Bless This Mess (2019) s02e13 Episode Script

Calm Down

1 - No, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm? - Sweetie.
It's just - Yeah? The glue is not supposed to be visible, because for Sierra's wedding, we want to have these beautiful bead balls, not glue balls.
- You know what I mean? - Hmm.
Do you think you might be getting to the danger zone because of the stress of the wedding? What are you talking about, danger zone? You know You know, the danger zone where you you bite your nails uncontrollably until we have to use the therapy mittens, then you end up in the bathtub with a raw turkey, crying about hosting Friendsgiving? Did people have a bad time at that Friendsgiving? - Do I need to call and like, apologize? - Oh, no.
No, no, no, everyone loved it.
And I bet Mike just left you alone, too, huh? I would've scooped you up, tucked you into bed, and just watched you sleep.
Uh, b-by the way, Jacob, when are you going home? - When are your parents back - When are your parents coming? Y-Yeah, I have not heard from them.
- Tomorrow.
You knew that.
- Oh.
No 'Cause that's when I get my goodbye hug from Rio.
Or we could just do a high-five.
- Or a hug.
- Or, like, a Yeah.
- No.
- You better give me my hug.
Put it down.
Less flirting, more beading.
- Look who I found! - Hello, everyone.
- Hey! - Oh.
Pop Pop and Daddy, you're here! - Hey! - Rio! Sorry you had to twist my arm so hard to get me to this wedding.
- We're just happy you're here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is this tall, lanky, luscious drink of well water? Oh this is Rudy.
He is our very lovely squatter.
And, uh, Jacob is another squatter of ours.
And these are Sierra's parents.
- All of them? - Yes.
- Nonsense.
- Well, Daddy is Sierra's father.
- Um Yeah.
- This is Pop Pop, my other father.
- They're no longer exclusive.
- Yeah.
And so there's Pablo, who's Pop Pop's boyfriend, and Kristal, who's Sierra's surrogate.
Hi, I'm Jacob.
I thought Anise was the surrogate.
- Well, I - Anise was our egg donor.
- So - But she couldn't carry Sierra because her cervix wouldn't stay closed.
I did a lot of doubles' figure skating.
Sweet God in heaven.
- Follow me.
- Welcome.
- I will escort you to your quarters.
- No, no, no.
- Good to see you.
- But if you need anything, help yourselves, get comfortable.
Oh, wow, okay.
Fi Five more people.
That means just another centerpiece, which is fine.
I think this many people might be a fire hazard.
You know, and the house already was, on its own, kind of a fire hazard.
I'm just gonna let this roll off my back.
I'm not stressed about it.
Oh, my God.
Daddy got the rest of his extended family to come.
And they'll be here later today! It's only 70 people.
I mean, maybe it's more.
I don't know.
It's hard to get a firm head count from a polyamorous.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Best day ever! I'm disappointed, in a way.
I thought she was gonna say 100 - Oh.
- Mm nice, round number.
- Miss Rio? - What? What's a cervix? I don't want to get into it right now, Jacob.
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Morning.
Sweetheart, you're in the exact same spot you were last night when I said goodnight.
- I'm a little worried about you.
- Oh, I'm good.
- I'm good.
- Have you been moving your body? You know, your nails are pretty torn up.
- Let's get you in these gloves.
- No, no, no, I just I They're pretty low.
There's nothing to bite anymore.
Let's put the mittens on, just to be safe.
But I have an efficiency thing that I need to do.
- Yeah, I understand.
- And if these guys - get in the way of that - But you didn't get any sleep last night.
And And I don't think you've had any solid food other than maybe your fingernails and some bead glue.
- I'm good.
- And I'm just a little nervous that you're gonna have a mental breakdown - in the middle of Sierra's ceremony.
- I'm good.
And I know you don't want to steal her thunder, okay? No, I-I just I gotta I gotta do 43 - You're not listening to me.
- 43 beads a minute, get all the Baltic amber in.
See, I just want to make sure that my efficiency is at tip-top, tippy top Where's the Baltic amber? Do you see a little guy? A little Baltic amber guy? - Amber? - Do you have it? - Where's the Baltic amber? - Is it this? Is that what you're talking about, hon? This? - What is it? Where? - This.
