Black-ish (2014) s05e12 Episode Script

Dreamgirls and Boys

1 DRE: Gender roles have evolved over the years.
And I'm fine with that.
I don't mind putting my baby to bed.
And Bow's cool with taking out the trash.
[Grumbling] Oh, my God.
What is in this? And why is it hot?! [Groans] Yeah.
Gender roles are changing.
Do you want to drive? - Nah, I'm good.
You drive.
- Okay.
But some changes are harder for me to roll with than others.
What the hell? He's letting her drive?! He better be drunk.
[Domino clacks] Did you see your son leave with Niecy? I did.
They're so cute together.
Although she's a little bit familiar.
- Mm-hmm.
- I ran into her in the upstairs bathroom.
- I mean awkward.
- Okay, but don't get too attached, all right? Because this is basically over.
He's letting her drive on the date! Oh, no! What's next? Is he gonna let her vote?! He's throwing away everything we gave him, all right? We set him up perfectly! [Stammers] - We gave him brains.
- I gave him the brains.
- We gave him height.
- I gave him the height.
Well, I gave him the looks.
People whistle at you when you walk down the street.
You've never walked around with me when I've been in a tank top.
- Thank God I've never walked - Hey, Mom.
Can you quiz us on our lines for the school play? Oh, yes, of course! I love "Death of a Salesman"! I would be happy to! Give me your script.
I will be your audience.
- Ready, Quinn? - Okay.
[Clears throat] Hey, Willy, over here! Over here, pal! That was great.
Keep going.
- Oh, those are our only lines.
- Oh.
We play Salespeople Number Two and Three.
Davis added extra parts so no one would feel left out.
Okay, then.
Every part is a good part.
Guys, Ms.
Davis just called.
She's having auditions to replace Willy Loman and his wife.
Cameron Carter and Emily Copeland dropped out? Why? Did they break up? - Nah, they both got mono.
- Ooh.
And you know what that means.
Somebody's steppin' out.
How do you know that's what that means? Being a stage manager means you grow up quick.
I've seen things backstage.
- Really? - Frenching.
And a rat.
Wha Oh Wh [Sighs] Well don't you guys want to audition for the leads? I mean, come on! Made-up parts are for losers.
Well I guess.
What do you think? You could be Willy Loman.
I'd be your wife.
Well, I mean, not that I'd want to be your wife.
S-So stupid.
It'd be great if you were my wife.
I do.
Uh, I will! So stupid.
[Horn honks] That's my mom.
Thanks, Dr.
Oh, gosh, yes.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, let your mom know this isn't North Hollywood.
We don't use our horns.
- Okay, great.
- Bye! - I'm just gonna walk him out.
- Okay.
Check this out.
My son went out with his girl last night.
And she drove! - Whoa! - No, she didn't.
- Wow! - Exactly.
- Oh, my God.
- He finally has a girlfriend, and he has no idea how to hold on to her.
There's a way? I mean, are there steps? Is there, like, a chart? 'Cause I'm asking for a friend.
What friend? Give me their first name in two seconds.
Billy B B What kind of man lets a woman drive him around? A man with a D.
A man who has no legs and hasn't had his pedal extensions put in yet.
A man who owns a Maybach and lives on a tropical island where only women are allowed to be chauffeurs.
A man who lets lemon juice Charlie, not today.
All right? My son is emasculating himself, and Bow swears it's fine.
A-Am I missing something? So, it's never okay to let a woman drive you? Nope.
I lost respect for my husband the day he said, "Honey, can you drive? I took too many pills.
" So now I'm like, "Now you can't drive or handle your pills?" Got me thinking, "What else can't you handle?" So I drove us right to the courthouse, and I got half his pills.
- Aha! - Yep.
STEVENS: I'm astonished you're upset by this, Dre.
You're always the one going on and on about progress and equality.
Well, what says "equality" more than your son not needing his penis? So, you all agree that Junior is blowing it? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Yes, sir, yes, sir.
- Wow.
I couldn't get you all to agree when I said those Chilean miners should be rescued.
Yeah, well, they knew what they were getting into.
- It's a mine.
- They got overtime.
- Mom? - Yeah? Guess who got the lead in the play! Really?! Oh, my goodness! You're playing the wife? Forget the wife! Diane's Willy Loman! Willy? I hope that's short for "Willamina.
" No.
I'm the lead.
The male lead.
