Bless This Mess (2019) s02e14 Episode Script

Völsung and the Beef Boy

1 I thought we came over to watch Jacob judge raw meat.
Oh, we are.
Unless you think you could do it, Mike.
Oh, my God.
Jakey, go fetch that mystery muscle.
- RIO: Mystery muscle.
- You're about to join the man's world of 4-H meat judging.
- Oh! - Let's get meaty with it.
- Okay.
- Oh, Kay.
Can you, um, drive me to the dump tomorrow? Well, why don't you stop being a feminist fraud and learn how to drive yourself? Uh, okay, no, thank you.
Well, I told you I would teach you.
I can do it tomorrow.
I mean, who better to teach you than your best friend? - MIKE: Oh.
- Did you say Did you just say "best friend"? Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess that just slipped right out of my mouth.
It's just 'cause I had I had said it before, and you hadn't reciprocated, so I didn't I just had to make sure it was for real, Rio.
- It's for real.
- Okay, it's for real? - Alrighty.
- Oh! - [WHISTLES.]
Boom! - That's a lot of - Here we go.
Here we go.
- Beef invasion! Is he gonna Is he gonna eat all this raw meat - just right now in front of us? - Oh, I hope so.
- I could watch that all day.
- Okay, now, Jakey, uh, I want you to take a gander and name that meat, Beef Boy.
- Oh, boy.
Here we go.
- RIO: Here we go.
Loin eye's half a grade higher than this guy.
Two choice T-bones, two choice top sirloins.
Ugh, this is, like, steak house chain quality.
That's gross, Dad.
Did you try to set me up? - RIO: I don't get it.
Do you get it? - Mike, envelope, please? Oh.
Okay, let's see how you did, Beef Boy.
- RIO: Here we go.
- Okay.
- KAY: I bet he got them all.
Yeah, you got it completely right! - Of course he did.
- Wow! That's impressive! Well, the boy's been touched by the almighty beef angel.
- That's something.
- And come Saturday, if Jacob wins, he gon' get one of these bad boys.
- Oh, wow.
Look at that.
- KAY: Check that out.
That is What is that, a ribeye? - RIO: Yeah.
Uh, it's a T-bone.
Did you just say "ribeye," you bonehead? [LAUGHTER.]
You idiot.
This is a very niche humor you guys have.
Oh, hey! - Mr.
Meat, how you doing? - Oh.
Meat's my dad.
You can just call me "Beef Boy.
" Last night when I got home, I went down a Wikipedia wormhole about meat judging.
You got a real talent! Oh! You know what? Do my meat.
You know, I don't I don't really want to.
Uh, you you can just read the grade on the package.
Oh, sure, sure.
Tricks of the trade.
Hey, do you mind if we, uh, talk outside? Oh, boy.
Uh Okay, this is kind of hard for me to say.
Do we have this kind of relationship? - So, Michael - That's formal.
I know that I'm the voice of my generation, you know, when it comes to meat judging, but I really I really hate doing it.
You know, it's not my dream.
It's my dad's dream.
To be honest, this does remind me of something I went through when I was your age.
In high school, man, all I wanted to do was play with my band, Volsung.
As in Volsung, the son of the Norse God Rerir.
Rerir, right.
Right, yeah.
He was killed by the Geatish King Siggeir.
I That's crazy you know that.
That's crazy that people don't know that.
- I agree! - Wait, I didn't know - that you played music.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know, I play guitar.
- Oh! But I I've never had a band, but - Oh, yeah.
Boy, I was so into it.
- Yeah.
Even built a website.
I mean, we rehearsed all the time.
We got pretty darn good.
- Oh, come on.
Don't downplay it.
- Yeah.
I'm sure your music was like a buzzsaw to the crotch.
- Well, thank you.
But the thing is, my my guidance counselor, Mr.
Liptak, he he noticed that the band was tanking my grades, so I quit, and without him, I would've never gone to college, never become a music journalist.
But then you got laid off and had to become a farmer.
You know, it kind of sounds like Mr.
Liptak ruined your life.
Like a Like a weird old wiener boy.
