Black-ish (2014) s05e18 Episode Script

Andre Johnson: Good Person

1 DRE: Just like our smartphones, sometimes we humans need updates, too.
So, I pay all the bills, and I'm forced to sit Indian-style on the floor? Easy, fella.
It's "criss-cross applesauce" now.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Dad, would you like it if there was some White guy asking his son not to wear his hat "Negro-style"? Criss-cross applesauce it is.
Fine.
Move your feet, Negro.
So, I try my best to stay up to date, but it doesn't always work out.
I know what we're doing for Devante's birthday party.
Ha ha! A water gun fight! - A box of guns, Dre? - [Chuckles] We are not having a gun party for our child's second birthday! Think about the message that you're sending! The message is, "Who wants to get riddled with fun?!" Aaah! Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay! Oh! [Laughing] What? Do you think I would really give you a loaded water gun, Bow? [Sighs] I have thought about this birthday party, and we've got to do it right, and the child-rearing rules keep changing.
It's tough to keep up! - [Laughter] - Oh, hey, um - I made some homemade snack bars.
- Oh.
Healthy, organic, no gluten, no dairy, no nuts.
Oh.
Hey, did those go right from the hot oven into that toxic plastic container? Um no.
Warm plastic leaches toxins into food.
- Did you know that? - [Sighs] I still microwave Styrofoam, - so I probably did not know that.
- [Sighing] You know, when the chicken bone pops through, that's when I know it's done.
Well, I've thought about Devante's birthday party, and we need to be more mindful.
And for his party, we are gonna have an allergen-safe environment with organic face painting and gender-neutral games.
And pony rides! [Muttering] Oh, my God - You're joking, right? - What? - Those animals are so mistreated.
- Exactly! I just saw a doc called "Parties of Shame," and the only thing treated worse than those ponies - are human clowns.
- Mnh-mnh.
But unlike the ponies, those clowns had a choice.
- Mnh.
- They just made the wrong one.
Look, all this stuff might've worked 10 or 20 years ago, but we know better now, and we need to do better.
Okay, okay, babe, I hear you.
- Okay.
- How 'bout a piñata? - Really?! - What's wrong with a piñata?! Let's start with the fact that it's hanging from a tree.
Oh Yeah, I guess I should've caught that.
Plus, many of those piñatas are unlicensed reproductions - of copyrighted - You know what? Mnh! Oh! - Dad, why?! - You know why.
Uh w No, don't.
Take Take cover, sweetheart! - Yeah, "Boyz n the Hood"-style! - There's no water! - There's no water in it! - "Boyz n the Hood"-style! - Wh - [Screams] [Shouting] So, Mom was hitting Dad up about being more mindful, and I think she's right.
We could do more, especially when it comes to the environment.
But we do a ton for the environment.
I mean, we're twins.
- Instant carpool.
- No, we can do better.
We've been riding on that for a while.
Bingo.
Great.
So, our first order of business is to wrangle up the most wasteful person among us.
[Door opens] [Water running] - Grandma! - What the hey? How did I know the shower would be on but you wouldn't be in it? 'Cause Grandma's efficient, baby.
I'm getting the wrinkles out of my clothes and skin at the same time.
- It's definitely working on the clothes.
- Whoa.
Okay, that sharp tongue of yours is gonna serve you well in hell, baby girl.
And anyway, I can only brush my teeth in humidity.
I've got what dentists call "fool's enamel.
" Come on, Grandma, you gotta start thinking about the environment.
Yeah, get on board.
You kids got it all wrong.
Letting a little water run is fine if the reward you seek is not of this world.
You see, there's nothing to recycle in heaven.
Eh? Now get out of here.
I floss in the nude.
- That's right! Go on! Get out! - Oh! Get The hell outta here.
Go on! Talking all that crap.
- [Sighs] - Uh-oh.
Okay, what's wrong, Dre? Is the vending machine all out of sunflower seeds? Okay, so, then, you do know.
We're having Devante's birthday party, and I want ponies and water guns, but Bow says I'm not being mindful.
- Ohh.
- Mnh.
Suddenly, everything I love is a problem.
- Tell me about it.
- [Pen clicking] Do you remember bum fights? God, they were so much fun.
