Blue Mountain State (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

Pocket P****

- Just hand it to me - Happy birthday, best friend.
It's a pitcher.
Thank you, man! He tries to do the same joke every year.
Except last year he did it with a bottle of Jack.
- He was so drunk.
- I hope you like it.
Really? Compliments of the young lady at the end of the bar.
- Yo, did she just give you $100? - For your birthday? Bitch! Thank you! - Here you go, guys.
- No, no, I'm not drinking tonight.
- I'm not trying to puke today.
- Your loss, buddy.
Yeah, Shilo did enough puking on Saturday.
Twenty-four touches for 29 yards.
- How's that for a highlight reel? - SportsCenter! - Shut up, Larry.
- Yeah.
And, Thad, you played bad, too.
The whole team played bad.
You can't pin that loss on me.
Shut up, Craig! You tell my friend to shut up, I tell yours.
- Those dudes are dicks, right? Yeah, exactly.
$100 not enough? You have more expensive tastes? - Why Why are you giving me money? - I'm buying you for the night.
Okay.
Where are you taking me? No, I can't drive Oh Slow.
I can't drive that car slow.
I love my life.
Oh! What is the record for the most illegal things done at one time? We are breaking it tonight.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Why are we doing this again? Because I hate my father.
Oh, I hate him! Oh, I hate him, too.
That practice was horseshit.
Curfew.
We haven't had a curfew for this team in 10 years.
You guys want to relive your senior prom every night, you do it for somebody else.
Because if you want to play football for me, you'd better show up on time and ready to play.
So was she a hooker? No, no, she wasn't a hooker.
She paid me to blow me - while driving her Lamborghini.
- What? I'm not exaggerating.
It was the best night of my life.
- Oh, did you get her number? - No.
No, she said she'd find me if she ever needed to.
All I did was dry-hump Denise.
Again.
so you'll be in bed at 9:00 pm every night, rubbing one out.
Curfew's fine with me.
I won't need to leave the house to get laid.
What the hell is that, Thad? It's a pocket pussy.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Oh, ears perking up now.
Yeah, I have a pocket pussy.
And banging this thing is like banging a sunset over the ocean.
Welcome to Jamaica, man! Have a nice day.
Well, I just got a blowjob from a Persian girl last night.
I don't know if you know what that's like.
But it's probably better than banging a piece of plastic.
Uh, and smoking fake weed.
Piece of plastic? This thing came from Bosnia, son! You ever been to Bosnia? You ever been in the shit? Well, my dad was, and he left me this pocket pussy.
And every time I sink my humongous dick in this piece of plastic, I remember my dad.
So watch your mouth, frosh.
Uh, okay.
Time's up.
- Ooh, one more minute.
- No! Craig, focus on the game.
Get your mind off of sex.
Jeez! Twenty-nine yards in 24 touches? Babe, the Heisman's not just gonna show up on our doorstep.
Yeah, well, maybe if I had a little incentive this week.
- Like what? - Like sex.
You know, if I rush for more than 100 yards, we have to do it.
Oh, my God, you think I would give up my virginity for 100 yards on a football field? Baby, why would you say something like that? I'm sorry, baby.
I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
Make it 225 and three scores and I'll rock your world.
Ah, baby! Okay.
Let's think outside the box here.
What is the best birthday present I've ever given you? I don't know the best birthday present.
The worst birthday present was that you gave me that dead hamster.
Alex, look at me.
That hamster deserved to die.
Everybody goes home! Get off my porch.
Get off my porch! 15 minutes.
Let's go.
Curfew, curfew! You, hot ladies, too.
Going home.
Get the frick out of here.
Whoa.
- What the hell's going on here? Holy shit.
Who's up? You.
- Up for what? Thad's pocket pussy.
- We stole it out of his room.
- It's like banging a waterfall.
- I'm not so up for waterfalls, guys.
- I am.
Everybody get out! Party's over, get out! Curfew, 15 minutes! Let's go, let's go! - Can you believe this guy? - Get out of my casa, a-wipe! Get out! What? He's really gonna hate that you're doing this, right? Yeah, and I'm gonna love it.
Yes.
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, my God! I'm the best! Dude, you have to try this.
No way, no thanks.
I'm good.
