Black Jesus (2014) s03e07 Episode Script
Hair Tudi
1 [HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.]
NESSA: Look, look, look, look, look! [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Look, look! - What's this, bitch?! - They're mine, bitch! - Ah! - Ahh, my shoulder! Man, it ain't that pop damn funny, man.
Oh, man, that's my mama, and when the old girl kung-fu her ass, that shit got me [BLEEP.]
up.
[LAUGHS.]
no, Jesus is right, though.
We should not take pleasure in Ms.
Tudi's pain.
[LAUGHING.]
but that shit right there MS.
TUDI: Oh! - She Jackie Chan'd her ass! - Woo-tah! [LAUGHS.]
How you gonna put your mom on world star like that? She already 'hood infamous.
Now she 'bout to be black-famous.
[LAUGHS.]
Who the [BLEEP.]
said I wanted some nigga-riety, nigga? BLACK JESUS: Damn, Ms.
Tudi, you over there all hurt up and things.
Come here, girl.
Come catch these healing hands, huh? [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Go and take that off.
Feel good, don't it, huh? Ooh, come on, now, nigga.
Unh! [LAUGHS.]
You know this never would've happened if you wasn't caught stealing.
I didn't steal nothing, hear? I was returning a wig that I purchased.
They got this damn no-return policy, so I threw it in her face and took the one I wanted.
Hey, mama, I didn't know you still wear wig.
Oh, nigga, I just use 'em for random hook-ups and when I'm doing sexual role-play.
You know you got to pretend to be somebody else - with these niggas.
- Yeah! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Jesus, I am tired of this Korean mafia bitch, hear? They owning our community, running our shit.
They control where we buy our hair.
They control where we get our nails done.
They even control where we get our liquor.
All the things that make black women feel beautiful.
Nothing makes me feel better than a mani-pedi, fresh hair, and some darby's special reserve.
[LAUGHS.]
What about the word, though, Nessa? What about that? Look, you're right.
I just I need a new weave to get up in the club.
MS.
TUDI: Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Tudi, why don't you open up your own wig store? What, you mean like sell hair to my own people? All you got to do is slide down into the bank and apply for one of them loans that they give to women and minorities all day.
Do that, and you in like Flynn! I mean, it sound good, Jesus, but it ain't gonna Mnh-mnh, it ain't gonna work.
It ain't gonna work.
Nessa, where's Shalinka? I don't know.
Try her house, Ambro.
Roger that.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
What he want with link? He probably tryin' to [BLEEP.]
.
Oh, my bad, Jesus.
I meant, uh, fornicate.
He ain't her type anyway.
Boonie, anybody breathing is Shalinka type if she [BLEEP.]
with you.
Jesus, let's go and talk about this business minority loan.
[SIGHS.]
- Ms.
Tudi.
- What? We smoked all that kush in the car and you still sitting up here stressing? Ain't nobody gonna give me no loan to start no business.
Credit's all [BLEEP.]
up.
It's just so bad that my grandkids are in debt.
Why don't we just go before I get embarrassed up in here? Ms.
Tudi, you are really, really [BLEEP.]
up my high right now.
I'm on a good one, and you're really [BLEEP.]
my shit off with all your disbelief and doubt.
Come on, pop's got a path for you.
He wouldn't bring you to it and not bring you through it.
Have some faith.
LAVERNE: Good morning.
I was Oh, this bitch.
- Oh, hell no, bitch! - Well, what you gonna do? - No.
- Really? - No, come on, then.
- Well, we can do it again.
[BLEEP.]
Laverne! Laverne! So good seeing you.
We haven't seen you since the party - where we had such a great time.
- [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Oh, the the party.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
We did have a wonderful time, didn't we? Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
we sure did, girl.
LAVERNE: Let me check your fico score.
[TYPING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
- Mm, mm, mm.
- What? This is the lowest I've ever seen.
Well, damn.
What's the score? It's a 420.
Laverne, do your savior a solid and check that score one more again, hmm? [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[HARP PLAYING.]
- Oh, that that's odd.
- What? That says "820," not "420.
" ha, ha, ha! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! Don't thank me.
That's all pops.
Well, listen, Ms.
Tudi, I'MMA make sure that you can get your money tomorrow.
I'MMA put a rush on it [WHISPERING.]
before these white folks change the rules.
They crucify a brother.
[WHISPERING.]
that's why we got to stay woke.
We got to stay woke.
- Stay woke.
- We have to stick together.
You got some weed? - Ah! Ee! Ooh! Ah! - [BEDSPRINGS CREAKING.]
Here we go, faster.
[PANTING.]
[CREAKING INTENSIFIES.]
[HOWLING.]
Ahhh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah.
