Black-ish (2014) s04e12 Episode Script
Bow Knows
1 DRE: Back in the day, when we wanted to share information, it looked something like this.
Then we figured out a way to share information faster.
Over time, our desire to share information led to increasingly complex technology that could share news faster and faster.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- The people who created this technology envisioned a future where we could share information instantly.
[TELEPHONE RINGS, MODEM BUZZES.]
They dreamed that we would make connections that would lead us to a greater understanding.
Funny thing is the more connected we are, the less we want to hear what anyone else has to say.
Guys, dinner's ready.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS PLAYING, CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Dinner! [CELLPHONE ALERT PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[CELLPHONE ALERT PLAYS.]
[CELLPHONES CHIME.]
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Dinner's ready.
- Why didn't you just tell us? Great news, team! They couldn't prove that the stuff on my bumper was blood.
So we will not have to move the office to international waters.
- Ah! - Hey, nice! [APPLAUSE.]
Also, we'll be working with Procter & Gamble on their campaign about "The Talk.
" It's part of their "My Black Is Beautiful" initiative.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
I mean, what if they did the same people for white people? Then it would just be called a campaign.
[SCOFFS.]
He's so not woke.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What is "The Talk"? - Uh, okay, it's, um No, no, I got this.
I got this.
Um, "The Talk" focuses on the conversations black parents have had with their children through the decades to prepare them for the racial bias that they may face in the world.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
Well, it goes without saying, Dre, that you will take the lead on this one, especially since Charlie is away at Freaknik.
He's at a funeral.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, Dre.
You know what, I would love to take lead on this.
"The Talk" is very important.
Well, if it's so important, uh, you would think we would all have heard of it.
Tell me this.
How many black friends do you have? Well, I thought two, but then Charlie didn't invite me to his grandma's memorial, so Mm! He invited me, but I-I thought "Big Mama's funeral" was a movie, so No, that's that's "Big Mama's House.
" - I don't - Wait a second.
Is this "Talk" really such a big deal that they have to build a whole campaign around it? Yes, it's a big deal because "The Talk" goes on in every black household.
It prepares our kids for what they're gonna go up against when they go out into an unfair world.
Now, my mom would have "The Talk" with me all the time.
America hates you.
Pick me up a pack of menthols.
And remember, America hates you.
I know, mama.
Please don't marry her! America already hates you! Wow! This "talk" sounds awful for you, Dre.
Okay, look, guys, we all live in the same world.
And it makes my kids' lives easier if you're telling your kids the same stuff, too.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hmm.
Okay, Dre.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, it is due Friday.
Can you take it into your office? It's just It's awkward when you're working and we're not.
Yeah, that would be You know, really - Hey! - Hey, babe.
- Guess what.
- What? I just finished making my first batch of homemade baby food.
Want to try? - Nope.
- What? What's wrong with the stuff from the store? Oh, well, I went online to find classes for Devante, and I stumbled into this amazing new world the online mom world.
None of this existed with the other kids.
I just had to, I don't know, get advice elsewhere.
- You want my advice? - [BABIES CRYING.]
- Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- You shouldn't be a mother.
Dre, it's a totally different game.
I mean, this group connects women all across the world so that we can find support.
- Isn't that cool? - Hmm? It's so cool! Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I wasn't listening.
You know, we're working on this campaign about "The Talk" at work - Mm-hmm.
- and no one gets it.
They don't see the importance of something that doesn't directly affect them.
You mean like what just literally happened right here? Bow, I spent my whole life understanding "white stuff.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Do you think I want to know the names of the members of Phish? Hmm? You think I like pretending to care about what happened with Ross and Rachel? They were taking a break.
You know, it would be nice if, for five minutes, they would understand our stuff.
I just want it to matter to them.
Dre, I know it kills you, but try to listen to them and maybe you can lead them to common ground.
Huh? Yeah, babe, I'm sorry.
I didn't - I didn't hear anything you said.
- Yeah.
But maybe I can lead them to common ground if I try and listen.
Hmm! I think that's what I'm gonna do.
Okay.
So, Devante should mommy go online and find a new man? What do you think? [GASPS.]
Let's download Tinder! Hey! There's grandma's gorgeous grandbaby! [WHISPERING.]
America hates you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
What the hell's going on over here? Just "DH and I are taking LO to the Ped.
- Worried he'll ask about CIO.
" - Okay.
"KWIM?" This some kind of drug thing? - What? - You dealing drugs? This is my corner.
