Black-ish (2014) s06e10 Episode Script

Father Christmas

1 DRE: Christmas has always been the favorite holiday in the Johnson house.
It's the holiday that brings out the best in us.
Hey, playa, whatcha gonna get, punk - For Christmas? - Yeah! Whatcha gonna get Well, sometimes it brings out the best in us.
We have lots of family traditions, but Pops only has one Well, we go through this every year, Earl.
We close at 6:00 p.
on Christmas Eve.
It's Christmas Eve again? - Yes.
- Already? which sucked when I was a kid, but over time it's been one of the things I've gotten used to.
Pops just doesn't do Christmas.
- [Horn honks "Jingle Bells".]
- [Laughs.]
What's that? Merry Christmas, family! - Oh! - Whoa! LYNETTE: We lost a few gifts on the freeway, but there's something for everyone! [Laughs.]
Ooh! What the hell? 06x10 - Father Christmas What gives, Pops? - Huh? - I thought you hated Christmas.
Well, in the past, I never had a reason for the season.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hurtful.
But Lynette loves Christmas, and seeing it through her eyes has just opened me up to - just how special it is.
- Mnh-mnh.
Did you know Starbucks changes their cups at Christmas? Look at this.
The lady's in a snowflake.
Now, how'd they get the lady in the snowflake? What you doing in the snowflake, baby? How is it that you are in your 60s and you are only just now - discovering the Christmas spirit? - Mm.
I know.
I feel like I've been missing out.
You've been missing out? [Chuckles.]
One year you gave me a piece of coal and told me it would be a diamond if I was stronger.
Well, we'll just have to make up for lost time.
This year the Johnsons are going all out.
We're gonna roast chestnuts on an open fire, we're gonna deck the halls, we're gonna put little presents in them big-ass socks.
- What? - Stockings? Man, they got a name for all this stuff? - Ooh! - Wow.
I might be going out on a limb here, son, but this feels like the most wonderful time of the year.
So this is what Alzheimer's looks like.
Pops, you're pitching Christmas to us like it's vegetables.
You've made the sale, brother.
We're in.
Uh, maybe you should incorporate some of my traditions, as well.
Ooh, we really don't like to stray from our own traditions.
We're very traditional like that.
Are you sure? Because one of the traditions in my family is that we hide $200 in the house on Christmas Eve.
And in the morning, all of the kids hunt for it.
Can we have a moment, please? We're in.
We'd also like to call you "Nana Nette.
" Okay, well, I'll go get my money.
- Ah.
- [Laughs.]
Another Christmas miracle.
Mm, mm.
I got a warm, fuzzy feeling I thought I could only get from alcohol.
I'm glad you've come to embrace what is easily the most popular day of the year, Pops.
Dre, I recognize that, in years past, I have disappointed, but that stops now.
What's done is done.
I promise.
Now, you want to live in the past or you want to go find the best damn Christmas tree in town? I want to forget the past and find the best damn Christmas tree in town.
- But, Dad - Hm? we already have a tree that you and I picked out together.
Put it in the trash.
Daddy, let's go! - Hurtful.
- [Door closes.]
So, do we have a head count for the open house yet? Uh, yeah.
Somewhere between 18 and 48 people.
No one has RSVP'd.
I bet you if Jamie Foxx was having this party, people would have RSVP'd.
But all I get is, "[Bleep.]
you, Bow.
" You know what? I'm just I'm just gonna go.
All right.
I'm gonna make the Christmas list.
All right.
Looks like someone's having a stressful day.
Oh, God, you know how it is.
Every year, there's just so much Christmas to take care of.
Well, I'm pretty handy in the kitchen.
- Are you? - If you're comfortable, I'd be honored if you'd let me make Christmas dinner.
There's my list.
Oh, sweetie, I don't need anything.
I'm going to do my traditional Creole buffet.
I'm talking boudin, étouffée, shrimp remoulade.
Christmas can't get any better.
Hey! I'm off for my Silver Singles Christmas cruise.
I'll see you suckers after the ball drops.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
When you never had a Christmas Like the ones in TV shows No good gifts beneath the tree No bikes or boxes tied with bows But Santa must have got my letter Because my Pops is so much better Many years I've waited 'round DRE: Let's dance.