I broke you off, right? Yeah, that was great.
What you talking about, "great"? That was amazing! Best you ever had! That was splendiferous! Spell it.
That's what I thought.
Boy, you can't give me what you can't spell.
But you can do something for me.
Link, no.
I can't breathe down there.
A brother got adenoids.
I ain't talkin' about that, silly.
Sign these.
What's this? A life-insurance policy.
Oh.
How much I get when you die? Nigga, that's on your life, not mine.
I can't sign that.
Why not? All you gonna do when I die is use the money to buy some other brother a chain.
What the mother[BLEEP.]
? Boy, did you get sex-dehydrated again? This don't have nothing to do with some imaginary dude in a chain.
It's about your kids.
With this, Boonie, you'll be doing more for them dead than you do alive.
And you ain't even got to do nothing.
Nothing but die.
Absolutely.
But think about it, nigga you fat, you probably got type-9 diabetes, your mama got a short temper and a happy-ass trigger finger, so death comin' for your ass, Boon.
Sign the damn papers.
It's for the kids, right? Yes, for the kids! Damn! Jesus, you know what? That loan did not go as far as I thought it would.
With the utilities and the lease and the I barely had enough money to get decent hair.
Don't worry about nothing, Ms.
Tudi.
Look at it! It's coming together beautifully! Pop's gonna provide.
Hey, well, he need to provide security.
That Korean bitch mafia been eyeballin' us all day.
[GONG CRASHES.]
mama, I don't even know why you opened up business around them.
Oh, relax, Boonie.
There's plenty of heads in need of hair around here.
You know what? I want them to know that they ain't the only ones that can profit from our European standards of beauty.
Hell, I deserve some of that self-hatred money, too.
You know what? I think we'll love ourselves a whole lot more if artists dropped lyrics like the songs of Solomon dropped verses.
And I quote "you are altogether beautiful, my love.
There is no flaw in you.
" [SMOOCHES.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
- That is beautiful.
- Ain't it, though? But, nigga, you wearing a perm.
Ain't no way your hair naturally that color.
Man, you gonna quit disrespecting me, Boonie.
I keep telling you, man, this ain't no perm.
I just hit my shit with a flat iron.
My mom half-galilean.
What did the pimp tell the ho with two broken arms? - [BELL TINKLES.]
- what the [BLEEP.]
? Hey, don't trip, Boon.
I got this.
Koreans like talking in riddles and proverbs.
Pan Ji-Ho, what did the pimp say to the lady with two broken arms? Nothing.
He broke her arms.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHIPPING SOUND, LAUGHTER STOPS.]
Are you going to make me repeat myself about showing your face around here? Because I got another broken arm for you.
Bitch, I ain't afraid of no ass-kickin'.
But I got something for you.
- BOONIE: Ha, ha, ha! What's up, mom? - Mm-hmm.
Karate against bullets.
I like our odds.
I thought your viral humiliation might've taught you a lesson, but it looks like you're gonna have to learn the hard way unless you want to take your stuff and leave right now! Ho, ho, ho! No, ho.
I have just as much right to be here as you do.
Maybe you should leave.
Ha! My family has sold wigs in Compton since penny got burnt by that iron.
You think you can put us out of business selling this cheap, synthetic crap?! Oh, lord! - Synthetic? - What? Ms.
Tudi, you selling doll hair? It is fine, machine-engineered tresses.
Made in Taiwan? You bad for my organization, Tudi.
Don't make me split your wig.
Huh, shows how much you know.
My mom only wears wigs when she getting her freak on Boonie! Don't help.
You be out by the 1st.
That's when I make my good EBT money.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
hmm! [BELL TINKLES.]
My name in vain! It's only hair.
It's way more than that now.
I'm gonna have to step up my game.
MEN: Labor! Labor! Labor! No se, no se today, baby.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
That's what I want right there! Hey! Y'all want to make some dick-free money? Yeah? All right.
I need six.
All right, come on.
In the back.
Come on, hoes! Got to go! Got to make some money! Hey, Boon, I don't know about Ms.
Tudi and this wig-shop business.
Nigga, it was your idea.
I know, and pops green-lit it, too, but, ah, that Korean lady mafia, they ain't playin'.
NESSA: They don't play.
I remember when the beauty shop I go to tried to have their own nail booth, then all of a sudden, the nail chick got arrested for passing out bad checks.
Now what does that sound like? The bitch was passing out bad checks.
- Uh, it is a crime, Nessa.
- Is it, though? Or has that Korean bitch mafia just monopolized the crusty-ass-feet industry? I know that I'd be walking around here wearing boots every summer if it wasn't for them.
Ugh, that's gross! Don't talk about feet while I'm eating.