This is amazing! Diane! Oh, my Oh, my goodness! Oh, my g What, uh What happ What happened with Quinn? He was close, but Diane edged him out.
He didn't even know what to do with his hands.
Now I don't know what to do with my hands.
[Stammering] Wha But Just Ex-Excuse me.
S-Sweetheart, put them put them in your pockets.
I don't know if I should do it.
The show's in three days.
I've had a stomachache ever since I heard.
Oh, that's not a stomachache.
That's your ovaries revolting.
Girls shouldn't play boys' roles.
And I'm not liking him in this yellow bib.
Ruby, stop judging my babies both of them.
Diane, I know this seems like a lot, but you are gonna be amazing! I mean, I still regret not playing Hamlet in high school.
Why didn't you? I wasn't cast.
But I would've crushed it.
Diane, Willy Loman.
Willy Loman! It is one of the greatest roles in American theater, and a young Black woman doesn't get the chance to do it every day.
And shouldn't do it any day! It's confusing for the audience - and for God.
- Oh, my gosh.
If the Rapture comes during the show, he might miss you because you're wearing pants.
But I already wear pants.
I'm gonna miss you in Heaven, baby.
BOW: She doesn't know what she's talking about.
You're gonna find that in life, there are people that try to hold you back.
You and I have the same person.
Do you want to do this? I do.
Then we're doing it.
Okay! I'm Willy Loman! [Squeals] Yes! Oh, my God! Hashtag Black girl magic! Hashtag Black girl magic! [Both laugh] [Sighs] Hey, Dad, what's our picnic basket sitch? Why would I know that? Well, Niecy is taking me to the Hollywood Bowl, and she has got a whole night planned.
She really knows how to romance a guy.
Okay, this stops now, all right? No more dates for you until I teach you how to be a man.
What What am I doing wrong? Everything.
Boy, you are a mess.
Oh, this is nice, Pops.
We We should do this more often.
You got to be alpha.
Stop all this beta male stuff.
All modern women are the same.
They want to be equal, they want to see somebody named Amy Schumer, and they want you to pick up the check.
Niecy likes to go Dutch.
Not even Dutch people like to go Dutch.
You guys just don't get it, all right? My generation does things differently.
Is that so? I know some of your generation ain't gonna do no differently.
Hey, ladies, let me ask you this question.
Would you go out with someone who didn't pay for dinner? - It would depend on how cute he is.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- Junior-level cute.
[Inhales sharply] Ooh.
Are we past the stage where I have to be polite to keep staying here? See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
So, this one guy took me to the movies, right? Going great, super cute.
But then I catch him sweating the concessions guy 'cause he charged him 25 cents for relish.
Hear that? Now, what grown man ain't got a quarter? Pops, you got a quarter? Watch yourself here.
Guys, I appreciate your help, but I can't do this.
I've got a brie to soften.
A what? I've got to overcome it.
I know I got to overcome it.
Willy, darling, you're the handsomest man in the world.
Oh, no, Linda.
To me, you are.
And scene.
Scene, indeed! Great job, ladies! Great job! - Yes! Yay! Okay.
- Yay.
So, cast, uh, tonight, work on your lines, and I will work on enforcing - our policy on closed rehearsals.
- [Chuckles] My bad.
I shouldn't have let her in.
I got sloppy because she's my mom.
Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart.
Hi! Oh, goodness.
Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you.
This is going so great! It is not.
Things were great with Quinn when we both had small parts.
- Oh? - Now he's spending all his time flirting with Lila.
Ugh! He's one of those guys.
But who cares.
I care! I like Quinn! I know you do, sweetheart, but this is about something bigger.
Women are finally taking their rightful place, and you are playing Willy Loman! You are a trailblazer! - But I don't want to be a trailblazer! - What?! I want to flirt with a cute boy and wear makeup.
That isn't what being in a play is about.
I'm 13.
That's all being in a play is about.
We're seventh-graders doing "Death of a Salesman.
" It's not great art! [Stammers] Oh, come on! What is this thick-ass cheese doing in here? Dee-Dee.
What's up? I just found out that men resent strong women! [Door closes] But history loves them! Baby.
What's happening? [Sighs] Diane doesn't want to play Willy Loman.
- Good.
- What?! I didn't want to say anything, but she's gonna get teased - playing that old man.
- Dre I mean, I'm her daddy, and I had some heat rocks lined up.
