Black-ish (2014) s05e13 Episode Script

Son of a Pitch

1 - - DRE: So, Junior's been interning at Stevens & Lido.
[FLATLY.]
Hey, guys.
Thanks for the opportunity.
- - And like starting any new job, there were some growing pains.
Stevens & Lido.
Oh, yes, ma'am, Mr.
Stevens is in the bathroom, - so why don't you call back - Bathroom?! - in like 30 minutes.
- Hey! - [MUTTERING.]
Cut it out! - I'm so sorry! - 45 minutes! - What are you talking Don't answer the phone anymore.
- - Some major growing pains.
Thanks for changing that.
- Allow me.
- Thank you.
I have a meeting! This almost never happens! Which leads us to today.
I'll have the Italian sub.
Okeydoke.
And to make it easy on you, I'll get the same thing.
Just make sure my meat is on the outside of the sandwich.
I'm not even trying to touch bread.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Got to keep my shoulders sexy.
Do you just, like, not want bread? No.
A sandwich with no bread is just a pile of meat.
Dude.
Okay.
Uh, lettuce and tomato? Sure.
Have them put it in a bowl and chop it up and throw some dressing on it.
So, a-a salad.
Oh, my God! Have you not had a sandwich before? Is it just me? It was taking him a while to find his footing, but he was settling into his role of intern.
- Hey, Dad.
I hope you don't mind - [SIGHS.]
but I had a couple of thoughts for the Southland Mutual pitch today.
Okay, well, I do mind.
- You're not ready.
- How do you know? Because you gave me Charlie's lunch.
WOMAN: [PEPPY VOICE.]
Southland Mutual It's your money! - [KEY CLACKS.]
- MAN: [EXCITED VOICE.]
Southland Mutual - It's your money! - [KEY CLACKS.]
MAN #2: [SERIOUS VOICE.]
Southland Mutual It's your money.
Enough! Enough! You've actually found voices more annoying than my ex-wife, may she rest in peace.
We are going back to the drawing board.
- That is crap.
- Mm-hmm.
I might have a solution.
What? If I may You may not.
No, no, no, l-let him go.
It's not like I'll be embarrassed.
What have you got? Know this, if the words "star" or "wars" come out of your mouth, I will knock you into a galaxy far, far away.
Um I think the slogan works.
It's you know, just missing a little something.
Like, uh "Southland Mutual It's your money Yeah.
" Hate it.
Hmm Interesting.
Yeah, that, too.
I-If you like that, I thought about a "yes" or a-a "yep.
" What about a-a "maybe" or a "okeydokey" or a "damn straight"? Well, what about a "yes"? What were you doing? You guys were stuck, and I thought my idea might help.
They always say a good idea can come from anywhere.
Yeah, it comes from people who sit around this table.
Leave the ad stuff to us, and we'll leave the "not knowing your place" to you.
Yeah, and everyone leave my laptop to me.
This is a real computer and not a toy that sends zoo e-mails.
But, wait, wh-what? - Hmm? - But, guys, Mr.
Stevens liked my pitch.
He said it was interesting.
You don't know what "interesting" means.
What if you took off all of your clothes and your girlfriend says, "Interesting" and then leaves the room? Do you think she's coming back? Depends is it hot or cold in the room? Boy, that's not the point! You spoke out of turn! You could have gotten both of us fired.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I I didn't realize that.
Well Well, I couldn't get fired 'cause I have a very tight lawsuit, but you? You don't have tapes.
[LAUGHS.]
You blew it, college boy.
Your days are numbered here.
[LION ROARING.]
Excuse me.
I have to go handle this business.
- What you guys doing? - Quiet.
She concentrating on my science homework.
Hey, hey, hey, get a few wrong so that they know I did it.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know that's the Stunts' brand and everything, so Stunts, it's actually pretty interesting.
- If you just - Pass.
So, uh, where's Dr.
Bow at? I got a weird mole I want to show her.
She's meeting with Mrs.
Keeley.
You're letting Mom go to a parent-teacher conference? Ugh, rookie move.
Are you supposed to have street smarts? We told her that they stopped doing parent-teacher conferences years ago.
Yeah.
She also believes we don't get grades during the month of Ramadan.
Look, the point is, she's going to embarrass you, like when she dances.
And it's gonna be sad like when she dances.
She's just talking to a teacher.
How bad can it be? What's the deal-y, Mrs.
Keeley? Give me the real-y.
[LAUGHS.]
- I've got 40 more parents after this.
- Oh, that's fine.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Here's some of Kyra's most recent test scores.
