Black-ish (2014) s05e15 Episode Script


1 DRE: You wouldn't know it from looking at me, but I rose from very humble beginnings.
After years of hard work and sacrifice, there's no question that this kid from Compton has made it.
[Rap music plays] And now, as my beautiful wife and I roll with the crustiest of the upper crust, it's clear we belong.
And we definitely take advantage of the privileges we've earned.
[School bell rings] - 'Sup, admissions lady? - Hi! We just want to let you know that we're gonna be dropping off another one of our kids on you my cousin Kyra.
Yeah, she's transferring from a high school in Compton, and science is her thing, just like me.
- Yes! - All right.
We'll be dropping her off tomorrow, so tell your teachers.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, you know what? She's still going to have to apply and interview.
Uh, Barbara it's us! Yeah, the Black people you put in that brochure.
[Both laugh] Yes, I'm sorry, but I Oh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[Clicks tongue, sighs] - I cannot believe this damn school.
- Right? We sent a gang of kids there.
We should be able to slip Kyra in sight unseen.
Valley Glen would be lucky to have her.
She is a science whiz.
She's light-years ahead of all those dumbass kids of actors.
Like Ray Donovan's kid is great at math.
- You know what, babe? - Mnh-mnh.
I'm worried about this interview.
Why? Kyra is not like our kids.
You can say it she's ghetto! Ruby! Look, I'm just saying.
We all know she's played in an open fire hydrant and called it swimming.
She's right, Bow.
You know, those stuffy, rich folks on the admissions board will think that Kyra does not belong at that school.
Guys, Kyra is smart, and she's sweet.
- [Door closes] - They are gonna be able to see that.
What it do, guardians? Hey, the vending machine at my school had Tahitian Treat, so I cleaned them out! - That's what an "aha" moment feels like.
- [Chuckles] Kyra just hasn't been exposed to White people.
Now, I had to teach Dre to play the game when I was trying to get him in private school.
Now, don't be nervous, okay? You go in there and let those folks know you're a straight-A student who deserves a spot in that school and the academic scholarship that goes with it! Now let's see your handshake.
What up? I'm Dre.
Unh-unh! You're not meeting Ed Lover! Shake like you belong.
That's it! That's right, Mama.
I got to do what you did for me.
I'm gonna teach Kyra how to kill it in a world outside of Compton.
- RUBY: There you go.
- Where's my Ah! I still have my book.
- What? - "Stuff That White People Like.
" - Oh, my God.
- [Laughs] Yo, Jackie, guess who's about to get a job! Oh.
Uh Jack, I'll, uh, elltay ouyay outabay the objay You know I don't speak Spanish.
- [Video game beeps] - Just save it, Junior.
Jack already told me about your secret plan to skip college so you can get a job as a so-called "ad man.
" You told her? Look, we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
I mean, I just needed to fill the air.
Anyway, I don't know if I'm gonna skip college yet, but an assistant job opened up today.
[Knocking on glass] Josh! You can't fire me with a text! Look at me! Let's sit down and talk about this! You've met my parents! We bought these shirts together! I'm gonna ask for the job.
It'll be the perfect way to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
What kind of cologne are you gonna hit him with? Oh, I think I'm gonna mix Dad's Cool Water with Grandma's White Diamonds to make a new cologne called Cool Diamonds.
He's gonna smell like an old couple hugging.
DRE: So, like my mama did for me, I gave Kyra a crash course in playing the game and hoped for the best.
Why is this interview taking so long? I don't know.
Maybe they have her doing puzzles.
- What? - You know White people love puzzles.
I'm sorry? Solving problems that they don't need to have.
[Laughing] Okay.
Oh! Oh.
Hey, hey.
Hello, Mr.
and Dr.
It's actually Dr.
Yeah, I-I said "Dr.
" Oh, sorry.
It's a reflex.
Okay, well, she got in.
- What? - Oh, my goodness! Yeah, we were very, very impressed.
Kyra's so far ahead in math and science, and she's perfect for our STEM program.
Do you hear that? I'm perfect.
- Yes, you are, sweetheart.
- [Chuckles] And we're gonna give her a scholarship.
[Gasps] That's fantastic! Well, thank you, admissions lady.
Oh, y "Barbara.
" - Thank you, Barbara.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- The admissions lady.
Barbara, yes, thank you so much.
Oh, sweetheart.
Um, I know you don't have an assistant, so I took the liberty of getting your coffee just the way you like it milk and seven sugars.