Hey, Boon, you ever figure out what was going on between them two? Nah, man.
Why don't you tell me? Boon, you know everything will be revealed in time.
Oh, man, I hate when you get all biblically mysterious when I want to know something.
Ain't no mystery there, Boonie.
You're about to be replaced.
Heh! I ain't about to be replaced.
Not the way I put it down, goddamn it.
[LAUGHING.]
Even though Link has been acting she's been acting a little strange lately.
What's you mean? She took out a life-insurance policy on me.
You know, Ambro used to be a mercenary back in the war.
He used to kill people for money.
Now, that shit you can tell me? That shit was a long time ago, though.
I wonder, do he still do murder-for-hire? Link did say I was better off dead than alive.
Oh, damn! My cousin finna have you killed for the insurance money.
Oh, she about to come up! [LAUGHS.]
[BELL TINKLES.]
Man! Ms.
Tudi really boffed up one time.
There's more wigs and weaves in here than the NBA all-star weekend.
Yep, it's gonna be a lot of nappy-headed babies born - behind all this deceitfulness.
- [LAUGHS.]
Boon, you need to go come to terms with your lamb's wool.
God made it beautiful, too, boy.
MS.
TUDI: You stealing from me? WOMAN: Oh! Ow! Oh! - Huh? - Ow, I'm sorry, Ms.
Tudi.
- No, it grows like that, I swear! - Oh, it grows like that.
- It always has! - It grows like that, bitch? You think I'm stupid? This is Peruvian hair.
It don't match your bush! I knew I should've never hired a ho that don't wax.
Listen up! I want all you hoes to wax, you hear me? Front to back, and I mean I want that shit clean as a bowling alley! Ahh! - Gimme that.
- Ugh! Ow! What in pop's name is going on here? - [SCISSORS SNIP.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Get on back to work! Listen, you saw ho here threatening me.
She wanted me to shut down.
She gonna call out my product.
But you know what? I ain't going down like that.
Oh, no, no, no.
So you know what I did? I called my underground connection, and that's why we got this beautiful shipment of hair.
- Ha! - Not those nefarious hair smugglers.
Do you even know where they get their hair from? [SWORD SLASHES.]
[CLIPPERS BUZZING.]
[CAT SCREECHES.]
[CLIPPERS BUZZING.]
[CAT MEOWS.]
Jesus, listen, I know you mad.
I know, I know.
But you saw that bitch.
And I'm not gonna let the KBM just what, run me up out of here? So if I have to resort to my old ways, then so be it.
So what you saying is they forced your hand? [TIMIDLY.]
mm-hmm, yeah.
And, uh, that maybe if you knew how they were over there doing so well, then you could compete fairly? That's right.
Yep.
- You know what I'm gonna do, right? - Oh, lord.
I'm gonna go over there and peep out their whole operation and report it back to you.
You mean spy? Nigga, instead of spying on these titties, why don't you do some spying for me? [CLATTERING.]
Damn, Boon, this hair ain't cheap.
If Ms.
Tudi come in right under market value, she might stand a chance.
Hey, it's not like that, man.
Like, Link, she real particular where she buy hair.
She been shopping at the same spot ever since she gave up that jheri curl.
I know.
It'll be hard to lure folks away, but I'll figure something out.
Hey, you feel like we being watched? Nah, we cool.
Ha! I caught you! What are you doing? Nothing! You got anything for razor bumps? Oh, you spying.
Do not deny it! Not exactly true, Pan Ji-Ho.
Come on, now.
- Ah, liar.
- [GASPS.]
Yo, don't disrespect the son of God like that! Ah, enough of this nonsense! [BLEEP.]
! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
ahh! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
come on, Pan Ji-Ho! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
No, play time is over.
You tell this Tudi woman she want to stay in business, she'll hand over 60% of her daily profit.
[LAUGHING.]
- ain't no way mama going for that.
Then she'll lose something a lot more valuable than money.
[UNDER BREATH.]
what's this crazy bitch talkin' 'bout? [BELL TINKLES.]
Pan Ji-Ho kidnapped Boonie! That Korean bitch mafia is ruthless! Kidnapping my son now, that's some foul shit.
Can't believe this.
Don't worry, Ms.
Tudi.
We'll figure out a way to get Boonie back.
It's not that I want him back.
It just that I don't want that bitch to have him.
Well, maybe we should call the police.
Jesus, this is Compton, baby.
By the time the police get here, he'll be older than you.
Maybe you can take the loan and pay them a ransom.
Jesus, I keep telling you most of the $500,000 is gone.
And if I had the money, what, are we talking about paying for this mother[BLEEP.]
by the pound? Well, I guess we know what time it is.
Bring it in, ladies.
[CLAPS.]
Let's pray.
