Bless This Mess (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 To answer your question, no, I'm not having a nervous breakdown, but thank you for your concern.
Well, I wasn't concerned about you.
I was concerned about me.
I mean, I'm a rip-roaring narcissist.
- Yes.
- MONIQUE: And you technically are my therapist, so you're supposed to be servicing me.
- Yes.
- How could you move to a farm in Nebraska? I it's more like how could I not move to a farm in Nebraska when it looks like this? What? Come on, my husband's great aunt dies and leaves it to him and bam! I'm living in a Pinterest page.
- Have you ever farmed before? - Uh you know uh no.
- Have you ever been to Nebraska? - I have not, no.
But I am excited to go.
- Oh, my God.
- RIO: Hmm? I should move to Nebraska.
- Oh, I can't let you do that.
- MONIQUE: Then we could be together.
- RIO: No.
I would advise you - We could be best friends.
- I could be your neighbor.
- not to do that just based on what I know about you.
- We could bake together.
- Monique, do you remember what we talked about? The whole world doesn't revolve around you.
RIO: Don't Don't do that.
Third eye.
- Okay.
What's your price? - There's no price.
- It's not a number - Yeah.
Name your number.
I'll buy you out.
- It's not I'm not And you can't "buy me out.
" - I want you to come live in my house.
These are just You got to work on boundaries.
With a different therapist.
Mike! I just told my last patient that I'm leaving, and I think GPS has me getting to you in 57 seconds or - MAN: Whoa! - Hey, hey! - Watch where you're going! - Watch my big, fat ass.
Yeah, you wish that ass was fat, sweetheart.
[SIGHS.]
Jerk-O! Ugh, the people in this city! Driving me crazy I can't wait to get out.
- Honey, I see you.
- What, hon? RIO: Mike! Hey! - Hi! Hi! - Aah! - MIKE: [LAUGHS.]
- Did you quit? Did you quit? - RIO: How did it feel? - I all the way quit.
- RIO: [CHUCKLES.]
- It was exhilarating.
My editor was like, "What?!" And I was like, "Yeah, you heard me.
I'm going farming in Nebraska.
" I'm finally gonna have the time to do everything I've always wanted to do.
I mean, I'm gonna become the man I've always wanted to be.
[STAMMERS.]
A man who takes care of you.
A a and makes stuff with his hands.
- I'm not a New Yorker.
- RIO: Yeah.
I'm a Midwesterner at heart.
- I've got farming in my blood.
- RIO: You are.
- You've seen me at Whole Foods.
- RIO: Yeah.
I always walk straight up to the right heirloom tomato.
- I know the best one.
I grab it.
- Yes.
I mean, you're from the suburbs of St.
Louis, but I understand what you're talking about.
- MIKE: Rural.
Very rural.
- Yes.
Very rural.
Okay.
Last item.
It's party time.
- Okay! - Aah! [MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'm goin' up the country Look at the sky, - and these vast plains, and - Mm.
It's just it's gorgeous, isn't it? - You know what I'm gonna do? - What? I'm gonna pull this car over and we're gonna frolic in one of these fields.
- No, I'm not do - Yes.
- When's the last time you frolicked? - I am not doing that.
- I'm frolicking! - [BOTH CHEERING.]
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Hi, Mom.
- Rio, whatever you do, do not get out of that car in Iowa.
A girl was murdered there in 2008.
- Mom! Mom.
- DONNA: Her head was found in 2009.
- How do you know we're in Iowa right now? - I track your phone.
What am I not gonna track your phone? I'm your mother.
- You track my phone, too? - [LAUGHS.]
DONNA: This is too big of a change, Rio.
You've never lived anywhere but the city.
You don't even know how to drive.
You're afraid of cows.
- No, I'm not.
- You're afraid of cows? No, I'm not I'm not afraid of cows.
You were traumatized when you were 6 years old, remember? Your father took you to the petting zoo, and the cow escaped, and then it killed itself on the freeway? Wait, you witnessed that? - Yeah, it was awful.