I am not dealing drugs, Ruby.
This is my mom group, and these are mom acronyms.
"Dear husband and I are taking little one to the pediatrician.
Worried he'll ask about cry-it-out sleep-training method.
KWIM? Know what I mean?" Oh! - Now I see! - Yeah.
That's so stupid.
No, it is not stupid, Ruby.
This is a very supportive group of women, and I get amazing parenting information here.
I had no idea that they had changed the recommendation for when you can introduce peanuts to your baby.
Peanut allergies.
That's just a conspiracy to bring down George Washington Carver.
[SIGHS.]
Come on, Ruby.
The man made a phone out of peanuts.
Did it work? What have you invented? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Whoa! - What is happening? Uh, don't look at my cookies.
I have been doing a lot of reading in my moms group, and everyone agrees that we should eliminate screen time for kids.
- But how will I troll? - I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you shouldn't be doing that anyway.
And all the moms are saying that too much screen time makes kids dumb.
And I am way too smart to have dumb kids.
So, what are we supposed to do? Talk? Like animals? I don't know, guys! Go to the library! Do some crafts! I bet you there's some puzzles in the back of the game closet.
Can we just go to bed now? So, it seemed if I wanted people to understand my struggle, I would have to try and understand theirs.
- Hey, Lucy.
- Hey.
Do anything fun last night? Oh, just the ushe.
Drank a half bottle of Pino Grig, re-watched an old episode of "Friends.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, God.
Ross and Rachel, am I right? Uh, yeah, well, they were on a break.
- Uh, debatable.
- Okay.
By the way, I don't want you to think I'm a total boozy lump.
I also went for a jog after work.
Cool.
Cool.
I love jogging.
I just can't do it as much as I'd like to.
Oh, 'cause you run out of breath so fast? No.
'Cause you see your sneakers as purely decorative? No.
Because, uh, me running at night, uh, would scare some people.
Oh.
Yeah.
- I never really thought about that.
- Mm-hmm.
It's actually kind of hard for me to jog at night, too.
Really? - Yeah.
- Tell me about it.
Oh.
Okay.
I-I just hear my mom's voice in my head telling me, like, "Don't wear headphones, or men will sneak up on you," or, "Don't wear a ponytail, or men will grab you.
Don't get a high-powered job, or men won't marry you.
" [SNORTS.]
Huh! Sounds like you and your mom had a good "The Talk.
" What? - Why did you say it like that? - Say it like what? You had a good "The Talk.
" - Oh.
- More coffee? Yes.
Please.
One down.
How much cheese can you eat? [LAUGHTER.]
The rest of America to go.
DIANE: This is child abuse.
There's got to be like a million pieces in this thing.
Yes.
A million pieces in this 1,000-piece puzzle.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now, let's start with the edges.
No! We have to separate all the pieces into piles, - like sky with sky, animals with animals.
- [SIGHS.]
No! Everyone knows that you start with the faces and work outwards.
The faces are what you do last.
The edges are the foundation on which solid puzzles are built! Oh, I didn't realize Professor Puzzle was here to school us.
Mm.
Making Lucy realize she had her own version of "The Talk" made me feel like I had a superpower.
I couldn't wait to use it to open someone else's eyes.
Hey, Josh.
- Oh.
Okay.
I'll move my car.
- No, no, no.
Hey, man, I just I just came in to say hi.
Wow.
No one's ever done that before.
Huh.
Which is why I do not have another chair.
Here.
Take mine.
Well, you know, I was, uh - I was thinking, you know - [BINDER CLATTERS.]
I'm always talking about my childhood, and I've never asked you about yours.
Oh, um, moved around a lot when I was a kid because of my dad's job.
And starting over and over again was stressful, so I ate for comfort.
Hey.
I get that.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
It was, uh It was hard to be the chubby new kid in school, you know? I mean, people always assumed that I was clumsy or bad at sports just because I was fat.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I was clumsy and bad at sports, but the assumption hurt.
You know, when I was little, there were some other kids and an entire country that judged me based on my appearance.
- They did? - Yeah.
You know, my dad He He always made me feel better.
He told me I had no control over what those kids were gonna say, but I did not have to live down to their stereotypes.
I could just be myself and eat chocolate chips out of my pillowcase for pleasure and not shame.
You know, it sounds like that "The Talk" you had with your dad really helped you out.
Nice.
Yeah.
S-Shall we continue this over dinner? Nope.