Right here, babe.
- Right here.
Is that it? - Did you put that there? - Okay, I gotta call this, alright? - What are you calling? You gotta calm down on this whole project.
- Calm d - You just You gotta back off and calm down.
I'm sorry, what did you say? What did you just say to me? Did y - I said c-c-c-calm down.
- Calm down? - Yeah, before you explode! - What am I, like, a golden retriever? You're gonna tell me, "Oh, ca calm down"? W-What No, no, no, you're overreacting.
- All I said was "calm down.
" - I'm overreacting?! Nobody in the world wants to be told to calm down.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's like telling someone, "You know what? You're stupid.
You're stupid for feeling the way you feel.
" Okay, well, I don't think you need to bring everyone into this.
- It's an everyone thing.
- I think it might just be - specific to you which is totally - No, it's You know what? You know what? Alright.
Forget that.
Sorry I said that.
- It's okay.
I'm just saying - Listen, I love you.
- I love you.
I just hey.
- I love you too.
I just want to help.
Can I hel Can I sit down and do some beads with you? - Would that - I-I wish I could trust you to do that, but I just can't.
- I can't.
- You don't think I'm up for it.
- Alright.
- But you could go to town, love, um, and maybe get some supplies.
Make sure that people aren't prematurely fertilizing.
Prematurely fertilizing? That feels a little personal.
Uh, maybe I'll I'll buy them a drink before I ask that.
Can you believe how much stuff these New Yorkers travel with? It's like they have a change of clothes for every day of the week.
What a life they must live.
Hey, uh We We We see that you guys are are working the farm.
Could we help you? Oh, no, we're just collecting eggs.
So fun.
Um Do I need gloves? I don't know.
Are your hands cold? - Those eggs are dirty.
- No, no, no, these eggs are really clean.
I'd put one in my mouth to show you, but, I, you know, I might choke on it, so Go ahead.
Oh! Don't mind me.
I think she likes me.
It's her biological imperative.
It has nothing to do with who she likes.
Could I get a picture with you? Why? What have I done? I just want to commemorate my time farming with a real farmer.
Be nice to them, Mr.
I saw "Rent" Their lives are very hard.
Let's make the farm fun for them.
- You want me to take it? - Please, please, please.
- Okay.
- You go You go over here.
Everybody say "corn!" - Corn! - Corn! - Corn.
- Great.
I want to I want to thank you.
- Sure.
- For the farming experience.
- Oh, we just call it farming, but - Farming.
- Thank you.
- Call it whatever you want to call it.
That was humiliating.
Goes against everything I stand for.
Holy crap.
They just gave us a 20! Looks good.
Is this what embezzlement is? You cowpokes wanna go poke some cows? - What? - They really don't like it.
- Not one bit.
- Yeah.
Well, first, you gotta get a better hat.
You want to try it on? So authentic.
- Look at you! - Take a picture of that.
Yee, doggie! You look even better on dry land.
You're not so bad yourself, mister.
- Well.
- Hmm? - We're back.
- Yeah.
But what a cruise.
But what a cruise.
How 'bout it? - Can you believe we ate shark? - I know.
- It was delicious.
- It was good.
- Endangered.
- Yeah.
That albino dolphin.
At first, I was really creeped out, - but then I, like I felt - Yeah.
drawn to him, like he could read my mind? With those red eyes, I was like, "What's going on?" Thank you for punching it in the face when it started humping my leg.
Who are all these people? It's like they walked out of your lady magazine or something.
Hey, go grab your stuff and let's get going.
Oh? Where are we going? Well, we're going back to the house, jackass.
Oh, is that right jackass? You want me to move back in, do ya? In what world would you not be moving back in? In the world we lived in, we've never talked about it.
Look, if you don't want to come home, then don't come home.
I'm not saying that.
I just I thought maybe we'd have - a little, you know, more romance.
- Oh, my God.
Do you need me to get down on my knees and beg you, so you can throw fish at my face and pet my nose? - Are you jealous of the dolphin?! - How dare you! I've never been jealous of a dolphin in my entire life! Those creatures are dumb! Oh, hit me on the nose, do I go away? No, I come at ya! Come at ya stronger! What in the hell? Traffic jam? Not gonna die today.