I'm gonna wait for $100 and a blowjob.
- That girl is not coming, dude.
She used you.
- Well, I want her to use me again.
Well, I'm gonna leave this pocket pussy right here, in case you change your mind.
Which you should.
I pulled a hammie in there.
Jeez.
It was worth it though.
- Hold on! - You go.
I'm not leaving you behind.
I want you to take this and give it to my son.
Stop talking like that.
Listen to me.
It's my lucky charm.
Whenever life has him down and he needs a boost orjust a little good luck, he'll take that out of the box and have sex with it.
What's your son's name? His name's Thad.
Father! No! Syphilis, huh? I should have seen that coming.
Any time 45 guys pass around a sex toy, something like this is bound to pop up.
You know what I mean? It was totally worth it though.
Definitely.
Banging this pocket pussy is like banging a girl made of slippery gold.
It haunts me.
I don't know where you get your analogies from, but that was spot on.
Thanks.
If you blindfolded me and gave me a Pepsi challenge between the hottest girl in the world and the pocket pussy, I'd choose the pocket pussy every time.
- Hands down, dude.
Hands down.
- Holy shit, Sammy.
That's the girl.
She'd work.
Set up a booth.
Um, hey, are you looking for a driver tonight? You and your diseased cock stay away from me.
How did you know that? Everybody knows.
It was on the front page of the paper.
You football players started an epidemic! No, you're totally right! How about Wednesday when I'm all cleared up? Never speak to me again.
Hold on.
I think you're misunderstanding the situation.
Alex didn't get syphilis from having sex with a girl.
He got it from having sex with a pocket pussy.
We all did.
- Come near me again, I'll call the police! - Oh, I'm scared! There goes my dream girl.
She will pay you to blow you again.
You can bet your birthday present on it.
Antibiotics.
Take twice daily.
Antibiotics.
Take twice daily.
What, are they all banging each other? It happened in '95.
It's a beautiful word, syphilis.
Just rolls off the tongue.
Syphilis.
Blue 38, blue 38! Hut! Damn it! I've never been caught from behind before.
- I can't afford to play like this on Saturday.
- I don't know.
You're running around like you've got 10-pound balls in your pants.
You need to get laid.
Yeah, well, all that's going to take care of itself on Saturday.
Denise says as long as I have a good game, she's gonna have sex with me on Saturday.
- That's a real catch-22 you've got there.
- What are you talking about? Denise says that she'll have sex with you if you have a good game, I'm telling you you're not going to have a good game unless Denise has sex with you first.
You need to get rid of that dead weight, man.
- You know what you need? - What? Thad's pocket pussy.
Yeah.
- I'm all set with the syphilis, dog.
Dude, syphilis is nothing.
Sammy's had it three times already.
He said this was the only time that it was actually worth it.
It's like doing a silk bag full of puppy ears.
Good call.
How the hell would you even know what that felt like? - Ah, watch blue! Blue 38! Set, hut! What the hell was that? Get up.
Look, you've got to break down and you've got to make that tackle, son.
You embarrass yourself, you're embarrassing me.
I gave you guys a curfew to avoid this shit, and then you come back and you play like this? You're my captain.
I want this fixed.
I want it fixed now.
Who has my pocket pussy? I have stuck my dick and sometimes my balls in that stupid thing before every game since I was 10.
I can't play without it! You don't mess with a man's rituals.
You don't mess with the things that get him through the day.
All right, joke's over.
We need him for the game on Saturday.
Time to give it back.
All right, who's got it? - Donnie? - I gave it to Box.
- I gave it to Walters.
- I gave it to Donnie.
Yeah I've got it.
- Donnie.
- I'll give it back to Thad, but in the morning.
I just need one more night with it, please? Yeah.
But it's only fair if you get one more night with it, I do, too.
- Me, too! - Me, too! All right, fair enough.
Anybody else? - All right, Craig? - I'm all set.
It's settled then.
Everybody gets one more night with the pocket pussy, then we give it back to Thad in the morning, okay? - All right, bring it in.
- Ready? - One, two, three.
Pocket pussy! Baby, I was thinking, maybe we need to have that sex before the game tomorrow.
Why would we do that? Because if we have the sex tonight, I'll be a lot lighter on my feet for the game.
