Blood Drive (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Booby Traps
1 Previously on "Blood Drive" What better place to test a passion potion than the uptight little hamlet of Meadeville? So what, this is some sort of sex plague? - Arthur - Come on.
- [grunts.]
- What the hell'd you do to me? Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, he's a good cop too.
I knew you wouldn't abandon me, buddy.
You got your boy on the inside.
Listen.
I want tits murdering dicks! Guys, "Blood Drive's" getting picked up.
We got future episode outlines.
We got air dates.
Everything's here.
Yes, I will take it down to The Hall of Secrets.
Karma was transferred from Kane Hill to the Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women.
I've rerouted the next leg to take you right past it, but if you're the last one across that finish line, rules still apply.
I want a young love [screaming.]
We only have one shot at this.
We gotta race balls out, build up an early lead - so we have enough time.
- Great.
So we find Claireview and bust Karma out of there and haul ass across the finish line before our heads explode.
- Pretty solid exposition.
- Oh, eat me, Barbie.
So, um about last night.
I mean, with us.
I was under the influence.
So I just don't want things to get, you know, weird out there on the road.
- No, no, no weirdness.
- Okay.
We're, you know, got it on lock.
I'm I'm dialed in.
So relax, Barbie.
You're off the hook.
But only because I'm in a kick-ass mood today.
I'm gonna see my baby sister.
I just think we make a good team, and I don't wanna mess that up.
You really think we make a good team? Yeah, I think we complement each other.
Sort of the way a left-brain, right-brain work together.
You know, you're tough and street-smart, and sort of, uh a murderer.
[rousing orchestral music playing.]
Good morning, Blood Drivers.
Forgive my absence.
Last night's excitement left me in a sticky situation.
[chuckles.]
Pretty sure that some of you out there might just be able to relate, but this morning we begin with the most frightening words in all of Blood Drive: There's been a change of plan.
For the first time in Blood Drive history, we're racing directly through the Savage Land.
Drivers, start your engines.
[engines turning over.]
[grunts.]
[rock music.]
What do what are you You make it too easy.
Lighten up, Barbie.
We've just got grenades in our heads, driving blood-drinking cars through the wasteland in order to find Karma.
Piece of cake.
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ["Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett.]
You're living in the past it's a new generation A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation Oh no - all: No, no, no, no, no, no As a gentle reminder to keep that right foot down and your eyes on the prize, we rigged your car to shut down for ten minutes if you touch the brakes even for a moment.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Blood Drive has gone brakeless.
See you at the finish line.
- All: No, no, no, no, no - Not me all: Me, me, me, me, me, me - Oh all: No, no, no, no, no, no - Yeah me all: Me, me, me, me, me, me I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation A little fast.
Little fast.
Watch it.
Watch it.
If we don't build a gap, we're dead.
I ain't gonna change And I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation Oh no - all: No, no, no, no, no, no - Not me - Let me try this.
All: Me, me, me - Oh, no What're you doing? Not me - all: Me, me, me, me, me, me Pedal boys.
["Cream Sherry" by Alana Amram and the Rough Gems playing.]
Making great time, hon.
You know what's wonderful about this moment? - Potentially winning? - No, no.
That we're doing it together.
Oh, that too.
[chuckles.]
It's like we turned back the clock.
Yep.
Before you started killing on your own.
In the bathroom with the handle of a hairbrush.
[laughing.]
Water running like I can't hear what's going on in there.
Oh, God.
[sighs.]
We're gonna be a real homicidal couple again.
This is just super.
When I started doing it without you? Right.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you ever at fault? - There we go.
- Why do you drive me away? [clicks.]
Ro's coming for ya! Also means you're dead! Row, row, row boat Oh! - [tires squeal.]
- [snarling.]
There you are, partner.
Not trying to be a fuddy-duddy Just hold on.
I'm coming your way.
'Cause I'm the man with the plan.
[soft dramatic music.]
You're awake much earlier than usual.
Who are you talking to? Nobody, baby.
I got some work stuff to take care of before my shift starts.
It's like we never get a break, you know? I do not.
Security guards appear to do very little.
Wow.
Okay.
Agree to dis'.
Your behavior is strange.
You have more swagger.
Your body language is that of an alpha primate.
Last night, a lot of things changed between us, baby.
You're referring to our intercourse? Totally.
Oh, hey, might be home late tonight.
Might grab a drink after work so don't wait up.
[distorted voice.]
Unacceptable.
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax.
[tense music.]
We took things to a new level.
You know what I'm saying? Emotional levels.
Feelings.
We're, like, vulnerable to each other's needs now.
So there'll be times when you're gonna lean on me and then other times When I'm not gonna come home and do what the fuck I want.
[beeping.]
Yes, dear.
- Really? - Correct.
I have no reason not to trust you.
Really? Okay.
So I'll be back later.
I look forward to it.
Have a lovely day.
[engines revving.]
I think we got this.
If we keep this pace we should be fine.
[dramatic music.]
Is that? Barbarian horde? Yep, that's a barbarian horde.
[humming.]
Did they holy shit! Okay.
[gasps.]
Stay calm! Stay calm! Don't brake! Don't brake! [humming.]
