Bless This Mess (2019) s02e11 Episode Script

The Letter of the Law

1 MIKE: Did I leave some of the groceries on the roof? RIO: Oh, that was the sound I heard when we drove away.
Oh, look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey, Deb.
- Mail call! - Yes! [GASPS.]
Oh, my gosh.
I knew it.
This is Sierra's wedding invitation.
We were waiting for this for a long time, and - Oh.
Wait a minute.
- Oh.
Looks like it's been, uh, opened.
Deb, why is there tape here? Your hair is attached to this tape.
Did you open this? No, of course not.
My hair's more lush than that.
- So Yeah, well, it's - So, Sierra, is that one of your fancy friends from New York? Oh, well, she's not that fancy.
She's not that fancy.
Sierra? Well, her family owns a couple skyscrapers - in Midtown Manhattan.
- Yeah, but she's very down to Earth.
- She's very cool.
- Well, didn't Richard Branson taught her dad how to hang glide.
- That feels - But she she sends all of her old artwork to impoverished countries.
She loves to take care of animals.
- Yeah, she's got well - Her horses, yeah.
In the sense that she has horses, yeah.
She has horses.
But she's great.
She's amazing.
You love her, right? I love h-how much you love her.
I'd love an invite to a wedding in Iceland.
- How'd you know it was in Iceland? - Yeah, how do you know it was in Iceland? You opened this.
You opened this.
Too bad you guys can't afford to go.
How would you know whether or not we could afford to go? Don't forget your, uh Your bank statement.
I got to rush.
I got a lot of mail to deliver.
tape all over it, as well.
- So, she's gone through this.
- There's tape on this? Ahhh, I'm just really dreading, [SIGHS.]
telling Sierra that we can't go to her wedding because of money.
- Sure.
- You know, I feel like she's gonna use that tone that's gonna make me feel guilty - that I left her in New York.
- Ugh - Hey.
- Mm? Hey.
Jacob, I want you to try the rapini frittata.
It's a rapini frittata.
- I want you to try it.
It's rapini.
- Okay.
I'll try the rapini.
Stop playing with your rapini.
Jacob, as long as you're living under my roof, until your parents get back, I want you to eat the food I put down in front of you.
You're not my dad.
You can't tell me what to do.
- Hey.
- But you're a great mother, Rio.
You're very attentive and very supportive and kind.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Jacob, we've talked about this.
I-I would prefer for you to not watch me while I eat.
It's just very laser-focused.
Look at that.
Oh, look.
- There we go.
It's Sierra.
I am gonna answer it because she's at Art Basel, and there's a small window of time before she gets on a plane to Hong Kong, so Oh, well, that's a dilemma everyone can relate to, yeah.
- Hey, girl! Oh, my God.
Hello! - Wha-a-a-a-t?! - What's up, girl? Okay, wait, so, did you get the invitation? Are you kidding me? How could I miss it? - It was amazing.
- Oh, my God.
Who are you gonna take as your plus-one? Just kidding.
Hi, Mike! I would laugh harder at that if you hadn't tried to break us up in the past - 'cause I was too nice.
- No Well - I stand by everything I said.
- He's more than nice.
- As do I.
- No, we're best friends.
- No, you guys love each other.
Stop it.
Listen, um I-I do need to talk to you in the spirit of kind of our forever transparency with each other.
I Mike and I cannot come to your wedding.
What? Why? Is this about money? Because I'm We'll cover you.
It's literally just money.
It's not about money.
No, we have so much money.
You know, we came out here as an agricultural experiment, and it turns out, we're, like, killing it! And that's why we have to To stay here.
I mean, I'm I'm devastated.
- [SIGHS.]
- I know.
Uh No, I'm, like, physically in pain and emotionally in pain and, like, this is Must be what death feels like.
No, I literally have, like, lacerations - all over my heart right now.
- Like, I don't know what to do.
- Okay, well, I got to go.
- Okay.
I'm insanely in love with you, girl.
I am idiotically, irrationally, - and violently in love with you.
- Oh, my God.
I am, like, ferociously in love with you.
Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Sorry, hon.
I-I could tell that was hard.
I'm upset.
I feel like it would be really irresponsible to just, like, fly to Iceland for a wedding right now.
- Sure.
- I just feel - Forlorn? - Jacob, why don't you, um run up to your bedroom and And get a little screen time? Okay.