Oh, okay.
[GROANING.]
Oh, my goodness.
Oh! She aced these! - Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Got that one wrong, right there, actually.
There's only 114 elements, unless they added four that I don't know about.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- They did.
They They, uh Oh.
Okay.
Well guess that's why you're the teacher and I am the doctor.
[CHUCKLES.]
So anyway Kyra has a real aptitude for chemistry.
I mean, she's really drawn to it.
She gets that from me.
Yeah.
I mean, I know she's only been with us for, like, a short amount of time, but I make a big impression.
- I can see that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is it the shoulders? Giveaway? [LAUGHS.]
Brr! So, there is a magnet school nearby that I think she'd be great for.
That's incredible.
Oh, my God, she must be so excited.
Oh, no.
She is not into it.
- What?! - Every time I bring it up, - she blows me off.
- Huh.
I just can't get through to her.
Well, I-I will talk to her because this is this is a big opportunity.
I will tell her how attractive a magnet school can be.
Oh, my God, I didn't even know I just did that.
Did you hear that? [LAUGHS.]
Thank you, Dr.
Johnson.
Yep.
Yep, okay.
- I'll try one more.
- Thank you.
Hey Ooh.
Ah! Tough afternoon, huh? Yeah, but you learned to listen to me and not ignore my years of experience.
You won't do that again.
- No, I won't.
- Mm.
I just thought I had a good idea.
Of course you didn't! You haven't had a good idea in a while.
Like, leaving Howard [CHUCKLES.]
that shirt.
- Come on, son.
- You're right.
I really feel like I stepped on some toes.
Charlie won't stop texting me GIFs of people getting knocked out.
Look, this is a teachable moment.
You messed up, but you can make it right by working twice as hard.
You're not gonna be a superstar overnight.
Ah! There's our superstar! - What? - Junior, the client loved your tag line.
- Really? - Yeah, they did.
And I said there's nobody we'll find who says it better than you.
So, we're just gonna have you record it.
Now, important question do you have an agent? Uh, no.
Perfect! Yeah.
We'll just have you sign a standard Motown Contract.
- Oh.
- But he has to get our coffees first, right? Please, please.
We'll get someone less important for that job.
Uh, Josh! Yes, boss? - You're on coffee.
- [DEJECTEDLY.]
Yes, boss Take notice, Dre.
One day, we could all be working for your son.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Great shirt.
- Thank you.
It's okay, Dad.
Look at this as a teachable moment.
A good idea can come from anywhere Yeah.
- Mom! - Yeah? - Big news! - Ooh! - Medium news.
- Tell me.
I am the new voice of the Southland Mutual campaign! What?! Oh, my God! That is huge! Voiceover.
- Yep.
- Okay, d-do me a favor.
Say this for me.
[DRAMATICALLY.]
"Previously, on 'Top Chef' " - Previous - Okay, it's not huge, okay? The client just liked a little pitch that he made, all right, so he's just recording a demo.
- It's nothing to congratulate him about.
- Congratulations! - It's nothing to congratulate - Thanks, Mom.
I'm gonna go upstairs and find out how much bank Flo the Progressive lady makes.
- All right.
- That is being proactive.
- Whoo! - [LAUGHS.]
All right.
That's exciting.
- This is terrifying.
- What? The whole point of me taking him to work with me during his gap year was so that he could get some real-life experience.
It sounds like that's what he's getting.
- Getting lucky is not real-life experience.
- [SIGHS.]
What happens when the luck runs out.
How do you know his luck's gonna run out? It's luck, Bow! That's what it does.
Oh, my God.
That's why Pops was so hard on me growing up, because he didn't want me to get caught off guard when the other shoe dropped.
I thought Pops was hard on you because you look so much like Ruby around the eyes.
- That didn't help.
- Mm.
But Pops was right.
You know, maybe Junior does well tomorrow.
- Mm.
- He gets signed, he makes some money, - he impresses a girl.
- [GASPS.]
But the girl only likes him because he's on a hot streak.
Voice work runs out, so does the girl.
Now he can't sleep.
Stress builds! He needs a nightcap! The booze doesn't work, so he turns to medicine.
Medicine turns to pills, and the pills he thinks is good because they come from a doctor.
Are you on pills right now? No, I'm not on pills, Bow.
I'm just thinking about our son ending up in front of a hardware store, trying to earn $10 the best way that he can! Okay.
Yeah.
You are ridiculous.
- Me? I'm ridiculous? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, s-sex for money, Bow! Or him helping somebody build a deck! Either way, our son's gonna be wearing tight shorts! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Special K.