Find me, you bitch.
[grunting.]
Aah.
[both screaming.]
[both breathing heavily.]
That was way too close.
On the bright side, we're in first place now.
What's wrong with looking on the bright side? Whoa! Shit! I can't see.
I can't see! - We got this.
- How exactly do we got this? I'm a great backseat driver.
Just ask Christopher.
Uh Right, right, right, right.
I don't know how long I can keep this up.
Okay, just keep it straight.
- What're they doing? - Where are they going? Oh, shit, slow down.
You gotta slow down.
More.
Stop the car.
- We can't.
- You gotta brake.
- We can't! - The road's blocked ahead! - Stop you gotta hit the brake! - We can't! Arthur, no! [tires squeal.]
[engine dies.]
- You're welcome.
- Engine disabled.
Ten minutes.
We just got Wile E.
Coyote'd.
[dirt bike engines rev.]
[sighs.]
End of the line.
Let's go, Barbie.
Beep, beep.
[tense music.]
I got this.
How are you? Name is Arthur Bailey.
- Great to me - Aah! [suspenseful music.]
Oh.
- [beeps.]
- What the hell? [beeping.]
[beeping.]
[beeping.]
[mechanical whirring.]
You! You were on stage the night Arthur disappeared.
I'm sorry but if you'd like a signed photo you'll have to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5 - Where is he? - Safe in my capable hands.
[grunts.]
Where's Arthur? Is that who you're really looking for down here, Christopher? Hmm? I thought you'd joined Heart Enterprises for the robot pussy.
How'd you know about that? How's that investigation going, constable? Hmm? Shut up.
What Aki and I share is none of your business.
Aha.
I suspect trust isn't what you're sharing.
You know, she's watching us right now through that new eye of yours.
Hello? Hello.
Aki, darling.
[exhales slowly.]
[grunts.]
Stop it! [dramatic music.]
Say hello to the misses.
So, beautiful.
My name is Carolina.
Do you know where we are? This is Majora.
Our home.
They call us Barbarians, but it's not exactly barbaric, is it? The Seedmakers abandoned this resort because it didn't produce enough cash for them.
The Penny And the Penis Are all they care about.
Follow me.
[grunting.]
- [electricity crackling.]
- [grunting.]
All right! [soothing music playing.]
Take it off.
The world went to hell so you opened a Burke Williams? Males roll in the dirt like pigs, doesn't mean we have to.
Look, I don't have time for this.
I need to go get my sister.
You'll find many sisters here, Grace.
My real sister.
Take a seat.
[grunting.]
Sit down.
Relax.
When I get back, you and I will have a nice, long chat, and you can tell me all about why you can't stay here in paradise.
[tense music.]
[beeps, door opens.]
Move it along.
Let's go.
[beeps.]
The hell? [beeping.]
[beeping.]
[gurgling.]
Fuck a chainsaw.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
[exhales.]
[retching.]
[panting.]
What the fuck? [retching.]
Oh, thank God.
Never again.
I'll never come in here again.
I promise.
[retching.]
What do you want from me, Domi? The only language I speak is English.
Not you language, idiot.
Your love language.
Did you read any of the books that I gave you? Oh, yeah, that's what we need.
Another book to tell me how to make "Kiss Coupons" or my my "Seven Daily Marriage Affirmations.
" It doesn't work if you don't try.
No wonder we can't make any progress.
You're emotionally immature.
You don't even have emotions! - The doctor said so! - [sighs.]
It's not my fault those books are a scam.
All you do is treat me like a kid, telling me what to do all the time.
I wouldn't have to if you read a book that told you how to be a man.
I'd like to get out now.
Can't stop.
No brakes.
Besides, if I left you behind, your head would blow up.
More importantly, so would mine.
Good, because I'd rather be a smear on the highway than have to ride another mile with a [stammers.]
A what, Cliff? Say it.
Say it.
Or are you too stupid? Well, I was stupid enough to marry you! [gasps.]
Apologize.
- No.
- [scoffs.]
Engine disabled.
Ten minutes.
Well, then we're gonna sit here until we both die, because there is no way that I am crossing the finish line with a pathetic little loser like you.
[knocks on window.]
Oh.
Hello.
[engine revving.]
I suppose this is my fault too.
- [grunting.]
- [breathing heavily.]
Hey.
Water.
Please.
Water.
- [groaning.]
- [breathing heavily.]
[gulping, exhaling.]
[laughs shakily.]
Thank the goddamn tits.
Finally, another dude.
Shh.
Don't tell 'em I got this.
Don't get your hopes up.
[grunts.]
It only opens this door.
[indie rock music playing.]
Catch the rising wind [sighs.]
[exhales, farts.]
[sighs.]
Keep the juices flowing, man.
You're gonna need it.
How long have you been here? Uh [chuckles.]
No idea.
What do they want from you? The only thing they can't get on their own.
[grunts.]
The Clam Ram.
[laughs softly.]
- You mean they - Look for yourself.
[soft dramatic music.]
Ah.
Oh [moans.]
Quiet! Ah, oh, God! [moaning.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
[moaning.]
How are you still alive? Eh, it's not so bad.