Y'all smell fish? [SNIFFING.]
MS.
TUDI: Well, it ain't me.
Mm! [PAPER CRINKLING.]
[BELL TINKLES.]
What the hell is so important you couldn't text me, Nessa? Girl, you can take that hit off Boonie, 'cause that Korean bitch mafia's about to kill his ass and you can collect all that insurance money.
Girl, you on that shit again? No, what I told you that only happened one time.
I did some mess back in junior college spring break I wasn't proud of, but you ain't got to keep throwing it in my face, Link.
Shit gets crazy down in long beach, period.
Okay, fine.
But what hit are you talking about, Nessa? And how did you know about the life-insurance policy? Boonie told us when we saw you paying Ambro to kill him.
Why black people always assuming things? Nessa, the policy is a back-up plan, but it can't get my kids a new daddy.
And who the [BLEEP.]
want to break in a new baby daddy anyway? Okay, my bad.
I knew you and Ambro were just screwin' anyway.
I ain't having sex with that crazy-ass nigga.
I'd buy a million dildos 'fore that shit happen.
But trip, I need you to focus.
Okay.
Is Boonie really in danger? [BLEEP.]
yeah.
Them Koreans got him down at their shop where you be gettin' your weave at, and they gonna kill him.
[BLEEP.]
I'm gonna miss "chopped" again on a [BLEEP.]
Boonie mission.
Are you sure you want to do this? 'Cause, I mean, you can get one of them new 3-D TVs with that insurance money.
I'm sure the kids would love that better than a daddy.
I remember when our microwave raised us.
[GUN COCKS.]
Shut the [BLEEP.]
up and watch the kids until I get back.
Ambro, I need you.
Mm.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[MOUTH FULL.]
I knew they were [BLEEP.]
.
Ho, untie me! I got to use the bathroom.
So go.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[GRENADE PIN CLATTERS.]
[EXPLOSION.]
[SCREAMING.]
Let's go! Move, move, move, move, move! [GUN COCKS.]
coming, Boon! Boonie, hold still! Keep moving.
This is some serious stuff going on.
No! Hey, don't touch me.
Link, I know you hired Ambro to kill me so you could make it look like the Koreans did it so you could collect on that insurance policy.
Boonie, you watch too much damn TV.
Yeah, nigga, I'm the one that sold her the policy.
- What? - Yeah, I know, right? The irony of a hired killer to sell life insurance.
Nigga, I got bills, too.
Ladies, can we discuss this later? We ain't got time for all this foolishness.
And let me tell you Korean bitches one thing I will burn this mother[BLEEP.]
to the ground if you keep [BLEEP.]
with me and mine! And I know you remember how long it took y'all ass to get back from them damn riots.
Black-owned my ass.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
this is like a bad blaxploitation flick.
Go, and take fat boy with you.
I'm gonna let this natural-hair revolution take out his mama! Hey, we still got crusty-feet and hard-liquor profits.
Ha! Shut your barbecue-eatin' ass up.
Come on, y'all.
[SNIFFS.]
did you pee on yourself? [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, you got that galilean thing going on.
Ms.
Tudi, look! What is that? - What, what? - You see that? [CROWD CHATTERING.]
Girl, you are beautifying and unifying - the neighborhood through hair.
- [LAUGHING.]
Look, look at all those different kind of people.
Yes, lord, 'cause you know God don't like ugly [BELL TINKLES.]
But somebody sure do.
[HORNS HONKING.]
oh, now? Stop acting like that.
You know Shalinka saved your son from them Korean ladies.
You should be thankful.
- Who said I was talking about Shalinka? - [LAUGHING.]
And them Korean ladies was gonna put Boonie's ass out anyway.
Everybody does eventually.
- Hey, mama.
- Hey! Looks like business is booming, goddamn it.
We gonna be rich! What? Whoa! "we" gonna be rich? Nigga, you see your name on the sign anywhere out there? [LAUGHING.]
unh-unh.
What you need to do is open your own damn business, or find a job! A paper route, Boonie! Recycle some cans, make some money.
Or try to win some money on the radio.
Something, mother[BLEEP.]
, please! 'Cause, nigga, you ain't shit.
Not worth a dime.
This is like "the color purple" up in here with y'all.
- Ms.
Tudi.
- Mm-hmm? I think one of them yoga bitches over there - tryin' to steal from you.
- Oh, hell no! Watch out.
Ms.
Tudi, no, don't do that! Excuse me.
Ahem! Can I help you? - No, I'm just looking around.
- You're just looking around? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? Bitch, you stealin' from me.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah? My God? Bitch, where do you think you going?! [SCREAMING AND SCUFFLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
And the student has become the master.
[LAUGHTER.]