Thank you so much.
A-And I made a list of all of the female clients who might look pregnant so you don't ask when they're due again.
Thanks, man.
I also wanted to apply to be your assistant.
Full discloszh.
I got what they call a "hot desk.
" This position's really lighting up the Harvard alumni Facebook page.
I went to Harvard, by the way.
So, you want my résumé, or Oh! Good to meet you, Kirby! Class of 2016? 10,000 men of Harvard Huzzah! [Laughs] - Hey, buddy, how you doing? - I'm great.
How are you? - It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, as well.
- Now, where did you grow up? - Connecticut.
Of course, but where'd you summer? - Maine.
- Ah! - [Laughs] - Guilty.
- How about you? - Uh, Cape Cod, myself.
Oh, ho, ho! Perfect timing.
- Hey, Dre.
- Oh, hey.
Okay, so because Kyra had such a great first day at Valley Glen Prep, I made a prep-peroni pizza! [Laughs] Get it? - "Prep" instead of "pep," and anyways - Yeah, I got it.
it's a pepperoni pizza.
Okay, did you get fired and not tell us? - What? - 'Cause it seems like you got a lot of time on your hands.
Look, they wrote an article about Kyra in the school newsletter.
Pretty cool, right? "From Compton To The Quad.
" - Hm.
- DIANE: Allow me.
"Welcome, Kyra Winston, a brave teen who's flourished, despite an absent father and a mother in prison.
" - What? - What? "Kyra attends Valley Glen with a need-based scholarship and lives in Sherman Oaks with her cousin Andre Johnson, who is also from Compton and himself received aid to attend private school.
" - Why are they mentioning that? - I don't know.
"Sources close to the family say Mr.
Johnson takes his wife and kids for granted.
" - What?! - What? It doesn't say that.
Yeah, I added that.
He needs to know we know.
- Diane.
- Guys.
Give us a minute.
- Can you believe this article? - Right? They didn't even mention her academic achievements and Oh, my God.
Look at that.
It's only my elbow in that picture.
Both of these things are very disturbing.
All right, Bow, they put my business in the street.
- I Yeah.
- They made it sound as if I was a charity case from Compton who needed a handout.
Dre, if Kyra's not bothered by it, you shouldn't be, either.
To understand why I'm so bothered, you need to know my origin story.
My superhero journey began when I completed the curriculum of my public school in a single bound.
That's right my mighty mind earned me an academic scholarship to an elite private school.
- [Gunshots] - All my life, I deflected the assumptions that I had been given handouts, and I exceeded all expectations.
I went from being the Compton Kid to the self-made superhero you all know and love.
Where's my movie? Anyway, I'm a little sensitive to how I'm portrayed.
They're acting as if we both needed handouts.
I got an academic scholarship.
Okay, nobody's thinking about the Valley Glen newspaper.
Look at this.
"Swim Team Gets New Trunks.
" Yes, they did.
Quit looking at White boys.
Now, what was I talking about? A misdemeanor, at the very least.
I can't compete with a Harvard guy.
I was counting on this.
I'm sure you guys didn't notice, but I was kind of floundering during my gap year.
- Oh, we noticed.
- Yeah.
Just because you don't go outside doesn't mean you don't have to wash your clothes.
Just when I'm getting some traction, I don't even get a chance to take the next step.
Dude, you can't just give up now.
When Luke Skywalker got his hand cut off, did he just give up and say, "I'll learn to wipe with my left"? No.
He got himself a dope metal hand and became a Jedi master.
Oh, actually, it's hotly debated when exactly he became a Jedi master.
- See, there's intertwined timelines, and - DIANE: Junior.
I'm-a keep it real with you.
No one in this family believes in you.
No one.
If you don't prove us wrong now, when will you? [Rap music plays] Despite my mama's reassurance, that newspaper article had me spun out.
- Guys, come on.
- I needed to make sure that the folks at Valley Glen knew we belong.
[Sighs] All right, put on these Versaces.
- Dope! - Over my glasses? Uh, Miss Biggs is not gonna let us wear these in class.
Your mother is a doctor.
Take this note.
Now go floss on 'em.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Aww! Dre! I had no idea you were from [Whispering] Compton.
[Normal voice] I'm just so glad that the school has the resources to help your family.
And there it was.
Now, no matter what I did, I would just be seen as a kid from Compton.
My basketball team can't afford uniforms.
Please help me out by buying one of my off-brand candy bars.
I have Kat-Kats and Smickers.
