Bless This Mess (2019) s02e12 Episode Script

Bunker Down

1 We're throwing a wedding for my wife's friend from New York.
But you don't really care about that.
- Thank you so much.
- Sure thing.
Honey, I think we need to really just start organizing - some of this inventory because - Sure, sure.
you know, Sierra's just got a very specific vision of what she wants, and I just I-I do want it to be perfect.
How much are we spending on this? Oh, we're not We're not spending.
- We're not? - Sh No, no.
She's paying for all of it, and she's actually giving us a little [CLICKS MOUTH.]
little bit of cheddar on the top.
I don't hate that, because, you know, - we could use the money.
- That's why we're trying to Yeah.
If she wants to spend a bundle on white tablecloths, - God bless her.
- White? Are they white? Yeah, it's white White tablecloth.
They're light cream.
Thank God.
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Okay, let's see what we got in here.
Oh, my goodness! We've got a light cream bunny.
Those should be white.
Those are white.
Oh, you're messing with me now.
- I'm messing with you to keep it light.
- Okay.
Hey, guys.
I finished folding all the napkins.
But I-I think that you're kind of wasting my strength.
I mean, I'm very strong.
You know what you could do is do some ironing for me.
- Yeah, you'd be great at that.
- I need you to do some ironing.
Give me the heaviest iron you have.
- Great.
That's awesome.
- Great job.
Oh, my God, Mike, she's here.
She's here! She's here.
Look who's here! Oh, my God.
- Bonjour and shalom, bitch! - Oh, my God.
- Woman! - I'm getting married! [BOTH SCREAM, LAUGH.]
I don't even know what they're talking about.
Do you think they're talking about me? - I do.
- No, that wouldn't make sense, right? - No, I think they are.
- You think they are? Yeah, your strength.
RIO: Right.
So, this is what I was thinking That we'd line up guests here and they would sort of sage you and Lars.
Saging's a little bit basic.
Yeah, that is basic.
So, maybe we won't do that, but like But I feel like no one's basic anymore.
- Yeah.
- Like, let's be basic.
Yeah, and so, I was thinking we should be basic.
- And so Yeah.
- God.
I mean, this place, it's just so It It's like - real.
- real.
- You know? - Yeah.
And, like, he's so American and cool.
- Oh, yeah.
- Jacob.
I'm Jacob.
Jacob, I love your outfit.
- Ja What What's happening? - It's Jacob.
You can just go with it.
- And this is Rudy.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Rudy, this is Sierra.
I think that you are the unkempt man who lives in the barn, right? You're the littlest person I've ever met.
- It's an honor.
- Okay, total sidebar Can I just say you have an exquisite body? You may.
I'm so glad someone finally said it.
I've been thinking it the whole time here.
- Guys.
- Hey.
Okay, this is the local ensemble team that is going to bring your wedding to fruition, and this is Sierra.
I am absolutely teeming with gratitude for your guidance and nourishment as I make this transition into my married life.
- Yeah.
- You know, my dear friend Marianne Williamson just said some wise words to me "Love is like a book, and I appreciate you helping me writing this next chapter.
" - That's really sweet.
- JACOB: Oh, wow.
This is why she's the best, you guys.
I follow you on Instagram.
You never respond to my messages.
Oh, I don't handle my messages.
You have to talk to Katsana about that.
Um, okay.
So, let's just do introductions.
Obviously, I'm Rio.
I'm the best friend.
I'm the wedding planner.
- I'm whatever mother of pigs.
- She does it all.
Should we Do you want to Clara, do you want to Um, I'm Clara.
I am a Pisces, and I will be making your 22-tiered wedding cake.
Um, did you So, 20 two-tiered cakes.
Yeah, we're saying the same thing.
I don't think we are.
So What did you say? - Twenty two - 22-tiered wedding cake.
And Jacob, you're on decor.
You're gonna be doing the thousand origami cranes.
If all I can do is fold paper, how come this? But you're good for origami cranes? Yeah, yeah.
I can fold the cranes.
Um, alright.
Here's another thing that we should discuss, which is the father-daughter dance.