You're not gonna Oh.
You dropped Oh, oh.
You're not gonna die today, Clara.
- You're not gonna die today.
- Here you go.
You're not gonna die today.
You're not gonna die.
Not gonna die today.
I'm gonna die today.
What is this? Are you kidding me?! The whole town's like this.
I've served dozens of people today.
Dozens! And I saw a woman litter.
She just threw it right on the ground.
Who doesn't look around to see if someone's watching first? Guys, I think that we're We're maybe overreacting.
- These are really - Overreacting? Mike, there's gum on the bottom of everything! That's nasty! I, for one, don't mind the out-of-towners.
This wedding means one thing for me booty! Mm-hmm.
Hey, that's my son.
I hope you get some.
Oh, I will.
I'll get it.
And I'll respect it.
And then I'll send it on its way.
I think we all want Brandon to get some booty, but it comes at a cost.
I can't even spread my beautiful manure - like a civilized man.
- Me either.
I wish I could fertilize right now, but you asked us not to.
Guys, seriously, you just You have to delay two days.
It's It's not like the manure's gonna expire.
Come on, Mike.
You said it was gonna be a small, intimate wedding, not Times Square railroad station.
This will be over in a few days.
I think everyone just needs to calm down.
What did you just say? I just said calm down.
- I don't think this is - Ooh.
anything to get overwhelmed by.
You know, just stay calm.
You guys got this.
Yeah? Did he just tell us to calm down? Can I just say that is not how you get the booty.
- No.
- Sierra, your groom is here! Hi! Lars, you are the groom! Welcome.
It's rea Yeah, well, I don't care about that.
- Okay.
You're - I don't - Do not jerk me around.
- Okay.
If you're not ready to monetize it, do not jerk me around.
You're on the phone.
You're being rude to someone else, not me.
Well, I'm gonna hang up, and you need to handle it.
I'm keeping somebody waiting.
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
- Hi! - Nobody gives a damn.
Not me, not Phil, not Monica nobody.
Well, Sierra's upstairs, uh, waxing You should've seen Main Street.
- Oh.
- The locals are not happy - about these wedding guests.
- I know.
I feel terrible.
I-I said, uh, "Calm down.
" - You didn't say "Calm down.
" - But I said "calm down," - but they took it well.
- Mike - What is that? - What is Is it Is this you? It's definitely not me.
That is terrible.
It smells like crap.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What? Please tell me that's not a bunch of trucks of manure in front of our house hours before the wedding - because of what you said! - Ohh! Mm! - I'll handle it.
- This is happening.
There's poop everywhere.
Honey, don't let it stress you out, okay? - What, what, what? - Oh, God! - Is this your hip? - I pinged.
- You peed? - It's my No, pingy.
- It's pingy in my back.
- Oh, you pinged your your back? - Can I - You know, it smells worse when you're down here.
It smells like You know what it smells like? - Huh? - Like hot diapers.
- That's what it smells like.
- Yeah.
You're right.
It does smell like hot diapers.
- Our farm smells like hot diapers! - I know! I'm going.
Hello? I know you're out here.
I can smell what you've done, so just come out and let's get this over with.
So, why are you so angry with us, Mike? You know what? Maybe you should calm down! Yeah, just relax - and take some deep breaths.
- Oh Enjoy the ass potpourri.
Oh, how are you doing that? You build up a tolerance.
Look, everybody, I am sorry if whatever I said upset you.
I did not realize that "calm down" was a universal pet peeve.
I'm sorry that everyone's so sensitive.
So let me get this.
So, you're not sorry for what you did, you're sorry about our reaction.
How was I to know that "calm down" is the one phrase in the English language that means the opposite of what it says? How do you get someone to actually calm down? I don't know.
What if someone's having a panic attack? What are you supposed to say, "Panic more"? Who's ready to release their load? - Oh, yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please wait.
Uh - Hey, hon.
Uh - Hey! You know what's actually good about having excruciating back pain is that I can't actually get my fingers quite up to my mouth in order to bite them all off.