How could she choose a boy over a part? Diane was always so fierce.
Oh, tell me about it.
When it's me and her home alone, I keep my phone right next to me.
This is not the girl I raised.
She had me.
I am the most powerful role model ever.
Do you know that in med school, I became my role model's role model? She would put her hand on her heart I find that highly unlikely, but you know what, babe? - You should take it easy on her.
- Mm.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Babe, you were 13 once.
Actually, that's really good advice.
- Of course it is.
- [Chuckles] I don't know if you've heard, but I'm a great dad.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm - [Buzzer] - Aw, come on! Oh, hey, Junior.
So, tell me this.
How are you gonna mess up your Valentine's date? Yeah, you got to man up, son.
You are going to pick her up, right? Nope.
You gonna order her meal for her? I don't know her allergies.
Are you going to pay? TBD.
O kay.
You'll be home by 9:00.
You know what, son? You gonna lose Niecy to a dude in a Porsche.
Might lose her to a dude in a Prius.
Guys, enough.
I'll be fine.
Too late.
He's a goner.
Got to start training these boys earlier, son.
You go get Jack.
I'll wake up the baby.
All right.
NIECY: So, the steak place we're going to it's dope.
But it's kind of pricy, so my treat.
Sounds good to me.
[Rapping] Minimizing my enemies - [Engine revs] - A method by any means Necessary to get the job done Who are you? Huffin' and puffin', bluffin' You thinkin' I'm 'fraid of who? You know what? Dinner is on me.
It is Valentine's Day, and I want to treat my lady right.
That's so sweet! I just need to swing by an ATM first.
There's a Cal National near the restaurant.
[Inhales sharply] Actually, I need a Wells Fargo, or else I'll have to pay a $2 fee.
[Groans] Pfft! I was just messing with ya! My baby wants a Cali Nash, we go to a Cali Nash.
I got paper in every ATM, baby girl.
You know what I'm sayin'? Come on! Quinn still hasn't called me back! It's been half an hour! Call him again.
I can't.
It will show up on his phone.
See? Those smartphones.
You know you used to be able to call a man a hundred times before his girlfriend got suspicious.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Knock on door] Hey, guys! Little girl, you want me to drive by that little boy's house for you, baby? See if his bike is there? - Ooh.
- Yes, please.
Hi! So, I know exactly what you're going through.
When I was 13, I had a Quinn.
You did? Ohhh, yes.
Phillip West.
He was so cute.
He used to get mad because I would do better on our science tests than him, so when they gave it back, he would flip through mine and be like, "You got that one? How did you know that?" Ooh.
That's so annoying.
But I wanted him to like me so bad that I started purposefully missing questions so he would get a better grade.
Did it work? Yeah.
So you could take a page out of my book.
You could let Quinn be Willy Loman.
You could take one of the smaller parts.
But then you have to deal with the awful feeling that you dimmed your light for someone else.
Thank you, Mom.
You're welcome, sweetheart.
[Groans] Um, what ever happened to Phillip? You think I keep track of a guy who dumped me at a Young MC concert and then lost his tenure due to plagiarism? Because I don't.
No, I don't.
So, Junior listened to me and Pops and started manning up for his girl.
Sir! We'll have two steaks.
Very good, sir.
I was actually thinking pasta.
Two steaks and two pastas.
You want a starter? Shrimp? All right, we'll have some shrimp, too.
And none of the little ones, all right? We want the ones where you can see the whole face.
My baby likes 'em jumbo.
Very good, sir.
Pasta's good, huh? I ordered angel hair, but this penne is really good.
[Fork clatters] Boss.
[Chuckles] Does this look like the hair of an angel to you? Junior, it's fine.
He knows what he did.
Take this back.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Are you sure you don't want to split it? You hold on to your little money, all right? Big J's got this.
Eee! Well, uh if you'll excuse me for one second, uh He made a mistake.
He didn't charge me enough.
What? [Cellphone chimes] [Footsteps approach] [Sighs] - [Cellphone chiming] - [Bow vocalizing] Junior's texting me for money? [Scoffs] No, thanks.
Did you just shush your own son? Well, if he's so fine, then he can handle whatever it is himself.
What are you so happy about? I am so good.
I opened up to Diane about my seventh-grade crush.
- Ooh! - My vulnerable 13-year-old girl chatted with her vulnerable 13-year-old girl.
- Oh.
There she is.