Like, what do you want to do? It's obviously a unique situation.
You have two dads Daddy and Pop-Pop.
Like, do you want to dance with them at the same time? You know what? I am feeling I'm feeling a little deluged right now.
- Okay.
- You know? Why don't we open a bottle of champagne? Sure.
And so I feel like we should, like, finish the meeting first, right? And then we can do champagne? Ooh, sounds like Rio's putting the "snore" in "Bucksnort.
- KENT: She got That's - Okay, okay.
- Very funny.
- I love it.
- I love it.
- She's very funny.
Oh, hey, Brandon, where do you guys keep cannons for shooting, like, rose petals? Come on, man.
We don't even have shampoo.
- Oh.
- CONSTANCE: Brandon! Is that Mike? I need to talk to him.
Hey, bud, be careful.
She is on a war path right now.
She already ticketed three people for jaywalking.
We don't even have a crosswalk.
- Okay, okay.
- Mike.
I noticed that you placed a very large order of alcohol.
Now, you know you can't serve that at a wedding without a liquor license.
We don't need a license for that, do we? I mean, it's It's not on my list.
- Let me see that.
- Well, you know, I need that back.
Okay? So, you're having the wedding at Rudy's barn? Is he okay with that? - Yeah.
- They They're not speaking right now.
- Oh.
- Okay, we got butterflies no.
Fireworks nope.
I'm denying your wedding permit.
Wait, did we even apply for a permit? No.
Would you like one? Uh sure.
Denied! Okay, so, this clearly has something to do with the breakup.
- 100%.
- Yeah.
But I'm not gonna be the one to tell her.
- Are you kidding me? - Listen, I can't have your mom on full tilt for this wedding.
So, we've got to figure out how to cool things down between Constance and Rudy.
Yeah, we we just got to figure out a way to break the seal, right? - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Create some conversation.
- There we go.
- Help them move past this.
- Yes, and we got to fast-track it.
Brandon, watch the register.
- I'm gonna go tase someone.
- Alright.
Theresa, I know I've been getting a lot of comments on my body lately, but I'd appreciate your brutal honesty.
- You're just jealous.
- MIKE: Hey.
Rudy, I-I was hoping to talk to you for a second about Constance.
We had a clean break.
Cold turkey's the only way to stop anything.
Six years ago, I stopped making left turns.
Haven't done one since.
So, h-how then do you - Three rights, Mike.
- Fascinating.
Uh, just to bring it back to Connie, she asked i-if she could get a recipe from you.
What recipe? She knows the only thing I make is trail mix.
She wants to know your peanut-to-almond proportions.
So, uh, she's on her way - On her way now? - Yeah.
She'll be here.
- On her way.
- Maybe we could regroup in, like, 30 minutes? Great.
I look forward to telling her my nut ratio.
It's just You have a weird smile on your face.
- No, I really don't.
- Okay.
- Well, look I've got to find a place to rent a chuppah in Nebraska, which is quite a challenge, but I'll see you shortly? - Okay.
- Okay.
Wait, Rio, do you remember when we threw the rave in the Meatpacking District, and I got salmonella? - How could I forget? - Oh, my God.
We were rolling so hard.
It was ridiculous.
My God, are you guys talking about drugs? I lost my virginity on Ibuprofen.
Did you wait for it to kick in? I didn't think of that.
Are you guys carrying right now? Because, like, if you were to totally peer-pressure me, - I would do it.
- We're not doing drugs.
Okay, well, look, if you want to get a little loopy I have got some horse tranquilizers.
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh.
Kent coming in hot with suggestions.
You're not gonna like how they're administered.
Horse tranquilizers Oh, wait.
- Hey.
- What do you have? I have wedding planning.
Come on.
Can we focus on that later? - [MOCK SNORING.]
Come on, Rio.
You really have changed.
I mean, I'm telling you, she used to be fun.
You know? It's like downhill.
- Like, what happened? - I'm still fun.
- I still have fun.
I throw down.
I throw down a lot.
If you throw down, why don't we throw a par-tay tonight? - Oh.