I'm not sure you're listening anymore, 'cause it sounds like you're taking all the wrong stuff - away from this conversation.
- Totally, totally.
KAY: No biggie.
Just teaching my best friend to drive.
Ooh, this is a big car.
Oh! You knew to buckle up, so you're already an A-plus student.
Hey, thank you.
Thank you for the positive reinforcement.
Oh, I'm all about positive reinforcement.
- Okay, good.
- Now, lesson one listen to me, or you're gonna crash this car! - Oka - Your lungs will be pierced, and you'll be breathing on a machine.
- Is that what you want? - No.
Is that what you want? 'Cause when you're a vegetable, I can guarantee Mike's not gonna leave you plugged in for very long.
- Oh.
"Steel Magnolias," okay? "Got to cut her loose so I can move on to another, more beautiful woman.
" Okay, now, keys are, uh, in the ignition.
- I-I - So, we just hit the road.
Sorry, Kay, I just I'm sort of [SIGHS.]
reeling from how intense and off-topic that was.
Well, driving a two-ton vehicle is intense, Rio! Now grab that gearshift like it's your lover's rod and put 'er in drive! - Go, go, go! - Okay, okay.
- Is this Is this right? Is that right? I don't know.
Is that right? I don't know.
I I don't know how to drive Get out of the car! - [SERENE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Having a little midday spa session? That means you either just talked to your mom on the phone - Yeah.
- Or you had a bad day? The driving lesson was the most stressful situation of my life, and I have been stuck on a subway car with a flock of birds.
She might be the worst teacher in the history of teachers.
She was less like a teacher and more like my aunt when she drank.
I mean, she just, like, yelled a lot.
Made me feel scared.
Well, you guys are best friends now.
How are you gonna navigate this one? Oh, um, secretly learn to drive from someone else so that when I have a lesson with Kay, she doesn't have to yell at me.
Right, yep, the obvious solution.
I think the obvious is best.
What's the deal with that? Oh, I dug out my old guitar.
You want to hear some of my old band's classics? Did Volsung have classics? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Oh, you don't know? You're the one spinning fairy tales, putting Cheez Whiz all up in my boy's ear.
Remember? When you told me about your band? And how you regret every day that you didn't follow your dreams? I don't think I said exactly that.
It was It was a broader, more nuanced mes Well, whatever you said, okay, he refuses to judge meat.
He'll be the first Bowman boy in the history of our family not to be a champion.
I'm not a Beef Boy anymore.
Dad Michael and I are starting a band.
You can't talk us out of it, so don't even try.
I co I could be talked out of it.
Jacob, where are you going? This is my house! Hope the foundation's solid, 'cause it's getting rocked! If that boy was a cut of meat, he'd be a porterhouse steak.
I just don't know enough about meat to really get the full impact of what you're trying to say.
Jacob is a golden god that smells like snow cones, and I'll do anything for him.
His future is meat.
I mean, are you Are you sure about that? Have you talked to him? There's nothing to talk about.
Well, if you do decide to talk to your son, you might want to think about the best way to communicate.
Fix it, Mike!! There's nothing wrong with the way I communicate! Hey, hey, hey, hey, bud, we we we need to talk.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to ask you about the band before I told my dad, but, you know, stuff just doesn't always work out the way that you want, right? - Yeah.
- It's a song that I'm writing.
Stuff doesn't always work out Do you ever get so sad That you tried to eat grass? Don't eat the grass Don't eat the grass Stuff doesn't always work out - And then it - Yeah.
Um You know, I think music might be a hobby for you.
But the But the meat judging [CHORD PLAYS LOUDLY.]
I got no passion for meat, Mike.
Look, uh, Jacob, I I I can't join your band.
But will you join your band? [LAUGHING.]
Oh! - Oh, wow.
The Volsung logo.
- Yeah.
You made a shirt for my high school band.
Yes, I did.
Man, I love this freaky raven, - This bigass tree - Yggdrasil.
The tree that connects the Nine Worlds.
We added a tenth world America.
See that? [LAUGHS.]
That's so genius.
- Where did you find this? - Oh.