After a while, it just kind of tingles.
Glad there's another bro here, though.
- Move it.
- [moaning.]
[door opens.]
[grunting.]
[moaning.]
[door closes.]
Hey, dude welcome to paradise! [laughs.]
Can I get a beer? [gasps.]
Ah.
Ah, I am loving this little pit stop.
Yeah, we'll see how much you love it when we lose the race and our heads explode.
Half the field is back on the highway waiting for their cars to turn on.
There's more than enough time to enjoy a bit of Majora's hospitality.
And this is so refreshing.
Don't you think? Like citrus breeze.
[grunts.]
[growls, grunts.]
[funky dramatic music.]
Stop right there.
Back down.
I understand your resistance, but I want you to tear down your wall and be free.
Everybody's free here at Majora.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, what about him? - Every person here is free.
- Yeah, got it.
Um, all right, well, thanks for the wash and wax, but I have places to be, so where's Arthur? Is Arthur your male? No, he is not my male.
He is my partner, and we have a rehab facility to get to, so if you ladies don't mind Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women? You know it? We were inmates there.
Tortured by their guards, their men, but we burned that hell hole to the ground.
So if you're still trying to find Claireview, why don't you head up north and look for the crater? It might still be smoking.
Another dead end.
[sighs.]
Goddamn it, Karma, you never make this easy, do you? Karma D'Argento's your sister? How do you know that name? She's been with us since the beginning.
[suspenseful music.]
Take me to her.
Yeah, sorry.
Could I, uh, uh, could I, uh, you know, get a beer? Ah, sorry, man.
All out.
You got a whole coo You got a whole cooler.
- We gotta get outta here.
- Nice.
Don't be such a whiny bitch, dude.
The ladies feed us, give us beer, and all we gotta do is jizz for it.
Basically, we're living the dream.
[laughs.]
They suck semen out of your body with a milking machine.
Yeah? But at least the machine's not allowed to vote.
[chuckles.]
Am I right? Up top like [laughs.]
[door opens.]
Grace's male.
Let's go.
[dramatic music.]
Batter up, man.
Let it all hang out.
- Hey, thanks for the beer, man.
- Yeah, no problem.
No, I'm a hugger.
[laughing.]
[grunts.]
Whew.
[grunts.]
[groans.]
[exhales.]
[tense music.]
We're afraid our audience won't be able to connect to any of these characters.
They barely even wanna fuck 'em.
Because they're not cool.
Maybe we should have 'em in sunglasses.
And smoke.
Smoking and sunglasses.
[stammers.]
But there needs to be a story.
Subtle, nuanced characterizations of love, betrayal, and No one cares about story.
We told you that.
Yes, tell me again about how my show works.
We intend to.
I reviewed your SDCs.
They are well below target range.
My Strategic Dismemberment Counts are 38% above target.
And your survival rates are too high.
Your per capita maim number's the lowest we've seen - in a decade.
- And worst of all, in your most recent race report, I count 15 typos.
[quietly.]
15.
- Impossible.
- You're aware of our policy mandating the use of the Oxford comma? - What the fuck, man? - Nothing more than a stylistic conceit of publishing houses.
Entirely gratuitous to precise language.
[groans, coughs.]
That's enough, Slink.
I'm sorry.
All this bend-your-wrist song and dance horseshit just doesn't do it for me.
Here's the top line note.
Between the Meadeville fiasco and the escapades at Kane Hill, you've lost control.
Our in-house viewership has spiked to an all-time high since you've been absent.
We're going public.
"Blood Drive" will air worldwide starting next Wednesday.
[laughs.]
Finally.
Without you.
What? [scoffs, stammering.]
But how? How? You you you can't just just plop the "Blood Drive" into people's homes without my guiding hand.
A work like this, it needs a singular voice, an artist, and I will not compromise my vision for anyone.
We don't need you.
Fine.
We'll do it your way then, but I'd like a larger trailer.
Just tell me what you want.
I want you to die.
[coughing, grunting.]
What do you mean, we can't kill him? What the fuck is a holding deal? Jesus.
I guess we've still got some bullshit to work out.
We owe our lives to your sister.
All of Majora exists because of her bravery.
She led the revolt at Claireview.
I always knew that I was strong, but when I saw your sister fight, damn.
She made us brave.
She made us all brave.
This is a holy place.
Wait, where's Karma? I'm sorry.
Karma fell in the revolt.
There was nothing I could do.
[solemn music.]
Wait.
What do you mean? Karma's dead.
How did she die? There was so much chaos.
All I know is she fought like a warrior.
She died alone? She died surrounded by her sisters.
No! I'm her sister.
I should have been here.
I should have I should have [sighs.]
I need to be with her alone.
Sisters, leave us quickly.
Quickly! Can I ask you why'd you two part ways if you were so close? It's complicated.
There was this guy that You see? Men.
Men took Karma away from you, and men took Karma away from me.
Oh, for fuck sakes, just go! [unintelligible shouting.]
[tense music.]
- Aah! - Causing trouble already? What you're doing to those men is immoral.
The Seedmakers have food, shelter, a reason to ejaculate.
That's all the beasts need.
- [shouts.]
- [grunts.]