- Like we used to, right? - Yeah, yeah.
- Totally debauched bacchanal.
- Oh, here? Here? - Like a full-blown rave.
- What do you think? Are you down? - I think I think yes.
Yes! Yes! Right? [ALL CHEER.]
- Annihilation! - Yes! - Take it down, take it down! - There we go.
There's the Rio I know! Yes! Yes! Get it! Yes, yes, yes! - Mm! - Oh.
Are you okay? It's just Uh Th There's a lot more in there than I imagined.
Brandon said that Rudy wanted me to meet him here because of what? W-What again? He saw a large naked man walking by, and he made a citizen's arrest, but the man escaped because he was covered in oil, and now Rudy wants to do a police sketch.
That's too much.
That's way too much.
W-W-Wait, wait, wait.
He said he was gonna be waiting for me here? Is that what you I don't see him.
That That could be my fault.
I-I might have got the time wrong.
But I'm sure he just stepped out for a second.
- He'll be right back.
- Yeah.
You know, this is such a waste of my time.
I could have been setting up a speed trap.
This is so stupid.
What the hell, Mike? Come on.
I held up my end of the bargain.
What's this? W-What is it What do you got on your neck here, Theresa? [THERESA BLEATS.]
"Sorry, but I can't talk to Constance.
I've gone into my underground bunker for two to five years, depending on how hungry I am.
Please take care of Theresa, and don't try to find me.
Love, Rudy.
" And then, I don't know, eight pages of goat care instructions.
"Drain glands at least three" No.
No, no, no.
I'm not draining any glands.
No, Mike.
We made this worse.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, it's much, much worse.
We have to find that bunker.
JACOB: And it's good! [CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I um clear some of this off, whatever that is? Yeah.
Ow! Aah.
I'm bleeding.
Aah, I guess paper really does beat rock.
Make sure you are banging back some electrolytes, okay? - Yeah.
- You're doing a lot of flexing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Holy smokes.
- Whoa.
Who's the lucky guy? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Me? Is it me? No, I know.
No, no.
So, Sierra called me a "Buck-Snore" - [LAUGHS.]
- and I mildly overreacted, and now we're throwing a small, but intimate rave in the barn.
And I hope Rudy doesn't mind, which I don't think he will.
- Do you think he'll mind? - I don't think he'll mind.
He is underground in his bunker somewhere on our property.
- He what? He's in He's in a what? - So I'm I'm trying to locate him.
Don't worry about it.
You know, worst-case scenario, we'll just we'll cancel the wedding.
We'll be able to see Rudy in two to five years.
What? You What do you mean the wedding is not - That's, like - Brandon and I are on it.
- Okay, so just - Okay.
'Cause, yeah, - enjoy your rave, honey.
- I'm trying to, like - Okay.
- You can get blackout drunk - and earn Sierra's respect back, but - Oh, well Watch out for Connie.
She's on the war path.
Well, nothing ever crazy happens in this town, so I think I'm good.
- Hey! - SIERRA: Rio! What a dope milieu! Yes.
Yeah, so dope! So dope! I love it! Rio, everyone has hands! - We - We all have hands! Yeah! I did drugs! [MAN RAPPING IN SPANISH.]
- Rio! - Oh, hi.
I just saw Rudy crawling on the ground like a cat.
What are you chewing? Clara, what are you chewing? I told you not to chew any more of those gummies.
Are you chewing those gummies? - Clara.
- Oh, I should take my top off.
No, I didn't say that.
You know what? Just stay with me here.
Now hold.
Look at this hand.
Stay with me.
You're watching my fist.
You're watching my fi Water.
- Wow! - Go and take it outside.
This is awesome.
Oh, God.
Who is that guy? I think he follows me on Insta.
- And that got him here somehow? - Eh, you know what? I posted about the barn, so maybe he saw my location tag.
Oh, wow.
- Oh, that's - Oh, my God.
- Come on, guys! - I-I Oh.
Another cow bone.
How many does that make? Enough to make nine full cows.
CONSTANCE: Whoop, whoop! Get your hands in the air and drop your bone! Hey, Ma.