I'm gonna go watch bar-fight videos on my phone.
Oh, great.
Send me the good ones.
- Okay! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
RUDY: Hello, my dearest Constance.
May I please purchase these blooms to give you as a floral apology for committing insurance fraud and arson years ago? You mean when I found out that you had burned your farm down to the ground for the insurance money? Rudy, this is not easy for me.
I mean, I-I represent law and order in this town.
I-I-I just need to think about this, okay? I-I-I need I need space.
How much space? An arm's length? If so, whose? Bigfoot's arm or a baby's arm? Well, the amount of space that I need, Rudy, is is more.
Yeah, it's just more.
I understand.
But please don't begrudge this criminal a few stolen glances.
How long's he been sitting there? JACOB: All morning.
Constance asked for space.
- Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Yeah.
How you doing, bud? Quiet.
Dirt time.
D-Dirt time? It's when I stare at the dirt and contemplate how the universe started as dust and will end as dust.
I find it quite soothing.
Well, look, I know exactly how you feel, and I can help.
Yeah, I know exactly how you feel, and I can help.
Thank you, Jacob.
I'm sure Rudy feels very comforted by the promise of your wisdom.
Now, Rudy, believe it or not, Rio asked me for space once.
Her girlfriend Sierra was kind of meddling in our relationship, and she was trying to break us up.
Wait, wait.
Is that why you don't want to go to Sierra's wedding? Okay, this is none of your concern.
If it involves your wife, it is.
So, Rudy, you got to make Constance think you're fine.
I'm not fine.
I'm wildly depressed.
You don't have to actually feel fine.
You just have to pretend you're fine, and then Constance thinks you're okay without her.
Then your stock goes way up.
Way up.
So, what are you suggesting? Well, right off the bat, I think a shower would be step 1.
Okay, you know what? Don't listen to him.
Rio almost dumped his butt.
My butt? - Dump-free - Okay.
Now, she almost dumped me, but she didn't, because I did exactly what I'm advising Rudy to do.
If you want Miss Connie back, you got to do something cray-cray-romo.
L-Let the adults talk, Jacob.
It means, "Crazy, Crazy Romantic.
" Make a big gesture.
Sweep her feet.
I think you mean "sweep her off her feet.
" No, Mike.
I mean "sweep her feet.
" If you sweep her off her feet, she could fall down and get hurt.
If you want Miss Connie back, just think of the most romantic thing in the world and then times it by a million.
I'm hitching my wagon to the golden eagle.
- Ooh! - Which The golden eagle is I'm the golden eagle, right? - Yes.
- Oh, come on! Sorry, bud.
Deb is resealing our envelopes with tape.
- Rio - Like, not even hiding it.
- Yeah, I was like - Rio, I have so much on my mind.
This is how a small town works, okay? People gon' They gon' know your business.
Just get with it.
Mm, I Okay.
Is this because you can't go to your best friend's wedding and the fact that your ass is just stone-cold broke? No, I think I mean See, this is what I'm talking about.
Like, why do you know that? All of our information is so compromised in this day and age that I feel that the mail is, like, the last refuge of privacy that we have.
- Hey, Rio.
- Hey.
I heard your finances are a real fart in the wind.
- What Thank you, Linda.
Brandon's Squatty Potty came in.
- Hi.
- We've got one of those.
They're great.
I don't have to sit on Kent's stomach and bounce anymore.
Deb, if I could just say, opening mail is a-a federal crime.
Federal crime, I think? Back me up on that.
Uh, yeah, technically, it's illegal.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, thanks so much.
Yeah, no, I appreciate the feedback.
I do.
And I won't open anybody's mail anymore.
- Thank you.
- Okay? I feel very seen and heard, and I appreciate that so much.
- Good.
- Are you warm? - Deb, what are you doing? - Deb.
Well, since I'm doing it all wrong, I'm just gonna stop delivering your mail.
- O-Oh.
- So I quit.
- Deb, you - Please don't quit.
- Well, too late now.
- That's not the intention.
And please don't take your pants off.
Oh, no, no, I'm not gonna take my pants off.
I've broken a lot of hearts in these shorts.
Well, I-I - Toodle-oo.
- Deb.
Talk to the hand, 'cause Deb is done! I'm keeping the hat! [GRUNTING.]
- Man.
Hey, Connie.
