Blood Drive (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
The F-cking Dead
1 - Previously on - Blood Drive! The fuck did you do to my car? Who the hell are you? Allow me to introduce myself.
Julian Slink, professional killer.
He knows where my sister is.
The question is, are you gonna help me get it out of him? [dramatic music.]
[photo snaps.]
I'm in the belly of the beast, man.
You were right.
You fucking called it.
They got their hands in everything.
Politics, pharmaceuticals, medical supplies.
Remember Officer Aki? Heart can heal that eye of yours.
Think she's kind of into me.
Catch that Heart logo back in Steel City? Heart's behind Trioxin.
If they have the technology, how the hell can anyone stop them? [wails.]
[blows thudding, crunching.]
We're ready for you now.
Oh.
[brooding tone.]
Heart Entertainment Presents "The Slinks," filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I'm home.
[cheers and applause.]
[both exhale, sniff.]
[crowd awws.]
Ooh, what a day.
[chuckles.]
[soft groan.]
Julian, you have a minute? For you, sweetie, I've got ten.
[laughter.]
Well, it's about Melvin.
He's been hiding something under his bed.
[comic whistle.]
Condoms.
- [crowd gasps.]
- What's our boy doing with condoms? Well, he's probably not making balloon animals.
[laughter.]
[laughing.]
I don't know.
This is serious.
You're right.
Melvin! Get your keister in here.
[laughter, applause.]
What'd I do now? More like who'd you do.
[laughter.]
You guys are going through my stuff? You should be happy.
Some of my friends don't even use those.
Ah, to be young.
- [pounding on door.]
- Who's that? You know, don't you worry, sweetie, if he catches something, we'll take him to the doctor, give him a shot in the rump, he'll be right as rain.
- [laughter.]
- [pounding continues.]
[growling and groaning.]
Oh, my God! What's happening? [dramatic musical stin Help us, please! Ah, I love these little family chats.
Oh, my God [screams.]
[screaming indistinctly.]
[screaming.]
Oh, my God, Julian! [growling and groaning.]
No! No! No! [screaming.]
[both screaming.]
And now, a word from our sponsor.
[rock music.]
[blows thudding.]
["La Marseillaise" plays.]
[woman singing in French.]
[crowd chatter.]
Where is she, you sadistic freak? Karma.
When I dropped her off at Kane Hill, that place was halfway normal.
- [blow thumps.]
- [grunts.]
And now I find that it's a sugar-fiend shit show.
Someone checked her out.
Who was it? Kane Hill? Kane Hill sounds familiar.
You were the goddamn hospital administrator.
[dramatic musical sting.]
Ooh.
How's that even possible? Oh, I wear many hats.
I see.
This isn't working.
It's just turning him on.
Oh, the good cop, my hero.
He knows the truth, Barbie.
And I'm gonna beat it out of him.
Okay, well, why don't you let me ask him some questions while he still has some teeth? Okay.
What does Heart want with medical facilities and what does that have to do with patients like Karma? Tell me how they're connected.
The neck bone's connected to the Shoulder bone The shoulder bone's connected to the Rib bone [softly.]
The neck bone's connected to the [intense dubstep music plays.]
[cheering.]
You really think he's here, sis? Take a look.
This place has Slink written together: All over it.
Why would he come back? Doesn't look like he's honoring the dead.
Well, whatever the reason, thank God he came back to Meadeville.
We never would have found him.
We don't even know what he looks like.
[crowd chanting.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Well, we're about to find out.
[chanting continues.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Come on, Jackie Boy.
together: Let's rock and roll.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! [chanting continues in background.]
[uneven, rapid breathing.]
[metal doors clattering.]
[clank.]
[singsong.]
How's our newest asset? Stay away from me.
[doors rumble shut.]
Come out, Christopher.
[dainty ambient music.]
You must be cold in that gown.
I brought new, clean clothes just for you.
No more tests.
We're done with all that.
No more needles.
No experiments of any kind.
I promise.
That's it.
Your eye is ready.
[instrument clinks.]
I only want to take off your bandage.
[dainty ominous music.]
So, please, try to relax.
Your partner may have abandoned you, but we at Heart Enterprises take care of our own.
Your cooperation hasn't gone unnoticed.
You're good as new.
Here.
See for yourself.
[sighs.]
Say hello to Christopher 2.
0.
[ominous music.]
[screams.]
[both screaming.]
Tell you what, let me do my job, and I'll pretend this little interrogation never happened.
Not until you tell us the truth about Karma, about Heart, about all the messed-up things you people have ever done.
The world's gone to hell, Officer Krupke.
We're the norm now.
You're the anomaly.
Why don't you just accept it? Because that's not true.
Not everyone's as bad as you.
Show me one unsullied thing on this septic tank of a planet.
[brooding music.]
Ah.
- And I'm not the only one.
- [chuckles.]
Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, he's a good cop too.
Oh, Gracie, piggy here thinks he's a poster boy.
Well, that Action Man costume's not fooling me for one second, Arthur dear.
I think we both know who you really are.
They're getting rowdy out there.
It won't be long before they come in here and trash the place.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Do you hear that, Arthur? Do you hear that, huh? That's one big animal horde that craves carnage.
One giant, rotting circus.
And I'm P.
T.
Barnum.
Where you going? To tame the lions.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Good evening, Mayhemers! Let's hear it for your Master of Ceremonies.
[crickets chirping.]
[microphone feedback whine.]
Uh Who's ready for a good time? - You suck! - [scattered laughter.]
- You suck! - [crowd booing.]
[glass smashing.]
Okay ah.
That hurts.
That hurt excuse me, that hurts.
Uh, is it getting hot in here, or is it, uh, just me? [light, whimsical whistling.]
Slink.
I don't know, Diane.
He doesn't look like a mass murderer.
Yeah, well, he's a trickster by trade.
Don't let him fool you.