Why do I always go to food? So I guess I'll probably be a scientist at NASA, now that I know that being a teacher at Hogwarts isn't really an option.
I mean, unless someone dies or retires.
So how about you, Jack? What do you want to do when you grow up? That depends.
Do you think we'll have the technology to turn people into cartoons? Whatever I do, I have to make enough to take care of this guy.
Have you guys seen my laptop? All we've seen are these adorable puppies.
Oh! Ha-ha! I guess my mommy group was right about taking away those cellphones.
You guys are making a lot of progress here.
Progress comes from not being distracted.
Keep it moving, Rainbow.
Okay, young lady.
Hey.
Uh What are you doing on my computer? I take back what I said about this mommy group.
[LAUGHING.]
It's wonderful! - What? - These women hate you.
What?! Yeah, apparently, they're really mad about something you said about vaccines.
Ah, no! This must be some mistake.
I mean, all I did was post about how well Devante's vaccinations went this morning.
I mean, there wa What is there to be mad at? Oh, people can be mad about anything.
It's the Internet.
Right now on Instagram, there's a grilled-cheese sandwich getting death threats.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm telling you, it's crazy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Them women don't like you.
[LAUGHS.]
"I didn't mean to offend anyone.
I am thankful vaccines have eradicated so many deadly childhood diseases.
" [ALERT DINGS.]
LISA: Oh, look! We've got a shill for Big Pharma here.
- Shill? - [ALERT DINGS.]
AMANDA: In Jersey, we like to vaccinate our kids the natural way by swimming in a polluted lake.
ELIZABETH: Do you know what's in vaccines? Uh, well[CHUCKLES.]
"I am a doctor, so" RAINBOW: "All of us are trying to do what's right for our kids, but we can't let emotions make our medical decisions.
- Frustrated emoji.
" - [ALERT DINGS.]
AMANDA: No, we should let a stay-at home "doctor" make our decisions for us.
Crying-laughing emoji.
Really? "Vaccines work! They work so well that idiots haven't seen the ravages of polio firsthand, so they start spreading lies! Snorting emoji.
" - [GRUNTS.]
- Ha, ha, ha.
How much are they paying you to poison our kids, Dr.
Death? Needle emoji.
Bitch, I will drive to New Jersey to fight you, and your ugly kids can watch! - What - [GROWLS.]
- Mom! - Hi.
DRE: So, I had gotten Lucy and Josh to understand "The Talk.
" It was time to reel in the big fish.
Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, no, thank you.
No, no, I'm trying to cut back on takeout.
My doctor said I should start taking much better care of myself now that I'm getting older.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- What about you? Have things changed for you as you've aged? Nope.
I have the constitution of a horse, and a car interior made of its skin.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I see.
Oh.
Bad eyes, huh? - Yeah.
- You know, growing up, people were so mean to kids with glasses.
I mean, they would call them names and smash their lenses.
Inner-city schools sound brutal.
No, no one ever made fun of my glasses.
Oh.
Not even a little bit? No one ever called you "Little Connie Four Eyes" or made you feel like an outsider? I was homecoming king.
Didn't you go to an all-boys school? We had two kings.
It was not sexual.
Oh.
Okay.
Dre, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be in your office working on your campaign? I'm almost done.
It turned out that rich white men don't need to have "The Talk.
" Makes sense, since most of the talks are about them.
Looked like I was right back where I started.
Two chairs for two friends! Ah.
Or maybe a little worse.
Really?! Well, you know what, you block me, and I will block you! - Blocked! Oh, yes! - [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
Blocked! And blocked! Blocked, blocked You still arguing with your little online friends? Well, it's more like the the whole Internet now.
You know, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Dre when he proposed to you.
You need to walk away.
I can't walk away.
Not until I convince them that they are stupid.
It's time to give up.
Look at this.
They're calling you crazy.
You can't come back from crazy.
Or so I hear.
They are doing things that are gonna hurt their children.
Well, they don't see it that way, Rainbow.
They think they're doing the right thing.
But I'm right! Doesn't that count for something?! - [WHINING.]
I'm right! - Not online.
Now, you can find people to agree or disagree with whatever you say.
It's like this Okay, what's the greatest song ever made? "Automatic" by The Pointer Sisters.
Now, I can find 50 websites that agree with me, but there are 50 more that say it's "Eleanor Rigby.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Which is nonsense.
But people still believe it.
You see what I'm saying? You really think "Automatic" is the best song ever made? Well, it has everything.