- Oh, my goodness.
MIKE: I've actually studied farming quite a bit, Donna.
I wrote an article about the DJ from Public Enemy who started a very successful ostrich farm.
[WHISPERING.]
Rio, who is this man you married? I never liked him.
You don't need to waste your time whispering, Donna.
- I can I can hear you.
- You've been married, what, a year? It's nothing, sweetheart, believe me.
Pretty great first year.
Not a single fight.
- That's right.
- So RIO: Mom, I know what I'm doing, okay? I'm done with New York.
I need a simpler life.
No screens.
- Especially for this one.
- Yeah, unplugged.
I'm only gonna use my phone in case of an emergency.
Does your husband have a very large and/or interesting penis that's tempering your ability to make rational decisions? - [LAUGHS.]
- It's both, though.
- It's both.
For the record, it's both.
- No, no, no.
No No reception.
- I'll show you the next time you visit.
- All right, love you.
- Breaking up, bye.
- I'll show you.
I am not breaking Don't you dare hang up! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- - MIKE: Nebraska! RIO: Whoo! [HORN HONKING.]
- MIKE: Honk, honk.
- RIO: Honk.
Okay.
Uh You know, guess it could use a coat of paint.
Mm-hmm.
- MIKE: Something warmer, like - RIO: Yep, yep.
like a light brown, or a a medium yellow.
- And I think we're gonna be there.
- Uh yep.
Yep, yep, yeah, yeah.
Not too shabby.
It It is a bit shabby.
MIKE: Honey, I don't want you to underestimate - the power of some sandpaper - RIO: Okay.
MIKE: and some elbow grease.
Well Oh, that's appropriate.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- My lady.
- Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
MIKE [CHUCKLING.]
: Okay.
- RIO: All right.
- MIKE: Yeah.
RIO: Yeah.
I mean, it's you know, - it's not so bad.
- MIKE: Yeah.
- This will be fine.
- Yeah.
- [WOOD CREAKING.]
- [BOTH SCREAM.]
- [COUGHS.]
- [EXHALE SHARPLY.]
Well [GRUNTS.]
It's just a floor.
- [WOOD CLATTERING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
And, uh, also the "ruff.
" I think I just swallowed a little bit of ceiling.
You know, that afternoon light might really be nice in the foyer if we just embrace it.
Put a little Plexiglass or something over.
Just keep moisture out.
[WATER RUNNING.]
MIKE: Sweetie, you don't need to worry about the roof.
I'm gonna handle it.
I'm back to my roots now.
- Yeah, you are.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm all man.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my goodness, that got cold! - Okay, it's a little cold, yeah.
- Why did that just get so cold? Yeah.
I guess I didn't even notice.
[LAUGHING.]
I guess I overreacted.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MAN COUGHING.]
[WHISPERING.]
Mike.
- [WHISPERING.]
There's somebody in here.
- Shh.
- There's somebody in our bathroom.
- So go do something.
[SHOUTING.]
Who is in here? - I don't know if it's an animal or a person.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- MIKE: Someone is in here! - RIO: They're using the toilet! [QUIETLY.]
All right, get behind me.
- I'll protect you.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna protect you.
- What are you gonna say? I don't know yet.
All right.
[RIO AND MIKE SCREAM.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
Hello.
I'm Rudy.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Rudy! It's Mike! Man, is it great to see you.
- RIO: [CHUCKLES.]
- MIKE: Rudy - RIO: Oh.
- MIKE: is Aunt Maggie's neighbor I haven't seen him since I was a little kid! Lost my house a couple years ago.
Maggie said I could move into the barn.
But there's no plumbing out there, so I got to use your bathroom sometimes.
So, sometimes.
Now, what do you, uh, do in the rest of the times, or - RIO: [CHUCKLES.]
- Bucket.
Mm-hmm.
Um A bucket.
Um [MUFFLED.]
You need to tell him he can't use our bathroom.