That's Slink.
- Okay.
- [crowd booing.]
Uh, tough crowd, tough tough crowd.
Okay, jeez uh Okay Uh a guy sits down on a bus, and he's very frustrated When is it okay to kill? [Arthur continues talking in background.]
"When it's for love.
" [uplifting music.]
All right.
Let's do it.
- For mother - [together.]
And father.
Wait.
We'll never get to him through this crowd.
We're gonna have to thin the herd.
The plan was to kill Slink, not a whole party.
Well, they might try and stop us.
So why don't we give them the kiss and let the virus do its job? And then we take him out when there is nobody left [together.]
To stop us.
Good.
Now, remember, lay it on thick.
[schmaltzy pop music.]
[ominous sting.]
Forever Ooh ooh ooh Yes, I'll wait forever Welcome to Meadeville.
[ominous whistling.]
What the hell'd you do to me? Think of it as a metaphor for Heart Enterprises becoming a part of you.
[ambient music.]
That isn't how a metaphor works.
In the outside world, you may have considered yourself an individual, but here at Heart, you'll be a small component of something far greater.
Not interested.
I'm going home.
Okay.
- Really? - Of course.
You're free to go.
[soft dramatic music.]
But not before you settle up.
[voice distorting.]
That eye cost $20 million.
[ominous chords.]
[punk rock music playing.]
[crowd booing.]
Ah oh, okay.
This looks like somebody had a little too much sugar today.
[music, crowd muffled.]
[metallic clank.]
[clinking.]
Pour us a glass of wine.
We'll make a night of it.
What are you? I told you, I exist for one reason and one reason alone.
I am the Master of Mayhem, Captain of Chaos, God of the Stage.
What do you say we wrap this up, hmm? Or if you prefer, we can both watch your Barbie doll diiiiie.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says to the other muffin, "It's it's getting hot in here.
" And that muffin turns to the other muffin, says, "Oh, my oh, my God, a talking muffin.
" [crowd booing.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! The only thing we're killing tonight is jokes, am I right? Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Oh [muffled chanting continues.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Crowd's all you care about.
What's a shepherd without his flock? [muffled crowd chanting.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Arthur.
How many cops does it Arthur! Just quit messing around and give 'em what they want.
[all yelling.]
Okay.
How many cops does it take to fix a water [glass smashes.]
- [whomp.]
- [crowd screams.]
- [thud.]
- Uhh! [cheering.]
Oh, you like that? You want to fight the cop? [crowd cheering.]
Come and try.
[punk rock music.]
[blow thuds.]
[roars.]
[whistling "Wheels on the Bus".]
[punk rock music continues.]
[women giggle.]
- - [lovemaking moans.]
I know this was my idea, but seeing them all like this reminds me of [together.]
Mother and Father.
They used to smash all our Elvis Presley records.
How could this have happened to them? It wasn't their fault.
Father caught it.
Do you remember the day he brought it back from work? He was driving so fast he crashed the Buick [together.]
Into the apple tree.
Couldn't wait to ravage Mother.
[lovemaking noises.]
[schmaltzy pop music.]
I can still hear them in my head, doing the deed.
[moaning.]
All the grunting and the moaning.
[moaning.]
And if they could give into their deepest, darkest desires, then it can happen to anyone.
For it's you that I adore And forevermore I could have gone with other boys Will I ever find the one? "It is certain.
" How will I know it's her? "She'll be your sister.
" And let me love you all the time For it's you that I adore You know what? You keep those memories in your mind.
'Cause when it's all over and Slink is dead, you'll know it wasn't all for nothing.
You're right, I I don't know what I'd do without you.
You really are all I have.
Be mine be mine [leather stretches, snaps.]
Love me all the time And never ever [grunts.]
You want a show? [cheering and booing.]
[yelling.]
Here he comes, Jackie Boy.
We're just a kiss away.
Be mine, be mine Be mine, be mine [overlapping shouting.]
Let's go! [blows thumping.]
[wails.]
[object shatters.]
Come on! [woman shouting indistinctly.]
Yeah [crowd gasps.]
[soft murmuring.]
- [laughs.]
- [crowd cheers.]
- Yeah! - [punk rock music playing.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - [overlapping shouting.]
[muffled.]
Yeah! Okay, here's a little peek behind the curtain.
[wrist snaps.]
Someone at Heart is obsessed with you.
Yeah, I don't care about Heart.
That's Arthur's bag.
I just want my sister back.
Oh, but you should, you should care very much.
You see, someone at the top is pulling the strings.
[wrist creaking.]
He has designs for you [cracking.]
[metallic schwing.]
And your little Karma.
Ah ah, play nice, and I'll tell you everything you need to know.
[dark music.]
The fastest way to pay off your debt is with a job.
But in the mailroom? [phones ringing.]
So how long's this gonna take? 961 years, 6 months, 14 days, 23 hours.
What? Have these sorted and delivered within the hour.
[sultry rock music.]
[groaning.]
Just tap out, Susan.
Just tap out.
Yah! Yeah! Who's the fucking cop? Where'd everybody go? [woman giggling.]
I'm putting on a show here! Hey, where you going, ladies? Hey, where Oh, you wanna play, Daddy? Okay, now! [giggles, gasps.]
Oh, maybe we should, uh, go to dinner first? [dramatic musical sting.]
What does Heart want with Karma and me? [dark music.]
[distant moaning.]
[sniffing.]
Do you smell that? Don't change the subject.
[soft click.]
- [sniffs.]
- [distant moaning.]
Look outside.
I'm not joking.
[overlapping moaning, exclamations.]
What do you see? Besides the Smurf orgy, quickly.
Who do you see that doesn't fit in? Well, I see a man and a woman that look like grown-up versions of the Bobbsey Twins.
Listen to me very carefully, very, very carefully.
Grace, they will destroy everything.
