Bless This Mess (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

The Return of Short Shorts

1 - Yeah! There you go.
Get over there.
There you go, some nourishment.
Ah-ah, Priyanka, ah! I see you.
You're picking at those feathers again.
Gosh darn it.
I feel like she's gonna need another massage.
- You sure? - Well, look at her.
I feel like she could probably live without a massage today.
- I don't know.
- I gave her one yesterday.
There you go, sweetheart.
Gonna get a massage.
Breathe with me.
Ah, ah, ah, eh, ah.
She let it go.
There it was.
Hon, I-I-I'm starting to notice that you're getting a little emotionally attached to the fowl, and since we're gonna be selling them for meat soon, maybe you should just maybe emulate what I am doing, which is keeping kind of a professional distance - with the chickens.
- Yeah.
Honey, you, and your beak, and all of it I care about you more than my life - I love you more than me - Very emotional.
Oh, oh! Heads up.
Beau's coming.
Look busy farming.
He still doesn't think we're real farmers.
- Well, I am farming.
- I know, you're doing a good job.
This is part of my regime.
- Ohh, man.
- Hey, boys! Just caught us farming.
- Hey.
You, uh, singing lullabies for your chickens, Mrs.
Young? It's actually Levine-Young, so I go by Mrs.
- I've seen you before.
- Oh, sure.
I used to come out here a bunch when I was a kid.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Maggie was my aunt.
This here's Short Shorts.
- No way.
- I remember that butt! - What-what's "Short Shorts"? - Oh, it's nothing, it's nothing.
When I was younger, I used to wear shorts that, apparently, - some felt were too short.
- Yeah.
Too short? Well, I saw this monstrosity here on your property, so I thought I'd bring the boys by to check it out.
- Well, this is called a chicken tractor.
- Mm Looks like it was built by the chickens.
Is that the door from Rudy's outhouse? Joke's on you.
Rudy doesn't use an outhouse.
He's He's using our bathroom pretty, pretty often.
- A lot.
- Anyways, this door is great 'cause we can put the feed in without lifting up the whole coop.
And look, the birds, they look healthy.
Oh, look at this one here.
Oh, yum! Somebody shove her in a fryer.
Mae? That's Mae.
Yeah, she-she's a cardio nut.
Yeah, you got all these parts hanging out the bottom.
Oh, if this guy's so obsessed with parts hanging out the bottom, maybe you should get into some short shorts.
- Oh.
Oh, I can picture it.
- That was very good.
- Thank you.
- Play it cool.
Play it cool.
Good one.
When Beau brought up Short Shorts, I thought, "Oh, my goodness, this is gonna be my identity - here forever.
" - No.
- But, you know, the other guys - Yeah.
I think they were seeing me as an equal.
How long do you think that you're gonna be in with the Coffee Boys? Ooh, well, I-I'd hate to put a time limit on bonding, but - Yeah, absolutely.
- Oh, and speaking of bonding, uh, you're spending a lot of time with the chickens.
Uh, you called me Priyanka last night in bed.
Well, at least I didn't call you Courtney.
Well, we would've had a fight then.
I know, because Courtney sucks.
- Yeah.
- What is that? I mean, even, like, her cluck.
- Mm.
- Her cluck sucks.
- She's so uppity.
- How can a cluck suck? - Such a condescending cluck.
- I know! - [CLUCKS.]
- That's exactly what it is.
- Yes! I guess I do need to have some human friends.
- We all do.
- It's like, I feel like it's, like, I have Constance, kind of, but, like, anytime I ask her questions or whatever, she's like She's like, "Oh, you know.
" You know? And I'm like, "No, I-I don't.
" - Right.
- Like, I don't know.
I would love to-to know.
- It sucks.
- I'm gonna go hang with my boys.
Sweetie, did you, did you, like, iron-press that shirt? You've never done that for me.
Well, you're already my friend.
- That's true, we're really, like - I don't want to be late.
Okay, goodbye.
Bye, have fun.
- Oh, good morning, Constance.
- Hey.
Hey, wow, it's really good to see you.
You look great.
Tell me everything.