Honey, when you use that voice, I do not know what you're saying.
Tell him he can't use our bathroom.
- It sounds like a goose.
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
No.
[IMITATES RIO.]
- I see your mouth moving - [MUFFLED.]
You need to tell him She's asking you to tell me not to use the bathroom.
- Thank you so much, Rudy.
- Better fix that roof.
- Storm's coming.
- A storm? Is that right? Oh.
And when is when is the "storm a-coming"? - Soon.
- Soon? Uh, so - Today, or ? - Soon.
- Got that.
- WOMAN: Oh! Hey! Oh, my gosh.
There's neighbor They must be your neighbors.
There's people just, like, walking up to just, like - group saying "hi," and welcome us.
- Yeah.
- What should I say? What should I say? - Okay, so just start with "hi.
" - Okay.
Yeah, just, like - And then just kind of let it evolve from there.
[QUIETLY.]
She was born and raised in New York.
She's never said hi to a neighbor.
This is so fantastic.
I'm so glad you're here for this.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- MIKE AND RIO: Come on in! [LAUGHTER.]
Hi! I'm Kay Bowman.
- RIO: Oh, hey.
- I'm Beau Bowman.
- This is our son, Jacob.
- I am their son, Jacob.
- Yes, hey, hi.
- Hi there.
Beau.
Kay.
Young Jacob.
ALL: Rudy.
Can I offer you guys something? Um, we don't have much, but we have a little, uh uh, a biscotti, and some unsweetened ginger beer.
- Hand-spun noodles.
- Also like a a turmeric cracker.
The red are gluten-free, as I recall.
There's a, I think an ashwagandha, uh, hot drink.
Anything, uh, jumping out at you, that you ? [CHUCKLES.]
No, listen, we're, um, interested in buying your property.
We're thinking of expanding into the slaughter industry.
Yeah, we would like to use this house as our meat locker.
You know what? I think there's been a little bit of misunderstanding.
- Yes.
- Because we're not selling, unfortunately.
- We're gonna stay and make a go of it here.
- Yeah.
RIO: Yeah, only a few days ago, he was, uh he was a music journalist and I was a therapist, and now we're farmers.
- Gonna grow alfalfa.
- Yeah.
Hold up.
Now, what do you mean you're farmers? Just all of a sudden? - Um Y yes.
Yes.
- Should should we not be? We've been doing this all our lives.
You don't just announce one day you're a farmer.
I mean - My wife's a supermodel.
- I'm Christie Brinkley.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I'm an astronaut.
- I'm Jacob.
- Oh, okay.
All right.
You guys, that farm that farm is not gonna grow anything.
The soil is dead.
Top soil washed off years ago.
RIO: I'm just sort of trying to figure out, like, did we just quit our job and, like, move to a farm that doesn't grow anything? Do you know what I mean? - Cowgirl.
- Hmm? Are you worried? I'm No.
I'm, like, chill.
- I'm just, like, processing.
- Oh.
Oh, good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, that's good.
- I'm not, like - [INHALE SHARPLY.]
Yep, yep, yep.
Tip your hat, tip your hat, tip your hat.
Your hat tip it.
RIO: Oh, um Sir.
- That was amazing.
- That felt amazing.
- Yeah.
That was good.
- That was, like, a That was like a victory for me.
So, y'all must be that couple from New York, huh? - Yes.
How did you know that? - Yeah.
The hat.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi.
I'm Constance Terry.
Oh, t Connie's.
This is your store.
Great.
I'm an old friend of your Aunt Maggie's.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But she did get a little racist near the end.
You know, but, hey ain't nobody perfect.
Is there anything I can do to make that right, or ? - Yeah, I don't I think we just leave it.
- [BELL RINGING.]
You know what I mean? 'Cause at this point - MIKE: Let sleeping dogs lie.
- Constance.
Oh.
Hi, Rudy.
I'd like to compliment you on the pants you're wearing.
Uh Yeah, they, uh They're stretch denim.
Uh Made in Bangladesh.