That's a drug reference, Dr.
Bow.
Is it? I knew that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I came in here to talk to you about getting high on opportunity.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, sweetheart, listen.
Um, so, Mrs.
Keeley told me about the magnet school.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm so excited.
So she also told you I'm not interested.
[LOUDER.]
What?! Why not? No, Kyra, this is a chance to get a leg up in life.
You You got to You got to take these opportunities when they come.
I just see so much - untapped potential - Untapped potential.
in you, and it's just that you're - you're a leader, not a follower.
- Leader, not a follower.
Yes.
Yes.
And I-I just think you would really benefit from A change of scenery.
Maybe.
Ooh, my girl's psychic, psychic.
That's not what psychic is Yeah, I've heard these speeches a lot.
Kyra, I just I feel like you should change schools.
I think you should be somewhere that has more to offer.
I'm good right where I'm at.
- Kyra - I know what's best for me.
You don't even really know me.
I know you! What's my middle name? - Ah Psh, ah - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
What's her favorite color? Uh [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Ah! [LAUGHS.]
Turquoise for both.
What? Kyra Turquoise loves turquoise.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Up we go.
- All right.
- Well, listen, I Okay.
- We're just gonna finish up our homework.
- I just want to be honest, though.
- Yeah.
I am terrible with middle names.
I do not even know if I gave Devante a middle name, - so it's not like I would've asked you that.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
So DRE: So Junior was set to record the voiceover, and I knew the right thing to do as a father was to root for him to fail, and it looked like it was happening in front of the client and all.
[METAL CREAKING.]
I am so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
Let's try one.
- All right.
- Okay.
Hey, give it your best shot, son.
All right.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Southland Mutual It's your money Yeah.
Perfect.
What? - You nailed it! - What?! - Did I get the job? - No.
Yes.
You're the voice of Southland Mutual.
- All right! - But he only did it o Dre! Right, the client's happy, we're happy.
Hey, that's lunch, everybody! - Josh! - All right! [METAL CLANGS.]
What? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yes, okay.
- What's all this? - Everything you need to convince a young girl how rewarding a life in science can be.
This is my med school diploma, these are medical journals that I've been published in, and [CLEARS THROAT.]
an ATM receipt.
Yes, I know it's a little crass, but it's proof.
I get paid.
I mean, it's a it's a little low 'cause we just paid the property tax, but you see how Look at that.
All of this is to convince Kyra that she should transfer to the magnet school.
Come on, Mom.
Her school is where Stunts and all her friends are.
[CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
Look how happy she is.
[INDISTINCT TALKING, MUSIC PLAYS ON CELLPHONE.]
RAINBOW: Oh, wow.
Check that out.
[LAUGHTER.]
She does look happy.
Yeah, I guess that would be hard, you know, leaving all your friends, starting all over again.
Exactly.
Why do you think I haven't applied to clown college? Because I got the grades.
- Oh, look, you're in this one.
- DIANE: Kyra, you guys, check this out.
- Ooh! Oh, you do not need to see th - Oh! "I'm Dr.
Johnson.
I keep on having babies even though I know how bodies work.
- And I get paid! - [LAUGHTER.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean, that that could've been any Dr.
Johnson.
[CHUCKLES.]
I haven't had a baby in two years, little girl! STEVENS: That put out the fire completely.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Hey! There he is.
Hey, we're just having some, uh, celebration cake for Junior.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yesterday, he was a lowly intern.
Today, he's the voice of a regional bank.
- Mm.
- Uh-huh.
And tomorrow, we'll be staying at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERING.]
Check your inbox.
There's a bill for a two-night stay at Circus Circus.
So you guys are just handing out cake now? Dre, you once demanded cake when you parked really good.
I backed in.
D-Dad, just have a slice of cake.
No, I'm I'm good, son.
Thank you.
- Come on, Dre.
- Hey, I'm a diabetic.
That didn't stop you when we had that cake that was shaped like a pair of Jordans.
You ate the laces like you were "Lady and the Tramp.
" Okay, well, y-you know what, man? I'm I'm more of a cookies kind of guy.
That's your favorite topping for cakes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Dad, just have a small piece.
I don't want the damn cake, all right! [DISH CLATTERS.]
What is your problem?! First, I can't speak up.
And then I do say something and kill it twice, and you still can't give it up for me! Why can't you celebrate my success for even a second?! You know what? It's whatever.
Wow, Dre.
You are a bad dad.
And I never felt so close to you in my life.
We're gonna get through this.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Oh Hey, Pops.
