Bless This Mess (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

The Chicken and the Goat

1 [Birds chirping.]
[Bells jingle.]
- Hi.
- Ladies.
RIO: Mama, things are going great.
Yes, the soil is dead, but Mike spent the last two weeks - researching soil revitalization, and - DONNA: The soil is dead? What do you mean the soil is dead? The soil on the farm that you threw away your life for, that soil is dead? What are you doing while he's teaching himself - how to farm? - Well, I-I-I'm I'm unpacking 'cause I got to sift through all of Aunt Maggie's stuff - and get it - I got an idea.
Start a fire, take the insurance money don't look back! Arson is almost impossible to prove.
I wish you could see it out here, Mom.
It's so beautiful.
The sky and the fresh air and - [Screaming.]
- [Gasps.]
- What was that?! - It's a goat.
- I'm fine.
- A goat? Rio! - Rudy's got a - [Screaming.]
goat that screams like a human man.
Rudy's the homeless man who's living in your barn?! If I'm homeless, why is the barn my home? Ha ha.
Got her.
- That's a good one.
It's true.
- Hello? Um, is there I see there's a chicken, also, there? She's a stray.
Theresa likes her.
- I'm sorry who's Theresa? - The goat.
Isn't that the name of your ex-wife or? Yes, but it has no significance.
Um, okay, so, there's gonna be a chicken and a goat - Anjelica.
- I'm sorry who's Anjelica? The chicken.
She stays.
She's Theresa's best friend.
- [Anjelica clucks.]
- Are you there? - Oh.
Copy that.
- MIKE: Hey, honey! Um, Mom, I gotta go, but I just don't want you to worry, - because Mike has got this.
- Oh, "Mike's got this.
" - Now I'm gonna sleep great - Bye.
I found a nickel! - You what? - Like Indiana Jones out here, - just bumping into artifacts - What from 2012.
- Oh.
- Still, seven years ain't nothin'.
- [Laughing.]
- I claim this land.
Farmer boy, you're looking hot! Hot piece of ass collecting soil samples.
I-I'm sorry, honey.
I can't hear you.
What? Farmer boy, so hot.
You're a hot piece of ass.
Thank you.
Thank you.
If we plant the clover in time for the rain, next year, we can diversify crops.
We could be sitting on a pretty dope microbial base.
- Whoo! Sounds like we got a plan! - Yeah! Houston, we have a plan.
- Problem, right? Hou - No.
"Houston, we have a plan.
" "Problem" it's like, "Houston, we have a problem.
" I'm going from the movie, when Tom Hanks radios down.
He says, "Houston, we have a plan.
" You're just gonna have to believe me on this one, 'cause it's - [Theresa screams.]
- Oh, zhush! Hey, there, buddy.
[Switch clicks.]
That's about right.
Hi, Aunt Maggie, you sweet, sweet hoarder.
Ohh! Turn away demon child dolls.
Do you want to get lunch? You know what? I'm fighting the light.
- Okay.
- But do you want some bea Oh.
It's just the juice.
- [Slurps.]
- Okay.
- I'm okay.
- All right.
- [Keyboard clacking.]
- Hey.
Honey, you want to do some sex stuff? Yeah.
You know, my soil report just came in from all the samples I bagged up.
So just looking Oh, nitrogen is low.
- Phosphate's low.
- Ooh.
- pH is low.
- Ohh.
Sweet potash numbers.
- Nice.
- Mm! What do you say we get dirty and bag some of your samples? - [Clicks tongue.]
Wow, that, um - Yeah.
- That didn't sound great.
- Yeah, it went south really quickly.
RIO: We're just kind of getting used to being here, really.
DONNA: Getting used to extreme loneliness and desperation for human contact? - Like a prisoner.
- Stop.
Are you even having meals together? Actually, you know what? Come to think of it, we did share some peanuts together the other day.
- It was kind of cute.
- And you're not having sex.
I can hear it in your voice.
- A mother always knows - Ma! when her daughter's not getting any! Okay, $9.
You coming to the potluck today? Are you gonna invite Mike and Rio? Oh, should I? I wouldn't want them to feel pressured to come and then actually come.
Your mom invited me to a potluck when I was new in town.
What if they rob me? Or, heaven forbid, they turn all my buckets upside down and drum on them? Why would they do that, Kay? I don't know what New Yorkers do for fun.