Now you can't call 'em "bums," and you can't make 'em fight.
Hey, you know what? There are land mines everywhere.
A rug can be called "Oriental," but that can't be your preference on your dating profile, believe you me.
And can someone tell me this when it did become not okay to kick birds? That That long, huh? Look, guys, there's a lot of upside to being mindful, but, damn it, it seems as if they keep moving the goal line.
Mm-hmm.
Like there's a secret society who decides what is and isn't appropriate for all of us.
- Yeah.
- Secret society? W-W-Who's in a secret society? Not me.
[Chuckles] And hell, nah, we don't call ourselves Illuminaughty By Nature.
- What? - [Chuckles] STEVENS: Look, Dre, face it, okay? The moral high horse that society is riding these days, well, it is trampling over everything we love.
And the minute they take it away, oho, it is gone forever.
So what do I do? You fight it, Dre.
Come on, have the party you want to have.
You want to shoot ponies? Go ahead, shoot ponies.
We aren't shooting ponies! So they already got to you, huh? [Door opens] - [Humming] - Bow, we need to talk.
- Hi, Dre.
- Hi.
Uh, look, baby, we need to stand tall and fight for everything that our kids enjoy classics.
All right, we cannot let the PC Police take everything away from us.
So I'm giving you two choices for Devante's birthday party ponies or water guns and ponies.
Okay, I understand that this is important to you, Dre, but what is important to me is that I can make adjustments and be mindful.
And I get it I'm a good person, but can we maybe pick this up later? Is that cool? All right? And you're making me lose count.
- Okay.
That's cool.
- 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27.
[Door shuts] - Baby? - 28, 29, 30.
Yes.
Did you just call me a bad person? Yeah.
I did.
Just because I think our son would like a little water fight and a couple of ponies at his party does not make me a bad person.
[Clears throat] Okay, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't baffled by some of the things that you still do.
Like what? You still listen to "Ain't No Fun.
" It's a jam.
It's misogynist.
It's about friends and sharing! Think about the chorus.
- [Gasps] Oh - Yeah.
It's, uh it's just about sharing.
And it's not just about music, babe it's your whole approach to life.
I mean, you are not mindful of how things impact others unless they directly affect you.
Name an instance where I put myself ahead of others.
[Laughs] [Laughing] What's so funny? [Laughing] You want me to name one? Yeah, that's about 50 pounds.
Okay.
Back to Sexy Dre.
I didn't come up with "Sexy Dre.
" - The streets did! - Okay, fine! How about the fact that, when we go out to eat, you never want to do farm-to-table.
'Cause I don't care about the biography of a carrot before I eat it.
I know that you sneak-watch "The Cosby Show" in the middle of the night.
- I only laugh at Rudy.
- [Scoffs] Everything you're calling me out for is what contributed to who I am today.
Ohh you know what? - What? - [Clicks tongue] You're right.
Ohh, sweetheart.
- What? - I know it's hard for you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying you're better than me, Bow? - Well.
- Well, for someone who claims to love animals as much as you do, you're serving an awful lot of steak at Devante's party.
I only buy level-five, grass-fed, hormone-free beef.
Those are happy cows.
Yeah, happy until they get a bolt in the brain.
Fine.
I'll be vegan.
It's no problem.
Okay.
What about those diamonds? Hmm? What about them? Lives were lost for those blood diamonds.
Rent a movie.
"It's not bling-bling.
It's bling bang.
" Then I won't wear them anymore.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it's easy not to wear earrings.
Why don't we do something that requires real sacrifice? Like that luxury SUV that seats eight but only drives one most of the time.
I'll take the bus! Stop talking crazy, Bow, and just admit that I'm not a bad person, and you're not as good as you say that you are.
- [Sighs] - All right, and let's go order some steak - with some diamonds on top.
- Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah! The sign of a good person, Dre, is that you are willing to do better, and I want to do better.
You won't survive on the bus.
Game on! I'm-a get a monthly pass.
Do you know why? Because I Uh am a good person.
Hey, kids! Come on over here and give Grandma a hand.
Come on.
Grandma, how come you didn't use the bags that we gave you? Yeah.
Science shows that those reusable totes are better for the environment.
Unh-unh.