Those two may appear harmless, but they're not.
They've unleashed something very serious, and we need to put an end to it.
"We"? We Slink, there is no "we.
" So quit playing games.
Where is Karma? I'll tell you how to find her.
But if you want my help, you and Arthur have got to stop those twins! [dramatic musical sting.]
[moaning echoes.]
[surf rock music.]
Jack and Diane out there, they're the sole survivors of a little local experiment of ours.
Why am I not surprised? So, what, this is some sort of sex plague? What better place to test a passion potion than the uptight little hamlet of Meadeville? Meadeville, Steel City, L.
A.
How many towns did you assholes destroy? How many are on the map? [chuckles.]
Look, when that infection has reached its final stage and they're done shooting their bluege, that purple porno out there is gonna turn violent.
They're gonna start tearing each other apart, along with everyone they come in contact with.
Good.
I don't need them.
Oh, but you do need me if you want help finding Karma.
And if they destroy the Blood Drive, that's never gonna happen.
So if Heart created this disease, they must have made a cure for it too, right? I ordered our head scientist to test an antidote, just in case, but when we lost control of the town, Dr.
Vermaak [percussive rock music.]
Had to abandon his work.
All of his research is stored next door.
The bottling plant.
Somebody needs to get into the lab, find the formula, so that we can turn all the Mayhemers back to normal.
If Arthur and I do this, you tell me where she is.
[handcuffs rattle.]
Scout's honor.
[surf rock music.]
[moaning and panting.]
Mr.
Slink.
We've waited a long time to meet you, and we're gonna enjoy watching you suffer.
But, uh I'm not Slink.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
No, no, no.
Slimeball can't even put a sentence together.
Let's get him out of here.
His name is Arthur Bailey.
And he's a ContraCrime cop.
Don't believe me? Check his name tag.
[lovemaking noises continue.]
She's telling the truth.
- This isn't our guy.
- [sighs.]
Let's go.
[soft slapping.]
Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mmm! Oh, hell no.
Oh, come on, just one good one, baby.
Oh, Arthur, stop.
I need to talk to you, okay? Tell me, tell me, yeah.
My bad, I'm I don't know what got into me.
Okay, look, Dr.
Vermaak, there's a bottling plant - Arthur, Arthur - Come on.
- [thud.]
- Ooh! [sharp exhale.]
Better? - Yes, thank you.
- Great.
- No, I'm better.
- Yeah, we cool? - I'm listening.
- Let's go.
[jazzy schmaltzy music.]
Listen, you piece of shit, this script is way too vanilla.
It made me gag.
Ramp up the violence.
Where is the nudity? I want tits murdering dicks! Yeah, hey, guys, okay, okay.
Get ready to shit.
Blood Drive's getting picked up.
Uh-huh.
[ominous tone.]
[laughs.]
Right? I know.
Yeah, live to the world, baby.
I'm looking at the paperwork right now.
Yeah, well, that's because you are the Shakespeare of our time.
Shakespeare.
The dead guy in England.
Never mind.
- Yeah.
- Blood Enterprises.
Can I help you? [static.]
Smax! What the [electrical static.]
Did you really think our car was the only one with a camera? [tires squealing.]
[engine revving.]
What the f The world's gone to hell, Officer Krupke.
We are the norm now.
You're the anomaly.
- Why don't you just accept it? - Because that's not true.
Not everyone's as bad as you.
Show me one unsullied thing on this septic tank of a planet.
Ah.
- And I'm not the only one.
- [chuckles.]
Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, - he's a good cop too.
- Oh! I knew you wouldn't abandon me, buddy.
Stay strong.
You got your boy on the inside.
[static.]
Yeah, no, look, it's all here.
We got we got we got future episode outlines.
We got air dates.
Everything's here.
Yes, I will take it down to the Hall of Secrets.
Yeah, okay.
Uh-huh.
[sniffs.]
[dark, suspenseful music.]
[sniffs.]
So Karma is connected to Heart I knew it.
Okay, look, we've gotta divide and conquer.
You have to go to the plant and find the lab where this guy, Dr.
Vermaak, was building the antidote.
Okay, I'm just supposed to pick up where he left off? I'm not a scientist.
How am I supposed to do that? All of his research is still in those films.
Okay? Slink says you just have to find the right reel, and it'll give us the instructions on how to make the cure.
Okay, say I find it, then what? Then I drag these bastards to the plant where you're waiting with the cure for me, and we inoculate them together Oh, my God, you're not even listening to me.
[snap, snap.]
- [thud.]
- Ooh! [strained.]
Oh, God.
- You with me? - Yeah.
I think.
Yeah, I got it.
All right.
- Oh, and Barbie? - Yeah? Slink's gonna stall the twins, but not for long.
Hmm.
Hiya, Slink.
Doris Day.
Where's Buddy Holly? So, it is you.
You killed everyone we ever loved.
Well, it doesn't sound like me.
Perhaps you've mistaken me for my brother Gary.
[music, background noise.]
Ah.
Just to be clear, I'm an EVP now.
[dark, whimsical music.]
Save the kisses, Sandra Dee.
I'm immune, just like you.
Oh, I know that.
I was just kissing you good-bye.
Hello, Jack.
Slink.
[whistling.]
[ominous music.]
[beep.]
[distant clank.]
[soft suspenseful music.]
[whistling.]
Too easy.
[low chime.]
Carpenter, Christopher, mailroom clerk.
Access denied.
Clearance level three required for entry.
Acceptable positions include: CEO, vice president, security guard, fluffer, primo, head of marketing, power bottom.
Security guard.
[suspenseful music.]
[upbeat schmaltzy music.]
Ay, Chihuahua.
Oh, mama.
Ah, focus.
Focus.
[breathing heavily.]
Okay.
All right, you little bitch.
[thump.]
[soft suspenseful music.]
Sorry, fellas.
Okay.