Oh, you know.
Do, I do Um, well, um, you know, me, on this end, gosh, it's just been, like, chickens, chickens, chickens around the clock.
One of them really reminds me of my mom.
Speaking of moms, what's the deal with your mom? Like, what was she like? Oh, you know.
- Constance, hey! Oh, hi, Miss Kay! - That bulk rice come in yet? - Yeah, it's over there.
So, Jacob, how is that Future Farmers of America project going? I raised 250 chickens, and I only lost 4.
One walked right into my barn fan.
It was - It was messy.
- Oh.
I had to throw out my pants.
We're very excited about his presentation.
But all of a sudden, Mr.
Big Man here doesn't want me cutting his hair anymore.
Everyone else is going to have real haircuts and look swag as hell.
Sorry, but that's what people say now.
No, they don't.
Who says that? The cool people on the Internet.
Well, his mother has perfectly good scissors, and he wants to go the two hours to Lincoln? [SCOFFS.]
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, if you cut it short on the side, you'd probably get those cheekbones to pop.
Please don't look at my son's cheekbones.
Mom, everyone else is gonna have cheekbones that pop right out of their face! Well, you can pop yours right back in, mister.
No, I'm gonna sit there, and they're gonna be like, "Oh, there's Jacob, and he has no cheekbones.
" You can see your cheekbones fine.
I don't know why taking a little bit of hair off is gonna help anything.
Whew! You can see the kind of morning I'm having.
How are you? I found mold on the lumber.
- Ohh, geez.
- Oh.
Well, we'll get out of your hair.
- Can you throw that on our tab? - Yes, ma'am.
- Thanks.
- Mrs.
- Bye, Kay.
Wait, sorry.
Like, what was that? Why, Why'd you tell her about the mold on your lumber and you didn't tell me about that? Well, you were talking about chickens and your mama.
Was I talking too much? What? We're thinking we're gonna sell the meat and use the profits for that to buy more chickens and just keep that do-si-do going until we've got a yard full of chickens, fertilizing away.
Well, what are you waiting for? Those birds are ready to be slaughtered.
Who do you guys use for the-the slaughtering? - What? - [LAUGHTER.]
Who do we use? What, do you want somebody else to do it? You're gonna pay somebody else? [LAUGHTER.]
KENT: No, Mike.
No, no, no, Mike.
With that few, it's just best if you do it yourself.
D-Do it myself? Uh If you're not gonna talk, it doesn't mean you can start getting handsy with the cans.
Oh, I was just rearranging, 'cause you had, like, the fishing tackle right by the candy, and I was like, "Oh.
Maybe we should take the candy and" No, no, no, no, no.
- That, I just thought - No.
- No.
- The licorice stays.
- It's for a man.
- Wait, what? Who? Oh, you know I swear to God, if you give me an "oh, you know" right now, it's like a dagger through my heart.
Please don't "oh, you know" me right now.
Please? Fine.
There's this man that comes in here every day, and he buys one piece of licorice - Just one? - when clearly it's five for a dollar.
Yeah, it's five for a dollar.
And he's been doing this for over a year.
Is it Rudy? Ohh! Let's get into it! So I just, uh I just kill 'em? Use a cone.
Less flapping, less yapping.
Get the cone, hatchet, pop the chicken's head right in there.
Chop, boom, done.
Chop, boom, done.
Well, not really done.
I mean, there's gonna be some twitching for a while.
- Kind of like it's dancing.
- Oh.
A violent, involuntary dance.
And the beauty of it is, once you're done with that, you get a whole new batch, you do it all over again.
How do you How do you describe it, Ray? An endless cycle of death.
Rudy's the type of man that always makes sure that you have good air pressure in your tires.
I don't know how to drive and I've never had a car, but I get it.
And he knows 50 or 60 wild bird calls.
- What? - Yeah, come on, now! That totally seems like something essential for a strong relationship.
He's like He's like a big, tall, male Snow White.
I love that.
Ugh - What's wrong? - Oh, Rio, who am I kidding? He probably still sees me as Morris' wife.
Everybody else does.