I found an onion skin in one threw 'em all away.
Contamination! Did you individually bag bananas? Oh, baby, when they touch, they go bad.
There's your science.
Well, can you at least save them so you can reuse them? Oh, baby, I save 'em already! Look at this.
See? [Gasps] Grandma, that is horrible, even for you! - You can't possibly keep all these bags! - You hear that, kids? Mr.
Environmental wants me to dump them in a landfill.
I'll get rid of them the right way with an old-fashioned trash fire.
Diane, go get my burn barrel.
You had it last.
Grandma, no.
You'll release greenhouse gases.
And that melts the polar ice caps.
Tell her, Diane.
I don't know.
I love polar bears, but I also love a big, stanky fire.
Diane, no That's right, baby.
Burn what needs to be burned.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- Mm.
So, Bow had been living mindfully for a week.
I kept waiting for her to crumble, but she was all in.
- You know, Dre? - Hmm? I don't even miss my diamonds.
And everyone at work - loved my vegan chili - [Crunching] and you were wrong about the bus.
How's that book, Bow? The reviews are great.
Oh! Oh.
[Chuckles] Um, it's really good, Tonya.
Yeah, uh, you can borrow it when I'm done.
- That would be amazing.
- Just like our public transit system.
- [Laughing] - Amazing.
Yeah.
Right? Making all these adjustments has made me feel like I'm doing my part.
- I see it, too - Hmm.
and I think you deserve a reward for being such a good person.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't tempt me not with burgers or steaks or Voilà! - Feast your eyes.
- Mm-hmm.
Smell it.
Mmm.
[Sniffs] [Exhales shakily] [Inhales deeply] Conflict-free? No much conflict.
Inner conflict.
Should I go huge or huger? I hope you kept your receipt, Dre, because Mama is clean now.
I And I need to go finish reading my book so that I can give it to my bus buddy.
Hold on, b-babe, babe.
You mean, you really weren't doing all of this just to make me look bad? I am not, Dre, and you should try being a good person, too.
It's not that hard.
Make that change.
[Clatters] Even though this man in the mirror was fly, Bow had me thinking.
If she wasn't going to come down to my level, maybe I needed to come up to hers and be more mindful like by donating my unmindful things to charity.
These were made in a sweatshop, probably by children.
Real wolf fur.
- Likely a mom and her cubs - [Sniffing] taken while sleeping.
It was so in that year, but so wrong.
My belt budget alone could build a girls' school in Africa.
And now that I was seeing the world in a different way, I couldn't turn it off.
For example, Tony is no longer a Latino he's a member of the Latinx community.
And I'm learning to speak Latinx.
Holax, Tony.
Buenos Diax.
I think that was right.
I even had to see my lunch in a different way.
I was excited about eating mindfully.
Whoa.
How did you have them cook that, medium-green? - [Laughs] - [Chuckles] Guys, I'm happy with my salad.
Are you sure you're not sick, Dre? - Hmm? - Because that looks like the lunch of someone who found out he's gonna die if he doesn't make changes.
- [Laughs] - Ooh! One rib left.
- Splitsies? - Oh, absolutely.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Of course, it was a struggle to stay mindful, and I nearly fell off the wagon that night.
MAN: Welcome to Pauly's Burgers.
What can I get you? Yeah Never mind.
I can't do it.
[Muffled hip-hop music plays] [Music continues] Oh, no, you didn't.
- DRE: Hey! Hey! - [Radio clicks] - [Classical music plays] - Hey.
I see you.
I see you! And were you just listening to "Ain't No Fun"? - Huh?! - [Seat whirring] The least mindful song in the history of hip-hop?! What?! That's corrupt! You hypocrite! - [Muffled] I know! - I I know "Ain't No Fun" is wrong, but you were right it's a jam.
And it was my jam all through med school, and I can't take that back.
You guilted me into donating my wolf coat.
- Wh - And now my fox scarf looks silly.
It always looked silly, didn't it? - I ate salad for lunch on rib day.
- [Whispering] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now, was this mindfulness just a lie? No! I tried! And I It was all going really well, and then, I-I don't know, I just I fell off the rails today.
BOW: Sure, not wearing my diamond ring made some things easier, but it also made some things creepier.