You've got Ruth Pointer's amazing alto, that funky guitar line, those synthesizers.
Look, I'm not gonna argue this with you.
You go to bed, Rainbow.
It's 3:00 a.
m.
, and you look haggard even when you do get a full night's sleep.
What are you doing up at 3:00 a.
m.
? Well, it's none of your business if I'm helping my gentleman caller replenish.
Hey! I was ready to admit defeat.
I had wasted my time talking to people about their feelings.
And even worse, because of all this, I was friends with Josh.
Well, thank you for finally showing up, Dre.
We cracked "The Talk" campaign, no thanks to you.
- What? - Yeah.
Actually, it turns out that it's pretty simple.
Sometimes parents need to have difficult talks with their kids about the fact that life isn't fair.
- But that's exactly what I - Please, just just once, just listen.
That's actually the heart of this campaign, Dre listening.
- Mm.
- STEVENS: You see? Connie gets it.
And we've been discussing it.
And as it turns out, all of us have had to have difficult talks of our own.
Josh is doughy, and Lucy has boobs.
I also have a thriving candle business, so And I, myself, have had many talks with Connie about the fact that people will treat him differently if they find out he's wealthy.
Money.
That was the way in.
My dad's talks are the reason that I bring the Mercedes into work instead of the Lambo.
It sort of makes me seem like more of an average Joe.
Oh, am I pronouncing that right? "Joe"? - "Yoe"? - STEVENS: No idea.
You nailed it.
STEVENS: Actually, I-I got to say, Dre, I-I'm shocked that you don't get that, especially as a black man.
I mean, black parents have had to have that talk with their kids about the uncomfortable reality of American racial bias.
Yeah.
I can't believe I didn't get that, either.
Well, anyway, I took the liberty of calling P&G and letting them know that we have busted this campaign wide open.
And they're so grateful, they're flying me to the Super Bowl! - Wow! - That should be fun! [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, hey, we can watch the Super Bowl at my house.
And don't worry.
I talk during the game, but I am totally quiet during the commercials.
Ooh! So fun! Really nice edge work.
Thanks.
What should we tackle next? I'm thinking something that's all ocean.
Or one giant eyeball.
- Ooh! - DIANE: Yeah? Yeah? Or maybe someone bought a 4,000 piecer of Middle Earth! - I don't know.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Here you go.
Here you go.
And here you go.
I don't know why I listened to those stupid moms on the Internet.
I am an amazing mother without them.
So go ahead, my sweet children, and rot your brains.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[CELLPHONE DINGING.]
Wow.
People really hate this grilled cheese.
I was on a high.
Maybe it was possible to communicate with each other in the modern world.
- I got good news.
- Ooh! Tell me, tell me, tell me.
My co-workers actually understand "The Talk" a little bit.
- No.
Wow! - And you were right.
- Hmm.
- When you listen to people, they end up listening to you, too.
[SCOFFS.]
That's a load of crap.
What? Maybe that works face to face, but it does not work on the Internet.
There's so much bad information.
There used to be people we all could trust for answers.
Now anyone can be an expert.
Isn't that a good thing because the people who didn't have a voice before now they have a voice.
I have a pretty popular taco review blog.
It's not that popular, Dre.
- It - It's not.
I don't think I'm gonna change anyone's mind online especially 'cause I called them all murderers.
You what? That is why I am going to write a book.
A book.
So that's your solution.
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.
I'm a doctor.
I am a mother of five children.
Who better than me to offer sound advice and calm people down? - Hmm.
- I think it's perfect.
Yeah, mm, you do love telling people what to do.
Yeah.
I do.
I like that a lot.
- Do I have to help? - No.
Then I'm all-in.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [THE POINTER SISTERS' "AUTOMATIC" PLAYS.]
Hey.
Is somebody bumping The Pointer Sisters? - Sounds like it.
- No way to control it - That is the best song of all time.
- It's totally automatic Whenever you're around Okay, really, Dre? - Oh, my goodness.
- I'm walking blindfolded Ooh! Look at that! 4,000-piecer.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Um, hey! My operating system is updating, so, you know, thought I would just kill some time.
Oh, uh, yeah, totally.
Totally.
Our teacher said we could get extra credit by doing a puzzle, so - That sounds real.
- Very real.
Puzzles are dumb.
I-I don't miss them.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Like, totally.
I mean, might as well break into this bad boy till something better comes along, am I right? - Uh, sure.
