Blue Mountain State (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

There's Only One Second Best

Okay.
Just relax.
You're Alex Moran, second-string quarterback on the top college football team in the nation.
You can handle this.
Just visualize and execute.
Ready Go! Strike! This is awesome.
Go! Blue 28.
Blue 28.
Set! Hut! Hey, nice job, Moran.
All right, run it again.
Defense, check down this time.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Check hammer, check hammer! Set.
Check hammer.
I'm gonna murder your balls, moron.
Set.
Hut.
It's good! What the hell was that, Moran? They checked down.
What's the audible? - Um - Dylan? Do you know the audible? - Like the back of my dick, sir.
- Get in there.
- What the hell is this, Denise? - Baby, it's not what it looks like.
Oh.
So, this guy's not sitting on my game jersey right now? Baby, these wrinkles take forever to come out.
Craig, this is Chase.
We're in business class together.
Good to meet you, Craig.
I'm a big fan of yours, by the way.
Sorry about the jersey, man.
That's all right, man.
I shouldn't have left it on the couch if I didn't want somebody to sit on it.
All right.
Ready? One, two, three.
Sammy, I am pleased to announce that you, our mascot, have been officially inducted into the Blue Mountain State spirit squad! Sammy, you are so funny! - Yeah, I was totally joking with you.
- We should celebrate.
Slumber party at my place.
I've got vino.
Yes, I will definitely come to your slumber party tonight.
I might have to leave a little early though.
I have plans.
Doing what? Well, me and my best friend had plans to bro-down the other day, but he was busy, so he said he'd call me tonight.
Yeah, I've heard that one before.
What do you mean? So, I want to put this in terms that you understand, son, because obviously football isn't doing the trick.
Oh.
I want you to think of this team as a big-tittied coed - with a tight little ass.
- Okay.
Okay, so, you want to take this coed to bed, right? You know, to be honest with you, Coach, I'd probably just take her to a keg party, maybe settle for a BJ.
- See, I figured as much.
- Mmm.
That's why I'm moving you down to third string.
Darn it.
- Damn.
Third string? - Yep.
That sucks.
I'm sorry, man.
Are you kidding me? This is great! I don't have to do anything now.
I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
All right, Goats, come on, let's have a good practice! Defense stay here, offense up here.
Whoa.
Where the hell you think you going, Moran? You're third string.
You practice with special teams now.
Special teams? Uh Hey, welcome to special teams.
I'm Harmon Tadesco, best goddamn placekicker in the whole continental world.
Alex Moran.
- Right on, Alex.
You're gonna like it here.
We play hard, we party harder.
And we triple-team chicks.
That's European style, of course.
- Don't worry.
Our dicks will never touch.
- Okay, you answered my question.
All right, yourjob, Alex, is to hold the ball correctly, so that my perfect leg, which is attached to my perfect foot can kick the living shit out of that ball.
I want you to think of us as one big unit, all right? You're the dick, I'm the balls, all these other guys are the assholes.
Come on, man, that's funny.
All right, whatever.
- Let's do this.
- Ready.
Oh, man, right in the face! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you drunk? No, sir, I'm not drunk.
All right? I resent that.
I am on a lot of E right now.
Big difference.
To us.
To the sisterhood.
To the pants.
So, these traveling pants fit everybody in the sisterhood? Even the fat one? So, Kate, tell us about your date last night.
It was pretty standard.
He said I had nice hair.
So I did him.
- Let me guess.
No phone call today? - Not even a text.
Football players are the worst.
No, that's not true.
Not all of them.
Some of them are pretty cool.
Oh, yeah? And what happened to your bro-down tonight? He'll call.
They never call.
Hello, there.
I'm Not important enough to be talking to such a fine-looking woman.
He's my backup.
But you're a backup, too.
Yeah, but you're a backup's backup.
So, why don't you back a backup up and back up? Dude, you wouldn't believe what just happened.
- Denise is not cheating on me.
- Where did that come from? - Oh.