NESSA: Look, look, look, look, look! [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Look, look! - What's this, bitch?! - They're mine, bitch! - Ah! - Ahh, my shoulder! Man, it ain't that pop damn funny, man.
Oh, man, that's my mama, and when the old girl kung-fu her ass, that shit got me [BLEEP.]
up.
[LAUGHS.]
no, Jesus is right, though.
We should not take pleasure in Ms.
Tudi's pain.
[LAUGHING.]
but that shit right there MS.
TUDI: Oh! - She Jackie Chan'd her ass! - Woo-tah! [LAUGHS.]
How you gonna put your mom on world star like that? She already 'hood infamous.
Now she 'bout to be black-famous.
[LAUGHS.]
Who the [BLEEP.]
said I wanted some nigga-riety, nigga? BLACK JESUS: Damn, Ms.
Tudi, you over there all hurt up and things.
Come here, girl.
Come catch these healing hands, huh? [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Go and take that off.
Feel good, don't it, huh? Ooh, come on, now, nigga.
Unh! [LAUGHS.]
You know this never would've happened if you wasn't caught stealing.
I didn't steal nothing, hear? I was returning a wig that I purchased.
They got this damn no-return policy, so I threw it in her face and took the one I wanted.
Hey, mama, I didn't know you still wear wig.
Oh, nigga, I just use 'em for random hook-ups and when I'm doing sexual role-play.
You know you got to pretend to be somebody else - with these niggas.
- Yeah! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Jesus, I am tired of this Korean mafia bitch, hear? They owning our community, running our shit.
They control where we buy our hair.
They control where we get our nails done.
They even control where we get our liquor.
All the things that make black women feel beautiful.
Nothing makes me feel better than a mani-pedi, fresh hair, and some darby's special reserve.
[LAUGHS.]
What about the word, though, Nessa? What about that? Look, you're right.
I just I need a new weave to get up in the club.
MS.
TUDI: Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Tudi, why don't you open up your own wig store? What, you mean like sell hair to my own people? All you got to do is slide down into the bank and apply for one of them loans that they give to women and minorities all day.
Do that, and you in like Flynn! I mean, it sound good, Jesus, but it ain't gonna Mnh-mnh, it ain't gonna work.
It ain't gonna work.
Nessa, where's Shalinka? I don't know.
Try her house, Ambro.
Roger that.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
What he want with link? He probably tryin' to [BLEEP.]
.
Oh, my bad, Jesus.
I meant, uh, fornicate.
He ain't her type anyway.
Boonie, anybody breathing is Shalinka type if she [BLEEP.]
with you.
Jesus, let's go and talk about this business minority loan.
[SIGHS.]
- Ms.
Tudi.
- What? We smoked all that kush in the car and you still sitting up here stressing? Ain't nobody gonna give me no loan to start no business.
Credit's all [BLEEP.]
up.
It's just so bad that my grandkids are in debt.
Why don't we just go before I get embarrassed up in here? Ms.
Tudi, you are really, really [BLEEP.]
up my high right now.
I'm on a good one, and you're really [BLEEP.]
my shit off with all your disbelief and doubt.
Come on, pop's got a path for you.
He wouldn't bring you to it and not bring you through it.
Have some faith.
LAVERNE: Good morning.
I was Oh, this bitch.
- Oh, hell no, bitch! - Well, what you gonna do? - No.
- Really? - No, come on, then.
- Well, we can do it again.
[BLEEP.]
Laverne! Laverne! So good seeing you.
We haven't seen you since the party - where we had such a great time.
- [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Oh, the the party.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
We did have a wonderful time, didn't we? Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
we sure did, girl.
LAVERNE: Let me check your fico score.
[TYPING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPING.]
- Mm, mm, mm.
- What? This is the lowest I've ever seen.
Well, damn.
What's the score? It's a 420.
Laverne, do your savior a solid and check that score one more again, hmm? [CELESTIAL TINKLING.]
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[HARP PLAYING.]
- Oh, that that's odd.
- What? That says "820," not "420.
" ha, ha, ha! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! Don't thank me.
That's all pops.
Well, listen, Ms.
Tudi, I'MMA make sure that you can get your money tomorrow.
I'MMA put a rush on it [WHISPERING.]
before these white folks change the rules.
They crucify a brother.
[WHISPERING.]
that's why we got to stay woke.
We got to stay woke.
- Stay woke.
- We have to stick together.
You got some weed? - Ah! Ee! Ooh! Ah! - [BEDSPRINGS CREAKING.]
Here we go, faster.
[PANTING.]
[CREAKING INTENSIFIES.]
[HOWLING.]
Ahhh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah.
I broke you off, right? Yeah, that was great.