I was just helping Mike mow his land.
Don't fix your mouth to lie when I got a megaphone in my hand.
What the hell is going on? Mike came up with some crazy idea about getting you and Rudy to talk.
But I said, "No, Mike.
That's not right.
This is none of our business.
" I W Really? Yeah.
Rudy went down into his bunker because I suggested that you guys have a conversation.
Rudy went into his bunker? Yes.
D Has he told you where it is? No, he didn't tell me.
Don't worry, Mom.
This is Mike's mess.
Just Mike.
But I'm-a help you fix it.
You are such a good son, Brandon.
We raised you right.
But you, on the other hand Why didn't you just leave us alone? Well, I would have loved to have left you alone, but one of you lives in my barn and mopes around all day long, and then I bump into you, and you've got a long face.
So I know this isn't going so well, you cutting him out of your life.
So, you're gonna force two adults who just broke up to be friends so that you can get out of getting a liquor license? When you phrase it that way, sure, it does sound a little insincere.
I-It's just awkward between us.
I-I don't even know how to be friends with him again.
Well, I do believe step one is extracting him from beneath the earth.
And then what? You take a little baby step, and then it leads to another, - and you move - Hey, I found something! Is it Rudy? [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS.]
S-Sierra, I wondered if you could just make, like, a really chill announcement, just telling people not to wreck the farm, mainly 'cause it's, like, my livelihood or whatever, and, you know, it just has gotten a little bit bigger than I initially thought it would.
Look, I'm sorry for putting the party on Instagram.
I just wanted my family to see me having a good time, and I thought they would change their minds about not coming to the wedding.
Uh, what? What do you mean, your family's not coming to the wedding? Daddy totally despises Lars.
Do you want more moonshine? No, I don't want more moonshine.
I want to talk to you about why Daddy doesn't want to come to your wedding.
Yes, but Kent's about to jump from really high up for no reason.
- Kent is what? - KENT: Who wants to see me jump, baby?! [ALL CHEERING.]
No, no! Not No, Kent! I need a landing zone! Get that hay in here! Sierra, Sierra, listen.
It's a really big deal, what you're saying.
I-I want to talk to you.
That's what I'm here for.
- MAN: Look! over here! - WOMAN: What is it? Oh, my God! Guys! Door in the floor! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- You're avoiding me right now.
MAN: Door in the floor! Door in the floor! [SWING MUSIC PLAYS.]
Barn man! - [ALL CHEER.]
What is it? More cow bones? It's Clarabones.
Clara, are you okay, girl? What Oh, yeah.
I ate all these gummies, and then I saw Rudy crawling in the barn, and then all these people showed up, - and I was like, "nap before orgy.
" - MIKE: W-W-Wait.
- You saw Rudy? - Yeah.
- In the barn? - You two dummies did not check underneath Rudy's barn first? - [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Wow, this is incredible.
Oh, wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Sierra, what is going on? Why is your family not coming to your wedding? Oh, my God.
Can you stop? I don't care.
- Neither should you.
- I do care.
I do care.
You're hiding here.
- I'm not hiding.
- You're not hiding? You're literally behind a bunch of cans in in an underground bunker in the middle of Bucksnort, Nebraska.
- I am fine.
- No.
I am fine.
Leave me alone.
You say that you haven't changed, but you really have.
I have.
I have changed.
I admit that to you.
I do not want to be in this underground apocalypse bunker with a bunch of strangers from the Internet that I don't know.
Don't look at me like, "Oh, yeah, I got you," okay? - There it is.
- I have a farm with my husband.
Yes, we get it.
You own a farm, and I'm just some dumb party girl from New York.
Sierra, please don't do that.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go get my swerve on and spank that sexy grandfather clock.
Out of my way! Police business! Y'all are under arrest! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What in God's name is going on here? Damn, Rudy! You all are under arrest, and your wedding ain't never gonna happen.
This might be bad timing, but Rudy what a bunker! Alright, it's time for mugshots.
Come on, Rudy.
RIO: Great, great, great.
- Great.
- Mm.