- She says it's a business meeting.
That sucks.
What the hell are you doing here, moron? - Having a beer.
- This area is for real players only.
Special teams, special room.
Move it! In there.
Hey, Alex, you're just in time, man.
I'm about to tell the story of how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once.
- Here, come on, get out here.
- No, no, no, no.
You don't have That's Alex's seat.
Come on, buddy, right here.
Great.
- Sit on down.
Take a load off.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, baby! Well, I should go.
Good luck Saturday, champ.
See ya.
What's up with you and that guy? And no more of this business class bullshit.
I want the truth.
- How long have we been together, Craig? - A year and a half.
Which means I've devoted over 8% of my life to you.
You think I'd jeopardize that for an imitation Armani suit? - I'm getting jealous, baby.
- And you think I don't get jealous with all these girls around you all the time? It's natural.
But, babe, what did I tell you on our fifth date? Keep your eyes straight ahead.
Watch the line, not the ball.
No.
I told you that trust is the sacred glue that binds our hearts.
- Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
- Then where's the glue, Craig, huh? - Where's the glue? - I got glue.
Baby, I got glue! And that is how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once.
You know what I'm saying? You know what, Alex, man? I like you.
I'm gonna let you in on one of the secrets of special teams, all right? It's called trickle-down bang.
The girls the starters don't want, the second stringers get.
All right.
The girls the second stringers don't want, we get.
You know what? They all got poonies.
I am not too sure about that.
Do you know why they call me Dirty Sanchez? - No.
- I'll give you a hint.
I'm not Mexican.
Oh, there you are, Alex.
I bet you're wondering if I drank this whole 30-pack and smoked all of this weed by myself.
- Um Well, let me put it this way.
- I did! - I've been meaning to call you, but But what? You've made new friends now? He's on special teams now.
Special? I remember when our relationship used to be special.
Sammy! Sammy, don't go! Sammy, don't go.
Come back.
Come back.
- Hey.
- Denise and I got in a huge fight.
- I need to crash on your couch.
- Oh, that's kind of occupied at the moment.
No, no, no! Said they needed to use the bathroom and now I can't get them to leave.
- Try to ignore them.
Ignore that? You can't ignore that.
You can see that from space.
Special teams means special times, bros.
Know what I'm saying? Sammy's not home so if you want to crash in there, you can.
It's all yours.
Watch your step.
Touchdown! Extra point attempt.
It's good! Another crack shot from 55 yards with Tadesco.
Hey, man, so I'm gonna need my position back.
So, if you could just go into Coach's office and say that, you know, second string was, like, way too much pressure for you, - I'd appreciate it.
- Fat chance, dickwad.
- Excuse me? - I'm having the best time of my life.
It's not my fault you're a lazy piece of shit who couldn't appreciate what he had.
But, hey, here.
Clean my jockstrap, third string.
And don't bring that back till you get all those crusties off.
Crusties, huh? How about that? How about that? - Make him eat the crusties! - Get out Hey, man, break it up.
Hey, hey, knock it off! - What the hell is this all about? - Bitch boy wants his job back.
- I deserve another shot, Coach! - No way, Moran.
I think special teams is right where you belong.
I'm sick of blowjobs, Coach.
I want to bang the coed.
I'll put in the work.
Okay, and what are you going to do to turn her on? Live scrimmage.
Me and douche nozzle.
- I deserve another shot.
- No, no, no.
You know, this is the fire that I've been looking for from you.
I was hoping it'd be for the starting job, but You know what? Live scrimmage, one hour.
Full pads, full speed.
Yes! Scrimmage to the death! You don't want to do this, man.
I will do anything to avoid going back to that.
Tell me what it smells like, Stevie.
Don't hold back, man.
Get creative.
- I got something for you.
- Mmm.
Ready to go another round? No.
I don't want to fight anymore, baby.
Craig! Why aren't you at practice? Because I realized that I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately.
And I'm sorry.
Uh-oh.
