ruby Johnson said regarding her wishes for property 3629 Slauson Avenue? Really? - You're recording this? - Yeah.
My lawyer said it's a good idea.
You got a lawyer? You hired a lawyer to go against your own flesh and blood? [BELL ABOVE DOOR JINGLES] Hold up.
Did you hire a lawyer?! Of course not! Hey, go away, sir! No, I do not want to buy a rose! Shoo! I know why you're mad, Dre.
I do.
Our whole life you had Mom to yourself.
And now she and I are getting along.
She wants to leave me something.
And you can't handle it.
Mom just wants to give it to you because she doesn't think that you have anything else going on in your life.
Really, Dre? I Rhonda No, I don't think there's anything left to say.
I'll see you in court.
Joke's on you! [BELL ABOVE DOOR JINGLES] That was your muffin! Huh! - Dre, I can't believe you got a lawyer.
- I had to.
It was so obvious that we should each get half.
You need to let this alone.
What? Dre, you don't need a building.
Rhonda does.
The point is, I need to break her until the only thing she's good at is yelling at cars.
What? Have you been talking to those people at work? I never talk to those people.
You need to be mindful about who you're taking advice from before you blow up your family.
Look, I don't want that to happen.
You know my family is the most important thing to me.
I know that, babe.
I didn't even want to talk about my mother dying.
It just puts it out there in the universe.
Is that how that works? Talk about your mom dying, and it's more possible she'll die? Stop that.
- Mom dying.
- Bow.
- Dying.
- Bow! Dying.
Hey, who bought this cereal? I did.
I'm stepping up my game.
This is basically a sugar bomb.
I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
Ooh! Race you to school?! Bye! Bye.
[SIGHS] I I have taken you for granted, Junior, and I am sorry.
You have been such a big help while I've been sleep-training Devante.
But sweetheart, you're a lot.
I am.
But I need a lot.
You do.
- I just like to feel needed - I know.
- by you.
- Oh.
Not Auntie-maria.
- [DEVANTE CRYING] - Ooh, yeah.
You heard that? Baby's not gonna take care of himself.
All right.
[CHUCKLES] Junior's coming, Devante! - Unh-unh, no.
I'm not doing it.
- Hey.
Come on, Rhonda.
I had to cancel 12 other Lyfts just to get you.
This does not come cheap.
[BEEPS] And we are headed to 421 Forgive Me Avenue? That isn't a real address.
Okay, just just take me anywhere.
I only wanted us to have a legacy so we have something to pass down to our kids.
I hate fighting with you.
I hate fighting with you, too, Dre.
I do.
It's just I don't have it like you.
Sharon and I are really struggling right now.
I'm starting to believe she's not that great of a mechanic.
I didn't mean it that you're not gonna go anywhere.
All right? You know, things will change.
I see you out there hustling the way Mom used to.
- Ooh, that woman used to hustle! - Mm-hmm.
- Remember that?! - Yeah.
Ooh, remember when she used to ask us - to come pick up the rent with her? - [CHUCKLES] Clicking along in her tracksuit with her little kitten heels.
Gun in her purse, just 'cause.
[LAUGHS] Oh, we had a lot of memories in that building.
We can't let it just go.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are we stopping for? Oh, you chose Lyft Line.
This is a shared ride.
I'm Mike.
My wife kicked me out.
Ooh, I'm sorry about that, Mike.
Phone charger? Oh, no, I'm good.
I mean, I'm not, but, uh, I don't need a charger.
We're kind of in the middle of a family thing, Mike.
Hey, since neither one of us wants to sell, maybe we could figure out something that works for both of us, like a buyout.
You'd do that, Dre? Of course I would.
You're my sister.
I got you.
Thank you.
Now, can we please stop talking about Mom dying? My mom died.
My stepmom, but still, it hurt.
How far are you going, man? I'm not really going anywhere.
I just wanted to talk.
Is that cool? Oh.
I Okay, Grandma, we need one more thing for our project - on how things used to be.
- Okay.
So what's something from the past that you miss? [SCOFFS] Quaaludes.
- What are Quaaludes? - Ruby! Um smoking cigarettes in the hospital.
Ruby, they're children, so Okay, fine.
Fur coats, butter.
Uh, oh, adult cinemas.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Making love in a car.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- You know, ohh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was Thank you.
That was - Um, can you say those again? - No.
- Like, so we can write it down.
- No.