- [grunts.]
- Put him on the altar, and when he's dead, kill the short, silly one too.
- [shouts.]
- [grunts.]
- Up, up! - [panting.]
Domi.
Your wife's not gonna save you.
She can't fight as well as us.
- Shut up.
- It's not her fault.
It's genetics.
Come on, baby.
Get me out of here.
[tapping in Morse Code.]
- [gurgling.]
- Ladies, I want to thank you for the delightful spa treatment and refreshments [gasping.]
- [both grunting.]
- [flesh ripping.]
But it's time I see myself out.
Hello, honey.
How was your day? Oh, you know.
How was yours? Acceptable.
[tense music.]
I know this is new to both of us.
Relationships are work and shit.
But when you installed my prosthetic eye, did you install some sort of software so you could see what I'm seeing? And some sort of puke-cannon? How else could I trust you? Baby, why? One of my many objectives is to maintain a level of control over Heart assets.
Is that all I am to you? Just just another asset? 'Cause I thought we had something Oh, baby.
I'm an Autonomous Kinetic Intercourse Machine.
I have no emotional directives, and even if I did, they would not be affected by filling my semen reservoirs.
But I thought I could trust you.
Trust? Like I could trust you not to snoop around where you don't belong? If you were attempting to manipulate my emotions, Christopher I'm afraid you've only manipulated yourself.
I have no emotions.
I feel nothing.
So we'll just keep it casual, I guess.
After all you're literally just a sex object.
I was too late.
[sighs.]
[solemn music.]
All those miles I raced, all those people I killed.
None of it mattered.
Is this what it felt like? Is this what it felt like when I left you? [crying softly.]
'Cause it hurts so bad.
- [ATV engines revving.]
- [screaming.]
Grace! Aah! [dramatic music.]
[screaming continues in distance.]
I thought she'd come for me.
Ah, forget about her, man.
You wanna I don't know sneak into the seeding room and milk ourselves? You know, teach 'em a lesson? [grunts.]
[panting.]
Hey there, handsome.
[laughs.]
Grace! - Aah! - [grunts.]
No Grace, no mercy.
Aah! Aah! [grunts.]
Why are hot girls always so mean? [grunts.]
You keep on talking and you'll die.
I can't help that I'm charming.
All Seedmakers, you're all the same.
You killed Karma and you destroyed Grace's life! No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
I'm trying to help her! Leave him alone! [grunts.]
Ugh.
I didn't want you to see this, Grace, but I'm glad you're here now.
This is the only way you'll be free.
- [distant engine revving.]
- [woman shouting.]
- [engine revving.]
- [women screaming.]
[grunting and shouting.]
["Suicidal" by Dead Sara.]
You did this.
Sisters, defend Majora! Grace.
Grace.
Cut the ropes.
We'll take her together.
I got this, Barbie.
It's girl's night.
You're poison, Grace.
Brainwashed by the Capitalists and the Warmongers - and the Seedmakers.
- Shut up, Carolina.
Your bullshit's already killed one D'Argento.
It wasn't my fault.
I loved her.
Grace, what're you doing? Let's see if you can kill another.
- I'm done fighting.
- [electricity crackles.]
- Aah! - Grace! Suicidal - [electricity crackles.]
- [grunting.]
You're a fucking disgrace to your kind.
Yeah? What kind is that? Huh? [breathing heavily.]
An angry, bitter piece of shit that blames the world for her mistakes? That's not what I taught my sister, and I know that's not what she would want for this place.
[grunting.]
You failed her.
Just like I failed her.
'Cause here's the truth.
No matter what shit you've been through, it doesn't justify hurting other people.
He taught me that.
Then it's a lie.
No, the truth's the truth, no matter what idiot says it.
So come on, Carolina.
I'm dying to see what a washed-up failure like you can do to me.
[grunts.]
Grace! [both grunting.]
- [straining.]
- [grunting.]
I can be, I can be, I can be what you want - [laughing.]
- Why you laughing, huh? Huh? Is that all you got? - [both grunting.]
- [straining.]
What, you can't finish the job? [breathing heavily.]
I know what you're trying to do.
You want to be punished for your guilt, and I won't be part of it.
- Come on, Carolina.
- [straining.]
Look how quickly we've torn ourselves apart.
Grace.
What'd you do to her? Nothing we haven't done to ourselves.
Hoo-ooh Run and blow my life away I wake up to another day Run and blow my life away I wake up to another day Run and blow my life away Ooh [gentle music playing.]
I'm so sorry we had that little kerfuffle.
I'm sorry too.
It was completely my fault.
You know, you're right.
Solving problems together, that's when we're at our best.
I'm so glad you said that because I have a little project that the two of us can share.
Sweetheart, that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
- [grunting.]
- [screaming.]
[solemn music.]
I'm sorry about Karma.
I know there's nothing I can do to bring her back to you.
But all that pain was put on you by Heart.
Your sister is one of thousands of victims.
The truth is I don't know how I can do this without you anymore.
So no more bullshit.
Nothing tying us down.
You and me working together actually stand a chance to fight Heart for Karma and all the rest of 'em.
Grace, we're so close.
I need you.