You again? What the hell are you doing here, man? And where's your shirt? It's It's in the dryer, Craig.
How stupid do you think I am? Are you sleeping with him? How dare you ask me that? I am looking out for our future.
What does my future have to do with this dude with no shirt on? Chase, can you excuse us? Uh-huh, yeah.
Sit.
Look, it is best you don't know this, but he is an agent.
Yeah.
He's an agent.
You can't talk to agents yet, but I can.
All right? Chase came over this morning - to talk about endorsement deals.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And I spilled coffee on his shirt.
And now it's in the dryer.
And, babe, I would have told you about this sooner, but But the less I knew the better.
And this whole time I've been letting that jealousy monster - eat away at our trust glue.
- Mmm-hmm.
And you've just been looking out for me.
I'm gonna get us the representation we deserve.
Now okay? Baby, these are for you.
Thank you.
Chase? These are for you.
I'm sorry about all that.
I've got to get to practice, so you guys just keep on doing what you were doing.
Okay.
That's my baby.
I called him three times last night and I sent him a text message this morning, and he still hasn't gotten back to me.
He's not worth it, Katie.
Just forget it.
No, don't forget it! He's just gonna do the same thing to the next girl he thinks has nice hair.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of us getting pushed around.
I mean, when you tell someone you're gonna call them, - you call them.
Yeah! I don't tell people I'll share 30 beers, smoke a bunch of weed, and watch all the Lethal Weapons, and then not do any of those things.
I just don't do it! Yeah! We've been wronged, girls.
Enough with the tears.
It's time we raised our fists and let those bastards know that we will not be ignored! Yeah! Go! Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Set! - I'm gonna make you my bitch.
- Hike.
You just got pissed on.
Blue 22! Blue 22.
Hut! Touchdown! Take that, you son of a bitch! No, help me.
No.
Please help me! I don't deserve this.
Blue 28.
Blue 28.
Set, hut! Yeah! - That was pure luck.
- Oh, it's all luck.
It's called a phone, Jeremy! You should use it sometime! Stop, stop! - Send him in.
- All right, H.
T.
Fourth down, fourth down! Fifty-five yards to go, no time left on the clock.
What's that, foot? You want the spotlight? A field goal? That's just gonna tie it.
No, I want the win.
We need a big play.
- A Chinese field goal.
- You really think this is gonna work? Does a clown really get in the business to make children laugh? Harmon, you know, if this works, I'm not gonna be on special teams anymore? You know what? You're just not special teams material.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Harmon.
All right, man.
Let's get you back up to second string, you gigantic pussy.
I like this guy.
All right, Chinese field goal on ready.
- Ready? Break! Ready.
It's a Chinese field It's a fake! It's a fake! Hey, hey, that was a ballsy call, Moran.
A lot of balls, a lot of heart, not a lot of brain.
- Where'd you come up with that play? - He said he could catch it.
He's a kicker.
All they do is kick.
Dylan, you're second string.
- Yes, yes! Yes.
- Yes.
Hey, Moran, I just want to say thanks.
Seriously, if you weren't such a screw-up I never would have even had a shot.
Honestly, I don't even know how a dipshit like you got into this program, you stupid piece of shit.
But you know Oh, God! Oh! Still think I have nice hair, asshole? Payback's a bitch, bitch.
And let that be a lesson to you, Alex.
You destroyed my knee.
That is such a shame.
Promise me, Larry, you'll never let a girl come between our friendship.
Yeah, yeah, I promise.
Promise me that you will be aggressive on back-end merchandising points.
Craig's a freaking superstar.
I can get him anything.
That's my girl.
That's it, that's it, that's it! Oh! To us.
To the sisterhood.
To the pants.
- Bro-down? - Bro-down! And thanks for not breaking my kneecaps earlier, bro.
You got it, best friend.
I saved you some cake, too.
That looks just like us.
Are you watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Yeah, and the pants fit everyone.
Even the fat one.
- Really? - Yeah.
- So, are they the same size? - No, they stretch.