Can I talk to you for a second? I knew I should've read the paper in the library.
Go ahead.
Look, when I get bored, I'm leaving.
Okay.
So you may have heard that Junior's had a little overnight success.
Yeah.
Already borrowed 100 bucks from him.
[CHUCKLES.]
He thought it was a loan.
[LAUGHS.]
Mm.
So what's the problem? Me.
I basically hated on him every step of the way.
All I was worried about was making sure he was ready for failure, but, Pops - he hasn't failed.
- Oh I never had that problem with you.
You're in uncharted waters, boy.
Hmm.
So I'm supposed to just keep preparing him for failure? Yeah, if you want to be a good father.
The world is hard.
That means you got to be hard on him so that nothing in life - sneaks up on him.
- Hmm.
- Catches him off guard.
- Mm-hmm.
Like, uh when you made the football team.
Oh, man, I was so excited.
I ran inside to tell you, and all you could say was I was too small and too fat and was never gonna play.
And I was right.
You never did play because you were too small and too fat.
Ah - Everybody called me Mini-Fridge.
- See! I kept it real with you, son.
'Cause I knew the world was gonna keep it real with you.
[EXHALING.]
Yeah Yeah.
And it wouldn't have killed me to let you have your moment.
Really? Oh, yeah, son.
It was a big deal that you made the team on account of your height and your weight.
- Thank you, Pops.
- Mm-hmm.
Say, you know what? Maybe it's not too late for me - to have this conversation with Junior about - [GROANS.]
- It's it's I - Oh, good Lord.
Good talking to you, too.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Kyra! I got your laundry! That's not my laundry.
It's Diane's.
Oh silly me.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm here, so let's talk.
So [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
I think I know why you don't want to transfer.
You don't want to leave your friends behind.
Nice try, but I really just don't want to - start all over again.
- Start all over again.
What? No.
Mnh-mnh.
I just feel like I've - had enough change already.
- Had enough change already.
- Stop it.
- Mm.
I just I'm just saying that That you don't want to leave your friends and your school? Because they're the only constant things you've had in your life? Maybe.
I know it's hard to leave everything that you know, but what if we find you a great school where you already know people? What are you talking about? Bow-Bow's got ideas.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Hey, son.
How's it going? Are you drinking? Nah, it's a mocktail.
Helps take the edge off.
[SLURPS.]
- Smooth.
- Ah.
Well, maybe it'll pair well with this.
But, Dad, I had cake.
The problem was you wouldn't have any.
Damn it, son, I'm trying, okay?! It's called a grand gesture! It Forget it.
[CUPCAKE SPLATS.]
Look, son I just want to say that I'm proud of you.
You know, you spoke up at work, - you spoke - Oh, yeah, man, it just It just felt like the right thing to do, you know.
Okay, but that's not what I'm proud of.
All right.
But after that, - you got a shot at recording.
- Thanks, Dad.
You know, it it really just clicked when I But that's not what I'm proud of, either.
You got lucky, and they liked what you did, and you got the gig.
So are you proud of that? Yes, fool! Yes! Look.
I was raised by a father who could only see the bad things that could happen.
You know, did that help with my career? For sure.
But then I got caught up in only seeing the bad things that could happen with you, and I missed out on the good things that did happen.
Son, I just want to say that you did great this week.
Can I pour you one? It's just Sprite and, uh, Tummy Time Tea, but, uh, it'll get you there.
Get me where? Eh, you know what? Never mind.
That'll be fine.
I'll take it.
Neat.
RAINBOW: Hi! Guess what, guys! Kyra has decided to apply to Valley Glen Prep.
- What? - Cool! Remember who was there first.
They have a great science program, and she's gonna be there with people that she knows, 'cause of Jack and Diane.
- Yay! - Yay! Such surprising and expensive news.
And maybe Junior can donate some of that Southland Mutual money.
- Ooh.
- Yeah! No! - Yeah! - Okay No! - Yeah!! - Dre.
Maybe Turn off the light, man.
I got to get up at 5:00 a.
m.
Stevens needs a ton of copies first thing, and I still got to hook up Charlie's hippopota-printer.
What a dingus.
Bet you can't wait to not have to work for those jerks anymore.
Honestly, as crazy as that place is, I really enjoy being around the whole creative process.
You think maybe you want to major in advertising when you go to college? You know I don't really know if I want to go to college anymore.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [GROANS LOUDLY.]
What's wrong? [STRAINING.]
I don't know what it is.
I just know that it's bad.
Oh, my God! [GROANS.]