Blue Mountain State (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Rivalry Weekend

Come on, Billy! Just walk with me.
Come on! Billy Hey, why do I always have to walk Billy? Part of your mascot duties.
Chester never complained.
Yeah, well, Chester was a hack.
I took four years of ballet, Kate Not for this! - Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think so.
- Hey, let go of the goat, asshole.
You let go of the goat.
He's my goat! - Get them both! We gotta go.
- Billy! Billy! Help me! Help! Help me! Kate! Overland rules! Billy! He's our starting quarterback and it's the biggest game of the season.
We're playing Overland, you can't take him away from me, Warren.
- He was arrested with a prostitute.
- Come on, he was set up! The kid does missionary work for Christ's goddamn sake.
He's a con artist who hides behind the cross, and quite frankly I'm tired of this football rivalry.
I mean Overland stole our mascot this morning.
That's a tradition.
Dean Simon, if you can find it in your heart to reinstate me for Saturday's game, don't do it for me, do it for the children of Chile, they desperately need my help.
Yeah, look, you have the power to make this thing go away.
Just say the right words, please.
Short of the charges being dropped, there's nothing I can do.
Sorry, Coach.
Coach Daniels, maybe we should pray on this.
Yeah, that's a good idea, Travis.
Let's all pray.
Dear God, please help my starting quarterback keep his dick in his pants.
Amen.
All right, Goats, let's bring it in.
Hurry.
Hustle it up.
All right, you've probably already heard the rumors.
We lost Travis for Saturday's game.
And possibly for the whole season.
There's no need to panic, because we still have a game to play Saturday.
Moran, this is your team now.
Let's have a good practice.
Let's go! Hey, Coach, um, I think there's been a mistake.
It's no mistake.
You're the starting quarterback.
Right.
I get that and I'm here for the team.
I You know, I've had this pain in my oblique that's been killing me, and I don't think I'm gonna be ready for Saturday's game.
- Ready? - Yeah.
See, I don't give a shit if you're ready or not.
You're gonna run out on that field Saturday with a dick full of confidence and you're gonna take that confidence and you gonna shoot it all over the stadium.
End of conversation.
Thanks.
Thanks.
- Welcome to the big time, bro.
- Go ahead.
It used to be me and Trav.
Now it's me and you.
Let's do this.
Ow! Who the hell is this? Well, he wouldn't let go of the goat.
He says he's the mascot.
You guys aren't gonna get away with this.
Whatever.
Look, get the goat some water, and, I don't know, get this guy I've got all the milk I need.
I'm a survivor.
Fine! Get this guy nothing.
- "Get this guy nothing!" That's your voice.
Shut up, asshole! You shut up! You I'm telling you right now, once that door closes something bad is gonna is that without Travis, the Goats might as well kiss this season goodbye.
- It's open.
- Hey, Craig.
I need you to do me a favor, okay? It's only gonna take a second.
I need you to break my ankles.
Look, man, no one's breaking any ankles.
- Please.
- Listen, man.
The Shilo-Moran show had to come to town someday.
And what better day than on Saturday and on national TV? Just a tap.
That's all it's gonna take.
Come on! Look, man, I need you to come through for me.
I've seen you play before, man.
You don't gotta do this.
You're right.
I don't have to do this.
Hell, no.
I gotta get Travis back on the team.
- Can I offer you a ride? - No, I'm good, thanks.
Do you think? We're, like, best friends.
You and me, - best friends for life.
- Hey, Travis.
Oh! Those staring contests really get to me.
- Right.
- Okay, see you, Trav.
It's me and you, man.
I just wanted a blowjob, Moran.
That doesn't make me a bad Christian, right? I don't think so, no.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Did you at least try to get the prostitute to say maybe she was getting a ride home with you that night? Of course, you know.
That's what I always do.
- This one just wouldn't go for it.
- Right.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna talk to her for you.
- Would you do that for me? - Yeah.
Mmm, well.
$25 for the hand, $50 for the mouth and $75 for the ass.
I'm sorry, I'm looking for Stacy Fandel.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'm Stacy Fandel.
And if the ass doesn't interest you, I'm having a sale on ski-shoots.
Two for $80.
I'm looking for the prostitute who got arrested with Travis McKenna.
Mmm, well, you're looking at her, baby.
- What, are you a football player? - Um No, I'm Hey, Dave.
- I'm Travis's backup.
- Oh! Well, then you may enter my palace of pleasure.
- Alrighty.
- Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-mmm.
So, what you do? You come here to thank me now that you're a starter? Actually, the opposite.
I came here to offer you 50 bucks so you can maybe go to the cops and say that you were just getting a ride home with Travis the other night.
- So you want me to lie? - Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
Backup.
Stacy Fandel is not a liar.
Now, I may suck cock for crack, but at the end of the day, I lay in my bed right with God.
Right.
Did Overland pay you off? Because I'll match whatever they're paying you.
Please, you think I'd take money from those losers? I am a Goat fan, Goat fan.
That's fantastic.
You're a fan.
We need Travis back on the team.
Please.
I'll do anything.
I'll do anything to get him back on the team.
- Anything? - Within reason.
- Okay, you know Craig Shilo? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to suck his dick.
- You want to what? - I want to suck that dick.
Listen, see.
That boy does things to me.
I mean, the way he runs and cuts and hits that hole, it's just Mmm.
I'm getting moist just thinking about it.
Listen, if you can help me get those balls right here, - I will help you.
- That's impossible.
You have a better shot at banging the Pope.
Oh, okay.
Well, you have good luck on the game Saturday.
And if you need a handjob before the game, text me.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
Let me see what I can do, okay? Open that.
This is perfect.
- We made the Blue Mountain Monitor.
- Yeah.
You guys are gonna get a lot of money for me.
What do you mean, you? - This article's about the goat.
- Shut up! Let me see that.
Oh, I get it.
They probably don't want to panic people.
Right, right.
Either that or, um, nobody gives a shit about you.
Go! - Shilo, what's the play again? - Are you serious? You just called it.
- I think I'm blacking out, man.
-33 draw, Moran.
-33 draw.
- Okay.
It's called a huddle.
It happens before the play, Moran.
Go! What's the count? Hey! Touchdown.
Great recovery, Moran.
Damn it.
Hey, Moran, let's not make that shovel pass bullshit a big part of our game on Saturday, all right? Right, right.
How do you feel about blowjobs? I mean, they're not personal, right? A BJ's a BJ, no matter who's giving it to you, right? No.
But if a chick, we'll call her a chick If she wanted to give you one, and you knew that said BJ was gonna help us win Saturday's game, you'd do it, right? I'd have to run it by Denise first.
No, no, Denise doesn't have to know about this.
Why do you keep asking me about BJs? You're creeping me out.
No reason.
You play poker, right? A friend of mine's putting together a game tonight.
Yeah.
Sure.
But no more BJ talk, all right? Come on! Hello, let's go! Damn it, Alex! Pick up the phone! You know you're free to go at any time, right? "B", Bodacious.
"I", Incredible.
"L", Loving.
"L", Literally a goat.
"Y", Yesterday.
Billy.
That message goes out to the wannabe douchebags over at Overland.
You can take our goat, but we've got Alex Moran.
Alex Moran.
Alex Moran.
Alex Moran! Alex Moran! So, when we get to my friend's house, just try to keep an open mind, and have a few drinks, let your guard down.
Man, why do I need to have an open mind to play poker? You know what Hey, Sammy.
What's up? What's up? I'm kidnapped.
That's what's up.
That sucks.
I'll see you at the dorms, okay? - See you later, man.
- The dorms? Are you serious? Alex Moran.
Alex Moran.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You guys wanna know something about Billy? Yeah! Billy eats his own crap.
- What? - Oh, yeah, I've seen it.
And you want to know something else? A real human being was taken yesterday.
A human being with real feelings.
- He's right.
- Thank you.
Billy is just like one of us, - with real feelings.
- No.
Fine.
You want Billy? I'll get you Billy.
Is that what you want to hear? We love Billy! - What's up, man? - Hey, Willy.
- Your friend lives here? - Yeah.
She's modest.
- Where have you been? - Holy shit! I came here straight from ethics class to meet you.
Do you know how much crack I've been offered? - Why are you here? - What do you mean, why is she here, we play poker as a team.
Bam! You can't invite your girlfriend to a boys' night out.
You said your friend was a girl.
That's not the point.
Coming.
- Stace, hey! - Hey! - Hi, thank you for having us.
- No problem.
You delivered.
Yeah, yeah.
So, this is Denise.
This is Craig.
How you doing? - Mmm-hmm.
Hi, Craig.
Hey! Where is the poker table? Poker table? The only table I got set up is that romantic dinner table for two.
- Look at this! Isn't it romantic, Craig? Uh What the hell is going on? First of all, this is my house, okay? And I ask the questions.