- Your band's old GeoCities website.
- Oh! "Volsung's mission is to mix Norse mythology with hard-hitting rock that has" - " a beat you can dance to.
" - " a beat you can dance to.
" - Exactly.
- Look at that.
We're announcing "Neon Girl.
" That was gonna be our breakout single.
Can we play it? Um [SIGHS.]
You You gotta study meat, and you gotta do what your dad wants.
I'm sorry.
Whatever you say, Mr.
The chariot awaits We ride the winds to war Our enemies abate When they hear our mighty roar Oh, man, did you see my "Sex-God face" there? - I saw something going on facially.
- Yeah.
But I thought you were just angling for a bathroom break.
No, no, no, every good frontman has a "Sex-God face.
" - This is mine right here.
- Let me see.
- A lot of teeth.
What do you think? Did it work? You turned on? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna say "Yeah" and just move on.
God, did that feel good! I feel like I had a IV of pure rock 'n' roll running through me.
Yeah, hey, uh, maybe we should invite some people over to hear us play.
No, no, man, that would be too distracting.
Listen, Volsung has always been about the music, plain and simple.
You had to have played some shows, though.
No, man, we We never played a show.
- What?! - Yeah.
Which sucks, 'cause I had the best plan.
My high school was having this anti-drug rally, and we all were all set to just storm that stage, hijack it, and cut loose.
Oh, my God, that's so Volsung! - [LAUGHS.]
- I know, but my My drummer, Tyler, he cut his lip on his braces.
- Was a no-show.
- I wanna kick Tyler's ass so bad.
And I think you'd have to go down to Africa, though.
He's building schools or hospitals or something.
Oh, I wish we could've done that show! We were gonna kick things off with "Raven's Wolf.
" - Yeah.
- Then lead right into "Wolf's Raven.
" Well, can we play it? - No, man.
- What? - But we can shred it.
En, to en, to, tre, fire! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
RIO: Thank you so much, Rudy.
It's just, you know, learning to drive from Kay was putting too much pressure on our relationship, - and I - Shh.
Makes me jealous when I hear about your friendship with Kay.
I feel jealous that you, you know, you're a natural blond.
- Oh.
- Keys? Oh.
My truck's a little finicky, so just pop 'er in there and jostle it around a little bit.
- Clockwise.
- Okay.
Also, drive is reverse, reverse is neutral, and neutral is drive, so just pop 'er into neutral, which, again, is drive, and hit the gas, which is the brake.
Also, whatever you do, don't touch the cassette player, 'cause it deploys the airbags.
Clara, thank you so much - for this lesson.
- Of course.
Would it be okay if we just moved these guys in the back? They're all girls.
Ah That's Reese Wither-Cat, and you need to look out.
She tells Big Little Meows.
CONSTANCE: I'm proud of you, Rio.
- You came to the right person.
I think so, yeah.
- This feels right.
This feels right.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Yes, let's begin.
- Mm-hmm.
Connie? What are you What are you doing? Well, this is how I taught Brandon.
You know, driving's about trust.
And I trust you.
Now, whether we live or die, it's up to you, alright? So, good night.
Oh, wow.
That is so scary.
- Rio, just relax.
- Yeah.
Don't wake me.
Okay, don't wake you.
- Okay.
I'm gonna just Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, going fast! It's going fast! Slow down! Slow down! - [CRASH.]
- Ohhh! Damn, did you just run into Kay with my car? Oh, man.
She doesn't know I'm here.
- She's gonna be so mad.
- Ohhh Rio! Why are you driving? Wait, is Connie giving you a lesson instead of me? [STAMMERS, SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
It's just that, you know, it was so scary with you, and, you know, you yelled a lot.
But basically, I did have to go learn from Rudy and Clara Oh, so you're learning from everybody in the town and I'm just mean Kay with her mean yells coming out of her mean mouth all mean day long? No.
I was - Kay.
- No.
- Oh, wow.
She is - [GRUNTS.]
- Oh! So strong.
Kay, listen to me.
Those other lessons, they did not mean anything to me.
- Kay! Kay, are you okay? She took driving lessons behind your back and then she crashed into our truck? - Yep.
