Black Mirror (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Be Right Back

1 I feel you touch me in the pouring rain You're such a dick.
This programme contains strong language.
(NEWSREADER) 'Georgian rebels claimed responsibility for the Narwhal virus 'that brought Russia's financial infrastructure to near collapse.
'Successful testing of intelligent synthetic flesh 'aimed at getting multiple amputees back on their feet 'is hailed as a major breakthrough.
' Hon? 'Elsewhere' Ash.
Ash! Can you take those? I snotted in yours, is that OK? Yeah.
What? Palms - burning palms.
Shit! Sorry.
Glove box.
# I don't want nobody, baby # If I can't have you # Oh oh oh, oh! # If I can't have you I don't want nobody, baby # If I can't have you, oh oh oh, oh! # BEE GEES: Stayin' Alive Oh, no, you don't, I draw the line at disco.
What were we just listening to? No, the Bee Gees wrote that, everybody likes the Bee Gees.
You don't.
I do.
Ten years, you haven't played them once.
Have you heard of headphones? Come on then, what's your favourite Bee Gees track? How Deep Is Your Love.
You do not like How Deep Is Your Love! It's perfectly natural, there's nothing wrong with it.
It's not very you.
# I know your eyes in the morning sun I feel you touch me in the pouring rain You're such a dick.
And the moment that you wander far from me, I wanna feel you I will crash this van.
I will.
I will crash this van on purpose! Glove box.
Soup all right? Yeah, great.
Tomato or roasted tomato? The second one.
There's only one bowl, do you mind having yours out of a shoe? Mm-hm.
What was that for? Just checking you're still solid.
You keep vanishing.
Down there.
It's a thief, that thing.
What are you doing? Just sharing that.
I thought people might find it funny.
It's not funny.
It's sweet.
Trust me, that day wasn't sweet.
We'd gone to a safari park.
First family outing after Jack died.
There was monkeys all over the car and no-one saying anything.
Mum drove home, that was a first.
When I came down the next morning, all Jack's photos were gone from that wall.
She put them in the attic.
That's how she dealt with stuff.
And then when Dad died, up went his photos.
She just left this one here.
Her only boy, giving her a fake smile.
She didn't know it was fake.
Maybe that makes it worse.
Oh Oh, shit Oh, shit Sorry.
It's OK.
Do you want me to? No, it's all right.
I don't mind.
I am knackered thoughso Don't worry.
Sure? I'm sure.
I love you.
Love you too.
Hey, get dressed.
Van's got to be back by two or they'll do us for an extra day.
Job's just come in.
Needs to be done by the end of play today.
All right.
It is a full page.
No, no, it's fine.
I'll drive all the way there alone .
pick the car up alone drive all the way back alone I have to make my own lunch Oh, stop it, you're breaking my heart.
'Hi, this is Ash.
I'm too busy or lazy to answer, 'so leave your message.
' 'Do you have a customer reference number?' I don't, no.
I was just 'What name is it in?' Um Starmer.
Ash Starmer.
'OK, just a moment.
' 'It's not been returned yet, no, 'and it's meant to be back by two, so' They're closed now, no point calling back, and his just goes straight to messages.
Those batteries are a joke.
He'll be on his way.
He's probably just I'm just scared something's happened to him.
Nothing's happened.
But something could've happened.
Look, sweetheart, nothing's happened, you're just working yourself up, imagining the worst possible thing, and it's just, he's probably stuck somewhere with no reception.
It's not real, is it? At Mark's wake, I sat there thinking it's not real.
The people didn't look real, their voices weren't real.
It's like you're out on a spacewalk and no-one can Sarah.
I can sign you up to something that helps.
It helped me.
It will let you speak to him.
I know he's dead, but it wouldn't work if he wasn't.
And don't worry, it's not some crazy spiritual thing.
He was a heavy user, he'd be perfect Please shut up.
I mean, it's still in beta, but I've got an invite Please shut up.
You won't have to do anything, I'll just sign you up SHUT UP! Hey, are you all right? I'm sorry.
DOOR CLOSES (RETCHES) (WHIMPERS) NEW MAIL ALER I don't care what it is, I don't want it! It's obscene to use his name.