For Father Christmas to come to town Yeah Father Christmas So glad you're the man Father Christmas With the Christmas plan 40 years - [Camera shutter clicking.]
- Till Father Christmas came to town Fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaa [Chuckles.]
Here's a $50.
Make sure you take care of everybody.
Happy holidays.
- Happy holidays.
- Happy holidays.
Uh, ladies like necklaces, right? 'Cause that's what I got Lynette.
As long as it doesn't say "Life Alert," you're fine.
Oh, cool, cool.
[Both chuckle.]
Hey, kids, I'm gonna need you to go get Lynette, Doug, and the rest of the family, all right? - We're gonna do Christmas story.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- [Chuckles.]
It was Christmas Eve, and the house was full of love.
Come on, guys.
Christmas story.
Me and Pops.
Pops and Lynette.
I was even digging Doug I'll be right there.
even though he drank too much of my Scotch, and Bow finally got to relax.
So that's why she got a dragon tattoo.
I was finally getting the Christmas I'd always dreamed of.
Grab your places.
Let's get this story started.
All right, come on, everybody! "Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense" - And? - "and myrrh.
" - Myrrh.
- Whoa! [Thudding, bells jingle.]
Did you guys hear that? - Huh-unh.
- Hear what? - [Thudding, bells jingle.]
- That.
Up on the roof.
[Thudding and jingling continues.]
If it's up on the roof, it can only mean one thing.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Merry Christmas! - Oh, my God! My elves and I have been working to make sure that this is a Christmas that no one forgets.
And I have a sack full of presents for all the good boys and girls.
I've been good, Santa.
I want a present.
I've been good.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! - [Doorbell rings.]
You see what happens when you tip the carolers? I'm gonna have them spread joy elsewhere.
Oh, hey.
Merry Christmas, brother.
Can Can I help you? Merry Christmas.
Is Lynette here? Uh, yeah.
Come in.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Lynette, uh, you got a visitor.
Phillip? - Phillip? - Oh, my Ain't that your ex? Lynette, when I got back to Sierra Leone, I realized I should've never asked you to to choose between me and your life here.
- So I have sold everything.
- [Gasps.]
All right, I'm giving up my life because I choose you.
Phillip, you should not have come here.
But I'm so glad you did.
Wait, wait.
Hold up, now.
W Earl, when Phillip and I split, it was because I thought we could never be together.
What are you saying? Earl, I'm so sorry.
I love you.
But I need him.
Phillip, did you just get in tonight? PHILLIP: I flew in last evening.
[Door closes.]
[Bells jingle.]
Oh, my God.
So I think I'll probably just Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
[Door closes.]
There's nothing sadder than a heartbroken Black man in a rented Santa suit.
Hey, Pops, I-I don't even know what to say.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
If you'll excuse me [Bells jingling.]
I'm gonna go be alone for a minute.
That poor guy.
I'll go check on him.
Okay, well, I am gonna be upstairs, slicing open pillows, looking for the cash that Lynette hid.
That homewrecker.
Baby, I believe in this love Sweet love Hear me callin' out your [Music shuts off.]
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm just taking a minute.
Look, you ain't got to check on me, son.
Go on, enjoy your Christmas.
I'm fine.
Hey, Pops, it's okay if you're not.
Oh, but I am.
I managed to pour a whole bottle of your good Scotch into this coffee cup, so I'm-a just hang here.
You go have a nice holiday with the family.
Pops, I am not about to leave you out here alone.
All right, these these last few days with you have been some of the best, most Christmasy days of my life.
Let me pay you back, Pops.
Let me give you the best Christmas that I can give you.
Well, guess it can't be no worse than sitting here, drinking Scotch by myself, having feelings up to but not including crying.
Ah, there you go.
So we're gonna do Christmas, huh? But we can scale it back, all right? We don't have to have the open house tomorrow.
Might be good to see people.
Yeah, yeah, I could use the distraction.
Good looking out, son.
Always, man.
Oh, dry clean only.
I just was wondering if that was, like, wash and wear, but okay.
I've never seen anything like this before in my life.
I was up all night, worried about Pops.
Well, then, you're the only person who snores while they're awake.
We need to get rid of everything that would remind him of what happened, starting with these jammies that Lynette bought us, all right? - We got to lose them.
- These? But they're the softest things - that have ever touched my body.