I don't need handouts! These are Versace! Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace! I can't believe it.
All those years of showing how much we belong at Valley Glen ripped away from me.
Now they see me as just a kid from Compton.
Come on, Dre.
You say that you're just a kid from Compton all the time.
Yeah, you use that exact hashtag in all your posts.
Damn straight.
So, it's okay for you to say it but nobody else can? Damn straight! Well, that's just great.
Another one of those.
I'll tell ya, it is a dangerous time to be White.
DRE: Okay, look, when I say it, it's to own the adversity I overcame and to inspire other people in the hood.
When they say it, they only see the adversity.
Like the days we spent with the oven door open to keep the house warm or the nights gunshots made me sleep in the bathtub.
Dre, I-I had no idea.
That is terrible.
You know what? I want to give you this.
It's $100.
Just keep it.
Don't say "Thank you.
" - See? - [Sighs] Everybody always goes for the handout.
And it is so shameful.
Preach on, brother.
See, this is why it's so important for people to see me as a successful man who made his own way.
Yeah, because for a second there, you sounded like someone who was invited to the "Today" show but then they're not allowed to sit on the couch.
I'm not allowed within 500 feet of the "Today" show because Al Roker's ass set me up.
Don't give me the signal to put 'em on the glass and then deny it when all the kids start crying.
Oh, the games you play, Al Roker.
Tsss, kshh, hmm.
STEVENS: You know, if you care so much about your narrative, do something big to change it, Dre.
Maybe you're right.
So I went back to Valley Glen Prep to take back control of my narrative.
- Ah, Mr.
- Oh.
I could hear you shouting "admissions lady" from the foyer.
I've got an announcement.
Kyra Winston will be declining your financial aid.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Johnson a-are you refusing a full scholarship? You heard me.
- Run it.
- Oh, are you sure? We want to help Kyra.
You know, actually, I-I have been to Compton through the magic of film and I I know how hard it is to get straight out of there.
I don't give a damn.
All right? Andre Johnson is paying full tuition because he does not need handouts! - All right, you see this sweater? - Fine.
These are designer holes.
Italian designer holes.
Okay? Now run it! Oh, hold on.
Which one did I give you? The The silver one.
Oh, I gave you that one.
You know what? Here.
Um, can we, um can we split it between the two? I-I just put a gang of Versace on that one.
So, while I was doing my thing, Bow was on the other side of campus, doing hers.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! - You're Eric Hinkle, right? - Mm-hmm.
You wrote that little article about Kyra Winston? - The Compton girl? - [Inhales deeply] I wanted to add a picture of her neighborhood, but my mom said we don't have the kind of car you can drive down there.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! No.
You listen to me, Hinkle.
The achievements of Black women are consistently undercut, and that is exactly what you did in your little article about Kyra.
She has a brilliant scientific mind.
If you say so.
So you're gonna print a correction, little man.
Which I happen to have right here.
Should've read like this.
"Meet Kyra Winston, a National Merit Scholar who plans to follow in the footsteps of trailblazers like, uh, NASA astronaut Mae Jemison or the brilliant, celebrated, and beautiful anesthesiologist Dr.
Rainbow Johnson.
" Huh? What? Oh.
Should I have put "Dr.
Bow Johnson" first? I Do you have a pen? Hey.
Look, I know you are interviewing a lot of people for this, but I want to plead my case.
I know all of your accounts, all right? I've got my finger on the pulse of what Gen Y-ers like, which has helped a ton It's too late.
I hired Kirby.
What? Sorry, Junior.
Kirby and I just had an instant connection.
I mean, he rowed crew on the Charles River.
I was thrown into the Charles River.
Come on.
This is the problem with corporate America.
You hire all of your buddies because you look at them and you see yourself, while good candidates like myself don't even get a chance.
That's not fair.
You think you're like him? You're a talented, misunderstood nerd who lives with his mother and lost his virginity last year.
Just like me.
That's a connection.
And this is the last time I tell you this you got a little something on your face.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
It's the Roker signal.
What? Oh! [Glass squeaking] Look at that.
I'm making it walk.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Hey, babe! - Ah.
[Singsong voice] Um, check out what I did! - [Clears throat] - What'd you do, baby? What'd you do? "Kyra Winston: Unhidden Figure.
" Ah! - [Chuckles] - Unh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! That's my woman! You changed the hell out of that narrative.
- Yeah, I did.
- And so did I.
[Gasps] What did my man do? I paid full tuition for Kyra.