And sorry to say this, but have you seen her tight tops? I think she might be promiscuous.
- Come on, now.
- [Bells jingle.]
Mom, just j j Hold on a second, okay? - Hey, Constance.
- Hey, Miss Rio.
- Hey, Kay.
- DONNA: I can't see anything! - I can't see you! - Oh.
- Sorry, Mom.
- When was the last time that you and Mike had intercourse? No, Mom Mom! Mom! - You're on video chat.
Shh! - And I mean real, loving - Hi.
Just - emotionally connected intercourse? Once the sex goes, everything goes - [Cellphone beeps.]
- [Chuckles nervously.]
It's just, uh I'll get you a new can of clams, Kent.
Thanks, Connie.
Sorry about that.
Guess you know more about me now.
[Chuckles nervously.]
[Clears throat.]
We're having a potluck today at 4:00.
I'm inviting you.
And that's it.
A-A potluck.
I We would love to come.
"Potluck" means you have to bring something.
I know that.
Thank you.
Can I have my bag? - Bye, now.
- Bye, Miss Kay.
- [Bell jingles, door opens.]
- KAY: And don't forget to bring something.
- [Door closes.]
- When she says "bring something" - Food.
- Food.
Cool, cool.
And that means just sort of buy something - and put it on - You make it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Just, like, a classic potluck situation.
Hon, I can't go to that potluck.
I got to finish digging this ditch before the rain comes.
I know, but I was just thinking, like, maybe we could just take a break, and we could do it how we did it in New York our Saturday date night.
Remember the one time we got so drunk that we just did it in the bathroom of that Thai bistro? Whoo! - Oh.
Wow, what a night.
- You know.
Well, you would've thought my performance would've been affected by that Thai gal banging on the bathroom door, - but one of my better showings.
- Indeed.
- Whoo! - Whoo! What is this? You think this is a poop or a rock? That's a rock.
No, that's that's a poop.
- That's poop all the way.
- No, that's not breaking.
- That's a rock.
- Oh, she'll break.
This def a poo.
- I don't know, girl.
- Let me see.
- Ho! - Hey-o! - [Both laugh.]
- Hey! Hello, there, little poop! - Poop, there it is! - Welcome to the farm! - Ohh.
- Oh, that's great.
Ah Yeah, we should definitely get a date night done tonight.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Great! Mike does most of the cooking, but I do infuse my own water, which is kind of great.
It's got cucumber and rosemary.
It's very cleansing Missy, if you bring vegetable water to this potluck, I will arrest you myself.
- Yeah.
- We're going to make an icebox cake - with no cooking required.
- That's good.
[Horn honks.]
BEAU: Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Mike! You remember me? Jacob! We've been here for two weeks, Jacob.
Uh, I got it.
Hey, I noticed your tiny electric vehicle's riding kind of low.
What do you got in there? It's tiny, but it's big on efficiency.
I, uh, I got some seed back there.
Once I hook up the spreader to that bad boy, gonna lay down some nutrient-rich organic matter.
It's called manure.
You don't have to put a tuxedo on it.
Well, then I'm gonna plant some clover.
- I'm gonna use a no-till method.
- No-till, huh? Here's a pro-tip till.
And, you know, they're saying that tilling is a major force in topsoil loss.
So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna plant and I'm gonna let the rain sink the seed.
I mean, the science behind it is really impressive.
It might even interest you for your fields.
For my fields.
Hey, do you mind if I give you some advice? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Why don't you go to school for agricultural science and then work a farm for 20 years, then come back and tell me how to run my fields.
Okay? You made my dad's face red.
[Clears throat.]
Well I went to college, too.
Is that so? What'd you study? Philosophy.
Of music.
Gonna let that sit there.
Hey, about that rain next Tuesday, it's not gonna happen.
Not gonna rain for a while now.
So looks to me like you are nutrient-rich-organic-matter out of luck.
- Bye, Mike! - [Clears throat.]
Watch your toes! Hey, sweetie! You ready to go to the potluck? [Sighs.]
Hon, I I can't go.
I can't I can't The [Sighs.]
The forecast changed.
There's no rain.
So, basically, right now, we have no plan.
- Okay.
- Houston, we have no plan! So sorry, but that that really is literally the time you could've said, "Houston, we have a problem.