- DRE: I don't care.
These and everything else that will remind him of her need to go into the wood chipper.
You finally got me my wood chipper? What? No! Why would I get you a wood chipper? You know what? Never mind.
I don't care.
Go get rid of these things.
Uh that's a good fresh start.
All right, now we have to figure out what we're gonna do about this open house tonight.
We're still having the open house? Yeah.
Pops still wants it.
Okay, Dre, I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm cooking a gumbo I should've started four days ago, and there's some sort of giant, 10-pound roast in the oven, and I don't even know what kind of meat that is.
You are a doctor, Bow.
That's the one thing we're not supposed to do.
We are all doing things that we have never done before.
Did I think I was gonna have a colonoscopy before I had my first Christmas with my daddy? No! Bow, miracles are happening all around us.
Miracles, Bow! So we'd gotten rid of every trace of Lynette around the house.
And now it was all about the good stuff watching Laker-Clippers and opening presents.
- He's coming, y'all.
- Oh, hey, hey, how does he look? I don't know.
Wearing a pastel linen pant and moving slow.
Looked like Pops.
- Hey, hey, Pops.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Smells like burnt alligator in here.
That's what it is.
Why don't you come on, sit down, and open up a gift before our guests start to arrive? And there's one for you.
"To Pops and L" You know what? Uh, just to Pops.
We don't need that.
What is it, what is it, what is it? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- That's a good one.
Oh, an olive-wood cutting board.
Very nice.
- Pretty.
- Oh.
DRE: Oh, you got a "Lynette & Earl.
" That's, uh That's a brand name, like, uh like Black & Decker.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what, Pops? We can open up gifts later, because the real present at Christmas is people.
Yes, it is.
Hey, Portal, call Rhonda.
[Portal beeps.]
Hey, Portal, answer.
[Portal beeps.]
- Hey, hey! - Oh, hey! - Merry Christmas.
- Hey, family.
RHONDA: Merry Christmas.
Pops, word on the street is you got dumped.
- POPS: Uh, yeah, yeah, that that happened.
- DRE: Rhonda.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Pops.
She didn't deserve you anyway.
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
And, you know, it's Christmas Day, and I'm surrounded by the people I love.
Yeah, and Dre.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
- She burned you.
- I'll remember that.
I'll remember that.
DRE: I didn't care how it was happening.
All that mattered is it seemed like Pops was coming back to life.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Oh, excuse me.
Yeah? Hey.
Hey, hey, Doug, what are you doing here, man? My Pops can't see you.
Hey, hey, you know, just because my mom isn't with your dad doesn't mean you and I can't hang out.
Doug, that's exactly what that means.
But we were gonna go see that new "Star Wars" together.
Hey, hey, you know what? Check this, Doug.
You still can, all right? I hear it's great.
But what I'm trying to say is, "These are not the Dres that you're looking for.
" All right? Merry Christmas, Doug.
- May the Force be with you.
- But Hey.
So it was a closed door for Doug and an open house for everyone else.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, Janine.
- Yeah? Hominy? Onion fritter? Blackened gator? - Thank you, no, no.
- No? No, I'm I'm I'm full from those giant shrimp.
- Oh, delicious.
- Yeah, I-I've never never had them like that before, you know, with with the eyes and the whiskers - and the - Yeah.
and the kind of still moving around.
There's a lot of fight in those little guys.
- Mm.
- Huh? Makes them tasty.
Hey, you're an old lady.
If you were going to hide $200 in a house like this, where would you put it? [Sighs.]
Wha Introduce you to everybody in here.
Hey, everybody, this is Cheryl.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Is that what I think it is? - Oh.
- Mm.
Uh, okay, Pops, uh, who's this? This is Cheryl.
She an old friend of mine.
I called her on the landline.
She picked up.
One ring.
- Here we are.
- Okay.
She has aroused my Christmas spirit.
- You feel me? - Ah.
That's, uh, gross.
But, uh, glad to see that you're back.
All right.
Come on, baby.
- Let's get you a drink.
- Ooh, okay.
- Hey, babe, come here.
- What? Look at Pops over there.
Did you hire that woman for your father? - No.
- Oh.
This is a legit, old-school Christmas Day booty call.
I think Pops is gonna be okay.
She seems great.