Grace, talk to me.
Can you hear me? Grace? [distant.]
Grace?
- [grunts.]
- What the hell'd you do to me? Christopher, wherever you're keeping him, he's a good cop too.
I knew you wouldn't abandon me, buddy.
You got your boy on the inside.
Listen.
I want tits murdering dicks! Guys, "Blood Drive's" getting picked up.
We got future episode outlines.
We got air dates.
Everything's here.
Yes, I will take it down to The Hall of Secrets.
Karma was transferred from Kane Hill to the Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women.
I've rerouted the next leg to take you right past it, but if you're the last one across that finish line, rules still apply.
I want a young love [screaming.]
We only have one shot at this.
We gotta race balls out, build up an early lead - so we have enough time.
- Great.
So we find Claireview and bust Karma out of there and haul ass across the finish line before our heads explode.
- Pretty solid exposition.
- Oh, eat me, Barbie.
So, um about last night.
I mean, with us.
I was under the influence.
So I just don't want things to get, you know, weird out there on the road.
- No, no, no weirdness.
- Okay.
We're, you know, got it on lock.
I'm I'm dialed in.
So relax, Barbie.
You're off the hook.
But only because I'm in a kick-ass mood today.
I'm gonna see my baby sister.
I just think we make a good team, and I don't wanna mess that up.
You really think we make a good team? Yeah, I think we complement each other.
Sort of the way a left-brain, right-brain work together.
You know, you're tough and street-smart, and sort of, uh a murderer.
[rousing orchestral music playing.]
Good morning, Blood Drivers.
Forgive my absence.
Last night's excitement left me in a sticky situation.
[chuckles.]
Pretty sure that some of you out there might just be able to relate, but this morning we begin with the most frightening words in all of Blood Drive: There's been a change of plan.
For the first time in Blood Drive history, we're racing directly through the Savage Land.
Drivers, start your engines.
[engines turning over.]
[grunts.]
[rock music.]
What do what are you You make it too easy.
Lighten up, Barbie.
We've just got grenades in our heads, driving blood-drinking cars through the wasteland in order to find Karma.
Piece of cake.
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ["Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett.]
You're living in the past it's a new generation A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation Oh no - all: No, no, no, no, no, no As a gentle reminder to keep that right foot down and your eyes on the prize, we rigged your car to shut down for ten minutes if you touch the brakes even for a moment.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Blood Drive has gone brakeless.
See you at the finish line.
- All: No, no, no, no, no - Not me all: Me, me, me, me, me, me - Oh all: No, no, no, no, no, no - Yeah me all: Me, me, me, me, me, me I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation A little fast.
Little fast.
Watch it.
Watch it.
If we don't build a gap, we're dead.
I ain't gonna change And I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation Oh no - all: No, no, no, no, no, no - Not me - Let me try this.
All: Me, me, me - Oh, no What're you doing? Not me - all: Me, me, me, me, me, me Pedal boys.
["Cream Sherry" by Alana Amram and the Rough Gems playing.]
Making great time, hon.
You know what's wonderful about this moment? - Potentially winning? - No, no.
That we're doing it together.
Oh, that too.
[chuckles.]
It's like we turned back the clock.
Yep.
Before you started killing on your own.
In the bathroom with the handle of a hairbrush.
[laughing.]
Water running like I can't hear what's going on in there.
Oh, God.
[sighs.]
We're gonna be a real homicidal couple again.
This is just super.
When I started doing it without you? Right.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you ever at fault? - There we go.
- Why do you drive me away? [clicks.]
Ro's coming for ya! Also means you're dead! Row, row, row boat Oh! - [tires squeal.]
- [snarling.]
There you are, partner.
Not trying to be a fuddy-duddy Just hold on.
I'm coming your way.
'Cause I'm the man with the plan.
[soft dramatic music.]
You're awake much earlier than usual.
Who are you talking to? Nobody, baby.
I got some work stuff to take care of before my shift starts.
It's like we never get a break, you know? I do not.
Security guards appear to do very little.
Wow.
Okay.
Agree to dis'.
Your behavior is strange.
You have more swagger.
Your body language is that of an alpha primate.
Last night, a lot of things changed between us, baby.
You're referring to our intercourse? Totally.
Oh, hey, might be home late tonight.
Might grab a drink after work so don't wait up.
[distorted voice.]
Unacceptable.
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax.
[tense music.]
We took things to a new level.
You know what I'm saying? Emotional levels.
Feelings.
We're, like, vulnerable to each other's needs now.
So there'll be times when you're gonna lean on me and then other times When I'm not gonna come home and do what the fuck I want.
[beeping.]
Yes, dear.
- Really? - Correct.
I have no reason not to trust you.
Really? Okay.
So I'll be back later.
I look forward to it.
Have a lovely day.
[engines revving.]
I think we got this.
If we keep this pace we should be fine.
[dramatic music.]
Is that? Barbarian horde? Yep, that's a barbarian horde.
[humming.]
Did they holy shit! Okay.
[gasps.]
Stay calm! Stay calm! Don't brake! Don't brake! [humming.]
Find me, you bitch.
[grunting.]
Aah.
[both screaming.]