What, M-Morris died, what, six years ago now? [SIGHS.]
I haven't flirted with a man in 40 years.
I wouldn't even know what to do.
You know, I mean, I-I could break out - my hula hoop.
- This is where I shine.
I mean, I was voted biggest flirt in my high school, and it wasn't even my high school.
You know what I'm saying? So, you got to just let me - [BELL JINGLES.]
- Hey, honey.
Yeah, no, I'm just talking to my friend, so I'll, like, see you back at the house, okay? So That's great.
And, you know, t-take your time coming home.
- Okay.
- A-and when you do, just remember we love each other.
I love you, too - Okay.
- Okay.
Um, so, listen.
You have to ask questions, be curious with each other, and get to the why.
- Oh! It's Rudy.
- Oh! - Well, um, all right.
Morning, Constance.
Morning, Rudy.
Oh, licorice today? Yes, ma'am.
Uh, do you even like licorice? I mean, you drive this long way for one piece when it's five-for-a-dollar deal.
You're right.
I'll take you up on that five-for-a-dollar deal I was previously unaware of it.
I-I didn't mean that - I didn't mean - You know what? I'll take me a whole bag.
A whole bag? No, two.
You know what? Give me five.
I guess with all this licorice, I won't be I won't be seeing you for a while.
I guess not.
You take care, Constance.
I'm fine.
That did not go the way that I thought it would.
- Connie, I'm sorry.
- Just go.
- Just leave.
Goodbye to you, my trusted friend [CHICKEN CLUCKING.]
Come on, Mike.
You're a farmer now.
- You eat chicken all the time.
Chop, boom, done.
Well, I really want the last thing you hear to be beautiful.
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees [CLUCKING.]
Mee-yike! It's hard to die [CLUCKING.]
- What? Did you just say my name? [CLUCKING.]
Mee-yike! - Are you saying "Mike?" - Mike! What are you doing?! - Huh? - What are you doing?! - I - What is the matter with you? What Okay.
The Coffee Boys told me I have to kill them myself.
I mean, Kent even gave me his cone.
What? Why would you need a cone? To-to put the head in and stabilize the neck for ch - I couldn't get the head in there! - Oh, my God! Mike, who are you?! Cones?! Cones are for ice cream, for happy times.
Honey, I have to kill them tonight.
I told the guys I was gonna do it tonight.
This is about you and Short Shorts, isn't it? - No, no, no, no, no.
- You're afraid of being that person.
- This has nothing to do - You want to be Mr.
, like, with Shorts Shorts.
If we don't kill it tonight, - then when are we gonna kill it? - Cool Coffee Boys guy.
You know what, honestly, I have destroyed two people today, and I need to talk to Rudy and make things right.
Please hold Priyanka kindly and try not to murder her, okay? Because if she's not here when I get back, I will put your head in the cone.
Mom, I cleaned the barn.
Can I go play now? Ooh, what's up, guy? Welcome to Floyd's.
You gonna look swag as heck when I get done with you, boy.
Just like the other hype-beasts.
Hoo-hooo! - Are you wearing my jeans? - Yep.
They're kind of tight, which is hard, you know, hard for me.
Mom, what, what's happening? Well, I can't take you the two hours to Lincoln, so I'm bringing Lincoln to you.
Uh, what if my haircut doesn't look like the kids who actually, you know, did go to Lincoln? The little boy whose hair I cut in this very kitchen didn't care what those other kids thought.
You're Jacob Bowman! Who else in the world can say that? Grandpa? Just sit down and let me cut your hair.
This is a magic moment, and you're - crapping all over it.
Oh! Start with a scalp massage.
RIO: Good morning.
Hey, Theresa.
- I wouldn't.
- Okay.
I brought you some coffee here.
Oh, Rudy.
Listen Anything that's happened between you and Constance is solely my fault.
- What's done is done.
- Well, things can be undone.
I mean, you know, I had bangs for a whole summer, and look at me now.
Just long layers.
It took me a year to get this far with Constance.
It's gonna take me 10 years to get back.
10 years? Rudy, go back to the store, buy some more licorice.
Come on.