" What? No th It's fine.
No, it's fine.
Um, sweetie, don't you think it's a good idea to maybe get out of the barn, put some clean pants on, and come spend an hour with your wife? I mean, isn't that why we're here in the first place? Like, to spend more time together.
It's, like, we could pretend we're having a New York date night.
W I-I This isn't New York.
We can't afford to be impulsive and do it in the bathroom of a Thai restaurant and then just go back out and order dessert.
We got to build the Thai restaurant with our own two hands if we want to do it in the bathroom.
We need a plan, and we need to get to work.
How good was the plan in the first place if the whole thing falls apart because of one rain forecast? - How good was the plan in the first place? - I'm sorry.
- That's your - I'm not trying to upset you.
All I'm saying is that I-I am also having some trouble here.
I'm kind of freaking out because I feel very out of place, and you're kind of the only person in the world who can make it all okay.
And now it's like I don't really have you, either.
So please, come to the potluck with me.
You don't have to do it just for me.
Do it Do it for us.
I can't go.
Oh, did you guys hear? It is not gonna rain.
Oh, my God.
Rudy, please, you got to let us know when you're in here.
I apologize.
- We - I'm in here.
Got it.
Honey, go to the potluck.
I want you to have fun.
[Knock on door.]
- Hi.
- Oh! I carried this on my handlebars, so it kind of sloshed all to the right, so you might need to spruce it up.
Is that what it needs? - Potluck! - Oh, yes.
Come in.
You dressed up.
[Indistinct conversations.]
That's a healthy pour.
Mike couldn't be here, so it's fi I don't I'm, like, cool with that.
It's just more that I feel like I have to loosen up.
The good news is that I'm really fun at parties.
I went to this fundraiser, and I got Bloomberg to do the worm.
So [Chuckles.]
A lot of people were talking about it.
We just really want to get our hands dirty.
You couldn't get your hands dirty in New York? Mm! You can, but it's more like, "I just touched my hand to a subway pole, rubbed my eye, and now I've got pink eye" kind of dirty.
Well, [Chuckles.]
I hope you find a husband here.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
No, I-I'm married.
I - Ohh.
- Well - Sure.
Of course.
- No.
Remember Father Time he clicks away.
- BOTH: Yeah.
- I mean, you still look very pretty, but he's gonna take that all away soon.
But that's my sad story, so, you w-what's the deal with you? Why are you here alone? My boyfriend and I just broke up.
Did you say "boyfriend"? [Chuckles.]
I love that.
You love it? What does that mean? I'm from New York.
I get it.
I-I'm an advocate.
I march for your rights.
I spent Halloweens in the Village.
You know, I was like I'm surrounded by like, in college I had a whole stint dated a girl for a long time.
Anyway, the point is, I'm not gonna treat you differently than anyone else here.
Starting when? Oh.
You know what I turn to when I'm looking for answers? Those two Theresa and Anjelica.
Uh, I'm so turned around, I'll try anything.
Is borage or clover a better cover crop for us? [Clucking lightly.]
What am I looking for? Do they nod or scratch or show me a hoof? I think you may have lost your mind, Mike.
- Y-You told me to - I just meant to watch them.
- They've got all the answers, don't they? - They just look like a couple of weird, codependent farm animals to me.
They don't belong together, but they make each other better.
You go be with your wife.
Rudy, I would love to go with my wife to a potluck, but it's not gonna rain, and we don't have any money to buy an irrigation system Can you make it rain? No.
Can you make the wind change direction? No.
What's the one thing you can do? Trust me.
I live alone in a barn with a goat named after my ex-wife.
Go to the potluck.
[Anjelica clucking.]
Thank you.
- Don't thank me.
- Right.
Uh, thank you, Anjelica and Theresa.
Again, they're animals.
They do not speak English.
Mike, I'm starting to think that you might bea little bit dense.
[Theresa bleats.]
My cake is in the trash? Aw, man.
Hey, honey.
Oh, you doing a little Dumpster diving? - Hi! - Mm.
- You came.
You came.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I should've come way sooner.
- Got so wrapped up in the whole planting - It's all right.
It's all right.
BEAU: Mike! Welcome.
See you braved that storm we're not having to make it over tonight.
There's a new thing called the forecast that all the farmers are using these days.
