Black Jesus (2014) s03e06 Episode Script

The Compton Crusader

1 Hey, what's up, bitch? Get the [BLEEP.]
out of the car, bitch! - Get the [BLEEP.]
out of the car! - [SCREAMS.]
You know what time it is, bitch.
Get out the car.
WOMAN: [GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CRYING.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[HORNS BLARING.]
[BLEEP.]
! Oh, shit! Whoo! That's what I'm talking about! We got her, baby! [METAL SCRAPING.]
- The [BLEEP.]
is that, man? - What the [BLEEP.]
are you talking about? - Are you dragging something? - No, I didn't [BLEEP.]
hit anything.
[SCRAPING CONTINUES.]
- Man, I don't know.
I hear something.
- Wait, I hear that shit, too.
- What the [BLEEP.]
is that? - All right, man.
Well, just [TIRES SCREECH.]
What the hell? The hell was that? [CAR DOORS OPEN, IGNITION CHIMING.]
[SHOUTS.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[LAUGHING.]
man.
He [BLEEP.]
y'all up.
Wow! I mean, God damn.
Y-y'all look like you did 10 rounds with Adonis Creed.
And y'all didn't see nothing, huh? Man, I told y'all, it was dark.
He had a mask.
He had body armor and shit.
Man, the nigga looked like Lego Batman, all right? - Batman? - Lego Batman.
Does that make you the joker and the penguin? Huh? [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Compton Crusader.
Damn.
You know, they already had a Compton Crusader up on Hollywood Boulevard, posing with tourists like all those other bootleg-ass superheroes.
Yeah, well, people need heroes, too.
Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
They do.
DIANNE: You know, whoever this guy is has basic knowledge of tactics, surveillance.
He hasn't made any mistakes on this one.
None.
Hmm? Well, well, well.
Detective! Look like you got a little competition around here.
Finally got somebody to keep the people safe.
You wouldn't know anything about this, would you, Lloyd? I know about everything.
I keep my ear to the streets, but I need my hearing aid.
Lloyd, please.
I don't walk around with a fifth of Darby in my purse.
Can you believe this guy? [LAUGHS.]
Darby? Darby can kiss my ass.
Okay.
No Darby? W-word is Jesus performed a miracle and Lloyd can't get drunk.
Probably saved his life.
He ruined it.
That's what he did.
Darby was the only friend I had in times of trouble.
Now my only friend I got now is my boy Benjamin.
Benjamin? Yeah, the nigga that fly that kite.
[SIGHS.]
For crying out loud.
I can't I got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, no, partner.
Mnh.
Sss.
Think this'll help your hearing a little better? $5? No, no, no.
I said "Benjamin", not "Lincoln.
" that mulatto-ass son of a bitch ain't gonna get you nothin'.
- Well, if you don't want it - Ah! Ehhhh - I-I'll take it.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Y'all ready? - Hold on.
- Listen to me.
All right.
This is gonna blow the case wide-open.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
The Compton Crusader is [COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
An African-American male.
Thank you, kindly.
Have a mighty nice day.
H-hey! Hey! Many believe that the Compton Crusader is more hero than villain.
Neighborhood advocates are concerned that innocent residents may be harmed.
See, my guess is, them Compton Crusaders ain't packin' no real heat.
Why you say that? I bet he has a bunch of guns and ammo.
No, I'm not talking about that kinda heat.
I'm talking about in the bed.
I took a psych class.
[CHUCKLES.]
And it said that dudes that like to beat people up and wear costumes are just overcompensating for small genitalia and erectile issues.
Look here.
My a-and by "my", I mean I'm pretty certain my man the Compton Crusader's package is damn big and hella functional.
Right, Boonie? Nigga, how the hell should I know? I know I'd give the Crusader a chance.
I see a fine man in uniform, and my panties get so humid, it's like taking off a wet suit.
- "Wh-khh! Wh-khh!" - [CACKLES.]
NESSA: But what if his stuff is really small, though? Even the small stuff can get the job done.
All they got to do is a little flick, and from what I hear about the Compton Crusader, he can flick up in my stuff any damn time.
[LAUGHS.]
[GAGGING.]
You done? Suddenly, I'm not as hungry as I thought.
Hey.
I'll give it a flick.
[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES.]
So, Ms.
Tudi got y'all out there slanging that low budget, huh? Man, I'm so glad I still ain't out there doing that shit.
It sure feel good to kick it with the homie one more 'gin, man.
Shit feel like old times.
Look at you, man you all settled, responsible and things, you know what I'm talkin' about? Handling business, got your life on track and shit.
Well I guess it ain't like old times.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
But it's cool, anyway, though, pimp.
DIANNE: [SIGHING.]
hi.
Sorry it took so long.
Hey, Jesus! [CHUCKLES.]
- What's happenin', pimp? - Hi, baby.
- Hi, baby.