- DIANE: Hey, Mom! Ooh! Oh, God! - Hey.
Okay, thanks for the talk before.
- Yes? You were a big help.
- Okay, so, guess what I did.
- Mm-hmm.
I told Quinn that I was going to trade parts with him, and now we're going to the movies on Sunday! - What? - Yeah.
I turned my light down, and it worked.
Just like you said it would No! No, no! T-That is not what you were supposed to take away from the story.
I Okay.
I'm gonna call the drama teacher.
You guys are not gonna switch roles.
Mom, I don't even care about the part anymore.
I don't care that you don't care about the part anymore! You are going to shine your light whether you like it or not! Why are you doing this to me?! Because I-I believe in you! You're a trailblazer! - [Cellphone chiming] - Looks like there's only one undefeated parent in the house.
Damn it, Junior! Take a hint! BOW: Oh, I'm excited.
Want a program? BOW: Ohh! Ohhh.
I see you're still icing us.
What happened? Thanks to them, I humiliated myself manning up last night.
I ran out of money, so I had to raid the fountain outside the restaurant.
[Exhales sharply] I'd like to settle up.
Oh, man.
- Mnh! - [Sighs] I paid in other people's wishes.
Good evening, and welcome to our production of "Death of a Salesman" by Arthur Miller.
Please respect our performers by kindly silencing all cellphones.
[Cellphone ringing] [Ringing stops] Hey, Mason.
Yeah? Yeah, I think I'm doing pretty good, too.
Was I wrong to force Diane to do this? No.
Nothing bad ever happens when a parent forces a child into show business.
- Thank you, Ruby.
- Mm.
Willy! It's okay.
I came back.
Where were you all day? You look terrible.
I suddenly couldn't drive anymore.
The car just kept on going off onto the shoulder, you know? Suddenly Bow had a lot riding on Diane's performance, but I got to say, my daughter stepped up, and she delivered.
[Cheers and applause] Bravo, Diane! Bravo, Diane! That man is my daughter! That man is my daughter! [Cheers and applause continue] Peggy, we're a hit! We're gonna run for two whole weekends! Oh, my God! [Both squealing] Hey.
Can I get a ride home with you? Sure.
If your masculinity is strong enough to survive the passenger seat.
A dude's driving, so it's fine.
[Scoffs] Never thought I'd be cool with watching my daughter play a man, but I loved it.
So maybe I can be cool with, uh you doing your thing, too.
Thanks, Dad.
And, you know, you're not as outdated as you think.
After all, you were raised by a strong woman - Yep.
- married a strong woman - True dat.
- are raising two strong women.
Sure am.
And you're not threatened by any of them.
Maybe Diane.
Come to think of it, you're actually a feminist.
I am, aren't I? Yeah.
And being a male feminist is a much bigger deal than being a female feminist.
Uh I guess I'm the biggest feminist in the family! [Both laugh] Yup.
Be sure to tell Mom.
She will love that.
Yeah, I will.
- I will.
- [Chuckles] Bye, guys! - Bye! - Bye! Hey.
Hey! How was the cast party? - It was so amazing! - Was it? Everyone just kept on congratulating me.
It just felt so incredible to be up on that stage, Mom.
- I'm so glad you made me do it.
- [Squeals] Ohh! I'm just so proud of you.
And you know what the best part is? You set a precedent about choosing yourself, and that's gonna stay with you for the rest of your life.
Thank you, Mom.
Plus, Ms.
Davis was so impressed with my performance, - guess what she did.
- What? She decided to switch up the roles in the next musical to "Dreamgirls and Boys.
" - That's so cool! - I know! Oh, my Hey.
What happened with Quinn? Oh.
He hooked up with my wife.
- But you know what? I don't even care.
- Okay.
I'm done with boys who can't handle my success.
That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Hey, Diane.
I just wanted to say congrats.
You were awesome.
Thanks, Pablo.
Um do you, um do you want to sit together at lunch tomorrow? First, you need to know something.
I'm dope.
And I'm always going to be dope.
Can you handle that? Y-Yeah, totally.
Well, great.
Find me at lunch.
- Bye.
- Bye! Hashtag Black girl magic.
Hashtag Black girl magic.
- Hey, hey, now! - Hey! No, no, no, no, I'm not living without ya I'm not living without ya I don't want to be free-ee-eee I'm stayin' I'm stayin' And you, and you, and you You're gonna love meeeeeee