What you talking about, "great"? That was amazing! Best you ever had! That was splendiferous! Spell it.
That's what I thought.
Boy, you can't give me what you can't spell.
But you can do something for me.
Link, no.
I can't breathe down there.
A brother got adenoids.
I ain't talkin' about that, silly.
Sign these.
What's this? A life-insurance policy.
Oh.
How much I get when you die? Nigga, that's on your life, not mine.
I can't sign that.
Why not? All you gonna do when I die is use the money to buy some other brother a chain.
What the mother[BLEEP.]
? Boy, did you get sex-dehydrated again? This don't have nothing to do with some imaginary dude in a chain.
It's about your kids.
With this, Boonie, you'll be doing more for them dead than you do alive.
And you ain't even got to do nothing.
Nothing but die.
Absolutely.
But think about it, nigga you fat, you probably got type-9 diabetes, your mama got a short temper and a happy-ass trigger finger, so death comin' for your ass, Boon.
Sign the damn papers.
It's for the kids, right? Yes, for the kids! Damn! Jesus, you know what? That loan did not go as far as I thought it would.
With the utilities and the lease and the I barely had enough money to get decent hair.
Don't worry about nothing, Ms.
Tudi.
Look at it! It's coming together beautifully! Pop's gonna provide.
Hey, well, he need to provide security.
That Korean bitch mafia been eyeballin' us all day.
[GONG CRASHES.]
mama, I don't even know why you opened up business around them.
Oh, relax, Boonie.
There's plenty of heads in need of hair around here.
You know what? I want them to know that they ain't the only ones that can profit from our European standards of beauty.
Hell, I deserve some of that self-hatred money, too.
You know what? I think we'll love ourselves a whole lot more if artists dropped lyrics like the songs of Solomon dropped verses.
And I quote "you are altogether beautiful, my love.
There is no flaw in you.
" [SMOOCHES.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
- That is beautiful.
- Ain't it, though? But, nigga, you wearing a perm.
Ain't no way your hair naturally that color.
Man, you gonna quit disrespecting me, Boonie.
I keep telling you, man, this ain't no perm.
I just hit my shit with a flat iron.
My mom half-galilean.
What did the pimp tell the ho with two broken arms? - [BELL TINKLES.]
- what the [BLEEP.]
? Hey, don't trip, Boon.
I got this.
Koreans like talking in riddles and proverbs.
Pan Ji-Ho, what did the pimp say to the lady with two broken arms? Nothing.
He broke her arms.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHIPPING SOUND, LAUGHTER STOPS.]
Are you going to make me repeat myself about showing your face around here? Because I got another broken arm for you.
Bitch, I ain't afraid of no ass-kickin'.
But I got something for you.
- BOONIE: Ha, ha, ha! What's up, mom? - Mm-hmm.
Karate against bullets.
I like our odds.
I thought your viral humiliation might've taught you a lesson, but it looks like you're gonna have to learn the hard way unless you want to take your stuff and leave right now! Ho, ho, ho! No, ho.
I have just as much right to be here as you do.
Maybe you should leave.
Ha! My family has sold wigs in Compton since penny got burnt by that iron.
You think you can put us out of business selling this cheap, synthetic crap?! Oh, lord! - Synthetic? - What? Ms.
Tudi, you selling doll hair? It is fine, machine-engineered tresses.
Made in Taiwan? You bad for my organization, Tudi.
Don't make me split your wig.
Huh, shows how much you know.
My mom only wears wigs when she getting her freak on Boonie! Don't help.
You be out by the 1st.
That's when I make my good EBT money.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
hmm! [BELL TINKLES.]
My name in vain! It's only hair.
It's way more than that now.
I'm gonna have to step up my game.
MEN: Labor! Labor! Labor! No se, no se today, baby.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
That's what I want right there! Hey! Y'all want to make some dick-free money? Yeah? All right.
I need six.
All right, come on.
In the back.
Come on, hoes! Got to go! Got to make some money! Hey, Boon, I don't know about Ms.
Tudi and this wig-shop business.
Nigga, it was your idea.
I know, and pops green-lit it, too, but, ah, that Korean lady mafia, they ain't playin'.
NESSA: They don't play.
I remember when the beauty shop I go to tried to have their own nail booth, then all of a sudden, the nail chick got arrested for passing out bad checks.
Now what does that sound like? The bitch was passing out bad checks.
- Uh, it is a crime, Nessa.
- Is it, though? Or has that Korean bitch mafia just monopolized the crusty-ass-feet industry? I know that I'd be walking around here wearing boots every summer if it wasn't for them.
Ugh, that's gross! Don't talk about feet while I'm eating.
Hey, Boon, you ever figure out what was going on between them two? Nah, man.