I do find it beguiling that this anteroom also serves as a penal holding facility.
Oh, my goodness.
Can't you just say that it's cool - the room also serves as a jail cell? - Mike - that's not productive.
- Why do you got to be so hoity-toity - to break the ice.
- Turn to the left So, Rudy, how long were you planning on staying in that damn bunker? Not sure.
It depended on how well I responded to the taste of thrice-filtered urine.
And you were gonna stay down there just because I wanted to talk to you? Rudy, come on.
We can't live like that.
Don't worry.
I wouldn't have lasted long.
Ate most of my snacks in the first hour.
I'm powerless over peanut butter.
Turn to the right.
The only thing I missed about the above ground world was you.
Even if we're not speaking it's nice to be on the same side of the dirt.
Well, Mike was trying to rope Brandon into making us friends again, but [SIGHS.]
we'll eventually get there.
I'm just not ready for that yet.
I agree.
May I face you? Yes, go ahead.
If only there was some way I knew you were doing okay, but I didn't have to see you all the time.
Hope that doesn't mean I have to join some kind of social media.
Just It's a police scanner.
Just turn it on and listen.
You'll hear my voice and I'll know that you'll be listening out there somewhere.
This is wonderful.
Copy that.
You know what? I already tried to force two other people together today.
It did not go well.
Might as well try it again.
You guys You can't do this.
You can't do this.
You're You're not even looking at each other, you're ignoring each other, and you're old friends.
Do you know how rare that is? Everyone changes, but only a few lucky people get to have someone there that witnesses the whole thing.
You want to lose that? You're gonna throw all that away over some fatuous dispute? Oh, that's right, sister.
I know some long words, too.
Don't do that.
Sierra back in the day, we would go out, and we'd [CHUCKLES.]
party and, like, hit on guys, and it was fun, and You know, but now Yeah.
I mean, we've changed.
- Yeah.
- You're a farmer.
I'm growing up.
I'm getting married to a guy 20 years older than me.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
20 20 years? Yeah.
I love it.
I actually wish he was older, like Rudy.
- Sure.
- Rudy's a smoke-show, and I want a puff.
I mean, I feel like just because we change doesn't mean you know, we can't still be friends, right? Look, remember that night right before you left, - and we went out all night? - Yes.
- And then we ended up at, um - Up at the Broadway Diner.
Oh, my God, and the waiter thought you were trying to hit on him, which you were.
- Yes.
I was.
- You know? - And I was like, "You should" - Oh, okay.
Pretend I'm not here.
- Yeah.
- He's very good like that.
That was my favorite part about going out with you.
It wasn't the long nights.
It was the breakfast the next day.
It's the breakfast the next day! - I love you so much, breakfast! - Breakfast! - Aww! - Ow, ow.
- Love you so much.
- I love you, too.
It's just, my shoulder's getting a little thrown out.
- That was beautiful.
- Sorry.
Alright, you're free to go, and the wedding is back on.
- Ah! - Oh, look at that.
Connie, thank you.
Look what I got.
- RIO: Why does Daddy not like him? - SIERRA: [SIGHS.]
It's a little You know what I mean? It's a little hard to pin down - Sure - but I think it's because he got caught low-key maybe embezzling some money.
- What? Lars did? - Not, like, real embezzlement.
- What, like What - But, like, embezzlement-adjacent Thought you might want a hearty breakfast.
Oh, my God! Breakfast! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Mike, thank you so much.
- No, literally, this is so good.
- Thank you.
You saved my wedding.
- I love this.
- I'm obsessed with you.
- I wouldn't let a wall of fire stand between you and this embezzler, so - Okay.
Thanks - the honor's mine.
What did he embezzle? Well, Bernie Madoff was his mentor.
Oh, wow.
But Bernie was actually really nice.
Ow! Hey, Clara.
No, n-n-n-not so, so, so, so, so loud.
So, so, so loud.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
If you No, no.
Don't even try.
It's impossible.
Doesn't even matter how strong you are.
There's just There's just no way.
How did you I want you to pick me up and hold me like a baby kangaroo.
That's pretty cool.

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