- [Kay laughs.]
- Actually, Beau, Mike has been coming up with a new plan, and it's gonna be amazing.
Oh! 'Cause you learned how to be a farmer from two weeks on the Internet.
I spent two weeks on the Internet, and I got blocked on Twitter five times.
- She got a bad mouth.
- Hi, Jacob.
- Hi.
- BEAU: Why don't you take a tip from a guy who's been part of a family that's been doing it for a hundred years? - [Chuckles.]
- Quit now.
Go back to New York.
I'll take that farm off your hands.
Thanks for the potluck.
- We're gonna take off.
- No, no, no.
Hang on.
It's true.
Mike may not have as much dirt under his fingernails as you, Beau, but you don't have a speck of the dirt that Mike has in his heart.
Because no one cares as much, and no one tries as hard as this man right here.
Thank you, hon.
I have seen this man open a bottle of wine with a pair of scissors.
I've seen this man get a day-of brunch reservation for eight people at 11:30 a.
on a Sunday of a three-day weekend! This man can do anything! So you watch us nail this farming thing.
And let me tell you something else.
You want to talk about forecast, Beau? Let me Oh, yeah, I think it's cloudy, with a chance of us kicking your ass.
- [Crowd gasps.]
Hey! - Excuse me?! Just to be clear, that was metaphorical.
- She's not threatening violence.
- Well, it wasn't clear.
And excuse me, Kay.
This is a cake.
And it deserves to be right here, on the dessert table, with all the other cakes, - 'cause cake equality! - Cake equality?! Not in my house! - [Door closes.]
- That was awesome! [Laughs.]
That felt awesome! - I'm so sorry, sweetie.
- No, no, honey.
- No, I-I-I am.
- I'm sorry.
I left you alone.
I just have all this pressure to make sure everything's perfect because I'm the one who got fired, - it was my idea to move out here, and - You know what? Huh? Honestly, even if it all just falls apart, it's you and me, and that that is all that matters.
Oh, honey.
I don't know if you know this, but they opened up a little Thai bistro in the Bowman barn.
That's so weird.
- Yeah Uh-huh.
- Oh! Oh, Thai bistro.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I get it.
Okay, do you want it mild or spicy? Well, I like it spicy, but a-also mild would be fine, 'cause it's been a really long day.
- Okay, that's fair.
- Yeah.
- Aah! Cows! - It's okay.
It's okay.
T-They're behind the fence.
They're behind the fence.
[Cows mooing.]
Oh, cows, cows, cows, cows, cows.
Ignore it.
Block them out.
- [Both moaning.]
- Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do it.
You're so strong.
Okay, hold on.
- You want to do some weird barn sex? - Yeah! - This is like "Animal Farm.
" - Ooh! Is that a - I didn't read that.
- Yeah.
It's not that hot, but just go with it.
Oh, Mike.
[Bull lows deeply.]
- Mike.
- Oh, do I smell? I know.
I thought we could push through.
[Lows deeply.]
There's a bull.
- There's a bull Don't look! - There's a bull behind me? - [Snorts.]
- Is it doing this with his hoofs? - 'Cause that's when they're gonna charge.
- It's, like frothing.
- We gotta go.
- No, shh! Don't move! - [Lows deeply.]
- Oh, my gosh! Aah! - Ohh! - [Lows deeply.]
- He just shot right out.
- [Wood thuds.]
W-Why was he in here by himself, do you think? I do not know.
- [Huffing loudly.]
- Oh.
- Oh, all right.
T-That's why.
- Ohh.
Oh, dear.
I think we got him all hot and bothered.
- [Lows loudly.]
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay, now he's moving on to the next.
- Girl.
- Yeah, I see that.
- It's a numbers games for him.
- Yikes.
- Um this is not good.
Houston, we have a problem.
Y That sounds right.
Before we begin, I think apologies are in order.
Yes, we are sorry that we tried to make love in your barn in such a way that freed your bull and caused it to make love to all your cows.
Uh, we feel terrible - Terrible.
- that you had to it looks like, fight it? Most of the night, yeah.
- Okay.
- Well But you got a lot of fun Band-Aids going on there.
- Uh, anyway - Yeah.
we sincerely apologize.