And have her think I ate five bags of licorice in one day? She'd think I was a man consumed by my own basest instincts.
What if someone came into your barn, and they started taking your licorice? - Give me that.
- Rudy, what would you have to do if you, all of a sudden, had none licorice? With Constance? Oh, you're a clever one.
So, look, I'm taking all your candy.
Careful, I may have to get one of my guns.
You have You have guns? How many guns do you have? You mean loaded and nearby? Yeah, you know what? We don't even have to get into it.
- It's not something that I want to - Four.
- Great.
It's - I got Betsy - Okay - Timothy - I don't need to - Maclovio - H-honestly, it's good.
- And Jessica.
MIKE: Now, this is a cacao almond creamer.
It's soy-free and dairy-free.
Oh, Mike, this is wonderful.
You kill those chickens yet, Mike, or did they spend the night braiding your wife's hair? [LAUGHTER.]
Actually, the chickens are dead.
I killed them all.
Just lined 'em up and coned 'em.
Coned 'em good.
Well, then I'd like to buy some chicken meat.
Oh, yeah.
Nothing sweeter than a neighbor's meat.
I don't think he actually slaughtered those chickens, Kent.
I think Mike is lying to us.
How many you want? - One's fine.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you like that chicken in a bag, or you want me to slap it raw into your hand? I think it goes without saying.
You don't slap anything raw into my hand.
But I can come by now and get it.
That all right? [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Honey.
- Yeah? I think I fixed everything with Rudy.
Oh, cool, cool.
So, uh, I told the Coffee Boys I killed the chickens.
- What?! - And Beau's on his way over to buy a chicken from us, like, now.
- Like now, now? - Okay, all right, listen.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
You were right.
I was trying to fit in, I wanted them to forget about Short Shorts, but I don't think you understand just how short these shorts were.
- They They called a town meeting.
- Oh.
- Because it was the '90s, so - Wait, it was the '90s? - Yes, I was deep into my teens.
- Okay.
- These shorts were incredible.
- They were? The way they made my thighs feel It was I just felt powerful.
- Ooh, okay.
- I could just jump over anything - You could.
You still can.
- It was just so - But I can't be that guy anymore.
- No.
And if I can't kill all these chickens, I'm done.
- They're gonna give me a new nickname.
- Ah! It's gonna be even worse than Short Shorts! Oh, God, it's gonna be, like, Chicken Bitch or something like that.
Yes, of course, Chicken Bitch! That's exactly right.
I got it.
I think I know exactly what to do.
- Ah.
- But I want you to calm down.
You're gonna kill the chickens for me? - Thank you.
- No, sweetie, no.
- What? - God, no.
We're gonna hide them in the house.
- In the house.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Beaks to tail, beaks to tail.
- Come on, in the house.
- Look, she just pooped herself.
- I don't speak chicken.
- Don't make me regret not killing you.
- Hey, Courtney! This is not always about you and what you want.
Okay, up, up, up, up the stairs.
- Come on, Sinead, Solange.
- Make 'em go down.
Malala, Kamala, all the Malalas and the Lalas.
Up, up, up.
Go down, down, down.
No, no, down, down, down.
- You're confusing them.
They're here.
- Okay, listen.
- All of you, be quiet! - Shh! - Especially you, Courtney.
- Ah! Be a team player for once in your life.
Listen to your father! - Hey.
- Hey, the Coffee Boys are here.
The Coffee Boys? - Oh, nothing.
That's a - Is that Nothing.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Here for my chicken.
- Of course.
- Oh, well, of course.
Yes, yes, yes.
Here's your your chicken.
- Chicken in a bag.
- As you wish.
Well, I'll be damned.
I did not believe you.
I had this visual of you among them, sobbing, crying, and then coming out and lying to us about it.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Water over a bridge.
Or under it.
- You know, just depends.
- Either/or, you can say it.
It's water under the bridge.
I say "over," but some people are saying "under.
" - Yeah, whatever.
We all do it.
- Doesn't matter.
- Yeah, anyway.
- Anyways, have a great one.
- Yeah, have a beautiful evening.