Hey, can you try the gumbo? 'Cause the spoon is not supposed to break off when you're stirring it, right? - No.
- Okay.
- Eggnog? - What's in it? Oh, uh, heavy cream, egg yolks, sugar, and rum.
- Mmm.
So I'm drinking cake? - Yeah.
What a fantastic White idea.
[Both chuckle.]
Now, um, what holiday is this? I got a little something for you, baby.
- Oh.
- I hope you like it.
There's a picture of me inside.
So I'll always be close to your heart.
It's lovely, Earl, but jewelry? What? You're my girl.
- I am? - Mm-hmm.
We haven't seen each other in a year.
Yes, but we have something.
Look, let's get out of here.
Let's go get some ice cream or elope.
I think this is moving a little too fast.
- What? - Maybe I should go.
Wait, wait.
You're leaving me? On Christmas? I invited you into my family.
We were supposed to spend our lives together.
We were supposed to get married.
She said forever.
I guess forever don't mean what I thought it meant.
[Door opens.]
If he wants to get married, I'm available.
- [Door closes.]
- Classic holiday moment.
Want to go get a drink? - I'd love to.
- That's okay.
You didn't let me chase you long enough.
[Knock on door, door opens.]
Uh I'm sorry, Pops.
We should have canceled that whole open-house thing.
This is on me.
The open house didn't make me call Cheryl.
I just can't understand what went wrong with Lynette.
Why'd she leave me after I changed so much for the better, son? Hey, Pops, I can't answer that, man.
Sometimes you do what's right, and it still doesn't work out.
And I still feel like a damn fool.
I proposed to Lynette after just three weeks.
I put on the Santa suit.
I read a Jamaica Kincaid novel.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I really believed that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.
Pops, and that's growth.
You loved someone in a way that you should love someone.
Like you're never expecting it to end.
Yeah, but it did end.
Yeah, this one did.
Pops, you being with Lynette made you a better person.
This Pops gave me the best Christmas I've ever had.
Yeah, it was a pretty good Christmas, though, wasn't it? - [Chuckles.]
- Till I got my ass dumped.
[Inhales sharply.]
Son, how did I lose my woman to a guy named Phillip? If he ain't in Earth, Wind & Fire, makes no sense to me.
[Both laugh.]
Hey, Pops, come back to the house, man.
The kids are hanging, Bow's gumbo's almost ready.
Yeah, I-I think I'm okay.
- You sure? - Yeah, I think I'm good.
Listen, I'll probably just go and find someplace that's still serving alcohol.
- Of course you will.
- Mm.
Well, you're not missing anything.
That gumbo's probably not gonna be ready till tomorrow at the earliest anyway.
Hey, Pops.
I love you.
Love you, too, son.
Ah, it's not in the closet.
Not in here, either.
You tossed my room? Well, we asked the Magic 8-Ball if the money was in Junior's room, and it said, "You can rely on it.
" That's the best lead we have.
Help me pull this carpet up.
Is that what I think it is? Devante found the money.
It would be so easy to take it from him.
It'd be like taking candy from him.
We can't.
He found it fair and square.
But we can trade.
Devante, you want the shiny? The crinkly? So your big brother can put gas in his car? No, Devante, don't do it.
What? Yes! - What? - [Chuckles.]
Well played.
I would've done the same thing.
Me, too.
That bag is so shiny.
Silent night, holy night RUBY: So, I guess I know how you're doing.
I can't lie, I've been better.
All is bright I'm sorry to hear that, Earl.
'Round yon virgin - Thanks for coming, Ruby.
- Ah, it's nothing.
There were three heart attacks on the ship before it even left the Long Beach Harbor.
- Damn.
- You know, young people think they've got the market cornered on heartbreak, but at our age, stings like a son of a bitch, doesn't it? - I thought I was done with all that.
- Mm.
How is it possible it hurts more now? Well, when you're young, you still have your life ahead of you, but now you don't know how many more opportunities you're gonna have at love.
I'm-a need another drink.
- Hey, Earl, hey.
- Huh? It'll happen.
You're too good of a man for it not to.
Glories stream But, Earl, you do know part of you deserves this.
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Help me with this pie.
I can't eat it all.
Oh, I shouldn't.
Merry Christmas, Earl.
Merry Christmas, Ruby.
Christ the Savior is born