And the first question I have is, who the hell is you? Who in the hell is I? Yeah, is there an echo in that big pineapple head of yours? I'm the one with the real pooty.
That's who I am.
Hey, ladies, ladies! Ladies Hey! Hey, let's not do anything rash.
- What the hell is going on here, man? - Yeah, tell him, Alex.
What's the worst thing your friend's ever asked you to do? Jesus Christ, you again? Dude, we He's taking the goat! He's taking the goat! Hey, asshole, stop! We're returning the goat after the game.
Yeah, and then you'll get all the glory.
I don't think so, lady.
Stop him! Stop Billy! Oh, my God, I can fix this for you, Billy.
Stop him! Get him! We're almost there.
We're almost there.
Almost there.
Go, Billy.
Make a run for it.
I'll meet you back at the field.
Billy? So, in 1999 the Oklahoma State starting quarterback gets injured and tailback production falls 45% when the backup takes over.
Alex, Travis is out, all right? There's nothing we can do about it.
That's not entirely true.
Stacy can get Travis back on the team.
- What? - Mmm-hmm.
- Whoo! Are you serious? - Mmm-hmm.
In order for that to happen, um, - Stacy wants a little something from you.
- Oh, my God, anything.
I wanna blow you.
Excuse me? No, no, no, I'm serious.
No, hold on, Craig, listen.
Listen, Craig.
I'm your biggest fan.
And I just want a little bitty piece of you right in here.
I mean, just a tip.
That'll never happen.
No way in hell I will ever He'll do it.
- He'll do it.
- All right.
What the hell did you do? This was supposed to be a lighthearted prank.
Maybe if you didn't kidnap me this wouldn't have happened.
We didn't kidnap you, you freak! - We kidnapped Billy.
- Rub it in, why don't you? Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry, merry Christmas.
Don't say nothing! - No, I can't do it! Craig! - Hey, Craig.
Craig! Craig, I'm sorry, man.
Now this is all up to you.
How about going down on Craig's girlfriend? It's close, right? - I'll do it.
- That's disgusting.
Ew! Alex Moran! Alex Moran! Alex Moran! That is all people are talking about today.
Can the freshman QB lead this Mountain Goat team - to victory against Overland U? No, no, he can't, and I think we'll all have our worst fears realized at noon today.
This season is over for the Goats.
B- M-S! Go Goats! Now, please welcome Dean Simon.
Mountain Goats can't be beat.
You assholes, it's only a goat.
Billy! Billy? What? What happened? Oh, no! Look what Overland did to Billy! Why, God? Why? All right, guys, listen up.
- They say the sign of a great team - Hold on, Coach.
I gotta say something.
I know a lot of you guys don't believe in me.
I know that I haven't really given you a reason to.
But I want to let you guys know something.
I'm ready for this.
Shilo, I'm here for you Go, Goats! We're totally screwed.
Overland killed Billy.
- Sammy? - Hey, Alex.
- What happened? - It's not good.
- Denise.
- The stage is set, babe.
Look, it's time for my man to step up and shine.
All right? You're right, baby.
It's time for your man to step up.
I gotta get Travis back on the team.
Craig, where are you going? They killed my goat, Marty.
I don't care what you have to do, just make sure that those cowards from Overland suffer today.
If you want that, you know what you're going to have to do, right? Fine.
Travis is back on the team.
Just promise me that you'll make those assholes pay.
We're gonna rip them a new one.
Travis is back on the team.
Travis is back on the team! Oh, thank Christ! Christ.
Hey.
- It was a good ride while it lasted, Moran.
- Yeah.
Dickface! Yeah! Travis is back, y'all.
My boy is back! Yeah! Suck it, moron.
Let's get 'em, Trav.
Come on! Oh, shit! Craig.
Craig, baby! Craig! Craig, babe! Craig, no! Stop, Craig! Okay.
Craig, no! Oh, thank God I caught you in time.
Go Goats.
Last weekend was a trying time here at Blue Mountain State.
But as ll so often do, I was able to rise above it and help defeat our rivals at Overland University.
It is in honor of that trying weekend that I dedicate this statue.
It's all right.
So let me get this straight.
This guy almost ruins our entire season and he dedicates a statue to himself? I rushed for more than 220 yards, and all I do is get blown by a tranny? I know.
And he doesn't even put me in the statue.
I was there.
I killed that goat.
Wait, you got blown by a tranny?