You got it.
I don't get it.
Why aren't you yelling and screaming? I don't know.
That's the weirdest part.
I'm not that mad at her.
My heart's just not in it this time.
You two must really be best friends, because when Clay Aiken lost, you set our TV on fire.
Well, he's got the voice of an angel! I just want to grab Rio by the shoulders and bring her in for a hug.
Dang it! My anger's not there.
Well, I got enough for both of us.
I'll tell you what, I want to see that metal T-bone holding up Jacob's pants more than anything.
Beau, do you think maybe sometimes we both get a little too angry? No! Maybe! Possible.
Why don't you just try and find a different way to get through to Jacob? - You are wise - [CHUCKLES.]
and beautiful [VOICE BREAKING.]
and I am so happy you took me back.
Well, with an ass like that, did I have a choice? - [SMACK.]
- What are you starting? The battle never ending By 'morrow, take the cave Owww! Whoo! Man! Whoo! Whoo! Alright, Dad.
Go ahead, yell at me.
That was catchy.
S I love it.
You You do? Oh, so good.
I don't want you to ever quit playing in this band.
Maybe you can do both.
You know, come to the meat-judging competition.
If that's chill with you.
The whole county'll be there.
I'll do it.
What? We should talk about this.
No, no, my my dad knows what's best.
I've always been a scream-first kind of guy.
This makes me rethink a lot of things I've done.
I'm not judging meat.
I'm playing rock 'n' roll.
Tomorrow, the whole town is gonna be there, and we are gonna ambush the stage! Oh, you fooled me, man! I can't keep up with you.
You're like Odin's eight-legged horse.
Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop! MIKE: Oh, man.
This is so badass.
Like when Rage Against the Machine played in front of the New York Stock Exchange.
Shut it down.
Man, you sound so old when you talk about ancient bands, but I'm amped.
I got the chills.
Well, they do turn it down to 60 because of the meat.
- Yeah.
- Okay, when I get on stage, I'm gonna give 'em a little taste of actual judging, and then I'm gonna say "rancid meat.
" Right, and that's my cue to get out my axe - and unleash the raven.
- Yes.
And then I'm gonna scream "Volsung!" And we're gonna melt this crowd's face off.
It's just gonna be a a river of face skin.
Oh, man, I wish Mr.
Liptak was here to see this.
Though, I understand he's got pretty advanced glaucoma, so he'd probably miss it.
Oh, hey, you got your Viking gear on? Oh, my God.
Oh! - Yeah, chain mail.
- So authentic.
Hey, did you want to try that little side-braid that we were working on? - I know it was too tight last night.
- Good to see you.
- But I'll be really gentle.
- No, I'm o I'm open Deuuuuuuh.
How's my Beef Boy? [CHUCKLING.]
I'm gonna get a spot in front of all the losers' parents.
Let's just hope there's no rancid meat.
What could be worse than rancid meat, you know? At a meat-judging contest? - [STIFLED LAUGHING.]
- Rancid.
Chaos would break out.
- It's supposed to be fresh.
- Shut up! [SIGHING.]
- Oh.
- Hey.
- You have every right to be mad.
- I'm so mad.
So, if I could just have an opportunity to explain myself - before you say anything.
- Mmhmm.
I just want you to know that ever since moving here, my favorite part of it is becoming friends with you.
Okay, and so the idea of losing you, I just started to get in my head about that, and and I started getting in my head about, you know, getting in my head about things, and then I'm overthinking about my head, and I'm like, "Well, if I just thought about it" I'm sorry.
Can you just shut your mouth for one minute? I've never seen a one-woman show in my life, and I'm not about to start right now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh! Are you okay? - Oh, God! - What's wrong? - [GROANS.]
- Kay, please talk to me.
- I think I'm having a heart attack.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's the same age as my daddy's first.
You got to get me to the hospital.
Well, I can't drive, honey.
I can't You have to drive! Do you hear me?! My chest is tighter than Manny Pacquiao's ass! - Okay.
- Aah! Oh, God, no.