[both breathing heavily.]
That was way too close.
On the bright side, we're in first place now.
What's wrong with looking on the bright side? Whoa! Shit! I can't see.
I can't see! - We got this.
- How exactly do we got this? I'm a great backseat driver.
Just ask Christopher.
Uh Right, right, right, right.
I don't know how long I can keep this up.
Okay, just keep it straight.
- What're they doing? - Where are they going? Oh, shit, slow down.
You gotta slow down.
More.
Stop the car.
- We can't.
- You gotta brake.
- We can't! - The road's blocked ahead! - Stop you gotta hit the brake! - We can't! Arthur, no! [tires squeal.]
[engine dies.]
- You're welcome.
- Engine disabled.
Ten minutes.
We just got Wile E.
Coyote'd.
[dirt bike engines rev.]
[sighs.]
End of the line.
Let's go, Barbie.
Beep, beep.
[tense music.]
I got this.
How are you? Name is Arthur Bailey.
- Great to me - Aah! [suspenseful music.]
Oh.
- [beeps.]
- What the hell? [beeping.]
[beeping.]
[beeping.]
[mechanical whirring.]
You! You were on stage the night Arthur disappeared.
I'm sorry but if you'd like a signed photo you'll have to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5 - Where is he? - Safe in my capable hands.
[grunts.]
Where's Arthur? Is that who you're really looking for down here, Christopher? Hmm? I thought you'd joined Heart Enterprises for the robot pussy.
How'd you know about that? How's that investigation going, constable? Hmm? Shut up.
What Aki and I share is none of your business.
Aha.
I suspect trust isn't what you're sharing.
You know, she's watching us right now through that new eye of yours.
Hello? Hello.
Aki, darling.
[exhales slowly.]
[grunts.]
Stop it! [dramatic music.]
Say hello to the misses.
So, beautiful.
My name is Carolina.
Do you know where we are? This is Majora.
Our home.
They call us Barbarians, but it's not exactly barbaric, is it? The Seedmakers abandoned this resort because it didn't produce enough cash for them.
The Penny And the Penis Are all they care about.
Follow me.
[grunting.]
- [electricity crackling.]
- [grunting.]
All right! [soothing music playing.]
Take it off.
The world went to hell so you opened a Burke Williams? Males roll in the dirt like pigs, doesn't mean we have to.
Look, I don't have time for this.
I need to go get my sister.
You'll find many sisters here, Grace.
My real sister.
Take a seat.
[grunting.]
Sit down.
Relax.
When I get back, you and I will have a nice, long chat, and you can tell me all about why you can't stay here in paradise.
[tense music.]
[beeps, door opens.]
Move it along.
Let's go.
[beeps.]
The hell? [beeping.]
[beeping.]
[gurgling.]
Fuck a chainsaw.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
[exhales.]
[retching.]
[panting.]
What the fuck? [retching.]
Oh, thank God.
Never again.
I'll never come in here again.
I promise.
[retching.]
What do you want from me, Domi? The only language I speak is English.
Not you language, idiot.
Your love language.
Did you read any of the books that I gave you? Oh, yeah, that's what we need.
Another book to tell me how to make "Kiss Coupons" or my my "Seven Daily Marriage Affirmations.
" It doesn't work if you don't try.
No wonder we can't make any progress.
You're emotionally immature.
You don't even have emotions! - The doctor said so! - [sighs.]
It's not my fault those books are a scam.
All you do is treat me like a kid, telling me what to do all the time.
I wouldn't have to if you read a book that told you how to be a man.
I'd like to get out now.
Can't stop.
No brakes.
Besides, if I left you behind, your head would blow up.
More importantly, so would mine.
Good, because I'd rather be a smear on the highway than have to ride another mile with a [stammers.]
A what, Cliff? Say it.
Say it.
Or are you too stupid? Well, I was stupid enough to marry you! [gasps.]
Apologize.
- No.
- [scoffs.]
Engine disabled.
Ten minutes.
Well, then we're gonna sit here until we both die, because there is no way that I am crossing the finish line with a pathetic little loser like you.
[knocks on window.]
Oh.
Hello.
[engine revving.]
I suppose this is my fault too.
- [grunting.]
- [breathing heavily.]
Hey.
Water.
Please.
Water.
- [groaning.]
- [breathing heavily.]
[gulping, exhaling.]
[laughs shakily.]
Thank the goddamn tits.
Finally, another dude.
Shh.
Don't tell 'em I got this.
Don't get your hopes up.
[grunts.]
It only opens this door.
[indie rock music playing.]
Catch the rising wind [sighs.]
[exhales, farts.]
[sighs.]
Keep the juices flowing, man.
You're gonna need it.
How long have you been here? Uh [chuckles.]
No idea.
What do they want from you? The only thing they can't get on their own.
[grunts.]
The Clam Ram.
[laughs softly.]
- You mean they - Look for yourself.
[soft dramatic music.]
Ah.
Oh [moans.]
Quiet! Ah, oh, God! [moaning.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
[moaning.]
How are you still alive? Eh, it's not so bad.
After a while, it just kind of tingles.
Glad there's another bro here, though.
- Move it.
- [moaning.]