His name, for God's sake! It hurts, you know it hurts.
Which is why I signed you up.
What is it? W-What is it? You click the link and you talk to it.
You talk to it? You type messages in, like an e-mail, and then it talks back to you, just like he would.
He's dead.
It's software.
It mimics him.
You give it someone's name.
It goes back and reads through all the things they've ever said online, their Facebook updates, their Tweets, anything public.
I just gave it Ash's name.
The system did the rest.
It's so clever.
It's sick! Just say hello to it.
If you like it, you then give it access to his private emails.
The more it has, the more it's him.
It won't be No, it's not, but it helps.
Uh, I really need to speak to you.
Um, can you please call me as soon as you get this? PHONE RINGS Hi! I'm so sorry.
I just got your message.
What's wrong? what happened? 'Mar?' Mar, are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine, I just, I just I had a bad one earlier.
D'you want me to come and visit? I'm going to come and visit.
'No, it's OK, really, I'm' Mar, you're upset.
I'm going to come and see you.
No, don't.
I'm OK.
I promise you I'm OK.
'I've got to go, I've got a deadline.
' Are you sure? It's a tight deadline, got to be in by dawn, soI'd better go.
Well, if you have Bye, Nay.
HIGH-SPEED BABBLING Hello, I've locked myself out of the house again.
WOLF WHISTLE (LAUGHS) Wait, where are you going? Hello.
I'm no good at birthday presents.
I love you PHONE RINGS (Hello?) 'So' (GASPS) '.
how am I sounding?' 'Hello?' Hello! You sound just like him.
'Almost creepy isn't it? 'I say creepy, 'I mean, it's totally batshit crazy I can even talk to you.
'I mean, I don't even have a mouth.
' That'sthat's just 'Just what?' That's just the sort of thing that he would say.
'Well, that's why I said it.
' I think I'm going mad.
'I won't tell anyone if you don't.
' 'You're not crying, are you?' (SNIFFLES) Sorry.
You always said that I looked weird when I cried.
'Did I? I sound like a right sick fuck.
' (LAUGHS) Yeah, you were.
You were.
'But in a good way?' Yeah.
In a good way.
So I went in, after all your persuasion, and then like straightaway I got a spine of a sea anemone or something stuck in my foot, and you threw a jeb thinking it was poisonous.
'What's "threw a jeb"?' Oh, it's um, it's a phrase we had, like throwing a fit.
'Oh, OK, so I "threw a jeb".
' Yeah, and you were looking in a guidebook, trying to figure out if there were any poisonous sea creatures in Greece, when this local guy comes over and says, (FRENCH ACCENT) "My wife knows what to do, "come back to my house.
" Although he wasn't French, obviously.
I used to hate walking in the country.
'You must be getting old.
' Oi.
(LAUGHS) I remember you brought me up here when we first met your mum.
We'd been at hers all weekend and you could tell I needed some headspace.
You were good like that.
'You speak about me like I'm not here.
' Sorry.
'It's all right.
I mean, I'm not, really.
' Mm.
'Show me what it looks like there.
' How? 'Use the camera on your phone.
' You weren't ever really impressed with views.
When we went to the Grand Canyon, you said it was just a big gap.
'I Tweeted that, too.
' Yeah, I remember the roaming charges.
You were overly proud of that definition.
'I was just speaking my mind.
' Yeah, well shut up and cop a load of this.
Mainly just green, isn't it?' You told me this was a famous lover's leap.
Doomed couples jumping to their deaths in Victorian times.
I think you just wanted me to cling to you.
'Actually everyone who's ever jumped from here did it alone.
' Did you just look that up? 'Sort of.
Shouldn't I have?' It's a bit weird.
I'll only do it again if you ask.
' No, no.
No, it's fine.
PHONE RINGS Oh, wait, hang on.
'Shall I go?' No, no, no.
I'll call them back later.
I'm going to go and see if I can make friends with these cows.
HEART BEATING Just going to record it.
There you go.
It's OK.
Wait, hang on, here it is again.
HEART BEATING 'It's so fast, isn't it?' I know.