What the hell? "Dionysus Strain.
" "Entire town infected.
"Subjects turning violent.
"Aborting experiment.
"For latest cure inquest, refer to test reel 245.
" Test reel 245.
[whispers.]
Is this reel [exhales.]
Bingo.
Slink.
Diane.
Tonight you pay for your treachery.
For poisoning our father.
Our family.
[together.]
Our town.
Ah, yes, the poor little people of Meadeville.
You laced our father's lunch meat with that venereal scourge.
Boo-hoo, Peggy Sue.
What are you going to do about it, hmm? [electricity hums.]
Ooh, right where it all began.
So what? Your little town was boring.
You ask me, I gave you a clean slate.
You kind of owe me, actually.
We didn't ask for this.
All we ever wanted to be was normal.
Get a summer job.
Maybe meet that special someone.
But because of you, any hope of that is gone.
We're all alone.
Forever.
[eerie music.]
Ooh.
Dinner and a movie.
You know, if I'd known we were gonna bottle-shred and chill, I'd have brought chocolates.
No chocolates.
- Just retribution.
- [ding.]
You know, the drug just turns you on.
You have to actually want to screw in the first place.
News flash: you two, you ain't so squeaky.
And if your friends and your teachers and good ol' Mom and Dad hadn't been so repressed, you might just be sitting at home right now, enjoying your supper from a TV tray.
Start it up, sis.
[agonized screams.]
[engine grinding.]
[tense music.]
[woman screaming.]
[ominous percussive music.]
Yo! Free beer at the plant next door.
[crowd grunting.]
[scattered screaming.]
[crazed groaning.]
- [flesh ripping.]
- Yeah! [grunting.]
[tense music.]
Hey, sluts and hard-ons! Who wants fresh meat? - [muffled muttering.]
- [commotion growing.]
Okay, this is the part where I run.
Good first day? The best.
I learned a lot.
I knew you'd fit right in.
[soft, eerie music.]
Yeah, about that I like this job and all, but I think I'd be better at security.
[mechanical click.]
Your skills do match nicely with our internal defense systems.
[tsks.]
Exactly.
Glad you see it my way.
Security is a big responsibility, Christopher.
But it also comes with coveted perks.
What kind of perks? [whoosh.]
Advanced clearance and a unique set of elective upgrades and body modifications.
[mechanical clicking.]
However, your hearing with the promotions board isn't scheduled until quarter three of the year 2186.
I want this job.
Anything I could do to speed up the process? [soft electronic music.]
[zipper sound.]
Dick quo pro.
[mechanical click.]
This is Dr.
Abel Vermaak, here in the repression fuckatorium where it all began, commencing test reel number 245.
I've injected the specimens with the aforementioned Dionysus Strain.
Each is a carrier.
Born to the same litter, they possess a similar genetic makeup.
They're siblings.
[sultry rock music.]
[glass crunching.]
Enough appetizers.
Time for the main course.
Where are you, Copper? Now, as we've seen, close proximity between the infected yields lethal results.
But in this case, something quite curious happens when brother and sister are compelled [suspenseful music.]
To copulate.
You gotta be shitting me.
Once they copulate, they will secrete a bright orange discharge which can be used as the antidote and a lubricant.
[sultry jazz music.]
Oh, my God.
Arthur! [crowd growling.]
Arthur! No, no, no, no! Not this way, not this way! [snarling.]
- You got it? - The twins.
If they have sex with each other, it'll create an antidote.
Of course it does.
Uhh! Grace, you gotta get them to fuck! [screams.]
How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't know.
You gotta go find them.
I'll hold the door.
[panting.]
[groans.]
Hurry! Oh, God.
[machine grinding.]
Wait! You don't need to kill him.
Just do it, Jack.
We've waited long enough.
No, just listen! I know this murdering bastard deserves to die, trust me.
Grace, you're really not helping.
But he's the only key I have to finding my sister.
Besides, killing him is not gonna fix your real problem.
What are you talking about? [grunts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God, they're coming! Ooh ah! They're coming! [weakly.]
They're coming Get in there.
Look, uh, I used to resist all my urges too, but not anymore.
It's dangerous, you know, 'cause these these urges, they keep growing inside you.
Ah Swelling until you can't control them anymore.
You don't know us at all.
But I do.
[groans.]
I know that you think you're destined to be alone, but don't you see that special person is standing right beside you.
Ahh And there's no no one judging here.
I see how you look at each other.
[zombies groaning and growling.]
All you have to do is just get close and then [funky rock music.]
[intense tone.]
[brooding music.]
Touched for the very first time.
[blades clinking.]
[both scream.]
Grace, get ready! Hold, hold, hold [gurgling.]
Spray them! Do it now! Disseminate the cure.
[all growling and snarling.]
[suspenseful music.]
[dramatic music.]
[crowd muttering, shouting.]
[all grunting, groaning.]
[crowd quieting down.]
[rock music.]
[engine revving.]
A deal's a deal, Slink.
Start talking.
You you got a little something.
You and I both know what that thing was.
A giant version of the Blood Drive engine.
Again with the diary.
I found this back there in that lab.
"Soul Reclamator prototype not yet functional.
" [dramatic music.]
What the hell's a Soul Reclamator? Sooner or later, the good cop is gonna have to admit that deep down inside, [whispering.]
he's a bad guy.
[spits.]
I rest my case.
And what a speech you gave! So nice to meet the real Grace.
Soft, vulnerable, all of her armor stripped away.
You know, that'll get you killed.
Do I look soft to you? Fine.
Today the Blood Drive takes a detour.
Karma was transferred from Kane Hill to the Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women.
I've rerouted the next leg to take you right past it.
Now if you want to take that time to find your little sister, fine by me.
But if you're the last one across that finish line rules still apply.
[dramatic music buildup.]
[sizzle, rumbling.]
You do exactly what they ask, and they still have more goddamn notes.