[door opens.]
[grunting.]
[moaning.]
[door closes.]
Hey, dude welcome to paradise! [laughs.]
Can I get a beer? [gasps.]
Ah.
Ah, I am loving this little pit stop.
Yeah, we'll see how much you love it when we lose the race and our heads explode.
Half the field is back on the highway waiting for their cars to turn on.
There's more than enough time to enjoy a bit of Majora's hospitality.
And this is so refreshing.
Don't you think? Like citrus breeze.
[grunts.]
[growls, grunts.]
[funky dramatic music.]
Stop right there.
Back down.
I understand your resistance, but I want you to tear down your wall and be free.
Everybody's free here at Majora.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, what about him? - Every person here is free.
- Yeah, got it.
Um, all right, well, thanks for the wash and wax, but I have places to be, so where's Arthur? Is Arthur your male? No, he is not my male.
He is my partner, and we have a rehab facility to get to, so if you ladies don't mind Claireview Rehabilitation Center for Women? You know it? We were inmates there.
Tortured by their guards, their men, but we burned that hell hole to the ground.
So if you're still trying to find Claireview, why don't you head up north and look for the crater? It might still be smoking.
Another dead end.
[sighs.]
Goddamn it, Karma, you never make this easy, do you? Karma D'Argento's your sister? How do you know that name? She's been with us since the beginning.
[suspenseful music.]
Take me to her.
Yeah, sorry.
Could I, uh, uh, could I, uh, you know, get a beer? Ah, sorry, man.
All out.
You got a whole coo You got a whole cooler.
- We gotta get outta here.
- Nice.
Don't be such a whiny bitch, dude.
The ladies feed us, give us beer, and all we gotta do is jizz for it.
Basically, we're living the dream.
[laughs.]
They suck semen out of your body with a milking machine.
Yeah? But at least the machine's not allowed to vote.
[chuckles.]
Am I right? Up top like [laughs.]
[door opens.]
Grace's male.
Let's go.
[dramatic music.]
Batter up, man.
Let it all hang out.
- Hey, thanks for the beer, man.
- Yeah, no problem.
No, I'm a hugger.
[laughing.]
[grunts.]
Whew.
[grunts.]
[groans.]
[exhales.]
[tense music.]
We're afraid our audience won't be able to connect to any of these characters.
They barely even wanna fuck 'em.
Because they're not cool.
Maybe we should have 'em in sunglasses.
And smoke.
Smoking and sunglasses.
[stammers.]
But there needs to be a story.
Subtle, nuanced characterizations of love, betrayal, and No one cares about story.
We told you that.
Yes, tell me again about how my show works.
We intend to.
I reviewed your SDCs.
They are well below target range.
My Strategic Dismemberment Counts are 38% above target.
And your survival rates are too high.
Your per capita maim number's the lowest we've seen - in a decade.
- And worst of all, in your most recent race report, I count 15 typos.
[quietly.]
15.
- Impossible.
- You're aware of our policy mandating the use of the Oxford comma? - What the fuck, man? - Nothing more than a stylistic conceit of publishing houses.
Entirely gratuitous to precise language.
[groans, coughs.]
That's enough, Slink.
I'm sorry.
All this bend-your-wrist song and dance horseshit just doesn't do it for me.
Here's the top line note.
Between the Meadeville fiasco and the escapades at Kane Hill, you've lost control.
Our in-house viewership has spiked to an all-time high since you've been absent.
We're going public.
"Blood Drive" will air worldwide starting next Wednesday.
[laughs.]
Finally.
Without you.
What? [scoffs, stammering.]
But how? How? You you you can't just just plop the "Blood Drive" into people's homes without my guiding hand.
A work like this, it needs a singular voice, an artist, and I will not compromise my vision for anyone.
We don't need you.
Fine.
We'll do it your way then, but I'd like a larger trailer.
Just tell me what you want.
I want you to die.
[coughing, grunting.]
What do you mean, we can't kill him? What the fuck is a holding deal? Jesus.
I guess we've still got some bullshit to work out.
We owe our lives to your sister.
All of Majora exists because of her bravery.
She led the revolt at Claireview.
I always knew that I was strong, but when I saw your sister fight, damn.
She made us brave.
She made us all brave.
This is a holy place.
Wait, where's Karma? I'm sorry.
Karma fell in the revolt.
There was nothing I could do.
[solemn music.]
Wait.
What do you mean? Karma's dead.
How did she die? There was so much chaos.
All I know is she fought like a warrior.
She died alone? She died surrounded by her sisters.
No! I'm her sister.
I should have been here.
I should have I should have [sighs.]
I need to be with her alone.
Sisters, leave us quickly.
Quickly! Can I ask you why'd you two part ways if you were so close? It's complicated.
There was this guy that You see? Men.
Men took Karma away from you, and men took Karma away from me.
Oh, for fuck sakes, just go! [unintelligible shouting.]
[tense music.]
- Aah! - Causing trouble already? What you're doing to those men is immoral.
The Seedmakers have food, shelter, a reason to ejaculate.
That's all the beasts need.
- [shouts.]
- [grunts.]
- [grunts.]
- Put him on the altar, and when he's dead, kill the short, silly one too.