- I mean, I-I guess so.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Ohh! Whoa! So many pieces.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
Then we figured out a way to share information faster.
Over time, our desire to share information led to increasingly complex technology that could share news faster and faster.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- The people who created this technology envisioned a future where we could share information instantly.
[TELEPHONE RINGS, MODEM BUZZES.]
They dreamed that we would make connections that would lead us to a greater understanding.
Funny thing is the more connected we are, the less we want to hear what anyone else has to say.
Guys, dinner's ready.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS PLAYING, CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Dinner! [CELLPHONE ALERT PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[CELLPHONE ALERT PLAYS.]
[CELLPHONES CHIME.]
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Dinner's ready.
- Why didn't you just tell us? Great news, team! They couldn't prove that the stuff on my bumper was blood.
So we will not have to move the office to international waters.
- Ah! - Hey, nice! [APPLAUSE.]
Also, we'll be working with Procter & Gamble on their campaign about "The Talk.
" It's part of their "My Black Is Beautiful" initiative.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
I mean, what if they did the same people for white people? Then it would just be called a campaign.
[SCOFFS.]
He's so not woke.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What is "The Talk"? - Uh, okay, it's, um No, no, I got this.
I got this.
Um, "The Talk" focuses on the conversations black parents have had with their children through the decades to prepare them for the racial bias that they may face in the world.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
Well, it goes without saying, Dre, that you will take the lead on this one, especially since Charlie is away at Freaknik.
He's at a funeral.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, Dre.
You know what, I would love to take lead on this.
"The Talk" is very important.
Well, if it's so important, uh, you would think we would all have heard of it.
Tell me this.
How many black friends do you have? Well, I thought two, but then Charlie didn't invite me to his grandma's memorial, so Mm! He invited me, but I-I thought "Big Mama's funeral" was a movie, so No, that's that's "Big Mama's House.
" - I don't - Wait a second.
Is this "Talk" really such a big deal that they have to build a whole campaign around it? Yes, it's a big deal because "The Talk" goes on in every black household.
It prepares our kids for what they're gonna go up against when they go out into an unfair world.
Now, my mom would have "The Talk" with me all the time.
America hates you.
Pick me up a pack of menthols.
And remember, America hates you.
I know, mama.
Please don't marry her! America already hates you! Wow! This "talk" sounds awful for you, Dre.
Okay, look, guys, we all live in the same world.
And it makes my kids' lives easier if you're telling your kids the same stuff, too.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hmm.
Okay, Dre.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, it is due Friday.
Can you take it into your office? It's just It's awkward when you're working and we're not.
Yeah, that would be You know, really - Hey! - Hey, babe.
- Guess what.
- What? I just finished making my first batch of homemade baby food.
Want to try? - Nope.
- What? What's wrong with the stuff from the store? Oh, well, I went online to find classes for Devante, and I stumbled into this amazing new world the online mom world.
None of this existed with the other kids.
I just had to, I don't know, get advice elsewhere.
- You want my advice? - [BABIES CRYING.]
- Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- You shouldn't be a mother.
Dre, it's a totally different game.
I mean, this group connects women all across the world so that we can find support.
- Isn't that cool? - Hmm? It's so cool! Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I wasn't listening.
You know, we're working on this campaign about "The Talk" at work - Mm-hmm.
- and no one gets it.
They don't see the importance of something that doesn't directly affect them.
You mean like what just literally happened right here? Bow, I spent my whole life understanding "white stuff.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Do you think I want to know the names of the members of Phish? Hmm? You think I like pretending to care about what happened with Ross and Rachel? They were taking a break.
You know, it would be nice if, for five minutes, they would understand our stuff.
I just want it to matter to them.
Dre, I know it kills you, but try to listen to them and maybe you can lead them to common ground.
Huh? Yeah, babe, I'm sorry.
I didn't - I didn't hear anything you said.
- Yeah.
But maybe I can lead them to common ground if I try and listen.
Hmm! I think that's what I'm gonna do.
Okay.
So, Devante should mommy go online and find a new man? What do you think? [GASPS.]
Let's download Tinder! Hey! There's grandma's gorgeous grandbaby! [WHISPERING.]
America hates you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
What the hell's going on over here? Just "DH and I are taking LO to the Ped.
- Worried he'll ask about CIO.
" - Okay.
"KWIM?" This some kind of drug thing? - What? - You dealing drugs? This is my corner.
I am not dealing drugs, Ruby.
This is my mom group, and these are mom acronyms.