Why don't you tell me? Boon, you know everything will be revealed in time.
Oh, man, I hate when you get all biblically mysterious when I want to know something.
Ain't no mystery there, Boonie.
You're about to be replaced.
Heh! I ain't about to be replaced.
Not the way I put it down, goddamn it.
[LAUGHING.]
Even though Link has been acting she's been acting a little strange lately.
What's you mean? She took out a life-insurance policy on me.
You know, Ambro used to be a mercenary back in the war.
He used to kill people for money.
Now, that shit you can tell me? That shit was a long time ago, though.
I wonder, do he still do murder-for-hire? Link did say I was better off dead than alive.
Oh, damn! My cousin finna have you killed for the insurance money.
Oh, she about to come up! [LAUGHS.]
[BELL TINKLES.]
Man! Ms.
Tudi really boffed up one time.
There's more wigs and weaves in here than the NBA all-star weekend.
Yep, it's gonna be a lot of nappy-headed babies born - behind all this deceitfulness.
- [LAUGHS.]
Boon, you need to go come to terms with your lamb's wool.
God made it beautiful, too, boy.
MS.
TUDI: You stealing from me? WOMAN: Oh! Ow! Oh! - Huh? - Ow, I'm sorry, Ms.
Tudi.
- No, it grows like that, I swear! - Oh, it grows like that.
- It always has! - It grows like that, bitch? You think I'm stupid? This is Peruvian hair.
It don't match your bush! I knew I should've never hired a ho that don't wax.
Listen up! I want all you hoes to wax, you hear me? Front to back, and I mean I want that shit clean as a bowling alley! Ahh! - Gimme that.
- Ugh! Ow! What in pop's name is going on here? - [SCISSORS SNIP.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Get on back to work! Listen, you saw ho here threatening me.
She wanted me to shut down.
She gonna call out my product.
But you know what? I ain't going down like that.
Oh, no, no, no.
So you know what I did? I called my underground connection, and that's why we got this beautiful shipment of hair.
- Ha! - Not those nefarious hair smugglers.
Do you even know where they get their hair from? [SWORD SLASHES.]
[CLIPPERS BUZZING.]
[CAT SCREECHES.]
[CLIPPERS BUZZING.]
[CAT MEOWS.]
Jesus, listen, I know you mad.
I know, I know.
But you saw that bitch.
And I'm not gonna let the KBM just what, run me up out of here? So if I have to resort to my old ways, then so be it.
So what you saying is they forced your hand? [TIMIDLY.]
mm-hmm, yeah.
And, uh, that maybe if you knew how they were over there doing so well, then you could compete fairly? That's right.
Yep.
- You know what I'm gonna do, right? - Oh, lord.
I'm gonna go over there and peep out their whole operation and report it back to you.
You mean spy? Nigga, instead of spying on these titties, why don't you do some spying for me? [CLATTERING.]
Damn, Boon, this hair ain't cheap.
If Ms.
Tudi come in right under market value, she might stand a chance.
Hey, it's not like that, man.
Like, Link, she real particular where she buy hair.
She been shopping at the same spot ever since she gave up that jheri curl.
I know.
It'll be hard to lure folks away, but I'll figure something out.
Hey, you feel like we being watched? Nah, we cool.
Ha! I caught you! What are you doing? Nothing! You got anything for razor bumps? Oh, you spying.
Do not deny it! Not exactly true, Pan Ji-Ho.
Come on, now.
- Ah, liar.
- [GASPS.]
Yo, don't disrespect the son of God like that! Ah, enough of this nonsense! [BLEEP.]
! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
ahh! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
come on, Pan Ji-Ho! [SPEAKING KOREAN.]
No, play time is over.
You tell this Tudi woman she want to stay in business, she'll hand over 60% of her daily profit.
[LAUGHING.]
- ain't no way mama going for that.
Then she'll lose something a lot more valuable than money.
[UNDER BREATH.]
what's this crazy bitch talkin' 'bout? [BELL TINKLES.]
Pan Ji-Ho kidnapped Boonie! That Korean bitch mafia is ruthless! Kidnapping my son now, that's some foul shit.
Can't believe this.
Don't worry, Ms.
Tudi.
We'll figure out a way to get Boonie back.
It's not that I want him back.
It just that I don't want that bitch to have him.
Well, maybe we should call the police.
Jesus, this is Compton, baby.
By the time the police get here, he'll be older than you.
Maybe you can take the loan and pay them a ransom.
Jesus, I keep telling you most of the $500,000 is gone.
And if I had the money, what, are we talking about paying for this mother[BLEEP.]
by the pound? Well, I guess we know what time it is.
Bring it in, ladies.
[CLAPS.]
Let's pray.