[rock music.]
[hard rock chords.]
Julian Slink, professional killer.
He knows where my sister is.
The question is, are you gonna help me get it out of him? [dramatic music.]
[photo snaps.]
I'm in the belly of the beast, man.
You were right.
You fucking called it.
They got their hands in everything.
Politics, pharmaceuticals, medical supplies.
Remember Officer Aki? Heart can heal that eye of yours.
Think she's kind of into me.
Catch that Heart logo back in Steel City? Heart's behind Trioxin.
If they have the technology, how the hell can anyone stop them? [wails.]
[blows thudding, crunching.]
We're ready for you now.
Oh.
[brooding tone.]
Heart Entertainment Presents "The Slinks," filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I'm home.
[cheers and applause.]
[both exhale, sniff.]
[crowd awws.]
Ooh, what a day.
[chuckles.]
[soft groan.]
Julian, you have a minute? For you, sweetie, I've got ten.
[laughter.]
Well, it's about Melvin.
He's been hiding something under his bed.
[comic whistle.]
Condoms.
- [crowd gasps.]
- What's our boy doing with condoms? Well, he's probably not making balloon animals.
[laughter.]
[laughing.]
I don't know.
This is serious.
You're right.
Melvin! Get your keister in here.
[laughter, applause.]
What'd I do now? More like who'd you do.
[laughter.]
You guys are going through my stuff? You should be happy.
Some of my friends don't even use those.
Ah, to be young.
- [pounding on door.]
- Who's that? You know, don't you worry, sweetie, if he catches something, we'll take him to the doctor, give him a shot in the rump, he'll be right as rain.
- [laughter.]
- [pounding continues.]
[growling and groaning.]
Oh, my God! What's happening? [dramatic musical stin Help us, please! Ah, I love these little family chats.
Oh, my God [screams.]
[screaming indistinctly.]
[screaming.]
Oh, my God, Julian! [growling and groaning.]
No! No! No! [screaming.]
[both screaming.]
And now, a word from our sponsor.
[rock music.]
[blows thudding.]
["La Marseillaise" plays.]
[woman singing in French.]
[crowd chatter.]
Where is she, you sadistic freak? Karma.
When I dropped her off at Kane Hill, that place was halfway normal.
- [blow thumps.]
- [grunts.]
And now I find that it's a sugar-fiend shit show.
Someone checked her out.
Who was it? Kane Hill? Kane Hill sounds familiar.
You were the goddamn hospital administrator.
[dramatic musical sting.]
Ooh.
How's that even possible? Oh, I wear many hats.
I see.
This isn't working.
It's just turning him on.
Oh, the good cop, my hero.
He knows the truth, Barbie.
And I'm gonna beat it out of him.
Okay, well, why don't you let me ask him some questions while he still has some teeth? Okay.
What does Heart want with medical facilities and what does that have to do with patients like Karma? Tell me how they're connected.
The neck bone's connected to the Shoulder bone The shoulder bone's connected to the Rib bone [softly.]
The neck bone's connected to the [intense dubstep music plays.]
[cheering.]
You really think he's here, sis? Take a look.
This place has Slink written together: All over it.
Why would he come back? Doesn't look like he's honoring the dead.
Well, whatever the reason, thank God he came back to Meadeville.
We never would have found him.
We don't even know what he looks like.
[crowd chanting.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Well, we're about to find out.
[chanting continues.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Come on, Jackie Boy.
together: Let's rock and roll.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! [chanting continues in background.]
[uneven, rapid breathing.]
[metal doors clattering.]
[clank.]
[singsong.]
How's our newest asset? Stay away from me.
[doors rumble shut.]
Come out, Christopher.
[dainty ambient music.]
You must be cold in that gown.
I brought new, clean clothes just for you.
No more tests.
We're done with all that.
No more needles.
No experiments of any kind.
I promise.
That's it.
Your eye is ready.
[instrument clinks.]
I only want to take off your bandage.
[dainty ominous music.]
So, please, try to relax.
Your partner may have abandoned you, but we at Heart Enterprises take care of our own.
Your cooperation hasn't gone unnoticed.
You're good as new.
Here.
See for yourself.
[sighs.]
Say hello to Christopher 2.
0.
[ominous music.]
[screams.]
[both screaming.]
Tell you what, let me do my job, and I'll pretend this little interrogation never happened.
Not until you tell us the truth about Karma, about Heart, about all the messed-up things you people have ever done.
The world's gone to hell, Officer Krupke.
We're the norm now.
You're the anomaly.
Why don't you just accept it? Because that's not true.
Not everyone's as bad as you.
Show me one unsullied thing on this septic tank of a planet.
[brooding music.]
Ah.
- And I'm not the only one.
- [chuckles.]
Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, he's a good cop too.
Oh, Gracie, piggy here thinks he's a poster boy.
Well, that Action Man costume's not fooling me for one second, Arthur dear.
I think we both know who you really are.
They're getting rowdy out there.
It won't be long before they come in here and trash the place.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Do you hear that, Arthur? Do you hear that, huh? That's one big animal horde that craves carnage.
One giant, rotting circus.
And I'm P.
T.
Barnum.
Where you going? To tame the lions.
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Good evening, Mayhemers! Let's hear it for your Master of Ceremonies.
[crickets chirping.]
[microphone feedback whine.]
Uh Who's ready for a good time? - You suck! - [scattered laughter.]
- You suck! - [crowd booing.]
[glass smashing.]
Okay ah.
That hurts.
That hurt excuse me, that hurts.
Uh, is it getting hot in here, or is it, uh, just me? [light, whimsical whistling.]
Slink.
I don't know, Diane.
He doesn't look like a mass murderer.
Yeah, well, he's a trickster by trade.
Don't let him fool you.
That's Slink.
- Okay.
- [crowd booing.]
Uh, tough crowd, tough tough crowd.