BOTH: Mwah! So, Jesus, now, I know you know who it is, don't you? Who? The Compton Crusader.
Come on.
Girl, I'm Jesus Christ.
Of course I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Baby, look, that ain't even really, like, no divine knowledge.
I mean, that's right in our face.
Everybody know who that is.
You know who the Compton Crusader is? Yeah.
Crazy-ass Ambro.
- Ambro? - Mm-hmm.
Ambro? [GASPS.]
gun-obsessed, over-testosteroned, always looking for a fight? Ambro that does security at the apartment complex? That Ambro? Oh, my God.
He does dress like Batman.
- A broke-ass Batman.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Baby, I didn't even know you was working that case.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just got assigned.
Wow! Ambro? Look, Jesus, can you handle this? Just make it go away.
Oh, for sho'! I'll go down there, hollah at him.
- It ain't nothin', girl.
I got this.
- Thank you! You got some weed? Ambro! What's happenin', pimp?! Hey! No drugs to sell today? You scarin' all the customers off with your military tactics and regimes and things and Hey, why you got to protect the neighborhood so well, Ambro? Uh-huh.
Hey, look, bruh, I know we don't really know each other that well well, I know you, 'cause I'm Jesus, but I know you don't really know me like that Look, bruh.
I don't need to know you like that, a'ight? I don't know what spell you got over everybody else, but bullshit bounces off my brain like greased ass on rubber sheets.
Look, bruh, I know the military sent you through hell and back.
They [BLEEP.]
you up, but have you ever wondered, how did you make it back and so many others didn't? God got your back.
He lookin' out for you, bruh, even if you don't know it.
And that's why I'm here to save you from yourself and all this bullshit you're creating as this Compton Crusader character.
Me the Compton Crusader? No, no, no.
That's flattering, and while I do think that that guy is great at what he does and everything, but, nah, it ain't me.
I know, bruh.
I know.
Look, man, I know you think you doin' the right thing and all, but stay in your lane, man.
This ain't your purpose.
And I sayeth there ain't no lord, so vengeance is mines.
I don't care what you sayeth.
MAN: Where it at? Where it at?! Throw this stuff up in here! - [CLATTER.]
- MAN #2: Look over there, man! Where's the drugs? Hurry up! [CLATTER CONTINUES.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
You won't believe the shit that just happened here.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- WOMAN: Oh, lord, Jesus! [THUD.]
Unh! [CAR ALARM BLARING.]
[GRUNTING.]
"Jesus," my ass.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
what up, pimp? Where you get your sunglasses at? I know exactly who you are.
MS.
EMMA: [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Come on, that ain't real.
This is real, Ms.
Emma.
I took the picture.
- I saw this happen.
- Look, I told you.
What probably happened is that boy got ahold of some weed that was laced with some PCP or some shit.
You know that shit make you feel superstrong - and you can't feel no pain.
- I don't know, man.
We know dudes who are into hard drugs, and he doesn't seem like that kind of guy.
You don't believe in Jesus, Ms.
Emma? I only believe in some money in my pocket and for something hard in bed To chew on.
- [CRUNCHES.]
mmm! - Damn, woman! Would you please stop talking about your sexual needs around people food? [CHUCKLES.]
Now, anyway, I will agree with you on this this dude is not the son of God.
But what if he's a son from another planet? You mean like an alien? Like E.
T.
? No! His fingers are too short, and they don't light up at the tip.
I'm saying this fake-ass Jesus might be Superman in disguise.
Superman? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, Ambro.
I'm gon' go with PCP.
[MUFFLED TALKING.]
Oh! Black Batman! Look out! [SCREAMS.]
Holy nick of time, Batman! I've come to save your black ass! [CAPE WHOOSHES.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CHOKING.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
Submit to the will of your lord and master.
Nooooooooo! [DOG BARKING, HORN BLARES IN DISTANCE.]
[SCATTING.]
Oh, Jesus! Ambro! Don't sneak up on an old black man like that.
What's wrong with you? Hey, I'm gonna need to disappear for a while.
What's wrong, Ambro? There are some things happening crazy things.
Like what, Ambro? Jesus.
You know he's not who he says he is, right? - Jesus isn't Jesus? - No, of course not! You don't seriously believe he's Jesus, do ya? Yeah.
Who else can he be? I'm serious, Lloyd.
I've seen him do things crazy things.
Yeah, because he Jesus.
I'm serious, man! I'm confused.
Look at this.
- Yeah, that's Jesus.
- Yeah.
Don't you see what this is? It's proof of aliens.
[LAUGHS.]
You think Jesus is an alien? - Yes! From Krypton! - [LAUGHS.]
I've heard a lot of shit in my day There's no other explanation.
Yes, it is! He's Jesus.
Ooh! Goodness.
I saw him lift a car, Lloyd.
A car! By himself! What kind of stuff is that? I'm not crazy! - So? - "So"? Someone with that kind of power is too dangerous to live.