[Laughs] W-Why? Because you said they were overlooking her achievements.
So, with your article and my irresponsible spending, they have only one choice, and that's to focus on how brilliant she is.
- Hey, hey, don't worry about it.
- Okay.
All right? We'll just take the money out of Jack's college fund.
That's fair.
I mean, Jack's only gonna use it on candy anyway.
[Sighs] [Remote chirps] Wait a minute.
I was counting on Jack's college fund to get me some new knees.
- [Sighs] - [Chuckles] What happened to that that nice picture of you and Kyra? Ah, well, Bow flipped it.
You know, because that last article made it seem like Kyra and I had the same story, which we don't.
We are not two ghetto peas in a pot.
Sweet Black Jesus, why are you saying that? Also, do you think peas grow in a pot? - Dre - Mama, look.
You told me to tell those White folks who I am, and that's how I got into private school, and that's how I earned everything I got in life all by myself.
Except you didn't.
What? You did not get an academic scholarship.
You got a handout because you were a poor kid from Compton.
Mama, what what are you talking about? You're not better than Kyra.
You are Kyra.
What Okay, okay, Mama, what do you mean I'm Kyra? You remember the man who owned our apartment building? Mr.
Well, he saw potential in you and wanted to pay for your schooling.
And you let him? I didn't have the money.
And I figured that school was the best place for you.
Okay, Mama, you told me I got an academic scholarship because I worked hard.
You did work hard.
And I never wanted you to question whether you deserved it, which is why I lied to you.
Mama, that scholarship is part of my origin story.
It gave me confidence my entire life.
It made me think I could do whatever I wanted to because I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.
Bootstrapping is a myth! Nobody ever got anywhere in life without help! It doesn't matter whether you're a Black, White, or a Chinese! It doesn't matter! Okay, okay, Ruby, just "Chinese," not "a Chinese.
" - Chinese.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
So, now, Andre, you're judging Kyra for taking help.
And I had to tell you the truth because that's not all right.
That's not all right.
I didn't even catch that.
You know, I've been, uh I've been acting crazy.
- [Dialing] - I've got to make it right with her.
[Line rings] Dre, why are you calling her? She's upstairs.
Hey, hey, uh, Mastercard? Yeah, I'd like to report some suspicious activity at Valley Glen Prep.
O kay.
[Whispering] And And also, uh, Versace Online.
I can hear you.
[Normal voice] Okay, good.
You wanted to see me the overly qualified intern? No.
I wanted to see my new assistant.
The way you stood up to me, that was impressive.
I could, uh, learn a thing or two from you about confrontation.
- [Lock clicks] - What's going on? - You know - Oh.
Uh Josh! Josh, you can't fire me on Facebook! [Door rattles] Open this door, or I'm gonna kick your ass! - You know what? - [Pounding on glass] Let's just talk about your new responsibilities.
Come on.
Come on.
He'll He'll tire himself out.
- Okay.
- They always do.
- Josh! Josh, open the door! - Um I feel like Come on! It's me Kirby! We went to Harvard! Ready? Stop eating it! - Okay, okay.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- All right.
- Okay, here we go.
- Congratulations! - Hey, congratulations, Kyra! Ooh, cake! You couldn't hold it with one hand so you could knock? - Oh.
- Okay.
You know what? - I'm-a let that slide.
- Yep.
Uh, I know this celebration is a little late, but I just want to let you know that I am proud of you.
And I'm also proud of where you're headed.
So am I.
Thank you, guardians.
- Oh.
- [Laughs] All right.
And I can't wait for you to read this article.
It's been rewritten, and I embellished a-a little bit, so if anyone asks, I invented the - epidural at NASA.
- What? [Scoffs] Look here, Bow.
- Just take a picture of us, okay? - Okay.
- There you go.
- Yep.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, let's see.
- Come on.
Smile for the camera.
- There you go.
- You guys look amazing.
- All right.
[Camera clicks] Say wassup to Josh's new assistant, kid! Don't make me regret helping you.
Just sayin'.
Now that I've got this job, I might be able to get on the advertising fast track and never go back to college again! - DRE: Junior! - Uhh Did I hear correctly? [Stammers] W-What'd you hear? That you're gonna be working for Josh now.
Hey, son, I think that's great.
You know, you could use that extra money to buy books when you get back to Howard.
Oh, ye Right, right, right.
" Mm.
JACK: So, either you'll go back to college or you'll skip it and Dad will kill you.
Either way, I'm gonna get my own room.