But did you handle it? 'Cause I feel like I'm still smelling a little poop.
- It is is Yeah.
- What is happening? - I can't believe it.
- Yeah, he's the Um - And he's telling me - what he's telling us out there.
that I'm supposed to calm down? - Yes! - Okay.
Okay, guys, can I Hold on, hold on.
I am truly sorry if Mike offended anyone here.
He really is super sensitive.
Liter I mean, you helped a whole fraternity come out of the closet.
It was a smaller fraternity, only 15, 20 guys.
Listen, I just want to remind everybody, though, that what I said was Was "Calm down," - and those two words are not - My love.
You ju You just botched it.
They Alright, Alright.
I understand, like, I get it.
These New Yorkers probably are rubbing you the wrong way.
One of them drop-kicked my cat.
- What?! - What?! One of them drop-kicked my cat.
Clara, that is Actually, that didn't happen, and I apologize for lying.
But I just want to say that there is a line, and they are close to crossing it.
- Okay.
- That would've crossed it.
- That would've crossed it.
- That would have, but let's not get angry about that, because obviously it didn't happen.
Clara, it is a hassle to have all of these new people descend upon our town, but remember, it's for a wedding.
How many times in your life do you get to stop and just celebrate love? Can you just find it in your hearts to just make this one day special for my best friend? She has found the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
Sierra? Honey, are you in the bathroom? - Are you crying? - Yes.
- She's upset.
Bride's upset.
- Well, she's upset.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks for the meeting.
- Not that Lean more.
More support.
- And, uh, let's get you to the Okay.
I'm coming.
Nnnngh! Ow.
- Go slow.
Go slow.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on? I don't love Lars! You s What? Whoo! That feels so much better to say out loud.
That takes a lot of courage - It do Yes.
- Yeah, and you can't marry someone that you're not in love with.
I'm still gonna marry him, obviously.
I don't understand.
What now? Women greater than me have married men they don't love.
Let's do this.
Um, hey.
Sier Just Sierr Ow.
It's really nice of you to help, Mom.
Oh, please, I just don't want them trampling over to our farm.
Right this way.
That's a beautiful dress.
- Lots of cleavage.
- Yes.
- Very featured.
- Mm-hmm.
- He sees me see him.
I know it.
- Oh, yeah.
Dad could always pick you out of a crowd.
Except when you got your makeup done by that professional.
You're just not made for a cat eye.
Hey, that wasn't for you.
That was for your father.
I just don't understand him.
Why does this have to be such a big production? Why can't he just move home? Mom, sometimes, to get what you want, you just have to do a little dance.
I know it's not your style, but it's what Dad needs right now.
Like when Rudy was just posing for photos, - we were lucky to get 20 bucks.
- Mm-hmm.
But you give him a dirt mustache and tell people that he was found in a basket in a corn field when he was a baby, bam three grand.
Three grand?! - For the love of all things good - No.
- I cannot let you - It's crazy.
- We're not gonna allow it.
- This is You can't marry someone you don't love - Listen to two people - because you're too embarrassed to call off the wedding.
- Guys, it's fine.
- It's not.
Maybe we even last a year, okay? And look, you guys went through all that trouble getting everything ready and making the day perfect for me.
- Don't feel pressured, woman.
- Yeah, yeah.
Do not feel pressured because I threw my back out - and my nails are gnawed to the blood.
- That'll be all healed up in a week.
- We won't even remember those things.
- Yeah, you don't get married for those reasons.
It's kind of you to say, but this wedding is happening.
You got to stop her.
Physically stop her.
- Take the dress off her or something.
- Hey.
- I can't do anything because of this.
- Oh, I think we have a winner here.
- This could work.
- No.
You cannot m Oh, wow, that does look good.
It doesn't' scream "wealth," but it relentlessly whispers it until everyone around me feels inadequate.
- Sure.
Um - Okay.
- No.
No, no tiara.
- Wha What are you doing? - Mike, give that back.
- I cannot let you marry - somebody that you don't love.
- First of all, calm down.
Please don't You know what? You're right.
It's triggering.
- The "calm down"? - "Calm down," yes.