- Single, huh? - Oh, uh [Scoffs] Once they take this catheter out, why don't I take you out? [Laughs] It turns out they were lying about loving my chili.
[Gasps] [Gasps] And even the bus stopped working for me.
Here you go.
Enjoy.
Thank you! [Dramatic chord plays] - I knew it.
- [Groans] Bow, just admit You are no better than me.
I'm not.
We're both terrible people.
Well, speak for yourself.
Do whatever you want for Devante's birthday party.
I don't I don't have a leg to stand on.
[Clicks tongue] What? I-I [Crunching] - Got to hold it? - Yep.
- There we go.
- Uhhh TOGETHER: [Chuckling] Ooh! This is gonna save us literally hundreds of gallons a year.
Aww That's nice.
You guys finally found the perfect thing to put all your ideas in.
Jack, you want to come with us to test-drive an Escalade tonight after dinner? I'm starting to think I need more elbow room and off-roading capabilities.
- Off Off-roading? - Mm.
Grandma, that car gets like 14 miles per gallon.
Jack, after 400 years of suffering, don't you think Black people have a right to enjoy the fruits of their labor? And now we're supposed to spend more time cleaning up messes we didn't make? Does that sound right to you as a strong Black man? Say no more.
Sorry, Junior, but this strong Black man's going with his grandma.
- Let's ride dirty.
- Mm-hmm.
- For my brothas! - That's it, baby! Oh, hey, Grandma.
On our way there, can we both litter? Oh absolutely.
[Exhales deeply] Ha! And then there was one.
[Laughs] - Hey, babe? - TV: will return after these messages.
[Television clicks off] What were you watching? "Sixteen Candles.
" - [Gasps] Oh, you mean the movie - Ohh.
where they play the gong every time the Asian character enters? - Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
And that other guy just gave his drunk girlfriend to a nerd.
- It's horrible! - [Chuckles] I loved this movie when I was a kid.
It was the first time I saw a story about an awkward teenage girl that was like me.
Oh.
I just don't feel ready to give it up.
Ugh! I'm a monster! - Hey, hey, hey, babe.
- Mnh? - I hate this.
- [Groans loudly] I just wanted to knock you down a peg.
I didn't I didn't mean to break you.
You didn't break me.
It was that mom at the park - talking about plastic.
- [Sighs] And the thought of all those parents coming over here to Devante's birthday party and judging me because of the water pistols and the ponies.
So you know what I did? - I judged you.
- Hmm.
I made you feel bad to make myself feel better, and for that [sighs] I am sorry, my husband.
I am sorry.
You know what, my wife? You're still a better person than me.
- You don't have to say that.
- No, it's true, babe.
You are the moral compass of our family, and I need you to be that for all of us, especially for me.
It's why we work.
[Clicks tongue] So you're saying that even if I drive my big truck to work, I'm still better than you? That's exactly what I'm saying.
What if I go to the drive-thru and order something with bacon on it? Still better.
What if I swerve close to a cyclist just to scare them? Now you're getting on my level.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
I've done it a few times.
[Both laugh] - RUBY: [Laughing] - That was the best.
We had to stop for gas three times.
- [Laughs] - Yeah.
The coolest part was passing by all those people we could've picked up but didn't.
Living our best lives, huh, baby? - Mm-hmm.
- If it were up to Junior, he would have us get out and push our way home.
You know what? I'm out, Grandma.
You win.
No one is gonna change your mind.
And maybe you're right.
Maybe I should start living like you in the moment with no concern for the next generation's future.
Here.
Keep an eye on your grandson.
Come on, guys, let's go throw some batteries in the regular trash! [Keys jingle] That guy, huh? [Chuckles] Ooh.
Don't look at me like that.
Of course I want a nice planet for the next generation to live on, but don't I deserve to enjoy my hard-earned freedoms? Ohh you got me there, now.
I'm being selfish.
Okay, Devante.
I'm gonna do better for you.
I'm gonna even start turning my car off when I get home.
I don't need the heater running all night.
But I can take those five minutes and warm it up in the morning.
How 'bout that? [High-pitched voice] What about the plastic bags, - Grandma Ruby? - [Laughs] Don't push it, Junior! [Laughs]