If it's any consolation, I just want to say that, for Mike and I, it was a really important night, and It was kind of a breakthrough, 'cause we were - feeling pretty disconnected - Oh, good.
- 'cause of the stress, I guess.
- Just to lessen the mood.
- Miss Kay.
- Okay.
Oh, um, I'm trying to think of something that we should apologize for.
I guess we should've offered our bedroom for your lovemaking? How about apologizing for throwing their cake in the trash? - I'm sorry.
- And talking trash? [Clears throat.]
All right.
Doesn't everybody feel a little better? - Yeah.
- Okay, now on to the damages.
You owe us $50,000.
I'm sorry what? The Bowmans sell bull semen to China.
I am a stud merchant! That's right, and that bull's "genetic material" was supposed to be frozen and on a slow boat to Beijing this morning! - This morning! - [Mug thuds.]
And as their attorney, I can verify they were due $50,000 upon delivery of the specimens.
- I thought you were our attorney.
- You're our attorney.
I'm the only lawyer in Bucksnort.
I'm everyone's attorney.
And I would advise you to negotiate down to $40,000, because I have a feeling that they're going to agree to it.
- Forty is fair.
- No! We don't have $40,000.
I'll see you in court, then.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay, o-okay.
- W-Wait.
Hold on.
- Let's ju Hey, hey.
- Hold on a second.
We don't have it.
I - Do you want to take our tractor? - Hmm.
- Wait.
- Well, Jacob's coming of age.
I guess we could use an old beater for him to kick around in - until we get a new one under him.
- Mm-hmm.
- That baby's got some years on her, - [Groaning.]
but I bet she could teach me a thing or two, - if you know what I mean, huh? - Shh! Jacob, no! RIO: This is not okay.
We need the tractor for Mike's plan.
Honey, we'll we'll come up with a new plan.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, we'll we'll figure it out.
CONSTANCE: Think we got a deal.
- Tractor? - All right! I'll invoice you, and, uh, this was pro Bono.
Otherwise, it's just too depressing.
Thank you.
[Engine rumbling.]
[Horn honks.]
- You good, babe? - Yeah.
I mean, it kind of feels like rock bottom, but other than that Oh, you're a ways from rock bottom.
I remember when I lost my tractor.
I thought everything was over.
Then I lost my wife.
- Lost my farm.
- Thank you.
Trying to think if there's anything else I lost.
- Oh, yeah both parents, two dogs.
- Rudy - Okay.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Hello, Rudy.
- Constance.
Why is your goat standing on my patrol vehicle? [Snorts.]
- She doesn't want you to leave.
- [Theresa bleats.]
Either that or you have cashews inside.
- Honey.
- Yeah? Look at Anjelica.
Do you see what she's doing? She's making and spreading nutrient-rich organic material.
- Poop? - No, I-I've read about this.
- Okay.
- Okay, just imagine chickens everywhere.
- Right.
- E E Fertilizing everything.
- Okay.
- I think we could bring the soil back without having a tractor.
I mean, it would take a lot more work, and we would need a ton of chickens.
I Chicke You want chickens? I got chickens.
I have an i Yeah, let me I-I'll get you chickens.
Someone told me long ago There's a calm before the storm - Oh.
- Here we go.
- Oh, boy.
- Hello.
- Wise person.
- One chicken is fine for it.
- So, do I just Yeah? Okay? - Yeah.
Just give it a - Oh, hon, you're a natural.
- [Chickens clucking.]
- Found this.
What do you think? - Okay! - Look at this.
Chicken for chicken? - One for one, I suppose.
- Does that feel fair? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I think you'll really - You're gonna like that.
- [Thud.]
- Oh.
- RIO: Um - That's not Uh, no.
Just the one.
Have you ever seen the rain? - RIO: Look at that.
- Beautiful.
Here we go.
- A dozen dolls for a dozen - Okay.
- Shame to see those go.
- Dozen for a dozen.
- You come visit them anytime.
- But you're gonna come visit.
- Thank you, guys.
- All right, come on.
- I want to know - [Chickens clucking.]
Have you ever seen the rain? I think people gave us - their weirdest, most demented chickens.
- [Chuckles.]
I like it.
It feels like us.
- We're the crazy chicken people now.
- [Chuckles.]
- I can live with that.
- [Screams.]
[Both screaming.]
I'm sorry.
They're from New York.