- You might want to think about doing, like, a salt-and-pepper dry rub - on that.
- What's in your window? - My what? Excuse us? - [CHICKEN CLUCKS.]
Did you give me a frozen chicken? Hon, did you give him a frozen chicken? Oh, my God, great, the cops are here.
Well, it's just Connie.
She's Hiya.
Rudy, do you see the woman that stole all your licorice? Yes, it was the Rio one.
Miss Rio, come with me.
No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
You're not really gonna arrest her.
It worked, Rio.
I did exactly what you said.
- Come on, girl.
- This is not what I meant, Rudy.
- Come on, Missy.
- I'll call an attorney.
- Ow.
I'll call our attorney.
- Honey, look behind you.
- What? Chickens.
Oh! Um uh [LAUGHING.]
Oh, well Well, I know what this probably looks like, but, uh, this is a totally different group of chickens.
So Thanks for stopping by, guys.
Have a good one.
I waive my right to remain silent.
- I figured.
- Listen, I'm so sorry about the Rudy thing.
I Constance, I was trying to be your friend, - a-and - Rio, I used to talk to chickens, too.
- You did? - I had full conversations - and everything.
- They're good listeners, right? You know, when Morris and I moved here after we got married, you know, he always worked at the store, and - Yeah - the chickens were my confidants.
- Yeah, I get it.
- You know? But then something happened.
What, you lied to everyone that you killed them and then everyone found out and it was a whole mess? - No.
- Okay.
I learned that people will come to you in their own time.
There's not a whole lot of people here in Bucksnort.
And if you don't kill anyone, you might make some friends.
Honestly, even then.
Got it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll take it slow.
And, um I'm really sorry about the Rudy thing.
I won't bring him up again.
I like talking about Rudy.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I can tell you do.
- Yeah, he's he's pressing charges against you, so you'll have a rap sheet, and I'll get to spend - another hour taking his statement.
- Oh.
- That's a That's the upside.
Uh, Jacob, thank you so much for taking our chickens with yours.
I mean, I do feel somewhat better knowing that they're not gonna be processed alone, you know? Please, I love to help, okay? And if slaughtering is involved, even better.
Am I right? Oh, oh! You want to see my cheekbones pop? Yeah, sure.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh.
- Okay.
That's a - Oh Yes.
- abrupt cut.
- Very blunt.
I-I know it's not as fancy as those other kids' haircuts, but who cares what people think? I'm Jacob Bowman.
- Who else in the world can say that? - My dad.
Let's go.
I can't watch.
Mike, Mike, they know it.
They know what's happening to them.
Look in their eyes.
I can see it.
Oh, my God.
- Ah, damn it! - Yeah? - We had joy, we had fun - Oh! - We had seasons in the sun - Stop! Beau! - Whoo! Go get our girls! - Beau! Stop! I want my chickens back.
- What? - I want my chickens back.
I want my chickens back.
I changed my mind, okay? I'm not like you, Beau.
You can make fun of me.
You can call me Chicken Bitch.
- What? - But I love these chickens.
I love every single one of 'em.
I like Priyanka's whimsy.
I like Nora's strength.
I like Trixie's majestical glare.
And I'll even find something to like about Courtney.
Good lord, boy.
- Take 'em! - Yeah? Okay.
Girls, I'm coming! Daddy's coming! Well, we couldn't tell which ones were ours, so we just bought 'em all.
RIO: This is definitely a Halle.
This is a Brigitte, obvious I mean, that's obvious.
But that's a Halle.
That's a Naomi.
You can dress her up all you want, but she'll never be a lady.
Oh, my goodness.
Hon! What? This is why Courtney was being such a jerk.
- Look at that.
- Oh, my gosh! What a beautiful, beautiful genius.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, there's two of 'em! - She's a prodigy.
- She had twins.
Okay, is it possible they didn't know where eggs came from before this? Think about it.
We're sitting on a gold mine.
This is incredible.
MIKE: Girl? Yeah? - Somebody ordered the prime rib? - This girl.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
They are th so small.
They do something to me where I just feel so confident.
Can you bend down in those? Premium, Grade A.
Oh, my God.