- Missy, how you doing? - I'm alright.
I You know what? I am so sorry about how that went down yesterday.
I feel like Deb, she's gonna figure out she needs a paycheck, and then you won't have to be delivering - the mail all over the place anymore.
- Yeah you damn straight I won't, 'cause you are.
Yeah, right.
What? You want me to deliver the mail? You break it, you buy it.
- What? What did I break? - Deb.
- I broke Deb? - You broke Deb.
Come on, now.
That's ridiculous.
I might've hurt her feelings, and I do feel bad for that.
I don't think I'm the only one that doesn't want the whole town to know that, you know, they buy acid-reflux pills in bulk.
Why don't you ask them while you're delivering their mail? Connie, I don't have a driver's license.
But you got a bike.
I know it looks badass and everything - but it is a cruiser.
Hey It's not all-terrain.
It doesn't even have gears.
Oh, oh, by the way, I got a bowling ball coming in the mail tomorrow.
- Wow.
- Alright, girl, you can do it! C-Connie.
- Connie! You look like a million bucks, Rudy.
What do you think of the hair? I still think it needs more volume.
Well, I think if we go any bigger, it's gonna collapse like a soufflé.
Hey, Mr.
Rudy, I washed all your clothes, but now they're just, like, a big, matted ball of yarn.
Tell you what.
I've got a pretty sweet collection of threads, if you'd like to borrow something.
No, thanks, Mike.
Your style's bogus.
You could wear my high school football jersey.
That's a lot of horsepower.
Do I have the stones to pull that off? What about my sunglasses? These are fire.
Oh, that's a big, big swing, Jacob.
Oh, my goodness! Rudy! - You look amazing.
- It's the mirroring - and the and the red lenses.
- Yeah - Well, the aerodynamics are so - They're slimming, too.
Can you give us a "Hang loose" in those? - This guy's chill to the max! - Wow! Mike, you know what? If you had a pair of those, maybe Rio wouldn't be trying to break up with you all the time.
Well, that's Aw, man! Ohh! Oh, God! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Hi.
Mail c Oh.
Okay, well, did I get anything important? - What does it say? Fabian! - [SNAPS FINGERS.]
I did not open and read your mail.
Isn't that refreshing? Or I got to read my own mail now? No, just, um, g-give me the coupons.
- Yes, coupons.
Just Coupons? - This might - I don't know.
This might be it.
- Okay! That's it! Do you want this coupon? Do you want this? - [BARKING, GROWLING.]
- It's gonna bite me! Just make kissy noises.
- Mm-mwah-mwah.
No, it's not working.
- Hey! Rio! - Hey! What the hell are you doing here? Oh, you know, I'm just filling in for Deb, - so here you go.
- Oh Oh.
- Okay.
- Heavier than usual.
That's because I didn't eat any of the chocolates inside.
- I just - Oh, well, you got to have one.
They are divine! I'm good on chocolates, but let me just ask you a question.
Do you have water? Just a glass of water? Mudslides are all I got.
Oh, is that a alcoholic beverage? Excuse me.
Uh, what about in your faucet? Hey, Theresa, can I just Do you have a hose? Do you have a hose? So, what, I just walk up to Connie and say, "Hey, biotch.
Enjoying the view?" - Yeah, that's good.
- No, no, no, no.
We're not even gonna talk to Connie, okay? We're just gonna be out here, living our best lives, having some fun.
If word gets back to her we're having a blast, bonus.
Runnin' hot, runnin' cold I was runnin' into overload Somehow the wires uncrossed - Go! - Alright, hey, hey! Ohhh! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes - Yeah! Just three guys killin' it! - Yeeeeeeeeah! - Yeah! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh! I've tidied up my point of view I got a new attitude I'm in control, my worries are few MIKE: These are old-school, Rudy.
Try to keep up, buster.
Wait! Ohhhhhhh! JACOB AND MIKE: Go, Rudy! Go, Rudy! Go, Rudy! [CHUCKLES.]
- Brand-new ideals - Ohhh! - [WHISTLES.]
- Hoo-hoo-hoo! JACOB AND MIKE: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! - [LAUGHING.]
Yeaaaah! - Whooooo! - RUDY: Hey, Connie! - [CHEERING.]
- I'm a caboose! - What the hell? Toot, toot! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
My scalp feels electric.