"Dear husband and I are taking little one to the pediatrician.
Worried he'll ask about cry-it-out sleep-training method.
KWIM? Know what I mean?" Oh! - Now I see! - Yeah.
That's so stupid.
No, it is not stupid, Ruby.
This is a very supportive group of women, and I get amazing parenting information here.
I had no idea that they had changed the recommendation for when you can introduce peanuts to your baby.
Peanut allergies.
That's just a conspiracy to bring down George Washington Carver.
[SIGHS.]
Come on, Ruby.
The man made a phone out of peanuts.
Did it work? What have you invented? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Whoa! - What is happening? Uh, don't look at my cookies.
I have been doing a lot of reading in my moms group, and everyone agrees that we should eliminate screen time for kids.
- But how will I troll? - I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you shouldn't be doing that anyway.
And all the moms are saying that too much screen time makes kids dumb.
And I am way too smart to have dumb kids.
So, what are we supposed to do? Talk? Like animals? I don't know, guys! Go to the library! Do some crafts! I bet you there's some puzzles in the back of the game closet.
Can we just go to bed now? So, it seemed if I wanted people to understand my struggle, I would have to try and understand theirs.
- Hey, Lucy.
- Hey.
Do anything fun last night? Oh, just the ushe.
Drank a half bottle of Pino Grig, re-watched an old episode of "Friends.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, God.
Ross and Rachel, am I right? Uh, yeah, well, they were on a break.
- Uh, debatable.
- Okay.
By the way, I don't want you to think I'm a total boozy lump.
I also went for a jog after work.
Cool.
Cool.
I love jogging.
I just can't do it as much as I'd like to.
Oh, 'cause you run out of breath so fast? No.
'Cause you see your sneakers as purely decorative? No.
Because, uh, me running at night, uh, would scare some people.
Oh.
Yeah.
- I never really thought about that.
- Mm-hmm.
It's actually kind of hard for me to jog at night, too.
Really? - Yeah.
- Tell me about it.
Oh.
Okay.
I-I just hear my mom's voice in my head telling me, like, "Don't wear headphones, or men will sneak up on you," or, "Don't wear a ponytail, or men will grab you.
Don't get a high-powered job, or men won't marry you.
" [SNORTS.]
Huh! Sounds like you and your mom had a good "The Talk.
" What? - Why did you say it like that? - Say it like what? You had a good "The Talk.
" - Oh.
- More coffee? Yes.
Please.
One down.
How much cheese can you eat? [LAUGHTER.]
The rest of America to go.
DIANE: This is child abuse.
There's got to be like a million pieces in this thing.
Yes.
A million pieces in this 1,000-piece puzzle.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now, let's start with the edges.
No! We have to separate all the pieces into piles, - like sky with sky, animals with animals.
- [SIGHS.]
No! Everyone knows that you start with the faces and work outwards.
The faces are what you do last.
The edges are the foundation on which solid puzzles are built! Oh, I didn't realize Professor Puzzle was here to school us.
Mm.
Making Lucy realize she had her own version of "The Talk" made me feel like I had a superpower.
I couldn't wait to use it to open someone else's eyes.
Hey, Josh.
- Oh.
Okay.
I'll move my car.
- No, no, no.
Hey, man, I just I just came in to say hi.
Wow.
No one's ever done that before.
Huh.
Which is why I do not have another chair.
Here.
Take mine.
Well, you know, I was, uh - I was thinking, you know - [BINDER CLATTERS.]
I'm always talking about my childhood, and I've never asked you about yours.
Oh, um, moved around a lot when I was a kid because of my dad's job.
And starting over and over again was stressful, so I ate for comfort.
Hey.
I get that.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
It was, uh It was hard to be the chubby new kid in school, you know? I mean, people always assumed that I was clumsy or bad at sports just because I was fat.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I was clumsy and bad at sports, but the assumption hurt.
You know, when I was little, there were some other kids and an entire country that judged me based on my appearance.
- They did? - Yeah.
You know, my dad He He always made me feel better.
He told me I had no control over what those kids were gonna say, but I did not have to live down to their stereotypes.
I could just be myself and eat chocolate chips out of my pillowcase for pleasure and not shame.
You know, it sounds like that "The Talk" you had with your dad really helped you out.
Nice.
Yeah.
S-Shall we continue this over dinner? Nope.
Why do I always go to food? So I guess I'll probably be a scientist at NASA, now that I know that being a teacher at Hogwarts isn't really an option.