Okay, jeez uh Okay Uh a guy sits down on a bus, and he's very frustrated When is it okay to kill? [Arthur continues talking in background.]
"When it's for love.
" [uplifting music.]
All right.
Let's do it.
- For mother - [together.]
And father.
Wait.
We'll never get to him through this crowd.
We're gonna have to thin the herd.
The plan was to kill Slink, not a whole party.
Well, they might try and stop us.
So why don't we give them the kiss and let the virus do its job? And then we take him out when there is nobody left [together.]
To stop us.
Good.
Now, remember, lay it on thick.
[schmaltzy pop music.]
[ominous sting.]
Forever Ooh ooh ooh Yes, I'll wait forever Welcome to Meadeville.
[ominous whistling.]
What the hell'd you do to me? Think of it as a metaphor for Heart Enterprises becoming a part of you.
[ambient music.]
That isn't how a metaphor works.
In the outside world, you may have considered yourself an individual, but here at Heart, you'll be a small component of something far greater.
Not interested.
I'm going home.
Okay.
- Really? - Of course.
You're free to go.
[soft dramatic music.]
But not before you settle up.
[voice distorting.]
That eye cost $20 million.
[ominous chords.]
[punk rock music playing.]
[crowd booing.]
Ah oh, okay.
This looks like somebody had a little too much sugar today.
[music, crowd muffled.]
[metallic clank.]
[clinking.]
Pour us a glass of wine.
We'll make a night of it.
What are you? I told you, I exist for one reason and one reason alone.
I am the Master of Mayhem, Captain of Chaos, God of the Stage.
What do you say we wrap this up, hmm? Or if you prefer, we can both watch your Barbie doll diiiiie.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says to the other muffin, "It's it's getting hot in here.
" And that muffin turns to the other muffin, says, "Oh, my oh, my God, a talking muffin.
" [crowd booing.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! The only thing we're killing tonight is jokes, am I right? Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Oh [muffled chanting continues.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Crowd's all you care about.
What's a shepherd without his flock? [muffled crowd chanting.]
Kill the cop! Kill the cop! Arthur.
How many cops does it Arthur! Just quit messing around and give 'em what they want.
[all yelling.]
Okay.
How many cops does it take to fix a water [glass smashes.]
- [whomp.]
- [crowd screams.]
- [thud.]
- Uhh! [cheering.]
Oh, you like that? You want to fight the cop? [crowd cheering.]
Come and try.
[punk rock music.]
[blow thuds.]
[roars.]
[whistling "Wheels on the Bus".]
[punk rock music continues.]
[women giggle.]
- - [lovemaking moans.]
I know this was my idea, but seeing them all like this reminds me of [together.]
Mother and Father.
They used to smash all our Elvis Presley records.
How could this have happened to them? It wasn't their fault.
Father caught it.
Do you remember the day he brought it back from work? He was driving so fast he crashed the Buick [together.]
Into the apple tree.
Couldn't wait to ravage Mother.
[lovemaking noises.]
[schmaltzy pop music.]
I can still hear them in my head, doing the deed.
[moaning.]
All the grunting and the moaning.
[moaning.]
And if they could give into their deepest, darkest desires, then it can happen to anyone.
For it's you that I adore And forevermore I could have gone with other boys Will I ever find the one? "It is certain.
" How will I know it's her? "She'll be your sister.
" And let me love you all the time For it's you that I adore You know what? You keep those memories in your mind.
'Cause when it's all over and Slink is dead, you'll know it wasn't all for nothing.
You're right, I I don't know what I'd do without you.
You really are all I have.
Be mine be mine [leather stretches, snaps.]
Love me all the time And never ever [grunts.]
You want a show? [cheering and booing.]
[yelling.]
Here he comes, Jackie Boy.
We're just a kiss away.
Be mine, be mine Be mine, be mine [overlapping shouting.]
Let's go! [blows thumping.]
[wails.]
[object shatters.]
Come on! [woman shouting indistinctly.]
Yeah [crowd gasps.]
[soft murmuring.]
- [laughs.]
- [crowd cheers.]
- Yeah! - [punk rock music playing.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - [overlapping shouting.]
[muffled.]
Yeah! Okay, here's a little peek behind the curtain.
[wrist snaps.]
Someone at Heart is obsessed with you.
Yeah, I don't care about Heart.
That's Arthur's bag.
I just want my sister back.
Oh, but you should, you should care very much.
You see, someone at the top is pulling the strings.
[wrist creaking.]
He has designs for you [cracking.]
[metallic schwing.]
And your little Karma.
Ah ah, play nice, and I'll tell you everything you need to know.
[dark music.]
The fastest way to pay off your debt is with a job.
But in the mailroom? [phones ringing.]
So how long's this gonna take? 961 years, 6 months, 14 days, 23 hours.
What? Have these sorted and delivered within the hour.
[sultry rock music.]
[groaning.]
Just tap out, Susan.
Just tap out.
Yah! Yeah! Who's the fucking cop? Where'd everybody go? [woman giggling.]
I'm putting on a show here! Hey, where you going, ladies? Hey, where Oh, you wanna play, Daddy? Okay, now! [giggles, gasps.]
Oh, maybe we should, uh, go to dinner first? [dramatic musical sting.]
What does Heart want with Karma and me? [dark music.]
[distant moaning.]
[sniffing.]
Do you smell that? Don't change the subject.
[soft click.]
- [sniffs.]
- [distant moaning.]
Look outside.
I'm not joking.
[overlapping moaning, exclamations.]
What do you see? Besides the Smurf orgy, quickly.
Who do you see that doesn't fit in? Well, I see a man and a woman that look like grown-up versions of the Bobbsey Twins.
Listen to me very carefully, very, very carefully.
Grace, they will destroy everything.
Those two may appear harmless, but they're not.
They've unleashed something very serious, and we need to put an end to it.