I'm sorry.
Sierra, you have to have that foundation of love.
I'll tell you exactly why One day, you're gonna walk into your kitchen, you're gonna notice every single drawer's open.
Why? Did someone ransack it? No! Someone just doesn't like - to close drawers - I forget.
- or close cupboard doors.
- I forget.
But I can live with it because I love her.
You marry the guy, you suddenly realize he only brushes his teeth in the morning.
Doesn't do it at night, meaning I've tasted every meal that he's ever eaten.
I don't ring this guy, I don't murder him because I am wildly and madly in love with all of him.
- I love you.
I don't really mean it.
- Yeah, I'm so I'm so sorry.
Obviously, I love it.
Look, I love it.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
What am I doing? I don't even know what I'm doing.
- I don't know what you're doing! - Yes.
- I have to get out of this.
- Yeah.
But how? Everyone's here.
Like, I don't know how to face everybody.
Oh, my God, how could you let me go through this?! - This is crazy! - Honey, I am trying.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, so, listen - What am I gonna do? - I have an idea.
- I have an idea.
- Oh, is it the same thing - I'm thinking of? - I think it's the same thing - he's thinking of.
- Yep.
Yep, yep.
- We got you, girl.
- Yeah.
Oh, the smell! Oh, distinct notes.
Let's release.
Alright, hon, coming up! Oh, man.
Do you - Do you smell something? - Oh, yeah, that smells like the worst part of the Hamptons.
I'm gonna barf.
Ohh! My God, is that a smell! Real umami to it.
Rio! Oh, you saved me from a really expensive divorce.
Thank you so much for digging that little muscle relaxer out of your purse, 'cause my back feels great now.
Oh, yay! Alright, well, I just got to the airport, so I gotta run.
I gotta be wheels up before Daddy realizes I took his jet.
Oh, God, I wish I could relate to your level of wealth.
So, uh, you sure you're not getting married? - My mom's gonna be so proud of me.
- What? Well, there's the last of them.
Hey, everyone, can I just For a second, I want I just want to say thank you for working so hard to create this celebration of love.
I'm really sorry that there just, unfortunately wasn't any love to celebrate.
Hang on.
If it's love we want to celebrate, I think I got something.
Beau, get over here.
What's going on? You know I don't like to make a big thing of it but I'm gonna do my best to tell you how I feel, okay? - No.
- Let me do it.
No, let's go somewhere else.
I'm annoyed, and I'm also desperate to sleep next to the man that I love while he sweats through five sets of sheets.
Your body should not get that hot.
You're the most messed up man I've ever met.
But I love you more than anything in the world.
You're my heart.
I want to live with you, I want to die with you, and I never want to be apart again.
Do you hear me? Yeah, I'll move back in.
Oh, no, I'm not asking you to move back in.
I already did that.
Beau Bowman will you marry me, again? Yes.
We're having a wedding! Oh, my God! Oh, son.
I'm not an orphan anymore! - Do something.
This is embarrassing.
- I'm so sorry.
Now who's gonna give away this woman? Jacob Bowman, ma'am.
Oh, it's in my face.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
- I love you.
- I love you, Mom.
- Thank you, son.
- You be good to her.
Of course.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
I don't know if you remember this, but the first time I spilled cheese dip on you - What? - you didn't even get mad.
You used it to dip your chip.
It's true.
And that's when I knew you were the one I want to sit next to for every Nebraska game.
Go Big Red! - Go Big Red! - Red! You will always be my Big Kay.
I love you now, and I will love you forever.
Also, thanks for Jacob.
Kay Bowman, do you take this man to be You know I damn well do, Connie.
- Okay.
- Get over here, jackass.
Well You know you make me want to - Shout! - Kick my heels up and - Shout! - Throw my hands up and - Shout! - Throw my head back and - Shout! - Come on now - Don't forget to say you will - Shout! Don't forget to say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Say you will Say it right now, baby Say you will Come on, come on Gator dance! - Say you will - Come on now - Say that you love me - Say - Say that you need me - Say - Say that you want me - Say - You wanna please me - Say - Come on now - Say - Come on now - Say
Previous EpisodeNext Episode