Jesus isn't dangerous.
He's just a meddling goody-two-shoe, divine being who ruin lives 'cause he wanna heal everybody.
Everybody don't wanna be healed! Okay, but what if he decides to turn against us? What if he decides to use that power for evil? If there's even just a 1% chance of that happening, then we got to kill him! - Kill Jesus? - Yeah! You probably not the only person who's had that brilliant idea.
Your job is to keep this building secure.
I'm sorry, Lloyd.
Time to do my own thing.
Everybody know it's you, Ambro.
You got responsibilities here! Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's some sober shit for me to say that time.
"You got some responsibilities here.
" "You got responsibility here.
" [CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
I can't wait anymore, Jesus.
SAMUELS: Yeah.
This is clearly the sign of a disturbed mind.
Can't believe I got to write a report on this.
Dianne, look, I just need a little more time.
I promise I'ma get it right.
I got it.
[LAUGHS.]
"More time"? No.
The man is going to kill somebody soon, and that's going to be on me and you, huh? If you can't stop him, I'm gonna have to.
Yo lo entiende que hacer.
He's a good dude.
He just didn't get the psychological help he needed after the war.
I mean, his is the story of so many underserved veterans in this country.
You know that, Dianne! I try my best to help out, but it's like it's like he's scared of me.
Dude don't even believe I'm Jesus.
[SCOFFS.]
And who's he think you are, huh? Superman? [HISPANIC ACCENT.]
Superman.
Iperfecto! - ¿qué? - [MAN GROANS.]
Can we get a paramedic over here for this guy?! [SIGHING.]
Jesus.
Next time, bring your sister, man.
You know I always give her something extra.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[GRUFF VOICE.]
Boonie Ambro? Ambro, is that you? No.
It's not.
I don't know who you're talking about.
Man, it's obviously you.
Hey, man, don't be coming over here with that crazy.
I'm just selling my weed.
I ain't messing with nobody.
Man, don't come over here [BLEEP.]
with me.
It's not the weed, Boonie.
It's him.
- You think I'm playin'.
- [SHOTGUN COCKS.]
Look, you better get your ass away from me 'fore I shoot your crazy ass! You know the truth.
He's got to be stopped, Boonie.
Nigga, what is you talkin' about? Nigga, what the [GAGS.]
Now, if I'm right, your savior should be here right about BLACK JESUS: Ambro! Jesus! Get this crazy nigga up off me! Boonie, be quiet, man.
Ambro, I'm not an alien from outer space, man.
It's your boy! I know what [COUGHS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I know what I saw! They can call me crazy all they want, but I know what I saw! I'm not crazy! Crazy people always say that, Ambro.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Boonie, stop! Please! Ambro, Ambro, bud.
You're not crazy, dawg.
I'm Jesus Christ, the son of God.
You're no God.
You're just a negro with silky hair from Krypton! And this A little thing I invented in my laboratory, called the krypto-star.
Hey, this nigga got a laboratory? Real stars dipped in kryptonite.
Where do niggas get kryptonite from? From a website called this is real kryptonite.
Of course.
This thing is guaranteed to seal your fate.
Prepare to die, Superman! [SLO-MO WHOOSHING.]
[SLO-MO GRUNTING.]
[SHOUTS.]
Hey! [BLEEP.]
him up, Jesus! Come on, man! Give him that holy beatdown! Kick him with that hard-ass foot, Jesus! Toss his salad, Jesus! [STRAINING.]
Get your little ass off me! [SCREAMS.]
[ANGELIC SINGING.]
I knew it.
I knew it! [DEEP VOICE.]
Ambro, you are right.
I am Black Superman.
Jesus Christ is my mild-mannered alter-ego.
I mean no harm to the people of earth.
I knew it.
I knew I wasn't crazy.
So, you see, we on the same side.
We all got to have our secret identities.
I knew it.
Wow! O-okay.
Okay.
I'm just glad I'm not crazy.
No, bruh, you not crazy, but you do need some help.
You been through a whole lot, Ambro, but right now, I'm gonna need the Compton Crusader to disappear for a little while you know, 'til this thing blows over.
- You feel me? - Got it.
Yo, but when the Compton Crusader comes back, we need to team up.
We could be like the 'hood justice league, man.
We'll run this shit.
- But remember those secret identities.
- Shh! This spot is piping-hot right now, man, so we got to lay low while you go get some super-therapy.
Got it, got it lay low, super-therapy.
All right.
Then we send our message.
[LAUGHS.]
I like the way you think! [SIGHS.]
[GRUFF VOICE.]
Sorry, Boonie.
Crusader out.
Hey, so, uh, should I call you "Jesus" or "Superman"? [CHUCKLING.]
Come on, man.
Let's get back on this corner and peddle this weed 'fore your mama kick your ass.
[CHUCKLING.]