"We"? We Slink, there is no "we.
" So quit playing games.
Where is Karma? I'll tell you how to find her.
But if you want my help, you and Arthur have got to stop those twins! [dramatic musical sting.]
[moaning echoes.]
[surf rock music.]
Jack and Diane out there, they're the sole survivors of a little local experiment of ours.
Why am I not surprised? So, what, this is some sort of sex plague? What better place to test a passion potion than the uptight little hamlet of Meadeville? Meadeville, Steel City, L.
A.
How many towns did you assholes destroy? How many are on the map? [chuckles.]
Look, when that infection has reached its final stage and they're done shooting their bluege, that purple porno out there is gonna turn violent.
They're gonna start tearing each other apart, along with everyone they come in contact with.
Good.
I don't need them.
Oh, but you do need me if you want help finding Karma.
And if they destroy the Blood Drive, that's never gonna happen.
So if Heart created this disease, they must have made a cure for it too, right? I ordered our head scientist to test an antidote, just in case, but when we lost control of the town, Dr.
Vermaak [percussive rock music.]
Had to abandon his work.
All of his research is stored next door.
The bottling plant.
Somebody needs to get into the lab, find the formula, so that we can turn all the Mayhemers back to normal.
If Arthur and I do this, you tell me where she is.
[handcuffs rattle.]
Scout's honor.
[surf rock music.]
[moaning and panting.]
Mr.
Slink.
We've waited a long time to meet you, and we're gonna enjoy watching you suffer.
But, uh I'm not Slink.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
No, no, no.
Slimeball can't even put a sentence together.
Let's get him out of here.
His name is Arthur Bailey.
And he's a ContraCrime cop.
Don't believe me? Check his name tag.
[lovemaking noises continue.]
She's telling the truth.
- This isn't our guy.
- [sighs.]
Let's go.
[soft slapping.]
Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mmm! Oh, hell no.
Oh, come on, just one good one, baby.
Oh, Arthur, stop.
I need to talk to you, okay? Tell me, tell me, yeah.
My bad, I'm I don't know what got into me.
Okay, look, Dr.
Vermaak, there's a bottling plant - Arthur, Arthur - Come on.
- [thud.]
- Ooh! [sharp exhale.]
Better? - Yes, thank you.
- Great.
- No, I'm better.
- Yeah, we cool? - I'm listening.
- Let's go.
[jazzy schmaltzy music.]
Listen, you piece of shit, this script is way too vanilla.
It made me gag.
Ramp up the violence.
Where is the nudity? I want tits murdering dicks! Yeah, hey, guys, okay, okay.
Get ready to shit.
Blood Drive's getting picked up.
Uh-huh.
[ominous tone.]
[laughs.]
Right? I know.
Yeah, live to the world, baby.
I'm looking at the paperwork right now.
Yeah, well, that's because you are the Shakespeare of our time.
Shakespeare.
The dead guy in England.
Never mind.
- Yeah.
- Blood Enterprises.
Can I help you? [static.]
Smax! What the [electrical static.]
Did you really think our car was the only one with a camera? [tires squealing.]
[engine revving.]
What the f The world's gone to hell, Officer Krupke.
We are the norm now.
You're the anomaly.
- Why don't you just accept it? - Because that's not true.
Not everyone's as bad as you.
Show me one unsullied thing on this septic tank of a planet.
Ah.
- And I'm not the only one.
- [chuckles.]
Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, - he's a good cop too.
- Oh! I knew you wouldn't abandon me, buddy.
Stay strong.
You got your boy on the inside.
[static.]
Yeah, no, look, it's all here.
We got we got we got future episode outlines.
We got air dates.
Everything's here.
Yes, I will take it down to the Hall of Secrets.
Yeah, okay.
Uh-huh.
[sniffs.]
[dark, suspenseful music.]
[sniffs.]
So Karma is connected to Heart I knew it.
Okay, look, we've gotta divide and conquer.
You have to go to the plant and find the lab where this guy, Dr.
Vermaak, was building the antidote.
Okay, I'm just supposed to pick up where he left off? I'm not a scientist.
How am I supposed to do that? All of his research is still in those films.
Okay? Slink says you just have to find the right reel, and it'll give us the instructions on how to make the cure.
Okay, say I find it, then what? Then I drag these bastards to the plant where you're waiting with the cure for me, and we inoculate them together Oh, my God, you're not even listening to me.
[snap, snap.]
- [thud.]
- Ooh! [strained.]
Oh, God.
- You with me? - Yeah.
I think.
Yeah, I got it.
All right.
- Oh, and Barbie? - Yeah? Slink's gonna stall the twins, but not for long.
Hmm.
Hiya, Slink.
Doris Day.
Where's Buddy Holly? So, it is you.
You killed everyone we ever loved.
Well, it doesn't sound like me.
Perhaps you've mistaken me for my brother Gary.
[music, background noise.]
Ah.
Just to be clear, I'm an EVP now.
[dark, whimsical music.]
Save the kisses, Sandra Dee.
I'm immune, just like you.
Oh, I know that.
I was just kissing you good-bye.
Hello, Jack.
Slink.
[whistling.]
[ominous music.]
[beep.]
[distant clank.]
[soft suspenseful music.]
[whistling.]
Too easy.
[low chime.]
Carpenter, Christopher, mailroom clerk.
Access denied.
Clearance level three required for entry.
Acceptable positions include: CEO, vice president, security guard, fluffer, primo, head of marketing, power bottom.
Security guard.
[suspenseful music.]
[upbeat schmaltzy music.]
Ay, Chihuahua.
Oh, mama.
Ah, focus.
Focus.
[breathing heavily.]
Okay.
All right, you little bitch.
[thump.]
[soft suspenseful music.]
Sorry, fellas.
Okay.
What the hell? "Dionysus Strain.
" "Entire town infected.