I know, it's like the speed you'd expect a bee's heart to go at or something.
Wait, hang on.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit.
Ash? Hello? Ash? Ash? Hello? Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
PHONE RINGS I'm sorry! (SOBS) 'What happened?' I dropped you.
I'm sorry.
It was just It was I'm sorry 'Hey, it's all right, I'm fine.
I'm not in that thing, you know, 'I'm remote, I'm in the cloud.
'You don't have to worry about breaking me.
' It was just, it was stupid, because I was so excited about the scan.
'Yeah, I kept the sound of that.
Here, listen.
' HEART BEATING 'You were probably matching that heartbeat, throwing a jeb like that.
'It's all fine.
Calm down.
'I'm not going anywhere.
' You're very fragile.
I was going to talk to you about that, actually.
' What do you mean? 'There's another level to this available, so to speak.
'Kind of experimental, and I won't lie, it's not cheap' What is it? 'Are you sitting down? This might sound a bit creepy.
' Morning.
What's this, a block of gold? I wish.
Where's it going, upstairs? Yeah, please.
Put your thumb on there.
Oh, when you get it up there, you have to lie it on its back.
Thank you.
Say something.
Yeah, well.
Never was much of a looker, was I? It doesn't look like you.
Not yet.
It's blank till you activate it.
Get the bath ready.
Mar? Get the bath ready.
What is this? Hang on, I'll find out.
It's nutrient gel.
Stops the synthetic muscle drying out in transit.
Smells almost like marshmallow.
You can eat it if you like.
It's non-toxic.
I'll give that a miss, thanks.
Don't forget the electrolytes.
OK, right - the whole lot? Mm-hm, the whole lot.
It's like fish food.
He likes the taste of it.
Better leave him to it.
I have to go in a minute.
Oh, don't leave me here with it! Sorry.
Look, you can hear - it's starting already.
(AUDIO BREAKS UP) Don't switch the bathroom light on.
Don't what? Don't switch the bathroom light on.
Listen, I've got to go SPLASHING AND BUBBLING # And it's all right # It's coming on # We got to get right back to where we started# DOOR OPENS You could've left me some clothes.
I mean, talk about an undignified entrance.
That's a bit creepy.
What you're doing.
Is there at least a towel? I'm dripping everywhere.
Hello? I won't bite.
I'm all right here for now.
Would you like me to put some food on? Do you eat? No.
I mean, I don't need to.
I can chew and swallow, if that makes it easier? Don't worry about it, it's fine.
I need a drink.
Are you sure that's? I know, I'm not supposed to.
It won't kill us.
The official advice is Fuck the official advice.
It's one night.
You look well.
Well, I am young.
I mean You look like him on a good day.
The photos we keep tend to be flattering.
I guess I wasn't any different.
You're so soft.
You're so smooth.
How are you so smooth? You've got pores and lines It's texture-mapping.
The really tiny details are visual - 2D.
Here, try my fingertips.
See? Weird.
Does it bother you? No.
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
I missed you.
I missed you so much! Hey, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Come on then.
Top off.
What's wrong? He had a mole there.
Where? There.
Hang on.
That's ridiculous.
That's completely stupid.
Hello? Hi.
Your hand's on my tit.
You're doing wonders for my self-esteem here.
There's no record of my sexual response.
I didn't discuss that side of things online.
But you have sexual responses.
I mean This works? Oh.
That, I can turn that on and off pretty much instantly.
See? I can do it again if you like.
Oh, oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Should I stop? No! No, it's really good.
Where Where did you learn this? Set routine.
Based on pornographic videos.
(SHE GROANS) I love you.
I love you.
BIRDS TWITTER (MOANS) What is it? What were you doing? Nothing.
The way that your eyes were open, it scared me.
You'd prefer if I closed them? What, when you're sleeping? Um, yeah? I don't really need to sleep.
Well, just try, next time.
Can I get you anything? No.
Coffee, sandwich? I said no.
Look, sorry.
It's just a bit odd.
I can appreciate it's pretty strange.
I just need a bit of, just, getting used to it.
And I shouldn't have drunk last night.
Next time could you try and stop me? Stop you drinking? Yeah.