Bangla-what? Bangladesh.
They have the appearance of denim but they feel like an exercise pant.
Hey, honey! How's it going? - [HAMMERING.]
- MIKE: Oh, we're good! Lookin' real good.
Done, done, and done.
Oh.
Awesome.
So it's fixed? There's a bit of a a little crack where some maybe some moisture will get in, but - Oh.
- with a little bit of work still, I think it's gonna be great.
On the roof, or there Is there a hole still? Well, what's a hole? - Like, the classic definition of one.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Um, I got the I brought this book out.
- So So what I've done here is I pulled - Honey, I you know I can I can see that you're using your phone.
- What? - There's, like, a couple things.
A, I can see it.
B, and then your motion was clearly scrolling.
Yes, I w I I had this out just to, uh - Photograph the pages? - RIO: No, I of course, you know, just we have a hole in the roof still, and the storm is coming, and the soil is dead, and, you know, I'm kind of like, "Ahh, doom.
" - RIO: [CHUCKLES.]
So - Spinning a little bit? - I am spinning a bit, yeah.
- MIKE: Okay, listen.
- We're gonna be fine.
- Well, how do you know that, really, though? - I just know.
- Yeah, but you can't "just know.
" - I mean, it's not possible to to just - MIKE: [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, are are we fighting? - No.
- We're not fighting.
- Great! - Great.
That's great.
- RIO: Yeah.
- RIO: Oh, yeah.
- That's all we need Aah! Watch out.
[THUD.]
Why did you why would you You broke the hammer! - RIO: Why'd you break the - 'Cause I'm strong, Rio! I'm stronger than I look.
RIO: Rudy? I was wondering if we could borrow a hammer.
Yes.
I will allow it.
Okay.
[TOOLBOX BANGS.]
I'm sure you have questions about what happened at the hardware store.
- [TOOLBOX BANGS.]
- I In No.
- Oh.
Do I? - With Constance? We have a lot of sexual chemistry.
- Enough said.
- I didn't I didn't notice that.
- You're a therapist, right? - I was a therapist.
Um, but now I'm a farmer.
Is there something that you want to talk about, or ? I don't need therapy.
I'm not a Jewish person.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to be Jewish to go to therapy.
"Yeah.
" "Okay.
" No, I'm serious you actually you don't have to be Jewish.
My friend keeps having a dream about his ex-wife.
Makes it hard for him to sleep in the barn.
- And your friend also sleeps in the barn? - Sleeps in the barn, yes.
Got it.
Right.
His name is Bun.
- Bun.
- RUDY: His wife left him, but now he's having feelings for another woman.
But in the dream, his ex-wife has really sharp teeth, and she's dressed like Big Bird, and she keeps yelling, "I know what you did, Rudy! I know what you did!" - She calls Bun by the name "Rudy.
" - Yes.
- Bun isn't a real person.
- RIO: Okay.
That's okay.
I think what's going on is that you're having feelings for someone new, and that means you're letting go of your ex-wife.
Do you think that's what actually scares you? You're good.
That's - Wow.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Hi, neighbor.
- Hey, Mr.
Mike! - BEAU: Just sayin' hi.
- MIKE: How you doin', guys? I'm I'm a little busy right now, if you don't mind.
Yeah, we heard you're having some trouble with your roof.
Jacob can help.
He's got a real feel for wood.
- I love wood.
- Yeah, he tried to eat it when he was a little boy, and I started calling him Beaver, - until Beau told me - I told her to stop.
- Well - Who's a beaver? - RIO: I got a hammer.
- Okay, back in business.
- Yep.
- [OBJECTS BANGING.]
I think you're doing it wrong.
- Thanks for the help, but I got it covered.
- [HAMMER THUDS.]
- Aah! - You know, that storm looks to be pretty bad.
Price'll go down if the house gets wrecked.
Oh, is that right? Well um, I am curious, actually.
What What How much is it that you're offering? - Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Rio, Rio, Rio, Rio.