"Subjects turning violent.
"Aborting experiment.
"For latest cure inquest, refer to test reel 245.
" Test reel 245.
[whispers.]
Is this reel [exhales.]
Bingo.
Slink.
Diane.
Tonight you pay for your treachery.
For poisoning our father.
Our family.
[together.]
Our town.
Ah, yes, the poor little people of Meadeville.
You laced our father's lunch meat with that venereal scourge.
Boo-hoo, Peggy Sue.
What are you going to do about it, hmm? [electricity hums.]
Ooh, right where it all began.
So what? Your little town was boring.
You ask me, I gave you a clean slate.
You kind of owe me, actually.
We didn't ask for this.
All we ever wanted to be was normal.
Get a summer job.
Maybe meet that special someone.
But because of you, any hope of that is gone.
We're all alone.
Forever.
[eerie music.]
Ooh.
Dinner and a movie.
You know, if I'd known we were gonna bottle-shred and chill, I'd have brought chocolates.
No chocolates.
- Just retribution.
- [ding.]
You know, the drug just turns you on.
You have to actually want to screw in the first place.
News flash: you two, you ain't so squeaky.
And if your friends and your teachers and good ol' Mom and Dad hadn't been so repressed, you might just be sitting at home right now, enjoying your supper from a TV tray.
Start it up, sis.
[agonized screams.]
[engine grinding.]
[tense music.]
[woman screaming.]
[ominous percussive music.]
Yo! Free beer at the plant next door.
[crowd grunting.]
[scattered screaming.]
[crazed groaning.]
- [flesh ripping.]
- Yeah! [grunting.]
[tense music.]
Hey, sluts and hard-ons! Who wants fresh meat? - [muffled muttering.]
- [commotion growing.]
Okay, this is the part where I run.
Good first day? The best.
I learned a lot.
I knew you'd fit right in.
[soft, eerie music.]
Yeah, about that I like this job and all, but I think I'd be better at security.
[mechanical click.]
Your skills do match nicely with our internal defense systems.
[tsks.]
Exactly.
Glad you see it my way.
Security is a big responsibility, Christopher.
But it also comes with coveted perks.
What kind of perks? [whoosh.]
Advanced clearance and a unique set of elective upgrades and body modifications.
[mechanical clicking.]
However, your hearing with the promotions board isn't scheduled until quarter three of the year 2186.
I want this job.
Anything I could do to speed up the process? [soft electronic music.]
[zipper sound.]
Dick quo pro.
[mechanical click.]
This is Dr.
Abel Vermaak, here in the repression fuckatorium where it all began, commencing test reel number 245.
I've injected the specimens with the aforementioned Dionysus Strain.
Each is a carrier.
Born to the same litter, they possess a similar genetic makeup.
They're siblings.
[sultry rock music.]
[glass crunching.]
Enough appetizers.
Time for the main course.
Where are you, Copper? Now, as we've seen, close proximity between the infected yields lethal results.
But in this case, something quite curious happens when brother and sister are compelled [suspenseful music.]
To copulate.
You gotta be shitting me.
Once they copulate, they will secrete a bright orange discharge which can be used as the antidote and a lubricant.
[sultry jazz music.]
Oh, my God.
Arthur! [crowd growling.]
Arthur! No, no, no, no! Not this way, not this way! [snarling.]
- You got it? - The twins.
If they have sex with each other, it'll create an antidote.
Of course it does.
Uhh! Grace, you gotta get them to fuck! [screams.]
How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't know.
You gotta go find them.
I'll hold the door.
[panting.]
[groans.]
Hurry! Oh, God.
[machine grinding.]
Wait! You don't need to kill him.
Just do it, Jack.
We've waited long enough.
No, just listen! I know this murdering bastard deserves to die, trust me.
Grace, you're really not helping.
But he's the only key I have to finding my sister.
Besides, killing him is not gonna fix your real problem.
What are you talking about? [grunts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God, they're coming! Ooh ah! They're coming! [weakly.]
They're coming Get in there.
Look, uh, I used to resist all my urges too, but not anymore.
It's dangerous, you know, 'cause these these urges, they keep growing inside you.
Ah Swelling until you can't control them anymore.
You don't know us at all.
But I do.
[groans.]
I know that you think you're destined to be alone, but don't you see that special person is standing right beside you.
Ahh And there's no no one judging here.
I see how you look at each other.
[zombies groaning and growling.]
All you have to do is just get close and then [funky rock music.]
[intense tone.]
[brooding music.]
Touched for the very first time.
[blades clinking.]
[both scream.]
Grace, get ready! Hold, hold, hold [gurgling.]
Spray them! Do it now! Disseminate the cure.
[all growling and snarling.]
[suspenseful music.]
[dramatic music.]
[crowd muttering, shouting.]
[all grunting, groaning.]
[crowd quieting down.]
[rock music.]
[engine revving.]
A deal's a deal, Slink.
Start talking.
You you got a little something.
You and I both know what that thing was.
A giant version of the Blood Drive engine.
Again with the diary.
I found this back there in that lab.
"Soul Reclamator prototype not yet functional.
" [dramatic music.]
What the hell's a Soul Reclamator? Sooner or later, the good cop is gonna have to admit that deep down inside, [whispering.]
he's a bad guy.
[spits.]
I rest my case.
And what a speech you gave! So nice to meet the real Grace.
Soft, vulnerable, all of her armor stripped away.
You know, that'll get you killed.
Do I look soft to you? Fine.
Today the Blood Drive takes a detour.
Karma was transferred from Kane Hill to the Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women.
I've rerouted the next leg to take you right past it.
Now if you want to take that time to find your little sister, fine by me.
But if you're the last one across that finish line rules still apply.
[dramatic music buildup.]
[sizzle, rumbling.]
You do exactly what they ask, and they still have more goddamn notes.
[rock music.]
[hard rock chords.]