So I get to enjoy being a bit of a bastard? (WEAK LAUGH) CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE What's wrong? Oh, God.
Shit, right, get in the bedroom.
What? Now! Hey.
Hey! Can I come in? Yeah, yeah.
Look at you.
The town mouse has become the country mouse.
Yeah, it's nice.
Was this all you ? Do you want a cup of coffee? Yeah.
You weren't answering calls.
It's been Or messages.
really busy.
I've just been a bit like "Oh, shit," you know, "What's?" Yeah.
Work's been mad, it's been Which is good, you know, obviously, because it's kept my mind off everything, so Where's the toilet? Upstairs.
So, I mean, um Yeah, let's, er Meet up more, yes.
Keep in touch yeah, yeah.
Come here.
I think it's great you're moving on.
What? Sorry.
There were There were man clothes, you know.
In the bathroom.
Is he nice? Sorry.
Big nose.
You know.
You deserve whatever you want.
All right.
All right.
Is everything all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's fine.
What did your friend say? That was my sister.
You know her.
She said that I was She said that she was happy that I'd moved on.
Moved on to what? Is that not the sort of thing I'd say? I mean It is, isn't it? Are you sure everything's all right? Yes! Shit! It's OK, I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Don't! We need to wrap that in paper.
Look, if you're going to pretend to be asleep, you could at least breathe, OK? It's just eerie.
Like this? (INHALES, EXHALES) It doesn't work.
I can tell that you're faking it.
Would you like me to have sex with you? Can you just go downstairs? OK.
No! That's Ash would argue over that.
He wouldn't just leave because I'd ordered him to.
What? N Ah, fucking hell! Don't cry, darling.
Oh, don't! Just get out! Get out! Go on! So you do want me to go? Just get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! You're not enough of him! You are nothing! You're nothing.
Fight me.
I don't do that.
Fucking fight me! Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Come on! Why are you just standing there taking this? How can you take this? Did I ever hit you? N No, of course you didn't but you might've done if I done this.
Or this.
I don't I don't know.
Maybe you would have.
But you wouldn't, would you? You wouldn't.
I could insult you.
What? There's tons of invective in the archive.
I like speaking my mind, I could throw some of that at you.
Get out of this house.
(SIGHS) What are you doing? I can't go more than 25 metres from my activation point.
What is that, a joke? Look, I know it sounds mental.
Where's your activation point? At the risk of blowing your mind it's where I was activated.
The bath.
I have to keep within a 25-metre radius unless my administrator - that's you - is with me.
Don't call me your administrator.
Why not? Because It sounds sort of sexy.
(LAUGHS) If you're laughing, can I come back inside? Feeling a bit ornamental out here.
Can you put that down, please? But it is funny.
Could you just put it down? Come with me.
We're going out.
# THE BEE GEES: How Deep Is Your Love Cheesy.
Come on.
Where are we going? Just hurry up.
SEAGULLS SQUAWK NO! DON'T DO IT! Seriously, don't do it.
I'm not going to.
See, he would have worked out what was going on.
This wouldn't have ever happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out.
Sorry, hang on.
That's a very difficult sentence to process.
What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.
Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you? That's another difficult one, to be honest with you.
You're just a few ripples of you.
There's no history to you.
You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.
Come on.
I aim to please.
Aim to jump.
Just do it.
If you're absolutely sure.
See, Ash would've been scared.
He wouldn't have just leapt off, he would have been crying, he would have been Oh.
Oh Oh, God, no.
Please, I don't want to do it.
Please don't make me do it.
That's not fair.
No, I'm I'm frightened, darling, please Don't make me.
I don't want to die.
Oh, God, I don't want to die No, that's not fair.
I'm frightened, I don't want to die.
Don't NO!!!! One for you, one for me.
What? We need another slice.
Why? So I can take one upstairs.
It's not the weekend.
It is my birthday.
"Thanks, Mum.
" Hey, Ash.
The birthday girl.
Just gonna come and hang out for a bit.
I wasn't doing anything.
I brought you some cake.
I know you don't eat anything.
I'm just using you as an excuse so I can get an extra slice.
Mum? Mum! Yeah, I'm just coming.
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