- I would be just curious.
You know, I was just cur I was curious - Are you trying to sell the farm? - RIO: No, I was just curious, 'cause I was just Let's Can we go talk somewhere? No, I'm right in the middle of fixing the "ruff.
" - Yes, roof.
- Okay? And if we go talk, - I can't fix the roof.
- Roof, but No, what I was gonna say was that maybe we should just, you know, both agree that, like, - not a lot of progress has been made - I see a lot of progress.
There's a surfboard up there that I think you brought.
Do you not believe in me? - Is that what's - [SIGHS.]
- Okay, you know what? - [HAMMER THUDS.]
- I'm gonna take a five-minute walk.
- RIO: No.
- Cool off.
Just to get some air - Mike I I No in the system and, uh - Excuse me.
No, no.
Mike, please.
- you know, breathe a bit.
I just need to be alone for a minute, hon.
I I would like to be alone.
[SHOUTING.]
Can we be alone together? You think he's ever held a hammer before? - Not in his hand, no.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Stop it, Beau.
Honestly, what's really important is that, you know, Mike and I got into, like, - a real argument, you know? - DONNA: Mike is fine.
I I understand, but Mike is fine.
That's the thing, is that I have to get some more of DONNA: What I want to know is it, what kind of storm is it, sweetheart? - [GASPING.]
- Is it a tornado? If it's a tornado, - that's very, very dangerous.
- Oh, no, Mom.
DONNA: You need to get the hell out of there right away.
Oh, Mom.
DONNA: What? W w what? It's happening.
W w what's happening? What's happening? DONNA: What's happening, Rio?! [MENACINGLY.]
Cow.
DONNA: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
CONSTANCE: Whoop, whoop! - If I was you, I'd get - MIKE: It's not on.
- What? - MIKE: It's not on.
- CONSTANCE: Is it on now? - MIKE: No.
- CONSTANCE: I think the battery may be going.
- [MEGAPHONE BLARES.]
- CONSTANCE [THROUGH MEGAPHONE.]
: Is it on now? - MIKE: Yep.
Whoop! Whoop! If I was you, I'd get off of this private property unless you want a BB gun pointed at your ass.
Over.
Constance, why are you in a cop car? Because I'm the sheriff, too.
- And I run the local theater - [CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
and we just did a production of Les Mis.
And I I played a French ho.
You know, I came out here to get a little alone time, - if that's not too offensive to you.
- Too bad.
Because I want to know why you're walking along this road by yourself.
[COW MOOS.]
Rio, get big.
Get big and scary.
DONNA: But with a happy face, but with your eyes shut.
No eye contact! Very large, and moo.
[GROANS.]
DONNA: Show 'em who's boss.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss.
Very good, Rio.
Go with what you've learned.
You know.
You know what this is all about.
- Yeah.
- DONNA: This is about your father and his abandonment of all of us.
I'm a child of divorce, all right? I'm from New York, you know? I don't want any trouble.
I really don't.
- Ohh, it's moving its head.
- Put the cow on the phone, Rio! Put the cow on the phone right now! Let me tell 'em a thing or two.
[WHISPERING.]
Can you talk to my mom, please? DONNA: Get your hands off of my daughter, you big, fat, bovine beast! - [COW MOOS, CELLPHONE THUDS.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
Oh, my God! It's attacking me! It's attacking me! Rio and I got in a fight, and we've never fought.
Y'all never fought? How long you been married? - A year.
- A year? That ain't a marriage.
That's a long date.
You still in the part where you're pretending to be what the other person wants you to be.
You know, my husband, we fought.
We fought We fought a lot before he passed away.
But you got to fight.
[SIGHS.]
Fighting is good.
Fighting is when two people care enough to get ugly.
Everything can't be good all the time.
You know, the best kind of love ain't happy.
The best kind of love is honest.
- Best kind of love is honest.
- CONSTANCE: Mm-hmm.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
MIKE: Rio! Rio, we got to batten down the hatches.