This wind has given my hair just the volume it needed.
So, how much longer are we doing this? Well, we We could call it for today.
You mean there's more than one day to this? - Yes.
- Why is this just being clear to me now? You think they did the Sistine Chapel in an afternoon? - What's that? - Tell me more about this Tony Romo method.
Yeah, the results are instantaneous.
- Sold.
- Listen, you cannot rush something like this.
You got to trust me.
I've been in your exact shoes.
Your plan is bupkis.
I need results.
Jacob, read me in.
It's simple.
You just have to do something crazy romantic.
So, when me and Janine had our fight, I baked myself into a 10-foot cake, and then I popped out with a handful of rubies, right? - And she was like - That n That never happened.
But I did cover her window in post-Its with hearts on them, and then she let me borrow her sweater.
You cannot be serious about Jacob.
He can't eat a Fruit Roll-Up without turning it into a mask.
You can't be married to Rio without her dumping you all the time.
Quiet, you two jackals! Mike, you're out.
Jacob, you're in.
You're making a very, very bad decision.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Ye Ohh! It's not even that good.
Anyway You know, I've never seen Rudy so happy.
And he looked like a slut.
If he thinks acting like a third-grader is gonna help his cause, he's sorely mistaken.
So, you're not even turned on? Like, just not even a little? Come on.
All that man on top of those tiny, little wheels? I'd hit that.
I'd hit that hard.
And Kent would want to watch, too.
I did it! I delivered the mail to the whole town without reading their private correspondences, per the law.
Rio, we didn't think you could do it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
You really did a really good - You're a real "Sully" Sullenberger.
- Okay.
Theresa had these beautiful chocolates.
She offered me them.
I was like, "Look, they're yours, girl.
- Private property.
" - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you j Are you joking? Why would Why is that funny? No, no, this is a total disaster.
- Why? - No, no, no.
Her husband's out of town.
That chocolate delivery came early.
And that means that she's just gonna be sitting at home by herself, watching her brand-new "NCIS" box set Seasons 11 through 15 And slinging back mudslides so that she doesn't have to think about the fact that they're three months behind on their mortgage.
- She's watching DVDs.
- This is a ba - Yeah.
- of TV shows still? Rio, she has type 1 diabetes, and she's terrible at managing it.
That's why I always drink half her mudslides and house her chocolates.
Add alcohol to the mix, she could be in diabetic shock! - I literally - We got to go.
Come on.
There's literally no way that I would've known that.
Because you don't look at her mail! - Come on.
Let's go.
We got to go.
- Rio.
We got to go.
Just There's no way You know, again, I just What the hell has happened to my car?! - Cray-cray-romo, my sweet.
- Rudy! - Poor timing, buddy.
- There's some secret notes inside, too.
- Go, Deb! Hurry! Just for now.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! - No, you don't want these to get out.
- They go inside with her, though.
- Well, I need to get in there.
- Why is it - No It'd be better Can't you fit in with the balloons? Oh, geez.
- Excuse me.
Thank you.
CONNIE: I'm just gonna gun it! [SIREN CHIRPS.]
- Is she okay? - Yeah, yeah.
- Is she okay? Is she alright? - She's okay.
When I got here, she was a little confused, and then I tested her blood glucose.
It was almost 400.
- Is that high? - Yeah, is that high? Is my husband, Kent, a perfect 10? Yeah.
Yeah, it's high.
But I gave her some insulin, so she should be fine in just a couple hours.
- Thank you, Deb.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I had got three episodes into my Navy crime show.
Suddenly, everything got blurry.
Oh, yeah.
Well, no problem, T-Dawg.
- You know what? From now on, I'm gonna make sure that I intercept all of your chocolates with cream centers.
Theresa, I'm s-so, so sorry I didn't open your mail and eat your chocolates.
I Rio, I open people's mail because I care about them.
That and because it's fun to do bad stuff.
Well, see Yeah.
Deb has pulled a lot of asses out the fire, haven't you? Yeah.
So much ass.
So much Oh, Clara, if she gets even one more letter from T.
That's her prison pen pal She's gonna marry him.
So, I just A-are are those usually the envelopes with the "Nebraska State Penitentiary" and all the, like, snake doodles on them? I-I did deliver that.
We got to go to Clara's.
We got to get to Clara's.
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay, call us if you need us.