I mean, unless someone dies or retires.
So how about you, Jack? What do you want to do when you grow up? That depends.
Do you think we'll have the technology to turn people into cartoons? Whatever I do, I have to make enough to take care of this guy.
Have you guys seen my laptop? All we've seen are these adorable puppies.
Oh! Ha-ha! I guess my mommy group was right about taking away those cellphones.
You guys are making a lot of progress here.
Progress comes from not being distracted.
Keep it moving, Rainbow.
Okay, young lady.
Hey.
Uh What are you doing on my computer? I take back what I said about this mommy group.
[LAUGHING.]
It's wonderful! - What? - These women hate you.
What?! Yeah, apparently, they're really mad about something you said about vaccines.
Ah, no! This must be some mistake.
I mean, all I did was post about how well Devante's vaccinations went this morning.
I mean, there wa What is there to be mad at? Oh, people can be mad about anything.
It's the Internet.
Right now on Instagram, there's a grilled-cheese sandwich getting death threats.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm telling you, it's crazy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Them women don't like you.
[LAUGHS.]
"I didn't mean to offend anyone.
I am thankful vaccines have eradicated so many deadly childhood diseases.
" [ALERT DINGS.]
LISA: Oh, look! We've got a shill for Big Pharma here.
- Shill? - [ALERT DINGS.]
AMANDA: In Jersey, we like to vaccinate our kids the natural way by swimming in a polluted lake.
ELIZABETH: Do you know what's in vaccines? Uh, well[CHUCKLES.]
"I am a doctor, so" RAINBOW: "All of us are trying to do what's right for our kids, but we can't let emotions make our medical decisions.
- Frustrated emoji.
" - [ALERT DINGS.]
AMANDA: No, we should let a stay-at home "doctor" make our decisions for us.
Crying-laughing emoji.
Really? "Vaccines work! They work so well that idiots haven't seen the ravages of polio firsthand, so they start spreading lies! Snorting emoji.
" - [GRUNTS.]
- Ha, ha, ha.
How much are they paying you to poison our kids, Dr.
Death? Needle emoji.
Bitch, I will drive to New Jersey to fight you, and your ugly kids can watch! - What - [GROWLS.]
- Mom! - Hi.
DRE: So, I had gotten Lucy and Josh to understand "The Talk.
" It was time to reel in the big fish.
Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, no, thank you.
No, no, I'm trying to cut back on takeout.
My doctor said I should start taking much better care of myself now that I'm getting older.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- What about you? Have things changed for you as you've aged? Nope.
I have the constitution of a horse, and a car interior made of its skin.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I see.
Oh.
Bad eyes, huh? - Yeah.
- You know, growing up, people were so mean to kids with glasses.
I mean, they would call them names and smash their lenses.
Inner-city schools sound brutal.
No, no one ever made fun of my glasses.
Oh.
Not even a little bit? No one ever called you "Little Connie Four Eyes" or made you feel like an outsider? I was homecoming king.
Didn't you go to an all-boys school? We had two kings.
It was not sexual.
Oh.
Okay.
Dre, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be in your office working on your campaign? I'm almost done.
It turned out that rich white men don't need to have "The Talk.
" Makes sense, since most of the talks are about them.
Looked like I was right back where I started.
Two chairs for two friends! Ah.
Or maybe a little worse.
Really?! Well, you know what, you block me, and I will block you! - Blocked! Oh, yes! - [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
Blocked! And blocked! Blocked, blocked You still arguing with your little online friends? Well, it's more like the the whole Internet now.
You know, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Dre when he proposed to you.
You need to walk away.
I can't walk away.
Not until I convince them that they are stupid.
It's time to give up.
Look at this.
They're calling you crazy.
You can't come back from crazy.
Or so I hear.
They are doing things that are gonna hurt their children.
Well, they don't see it that way, Rainbow.
They think they're doing the right thing.
But I'm right! Doesn't that count for something?! - [WHINING.]
I'm right! - Not online.
Now, you can find people to agree or disagree with whatever you say.
It's like this Okay, what's the greatest song ever made? "Automatic" by The Pointer Sisters.
Now, I can find 50 websites that agree with me, but there are 50 more that say it's "Eleanor Rigby.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Which is nonsense.
But people still believe it.
You see what I'm saying? You really think "Automatic" is the best song ever made? Well, it has everything.
You've got Ruth Pointer's amazing alto, that funky guitar line, those synthesizers.