- [shouts.]
- [grunts.]
- Up, up! - [panting.]
Domi.
Your wife's not gonna save you.
She can't fight as well as us.
- Shut up.
- It's not her fault.
It's genetics.
Come on, baby.
Get me out of here.
[tapping in Morse Code.]
- [gurgling.]
- Ladies, I want to thank you for the delightful spa treatment and refreshments [gasping.]
- [both grunting.]
- [flesh ripping.]
But it's time I see myself out.
Hello, honey.
How was your day? Oh, you know.
How was yours? Acceptable.
[tense music.]
I know this is new to both of us.
Relationships are work and shit.
But when you installed my prosthetic eye, did you install some sort of software so you could see what I'm seeing? And some sort of puke-cannon? How else could I trust you? Baby, why? One of my many objectives is to maintain a level of control over Heart assets.
Is that all I am to you? Just just another asset? 'Cause I thought we had something Oh, baby.
I'm an Autonomous Kinetic Intercourse Machine.
I have no emotional directives, and even if I did, they would not be affected by filling my semen reservoirs.
But I thought I could trust you.
Trust? Like I could trust you not to snoop around where you don't belong? If you were attempting to manipulate my emotions, Christopher I'm afraid you've only manipulated yourself.
I have no emotions.
I feel nothing.
So we'll just keep it casual, I guess.
After all you're literally just a sex object.
I was too late.
[sighs.]
[solemn music.]
All those miles I raced, all those people I killed.
None of it mattered.
Is this what it felt like? Is this what it felt like when I left you? [crying softly.]
'Cause it hurts so bad.
- [ATV engines revving.]
- [screaming.]
Grace! Aah! [dramatic music.]
[screaming continues in distance.]
I thought she'd come for me.
Ah, forget about her, man.
You wanna I don't know sneak into the seeding room and milk ourselves? You know, teach 'em a lesson? [grunts.]
[panting.]
Hey there, handsome.
[laughs.]
Grace! - Aah! - [grunts.]
No Grace, no mercy.
Aah! Aah! [grunts.]
Why are hot girls always so mean? [grunts.]
You keep on talking and you'll die.
I can't help that I'm charming.
All Seedmakers, you're all the same.
You killed Karma and you destroyed Grace's life! No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
I'm trying to help her! Leave him alone! [grunts.]
Ugh.
I didn't want you to see this, Grace, but I'm glad you're here now.
This is the only way you'll be free.
- [distant engine revving.]
- [woman shouting.]
- [engine revving.]
- [women screaming.]
[grunting and shouting.]
["Suicidal" by Dead Sara.]
You did this.
Sisters, defend Majora! Grace.
Grace.
Cut the ropes.
We'll take her together.
I got this, Barbie.
It's girl's night.
You're poison, Grace.
Brainwashed by the Capitalists and the Warmongers - and the Seedmakers.
- Shut up, Carolina.
Your bullshit's already killed one D'Argento.
It wasn't my fault.
I loved her.
Grace, what're you doing? Let's see if you can kill another.
- I'm done fighting.
- [electricity crackles.]
- Aah! - Grace! Suicidal - [electricity crackles.]
- [grunting.]
You're a fucking disgrace to your kind.
Yeah? What kind is that? Huh? [breathing heavily.]
An angry, bitter piece of shit that blames the world for her mistakes? That's not what I taught my sister, and I know that's not what she would want for this place.
[grunting.]
You failed her.
Just like I failed her.
'Cause here's the truth.
No matter what shit you've been through, it doesn't justify hurting other people.
He taught me that.
Then it's a lie.
No, the truth's the truth, no matter what idiot says it.
So come on, Carolina.
I'm dying to see what a washed-up failure like you can do to me.
[grunts.]
Grace! [both grunting.]
- [straining.]
- [grunting.]
I can be, I can be, I can be what you want - [laughing.]
- Why you laughing, huh? Huh? Is that all you got? - [both grunting.]
- [straining.]
What, you can't finish the job? [breathing heavily.]
I know what you're trying to do.
You want to be punished for your guilt, and I won't be part of it.
- Come on, Carolina.
- [straining.]
Look how quickly we've torn ourselves apart.
Grace.
What'd you do to her? Nothing we haven't done to ourselves.
Hoo-ooh Run and blow my life away I wake up to another day Run and blow my life away I wake up to another day Run and blow my life away Ooh [gentle music playing.]
I'm so sorry we had that little kerfuffle.
I'm sorry too.
It was completely my fault.
You know, you're right.
Solving problems together, that's when we're at our best.
I'm so glad you said that because I have a little project that the two of us can share.
Sweetheart, that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
- [grunting.]
- [screaming.]
[solemn music.]
I'm sorry about Karma.
I know there's nothing I can do to bring her back to you.
But all that pain was put on you by Heart.
Your sister is one of thousands of victims.
The truth is I don't know how I can do this without you anymore.
So no more bullshit.
Nothing tying us down.
You and me working together actually stand a chance to fight Heart for Karma and all the rest of 'em.
Grace, we're so close.
I need you.
Grace, talk to me.
Can you hear me? Grace? [distant.]
Grace?