Craig, we had an agreement.
And I'm not the type of person to go back on my word.
Now are you? No, baby.
-225 yards it is.
And three TDs.
And three TDs.
- You have my pocket pussy, Moran.
- What? I saw you sneak a paper bag into your room tonight.
- I I can explain that.
- There's nothing to explain! Give me back my pocket pussy and I'll let you live.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, can I Look, dude, we were going to give it back to you before tomorrow's game.
And you're right, man, that thing is like banging a chocolate souffle.
Tell me something I don't know.
Dude, it's gone.
It's gone.
I I swear it was in here.
If I don't have that pocket pussy in my locker first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to take out all of my sexual frustrations on you.
Yep.
Wait, I You know what I meant by that.
- Kind of busy, man.
- Sammy, where is the pocket pussy? I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
Oh, okay, well, I need you to put it in Thad's locker - for the morning, okay? Can you do that? - Consider it done.
I warned you, moron.
Time to pay the piper.
Man, syphilis is a tough one, huh? - How do you know I have syphilis? - Eh, just a hunch.
You know, when my friend Alex had syphilis, you weren't as nice to him as you could have been.
Hmm.
I guess.
Yeah, his case was front-page news.
Ah, it'd just be such a shame if the same thing happened to you.
Are you threatening me? I don't know.
Am I? Excuse me.
Speak of the devil.
- Hello, Alex.
- Where is the pocket pussy, Sammy? I told you not to screw this up.
Dude, I put it back in Thad's locker last night like you told me to.
- Well, it's not here! - Well, then someone must have stolen it.
I don't have time for this.
I've gotta go, man.
All right.
Now, where were we? Oh, that's right! Syphilis.
Craig? Craig, babe.
You've got a game in one hour.
Why aren't you on the field? Craig, I'm gonna ask you this one time and one time only.
Is that a pocket pussy behind your back? No.
Craig.
A white pocket pussy, Craig? - Really? A white pocket pussy? - Baby, I can explain.
When the actions of one man jeopardize the fortunes of another man, who happens to be captain of the football team, that captain has the inalienable right to defend himself.
- Thomas Jefferson said that.
- That's cool.
I love Thomas Jefferson.
Why am I the only one sitting in this chair taped up? Everybody on this team has had a turn with that pocket pussy.
He's right.
We're all to blame.
It's not fair to single him out.
Thank you.
You're a stand-up guy.
What the hell are you doing? Whoa, those are my He's tying one end of the string snugly around your balls.
- Why? - I'm tying the other end of the string - snugly around this doorknob.
- Tijuana tooth-pull.
Don't do I'll get you another one.
- I'll get you - There is no other one! Please.
You took something special my dad gave me.
Now I'm going to take something special your dad gave you.
You have three seconds to give me my pocket pussy.
I don't have it.
One - Thad, I don't have it, please.
- Two - Thad, please! - You don't have to do this.
I don't have it.
Thad, I don't have it.
I do not have it.
- Please don't Son of a - Three.
Shut the hell up! Where's Thad? I'm Thad.
You ruined my Tijuana tooth-pull.
I don't give a shit what I ruined.
You keep your disgusting sex toys away from my man.
He is valuable.
I mean, I love him.
Craig, come on, babe.
I'm sorry for stealing your pocket pussy, Thad.
And? And I'm firmly committed to my girlfriend and the black community as a whole.
Oksana! You've come back to me! - Oksana? - Yeah! Can someone please take this string off my balls? - Please, you! - I know it was you.
- What? - Who made Craig stray away from me.
- He wouldn't admit it, but I know it was you.
- What are you Wait! Craig, please tell her not Don't shut that door! Do not shut the door! - My balls.
- Yes, yes, yes.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, Dad! You're my hero.
(SAMMY SINGING HAPPYBIRTHDAY Go ahead, say something to him.
Alex, I'm very sorry for the way I treated you at the quad - after I found out you had syphilis.
And I'd like to take you out again tonight in my dad's Lamborghini.
Yeah, let's go talk about how much you hate your father.
Hold this for one second.
Yo, hold up.
You're gonna need this.
- She's got syphilis now.
- What? - Yep.
- Well done.
- Thanks, buddy.
- That's why you're my best friend.