Y'all smell fish? [SNIFFING.]
MS.
TUDI: Well, it ain't me.
Mm! [PAPER CRINKLING.]
[BELL TINKLES.]
What the hell is so important you couldn't text me, Nessa? Girl, you can take that hit off Boonie, 'cause that Korean bitch mafia's about to kill his ass and you can collect all that insurance money.
Girl, you on that shit again? No, what I told you that only happened one time.
I did some mess back in junior college spring break I wasn't proud of, but you ain't got to keep throwing it in my face, Link.
Shit gets crazy down in long beach, period.
Okay, fine.
But what hit are you talking about, Nessa? And how did you know about the life-insurance policy? Boonie told us when we saw you paying Ambro to kill him.
Why black people always assuming things? Nessa, the policy is a back-up plan, but it can't get my kids a new daddy.
And who the [BLEEP.]
want to break in a new baby daddy anyway? Okay, my bad.
I knew you and Ambro were just screwin' anyway.
I ain't having sex with that crazy-ass nigga.
I'd buy a million dildos 'fore that shit happen.
But trip, I need you to focus.
Okay.
Is Boonie really in danger? [BLEEP.]
yeah.
Them Koreans got him down at their shop where you be gettin' your weave at, and they gonna kill him.
[BLEEP.]
I'm gonna miss "chopped" again on a [BLEEP.]
Boonie mission.
Are you sure you want to do this? 'Cause, I mean, you can get one of them new 3-D TVs with that insurance money.
I'm sure the kids would love that better than a daddy.
I remember when our microwave raised us.
[GUN COCKS.]
Shut the [BLEEP.]
up and watch the kids until I get back.
Ambro, I need you.
Mm.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[MOUTH FULL.]
I knew they were [BLEEP.]
.
Ho, untie me! I got to use the bathroom.
So go.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[GRENADE PIN CLATTERS.]
[EXPLOSION.]
[SCREAMING.]
Let's go! Move, move, move, move, move! [GUN COCKS.]
coming, Boon! Boonie, hold still! Keep moving.
This is some serious stuff going on.
No! Hey, don't touch me.
Link, I know you hired Ambro to kill me so you could make it look like the Koreans did it so you could collect on that insurance policy.
Boonie, you watch too much damn TV.
Yeah, nigga, I'm the one that sold her the policy.
- What? - Yeah, I know, right? The irony of a hired killer to sell life insurance.
Nigga, I got bills, too.
Ladies, can we discuss this later? We ain't got time for all this foolishness.
And let me tell you Korean bitches one thing I will burn this mother[BLEEP.]
to the ground if you keep [BLEEP.]
with me and mine! And I know you remember how long it took y'all ass to get back from them damn riots.
Black-owned my ass.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
this is like a bad blaxploitation flick.
Go, and take fat boy with you.
I'm gonna let this natural-hair revolution take out his mama! Hey, we still got crusty-feet and hard-liquor profits.
Ha! Shut your barbecue-eatin' ass up.
Come on, y'all.
[SNIFFS.]
did you pee on yourself? [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, you got that galilean thing going on.
Ms.
Tudi, look! What is that? - What, what? - You see that? [CROWD CHATTERING.]
Girl, you are beautifying and unifying - the neighborhood through hair.
- [LAUGHING.]
Look, look at all those different kind of people.
Yes, lord, 'cause you know God don't like ugly [BELL TINKLES.]
But somebody sure do.
[HORNS HONKING.]
oh, now? Stop acting like that.
You know Shalinka saved your son from them Korean ladies.
You should be thankful.
- Who said I was talking about Shalinka? - [LAUGHING.]
And them Korean ladies was gonna put Boonie's ass out anyway.
Everybody does eventually.
- Hey, mama.
- Hey! Looks like business is booming, goddamn it.
We gonna be rich! What? Whoa! "we" gonna be rich? Nigga, you see your name on the sign anywhere out there? [LAUGHING.]
unh-unh.
What you need to do is open your own damn business, or find a job! A paper route, Boonie! Recycle some cans, make some money.
Or try to win some money on the radio.
Something, mother[BLEEP.]
, please! 'Cause, nigga, you ain't shit.
Not worth a dime.
This is like "the color purple" up in here with y'all.
- Ms.
Tudi.
- Mm-hmm? I think one of them yoga bitches over there - tryin' to steal from you.
- Oh, hell no! Watch out.
Ms.
Tudi, no, don't do that! Excuse me.
Ahem! Can I help you? - No, I'm just looking around.
- You're just looking around? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? Bitch, you stealin' from me.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah? My God? Bitch, where do you think you going?! [SCREAMING AND SCUFFLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
And the student has become the master.
[LAUGHTER.]