Look, I'm not gonna argue this with you.
You go to bed, Rainbow.
It's 3:00 a.
m.
, and you look haggard even when you do get a full night's sleep.
What are you doing up at 3:00 a.
m.
? Well, it's none of your business if I'm helping my gentleman caller replenish.
Hey! I was ready to admit defeat.
I had wasted my time talking to people about their feelings.
And even worse, because of all this, I was friends with Josh.
Well, thank you for finally showing up, Dre.
We cracked "The Talk" campaign, no thanks to you.
- What? - Yeah.
Actually, it turns out that it's pretty simple.
Sometimes parents need to have difficult talks with their kids about the fact that life isn't fair.
- But that's exactly what I - Please, just just once, just listen.
That's actually the heart of this campaign, Dre listening.
- Mm.
- STEVENS: You see? Connie gets it.
And we've been discussing it.
And as it turns out, all of us have had to have difficult talks of our own.
Josh is doughy, and Lucy has boobs.
I also have a thriving candle business, so And I, myself, have had many talks with Connie about the fact that people will treat him differently if they find out he's wealthy.
Money.
That was the way in.
My dad's talks are the reason that I bring the Mercedes into work instead of the Lambo.
It sort of makes me seem like more of an average Joe.
Oh, am I pronouncing that right? "Joe"? - "Yoe"? - STEVENS: No idea.
You nailed it.
STEVENS: Actually, I-I got to say, Dre, I-I'm shocked that you don't get that, especially as a black man.
I mean, black parents have had to have that talk with their kids about the uncomfortable reality of American racial bias.
Yeah.
I can't believe I didn't get that, either.
Well, anyway, I took the liberty of calling P&G and letting them know that we have busted this campaign wide open.
And they're so grateful, they're flying me to the Super Bowl! - Wow! - That should be fun! [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, hey, we can watch the Super Bowl at my house.
And don't worry.
I talk during the game, but I am totally quiet during the commercials.
Ooh! So fun! Really nice edge work.
Thanks.
What should we tackle next? I'm thinking something that's all ocean.
Or one giant eyeball.
- Ooh! - DIANE: Yeah? Yeah? Or maybe someone bought a 4,000 piecer of Middle Earth! - I don't know.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Here you go.
Here you go.
And here you go.
I don't know why I listened to those stupid moms on the Internet.
I am an amazing mother without them.
So go ahead, my sweet children, and rot your brains.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
[CELLPHONE DINGING.]
Wow.
People really hate this grilled cheese.
I was on a high.
Maybe it was possible to communicate with each other in the modern world.
- I got good news.
- Ooh! Tell me, tell me, tell me.
My co-workers actually understand "The Talk" a little bit.
- No.
Wow! - And you were right.
- Hmm.
- When you listen to people, they end up listening to you, too.
[SCOFFS.]
That's a load of crap.
What? Maybe that works face to face, but it does not work on the Internet.
There's so much bad information.
There used to be people we all could trust for answers.
Now anyone can be an expert.
Isn't that a good thing because the people who didn't have a voice before now they have a voice.
I have a pretty popular taco review blog.
It's not that popular, Dre.
- It - It's not.
I don't think I'm gonna change anyone's mind online especially 'cause I called them all murderers.
You what? That is why I am going to write a book.
A book.
So that's your solution.
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.
I'm a doctor.
I am a mother of five children.
Who better than me to offer sound advice and calm people down? - Hmm.
- I think it's perfect.
Yeah, mm, you do love telling people what to do.
Yeah.
I do.
I like that a lot.
- Do I have to help? - No.
Then I'm all-in.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [THE POINTER SISTERS' "AUTOMATIC" PLAYS.]
Hey.
Is somebody bumping The Pointer Sisters? - Sounds like it.
- No way to control it - That is the best song of all time.
- It's totally automatic Whenever you're around Okay, really, Dre? - Oh, my goodness.
- I'm walking blindfolded Ooh! Look at that! 4,000-piecer.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Um, hey! My operating system is updating, so, you know, thought I would just kill some time.
Oh, uh, yeah, totally.
Totally.
Our teacher said we could get extra credit by doing a puzzle, so - That sounds real.
- Very real.
Puzzles are dumb.
I-I don't miss them.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Like, totally.
I mean, might as well break into this bad boy till something better comes along, am I right? - Uh, sure.
- I mean, I-I guess so.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Ohh! Whoa! So many pieces.
- Let's do it.
- All right.