Storm's here! RIO: Hey, Mike, how was your alone time? - MIKE: Hon? Where Where are you? - RIO: I'm up here.
What are you doing up there? You know, I'm just I ran up on the roof to get away from a cow.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Baby, you got to come down.
The storm is here.
- Um, yes, I I would love that.
- [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
I just I'm experiencing what I would diagnose as a panic attack.
Okay, say no more.
I'm coming up.
I'll get you down in a jiff.
- RIO: I'm stuck, Mike! - All right, I'm coming! It's a very sneaky, aggressive cow, Mike.
It's okay, honey.
I'm here.
- You're not stuck.
You're not stuck.
- Hi! - I'm gonna guide you to the ladder, okay? - Okay.
Okay, I'm not stuck.
- You're not stuck.
One, - I'm not - two, three.
Okay.
- Two, three.
This just in we are stuck.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
- I have to pee! Yeah.
Me, too.
Why'd you leave me alone? Why'd you try to sell the farm to the Bowmans? Oh, I don't know, Mike! 'Cause maybe look at it! - Are we fighting? - I think so, yeah.
- Good.
Good.
We need to fight, okay? - RIO: Yeah.
You have not chilled out since we got here! Because I really wanted to be this, like, cool, chill, brave kind of girl, you know, when we got to the farm, but the truth is I'm not.
That's not me.
And I currently do not know what to do with my life, and that really scares me.
Okay, well, th that's okay.
There's another thing.
I love my phone.
I love it.
I have not unplugged, - and I have no intention of unplugging.
- Yeah, no doi.
I want you to know that I want to be the man that can fix a "ruff.
" I do.
But But I don't think I am.
- Roof.
Roof.
- Ruff.
- It's "roof.
" I'm pretty sure it's "roof.
" - We're saying the same word.
No, we're not.
It It's fine.
And while I'm being honest, hon, I I didn't I didn't quit my job.
The The magazine folded, and I got laid off, and I didn't know how to tell you.
- What?! - I was afraid you would think I was a failure, and then the farm just kind of fell in my lap, so it all happened really quickly, and Just Can you Can you say something, even if it's in that annoying whisper-voice? [THUNDER CRASHES.]
- Oh, my God.
- Sweetie I'm so sorry I drug us out to this terrible farm.
It's not how I remembered it, and this whole thing was a mistake, and I'm sorry.
No it's not a mistake.
I I It's what I love about you, Mike.
You make my life an adventure.
- You really do.
- MIKE: [CHUCKLES.]
You make me feel brave.
Honestly, the thing that scares me the most would be my life without you.
RIO: Hey, honey.
I just want you to know that I I peed a long time ago, and it was quick, but it happened.
Oh, good.
I I peed, too.
And it was not quick.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
- MIKE: What the hell? - RIO: Oh.
MIKE: What, it's like an armada.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- MIKE: Oh.
- CONSTANCE: Hey! We got a call at the station from someone named Donna? She said her daughter is in danger.
Thank you guys so much.
- Thank you! - Hey, this is just what we do, okay? Everybody, come on.
Let's get 'em down.
All right, don't you fall.
Come on, let's go, everybody.
I'm goin' up the country Baby, don't you want to go? Come on, missy.
Let me warm you up.
Oh, Constance, thank you so much.
- Yeah, I got to take this off.
- Great.
- Mike? - Hey, Rio.
We just want to say we're still interested in making a deal.
Yeah, like I always tell Jacob, it's okay to give up.
Thank you so much.
We're gonna stay, so How wonderful for our community.
Right? Were you just saying that to get rid of them, - or do you mean it? - No, I mean it.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[GASPS.]
Mike! Alfalfa! [LAUGHING.]
Alfalfa! - That's it! That's it! - The soil is not dead! When should we tell 'em it's a weed? Soon.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [MIKE AND RIO CHEERING.]
- RIO: The soil is not dead! - MIKE: We did it! We're growing alfalfa, growing alfalfa