Come on, come on, come on! Not on my watch, woman.
Not happening today.
No more.
I should've stuck with your plan, golden eagle.
I couldn't pretend to be fine when I'm feeling like this.
You know, honestly, Rudy, I-I didn't do such a good job, either.
When Rio asked me for space, I just stopped showering, and then I took to telling people that I just cooked fish.
Quickly devolved into me endlessly weeping and listening to every voicemail she'd ever left me.
Until I accidentally called her.
She was embarrassed for me, thank goodness, and took me back.
Well, at least she came back.
The only thing that matters is love.
Not money, not power, not fashion, - hair volume, allergies - Totally.
status, platinum and other precious metals, pleasures of the flesh, corn, beans shoe size, shoe comfort, the ability to hear enemies approaching.
Kind of losing the thread now.
The point is, Mike, if Rio wants to move to the North Pole, you go buy some long underwear.
If she wants to switch to a raw, all-squid diet, you smile and start sucking down tentacles.
If she wants to go to her best friend's wedding in Iceland, you pretend you don't despise that best friend, you get on the first plane.
You do whatever you can to make that woman happy.
Rudy, I asked you for space, and you you filled my car with balloons.
Constance, I need to know where I stand.
Respectfully, I'd like an answer.
I mean, send me to Heaven or to Hell, but I can't live like this in limbo.
You opened my heart to love.
But when it comes down to it, Rudy, I [SCOFFS.]
I am a lawman, and you are an outlaw.
I set those fires years ago.
It's just that we are too different.
I'm a desert breeze.
You're bedrock.
Solid, sturdy, and painful to walk on.
But at the end of the day, we both know that rocks stay put and winds are meant to blow.
- You're breaking up with me, right? - [SIGHS.]
That's not what I want.
But it's what has to be.
'Til the wind stops blowing.
And this rock starts moving.
Guys, I'm I'm so sorry I'm still here.
I'm just gonna walk home.
I probably should've left a little bit ago.
Honey, I really want to tell you something.
- Okay.
What's wrong? - [SIGHS.]
I recognize how important Sierra's wedding is to you, and and if it would make you happy, I would sacrifice the farm and our financial future to make sure that you are at that obnoxious, self-indulgent, three-day destination wedding.
It doesn't matter that I blame her - for the month we broke up - Sh Yes.
or that I cannot connect with her on any real level.
- That's my stuff, and I'm I'm a - SIERRA: Good to know.
Hi, Mike.
The feeling's analogous.
- Oh, my goodness! Oh-ho! - It's okay.
Well, Rio told me the reason actuale you guys couldn't attend, and, listen, I totally comprehend what it feels like not having any money.
I mean, it's like being a kid in a candy store but you don't have a mouth.
Yeah, that that's exactly the - the same.
- You're hilarious.
Um, look, the important thing is that Rio is there.
And we will figure it out.
We'll make it work.
But the good news is that we don't have to go to Iceland.
- Great! Great.
- Yes! Because we are getting married at [SINGSONG VOICE.]
your farm! - [LAUGHS.]
- We're gonna do it here! - At our farm? - We're gonna do it here! Uh, h-here here with us? Lars and I were talking, and we were like, - "Everyone gets married in Iceland.
" - Yeah.
But no one gets married in Nebraska.
- Nobody does it.
- People are gonna freak.
- You're freaking? I'm freaking! - [CHUCKLES.]
- I, too.
I, too, am freaking.
- He's freaking! We're all freaking! Well, I got to go.
The march is about to start.
Love you! - See you on the big day! - Oh.
I love you.
Bye! Okay, but, like, upward strokes.
You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm not 20.
- We got to go up.
- Mm-hmm.
And, like, touch, but, like, not a lot of touch.
Deb, our mail is your mail.
I am so sorry that I was so hard on you before.
No, I get it.
I'd be cranky, too, if I had this much credit card debt.
Oh, well, you know, I think, compared to the average American, it's pretty low.
Yeah, in a way.
You're a little young to have dryness there.
Oh, that's just for the Don't I'm not embarrassed about that.
I'm so glad we can be friends, Rio.
Me, too.
Me, too.
I really am.
I'm gonna just run upstairs and take a quick look-see - in the medicine cabinet.
- You know what, Deb? I-I was wondering when you'd bump up against the line, but that was it.
We'll We'll keep you out of our bathroom.

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