Rio, stop slamming on the brakes, or we're both gonna die! - How you doing? Kay? - No, no, no.
- Kay, how you doing? - Steady.
Keep it Well, I'm not doing good.
I'm doing bad.
- I'm having a heart attack.
- Okay, please Okay, take your time.
Slow down a little bit, okay? - Easy, easy.
- I'm easy.
I'm easy.
Put on your blinker, make a right here.
Blinker, blinker.
Taking a right.
Careful on the turn.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
- Okay, and just pull right over here.
- You want me to stop? - Stop the car.
- Stop the car, Rio! - Oh, my God.
- Are you gonna stop to die?! - Stop the car! - [WHIMPERING.]
- Are you okay? Kay.
I didn't have a heart attack.
What?! Everyone in my family lives to be at least 100 years old.
Three of us have been on that Smucker's thing on the "Today" show.
What is happening right now?! You just learned how to drive.
I had to get your head out of your butt so that you could start to trust your gut.
Who's a bad teacher now? Hmm? Oh, my God.
I did do I drove.
Yeah, you drove.
You're crazy! You are really - I am crazy.
I am crazy.
- You are much crazier than anyone that, uh, I've ever met in Manhattan.
You really thought I was dying.
- Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
And now our final senior, Jacob Bowman.
That's my Beef Boy! Jacob! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Sorry I was late.
I was just I was obeying speed laws because I I know how to drive.
- That's why I was late, so - JACOB: I, uh I I placed these sirloin steaks in order two, one, four, three.
I placed meat two over meat one because two showed evidence of less internal fat, w-which makes it - You're doing fine, son.
- You got this, Jacob! - It's okay.
- MAN: Come on, Big Jake! You got it! Make Make some noise! Come on! [CHANTING.]
Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! - Yes! Yes! - Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! It makes it inferior based on its trimness! Though one displayed a more uniform color and was firmer, two displayed much less bone.
- Okay.
- I chose four over three because four had greater muscling and was a trimmer, higher quality sirloin! Thank you, Bucksnort! [HIGH-PITCHED.]
That's correct! A perfect score! Hey, hey, everybody, party at my old man's place later! That's my son! Our son.
He came out of me.
We're not having a party.
- Oh.
- Congratulations, guys.
Your, uh, your kid's a star.
Why are you dressed like a moron? Well, I guess I didn't know the vibe of this thing.
I O kay.
Whoo! Champion.
Wow! Thank Thank you.
Um Mike, I'm I'm sorry that I never said "rancid meat.
" I just I think that my biggest passion isn't music or meat.
It's people cheering for me.
But, um.
I let you down, and that That was a real Tyler move.
No, no.
You were a Viking.
Okay? You pillaged our moment.
You took what you wanted, and you used it to rock out hard.
Now, that's Volsung as hell.
So So not playing with Volsung was actually The most Volsung thing you could've done.
I have nothing more to teach you.
Um I'm gonna bounce.
Some of the kids wanted me to autograph their meat and take some selfies, so - You know the drill.
- Yeah.
- I'm not sure that I do know the drill.
- I don't think so.
Were you gonna Were you gonna play a Volsung concert here? Yeah, we were gonna storm the stage, and, you know Ohh.
Are you upset? I feel like you're bummed.
- Are you bummed? - No.
No, no, no.
Look, I get it You don't get to live out every dream you've ever had.
You got to get on that stage right now, Mike.
No, no, that [SCOFFS.]
That was a dumb idea.
- No, no.
- No, that was a dumb idea.
Any dream that's worth pursuing is not dumb, even if it started in high school.
You know, it's like my driving, right? Guess what.
I drove here.
- What?! - In a car.
- You drove here? - I did it.
- Oh, my gosh! Yeah? - [LAUGHING.]
Yes! The most Volsung thing you could do right now is get on that stage and play! Oh, man.
You are a stone-cold Hljod.
- Hljod? - Giantess.
- Giantess? - That's Volsung's wife.
- Oh, good.
- They had ten sons together.
Oh, wow.
That's good for her.
And him.
I'm sure they co-parent.
You gonna play? Yeah.
That's my husband! Whoo!
Previous Episode